u/river-washere

A big fucking joke. Imagine finally having the courage to ask for help for something you've dealt with for years. It's hard lately too.

Finally texting them and.... Nothing. No reply. Alright.. maybe bad luck. Try again later next day. No. Nothing.

And if that wasn't bad enough, the hotlines are robotic. You're talking to a script, but at least you're talking to someone. Is that their problem? Probably not. They're just trying to do their job. Yet the effect is so bad.

It's already hard and now you feel more worthless, helpless and hopeless than ever before.

edit: just got redditcareresources 😂😂😂, what a joke. I'm not fucking doing this again. Holy shit

This has been talked about a lot. And there is always controversial opinions.

And most people agree somewhat if a person is suicidal bc of physical illness and such that doesn't allow them to function, is understandable a bit

But other people not, why?

It fucking doesn't get better. It's years of shit having to pull through the pain. Emotional pain no one will ever understand.

Not everyone has the money for therapy and such either. It doesn't always help either. And they're still supposed to suffer?

So what, still continue to live for other people? Both sides are selfish anyways, but no one has to live through such unimaginable pain.

At least with grief, it won't stay with someone for life. They'll eventually get better with time.

And some people don't have anyone either.

But yet suicide is looked down upon and is taboo to even talk about with some people.

Suicide is always seen badly for some reason when it's their life as well. Not everyone regrets it.

And not everyone is not thinking clearly or irrationally. A lot of people are self aware. And even if they're not at least they won't be in pain anymore.

So why? Suicide is still one of the worst and selfish things to ever exist? Right..

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TW: suicidal thoughts and depression.

I think something I hate the most about myself is that I'm "weak" and "sensitive".

And in my early teen years I was suicidal. Though I'd never actually go completely through it even though I tried to attempt twice.

I can count on my hands how many thoughts like that I had as well. And a few months back I had the same thoughts. I would never act on it because I know it's a bad thing. That it's irrational.

Still can't help but feel.. should I have done it anyways? Would I've felt better?

and lately I've been feeling a bit depressed as well when I thought I got over it before.

It's just so painful.

Though now and that I'll be 20 in few months apart of me is desperate to improve and give myself the life I can give to myself since I'm sick of being a failure and failing myself.

And I've been trying to do better in healthier ways and fix my self and get it together slowly.

I guess since I'm alive might as well do so since I only have myself. And need to stop being harsh on myself.

It's so painful and I just want to stop crying already too.

This is embarrassing.

TW: suicidal thoughts and depression.

I think something I hate the most about myself is that I'm "weak" and "sensitive".

And in my early teen years I was suicidal. Though I'd never actually go completely through it even though I tried to attempt twice.

I can count on my hands how many thoughts like that I had as well. And a few months back I had the same thoughts. I would never act on it because I know it's a bad thing. That it's irrational.

Still can't help but feel.. should I have done it anyways? Would I've felt better?

and lately I've been feeling a bit depressed as well when I thought I got over it before.

It's just so painful.

Though now and that I'll be 20 in few months apart of me is desperate to improve and give myself the life I can give to myself since I'm sick of being a failure and failing myself.

And I've been trying to do better in healthier ways and fix my self and get it together slowly.

I guess since I'm alive might as well do so since I only have myself. And need to stop being harsh on myself.

It's so painful and I just want to stop crying already too.

This is embarrassing.

And I'm just beginning to realize it. It's truly a reality check.

No matter how close or not you're with the people around you only I can change myself. and I'm sick of my life being this way and no one would help you more than yourself.

I already also tried with the people around me, they would say "overreacting", "it'll pass" , "sensitive.". As much as I unfortunately tried to look for help with the people around me no one cares more than myself.

I'm sick of it. Yk what I'm emotional and sensitive and I'm sick of crying alone. I need to do better for myself and keep trying and trying in healthy ways. I only have one life.

I'm also ashamed that I'm almost 20 and I haven't got it together.

And fck depression. Fck everything. I'm exhausted and the only one who can help me is myself and no one will be kinder to myself than me. I'm sick of being negative and harsh to myself and everything in my life.

Hate that I'm such a weak person.

I need to get it together and do it slowly step by step and healthily until I can better myself and live the life I can give to myself.

Hopefully it's never too late.

I'm sick of my useless life.

I'm almost 20 and can't do anything right.

I'm pathetic.

Sick of being sensitive and emotional all the time.

Sick of starting to feel a bit depressed after already getting over it years ago.

Sick of crying.

Sick of being told I'm overreacting and emotional.

Sick of being anxious all the time.

Sick of not finding out what exactly I want in my future.

Sick of trying to be disciplined and failing.

Sick of trying to do things healthier way and still come back to step 1.

Sick of being a failure and failing myself.

Sick of not being able to be kinder to myself no matter how much I try. And always being so harsh on myself that my already bad mental health worsens.

Sick of always being negative.

Sick of feeling bad about crying alone because I'm too sensitive.

Sick of being bad at the only hobby I'm consistent at that's also supposed to be my future career.

Sick of being so sensitive.

Sick of not being able to get it together.

I'm sick of everything

One thing about me is that I'm always harsh on myself. So much so that my already bad mental health I fear will worsen even more because of it.

I also struggled with depression(and some suicidal thoughts that wasn't too serious other than that once or twice when I tried to choke myself), and while I don't believe I have it anymore, lately I feel like I'm getting back to that mentality again.

Another thing is I also kept getting told that showing emotions is not "good". And I don't mean like angry, like crying and venting.

So I keep bottling my emotions instead and feel bad because like I keep getting told, "I'd be overreacting and sensitive". Even if I cry alone as well.

So I thought that being more stoic is the answer, but I found out it's apparently unhealthy to think this way around my feelings.

I believe if I learned to be more kinder and treat myself more gently a lot of my problems like what I mentioned above would disappear, but I don't know how.

I also don't want to go to therapy. I'm terrified of saying personal things, which would also feel invasive and getting a bad experience.

They'd also point every single thing wrong with me which would make me feel even more awful.

Besides.. I also don't want to be weak and that I can't handle making myself better when I'm already so sensitive which is unfortunate.

Like being more stoic. Tired of people saying I'm too emotional or overreacting.

And I don't mean like being angry or such, but like venting, crying.

I want to stop being so sensitive. And I do try to stop venting/showing/etc my feelings to anyone, but now, it bothers me when I cry alone and feel that "I'm doing too much." And "to stop being so sensitive".

I would like to improve on that, but I'm clueless.

Before I get into what I want to improve/achieve I wanted to rant a little.

I never really had any notable hobbies or friends for that matter. It always makes me feel worthless.

It doesn't help that I'm socially awkward too and have hard time interacting with people, I also get extremely anxious.

I would also always get jealous and have fantasies of a life that I want to live. This never stopped, and hinders me so much. I also used to be depressed and I'm afraid I'm getting back to that mindset which was very hurtful to me.

I'm now attending uni after switching majors which affected me greatly mentally.

Sometimes I feel really lost too and unsure of who I'm am or what I want to do in the future. This went on for years.

After having to switch majors, I didn't want to make the same mistake and fail again + actually do something I enjoy.

Now my major is art related and I chose it because it's the only hobby that stuck with me even though I've a pretty bad "relationship" with it and even went years without drawing.

I also struggle with having a negative or nihilistic(?) mindset. Always thinking of the worst of everything or myself.

I believe apart of why I'm lost is because I'm not disciplined and don't have a clear path. Now that I at least have a major I enjoy more I want to make the most out of it, but I struggle with being disciplined. Not practicing enough, Cant time manage my time properly etc.

And I believe it may help me mentally too, since one of the reasons I decided to not draw anymore before was I was never going to be good enough.

I want to change myself, my mentality and be more disciplined. I don't want to have anymore regrets or cry about being worthless and make the most out of uni and the rest of my future years and do better for myself.

And maybe after I do this, I'll think more highly of myself too and become less emotional which is something I also struggle with.

Why couldn't I be be born talented? Or born good at science to just be a doctor.

Why is the only thing I can do, I'm bad at?

No matter how hard I try improvement is slow or I just feel like a moron because I can't observe correctly, still see things in symbols sometimes, cannot get proportions correctly, cannot understand to actually apply things correctly to my drawings?

Why can't the things I study, I can never apply correctly most of the time?

Why can't I do anything right?

Why is the only thing I enjoy something I'm horrible at?

Why is it so mentally draining?

Why when I quit art years ago I came back to it?

I'm at a point where I want to genuinely 🎲 bc I can never be good enough, I can never do the things I want, I'll never be good enough to do the animations I want. I'll never be able to do it professionally. I'll never be able to compete with the best animators/artists I admire.

I'm exhausted.

My life is worthless.

I don't know if I hate or like art anymore either.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, I know I like art. I also know it's the only thing I can do even though I'm still a beginner. Somehow I got into uni for 3d animation.

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Now, I also have another goal, I want to animate in 2d as well. So I thought I can just try to do both since I believe they can complete each other both 3d and 2d.

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Now comes my problem. I was having problems mentally before bc I thought I was worthless and could never be an artist and didn't draw for a few years when I was younger. I got back into art around almost 2 years now before uni and I do improve but not much. Problem is I barely draw, which conflicts with my dreams and ambitions. I know if I don't draw I'll never get to be a proficient animator, let alone even good at art or call myself an artist.

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But I can never see to get out of this mentally, don't draw much - get severely sad - hinders improvement. And when I try to push myself it feels like just back then when I would force myself to draw and would hate it and keep comparing myself to other talented artists my age or younger.

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I genuinely feel like a hopeless case. Could it be at the end I don't like the act of drawing itself? Fear ?

Lacking discipline?

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