u/ladyindev

My husband and I are planning to leave our beloved North Brooklyn. Planning to have a kid soon, so school zone / district are top priority (yes, we know school zones sometimes change), but we also just don't expect NYC housing to get cheaper and we plan to retire here within the five boroughs. Locking in housing costs where we see great deals in areas we like now is the goal. And sadly, North Brooklyn (and most of Brooklyn but not all) is at the higher end of our budget to buy. We might pivot in the future, but seems wise to act soon. For context, we're an interracial couple (I'm black, my husband is white), we are both used to living in predominantly white areas, we're also both used to living in less urban areas growing up so the shift isn't really a shock compared to living in North Brooklyn, and we're leftist but we understand that these areas aren't going to be the most leftist regions ever. We're considering a few options and one is moving to the Bronx, with these neighborhoods as a focus at the moment:

Northwest Bronx : Riverdale/Spuyten Duyvil, Fieldston

Northeast : Pelham Bay and Pelham Gardens

Looking at neighborhood stats, school data, and articles is one thing, but I want to hear from you all! Please compare and contrast these based on your knowledge or just answer for the areas you're familiar with.

- Especially for people who have lived in both areas, which feels more family-friendly and why?

- How do Riverdale/Spuyten Duyvil and Pelham Bay/Pelham Gardens compare in terms of community feel and neighborliness? Social scene?

- What are the biggest inconveniences of each area that don’t show up in articles or data?

- How do the commutes to Manhattan and the rest of NYC feel in practice, not just on paper?

- If you were raising children, which area would you choose and what would be your deciding factors (schools, parks, activities, etc.)?

- Anything that surprised you after moving to either neighborhood - good or bad?

- How do the neighborhoods surrounding these areas feel in practice? Do you tend to stay within the immediate neighborhood, or do you regularly spend time in nearby areas as well?

- What’s the broader surrounding area like beyond the neighborhood boundaries?

- How connected do these neighborhoods feel to the rest of the Bronx, and how does that affect your day-to-day experience?

Silly question, and I know there's no rule. If you're in a couple like this, what do your kids look like? I joke that my husband better not Rashida Jones my eggs but we laugh because it's very possible 😂😅 I think having a kid of any race can make you curious about who they'll favor and in what way really.

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Husband and I are trying to conceive and while waiting to get pregnant (and healthy baby is most important ofc), I can't help but wonder what our kid/kids will look like. I think our mix is a bit less common though.

When I see content online with black/white mixed couples and their kids, usually I see either dark-skinned black people with white partners or biracial black people with white partners. I've rarely come across our combination during this search to see what their kids look like. It's just on my mind since we're starting this journey to popping one or two out. It's definitely not important - just curiosity!

More Context:

I'm black and "light-skinned." So instead of the combination of darker skin + white partner, which would probably produce children that look somewhat like me, it seems more up in the air. But I'm also not actually mixed to the extent that a biracial person is. People often think I'm biracial or Afro-Latina. My mother and her mother are the same, as well as a few other people on my mother's side. Some have green eyes or hazel eyes ( my uncle / mother's brother has light brown hair and green eyes) and my great grandfather on my dad's side had blue eyes and some people were lighter skinned on that side ofc but less so than my mother's side. And most people have darker skin ranging from medium brown to dark brown skin. My father is somewhere in the medium brown category but a bit lighter than what most black people mean when they say "brown skin." My super white husband has dark hair and blue/grey eyes with a bit of green. He had blond hair as a kid and grew out if it, which is common.

Silly question, and I know there's no rule. If you're in a couple like this, what do your kids look like? If your parents are like this, what features do you have?

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Husband and I are trying to conceive and while waiting to get pregnant (and healthy baby is most important ofc), I can't help but wonder what our kid/kids will look like. I think our mix is a bit less common though.

When I see content online with black/white mixed couples and their kids, usually I see either dark-skinned black people with white partners or biracial black people with white partners. I've rarely come across our combination during this search to see what their kids look like. It's just on my mind since we're starting this journey to popping one or two out.

More Context:
I'm black and "light-skinned." So instead of the combination of darker skin + white partner, which would probably produce children that look somewhat like me, it seems more up in the air. But I'm also not actually mixed to the extent that a biracial person is. People often think I'm biracial or Afro-Latina. My mother and her mother are the same, as well as a few other people on my mother's side. Some have green eyes or hazel eyes ( my uncle / mother's brother has light brown hair and green eyes) and my great grandfather on my dad's side had blue eyes and some people were lighter skinned on that side ofc but less so than my mother's side. And most people have darker skin ranging from medium brown to dark brown skin. My father is somewhere in the medium brown category but a bit lighter than what most black people mean when they say "brown skin." My super white husband has dark hair and blue/grey eyes with a bit of green. He had blond hair as a kid and grew out if it, which is common.

How many rounds worked for you? Side effects and your AMH level? Also, dosage level and total cost please, if you remember!

Talking to my doctor about this now and curious! I'm 36 and my AMH test result earlier this year was 6.78 AMH.

My MIL has a houseguest who is supposed to also be her caretaker and a trained home health aide worker. MIL has early stage Alzheimer's and some back issues but she can still get around on her own usually. She's taking some new medication to slow progression. Caretaker works overnight a little bit, but she expressed not wanting to work too much in the past and was homeschooling her youngest child until recently when he entered middle school. She has her four children living there and pays no rent. She buys food and cooks, and she is also on foodstamps. Her boys were supposed to help with the farm/yard, but we just learned that they don't and a neighbor is helping with that. The only other contribution we are aware of is $65 utility bill now.

Aside from the fact that it's not ideal for her to be living there rent-free, we aren't even sure how much caretaking she really provides. There are also shady things financially. Now that we are taking over finances and tightening the reins, after MIL was scammed again out of the remainder of her savings, the caretaker has pulled back the majority of her utilities contributions. This was after she suddenly decided she wanted to stop paying insurance on the truck that was given to her almost a year ago until the title was legally hers. She doesn't seem to be helping MIL with getting the title transferred either.

There was an issue with financial mail not being received at the house or being lost/misplaced. Credit card replacements. I think she felt accused the first time my husband directly asked her to help make sure this doesn't happen again. Instead of leaning in to help, she had a defensive posture of "I won't touch her mail anymore." That didn't feel like how I would expect a caretaker to respond. Recently, we came up with another plan to help keep track of mail, as MIL struggles to stay on top of it herself. My husband texted her three days ago and sent a reminder yesterday. I sent another text today and it's getting concerning how detached/non-responsive she is. MIL might have been telling her not to worry about it on her end, but she can't keep track of this herself and caretaker needs to help us manage things.

Are our expectations way out there or should we find another person just in case we can't shift gears through some virtual house meetings and writing up a lease and caretaker agreement? Would any good quality caretaker agree to this living arrangement?

My MIL has a houseguest who is supposed to also be her caretaker and a trained home health aide worker. MIL has early stage Alzheimer's and some back issues but she can still get around on her own usually. She's taking some new medication to slow progression. Caretaker works overnight a little bit, but she expressed not wanting to work too much in the past and was homeschooling her youngest child until recently when he entered middle school. She has her four children living there and pays no rent. She buys food and cooks, and she is also on foodstamps. Her boys were supposed to help with the farm/yard, but we just learned that they don't and a neighbor is helping with that. The only other contribution we are aware of is $65 utility bill now.

Aside from the fact that it's not ideal for her to be living there rent-free, we aren't even sure how much caretaking she really provides. There are also shady things financially. Now that we are taking over finances and tightening the reins, after MIL was scammed again out of the remainder of her savings, the caretaker has pulled back the majority of her utilities contributions. This was after she suddenly decided she wanted to stop paying insurance on the truck that was given to her almost a year ago until the title was legally hers. She doesn't seem to be helping MIL with getting the title transferred either.

There was an issue with financial mail not being received at the house or being lost/misplaced. Credit card replacements. I think she felt accused the first time my husband directly asked her to help make sure this doesn't happen again. Instead of leaning in to help, she had a defensive posture of "I won't touch her mail anymore." That didn't feel like how I would expect a caretaker to respond. Recently, we came up with another plan to help keep track of mail, as MIL struggles to stay on top of it herself. My husband texted her three days ago and sent a reminder yesterday. I sent another text today and it's getting concerning how detached/non-responsive she is. MIL might have been telling her not to worry about it on her end, but she can't keep track of this herself and caretaker needs to help us manage things.

Are our expectations way out there or should we find another person just in case we can't shift gears through some virtual house meetings and writing up a lease and caretaker agreement? Would any good quality caretaker agree to this living arrangement?

Has anyone successfully grown out a tail (longer back section) so the rest of your hair catches up? Any tips on styling / camouflage? Especially my wash and go girlies.

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Once my hair starts getting longer past a certain length, the very back nape area gets much longer than the rest. While my hair is drying, it’s very exaggerated - like 6 inches longer than the rest of my hair which is more rounded/shorter. It literally turns into a tail. Once it dries, shrinkage helps but it’s still hanging like 3 inches below the rest.

I cut this off multiple times before and it just came back recently. I cut it off before because stylists thought it was split ends or damage. Now it’s seeming more likely that this is just how my hair grows. I have been taking a lot of vitamins and supplements this time around as well. I thought it was because of lower iron levels air vitamin D before. The texture is a bit looser back there and retains length better, but the rest of my hair is also more shrunken and rounded.

I’m debating on cutting again, but it seems like if I want any chance of growing my hair out, it will keep coming back. My hair is mostly around bra strap length when blown out but layered. This part is longer than that now. I want the rest to catch up 😩. I can style it as an intentional accent twist or braid or just Bobby pin it up until the rest gets longer. I also considered practicing with my rev air and trying to wear it stretched for a while, which most likely camouflages the difference better. I used to do twist outs a lot when I was younger and I think that camouflaged, but I’m a wash and go natural now.

I know some people feel differently about biracial identity here, but I am curious to hear specifically from black women who either currently have mixed children or are currently in interracial marriages/serious relationships where children are on the table for the near future. How are you or how do you plan to teach them about racial/ethnic identity? Whether you teach them to identify as black, biracial only, both, and how you share culture and/or history with them.

And of course, I know some people are childfree and this is directed toward those who have baby on the brain. :)

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My husband is very white, we're happily married and new to the game (coming up on 2 years married!) And we're dancing with fertility right now to try to have a baby. One of the common thoughts on my mind is how to approach identity.

Sharing blackness in an educational and sensual manner is one of the fun things I look forward to. Smells of the food (I'm practicing soul food lol), teaching them while cooking and getting them involved, sounds of the music, art at home and around the city, festivals/events, reading a lot of books with them with black / mixed character representation, and visiting family back home.

The biracial conversation feels more taxing lol But for me, it's so simple - if I'm black, my child is black. They are also biracial and I guess white but I don't think the system works that way and I want them to be educated about American racism and how it functions - that these aren't just categories for identity but boxes that map out into history and where we come from.

I have a friend who's Honduran who doesn't believe in teaching identity and says you should let them identify for themselves but that seems somewhat flawed to me. She's also not black.

Looking forward to the POVs!

I know some people feel differently about biracial identity here, but I am curious to hear specifically from black women who either currently have mixed children or are currently in interracial marriages/serious relationships where children are on the table for the near future. How are you or how do you plan to teach them about racial/ethnic identity? Whether you teach them to identify as black, biracial only, both, and how you share culture and/or history with them.

And of course, I know some people are childfree and this is directed toward those who have baby on the brain. :)
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My husband is very white, we're happily married and new to the game (coming up on 2 years married!) And we're dancing with fertility right now to try to have a baby. One of the common thoughts on my mind is how to approach identity.

Sharing blackness in an educational and sensual manner is one of the fun things I look forward to. Smells of the food (I'm practicing soul food lol), teaching them while cooking and getting them involved, sounds of the music, art at home and around the city, festivals/events, reading a lot of books with them with black / mixed character representation, and visiting family back home.

The biracial conversation feels more taxing lol But for me, it's so simple - if I'm black, my child is black. They are also biracial and I guess white but I don't think the system works that way and I want them to be educated about American racism and how it functions - that these aren't just categories for identity but boxes that map out into history and where we come from.

I have a friend who's Honduran who doesn't believe in teaching identity and says you should let them identify for themselves but that seems somewhat flawed to me. She's also not black.

Looking forward to the POVs!

Do you feel self-conscious in movement spaces, comfortable being visible in the work, have you occupied specific spaces in terms of organizing work and chosen to opt out of others, etc. ? If you do choose some roles vs. others, does it come down to resource sharing (donations, dues, sharing space when you can, etc.) or some other metric?

Most of my roles in organizing have been in political education, fundraising, legislative analysis for elected socialists, coordinating projects, helping with bylaws and things like that. My instinct is kind of that poor, less privileged people should be the face of the movement, but we seem to be a long way from that as a norm. Either that or people who have struggled more than I feel I have. Political education, for example, is a comfortable, relatively behind-the-scenes positioning that focuses on analyzing theory, supporting the larger organizing work through education, and idea exchange. I'm less likely to be a protest leader, canvass leader (this is also exhausting for me), etc. The challeging part is that when people view you as a competent leader, you're tapped to take on more. So limiting where I spend energy feels wise to avoid taking up space that feels odd for me.

Curious to hear if others have similar boundaries or feelings/anxietes.

Context:

I've been organizing in my democratic socialist org for maybe 12-13 years now since I was very young. My income has increased, even in the nonprofit sector, and I'm starting a journey to being self-employed soon (which means technically forming a small business), which is its own class shift, as well as having recently been married to an even more privileged person, which is another class shift. I'm comfortable with a degree of wealth building and investing, as there really is no way to retire comfortably without it unless you're very rich, and struggling performatively when I don't have to has always felt really weird to me. (I come from a largely very poor, black family, so that's probably why. The idea of intentionally choosing that when my parents fought so hard for a better life for me feels irrational and pointless and definitely wouldn't solve capitalism.) I'm still committed to organizing, but my anxiety these days is around the life I feel entitled to build for myself vs. optics in spaces where an element of class resentment is common. This will probably fade over time, as I'm really in a new transition, but it's just the feeling right now. I really need to have some one-on-one chats with older, successful comrades I know for reference and support on mindset shift. But this morning, I'm on Reddit lol

Is this common when choosing a dev director? Just curious, as I've only had one other dev director role. Final round is coming up before they make their decision. The assignment has to be presented in person at the next round in person.

Assignments to show your skillsets are normal, but this one has two smaller assignments and then seems to be asking me to write out my dev plan for the year and outline of my first 90 days.

I just expect the assignments to get more demanding in this lane, but my husband (not in this field) things it's too much. Just curious to know if this is actually very common. Also, feel free to share any tips/advice. :)

I know we fucked up, but I made such a nice card on Canva and my procrastination/unmedicated ADHD has won out, especially while we have been navigating a lot. Still, there's no excuse. My husband helped so much but this was my thing. He thinks we should just not send them at this point. He supports my decision either way though.

It's a completely custom-made card with a paragraph describing them all as an important support system for us, thanking people for presence and/or gifts, and I packed it with well-designed photo montage elements. The back has a heart-shaped series of photos of most of our guests, and the whole message is how they made the day for us and our lives are better because they showed up for the beginning of this new chapter. I even got cheesy and used heavy astronomy metaphors because my husband is a science nerd. I do acknowledge that the thank is long overdue but no less heartfelt. The card is exceptional for a normal person to design it, and I put a lot of overthinking and work into it (which also took time), but I can also just save it for memories if it's a terrible idea.

What's the verdict here?

I usually shampoo once a week and still do. In the past, I have done a cowash mid-week, but I've been lazy lately. I experimented this week with cowashing every 2 days/every other day basically. I skipped an extra day this weekend. My hair has looked fine but I haven't used many styling products because I'm just going to rinse it down the drain in two days. I have been enjoying the Garnier curl air dry cream. I don't mind frizz and have used softer stylers for the most part. I also like a strong hold gel sometimes too. I haven't accepted that this would mean buying my Innersense (my new love) a lot more often 😂. I may not continue using the brand, but I was refreshing my wash and go with The Doux refresh spray when washing less often, and it left my hair looking so juicy and moisturized. My hair feels softer and more manageable this way, but looks more moisturized and juicy that way. Any tips from other frequent washers on styling specifically?

Products? Are you diffusijg daily? Any and all tips please :)

Also, this cut my detangling time by at least by half. Very happy about that. I have very dense hair, possibly medium or fine strands - not sure. It usually takes me at least two hours to detangle in the prepoo stage. Usually I'm watching TV while doing it, so this isn't an exact comparison. It took me 45 minutes today before my shampoo which is huge for me 😂

What have your experiences been with booking and experience quality? I like the cheaper plans to start off and increase over time.

Working on starting a consulting business and currently between jobs, but I don't want to splurge on We Work yet. (That would be the goal once I am spending full time hours at the coworking space and/or have clients. I worked at We Work for a short period of time at my last job before we moved to our office and really liked it.

I don't need or want a dedicated office space right now. The phone booths for calls would be fine for me for now.

I was hoping to get back into my BPAL love from my younger days, but I’ve just realized it’s one of many companies that only claim to be cruelty free and don’t actually have certification. I’ve been trying to emphasize more brands that are Leaping Bunny certified specifically, as they actually require evidence of supply side ethics, etc. PETA certification is okay and better than nothing, but BPAL doesn’t have either. Kind of a bummer.

Are there any actually certified brands that you all recommend?