u/saucity

I am a pain patient, so my dose is higher than some folks here, at 400 mg IV over 2 hours every 1-3 months.

I get Versed, Zofran, the usual. (And yes, my father is wonderful. 💕)

I know many of y'all know what I mean when I say "the white room".

But if not, It's when you are K-holed, you think you're trapped in this scary white void forever (or you might be dead) - it's nothing but terrifying, and you have no sense of who you are, let alone are able remember that it's just ketamine, and you're safe.

There is absolutely no talking you out of this, or talking you down, because you can't hear or see anyone. Just the white void. All you can do is panic and try to escape.

This time, I 'came to' on the floor, huddled in a corner, with their beautiful, medical-grade recliner flipped over, blood everywhere because of my IV (I may have DIY this, or it yanked as I fell,) and a bunch of very concerned-looking staff members standing over me.

I don't remember falling out of the chair, and I thought at the time I picked it up and flipped it over by Hulking Out.

Apparently, I just fell back backwards from sitting up hard, like a maniac. (I'd love to see the video, because I'm not sure how this is possible, but I doubt they would share that with me).

My hand feels amazing!! (I have nerve pain called CRPS, and it's the worst in my hand) so, it still worked!!!

...but I have given myself some kind of new neck injury, basically "whiplash" from this bullshit.

I used to have mostly pleasant or neutral experiences, and not freak out. Freaking out was very rare.

I've been getting these for 7-8 years now, and I think I've just reached a plateau where, I'm always gonna flip out in the K hole.

My dad said (I feel so awful about this 😭) that I really come out swinging, and that I punched him in the throat. No memory of any of this. He's ok, I don't think these punches have a ton of force behind them but, I don't know, and he probably would lie to me to make me feel better.

He knows "it's not me"; he can tell by the look on my face that I really can't see anyone or hear them, but I hate scaring my loved ones/providers/other patients.

I know the staff is mostly equipped to deal with this, but I feel guilty about that as well.

I'm told I'm not cussing anyone out, being mean, or belligerent, that it's basically, "pathetically sad to watch, I'm clearly terrified, fighting for my little life with all my might."

I don't even know what I'm asking here. Not for medical advice.

Have any of you hit this kind of wall with Infusions?

I've always said, the negatives do NOT outweigh the benefits I get from ketamine, and I credit it with saving my life, truly.

That I know that even if it's scary or unpleasant, that it's just brain chemistry, and it is going to work, no matter what my experience is like. But now it's affecting others negatively.

I guess I'm just dealing with the guilt of, hurting myself on someone else's watch like that, scaring my darling father almost every time, etc.

They're not ready to fire me as a patient… Yet. They weren't mad or upset with me or anything, they were mostly unfazed - we're just trying to find the right dose/timing of Versed, maybe.

Once I was unplugged, I was able to sit down and explain 'the white room' to them (she said many other patients describe this almost verbatim), and have a reasonable conversation about what to do next time.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this as a long-term or even short-term patient, and

I don't think there's an answer of "what to do" that I can't come up with with my provider, like giving extra Versed right at 45 minutes, or something.

Although I'd love to hear if you went through this, and something helped that you tried.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and have a gentle day.

It's moderately important and alarming 🥰

Hey, hope you're well!

I'll be in the Moorefield area for a few hours tomorrow, and I'd love to find a little place to swim, or at least put my feet in some fresh water, maybe put up a hammock.

Being able to swim a couple laps in the river or natural water (if it's not nasty) would be ideal.

Secret waterfalls? Quarries? Lakes? Cute streams?

Not opposed to a couple mile hike to get to a good spot.

What about Brighton Park? How's the Potomac there - is it accessible for swimming / hiking around river rocks, or putting a chair in the water?

Or Breezewood Adventures? Think they'd let me swim?

I would appreciate and love any recommendations, and thanks in advance!

I've been searching on various apps, and used the search function here, but haven't really found anything solid so far, so thanks again

Cheers from Harpers Ferry

[objects mistaken for guns](https://www.ranker.com/list/objects-mistaken-for-guns/anabel-conner)

[and y'all remember the fuckin acorns??](https://youtu.be/MZPplp7wGso?si=LVPjQ9jC4DIqKnt5)

1312

She is a friend!! And so tiny