u/shinebrightmister

I thought it was an issue with my dating profile, but now, even a girl I met with from the street and hooked up with said the same shit.

This is specifically from the much cuter or hotter girls. I rarely get this from girls less hot. But it's shit like.

"You're a sweet guy but I don't see a strong connection"

or...

"Would you be cool if we're friends?"

This is what I tend to get AFTER sex.

But even with some, I get this BEFORE sex even if they WERE dtf at first.

"I don't feel a romantic connection"

I've been looping on this because it's like while yes, I am making other regular gradual improvements to my neediness, looks, sex, voice, groundedness etc...

I can't pinpoint what it is. The only culprit I can think of is my slight autism. But to friendzone me AFTER sex because of it???

This same girl my friend was able to retain as a FWB. So I know she's not lying. But it kills me man.

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Part of me wants a cushy IT job. That ship has sailed. I was making 100k+/year barely doing anything and almost 200k/year for over two years. Now I can't even land a 60k/year job.

I used to be cheap af. Now I'm living like a normal person and my cost of living is going to jump to 50k/year after tax. I want at least enough money coming in to not touch the invested 500k.

Ideally, I want the work I do to be challenging and a scalable skillset that I can eventually do for myself. The only one that comes to mind is sales though...

I come from a health and IT background with over three years working as a software developer. Since I half-assed it and coasted on my salary and saving, I never grew any skills and now my skills are heavily outdated even for a junior job.

For context, the way to get me to act is routine, dealing with people in some pressured way, and repetition that I can tweak. I like optimizing systems and learning about human behavior.

I have a few options:

\- Keep applying and networking for IT roles. It's been almost a year already.

\- Get my PMP. I may be able to secure a somewhat cushy project manager role. Perhaps in IT. No guarantees.

\- Get into sales. Go all out on learning, and try to get into IT sales or even IT health sales, eventually doing consulting, and selling my own products.

Suggestions?

​

Part of me wants a cushy IT job. That ship has sailed. I was making 100k+/year barely doing anything and almost 200k/year for over two years. Now I can't even land a 60k/year job.

I used to be cheap af. Now I'm living like a normal person and my cost of living is going to jump to 50k/year after tax. I want at least enough money coming in to not touch the invested 500k.

Ideally, I want the work I do to be challenging and a scalable skillset that I can eventually do for myself. The only one that comes to mind is sales though...

I come from a health and IT background with over three years working as a software developer. Since I half-assed it and coasted on my salary and saving, I never grew any skills and now my skills are heavily outdated even for a junior job.

For context, the way to get me to act is routine, dealing with people in some pressured way, and repetition that I can tweak. I like optimizing systems and learning about human behavior.

I have a few options:

\- Keep applying and networking for IT roles. It's been almost a year already.

\- Get my PMP. I may be able to secure a somewhat cushy project manager role. Perhaps in IT. No guarantees.

\- Get into sales. Go all out on learning, and try to get into IT sales or even IT health sales, eventually doing consulting, and selling my own products.

Suggestions?

​

Part of me wants a cushy IT job. That ship has sailed. I was making 100k+/year barely doing anything and almost 200k/year for over two years. Now I can't even land a 60k/year job.

I used to be cheap af. Now I'm living like a normal person and my cost of living is going to jump to 50k/year after tax. I want at least enough money coming in to not touch the invested 500k.

Ideally, I want the work I do to be challenging and a scalable skillset that I can eventually do for myself. The only one that comes to mind is sales though...

I come from a health and IT background with over three years working as a software developer. Since I half-assed it and coasted on my salary and saving, I never grew any skills and now my skills are heavily outdated even for a junior job.

For context, the way to get me to act is routine, dealing with people in some pressured way, and repetition that I can tweak. I like optimizing systems and learning about human behavior.

I have a few options:

\- Keep applying and networking for IT roles. It's been almost a year already.

\- Get my PMP. I may be able to secure a somewhat cushy project manager role. Perhaps in IT. No guarantees.

\- Get into sales. Go all out on learning, and try to get into IT sales or even IT health sales, eventually doing consulting, and selling my own products.

Suggestions?

Part of me wants a cushy IT job. That ship has sailed. I was making 100k+/year barely doing anything and almost 200k/year for over two years. Now I can't even land a 60k/year job.

I used to be cheap af. Now I'm living like a normal person and my cost of living is going to jump to 50k/year after tax. I want at least enough money coming in to not touch the invested 500k.

Ideally, I want the work I do to be challenging and a scalable skillset that I can eventually do for myself. The only one that comes to mind is sales though...

I come from a health and IT background with over three years working as a software developer. Since I half-assed it and coasted on my salary and saving, I never grew any skills and now my skills are heavily outdated even for a junior job.

For context, the way to get me to act is routine, dealing with people in some pressured way, and repetition that I can tweak. I like optimizing systems and learning about human behavior.

I have a few options:

\- Keep applying and networking for IT roles. It's been almost a year already.

\- Get my PMP. I may be able to secure a somewhat cushy project manager role. Perhaps in IT. No guarantees.

\- Get into sales. Go all out on learning, and try to get into IT sales or even IT health sales, eventually doing consulting, and selling my own products.

Suggestions?

Set up a last-minute date with a mid girl and felt genuinely satisfied in a way I don't usually feel. That surprised me, because my focus lately has been on hotter girls, retaining them, building something real with them. But something shifted today. The goal wasn't a specific outcome. I've been working on being more genuinely caring during dates and in texting, not as a tactic but just as a person. And tonight showed me that's actually changing how I experience these interactions.

Late at night I was weighing three options: gym, early sleep, or hit up a lead. I scrolled through and landed on a girl we'd never met. Last time she flaked last minute. She looked active so I messaged her: hey, let's do something spontaneous. She was on the fence, so I handled it the same way I'd handle a friend who's hesitant to go out late. Playful, light pressure, "come on, go get ready, quick things." She said f*** it and came out.

Picked her up, grabbed a random drink, got her back to mine. Smooth, normal flow. Showed her around and within like 10 minutes we were f***ing. Two rounds, good conversation after, then blasted music in the car on the way home. Even after she left we were still texting. Just a genuinely fun vibe, like hanging out with someone I'm also attracted to. No spreadsheet energy, no calculated moves. Something real.

That fun, zero f***s given energy? I want to bring that to my dates with hotter girls. I already lead and they already follow, but I want to take it up a level. Specifically I want to layer in the caring piece without asking permission to care. Not "do you want water?" Just grabbing her a water. Not "are you cold?" Just handing her a jacket because I read the room. Proactive attunement, no announcement, no seeking approval for it. That's the version I'm building toward.

The difference between this date and my usual higher stakes ones is that tonight I wasn't managing a plan. I was just having fun with a person in front of me. That's the state I want to access regardless of how hot she is.

We went two rounds, no ED, came with a condom. All green flags. But I finished in about 5 minutes both times and that's something to work on. Doesn't tank the outcome since she wants to meet again, but I know I want more control there. I tend to either go too long or too short and I need to find the middle.

Shitty to admit but anyone unambitious or fat disgusts me . I used to be all these things so you'd expect me to be more empathetic but instead I fear It like the plague.

I genuinely get grossed out and feel like I'll catch something by being around them.

I know it's fucked. But it's how I feel rn.

It's like I see the old version of myself in them and just feel sick.

How to let go?

I feel like this with women too. Even if they have a little belly i'm grossed out.

It's like with any pursuit in life.

You might get lucky with a great job here or there. Or you might make it on that team...

But hoping for luck to save you or for some cheat code to fix everything is what holds us back.

You can't expect meaningful change if your foot is half in half out. You have to take the step and fully invest and making the sacrifices necessary.

And it's always more than what you thiught at first. The amount of emotional and mental blockers to overcome is insane.

Side note: As I wrote this, one of the girls was down to meet up again and apologized for responding so late. She also happened to be the slightly autistic one...hmmm...this is also the girl who was looking for a life partner, I genuinely believe is inexperienced (mostly a serial monogamist), and we hooked up on the first date, and did rough stuff and everything.

Going to give as much context as possible and potential culprits:

- After we hook up, they might tell me they got home which I'll respond to and then I'll hit them up a day or two later with something related to the date, then ill hit them up again a day or two later asking when they're free next week. Maybe dead momentum? The one girl I did retain recently, I planned the second hang out during the first exchange. I texted a slightly autistic girl without momentum and she responded though. Hmmm...

- I'm likely ASD-1 autistic. I'm able to build enough comfort to have a fun flirty conversation for women to come over and for us to hook up. Maybe they look back at my vibe afterwards and think "nah"? I do tend to find emotional experiences in common to connect which is usually why they feel comfortable coming over in the first place. I've been told by the same girls that I LOOK like a fuckboy but I don't SOUND like a fuckboy. They say I look like I'm in sales but I sound like I'm in IT. That's so cooked man.

- I'm maybe not getting them off well enough? I usually get them off with my fingers and do foreplay first, then we'll have 2 or 3 rounds of PIV. I last like prob 5 mins a round. If I get off first, I still try to get them off afterwards with my fingers. Sometimes they finish and sometimes they don't. I'm also cautious with this because the more in my head I am about my performance, the less I'm likely to finish and that's usually worse because she gets insecure.

- I like to makeout a lot. Maybe this is turning them off? They don't show signs of not being into it though.

- I'm rough. I still gage their comfort level though but I'm usually choking, slapping their ass, pulling their hair, or having them deep throat me. Once again, I'm seeing their comfort level as I'm doing this and adjusting. We also cuddle for like an hour or more afterwards and pillow talk.

- I'm fit and ripped and look fit with my clothes on, but maybe my six pack isn't as ripped naked as my physique would suggest? This seems unlikely to be the issue but just throwing out ideas.

- Not positioning myself as a value-add and not really knowing what my main selling point is? The best situationships I've had was when I completely unleashed my situational humor and word association and almost offensive animal-like playfulness where they would feel comfortable letting go because I didn't take things too seriously. Any girl who's already into me seems to eat it up. I guess because seeing how I didn't judge myself gave them the space to open up? So I guess that? Other than that, I'm not a sex god. I don't present as rich (i'm not cheap on dates and I rent a place with a roommate and have a car and that's it). I'm not the most socially vibey comfort-giving guy out there either.

- Maybe I'm too caring? This seems like a forced one lol. I usually drop them off home or drive them to their car afterwards. Kiss on the forehead. Big hugs. Water, snacks, towels. Making sure the temp is good for both of us.

This has happened more than once but happened recently again and is messing with my head.

I have a black neurotypical friend who mentored me in dating a little bit back when I was a virgin and showed me all the shenanigans he would get up to. I'm decent-looking but also slightly autistic.

Few years later, and we now have crossover in dating the same pool of girls after I leveled up.

One of them went straight over to his place while ghosting me for a bubble tea date from the apps. That's whatever.

I met a girl on the street this week who I thought was super cute, approached her, and went on a date and we hooked up. We seemed to have a great time. I really liked her.

I hit her up to meet up and I've been ghosted two days since.

Meanwhile, this friend/mentor actually fucked her from the apps and she was enthusiastic to meet up and he basically didn't respond to her for a week and ghosted her to the point where she got the memo then they STILL met up months later to hook up again. He has basically no issues with retaining girls and most want a relationship with him.

Meanwhile any of the really cute/hot girls I've been seeing rarely if at all want to see me for another date after we fuck, if even that and it's KILLING me inside.

It's like some cuck nightmare type shit.

The fat/meh girls will be thirsty, the cute ones will be sometimes down for a situationship, but the hot ones KEEP friendzoning or ghosting my ass.

I'm going INSANE man.

A girl from Hinge was looking for a life partner. We just naturally ended up fucking. She seemed really into me and needy for my attention at my place.

Then I'm the one initiating the texting and she might even end up ghosting my ass.

Another girl I met on the street and we went on a date the next day and hooked up. She ghosted my ass after I hit her up yesterday to hang out again.

I know I'm being kind of needy here but I'm not that way on the first date or through text. So WTF is happening.

Do they just box me in as the guy that make an exception for for one night while finding their husband? Thing is, they rarely want a situationship.

And I'm pounding the soul out of them, deep throat, fingering etc. Like im sure my sexual prowess can improve but I doubt its the main issue.

Maybe I'm too autistic? I dont know man. This shit has been FUCKING with me HARD.

One pattern I noticed is they say I look like a fuckboy but don't speak like one and that I speak like an IT guy which is BAD.

Or I give a genuine compliment and they might doubt if I'm being authentic.

I also don't text a lot after hanging out. I do maybe one small back and forth a day or two later then ill hit them after another day or two to see when they're free next.

I'm basically on auto-sex robot that can fuck decently hot girls by the first or second date. But I can't retain for shit when that's supposed to be the EASY part.

I'm posting in a moment of weakness today because I feel SICK.

I've been locked in since my last posts and getting really good dating results with beautiful girls and yesterday in a moment of stupidity, maybe out of an ego thing of wanting to make sure I had a date every night, I chose to schedule a date with a chubby girl with a cute face.

I kept trying to give excuses for myself on why it was okay. I under-dressed. I told her I didn't want to go to the venue when we met up. We walked on isolated streets because I didn't want to be seen with her. It was really inconsiderate on my part and I felt super guilty for even going through with it. I remember these hot girls looking at me with her on the street and just feeling a sense of deep shame.

Just out of habit, I invited her over within 15 minutes of the date but she insisted we get snacks first. I was grossed out and relieved because I was like I could end the date quick after she grabbed a bite for a few minutes.

The line was too long so she said fuck it let's go to my place. I got horny and said fuck it and changed my mind she was at my place within 30 minutes of us meeting. She gave me head but I didn't want to fuck plus she was on her period which was the tipping point for me to REALLY not want to fuck.

She was sexually frustrated which weirded me out because I felt like she was trying to guilt trip me to fuck but I just didn't want to do it so I didn't. But she kept trying to call me a pussy indirectly for not doing it. Plus she kept talking about how much she loved food which grossed me out.

I still did aftercare for an hour but I only did it because I felt like I lead her on by getting her to give me head amd I didn't really care for it. I would rather have been doing something else with my time but she was there and dtf and in the moment my dick said fuck it I'll take some head.

Since then, I slept earlier than usual and woke up later than usual. A lot of my recent composure is gone.

My friends called me an idiot before doing it but I already committed to the date and didn't want to cancel last minute. Now if I tell them, they'd be like I told you so.

I genuinely feel like since last night I've been cursed or something. I think I'm going to religiously never dip below my standards ever again.

I'm not kidding. It's BAD. Like I wanna cry almost. This was the most avoidable self-inflicted trauma ever too. And like I didn't have to bring someone else into this fuckery either.

I'm wondering if I might have low T or dopamine because the only motivator for me to push myself in dating or life in general is usually anger, frustration, or "why can't it be me".

Without those drivers, I'm basically just not dating at all. Been wondering more and more lately why my friends seem to just naturally "have it" when it comes to their intuition and drive whereas I'm like a manual car constantly needing stress emotions to run.

I'm wondering if I might have low T or dopamine because the only motivator for me to push myself in dating or life in general is usually anger, frustration, or "why can't it be me".

Without those drivers, I'm basically just not dating at all. Been wondering more and more lately why my friends seem to just naturally "have it" when it comes to their intuition and drive whereas I'm like a manual car constantly needing stress emotions to run.

It's actually killing me slowly.

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Even the ones who were dtf slowly demote me mentally from one night stand sexual intensity expectation, to bf sexual intensity expectation, to nothing.

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And the reason I'm saying its a pattern is because they specifically say its due to not feeling romantic vibes. Or only feeling friend vibes.

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Whereas the less attractive girls were more lenient (although even then it mattered but didn't register for me as an issue because I did quite well with them), with hot girls specifically it's like they seem to want me to be some super sexually dominant dude. Is this truly the case?

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All of them seemed to have hypersexual hypermasculine exes. Hmmm...seeing a pattern.

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And once again, IN SPITE OF THIS, we might still go on a date or two, or even sleep together and meet up for a next date (since they rationalized the sex as potential for a spark), but when we meet they notice it's off and it basically confirms it for them.

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Like I genuinely feel sick to my stomach. It's like due to the new type of girls I'm dating now, I'm basically a virgin all over again except everything im done or learned up to this point matters very little.

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And I know it's not the bullshit thing of "just be friends with women". I did that throughout my childhood. Especially even going into uni, I had some deep connections but at a certain point I realized it does NOT move the needle.

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Im not saying im going to become more toxic but somehow they're expecting me to be some dominant sexually aggressive tall gym guy and im not delivering or something.

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It took me a long time to come to this conclusion and at times, I still struggle with it because being enough means there's no cheat code.

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To be unapologetically one's self is also the hardest thing to do because it comes with so many caveats and situational context.

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I used to prep topics for dates. I scrapped that. I had gimmicks. Also scrapped that. I used to have excuses for girls coming over. I'm scrapping that now, with caveats.

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Even shit like not making polite conversation on a date or speaking at all if I'm not genuinely curious or amused by a topic means potentially 5 minutes of silence is preferable to me now over "so how many siblings do you have" if I genuinely don't care.

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But at the same time, still having the humbleness to have good logistics, a cool place and experience for guests to come to, and fun shared experiences...All while not expecting a specific outcome.

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It's really weird. It's like dating has been one long process of giving myself permission to just...be myself. And I've actually been PUNISHED SO MANY TIMES for not being myself. Yet I stubbornly feel like there's no way that can be the answer because I'm not enough/too autistic/not worthy etc.

I know for sure I've missed out on like 5 one night stand situations by not having drinks at home.

One hot club girl tonight even called me out like "youre a grown ass man. I expected you to have drinks" and left because just fucking without drinks gave her no excuse to let loose. Where it's like they feel slutty if they don't drink first and hang out a bit before we fuck.

I'm also retarded because off muscle memory instinct, as soon as she got on the bed, I slapped her ass as if we were familiar when it was our first time meeting. She didn't seem to care but it's just a cooked vibe. Alone in a room with an attractive sexual guy with no drinks and no fun and no familiarity at all besides a movie. I'd walk out too lmao.

She messaged me weird shit about putting a baby in her at her place. This is why I usually try to avoid inviting girls over before meeting in person but she was hot and calling me past midnight to come over...so I said fuck it.

I didnt have drinks because of health at first but later it was because I didn't want any situation where a girl pulls some bullshit like "he got me drunk blah blah blah".

So anyways, I know it CAN be a thing...

But does it move the needle when it comes to inviting girls over on a regular date? I usually use a board game, listening to music, or grabbing water to invite them over.

Does drinks make THAT much of a difference for sex??? I'm not talking about going to a bar BTW. I mean inviting them over for drinks...

It fucks me EVERYWHERE.

I HATE it with a PASSION.

Meditation only seems to go so far.

Supplements help a little.

I feel WEAK.

Anything I do feels like life or death. It's like I'm always in a state of mid-falling.

The only way I've been able to make it this far is because I'd rather die from feeling anxiety than live a life governed by it. I'm resilient.

But it's STILL not enough. My instincts are dulled. My focus is strained. Every day is a battle against my own body.

The future simulation of continuing to live a life like this is bleak in comparison to the one where I can overcome this.

I'm 28. I'm getting older and I'm still not sure who I am yet or what I want in life besides improving my position and bracing for the worst.

Been unemployed for almost a year despite trying and feel like the unemployed guy socially who "can't figure it out".

Haven't invested a single dollar this year into my savings and may even need to dip into them if I don't find work soon.

Been unable to retain a single hot girl beyond maybe one date after the date we had sex.

The only hot girls I've slept with without relying on status were either crazy or not fully sold on me. One girl was so cold and literally came over with a disrespectful attitude after our first date of treating me like a convenient dick which disgusted me and she left after an hour because I rightfully couldn't stay hard in that threatening environment.

I turned off the hottest women I've ever met this month on our dates despite them showing up with intention to fuck.

Haven't been to the gym in a month and self-conscious about not being as jacked anymore.

A close friend of years who I confided in deeply ended our friendship over a minor disagreement which means I overestimated how close we were.

I seem to be unable to connect emotionally with others without intentionally trying hard at it and still coming up short because I'm performing what I don't have. Well-adjusted women can sense this but can't describe it. Hot women will act almost immediately on it.

I'm waking up every day with a high persistent baseline of anxiety that even supplements are barely lessening.

The only consolation prize which doesn't resonate emotionally is I have 500k in the bank, can probably get into a relationship with a mid-looking autistic or avoidant girl or maybe a cute BPD girl and have a bunch of meaningless sex with women I wouldn't want relationships with while still having issues with being my authentic self in the dynamic.

For context, I usually actively choose not to have girl friends since my 20's. By this I don't mean girl acquaintances, or girls I stay in touch with who happen to be in a friend group, or speading vibes in a social setting to everyone. I just mean as a regular close friend. It just doesn't seem to add value to my life. They either catch feelings or vice versa and it's this ping pong of validation and extra mental consideration that I find to be a liability, along with the added tension around staying friends while in a relationship.

So anyways. This girl. We made out after the first date and she's super flirty but her energy was just super anxious, traumatized, and guarded, and I also wasn't toxicly masculine enough to break through that.

I'm dominant but with crazier girls, as fucked as it sounds, just from all the friends I know in these situations and my own experiences, they respond to intensity that borders on creepy to the average person because it's so intense that it gets them out of their heads.

I was reluctant to meet her again given how the vibes were and how it felt like pulling teeth where it's like there was this tug of war between us to want to lead. Like imagine both of us calling each other weird yet still somehow continuing to entertain the interaction lmao.

We had an argument and I got annoyed, so I logicalzoned the vibes and by making that decision I basically friendzoned her and ruined the chances of whatever was left there. We both opened up more about our issues and like shit we're working through and as I said before, this is the ultimately vibe killer for relationships and early sex from my experience.

But somehow, the emotional safety vibes between us made me super incredibly horny about her. What's happening here?

It's like I've been conditioned for dominance based on my successful interactions with women, yet my body seems to react better to what works AGAINST it...