u/spyracik

​

Hey, We lost our son in February at 38 weeks pregnant. We were never a family family, but I kept in contact with my mother and my grandma, who I respect.

My partner of almost 10 years, we found out we were expecting last June and I didn't tell my family up until I was 20 weeks. I really didn't want them to know, my partner did not understand, when he told his friends and colleagues and our friends prior, they were so happy for us and genuinely excited. His brother was so happy that his son will get a friend, my MIL just happy for us, you know? He did not understand why I didn't want to tell my family. Up until we called them and it was the most disgusting reaction, we shared we are having a boy, he is the first boy in our family, I have 5 cousins, all women, they have girls. My mum was happy that she is gonna be a grandma, not that I will have a child, do you know what I mean? I shared the gender with my grandma + mom on facetime, my grandma said that grandpa would be so happy to welcome a little boy, my mum just said: you will have to try again to get it correct the next time 🤢 My cousin called me how my life will be over and to buckle up for a boy, he will pee the walls and stuff, not one genuine congratulations. My partner was shocked and completely understood why I didn't want to tell them in the first place.

I'm no contact with my father, but my mom lives with him in the same house although often they don't talk, sometimes she stays in grandmas if it gets unbearable, it's weird and honestly embarrassing. But she loves how everyone feels sorry for her, like she will bring it up just to get sympathy. She often used to say they didn't divorce so I grew up with a father and I used to believe it lol, but it's just an excuse, I've lived abroad for 10 years now, she still didn't move out. After Christmas, my dad had one of his episodes when he just acts like an ass, I hated Christmas so much, my partner didn't understand, now we make our own and it's just the nicest time ever, so chill, so nice. So we invited her over for a couple of days, I felt sorry and I was 7.5 months pregnant. She was here for maybe 3 hours when I got my first fat shaming comment, I did not expect it, I was pregnant in the end. She hugged me (we are not huggers) and said I'm so happy you are a 'dumpling' and I'm not the only one in the family. (She is 60 and did gain weight after menopause, but hated herself my whole life). My partner just looked her in the eye and said 'she is 8 months pregnant' to which my mom said: I was a lot slimmer when I was pregnant. I knew she would say shit like this and it filtered it out but it's so dumb. Additionally, I told her prior that my father won't be in my son's life, he is not a safe person. We decided on this as a family, my partner saw the actions of my father for 10 years we have been together, be heard stories, he knows. We decided he will not have access to our child, end of story. Especially when he is born like I would have to fly to a different country, visit my family home, and do everything so my father can take him on a walk in a strolled for 30 minutes so others in the city can see ☠️ absofuckinglutely not. But at this visit my mom told me how I'm making a mistake and will regret it and she never did that she always allowed that I can see my grandma (my fathers side) even though they didn't have good relationships. And this is funny because I had non existent relationship with my fathers side of the family in the first place and they were all constantly talking shit about each other. When trying to explain that this is our decision, she was not getting it. She told me she will prepare my family house so we can stay there if we visit, I asked how she will ask my father to stay overnight at his aunt probably and she said: "He will be with his grandson he will agree to everything" I felt like I was having a stroke lol. He is not a safe person, we decided, end of story. I will regret it, he does not deserve it, yada yada. The thing is we invited my mom to have a peaceful holiday with us and be together and maybe buy some stuff for the baby and she created a warzone in my own house as well.

Fast forward to February, I went to a hospital for reduced movements and he was gone. It was hard, mentally it was hard. I started an induction process but you start a pill and then wait 48 hours to start the actual induction in the hospital. We told our family the next morning after he died and she offered to come for just a couple days while I'm in the hospital to take care of our dogs as we didn't know how long the induction will take and I did agree and I regret that I agreed and maybe I thought she will genuinely try to help or cut back on being her or idk, at the same time I'm grateful that the dogs were taken care of and I didn't have to think of them for the 72 hours I was in hospital. It was a long induction, I learnt she was not happy that we weren't giving her an updates from hospital, she was messaging to my partner constantly than talking to my MIL who then messaged her son to pry some more information from him, he said as little as possible (we are waiting for the doctor to arrive) my MIL told my mom and my mom was furious that she is not being told anything lol. My partner did shield me from this and I didn't know at a time and it was so nice of him. The night my son was born, while actively labouring, she forwarded a message from my father: 'Tell her we stand together in tough times' or some shit with her added messages: maybe he is not as bad. I did not talk to my father in two years, the message was not helpful, at the same time it meant she was sharing information about me with him without my permission. He is genuinely the last person I would like to 'stand by me in tough times', but I let that go.

I came home from the hospital the same day, we were both just, so shocked, my son's body was so limp, we spent the one and only time we will ever get with him, he was a full size baby, the prettiest little baby I've ever seen, he was long and blond just like his father and we just felt shattered. He was born at 6am, we had no sleep. I came home around 4pm I think, I was knackered, I did not believe any of this is real. She brought some kind of mysterious fever with her and she was feeling under the weather, but still found the strength to make fun of me, they didn't have a cooling pads when she gave birth and it look too bulky, we can have a full night sleep and not wake up to feed now, her stomach looked much better after the birth then I did and shit like this. What I can't forgive is, she pressured us to send the message that he was born, we did not have the time to process, but she wanted to call grandma and she would ask if we are home yet and we have to send the message that we are home before she calls with grandma. I can't believe we were pressured into it. Someone was breathing at my neck, I wasn't able to find the right words, but grandma is calling just sent it already and add a picture there must be a picture!! Makes me sick. I then, in a very vulnerable time shared that I can't believe noone from my family sent me a message, to which she asked everyone to send me a message 🤢 And the only person I could be angry at was me, because I invited her in our home, I said it was okay she can come and watch the dogs and as a consequence I was now being bossed around 10 hours after giving birth to a limp body to bring her coffee and refill her water. I think it takes a special kind of cruel to nagg your daughter after birth that she is not hanging the laundry properly freshly postpartum from a sofa with her feet up.

I can't forgive or forget this and when trying to talk this through I listen it one by one she said 'i'm sorry if I did something that hurt you' and it wasn't all bad we had a good moments and just deranged from the topic. My grandma doesn't like that we don't talk and finds excuses on my mom's behalf, 'she just says what's on her mind she can't help it' and stuff like this. It makes me angry on my partner behalf as well, he wants able to grieve his son neither, he was cooking and cleaning and taking care of the household, taking my mom to an airport, all because I agreed that she can come. He is not angry about this at all, but I am.

I don't want to make this too long but there was more, when I came over for my grandma's 80th birthday, my mom promised my niece we will come pick her up from the nursery. I was already angry, I couldn't believe she would ask me to enter a nursery, with so many children around at 3 months postpartum. The she asked me to take the car seat from one car and fasten it to hers and I just froze in the garage, last time I was installing a car seat my son died. She came closer while I was tearing up and asked what is taking me so long if I don't have functioning hands. (This is her signature statement growing up, Oh you are 3 years old and you are thirsty? Do you have hands? The sink is there) And I started crying, that I can't believe she is making me go to a nursery as my son just died.

Her response was, if you would have told me you have an issue with the carseat I would not ask you to install it in the first place l, which is just so dumb and there is no accountability, I couldn't have know she will ask me to do this one specific thing. I refused to leave the parking lot and she went in to pick up my niece, who had an absolute tantrum that my mum broke a promise that I will be picking her up, which of course is my fault.

I'm so jealous of people with supportive families, mine is not even unsupportive it's just straight up cruel. Not one message on mother's day, not a message on what would be his 6th month birthday (it's a bit thing where we come from, it's called half birthday). A loads of unsolicited advice on how I should go back to work by now, vague mention of everyone they know who experienced misscariage!! (respectfully, not the same.) I just find it so so cruel, on top of grieving my son and all the memories we lost, I had to grieve the relationship with my family as well.

My son died. I really don't care about anything anymore. I carried his dead body in me. It can all burn down as far as I'm concerned.

I can't believe how we were treated during the most vulnerable time of our lives. I tried to justify their behavior, I tried to let it go, I really really tried.

It makes me sick to my stomach, I know it's hard to find words for bereaved parents, but somehow we are gaslight into thinking we are in the wrong. I can appreciate dumb words coming from heart that are meant well, I really can. Even the 'You are so strong I cannot imagine losing a child' It's unhelpful, but coming from a good place.

We lost our son at 38 weeks in February. He was full term, he was a full size baby, I gave birth. I'm, or at least I was, somehow close to my cousin, we were both only children and grew up together at my grandmas, she asked about my birth, not to support me, but to compare it to hers, and at the end she shared she experienced loss too, and it was hard for her too. This was a 6 weeks miscarriage and while I do agree it must have been devastating, firstly it is not the same and secondly it's not the place to mention and compare, 10 hours after giving birth to his lifeless body. I did not say anything at the time, and I know even if I did I would still be in the wrong in her eyes. She was also somehow jealous that my birth recovery was easier than hers and find a time to be little me into not getting an epidural. That I didn't have to go through the pain, the thing is there was no time, I had a rapid labour and also just shut up, none of this matter.

My mom flew in to look after our dogs while we were in the hospital for induction, I will forever be grateful that they were taken care of, but I can be angry about her behaviour at the same time. She was disappointed that we weren't sharing much with her while in hospital and she were worried about me and she saw I was online and didn't text or call her therefore when my grandma or other family asked what is new she couldn't update them. We were genuinely so scared ourselves, on top of our son dying, the induction was wild but that's another story. Also I did not like her sharing about my birth, she didn't ask for a permission or anything, I asked to not tell everyone she met I was pregnant, we are from a small village that gossips, not a lot of people knew I was pregnant in the first place and I don't understand why my uncle would need to know how soft my cervix is, but I was grateful she came to take care of the dogs and let it go.

We came home the same day he was born, this is normal in the UK, unfortunately the bereavement suite was occupied and I was having panic attacks in the room I gave birth in, it was the same room they confirmed he doesn't have an heartbeat. It was a lot, it felt claustrophobic, the window could not be opened, babies were born next door. I will forever regret not spending longer with him and this is for me to work through, but we came home the same day.

Neither of us really processed what just happened. Mentally, it was a lot, physically, I just gave birth for god's sake. She pushed me into sending everyone's a text that he was born because she wanted to call grandma and we had to notify everyone that he was born so she can call her and tell het that we are home already. We were, with my partner, in his room trying to find the words to say and she kept urging us, that grandma is calling she can't keep hanging up on her. I hate being rushed when someone is breathing on your neck. I can't believe I was rushed into sending a message about my dead son by my mother. It's such an evil and belittling thing to do. I lost a lot of blood, I did not haemorraged, but it was a lot of blood and I was exhausted as well, which I think is normal after a birth ??, we didn't sleep, he was born at 5am, I laboured the whole night but my mom chose to make a fun of me that I'm high and drugged up and that she didn't get any pain killers with her birth. I did not take any of the codeine I was discharged with. I was not high, I was not drugged up and it definitely wasn't funny or necessary. I was 12 hours after giving birth, she sat on a sofa scolding me that I'm not hanging the washing, my blood and water soaked hospital clothes, properly.

My partner cooked that day, cleaned, he did everything, he changed my pads, he brought me drinks to bed. My mother comments on everything, she always have, that she didn't have anyone taking care of her when I was born (I also want to mention where I come from, you stay in the hospital for 3-7 days with postpartum nurses and can opt for overnight nursery) and how he deserves more praising and a halo over his head. While I'm used to this belittling and comments, it makes me sad he had no time to grieve because I don't come from functional family, it was his son too, his son died.

When I tried to adress this, as expected, i was told I'm just ungrateful for the help. It was awful and it haunts me, our safe space, our home, was suddenly my teenage bedroom that I worked hard for to escape. And it was my fault as well because I agreed that she can come to help with the dogs.

There were more comments like these, some body shaming of course, laughing at me for wearing diapers, using the cooling pads, because they did not have things like that 30 years ago 🫠

My partners family was okay, he shields me from most of the unsolicited advice. Up until yesterday, when we were informed my partners cousin is disappointed that we did not attend her wedding.

We RSVPed we will not be attending before he died, as he would be 3 months old and it's in another country but I think they thought we will come as now we didn't have a baby to take care of. It's not like there was an empty table for us, we didn't change the rsvp, they are just angry we didn't attend their big day. They are a little younger so maybe they don't understand. But they shared it with their family, who shared it with my partners family and then it reached us and at least someone could understand little. I was also an emotional wreck at 3 months PP.

We are 5 months in, the grief got heavier, we were looking forward for our first summer with the baby, he is not here. It sucks. Noone mentions him, it feels like he never existed. We are barely surviving day to day and are not in celebratory mood. I think it is understandable. I don't have the energy for another family drama 😫

I don't understand what is the point for a flat to sit on a market for 2 years? Similar flats sold for 60k less. I don't understand 😅 Some have reduced for 5k about a year ago. Aren't they losing money when empty for so long?

Hello! We got the news yesterday that our landlady unfortunately will be selling the flat, they don't live in the UK, which is fine (just to provide context haha), a little heartbroken as they kept our rent affordable and I have a little emotional attachment to this walls, anyways. I believe it would be easiest for everyone if we bought it from them, the time is not the best as I'm on bereavement/maternity leave at the moment and my partner reduced his hour at work to help to care of the baby - he can't ask for more hours at work as they already hired someone for their office so just a shitty situation throughout.

Anyways, some agents came to value the flat about a year ago. they estimated 400k (bought in 2016 for 380k) and I believe they are under the impression they will sell the flat for the same or hopefully make some money on top and I just don't think that's realistic. It also has 100 years lease now. I would love for them to not lose money of course or profit, but at the same time we would like to buy it for realistic price haha.

There is a lot of flats on the market in the development, the service charge is also ridiculously high for what it is, it was built in 2007. We are in a small building but one flat sold last year, although one bedroom one. Sold in 2016 for £315k, in 2025 for £265k - after sitting on a market for over a year, I believe that's more realistic than whatever foxtons is valuing.

not sure hot to approach this, thanks xx

Hi, 38 weeks stillbirth here 😔 My pathology found furcate cord insertion, long cord, small placenta. The cause of the death is probably the lack of Wharton's jelly on the cord, it leaves the vessels exposed and prone to twisting and lack of oxygen.

I asked on my perinatal loss appointment why my small placenta wasn't picked up (my fundal height was measuring behind, they only measured my baby on those extra growth scans) I was told in this trust the placenta is not looked at.

I requested my ultrasound pictures and it arrived yesterday, mainly because we don't have many pictures of him. At my 20 week scan there is indeed a picture of my cord insertion and I don't know much about anything but I can see the vessels are more of a tree. Therefore I don't think the PMRT looked back on my ultrasound. It makes me so so angry, this scan was done by a student as well, which is fine but she had a technician over looking, but he kept leaving the room and wasn't really there. I'm so so angry.

Anyways my question is how can I share my ultrasound with someone who can go through them? Willing to pay of course. This was the anatomy scan I don't want to just go to high street pregnancy ultrasound shops.

Thanks for reading ❤️‍🩹

Hello, we finally received our post mortem report back.

When he was born the hospital prepared us that we might not get the cause of death as he was good size and on the curve to the day he died. But the placenta was below the 10th percentile 😭 I just can't believe it's not looked at during the ultrasounds. The cord was also 86cm with furcate insertion - neither picked up on the ultrasounds. Additionally to this delayed villous maturation, which I know can't be seen on USS. He apparently had abnormal lobation of the lungs - situs inversus. His left one had three lobes, the right one two. He must have been struggling so much and I didn't know 😭 To my understanding that could be picked up on the USS, I had so many scans, what are they for. He also was 56cm long and we didn't know that either, very skinny for this length, poor boy.

Just filled up with anger and guilt at the moment. Anyone with the same diagnosis?

❤️‍🩹

Hi.

Had a full term stillbirth with the most perfect baby back in February. Our pmrt is finally starting next month, the wait has been dreadful but it's finally around the corner.

Desperate for answers but starting to be very skeptical, submitted our list of questions. When I got my notes back I found out 3/4 of my midwife appointments are completely undocumented.

All the concerns I voiced, nothing in my notes. In the matter of fact it looks like I never attended my appointments in the first place.

Anyways, did you find your pmrt objective? I'm in south london if that matters.