u/myforeveradventure

I’m 33F, 5’3”, and currently 217 lbs. My goal weight is around 170 lbs.

I know the basic answer is “eat less and move more,” but I’m struggling with how to actually make that happen in my situation.

I’m a stay-at-home mom to a toddler, but I also handle basically the entire household by myself. Childcare, cleaning, laundry, meals, pet care, household management, indoor and outdoor chores—if it needs to be done, it’s always on me.

Money is very tight, so I can’t afford a gym membership, meal programs, supplements, or anything extra. I live in the Nevada desert where it’s been 108°F+ during the day and still in the 90s at night, so getting outside regularly isn’t realistic right now.

I’m also dealing with depression, which makes motivation and consistency really difficult. I feel embarrassed even writing this, but I genuinely hate my body right now. I’m uncomfortable, unhappy, and disappointed in myself. I want to get healthier and be around for my son for a long time, but somehow that alone hasn’t been enough to get me moving consistently, and I feel guilty about that.

I think what I need most is help figuring out how to stay consistent. If anyone has recommendations for free apps, online communities, accountability groups, beginner workout programs, mindset changes, habits that helped, or honestly anything that helped you stay on track when motivation wasn’t enough, I’d love to hear it.

I feel overwhelmed and don’t even know where to start anymore. If you’ve been in a similar place and managed to turn things around, what helped you finally get moving?

If you’ve lost a significant amount of weight while dealing with depression, a tight budget, being home with young kids, limited exercise options, or carrying most of the household responsibilities, what actually helped you? What was the first change that made a difference?

Right now I just feel stuck, overwhelmed, and like I’m failing before I even start. 😵‍💫🥹

I don’t think people understand what years of living with an angry person can do to you.

When I met him, I was happy, bubbly, social, and confident. I took care of myself. I had friends. I had family nearby. I felt like I had a future.

Now I’m 33 years old, a mom to a toddler, and I barely recognize myself.

People hear “abusive relationship” and think there had to be one big event. For me, it wasn’t one thing. It was years of anger, tension, walking on eggshells, being blamed for things that weren’t my fault, and constantly trying to keep the peace.

Some of my worst memories are from postpartum. There were times my baby was crying and wanted me, but his father refused to hand him back because he was angry that he couldn’t soothe him. I was screamed at while holding my baby. I was screamed at while recovering postpartum. I was screamed at while trying to learn how to be a mother.
I kept telling myself to stay strong and push through it. I thought if I just loved harder, tried harder, or stayed calmer, things would get better.

Instead, I slowly disappeared.

Food became comfort. I gained weight. My hair went years without being cut or colored. I’ve had knots get so bad that I cut them out because I couldn’t deal with them anymore. I avoid mirrors because I hate what I see.

The worst part is that I know this isn’t really about my hair or my weight. It’s about looking at myself and realizing how much of me was burned away.

I live thousands of miles away from my family. I don’t have friends here. I don’t have a support system. Most days it feels like it’s just me and my son trying to make it through another day.

I know there’s still a version of me in there somewhere. The woman I used to be. The woman who laughed easily, took care of herself, and believed good things were ahead.
I just don’t know how to find her again.

The hardest part is that I survived it, but I don’t feel like I got away from it. It still follows me every time I look in the mirror, every time I doubt myself, and every time I wonder who I would have been if those years hadn’t happened.

I think what I’m mourning isn’t the relationship. I’m mourning the person I was before it. I just want to feel pretty and full of light again. ❤️‍🩹

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but I feel like I’ve completely lost myself.

Before my relationship, I was happy, bubbly, social, and took good care of myself. I had friends. I had family nearby. If I was struggling, there were people around me who noticed and helped pull me back up.

Now I’m 33, a mom to a toddler, and after years of living in a difficult, emotionally damaging, and abusive relationship, I barely recognize myself anymore. Being with someone who was constantly angry and miserable wore me down in ways I didn’t even realize at the time. I stayed, even after having a child with him, and spent two more years trying to hold everything together while living in that environment.

Some of my hardest memories are from postpartum. There were times when my baby was crying and wanted me, but his father refused to hand him back because he was frustrated that he couldn’t soothe him. Instead of working together, I was screamed at during one of the most vulnerable times of my life. I was screamed at while holding my baby. I was screamed at while recovering postpartum. I was screamed at while trying to learn how to be a mother.
I kept telling myself to stay strong, to push through it, but the stress and emotional toll of it all slowly broke me down. I don’t think it was one big event that changed me. I think it was years of living in survival mode. Now that I’m out of it, it feels like everything I held in is finally catching up to me, and I’m falling apart.

Food became comfort. I gained weight. My hair has gone years without being cut or colored. I’ve gotten so overwhelmed by it at times that I’ve let knots form and ended up cutting parts of them out because I just couldn’t deal with it. I look in the mirror and see someone who looks exhausted, worn down, and much older than she feels inside. Honestly, I’m just downright disgusted with myself. Close to hatred. I hate that I’m even saying that.

But the truth is, I don’t think any of that is really the problem….

The problem is that I feel completely alone.

I live thousands of miles away from my family. Because of finances, they can’t come here and I can’t afford to take my son and go see them. I don’t really have friends here. I don’t have a support system. Most days it feels like it’s just me trying to hold everything together.

I know I need to take care of myself. I know I need to lose weight, get back into healthier habits, and start doing things that make me feel like me again. But instead of feeling motivated, I feel paralyzed. Every problem feels so big that I don’t know where to start.

The other day I took my son for a haircut. It should have been a sweet moment, but I caught my reflection in the mirror and immediately started picking apart everything I hated about myself. I hated that I couldn’t just stay present and enjoy the moment with him.

I think what hurts the most is that I know there’s still a version of me in there somewhere. The happy, confident woman I used to be. I just don’t know how to find my way back to her without the support system I used to have.
Has anyone else felt this stuck, isolated, or disconnected from themselves? How did you start rebuilding when you felt completely alone?

Sending so much love to everyone who took time out of their day to read this. I know everyone has hard things in life and I should just deal with it but I just dream of having friends to talk to about things that are hard… ❤️‍🩹

At 33, I really thought I’d have life more figured out than this.

Instead, I’m sitting here feeling like everything is collapsing at once.

I’m a stay-at-home mom doing everything I can to keep things together while trying to navigate separating from a mentally abusive relationship that has completely drained me emotionally and financially. My child’s father had a mental health breakdown this month and missed a lot of work, and now our rent is two weeks late. I’m trying every single day to figure it out — selling things, scrambling, surviving — but I feel like I’m drowning.

And the hardest part is that we’re completely alone out here. We live in the middle of the Nevada desert with no family nearby. My family is in Pennsylvania. His family is in Florida. There’s no village. No one to call to come help with the baby for an hour. No one to lean on when things fall apart.

And I can’t even really go to him emotionally anymore because mentally, he doesn’t have the capacity for normal conversation right now. Even basic life conversations can turn into me getting yelled at. So most days I just stay quiet and carry everything alone.

My cat is currently in the emergency vet hospital and I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it, but I can’t lose him too. I lost one of my cats last year already.

And on top of all of it, I’m dealing with serious health issues myself that my doctors are concerned about, while being told stress is something I need to avoid… which almost feels laughable right now.

I think what’s breaking me the most is the fear. I just want to know that we’ll have a home. That my son will be okay. That there will be food in the refrigerator. That I’ll be able to keep a roof over his head while I try to figure out how to survive all of this.

People see moms showing up every day and assume we’re okay because we keep functioning.

But some of us are barely holding it together behind the scenes.

I’m not posting this for pity or even necessarily advice. I think I just needed to say out loud that I’m struggling. Really struggling.

And if you’re someone silently drowning too, I see you and I love you. I’m sorry. 💔

Sincerely,

- K