u/machukahn

My partner (36F. autistic) and I (41M, AuDHD) have been together for around 12 years. We are now trying to understand whether the relationship should genuinely be over, or whether there is any realistic way to rebuild it differently.

It is worth noting that we have owned and run a small-to-medium-sized business together for the entire relationship, which has brought its own challenges.

The confusing part is that we are an extremely good team in many ways. We support and care for each other deeply, travel brilliantly together, understand each other well, and have shared a huge part of our adult lives. There is a lot of love, trust, loyalty and companionship between us.

At the same time, we were both unhappy fairly often during the relationship. There were recurring problems involving communication, avoidance, emotional connection and major life decisions. Some of my most important needs went unresolved for years.

The good parts were genuinely very good, but the difficult parts were not occasional or minor. They affected me deeply and repeatedly.

For the avoidance of doubt, we have communicated endlessly about our difficulties. It is not simply that we need to talk to each other more openly.

We hear each other out, and it is clear that we both want things to improve. But the changes do not seem to materialise or last, and eventually the same cycle repeats.

I’m struggling with the apparent contradiction between:

- “This person is one of my closest friends, an excellent life companion and someone I love deeply.”

- “I was regularly unhappy in this relationship for a very long time.”

It leaves me wondering which of two explanations is closer to the truth:

A) My expectations of a relationship are too high.

B) I have become accustomed to tolerating an unnecessarily large amount of discomfort and dysfunction.

———

I’m not expecting anyone else’s experience to give me a definitive answer, but I would just really value hearing what happened to people who faced a similar choice, especially if you are reflecting on it several years later rather than only in the immediate aftermath.

I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who were in a similarly mixed relationship: not abusive or obviously disastrous, but loving and functional in many respects while still being persistently painful, dysfunctional or unfulfilling in others.

Did you decide to leave despite all the good parts? Looking back, did that prove to be the right decision?

Did you try to rebuild the relationship after a separation? Were you able to create something meaningfully different, or did the old patterns eventually return?

What helped you distinguish between problems that could genuinely be repaired and fundamental incompatibilities?

If you stayed, what concrete changes made the relationship sustainable?

If you left, how did you cope with losing not only a romantic relationship, but also a best friend, teammate and shared life, despite neither of you having done anything terrible to end it?

My partner (36F. autistic) and I (41M, AuDHD) have been together for around 12 years. We are now trying to understand whether the relationship should genuinely be over, or whether there is any realistic way to rebuild it differently.

It is worth noting that we have owned and run a small-to-medium-sized business together for the entire relationship, which has brought its own challenges.

The confusing part is that we are an extremely good team in many ways. We support and care for each other deeply, travel brilliantly together, understand each other well, and have shared a huge part of our adult lives. There is a lot of love, trust, loyalty and companionship between us.

At the same time, we were both unhappy fairly often during the relationship. There were recurring problems involving communication, avoidance, emotional connection and major life decisions. Some of my most important needs went unresolved for years.

The good parts were genuinely very good, but the difficult parts were not occasional or minor. They affected me deeply and repeatedly.

For the avoidance of doubt, we have communicated endlessly about our difficulties. It is not simply that we need to talk to each other more openly.

We hear each other out, and it is clear that we both want things to improve. But the changes do not seem to materialise or last, and eventually the same cycle repeats.

I’m struggling with the apparent contradiction between:

- “This person is one of my closest friends, an excellent life companion and someone I love deeply.”

- “I was regularly unhappy in this relationship for a very long time.”

It leaves me wondering which of two explanations is closer to the truth:

A) My expectations of a relationship are too high.

B) I have become accustomed to tolerating an unnecessarily large amount of discomfort and dysfunction.

———

I’m not expecting anyone else’s experience to give me a definitive answer, but I would just really value hearing what happened to people who faced a similar choice, especially if you are reflecting on it several years later rather than only in the immediate aftermath.

I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who were in a similarly mixed relationship: not abusive or obviously disastrous, but loving and functional in many respects while still being persistently painful, dysfunctional or unfulfilling in others.

Did you decide to leave despite all the good parts? Looking back, did that prove to be the right decision?

Did you try to rebuild the relationship after a separation? Were you able to create something meaningfully different, or did the old patterns eventually return?

What helped you distinguish between problems that could genuinely be repaired and fundamental incompatibilities?

If you stayed, what concrete changes made the relationship sustainable?

If you left, how did you cope with losing not only a romantic relationship, but also a best friend, teammate and shared life, despite neither of you having done anything terrible to end it?

My partner 36F and I 41M have been together for around 12 years. We are now trying to understand whether the relationship should genuinely be over, or whether there is any realistic way to rebuild it differently.

It is worth noting that we have owned and run a small-to-medium-sized business together for the entire relationship, which has brought its own challenges. We are also both neurodivergent.

The confusing part is that we are an extremely good team in many ways. We support and care for each other deeply, travel brilliantly together, understand each other well, and have shared a huge part of our adult lives. There is a lot of love, trust, loyalty and companionship between us.

At the same time, we were both unhappy fairly often during the relationship. There were recurring problems involving communication, avoidance, emotional connection and major life decisions. Some of my most important needs went unresolved for years.

The good parts were genuinely very good, but the difficult parts were not occasional or minor. They affected me deeply and repeatedly.

For the avoidance of doubt, we have communicated endlessly about our difficulties. It is not simply that we need to talk to each other more openly.

We hear each other out, and it is clear that we both want things to improve. But the changes do not seem to materialise or last, and eventually the same cycle repeats.

I’m struggling with the apparent contradiction between:

- “This person is one of my closest friends, an excellent life companion and someone I love deeply.”

- “I was regularly unhappy in this relationship for a very long time.”

It leaves me wondering which of two explanations is closer to the truth:

A) My expectations of a relationship are too high.

B) I have become accustomed to tolerating an unnecessarily large amount of discomfort and dysfunction.

———

I’m not expecting anyone else’s experience to give me a definitive answer, but I would just really value hearing what happened to people who faced a similar choice, especially if you are reflecting on it several years later rather than only in the immediate aftermath.

I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who were in a similarly mixed relationship: not abusive or obviously disastrous, but loving and functional in many respects while still being persistently painful, dysfunctional or unfulfilling in others.

Did you decide to leave despite all the good parts? Looking back, did that prove to be the right decision?

Did you try to rebuild the relationship after a separation? Were you able to create something meaningfully different, or did the old patterns eventually return?

What helped you distinguish between problems that could genuinely be repaired and fundamental incompatibilities?

If you stayed, what concrete changes made the relationship sustainable?

If you left, how did you cope with losing not only a romantic relationship, but also a best friend, teammate and shared life, despite neither of you having done anything terrible to end it?

Hey folks!
I’m visiting Cape Town this week, and would love to know peoples opinions on the most iconic / memorable / must do Parkrun of the city ☺️

Hey! I (M41) am travelling solo to Madagascar soon for a couple of weeks, but from my research so far it doesn’t seem like there’s much of a backpacker / hostel scene.
Is this true? Or are there some hidden gems?

[edit] I always appreciate meeting people as I travel, and hostels are typically easiest for this.
If there aren’t any hostels, am I likely to meet other travellers at all?

Hey! I’m travelling to Madagascar soon for a couple of weeks, but from my research so far it doesn’t seem like there’s much of a backpacker / hostel scene.
Is this true? Or are there some hidden gems?
If so, please share as much details as you can :)

Hey folks,
I'm coming to Madagascar in late July, and didn't realise how hard it would be to travel solo.
Is anyone going to be in the country and looking for a travel buddy?
Or on a tour I might be able to join?