u/resilienced

He passed 5 years ago and we had a good relationship before he passed but he struggled a lot with raising me. Repeating cycles and all that. At the beginning of my life I lived with both him and my grandma although they had not been together for a decade by the time I was born. When I was 6 my grandma moved across the country to take care of her mother and my grandpa lost grip. Would beat me daily. Wouldn’t feed me unless I cooked it myself. Lost it on me over the smallest things. I’m pretty sure he had OCD.

After a few years of constant abuse and no one helping me I concocted the idea of messing with his food in order to get back at him. As an adult I’m not proud of this. We lived in an old beat down single wide trailer with leaks and mold everywhere. I look back and am shocked he never got seriously sick from that.

When I was 12 my grandma moved back with us and one of the first things she asked was about the stains on the ceiling in the kitchen. I pretended to not know what it was. I think I told her years later but the convo is foggy. He died never knowing I did that for months maybe even up to a year before I realized it was staining the ceiling and I should stop.

EDIT: I think I need to make it clear I did this as a child. Probably 7/8 when I was throwing the hamburger on the ceiling. And my grandpa was not an elderly frail man. He was a blue collar man with his own lil farm he was strong and athletic to his very last day. Teen pregnancy ran rampant in my family he was only 42 when I was born. And I’m a woman. He was beating a little girl daily for years. Destroyed any bit of confidence that I had and I’m still working to gain back at 27.

CW: SH

I feel like a horrible mom. I have PMDD and CPTSD and today was horrible. In the sense that it felt like everything was going wrong and I couldn’t keep up but I didn’t lose my cool on my son. It was so small. Just getting ready for bedtime and finally I can lay in bed and recover from the day. We were in the tiny bathroom he was using the toilet and I bumped into the counter and a bunch of things fell. It wasn’t even a big deal but I absolutely lost it.

I broke down crying and turned around and slammed the door into my head repeatedly while screaming a bunch of self hatred at myself. It absolutely scared my son. I wanted to comfort him but I could barely breathe. I just got him in bed and told him I was sorry and that I loved him.

I planned on going back into his room and reconnecting with him after I calmed down but I spiraled so badly and every time I could calm down a little bit I’d get worked up again. By the time I could think and looked okay he was asleep.

I instantly regretted losing my composure in front of him. This isnt even the first time. Last year I had another breakdown but I was hitting myself in the head with my hands and crying. That’s something he imitated for months and I felt like the worst mother ever. I worked with him for months and we just finally got over it I thought but I go and fuck it all up again.

I know I need professional help but it’s out of reach

I’m 27 and just started drinking for the first time in my life. I grew up around alcoholics and swore I’d never become that but 2 weeks ago I quit weed after daily heavy use for 2 years and I was itching for anything. Drank an entire bottle of malibu that had been in my fridge for 3 years untouched in 1 night. Realized wtf am I doing and didn’t drink for a week as much as I was itching for it the entire time. So I researched alcohol that’s easy to drink with a high percentage so I’d get drunk fast and bought a bottle of triple triple jameson. I have drank half the thing in 2 hours and I feel like I need to keep going idk if I just don’t know the feeling of drunk and it’s not enough or what. I’m 5’3 140 pounds and a woman. According to the BAC calculators online I should be feeling it and yet I’m continuing to drink this as I pace around wondering when it will kick it. Did my bloodline being full of alcoholics make me metabolize alcohol fast or what

I’m about to be 28. My worst abuser in my childhood bought me a diary for Christmas when I was 8(?) and I was soooo excited. Of course as a child I think my diary is personal I would write how I didn’t like this man in my journal and the things that he did to me. One night he used my sister’s voice to unlock my diary (it was one of those early 2000s voice locked journals) and screamed what I wrote at me while pushing me, kicking me, hitting me, dragging me by my hair to my room. Whole nine yards. Reenacting what I wrote it in while I felt so humiliated because I thought those entries were safe with me and I knew my mom would be angry I wrote those things too she always wanted to keep the blinds on. He then burned my journal and I cried all night I was so excited when I got that for Christmas. He always knew how to load me down with gifts on the holidays just to torture me and hold them over my head on regular days.

Throughout life I’ve tried to pickup journaling and have never been able to stick with it because I just end up stripping down my thoughts until I can write them in a way where I wouldn’t mind if someone read them. I feel my heart race faster, my hands sweat and shake. It would freak me out to write down my actual thoughts so bad.

I finally feel safe. My girlfriend and I have been living together for almost 3 years and I know she would never read my journal. For the first time in my life journaling has been cathartic and doesn’t feel pointless. I’m so excited to start journaling again it feels like I just got a piece of me back.

what the hell is this normal? i’ve been lying awake for hours trying to sleep but i can’t because my gums have been THROBBING since 6 hours after quitting i’m starting to think i just won’t sleep tonight

The shame is consuming me even as my partner tells me not to feel shame. I have lupus and haven’t been able to great treatment for a few years. I can usually power through a flare up but it just so happened to coincide with my PMDD week and everyday has felt like an uphill battle. I’m in constant pain, can barely keep food down, barely sleeping through the night. This morning just broke me.

My partner was just trying to help me. To offer me solutions for me feeling bad but it was all so overwhelming. My reaction makes no sense. I just broke. Shut myself in the closet and slammed my head into the wall for I don’t know how long I just remember thinking I wish I would pass out already. By the time I was able to stop myself I could already feel blood running down my face. The instant regret. I’m now shamefully rocking a baseball sized bump on my forehead, all red and scratched up while also adding a mind splitting headache onto my already aching body. Don’t you just love what your body does when you enter survival mode /s

The entire time our 4 year old child was in the next room playing with his toys. I don’t know what to say to him. I hate that he’s growing up to have memories of his emotionally unstable mother harming herself just like I did. I try so hard to stop the cycle but it feels like it’s never hard enough I just want better for him I don’t ever want him to feel scared around me

We live in Texas and have just barely been coming out. We are 2 women with a young son. We have been becoming in touch with our gayness and therefore have a gay flag up and a rainbow doormat. Immediately upon these new neighbors moving in I heard this man say something about “queers” in an upset tone but couldn’t make it out. Decided not to think the worst. We haven’t really talked or introduced ourselves to these people. They have a young daughter that sometimes runs up to our patio and interacts with my son. We keep our niceties. The other day I had a small fire and when the fire dpt showed up they asked if we were ok. So I didn’t think they were gonna be nasty people.

The last several nights they get belligerently drunk and were loud about it. I’m a very light sleeper. Tonight I end up sitting on the couch unable to sleep because of them trying to block them out then I hear them yelling queers. It piqued my interest enough to eavesdrop. I know I shouldn’t have. My heart dropped out of my ass when I heard this man yell “wish we could burn those queers” as they’re playing around with lighting branches on fire in their fire pit. They continue to laugh about that and make a few more comments about fucking queers and how they don’t wanna be around them. I know that’s something they probably didn’t even expect me to hear so should I just leave it and hope it wasn’t directed at my family? Shortly after that the man found a baby toad and showed it to the woman and stomped it to death then she screamed and laughed. Seem like truly unwell people but I hope they’re not capable of hurting another human. There were several times he was getting riled up about something and she had to tell him to calm down and not do anything.

My son is 4 and he struggles to understand other children socially and is easily pushed around. He’s in play therapy at school but this is outside of school.

My apartment complex has a playground that my son and I have been playing at since we moved in a year ago. Recently someone moved into one of the units by the playground and there is a 6 year old girl that lives there. She came out and “played” with my son. I had never experienced a situation like this so I don’t know how I need to handle this?

She initially comes up and tells him to play with her so they get on the playground and he goes down the slide once. Apparently he didn’t do it the way she wanted. She tells him he needs to walk laps with her. I’ve never experienced that type of playing before but it didn’t seem harmful so I didn’t interject and it’s a really small playground the “laps” weren’t much. but when my son obviously doesn’t want to walk laps and instead wants to play she tells him he’s gonna sit in timeout. I say we came here to play but she doesn’t let up. She takes it upon herself to name herself his babysitter and forcefully keeps picking up my son all while I’m gently trying to tell this girl to leave my son alone and let him play. I’m not a confrontational person and maybe I should’ve been more here. I asked here where her parents are and she said I don’t know. Proceeds to force my son to sit down again. I say maybe we should just go home. I’m pissed at this point. Who does this lil girl think she is?? Then when I say that she starts saying “Ohhh I’m gonna whoop him” cause my son dropped his weight when she tried to pick him up again. Stopped her dead in her tracks said absolutely not you won’t my son doesn’t even know what that is. But she still does it when I go to grab my son from her. Granted it wasn’t hard because she was 6 but what the FUCK??? I knocked on the door she ran out of on the walk back from the playground to tell her parents to parent their child but no one answered I guess she is truly just alone at this apartment.

It very much felt like she was treating my son the way she gets treated by adults and that’s heartbreaking. I don’t know how I should handle this situation do I just try to talk to her or her parents? Leave the situation? On the fence of never going back to our playground after that I don’t want my son in situations like that especially when he doesn’t even realize someone is actively being mean to him he thinks this lil girl is his friend I don’t want him to think that’s how friends act but he wants to “play” with her again so badly. I need advice please.