u/imma-stargirl

my fp has always been cruel and manipulative, he’s always held grudges against me and threatened to block me. i honestly don’t understand why he’s my fp. he sucks.

last week, i couldn’t take it anymore, how he’d be cruel and i’d beg for forgiveness and apologize forever and ever, and i blocked him. but he’s the only person i get to talk to, and i got too lonely. i couldn’t take it. i unblocked him and told him as much. he’s been quieter after that, but mostly normal.

last sunday, he even visited me when he thought i was doing really poorly. we talked and it was really nice. he hugged me before he left, a hug he initiated. we’ve been talking sort of normally ever since.

last night, he sounded really short and mean in his texts. i said “i really wish you wouldn’t use such a cold tone with me.” (i have to say cold, because he insists that he isn’t being mean to me, he swears up and down that he’s being “cold”.)

to which he responded, “it’s the only one you’re getting. you made things clear.”

cue immediate meltdown panic. i begged him to tell me what he meant. he refused to tell me, no matter what i said, and threatened to block me. he said i’d get answers today.

i told him i didn’t want to ruin what was left of our friendship. he said, “you made it clear there is nothing, stargirl. nothing.”

i have ruminated on and cried over that this whole time. i don’t know what i possibly could’ve done. i didn’t have any meltdowns the past couple weeks, it was all just normal conversation.

well, i waited all day long. and finally, i couldn’t take it anymore. i texted him. and he still won’t tell me what i did. i am panicking so much, i just can’t take it. i can’t take it. this completely blindsided me and it hurts so much.

i don’t know what i did to make him so angry. i want to fix it so badly, but i don’t know what happened! i don’t know how i’m going to sleep or do anything tonight. i hate this. he’s my only friend that i can actually talk to. i won’t have anyone outside of acquaintances if he leaves.

eta: it is next to impossible to stop texting him and begging for answers and forgiveness. this is so painful and frightening.

no specific person.

i am so incredibly lonely and isolated. i live alone in a very small apartment. i have a cat. all the time, as long as i’m awake, i desperately want someone with me. i want anyone to talk to me. i check my phone nonstop hoping someone texted me. i even turned off notifications to lessen the disappointment of not hearing one. i all but pray that someone will call me.

i want to share my every thought, what my day was like, what i see. and i want the same thing from other people. i am so very alone and i just want to talk to someone, all the time. when i’m awake at night and i know everyone is asleep, i start counting the hours until people start waking up and i don’t have to be alone anymore.

i am told this is bad and that i have to “be comfortable being alone” “love being alone” “be content with yourself” “be emotionally independent” in order to find love. this all sounds like such cruel punishment and i don’t know how to go about it, let alone how to do it joyfully and with a positive attitude.

how do i stop needing someone to talk to me? how on earth can i be happy alone, when i am so desperately lonely and have craved connection my whole life? i’m afraid it’s not possible

by making this post i am yet again failing.

i am supposed to stop venting. i am supposed to stop seeking comfort and guidance and reassurance. i am supposed to sit with myself and the misery. i am supposed to listen to myself and comfort myself. and i am not allowed to be sad about this, because this is how life is. everyone else can regulate themselves, and i have to learn how to be okay suffering alone.

but it is so lonely and it is so terrifying and it is making me so much worse.

i have no personality. i’m hardly even a person. there is hardly even a me. all there is to me is grief and fear and self hatred.

i have been knocked down in the dirt and i have stayed there, stuck on my back and struggling for three years straight. i am taking meds and going to therapy and asking for advice and i am trying to work my way out of this, but again, it has been three years. people love to remind me that it’s been three years.

i am losing hope for myself, if i ever had any. i can’t picture my life being anything other than this: waking up, crying or just quietly sad. getting ready. going to work. almost feeling better. seeing happy couples, seeing people who other people are excited to see, seeing people having normal lives where they don’t cry every day. feeling immense jealousy and sadness. trying to work through it. coming home. sitting in my car for twenty minutes. walking to my apartment. trying desperately to not call my mom, even though i am unbearably lonely and sad. forcing myself to shower if i’m lucky. laying in bed. trying to dredge up enough focus to enjoy something. failing. crying. staring at the ceiling. somehow, eventually sleeping. repeat.

will my life ever change? will i ever be in love and happy again? will i ever be able to go somewhere and feel comfortable, if i can’t be happy? will someone cherish me and miss me when i’m gone? will someone want to hear from me? do i have enough of a personality for any of this?

my therapist said she didn’t know for sure if things would be okay for me. i wish i could have hope. i wish anyone still believed in me getting better. i wish i could picture a life beyond this struggling. i wish there was more to be than fear and sadness.

i’ve been doing so poorly for so long. people used to care a lot. they used to ask me if i was okay, some used to hold me, they used to listen to me vent, they used to be there for me, they used to ask if i’d eaten or slept.

now, it’s been three years of constant misery, and everyone is tired of me being so bad. “you can let it out” “that must hurt a lot” has changed to “i’m not doing this with you tonight” “stop the pity party”

i am so profoundly depressed, and this is not helping at all. the hole is so deep i don’t see the light anymore. i can’t picture myself getting better. i’m on meds, i see a therapist every week, i’m doing homework in a workbook. but nothing can make it easier that i have to be alone so much right now.

i’ve never sat with myself, listened to myself, depended on myself. i don’t know how to make decisions on my own and not regret my choices. i don’t know how to comfort myself (clearly). i’m trying to learn to do that now and i wish i had done it when people cared still. it would’ve been miserably lonely either way, but at least then, i’d have known i could go to someone if i really needed to.

i wish i wasn’t so ill. i wish i didn’t push people away trying to not be left. i wish i knew how to get better, i wish i could remember happiness, i wish i could have hope that my life won’t always be like this.

i could’ve been married. i could’ve had a normal and happy life. instead, i’m taking a mood stabilizer, and my doctor is suggesting brain stimulation therapy. i could’ve been normal and happy, but my fiancé left, and my whole life was ruined.

it would mean a lot if someone could even pretend to care