Update: I finally snapped at my coworkers, and now I’m seriously considering quitting
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/womenintech/comments/1ss7vlt/good_review_decent_raise_but_being_penalized_for/
Four months ago, I posted about my annual review and the ongoing issues with my team. At the time, I felt like I was being penalized for conflict that I didn’t create and was constantly being expected to do the emotional/communication work to keep the team functioning.
Unfortunately, things have gotten worse.
Yesterday, I completely lost my patience in a meeting. For a long time, I’ve felt like my coworkers have been passing their work onto me, doing half-assed work that I then have to redo, or leaving things for me to clean up later. I’ve tried being patient and accommodating for a long time, but yesterday I finally snapped.
I told them they were being lazy and went on a rant about how tired I am of constantly picking up after everyone else.
Unsurprisingly, they went straight to my manager.
My manager talked to me about it and asked what I want to do. I told him honestly that I can be on literally any team except this one. They said they’ll figure out where to place me, but now I’m questioning whether I even want to stay at the company.
Part of me feels like I should just quit.
I don’t see how this doesn’t follow me around the company now. There was already an issue in my previous review where my manager talked about how my ideas can be harder to land because of my association with conflict. Now I’ve actually lost my temper in front of my coworkers, so I’m worried I’ve completely confirmed that perception.
What makes me especially frustrated is the double standard.
Some of these same coworkers are constantly snarky, sarcastic, dismissive, smartass, and just generally have terrible attitudes. At least two of them behave this way regularly. They’ve also made comments about another team that were just as bad, if not worse, and apparently nobody reported them to the manager. Or if someone did, nothing changed.
Meanwhile, I finally blow up after months of doing everyone favors, covering for them, fixing their work, cleaning up their mistakes, and bending over backward to keep things moving, and suddenly I’m the problem.
I know calling them lazy wasn't professional. I’m not trying to pretend it was. I absolutely should have handled that better. I regret losing my temper.
But I’m also struggling with the fact that this didn't come out of nowhere.
There was another situation before this where someone was fired for being mean and demeaning toward me. Now my manager is bringing that up and essentially asking why I would treat my coworkers that way when I know how it feels to be treated badly.
The problem is that I didn't treat my coworkers that way. I was nice to them. I helped them. I covered for them. I picked up their slack. I redid things that weren't done properly. I tried to compromise. I tried to be the person who kept everyone happy.
And I feel like I let that go on for so long that eventually I just broke.
Now I'm wondering if I made a huge mistake by staying as long as I did.
My manager says they can move me to another team, but I'm honestly scared that I'll just be carrying this reputation with me. At the same time, quitting feels extreme when I otherwise like the company and have built a career here.
So I’m looking for some outside perspective.
If you were in my position, would you take the transfer or quit?
And for anyone who has had a similar situation where you finally snapped after being taken advantage of for a long time: can you actually recover your reputation within the same company, or is it better to leave and start fresh somewhere else?
I’m also interested in hearing from people who have been on the management side. How bad is this realistically? Did I just permanently damage my reputation, or is one really bad meeting something that can be recovered from?
I know I screwed up yesterday. I’m just trying to figure out whether I screwed up badly enough that I should leave. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate everyone and the people on my team who I've helped soooo much.
I’m also sitting on a job offer that pays significantly more. It’s a completely new role for me, and I was upfront that I don’t even know some of the basics, but they knew that and still offered me the job. It’s at a much larger, more fast-paced company, although the role is something I’ve worked adjacent to before.
The timing is complicated because I just bought a house and I’m also in the process of leaving an abusive household, so financial stability is really important right now. Part of me wants the fresh start and higher pay, but I’m scared of jumping into something I don’t know.
Would you take the new job, transfer internally, or stay and try to repair things?
