u/sourpatchkidz22

i have been working at scooters for less than 4 days and i was one franke and window by myself for the most part already . i don’t know if it’s just bc my store is kinda short staffed but i just feel like i’ve been thrown to the wolves. i feel i am doing a pretty good job though and i do much better learning as i go . i am just shocked bc in past jobs i’ve had they were practically holding my hand through things for at least the first 3 shifts but 2nd day i was working window whole time and today got a quick run through of franke and doing it myself? i did some of the online things in store my first day and been doing the rest at home . i saw the little training binder and it’s totally different than what ive been doing lol.. not complaining i like this way more but i was just suprised bc from what ive seen on here i
thought it would be more guided .

also do we get paid the hours we’ve spent on scooter university courses???

my mom and sister both struggle and recently both had a near deadly lapse . friday my mom got drunk at a casino and fell into the pool there and was stumbling around and was very angry and ran across a four lane highway . yesterday my sister drank and got very angry and ran out the house on a four lane highway as well . they both almost
got hit and died . they black out completely when they drink and become different people. today my mom brought up antabuse and she and my sister are thinking about taking it which would give me so much relief…

note : antabuse is a medication that causes alcohol to have a bad reaction in the body which can decrease cravings ..

i think this may help them bc i feel like it can be that physical trigger which sense they’ve been drinking so long they don’t get anymore .

i just left the back rooms and i am a little disappointed but i liked it none the less . the moments where it was first person i absolutely loved it and the concept of the back rooms “ scanning “ the people who enter .

if you guys have ever read solaris by stanislaw lem this version of the backrooms really reminds me of the alien ocean . in the book the alien ocean uses the scientists memories to create a entity that represents someone significant from their past . this is different from the movie obviously but they relate in using the sort of “ MRI” brain mirroring concept playing off using the human consciousness by creating “ rooms” that act as the labyrinth of the mind .. just like in solaris where man tries to understand something like the backrooms that cannot be understood by the human mind forcing them to look within their own psyche . i think the backrooms is doing something very similar and it’s a very cool concept i just wish they portrayed it more and there was a lot more actually discovering the backrooms . good movie though 7/10.

i have been taking wellbutrin for 6 months now and i have noticed that sometimes caffeine makes me very anxious. however it is not all of time? it is weird bc it often happens when i have coffee and not energy drinks . i drink my energy drinks very slowly and it may be bc i drink coffee faster ? im not sure but it is aggravating sometimes bc it is hard for me to level myself back out after getting all of this nervous energy from coffee

i slept at one of the camps by the gold coast and got a message saying they woke up with dirt in the mouth and since then health keeps going down when i’m just walking around how do i reverse this ??

it only happens when im in the sun

i 23 f am noticing a pattern where i end up liking someone who makes me laugh and feel seen during times when i’m very depressed and are easy to talk to . i have been very sad lately and i have this one newer friend who has just been a light in my life an tho it was only sometimes just occasionally eating lunch together after class we have together or sitting with me in the library joking around with her has been the highlight of my semester of doom and sadness :( and i will miss her .

i just hate i keep developing crushes on people who are kind to me and are easy to talk to why can’t they just be my friend . i just hurt myself because ill overthink anything and the weightless interactions that once gave me comfort make me nervous bc i started liking them ..

she has done things like called me beautiful both both times not to my face but right when i begin walking away saying it loud enough so i’ll hear. then the other day tried to hold my hand while saying she missed me when saying hi to me in the library and then today i thought she was trying to dap me up and she was going for a hug and said good bye i love you and asked me when she’ll see me again her friend was there too i said love u guys idk her friend so that’s awkward fr whole interaction is haunting me genuinely and it’s all bc i started liking her and intimidated by her friend bc i think they like each other well that was likely the last time i’ll prob see her bc i won’t be on campus much or at all next semester… it feels like it’s all friendly possibly i truly don’t know and im confused. im pretty sure she likes a friend of hers

my mom has been struggling very badly the past few days and it is exhausting . i love her so much and i want her to be ok. so much of my worry is physical and i can’t ground myself . it’s aggravating bc even when the event is over and she’s depressed and is trying to get out of it and not actively running around drinking like she was a few days ago i feel it in my body nervous poos and stress.

i have even had the urge to try to drink myself even though i have no intention but i just want to escape and i know wit my family history it wouldn’t go well so i wont but ive thought about it . my friends just go out and drink to unwind and its something that easy for them to clear their mind and i wish i could do it without the fear of how it could ruin me . idk im just so exhausted mentally and i just need a break and it’s finals week at my college so that doesn’t help

my mom and sister both struggle and right now my mom has been having hard time past few days . i am so stressed lately bc of school and everything too and i have like bodily reactions. i feel so sick to my stomach and just keep having to go to the bathroom. i am trying so hard to ground myself i just feel like im floating around and just waiting to land it makes me sick and im trying so hard to ground myself . i have so many final projects to do and i can’t focus

my mom has most always been honest with me and last night she lied to me. we have each other on life360 and last night at around 1:30am she turned her location off i saw it bc i was awake playing video games. then i woke up later in the night at 5am and it said she turned it off again at 3am. i don’t know why but it has broke my heart . she knows i worry about her and how much i care about her. this was like a punishment for me caring so much and im tired and im mad . she just lied to me and said my phone is broken .. and i don’t know why she’d lie to me . i am scared that something happened or she has gone back down a dark path this happening brings me back to years ago when she was deep into her addiction and would do the same thing and it horrified me. i called her this morning and she answered she sounds fine i guess , but her location is still off . it’s weird but my heart is hearting so bad and i feel betrayed and that my worry and me caring doesn’t even matter and i got punished for worrying about her bc she’s hiding something from me .

i know there’s nothing i can do , but i wish i knew why it hurt so much. me and my mom have always had honesty and that has made it easier for me to heal and be ok after a lapse but her lying to me like this hurts me so bad especially bc she doesn’t do this she hasn’t done this sense it was really bad and it breaks my heart i don’t know if i can go through that bad patch of her addiction again i can’t do it again i thought she was getting better ….

my mom drank a lot tuesday and i was so scared and worried and i thought after that when she was throwing up horribly sick it’d be over but she’s still drinking the only time she sounds her self is in the morning then as the day goes on she’s different and slurring words and it breaks my heart bc i know she’s drinking and she keeps saying she’s not and i am not there so there’s nothing i can do.

i know it’s her choice but she’s always honest with me and it makes me have faith she will go back to being herself again and trying to not drink . it breaks my heart when she’s like this bc i miss my mom so much and there’s nothing i can do to bring her back

my mom drank a whole bottle of wine and one of those wine cooler things with her valium .. and she called and said stuff like me and my sister would be better without her i was in class when she called and wasn’t in class for the rest of the time . when i went back class was pretty much over and i got in my car and lost it im little better now but im so worried im in college and not by her and its scary ….

its not like it hasn’t happened before but never when im away :( she’s been having a really hard time my nana , her mom passed in december and she got alzheimer’s diagnosis, she’s been real down on her self and my dad makes it worse and tears her self esteem down and he did something to really hurt her and that caused her to go get the drinks . she believes the mean things he tells her and so when he says we’d be better without her she believes it . i wish he’d just be a dad and for my sake help her instead of tearing her down when she’s like this

my friend suddenly called me pretty one day then following that day would like almost anything i posted on my notes or stories and started talking to me more than before and then again today she said you’re so beautiful but both times she has said it right when i turn my head or walk away but loud enough so i hear it ? this kinda thing doesn’t happen to me a lot so it confuses me .

i don’t know it’s probably nothing but , i do enjoy hanging out with her a lot this just confuses me im so bad at reading signals we are more like class friends than like really close and we sometimes just go hang out in library after class and chat she’s really easy to talk to and i think i like her a little bit .

my mom, big sis , uncle and pops all struggle and i love them all dearly and i don’t blame them . i am so mad at my luck and how much addiction has cost me and how deeply it has impacted me and i feel jealous of people who don’t know the feeling and i feel envy and wish i could have the worries my friends have like boy problems, sorority drama etc . i feel wrong for being envious of their problems .

i just found my sister just relapsed and it’s so sad :(

i wish i just had the comfort in my mind to worry about boy problems, which isn’t the point but just that addiction has changed my brain forever and costed me years of my life and times of happiness.

it’s weird bc i don’t feel mad at the my family i feel mad at the disease for taking so much from them and us :(

I am graduating college soon and i’ve been playing since 6th grade it’s bitter sweet . I deal with everything through poetry so here’s one I wrote about my trumpet .

Letter to my trumpet ,

you with your tubes of brass

you with your dents and collection of dirt and grime.

you who i held on days when i couldn’t hold on.

you who gave me the greatest community i could ever ask for .

you who i played at funerals for family members lost, giving me a way to honor their memory in a way my words could not .

you who i fear for day i won’t pick you up again where you sit in a closet gathering dust until maybe the day a child of mine carries on your song .

Edit:

I do plan on trying to do a community band , this is just an ode to my years as a band student in middle , high school and college. As well as fears about if life gets in the way and I someday don’t play again . But believe me I plan on it !