u/parkerasking

I hate this disorder. I hate the guilt and I feel like I just wasted a bunch of food. I’m so sad.

I use tape a lot to bind and I will try my best to get off all the residue before surgery but some of it legitimately will not come off. Will this be a problem or can they just remove it during the surgery? It’s mostly under my armpits and on my back.

(M17)
I’ve never been able to fully recover from ana or BED because my mom is either trying to lose weight or my dad is commenting on my food/body or whatever else is happening.

I don’t want to say something like “can you please not say that around me” because 1. How am I supposed to recover if I can’t stand hearing any comments about food or my body and 2. I don’t want to be seen as sensitive.

This morning my dad excitedly told me how he went down a shorts size (he is not overweight in the slightest). I know he didn’t mean any harm but I felt my heart sink especially since I was literally making food as he told me that. I felt happy for him but it also made me feel like I should be losing weight too.

My parents also don’t seem to understand portion sizes. I wanted to eat a packet of smoked salmon which was a 1 serving packet with low calories and my mom tells me “that’s a TON of food you’re going to have the entire packet????”. I also feel like everything Im eating is being judged even if it’s a good thing. Like I feel nervous when my dad says my food looks good because I feel like I can see him analyzing everything on my plate and making a judgment.

My point is it’s exhausting and I feel like my only hope is moving out which I’ll be doing soon anyway for college.

For 3 years I’ve struggled with this annoying ass ED. All I care about is losing as much body fat as possible so I can have 0 curves (except for whatever’s bone). I’ve never successfully lost enough fat to be happy with myself. I’ve been on the lower range of a healthy BMI but never truly underweight. I just want to be able to wear slim jeans and have no thighs or butt. I’m so jealous of cis guys who are so skinny and even if they gain a bit of weight they still look skinny.

Last year I got sick of starving myself and wanted to be able to eat more food without feeling so guilty. I decided weightlifting or doing high amounts of cardio was the only way for me to eat and gain weight without as much guilt. I eventually fell in love with lifting and spent all year building a way more masculine and toned physique.

But recently I completely stopped weightlifting. I’m STILL unhappy with my body. This is the most masculine my body has ever looked, and yet all I want is to be skinny again. Recovery feels impossible because all the reasons people give for recovering don’t apply to me.

Not having top surgery is also the worst thing ever because I can’t wear shirts that actually fit me so I feel like I just look fatter than I am in my clothes. Why are cis guys so naturally skinny it’s not fair. I would give away all my belongings just to be skinny with no curves and no fat on my arms or anything.

How am I supposed to recover if recovery means more dysphoria and more unhappiness?? I think I will only truly be happy when I am actually skinny.

I would say that 4-5 days out of the week I get no sleep and I’m just up all night not even feeling tired. I often go to sleep hungry which is fine because it never seems to stop me from falling asleep, my issue is waking up at like 2am and never going back to sleep. When I wake up in the night Im really hungry and then I start stressing because I’ve always heard not sleeping is horrible for weight loss. I just feel like I do so well all day with my diet and ruin it by not sleeping. I just want to go back to being able to eat food normally and sleep like a baby. I’ve been doing so well though I’d be so sad to give up.

I don’t enjoy junk food and I pretty much never eat it because I grew up in a very “healthy” family. HOWEVER, since dieting I suddenly just want to go to the gas station and buy gummy bears, chips, ice cream, Oreos etc.
I genuinely would’ve never had this urge if I wasn’t dieting. What do I even do? Ignore it obviously. But man why can’t I just be happy.

I feel like when I was deep into my ED I knew the more I continued restricting/undereating the closer I was to having to recover. Like in the back of my head I knew this wouldn’t last forever and I’d have to change. Did anyone also feel this way or were you surprised when you actually had to start recovery?

I’m transgender and I feel like I could make a really good therapist for people (especially teens) who are also going through a transition or are feeling like they may be trans. I’ve had numerous therapists growing up and I always felt completely misunderstood by them. They just could not understand the difficulties of being a young trans kid in a way that actually helped me get through my struggles. I want to be someone that trans youth can actually turn to for real help as someone they can truly relate to.

Any advice/feedback is appreciated. I’m sure I will also be a therapist for people who are not lgbtq+, but I believe it would greatly benefit the world if there were more trans/queer therapists.

I’m transgender and I feel like I could make a really good therapist for people (especially teens) who are also going through a transition or are feeling like they may be trans. I’ve had numerous therapists growing up and I always felt completely misunderstood by them. They just could not understand the difficulties of being a young trans kid in a way that actually helped me get through my struggles. I want to be someone that trans youth can actually turn to for real help as someone they can truly relate to.

Any advice/feedback is appreciated. I’m sure I will also be a therapist for people who are not lgbtq+, but I believe it would greatly benefit the world if there were more trans/queer therapists.

(M 17) Pls note I am not promoting any harmful behaviors I just genuinely need to get this off my chest.

After a year of weightlifting and seeing a lot of changes in my physique, a switch has flipped in my brain and I’m back to my old self. Suddenly I don’t care about building muscle, all I care about is getting skinny. In the back of my mind I always knew this is what I truly wanted. Going to the gym and building muscle was a coping mechanism for me, It allowed me to not feel so guilty for eating more food. It taught me a lot about nutrition and I am definitely healthier than I used to be but I am not happier. I don’t like the way I look and I cannot accept my body right now. I also can’t force myself to want a muscular or chubbier/normal body. I tried convincing myself I like the way that body type looks (on me) but I simply don’t. I have always preferred slim builds and I want that for myself. 

I think part of what triggered this change were some comments from my friends and family. My best friend told me I look great and he can tell I’m “not as thin as I used to be” but that’s not what I want to hear. My mom told me when I “was skinny” I didn’t look good. And other things like my dad telling me my doctor will be “happy with my progress”. I feel like I am alone in this. What guy works out for a year, puts on some nice muscle, and then thinks “hmm no I want to be skinny again”. Genuinely what is wrong with me? Has anyone else gone through this?