Maybe it’s everyone deciding to RTO before the long weekend or everyone chose today to leave for their vacation, but I noticed a lot more drivers on the road this morning.
Leave earlier and save your sanity!
I’ve been in the closet since middle school, for family reasons. I’m 25 now, straight passing enough, and haven’t done any activities that allowed me to perpetuate the idea that I was gay (e.g. dating, hookups, clubs, etc.) out of fear of being outed.
This past weekend, I decided to go to a niche event sponsored by an LGBT-focused group that aligned with my hobbies (motorsports). I had lots of reservations about going, but my biggest fears were the judgement and potential bigotry I’d face by outing myself as an LGBT-community member by association with the sponsoring group. My internal homophobia was working overtime here, but I know how nasty people can be towards LGBT people from first-hand experience. I spent my teens suppressing anything that would lead people on to me being gay out of fear of being bullied- and here I was just willingly outing myself by being part of this group?
Well, this weekend came and went, and I’m happy to report that I had a great time with these guys. It was refreshing to see so much LGBT representation in a hobby I love that’s mostly straight-male dominated. It was also inspiring to see how comfortable these guys were with their sexuality in public- openly talking about being gay, drag queens, etc.- it was my first time being in an LGBT space where I wasn’t totally on edge.
Reflecting on this experience has been really tough for me. This weekend showed me that you could lead a normal life being gay, in that you don’t always have to be guarded in what you say/do to not let others on to you are gay. It’s also left me feeling hollow in realizing that even though I want to have a healthy relationship with my sexuality, none of the people I have in my circle know about this huge aspect of me, and I’m not sure I’m prepared to lose them if they find out and start from scratch. I don’t want to be alone, but I already feel so isolated not committing to the closet or being gay.
Not sure I had a purpose for this post other than to organize my thoughts. I’m mourning this weekend because it was such a great experience with people I could identify and let my guard down with, but it’s left me at an impasse for how I want to continue my journey as a closeted guy. This probably won’t reach them but a huge thanks to the guys that interacted with me this weekend and made me feel really comfortable in a space I’ve kept myself away from. Shoutout to all of you that have the confidence to live your truth, hoping I can get there one day too.