u/itsallihaveleftofyou

i don't know, it's like i'm always hungry because of how empty i feel and how bored i am constantly every day. even if i'm doing something, hobbies, talking to friends, i find myself getting something to eat maybe every hour or so. and i just keep eating until i get sick and can't anymore. it's weird that i can't stop myself before it gets to that point, considering my history of anorexia. i don't know, i just want to know if anyone else deals with things like that

i took lithium 300mg for the first time last night, i slept for 12 hours straight, stayed awake for maybe an half an hour, and passed out for 4 more hours, i've been awake for an hour but i still feel really sleepy right now. i feel a little better emotionally than i did yesterday, but i'm not sure if that's just because of how much i've slept, or if it's a placebo, i don't know. anyway, does the excessive sleepiness go away?

privacy is privacy of course, everyone deserves it and is allowed to have it, of course. i don't know why but it always makes me really suspicious of people, like it feels like they have something to hide from me... i know it's wrong to feel like that, but i'm just wondering if anyone else feels like that too

i just got home from seeing a psychiatrist for the first time in a few months, she was nice, but she thinks i have schizoaffective disorder. i don't understand. she says that i have traits of bipolar ii and schizophrenia, which would be schizoaffective, but i don't think i do. i don't even hallucinate that badly, if anything i would describe my "hallucinations" way more as "unusual perceptual experiences" than "hallucinations." other psychiatrists i've talked to didn't even diagnose me with anything psychosis-related despite my honesty with my symptoms. all of my "schizophrenic" symptoms are social related, even my "hallucinations" are, i don't understand. i've found myself to share so much more in common with the people on here than anywhere else, i don't understand, i don't understand anything. i almost cried in the office with her because i just don't understand, because i've felt much more at home with you all than otherwise. but whatever i guess, i don't know why i'm making such a big deal about it.

edit: after thinking about it again, maybe she isn't really nice, i don't know, maybe she just wants to get me on more medication, i hate medicine. and these doctors always want an excuse to do lab work on me, i hate lab work, it hurts so much and i hate the needles and i hate the feeling of it sucking the blood out of me. i need that blood to wash away my guilt, and doctors at the hospital they would do it every single day, take more and more of my blood, let my guilt and sorrow fester. i think that my medicine might make me be able to read minds, whenever i'm on medicine i can always feel people's feelings about me, and i know when they hate me. i can feel her hatred, it's very mild but it's still there. and i guess if i have schizoaffective disorder then it gives an excuse to make me take even more medicine, take more of my blood, whatever. i give in. sorry, i'll go

my arm is sore and this is the worst it has ever looked, i've been doing it every single day for about 2 weeks now, no end in sight. it's the only thing that makes me stop crying, it doesn't even hurt, looking at my blood just calms me down for a little while, until a few hours later i do it again. i don't know, is it bad? to me, i feel like it's "better" than committing suicide... at least by a little bit... i don't know, i'm sorry. i feel numb and hollow, at least it soothes my pain for a little while

i dont like doctors, i dont like psychiatrists, i dont like psychologists, i dont like therapists, i dont like hospitals. none of them truly care, it's all a superficial type of care to me. theyre the same as any other person, shallow and not willing to understand me. i cant confide in them, it's just not going to work, i never want to cry in front of anyone again. i dont want to tell them about my delusions, because theyll think im lying, everyone always thinks im lying, and im just going to feel embarrassed and ashamed. everyone thinks im a fake, and i do too

respond if you want. i'm not worth it.

in january, 4 weeks after my birthday, i had made my first suicide attempt in a little under a year, i think 10 months. i did it because i realized that my favorite person was never coming back, i realized that she doesn't love me anymore, and the pain of it hurts more than any abuse i have endured. it was 3 months after she had left, i feigned that it was impulsive, that it was because i stopped taking my medicine because i "thought i didn't need it anymore," when the reality was that from the start of the month i was saving it all for that day. i've made 3 more lethal suicide attempts since then, i've only stopped trying because my best friend won't allow me to, because if i kill myself, they will too, and i don't want to kill someone. every month is worse than the last, every day i'm getting worse as a person, and every minute i hope it's my last. i feel trapped, chained up to this earth, and i want to be free. i hate being alive, i hate being alive so much, i can't help but cry. it would all be okay if she were still here, i wish that she would tell me that it will all be okay. i should've died, i really should've. nothing eases the sadness that being alive brings me, cutting myself doesn't, starving myself doesn't. my "coping skills" don't help me cope with anything, being with my friends doesn't make me feel any better afterwards, doing things i like only brightens me up for a few minutes, it's all futile. no medicine will make my suicidal ideation go away, no therapy will either, the only thing that makes it go away is the idea that she will one day return. and i know she won't, i know that i should never delude myself, i tried to for so long just to make myself happy but i know she won't. i can't go to therapy because i can't help myself, i can't make it to appointments because i don't want to fix my sleep schedule, and i don't want to go outside. i can't take medicine because i can't be prescribed anything anymore because of how many times i've attempted to overdose. i can't do anything that a normal person could because of how disabled i am. i'm just worthless without her, i'm worthless on my own. i don't want to be alive anymore. i don't want to get better, i want to be dead.

a part of me is permanently memory regressed, it is completely obsessed with people who aren't there anymore, it's like its brain is stuck in the past, and all it does is cause problems for me. all it wants to do is destroy the body it lives in, it hurts everyone that i know, and it can't be helped because it doesn't want help. i wish that i could just give it what it wants and kill it, but i don't know how. it wakes up so frequently, because its triggers are all completely ordinary and mundane things, it gets triggered and hurts itself and says a bunch of stupid things in front of everyone and just makes everyone upset. i've given it a bunch of rules of things it's not allowed to do, so that it minimizes the damage it causes, but it ignores those rules. at least it stopped posting nonsense on here. how do i just get rid of it? i'm so tired of this.

i dont know if it's because my cuts are very light, or if my skin just kind of does that, but i dont like it. i know it sounds really dumb, but i want the scars to stay. i hope this doesnt sound like im glorifying... i dont mean to do that at all. i dont do it because i hate myself or anything, when i bleed and hurt it redeems me of things that ive done wrong. the scars are a reminder that whatever ive done is made up for, and whenever they fade away it makes me feel unsafe, it makes me feel like i havent truly made up for anything. i dont know, im just rambling i guess, does anyone have any idea why i dont scar?