u/let_it_rain_boat

I was 30 days clean of no masturbation when yesterday while I was in bed half asleep Sexual thoughts filled my mind and my penis became really erect. I tried pulling my foreskin over the head of my penis so it would be less sensitive as my glands were exposed and that caused me to ejaculate an orgasmed completely and it was a huge amount. I wasn't even stroking, just orgasmed from touching my penis once. Didn't even know this was possible. This is so annoying! I hate how all my progress went down the drain. 

As a child I was very happy and charismatic. Everything was mostly good. I grew up homeschooled and had great times. This was great until I turned 13 years old when my parents sent me to college (UK) and this is where I met this girl for the first time (Let's call her M). I didn't understand why but I very quickly became extremely emotionally drawn to her in a level I had never felt before. I thought she was so beautiful. I had crushes on girls before but she was strangely different as she was in my head constantly. There was not a single moment in the day where I wasn't thinking about her. It was so weird as I couldn't understand why I was so drawn to her and obsessed with her but I couldn't escape it. It got to the point that every dream I had she would make her way in it. I don't always remember what she was doing in these dreams but she was in them in some way. 

I later found out she was into Wicca, She would carry potions and weird crystals in her bag wherever she would go to my course 

Weirdly I was compelled to keep this crush a secret from everyone. I would usually tell my brothers about them but this one for some reason I was compelled to keep completely hidden. 

I rarely ever talked to her despite the crush. Every time she caught me looking at her, she would make this sly smirk at me almost like she was saying “Look I got you” 

Later 2 other girls joined the course and they started flirting with me. Weirdly enough everytime another girl would flirt to me she would look at me with this look of anger and disgust in her eyes almost as if to say “You can't do that” And I would feel this emotional feeling like I was doing something wrong. This also happened when I fought back when a kid was bullying me. She seemed to smile when this boy was bullying me but when I fought back it turned into her giving me this same disgusted stare like the fact I was defending myself was a terrible thing. It was weird and made me question myself.

Later I ended up falling out with these girls and they didn't want to flirt with me and I kid you not when it happened this girl was a distance away and I could see in the corner of my eye a  smirk of delight on her face.

Eventually I left college. But shortly after I left her Instagram account appeared on my feed. We had no mutual followers but Instagram still recommended her so I thought why not follow. And I didn't have intention to send her a message at this point but her story appeared on my page and I clicked on  it out of interest and I wasn't meaning to do anything but I somehow accidentally sent her this “💯” and she responded instantly and we started chatting everyday about our lives and we both used to send long messages to one another. For some reason I was always really compelled to message her.

As time went on she was talking to me a lot about sex and kissing and she eventually discovered I was a virgin by asking questions about my sex life then she thought it's funny I'm a virgin and kind of mocked me for it. I never thought of it as an issue but she made me feel kinda insecure.

She kept hinting to me that being a virgin was a bad thing and hinting that I was missing out.

She then told me that I'm different to all her friends and I asked her “how so" and she said she has "sex with all her friends”. She kept telling me that I should be more rebellious like her friends otherwise no one will ever remember me and I will be forever boring 

She also said, “I bet you've never dared a girl to give you a lap dance before. One of my friends did!” I was like “No I haven't” She made out that it was what normal boys did and that I should do things like this too. She mentioned if one of her friends asks for this she does it

She kept talking about sex and how great it was and that I needed to do it as I was growing up and it would be embarrassing to be an adult and a virgin 

At the time I never tried to pursue anything because for some reason I wanted to but there was this weird immense fear about doing it with her. As time went on she became so rude to me and insulted my masculinity then eventually blocked me.

Ever since dealing with her I have been going through torment in my life. My life goals an ambition disappeared and I felt stuck and non motivated also got weird unexplainable chronic pain which tormented every time I tried to interact with people and leave the house. It was so horrible. I tell you it was the most horrendous thing that ever happened to me and was all unexplainable. No one knew what caused it. 

This pain eventually left me after a few years of no contact with her but emotional torment has still plagued my mind and darkness 

Edit: I forgot to mention one time in class I saw her reading a book titled something about how to manipulate/hypnotise a person to do things for you against their will the front cover was a man submitting to a woman

I have been told throughout my life from many women that I am highly attractive. I got 300 matches on hinge when I tried it but I do have autism and social deficits. This has caused girls that I’ve been friends with to suddenly become hostile towards me when I didn't realise I rejected them accidentally. This is just 1 of many stories

A female friend told me that I'm different to all her friends and I asked "her how so" and she said she has "sex with all her friends”. I'm not sure if this a hint or not

In context she was talking to me a lot about sex and kissing and thinks it's funny I'm a virgin

She kept hinting to me that being a virgin was a bad thing and hinting that I was missing out

She also said. “I bet you've never dared a girl to give you a lap dance before. One of my friends did!”

At the time I never tried to pursue anything. As time went on she became rude and insulted me then eventually blocked me

I have been told throughout my life from many women that I am highly attractive. I got 300 matches on hinge when I tried it but I do have autism and social deficits. This has caused girls that I’ve been friends with to suddenly become hostile towards me when I didn't realise I rejected them accidentally. This is just 1 of many stories 

A female friend told me that I'm different to all her friends and I asked "her how so" and she said she has "sex with all her friends”. I'm not sure if this a hint or not

In context she was talking to me a lot about sex and kissing and thinks it's funny I'm a virgin

She kept hinting to me that being a virgin was a bad thing and hinting that I was missing out

She also said. “I bet you've never dared a girl to give you a lap dance before. One of my friends did!” 

At the time I never tried to pursue anything. As time went on she became rude and insulted me then eventually blocked me

So as a little kid I was a super happy child with little to no fear. I remember 1 day. I don't remember what caused it but when I was 9 in a fit of emotional rage I tried to jump from a balcony. I knew that I was going to jump and believed nothing would stop me. But for some reason when I suddenly tried to barge through the window someone had locked it. My brother saw this and instantly knew what I tried to do. He was disgusted and said “Are you sick?” I was so ashamed I swore to myself I would never do it again. Years later I started to get into telekinesis for a short period of time trying to bend metal with my mind. I wasn't able to but I got really fascinated by completely distorting and bending forks physically putting them in my room. When I was 13 I met a girl who was my first crush and she was really into Pegan practices. I was extremely obsessed with her because she initially took interest in me but I think that because I was really nervous and inexperienced with women at that time I never asked her out and progressed things. She started to become more and more cruel towards me and would verbally insult me, yet I still would want to continue spending time with her because I was completely blinded by her attraction. I became obsessed on a ridiculous level. I was a virgin and she was very sexualy experienced and said sje had sex with all her friends but for some reason I was too scared to ask her. So instead I borderline stalked her. Eventually she got so fed up with me she broke ties but I was still obsessed with her for years to come constantly thinking about her. I soon started to develop a physical condition that caused huge amounts of pain and I believe was triggered by anxiety. This is when I got into meditation I practiced it for 40 minutes every day. It started fine and I loved the peace that it brings but Eventually I started to get weird experiences during the practice. One time I remember extreme pressure in my forehead like something large like a stone or diamond was forcing it's way out of my forehead and it was so intense yet I didn't want to open my eyes to see what was going on I just let it happen. During this time I started to have major thoughts on suicide and self harm and harming of others. I remember thinking about suicide as something I had to do and something was telling me I was evil and needed to die. As time passed, I was getting frustrated that I wasn't having sex with women and that many men who I hated due to jealousy. I believed it was women's fault for rejecting me despite at this point I hadn't asked out a girl. Eventually I started doing meditation while practicing affirmations where I kept telling myself that I was extremely attractive to women and so on and I practised semen retention to build up sexual energy and transmute this using spiritual practises and the amount of attention I got from women was crazy. I would go through some of the weird stories of female behaviour but I would just sound majorly egotistical. Fast forward I got more and more addicted to female validation. I eventually started to take spiritual practises and morth them into a specific thing and practically developed my own religion which was based around hate and using spiritual practises to channel that hate. I didn't like who I had become and tried to read the bible but was getting majorly resistance it's so hard for me to read the bible. Just the thought causes me to feel weird. 

PS: This is a very simplified story of my childhood. My childhood is a bit more complex in trauma but this post would be so long 

I recently had an appointment with my NHS psychologist and I'm majorly starting to get a crush on her and she holds strong eye contact that I was struggling to manage. I kept looking away. My mind was slightly wandering to fantasy. She asked me what I was thinking at the moment and I said nothing because I didn't want to mention attraction. She left it. We continued to discuss issues revolving around my childhood and how I went to college with very little experience with the opposite sex amd that I struggle to act normally around women as I grew up homeschooled and most of my life only interacted with other boys. she started to ask how it felt being in the room with a woman discussing these things. I told her I was closed off at the start but feel more comfortable now. Honestly I'm starting to look forward to seeing her every week. I know this is silly and a bit pathetic but I can't stop my feelings. How should I approach this. She is helping me alot with my overall dysfunction and negativity 

Really stressed. I have not been masturbating and watching porn for 20 days and I peed one day and semen came out of my penis I wasn't even aroused or anything. Why did this happen? I have had alot of sexual dreams recently and battling with sexual thoughts but no porn and no edging 

I have managed 18 days no masturbation and porn which is great but still struggle with lust amd fantasising a bit in my head but then correcting myself. When I was emerged in sexual sin a woman in my bible study group used to keep looking at me from across the room. She came up to me a few times to start conversations and one time she even got super close to me that our bodies were touching. At that time I was really addicted to porn. I spent so much energy on it I never really had the energy and the attraction to pursue relationships. Fast forward some time I find out she is now dating a guy and now I'm on 18 days with no porn or masturbation. I had an extremely vivid dream last night where I was completely naked lying on my bed and she came onto me and we were having sex but if I tried to resist I wasn't able to and I woke up weirded out but also aroused at the same time. How do I stop this?

I read This story is about a man named Luke Davis who at the age of 5 he prayed every night to god to make him white because he was bullied by kids in an orphanage who were white. He then later got a skin condition called vitiligo that lightened his skin making his skin pale.

“Please God, lighten my skin and make me like everyone else,' I would whisper before I went to sleep. It sounds like an impossible dream, but, for me, it came true.”

Would god have done this? I feel like god would've wanted him to be happy and thankful for the way he was created

Hello so I have a titration appointment with CARE ADHD on the 18th and I realised based on my calculation that I will only have 2 more pills left from my appointment and I know it usually takes 4 days to get my prescription so could I move it earlier? Is this something they would accept

The main benefit to them is that they majorly decrease suicidal ideation which I have extreme struggles with fod a very long time but when they wear of that ideation comes back. I am on elvanse and Amfexa  

I am a 21 year old guy I think she's in her 50s she calls me her child and says she wants to take me home, which I'm assuming is just her humor. She often pulls faces at me from across the room and does hand gestures that are like she's pretending to grab me kinda like how you would a treat a toddler.

One time when she walked past my desk. She squeezed my back in a massage hand position and ask "are you alright love?”

I'm not sure why she does it but it's only me she treats like this.

I am a 21 year old guy I think she's in her 50s she calls me her child and says she wants to take me home, which I'm assuming is just her humor. She often pulls faces at me from across the room and does hand gestures that are like she's pretending to grab me kinda  like how you would a treat a toddler.

One time when she walked past my desk. She squeezed my back in a massage hand position and ask "are you alright love?”

I'm not sure why she does it but it's only me she treats like this.