u/sisdom-weeker

From his 2021 speech at the Central Economic Work Conference (translated)

"We cannot engage in "welfarism". When some Latin American countries engaged in populism, the high welfare there support a number of "lazy people" and many who do not work yet still get paid, the result is that the country's finances are overwhelmed, falling into the "middle-income trap", and failed to pull themselves out in the long run. Welfare benefits, once went up, will not come down. Engage in "welfarism" beyond capacity is not sustainable, will certainly bring serious economic and political problems! We must insist on doing our best and living within our means, focusing on improving the level of public services, providing basic public services precisely in the areas of education, medical care, pensions, housing and other areas of greatest concern to the people, and holding the bottom line of basic living for the needy, without hanging high appetites or making empty promises."

He is correct in that yes those areas should be improved, and I think most socialists would agree that welfare should be a transitional stage of socialism and not the end goal, but shitting on welfare recipients as lazy and blaming them for the economy crashing is the most Thatcherite/Reaganite thing you can say

As a libertarian communist/socialist it pisses me off that people simp for a regime that likes billionaires more than the unemployed

Reminder as some of Farage's support collapses and the tories under Badenoch make a comeback, that functionally they are the same party belief wise, the only difference being the tone they use

Fuck the tories forever and always

Thought it'd be interesting to see what people's thoughts are on stuff they like from their least favourite pokemon games, and stuff they dislike from their favourite games

Can be literally anything, whether it's an individual pokemon, a specific character, a one and done game mechanic, just as long as it's about that game.

For me, my favourite game in the series is Platinum, but I think Sinnoh's navigation is awful. The region itself is still my favourite to actually explore but the overreliance on HMs really damages teambuilding and forces you to run moves like Rock Smash late in the game, and it has one of the worst victory roads out of any region as a result. I will concede this isn't a platinum specific thing as this was exactly the same in Diamond and Pearl, but I genuinely can't think of anything I dislike about Sinnoh that either Platinum didn't fix (or at least improve) or is present in every sinnoh game

My least favourite game is Let's Go Pikachu and Eevee, but I think the concept of Master Trainers is actually quite a fun idea

I wish I had the same selective memory problems as this woman

The context of what happened is that my friend and I had a falling out last week. I happened to be going through a very rough patch and they were aware of this, but I let my emotions get the better of me and acted pretty shoddily towards them. I felt bad about it, and spiralled because I didn’t want to lose my friendship, and tried to fix things while in a very crazy and irrational mindset, which made things even worse than they were. I apologised the next day as profusely as I could for acting irrationally and offered to make it up in any way I can, but the apology was not accepted.

I have taken several steps in the last few days to try and improve my mental well being while I wait for either my friend to forgive me or for my brain to just move on, and to prevent myself from ever acting out again. I have reached out to people I’ve not spent much time with in a while, I’ve opened up to family members about my mental health problems in a way that I should have done years ago, I’ve booked an appointment with a GP, I’ve told some friends what’s been going on, I went to a crisis cafe this weekend just to talk to someone new and get support, etc etc. I’ve done a lot in the immediate aftermath to try and fix everything or at least as much as possible. The problem is I still don’t feel remotely better overall.

I’m still capable of having nice moments or even nice days but I still feel profoundly guilty about our falling out and it feels like unless this is resolved nothing can be fixed, but my friend has expressed absolutely no interest in forgiving me or letting me make amends. I am still waking up every day feeling fucking awful about our falling out and letting my irrationality stand in the way of our friendship. I know it has only been less than a week and that “it will pass” but every morning has been a struggle since and it has only added to my already poor mental health problems.

A bit of unnecessary context: I have recently started a Substack. It is public and people know who runs it, and the reason I am writing on here is because I initially was planning to write about this on my Substack however a lot of people know that I have one and I’m not sure if I’m ready myself to be brave enough to pour this out in the world yet

More general context: I’m 24 years old, neurodivergent and a cisgendered male in the UK

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a condition I have suffered from for as long as I remember, however I’ve only in the last 4 years become aware of the name of the condition. For those who don’t know, it is a mental health condition linked to autism (which I am diagnosed with) and, more commonly, ADHD (which I am not diagnosed with but I heavily suspect I have). The way it works is it heightens feelings of emotional pain under the perception of rejection, whether platonic, romantic, or even professional, with the key word being “perception”. Your brain will pick up on random patterns that may, or may not, exist and use them to come to the conclusion that people hate you.

In my case it’s mostly a platonic thing. I’m for the most part completely fine romantically, I am currently single and have been for about a year and a half now, but I’ve gone on the odd date etc and I’m not in any hurry to be in another relationship right now, it would be nice but I don’t feel the need for romantic security or at least not as strongly. When it happens, it happens. However, it’s a completely different story when managing relationships with my friends.

Here’s a rough timeline of some friendship based traumas I have experienced:

Aged 7: my friend came into primary school one day and faked being suicidal in front of me to illicit a response out of me. When I burst into tears and screamed for help the teachers told me off and he laughed in my face.
Aged 11-16: repeatedly bullied in secondary school for being neurodivergent including by some kids who had attempted to befriend me to learn more about me to make fun of
Aged 12-13: not feeling very liked at school and only having a small social group (who I am actually still friends with most today), I join an online fandom community and get extremely heavily involved in the fandom of my favourite internet show of the time, moderating various wikis and helping organize events. Everyone else in the fandom is significantly older and more mature than me, and my best friend in the group becomes a 21 year old lesbian in America (mentioning her sexuality not because I care, but just so people know, she did absolutely nothing inappropriate despite knowing how young I was), because she’s the only person who understands how fucking terrible my school life is and regularly expresses empathy for me, all while I barely see it as abnormal
Aged 14: I start going to a drama school every weekend, I’m one of the only guys in the group and on one of the first days there I get kissed by an older member, aged 18 years old. I only last year processed how unhealthy this was and how it might have impacted how I view people
Aged 15-17: I make friends with a new member of the circle in my drama group and am used as an emotional punching bag. She comes to me to complain about every single one of her problems, physically assaults me a couple of times, and is generally very unpleasant however decides that the two of us are best friends. One day I find out that behind my back she has told another friend she doesn’t like me and I have an argument with her
Aged 17: after inactivity happening in the online community, i go back and try and see what has happened with people since I left, and the very last thing I find out that my 21 year old lesbian friend from back in the day had died. Still no idea how she died, she had both physical and mental health problems, and I’d rather not know. I just found an obituary online and that is all I know. RIP to the first person to show empathy to me and what was going on at school, you are missed to this day and I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you in person one day to thank you for helping me, and that life had been cut short for you
Aged 18: Covid happens, I formally cut ties with my best friend mentioned before. A fair few of my friends all go separate ways for university and the UK is forced into lockdown. I am as a result very lonely. I also have to deal with a bunch of other trauma in the same year (various pets falling ill and dying, and a hate crime incident)
Aged 18-19: I’m forced to repeat my first year of university because of covid/mental health/the hate crime incident occupying too much of my mind
Aged 19-20: when “restarting” first year I become friends with a new group of people who are initially very welcoming but are not prepared for how mentally unwell I still am. In my second year I let slip that I’m beginning to feel suicidal and they abandon me. I am left friendless at university as a result
Aged 21: I’ve now joined a university society to make more friends because the ones on my course suck. This basically works and I’m still friends/on good terms with basically everyone there. I also enter a long distance relationship with a girl halfway across the country because I’m so lonely, and she ends up taking my virginity and we date for a year. I also start doing freelance entertainment work around this time, most of it in London, where I don’t live. I make friends over the next 3 years doing it but I very rarely get to see them outside of these events as I do not live near them
Aged 22: I finally graduate, with only 3 people I consider friends on my very big course and most of my friends still in this society I had joined. Things between me and my girlfriend are strained as I’m struggling to manage the relationship with my mental health, job prospects, and my social life and this is exacerbated by the fact we are long distance. We break up on Christmas Eve 2024 and try and maintain a friendship afterwards
Aged 23: I become so depressed I barely leave the house and get very little sleep. I also don’t socialize too much outside of my freelance work in the evenings and my ex girlfriend becomes erratic and mentally unstable and I make it my responsibility to try and be there for her, facing abuse almost every evening as a result. This continues up until November
Aged 24: I finally meet a person who I understand and develop a real friendship with them. However, I’m so broken from everything that I’m struggling to balance my RSD with my friendship

This is a timeline of nearly every terrible thing to have happened that I think might impact why RSD affects me so strongly. I cannot tell when people are actually angry with me or when they are just busy/preoccupied with something else/joking. My heart dies a little inside whenever people leave me on read. I will sometimes sulk for days when I feel like people have been ignoring me. When I do actually upset people no matter how serious or trivial I’ll beat myself up until I’m incapable of thinking about anything else. I constantly tell myself that everyone close to me hates me and I just don’t know how to get over it even when there is a rational explanation.

A bit of unnecessary context: I have recently started a Substack. It is public and people know who runs it, and the reason I am writing on here is because I initially was planning to write about this on my Substack however a lot of people know that I have one and I’m not sure if I’m ready myself to be brave enough to pour this out in the world yet

More general context: I’m 24 years old, neurodivergent and a cisgendered male in the UK

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a condition I have suffered from for as long as I remember, however I’ve only in the last 4 years become aware of the name of the condition. For those who don’t know, it is a mental health condition linked to autism (which I am diagnosed with) and, more commonly, ADHD (which I am not diagnosed with but I heavily suspect I have). The way it works is it heightens feelings of emotional pain under the perception of rejection, whether platonic, romantic, or even professional, with the key word being “perception”. Your brain will pick up on random patterns that may, or may not, exist and use them to come to the conclusion that people hate you.

In my case it’s mostly a platonic thing. I’m for the most part completely fine romantically, I am currently single and have been for about a year and a half now, but I’ve gone on the odd date etc and I’m not in any hurry to be in another relationship right now, it would be nice but I don’t feel the need for romantic security or at least not as strongly. When it happens, it happens. However, it’s a completely different story when managing relationships with my friends.

Here’s a rough timeline of some friendship based traumas I have experienced:

Aged 7: my friend came into primary school one day and faked being suicidal in front of me to illicit a response out of me. When I burst into tears and screamed for help the teachers told me off and he laughed in my face.
Aged 11-16: repeatedly bullied in secondary school for being neurodivergent including by some kids who had attempted to befriend me to learn more about me to make fun of
Aged 12-13: not feeling very liked at school and only having a small social group (who I am actually still friends with most today), I join an online fandom community and get extremely heavily involved in the fandom of my favourite internet show of the time, moderating various wikis and helping organize events. Everyone else in the fandom is significantly older and more mature than me, and my best friend in the group becomes a 21 year old lesbian in America (mentioning her sexuality not because I care, but just so people know, she did absolutely nothing inappropriate despite knowing how young I was), because she’s the only person who understands how fucking terrible my school life is and regularly expresses empathy for me, all while I barely see it as abnormal
Aged 14: I start going to a drama school every weekend, I’m one of the only guys in the group and on one of the first days there I get kissed by an older member, aged 18 years old. I only last year processed how unhealthy this was and how it might have impacted how I view people
Aged 15-17: I make friends with a new member of the circle in my drama group and am used as an emotional punching bag. She comes to me to complain about every single one of her problems, physically assaults me a couple of times, and is generally very unpleasant however decides that the two of us are best friends. One day I find out that behind my back she has told another friend she doesn’t like me and I have an argument with her
Aged 17: after inactivity happening in the online community, i go back and try and see what has happened with people since I left, and the very last thing I find out that my 21 year old lesbian friend from back in the day had died. Still no idea how she died, she had both physical and mental health problems, and I’d rather not know. I just found an obituary online and that is all I know. RIP to the first person to show empathy to me and what was going on at school, you are missed to this day and I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you in person one day to thank you for helping me, and that life had been cut short for you
Aged 18: Covid happens, I formally cut ties with my best friend mentioned before. A fair few of my friends all go separate ways for university and the UK is forced into lockdown. I am as a result very lonely. I also have to deal with a bunch of other trauma in the same year (various pets falling ill and dying, and a hate crime incident)
Aged 18-19: I’m forced to repeat my first year of university because of covid/mental health/the hate crime incident occupying too much of my mind
Aged 19-20: when “restarting” first year I become friends with a new group of people who are initially very welcoming but are not prepared for how mentally unwell I still am. In my second year I let slip that I’m beginning to feel suicidal and they abandon me. I am left friendless at university as a result
Aged 21: I’ve now joined a university society to make more friends because the ones on my course suck. This basically works and I’m still friends/on good terms with basically everyone there. I also enter a long distance relationship with a girl halfway across the country because I’m so lonely, and she ends up taking my virginity and we date for a year. I also start doing freelance entertainment work around this time, most of it in London, where I don’t live. I make friends over the next 3 years doing it but I very rarely get to see them outside of these events as I do not live near them
Aged 22: I finally graduate, with only 3 people I consider friends on my very big course and most of my friends still in this society I had joined. Things between me and my girlfriend are strained as I’m struggling to manage the relationship with my mental health, job prospects, and my social life and this is exacerbated by the fact we are long distance. We break up on Christmas Eve 2024 and try and maintain a friendship afterwards
Aged 23: I become so depressed I barely leave the house and get very little sleep. I also don’t socialize too much outside of my freelance work in the evenings and my ex girlfriend becomes erratic and mentally unstable and I make it my responsibility to try and be there for her, facing abuse almost every evening as a result. This continues up until November
Aged 24: I finally meet a person who I understand and develop a real friendship with them. However, I’m so broken from everything that I’m struggling to balance my RSD with my friendship

This is a timeline of nearly every terrible thing to have happened that I think might impact why RSD affects me so strongly. I cannot tell when people are actually angry with me or when they are just busy/preoccupied with something else/joking. My heart dies a little inside whenever people leave me on read. I will sometimes sulk for days when I feel like people have been ignoring me. When I do actually upset people no matter how serious or trivial I’ll beat myself up until I’m incapable of thinking about anything else. I constantly tell myself that everyone close to me hates me and I just don’t know how to get over it even when there is a rational explanation.

A bit of unnecessary context: I have recently started a Substack. It is public and people know who runs it, and the reason I am writing on here is because I initially was planning to write about this on my Substack however a lot of people know that I have one and I’m not sure if I’m ready myself to be brave enough to pour this out in the world yet

More general context: I’m 24 years old, neurodivergent and a cisgendered male in the UK

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a condition I have suffered from for as long as I remember, however I’ve only in the last 4 years become aware of the name of the condition. For those who don’t know, it is a mental health condition linked to autism (which I am diagnosed with) and, more commonly, ADHD (which I am not diagnosed with but I heavily suspect I have). The way it works is it heightens feelings of emotional pain under the perception of rejection, whether platonic, romantic, or even professional, with the key word being “perception”. Your brain will pick up on random patterns that may, or may not, exist and use them to come to the conclusion that people hate you.

In my case it’s mostly a platonic thing. I’m for the most part completely fine romantically, I am currently single and have been for about a year and a half now, but I’ve gone on the odd date etc and I’m not in any hurry to be in another relationship right now, it would be nice but I don’t feel the need for romantic security or at least not as strongly. When it happens, it happens. However, it’s a completely different story when managing relationships with my friends.

Here’s a rough timeline of some friendship based traumas I have experienced:

Aged 7: my friend came into primary school one day and faked being suicidal in front of me to illicit a response out of me. When I burst into tears and screamed for help the teachers told me off and he laughed in my face.
Aged 11-16: repeatedly bullied in secondary school for being neurodivergent including by some kids who had attempted to befriend me to learn more about me to make fun of
Aged 12-13: not feeling very liked at school and only having a small social group (who I am actually still friends with most today), I join an online fandom community and get extremely heavily involved in the fandom of my favourite internet show of the time, moderating various wikis and helping organize events. Everyone else in the fandom is significantly older and more mature than me, and my best friend in the group becomes a 21 year old lesbian in America (mentioning her sexuality not because I care, but just so people know, she did absolutely nothing inappropriate despite knowing how young I was), because she’s the only person who understands how fucking terrible my school life is and regularly expresses empathy for me, all while I barely see it as abnormal
Aged 14: I start going to a drama school every weekend, I’m one of the only guys in the group and on one of the first days there I get kissed by an older member, aged 18 years old. I only last year processed how unhealthy this was and how it might have impacted how I view people
Aged 15-17: I make friends with a new member of the circle in my drama group and am used as an emotional punching bag. She comes to me to complain about every single one of her problems, physically assaults me a couple of times, and is generally very unpleasant however decides that the two of us are best friends. One day I find out that behind my back she has told another friend she doesn’t like me and I have an argument with her
Aged 17: after inactivity happening in the online community, i go back and try and see what has happened with people since I left, and the very last thing I find out that my 21 year old lesbian friend from back in the day had died. Still no idea how she died, she had both physical and mental health problems, and I’d rather not know. I just found an obituary online and that is all I know. RIP to the first person to show empathy to me and what was going on at school, you are missed to this day and I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you in person one day to thank you for helping me, and that life had been cut short for you
Aged 18: Covid happens, I formally cut ties with my best friend mentioned before. A fair few of my friends all go separate ways for university and the UK is forced into lockdown. I am as a result very lonely. I also have to deal with a bunch of other trauma in the same year (various pets falling ill and dying, and a hate crime incident)
Aged 18-19: I’m forced to repeat my first year of university because of covid/mental health/the hate crime incident occupying too much of my mind
Aged 19-20: when “restarting” first year I become friends with a new group of people who are initially very welcoming but are not prepared for how mentally unwell I still am. In my second year I let slip that I’m beginning to feel suicidal and they abandon me. I am left friendless at university as a result
Aged 21: I’ve now joined a university society to make more friends because the ones on my course suck. This basically works and I’m still friends/on good terms with basically everyone there. I also enter a long distance relationship with a girl halfway across the country because I’m so lonely, and she ends up taking my virginity and we date for a year. I also start doing freelance entertainment work around this time, most of it in London, where I don’t live. I make friends over the next 3 years doing it but I very rarely get to see them outside of these events as I do not live near them
Aged 22: I finally graduate, with only 3 people I consider friends on my very big course and most of my friends still in this society I had joined. Things between me and my girlfriend are strained as I’m struggling to manage the relationship with my mental health, job prospects, and my social life and this is exacerbated by the fact we are long distance. We break up on Christmas Eve 2024 and try and maintain a friendship afterwards
Aged 23: I become so depressed I barely leave the house and get very little sleep. I also don’t socialize too much outside of my freelance work in the evenings and my ex girlfriend becomes erratic and mentally unstable and I make it my responsibility to try and be there for her, facing abuse almost every evening as a result. This continues up until November
Aged 24: I finally meet a person who I understand and develop a real friendship with them. However, I’m so broken from everything that I’m struggling to balance my RSD with my friendship

This is a timeline of nearly every terrible thing to have happened that I think might impact why RSD affects me so strongly. I cannot tell when people are actually angry with me or when they are just busy/preoccupied with something else/joking. My heart dies a little inside whenever people leave me on read. I will sometimes sulk for days when I feel like people have been ignoring me. When I do actually upset people no matter how serious or trivial I’ll beat myself up until I’m incapable of thinking about anything else. I constantly tell myself that everyone close to me hates me and I just don’t know how to get over it even when there is a rational explanation.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is ruining my life

A bit of unnecessary context: I have recently started a Substack. It is public and people know who runs it, and the reason I am writing on here is because I initially was planning to write about this on my Substack however a lot of people know that I have one and I’m not sure if I’m ready myself to be brave enough to pour this out in the world yet

More general context: I’m 24 years old, neurodivergent and a cisgendered male in the UK

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a condition I have suffered from for as long as I remember, however I’ve only in the last 4 years become aware of the name of the condition. For those who don’t know, it is a mental health condition linked to autism (which I am diagnosed with) and, more commonly, ADHD (which I am not diagnosed with but I heavily suspect I have). The way it works is it heightens feelings of emotional pain under the perception of rejection, whether platonic, romantic, or even professional, with the key word being “perception”. Your brain will pick up on random patterns that may, or may not, exist and use them to come to the conclusion that people hate you.

In my case it’s mostly a platonic thing. I’m for the most part completely fine romantically, I am currently single and have been for about a year and a half now, but I’ve gone on the odd date etc and I’m not in any hurry to be in another relationship right now, it would be nice but I don’t feel the need for romantic security or at least not as strongly. When it happens, it happens. However, it’s a completely different story when managing relationships with my friends.

Here’s a rough timeline of some friendship based traumas I have experienced:

Aged 7: my friend came into primary school one day and faked being suicidal in front of me to illicit a response out of me. When I burst into tears and screamed for help the teachers told me off and he laughed in my face.
Aged 11-16: repeatedly bullied in secondary school for being neurodivergent including by some kids who had attempted to befriend me to learn more about me to make fun of
Aged 12-13: not feeling very liked at school and only having a small social group (who I am actually still friends with most today), I join an online fandom community and get extremely heavily involved in the fandom of my favourite internet show of the time, moderating various wikis and helping organize events. Everyone else in the fandom is significantly older and more mature than me, and my best friend in the group becomes a 21 year old lesbian in America (mentioning her sexuality not because I care, but just so people know, she did absolutely nothing inappropriate despite knowing how young I was), because she’s the only person who understands how fucking terrible my school life is and regularly expresses empathy for me, all while I barely see it as abnormal
Aged 14: I start going to a drama school every weekend, I’m one of the only guys in the group and on one of the first days there I get kissed by an older member, aged 18 years old. I only last year processed how unhealthy this was and how it might have impacted how I view people
Aged 15-17: I make friends with a new member of the circle in my drama group and am used as an emotional punching bag. She comes to me to complain about every single one of her problems, physically assaults me a couple of times, and is generally very unpleasant however decides that the two of us are best friends. One day I find out that behind my back she has told another friend she doesn’t like me and I have an argument with her
Aged 17: after inactivity happening in the online community, i go back and try and see what has happened with people since I left, and the very last thing I find out that my 21 year old lesbian friend from back in the day had died. Still no idea how she died, she had both physical and mental health problems, and I’d rather not know. I just found an obituary online and that is all I know. RIP to the first person to show empathy to me and what was going on at school, you are missed to this day and I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you in person one day to thank you for helping me, and that life had been cut short for you
Aged 18: Covid happens, I formally cut ties with my best friend mentioned before. A fair few of my friends all go separate ways for university and the UK is forced into lockdown. I am as a result very lonely. I also have to deal with a bunch of other trauma in the same year (various pets falling ill and dying, and a hate crime incident)
Aged 18-19: I’m forced to repeat my first year of university because of covid/mental health/the hate crime incident occupying too much of my mind
Aged 19-20: when “restarting” first year I become friends with a new group of people who are initially very welcoming but are not prepared for how mentally unwell I still am. In my second year I let slip that I’m beginning to feel suicidal and they abandon me. I am left friendless at university as a result
Aged 21: I’ve now joined a university society to make more friends because the ones on my course suck. This basically works and I’m still friends/on good terms with basically everyone there. I also enter a long distance relationship with a girl halfway across the country because I’m so lonely, and she ends up taking my virginity and we date for a year. I also start doing freelance entertainment work around this time, most of it in London, where I don’t live. I make friends over the next 3 years doing it but I very rarely get to see them outside of these events as I do not live near them
Aged 22: I finally graduate, with only 3 people I consider friends on my very big course and most of my friends still in this society I had joined. Things between me and my girlfriend are strained as I’m struggling to manage the relationship with my mental health, job prospects, and my social life and this is exacerbated by the fact we are long distance. We break up on Christmas Eve 2024 and try and maintain a friendship afterwards
Aged 23: I become so depressed I barely leave the house and get very little sleep. I also don’t socialize too much outside of my freelance work in the evenings and my ex girlfriend becomes erratic and mentally unstable and I make it my responsibility to try and be there for her, facing abuse almost every evening as a result. This continues up until November
Aged 24: I finally meet a person who I understand and develop a real friendship with them. However, I’m so broken from everything that I’m struggling to balance my RSD with my friendship

This is a timeline of nearly every terrible thing to have happened that I think might impact why RSD affects me so strongly. I cannot tell when people are actually angry with me or when they are just busy/preoccupied with something else/joking. My heart dies a little inside whenever people leave me on read. I will sometimes sulk for days when I feel like people have been ignoring me. When I do actually upset people no matter how serious or trivial I’ll beat myself up until I’m incapable of thinking about anything else. I constantly tell myself that everyone close to me hates me and I just don’t know how to get over it even when there is a rational explanation.

A bit of unnecessary context: I have recently started a Substack. It is public and people know who runs it, and the reason I am writing on here is because I initially was planning to write about this on my Substack however a lot of people know that I have one and I’m not sure if I’m ready myself to be brave enough to pour this out in the world yet

More general context: I’m 24 years old, neurodivergent and a cisgendered male in the UK

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a condition I have suffered from for as long as I remember, however I’ve only in the last 4 years become aware of the name of the condition. For those who don’t know, it is a mental health condition linked to autism (which I am diagnosed with) and, more commonly, ADHD (which I am not diagnosed with but I heavily suspect I have). The way it works is it heightens feelings of emotional pain under the perception of rejection, whether platonic, romantic, or even professional, with the key word being “perception”. Your brain will pick up on random patterns that may, or may not, exist and use them to come to the conclusion that people hate you.

In my case it’s mostly a platonic thing. I’m for the most part completely fine romantically, I am currently single and have been for about a year and a half now, but I’ve gone on the odd date etc and I’m not in any hurry to be in another relationship right now, it would be nice but I don’t feel the need for romantic security or at least not as strongly. When it happens, it happens. However, it’s a completely different story when managing relationships with my friends.

Here’s a rough timeline of some friendship based traumas I have experienced:

Aged 7: my friend came into primary school one day and faked being suicidal in front of me to illicit a response out of me. When I burst into tears and screamed for help the teachers told me off and he laughed in my face.
Aged 11-16: repeatedly bullied in secondary school for being neurodivergent including by some kids who had attempted to befriend me to learn more about me to make fun of
Aged 12-13: not feeling very liked at school and only having a small social group (who I am actually still friends with most today), I join an online fandom community and get extremely heavily involved in the fandom of my favourite internet show of the time, moderating various wikis and helping organize events. Everyone else in the fandom is significantly older and more mature than me, and my best friend in the group becomes a 21 year old lesbian in America (mentioning her sexuality not because I care, but just so people know, she did absolutely nothing inappropriate despite knowing how young I was), because she’s the only person who understands how fucking terrible my school life is and regularly expresses empathy for me, all while I barely see it as abnormal
Aged 14: I start going to a drama school every weekend, I’m one of the only guys in the group and on one of the first days there I get kissed by an older member, aged 18 years old. I only last year processed how unhealthy this was and how it might have impacted how I view people
Aged 15-17: I make friends with a new member of the circle in my drama group and am used as an emotional punching bag. She comes to me to complain about every single one of her problems, physically assaults me a couple of times, and is generally very unpleasant however decides that the two of us are best friends. One day I find out that behind my back she has told another friend she doesn’t like me and I have an argument with her
Aged 17: after inactivity happening in the online community, i go back and try and see what has happened with people since I left, and the very last thing I find out that my 21 year old lesbian friend from back in the day had died. Still no idea how she died, she had both physical and mental health problems, and I’d rather not know. I just found an obituary online and that is all I know. RIP to the first person to show empathy to me and what was going on at school, you are missed to this day and I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you in person one day to thank you for helping me, and that life had been cut short for you
Aged 18: Covid happens, I formally cut ties with my best friend mentioned before. A fair few of my friends all go separate ways for university and the UK is forced into lockdown. I am as a result very lonely. I also have to deal with a bunch of other trauma in the same year (various pets falling ill and dying, and a hate crime incident)
Aged 18-19: I’m forced to repeat my first year of university because of covid/mental health/the hate crime incident occupying too much of my mind
Aged 19-20: when “restarting” first year I become friends with a new group of people who are initially very welcoming but are not prepared for how mentally unwell I still am. In my second year I let slip that I’m beginning to feel suicidal and they abandon me. I am left friendless at university as a result
Aged 21: I’ve now joined a university society to make more friends because the ones on my course suck. This basically works and I’m still friends/on good terms with basically everyone there. I also enter a long distance relationship with a girl halfway across the country because I’m so lonely, and she ends up taking my virginity and we date for a year. I also start doing freelance entertainment work around this time, most of it in London, where I don’t live. I make friends over the next 3 years doing it but I very rarely get to see them outside of these events as I do not live near them
Aged 22: I finally graduate, with only 3 people I consider friends on my very big course and most of my friends still in this society I had joined. Things between me and my girlfriend are strained as I’m struggling to manage the relationship with my mental health, job prospects, and my social life and this is exacerbated by the fact we are long distance. We break up on Christmas Eve 2024 and try and maintain a friendship afterwards
Aged 23: I become so depressed I barely leave the house and get very little sleep. I also don’t socialize too much outside of my freelance work in the evenings and my ex girlfriend becomes erratic and mentally unstable and I make it my responsibility to try and be there for her, facing abuse almost every evening as a result. This continues up until November
Aged 24: I finally meet a person who I understand and develop a real friendship with them. However, I’m so broken from everything that I’m struggling to balance my RSD with my friendship

This is a timeline of nearly every terrible thing to have happened that I think might impact why RSD affects me so strongly. I cannot tell when people are actually angry with me or when they are just busy/preoccupied with something else/joking. My heart dies a little inside whenever people leave me on read. I will sometimes sulk for days when I feel like people have been ignoring me. When I do actually upset people no matter how serious or trivial I’ll beat myself up until I’m incapable of thinking about anything else. I constantly tell myself that everyone close to me hates me and I just don’t know how to get over it even when there is a rational explanation.

Edit: yes it’s silly early 20’s drama. I know it’s low stakes nonsense. I also however care deeply about one of the people involved here

TL:DR: I told a girl I barely know that I was sorry to hear about her breakup, she didn’t even know he was planning to stop seeing her

For context: here is everyone involved in the story:
Me
Bethany (my friend)
Shaun (Bethany’s friend)
Carla (a girl Shaun has been dating)

I’m friends with all 3 people involved in this story to some extent, but Bethany and I hang out quite frequently and I don’t really know Shaun and Carla that well, but they both frequent some regular events that Bethany and I go to. Long story short, the two got to chatting and eventually started going on dates, which I thought was great.

Earlier this week, while catching up with Bethany, I asked her how Shaun and Carla were doing and I got told that “oh they are no longer together, they realized it was mutually platonic”. Which is a shame, I thought. Didn’t really think much more of it after that.

Today, Carla was at an event that neither Bethany nor Shaun were at for once, which is very rare. I spoke to her at one point and I very quickly said, without thinking “oh I’m sorry to hear you two haven’t worked out”, or something along those lines, I don’t remember the exact sentence I said or how I phrased it. To which Carla responded with confusion. I immediately put two and two together and figure out that Shaun has no intention of seeing Carla anymore, but Carla has been ghosted and ignored.

Carla presses me for details and I kinda don’t want to tell her the truth because it would implicate Bethany for telling me, and Bethany is a very important friend to me. So I panic and I say “well, I don’t know for sure what happened. It was people gossiping and spreading rumours, because you didn’t show up with him to this event that you normally do together so people put two and two together”, basically making it sound like I didn’t know for sure what was happening and so I could also make sure Bethany isn’t directly implicated. I ended up giving her the advice to just wait and hear from him (my understanding from both of them is they aren’t seriously dating and it was never relationship stage/talk every day but just the odd date) and get confirmation for sure, just in case I’m wrong. I played dumb in order to make sure Bethany didn’t have to deal with me having a big gob.

I don’t really care what happens to Shaun too much to be honest, I get along with him well enough but we are not super close, outside of occasional Instagram messages we basically only socialize at these events. He shouldn’t have ghosted her and should have just told her “I’m not interested in you, sorry”. So I’m not really too fussed about that. What I do care about is my friendship with Bethany, who told me this. I assumed based on what she told me that it was maybe public knowledge, and I lied afterwards about what I was told so that she wasn’t directly implicated, as, from my point of view, she’s done nothing wrong as all she’s done is tell me something that’s happened to a mutual friend and shouldn’t be punished because Shaun is a coward.

What I think will possibly happen is:

Carla will ask Shaun what’s going on
Shaun will figure out that Bethany has told either me or her and tell her not to tell people things
Bethany will be annoyed at me for telling Carla

I fucked up here but my question is: is it for the greater good that Carla knows this, will my friendship with Bethany be alright and did I manage to unfuck myself enough with my cover story of “oh we just weren’t sure bc you didn’t show up”

TL:DR: I told a girl I barely know that I was sorry to hear about her breakup, she didn’t even know he was planning to stop seeing her

For context: here is everyone involved in the story:
Me
B (my friend)
S (B’s friend)
C (girl S has been dating)

I’m friends with all 3 people involved in this story to some extent, but B and I hang out quite frequently and I don’t really know S and C that well, but they both frequent some regular events that B and I go to. Long story short, the two got to chatting and eventually started going on dates, which I thought was great.

Earlier this week, while catching up with B, I asked her how S and C were doing and I got told that “oh they are no longer together, they realized it was mutually platonic”. Which is a shame, I thought. Didn’t really think much more of it after that.

Today, C was at an event that neither B nor S were at for once, which is very rare. I spoke to her at one point and I very quickly said, without thinking “oh I’m sorry to hear you two haven’t worked out”, or something along those lines, I don’t remember the exact sentence I said or how I phrased it. To which C responded with confusion. I immediately put two and two together and figure out that B has no intention of seeing C anymore, but C has been ghosted and ignored.

C presses me for details and I kinda don’t want to tell her the truth because it would implicate B, who is a very important friend to me. So I panic and I say “well, I don’t know for sure what happened. It was people gossiping and spreading rumours, because you didn’t show up with him to this event that you normally do together so people put two and two together”, basically making it sound like I didn’t know for sure what was happening. I ended up giving her the advice to just wait and hear from him (my understanding from both of them is they aren’t seriously dating and it was never relationship stage/talk every day but just the odd date).

I don’t really care what happens to S too much to be honest, I get along with him well enough but we are not super close, outside of occasional Instagram messages we basically only socialize at these events. He shouldn’t have ghosted her and should have just told her “I’m not interested in you, sorry”. What I do care about is my friendship with B, who told me this. I assumed based on what she told me that it was maybe public knowledge, and I lied afterwards about what I was told so that she wasn’t directly implicated, as, from my point of view, she’s done nothing wrong and shouldn’t be punished because S is a coward.

What I think will possibly happen is:

C will ask S what’s going on
S will figure out that B has told either me or her and tell her not to tell people things
B will be annoyed at me for telling C

I fucked up here but my question is: is it for the greater good that C knows this, will my friendship with B be alright and did I manage to unfuck myself enough with my cover story of “oh we just weren’t sure bc you didn’t show up”