u/iLovemyMathBoyfriend

Over the past few days I've realized I don't want to live with a "all-or-nothing" mindset. Let me explain. (also, I'm going to use fake names so this makes more sense/for privacy)

My 18th birthday recently passed, and on Friday I went to dinner with some friends. Before we went in, one of my friends, grace, was smoking a joint. She offered me some, which I declined the first time (I've struggled with weed in the past, and decided to quit about a month-ish ago because it was also making me paranoid), but then she offered again and I had some. I thought it would be okay because I only had two hits... I was wrong. My body went through these phases of feeling okay, then suddenly like shit. And, I couldn't stop shivering. I felt like I ruined the experience for myself. And the cherry on top: grace said it herself... she peer pressured me. And she was right. I felt stupid. I felt like, in some sense, I had become a statistic. Anyways, I got a lot of wings and fries and ate that (for a few reasons. 1. I honestly saw it as an opportunity to binge. and 2. I knew I wanted to get drunk later)

On the drive home, my other friend, jayden, was driving. The first red flag is that she only has her learners, yet she had a beer at dinner. The second is that my other friend in shotgun, alex, wiggled the wheel while jayden was driving. The truck wobbled a lot. The third thing is that when jayden was driving around a bend, we all simultaneously got distracted, and when we all looked up we were in the middle of the road. Jayden forgot to turn. She quickly adjusted the truck, but maybe even a few more seconds and we would've been in the ditch.

We got home fine. I drank lots. I ate lots of chips/snacky foods (although I felt guilty about it). By the end of the night I could barely stand. I could barely talk. I could barely function.

The next morning I felt fine, but I looked like shit. My body felt bloated. My face was puffy. I went outside for a smoke to try and think, but I just couldn't. I'm into poetry, and I like to be in the present moment and think about the birds or whatever. But I just went into this spiral of thinking about how I couldn't think. Also the cigarette was disgusting.

Later in the day I had to go to work. My manager made brownies for her and I to share because she wanted to do something cute for my birthday. I ate most of it, but again, I felt like shit and I felt guilty.

But that's when it all hit me. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to feel like this. And I have the choice to not live like this. I don't want to drink to get drunk; I want to be able to enjoy a few drinks. I don't want to eat out/eat a brownie for the sake of binging; I want to enjoy it once in a while, and in small quantities (because really, a small brownie wont kill me or make me fat. And some wings and fries once in a while won't destroy my diet).

I think a part of it is that I always try and take care of myself. I work out often, eat healthy, do well in school (I'm going into my first year of engineering in the fall), and I'm always trying to learn new things. But I think with that has come an unhealthy obsession, or idea, of how I need to live. I've struggled with disordered eating in the past. I've struggled with weed in the past. I currently struggle with perfectionism. So while I try to improve myself, I think my mentality has become very black and white.

At the same time though, I think living this way has helped me realize how much I actually love the life I'm establishing for myself. Because I live in such extremes, I took the eating and weed and drinking a little overboard, and it made me feel like shit. But it also gave me a deeper understanding of balance, and in a way I think I've finally realized that coming back from all of this doesn't have to be degrading. I don't have to beat myself up over the fact that I feel and look awful. Because, really, whats the point in being upset about it? I have so much time ahead of me to make mistakes and fix them. It's fun! And I'm so lucky that I'm able to make these choices.

And that's not to say that I'll keep going out and getting drunk and being stupid, but now I really want to be conscious of what I'm doing with my life. In a way I feel like the part few days have been my "rock bottom" (not in the sense that I want to die, or that I've become depressed, but more so in the sense that I feel like I've lost myself a little. And every time I hang out with my friends (although I love them to death), I feel like I'm a statistic (ending up dead, getting seriously addicted to drugs, etc) waiting to happen). And with that, I also want to work on my "good extremes". I don't want to feel guilty any more about what I eat or how I live. I want to enjoy the process. I want to be able to fall off the wagon a little and come back stronger. Oddly, I'm glad this all happened because I'm looking forward to getting back on track and seeing progress again (these past few days my body/face has gotten a little soft, and my mind has felt foggy).

I feel like I've explained this terribly. But I also feel like it's something I can't explain. I can feel it; there is this underlying sense of happiness coursing through my body and mind. I want to change. I want to appreciate my life more, and my freedom of choice. I want to have fun with my life in a safe and guilt-free way. But most of all, I feel so much gratitude and hope. I know its cheesy but I'm so thankful. And I know this all seems so obvious, but I don't know... I think finally experiencing the consequences of my actions has finally allowed me to see clearly what I do and don't want.

Sorry that this is so long... I hope it makes sense... lol

(I guess this is also a bit of a rant/vent) What the title says. And I mean bad bad. I’m a really good student and I usually have a good work ethic (I have 90+ in all my classes), but lately I haven’t been feeling it. For some context, I’m taking physics 30, ela 30-1 and math 31 this semester. I’m taking physics through outreach and I feel so stupid all the time. It’s been getting worse. And I’m the only person taking it so I have no one to collaborate with. For English… well it’s just not my strong suit. The CART diploma feels so daunting. I’m trying to study death of a salesman (and I will to the best of my abilities) but my old motivation is nowhere to be found. I got accepted into uofa for engineering so I feel like there’s not even a point to trying to strive for 90s in English, but at the same time my average was over 95 and god knows I’m too damn broke to not get that $6000 scholarship. So I’m stuck. I don’t see the need, but I also don’t want to get burned out. And also, my sister hasn’t been attending school and she just dropped her bio 30 class and all I can think is “damn I wish that were me” but also it’s so frustrating because I feel like I have no one around me to motivate me. And I know, it’s all about discipline but I feel like I’m genuinely getting depressed. All the sudden everything feels so overwhelming compared to previous years/the beginning of the year. And, because I’ve been such a high achiever for so long, I feel like if I fall off the wagon that my whole identity is going to be shattered. And another thing, is that maybe I’m not even meant for engineering. If I’m struggling right now, how the hell am I going to make it through engineering!?!?! But I feel like I just need to suck it up…. IM SO LOST.

And also, I’ve been trying to have more balance… I guess. I make sure to work out and go for walks and read (for leisure) and write poetry (not for homework, I just like writing it) and go to bed at a good time but I still feel like I’m going insane.

So, for anyone going through the same thing/for all the A+ students, how are you dealing with it?

Math 31 is harder than 30-1

I don't want to live a "black and white" life anymore.

.Again