u/xhit_storm

When I first started dating in poly, I had an ex who dated a monogamous person. A lot of issues resulted from this, and she was not good as a hinge towards me and my meta, but lately it got me thinking about why she dated a monogamous person and her stance on it.

This ex (lets call her Daisy) had a lot of other toxic behaviors but I'm curious to hear what other's opinion on her reasoning are:

Basically, Daisy's stance was that no one, monogamous or not, should be able to control their partner at all. And monogamy to her was inherently controlling - controlling who you could sleep with. Her definition of monogamy was more so how an individual defines themselves, and not the relationship style inherently. As in being monogamous to her meant 'I only want to date one person' not society's defined 'two people in a closed relationship'.

Her theory was that any monogamous person could date polyamorous people because mono people can't control their partner and that any issues that arise could be resolved through communicating and meeting their needs. Her logic sort of followed this line of questioning- "I don't want you to see other people" "Why?" "Because I want to be your sole priority" "Why?" "Because I want to feel cherished, special, and valued" "what makes you feel cherished" "Spending a lot of time with me." "Well if I just spend a lot of time with you, you who I sleep with shouldn't matter."

It's an interesting argument, and the way she presented it I always felt like a horrible person for disagreeing. She'd make it seem like I wanted people to be able to control others.

To me, she was still describing a poly relationship in that any relationship with a poly person was poly at the end of the day. My counter argument was - of course you shouldn't control others, which is why mono people and poly people don't date each other because this an unnegotiable incompatibility. If I said I didn't want kids, I wouldn't date someone who did. Even this logic, she didn't agree with 'well why don't you want to date someone with kids?' 'I don't want to be a parent' 'why?' 'I don't want that responsibility' 'what if I took full responsibility' 'that's not realistic' 'but what if I could' 'I still wouldn't want to be restricted by kids' 'what does restriction look like to you'..etc. etc.

To her, if you could find the real 'why' or logic towards a very specific need, then it shouldn't matter.

Which I mean does make sense in some regards because often times the real problem isn't because of specific rule it's because of unmet needs or crossed boundaries. To me the question was- do you even want to though?The reality is that sometimes we just have preferences and nonnegotiables that can't be surpassed.

Ultimately, her and her mono partner broke up while we were dating, and our relationship didn't last long after. But what do you think? Is there ever an ethical and safe way for poly people to date mono people?

Trying out the new rule! I have an all-time favorite recipe that is extremely simple and addmitely loaded on fats and carbs. I'm wondering how to make it healthier (less calories, lower sodium preferably, less fat and carb, higher protein if able). I don't have any diet restrictions so making it vegan/gluten free isn't a necessity but I'm open to it if it would make it inherently healthier.

It is a midwestern thing my grandma made so it's dear to my heart but wish it could be made better. Here is the existing recipe, sorry its not super exact, I tend to measure with my heart:

Cheesy Chicken Crescent Rolls

2 pillsbury crescents tubes precut (the tubes you smack on the counter to pop open)
3 cans of chicken (drain)
2 cans of low sodium cream of chicken soup
2% milk (I use one empty can to measure)
tons of shredded medium cheddar probably 2 cups at least?
4 oz container of goat cheese crumbles (optional)
garlic
half of a diced white onion
salt, pepper, season-all, garlic and onion powder, paprika, Italian seasoning

1. Combine cream of chicken soup, milk, and at least a cup of shredded cheddar in sauce pan - heat until boiling, at seasonings to taste
2. pour some of this soup mixture into the bottom of a glass backing dish
3. in bowl, combine drained chicken, more cheddar cheese, seasonings to taste, garlic, onion, and goat cheese if preferred.
4. stuff chicken filling into Pillsbury crescent and roll up, place on top of sauce in glass baking dish.
5. sprinkle extra filling on top of crescents if left over
6. bake at 350 for 20ish minutes, take out and top with more cheese, bake 5-10 minutes more.
7. plate and top with remaining sauce.

Any recommendations or is it doomed to be a 'in moderation' meal? My first idea was to add more veggies to the filling like peas and carrots so it's sort of like 'chicken pot pie' roll ups? This makes it more nutritional at least.

I'm talking about things that look and taste like fast food, comfort food, or any typical 'guilty pleasures' but are, in some way, healthy (talking generally higher in protein, lower in fat, sugar, or calories, or has really high nutritional content). Or could even be your 'this isn't as bad as you might expect' meal.

I'm not really talking about recipe remakes of fast food where you use greek yogurt/cottage cheese high protein replacements to make something healthy, but I will take things like "xyz actually can be really healthy if you make it yourself". For the most part, I'm talking about foods or meals as is that are genuinely a classic comfort but are actually healthy (or just not that bad for you). Of course, a lot of things are great in moderation, so let's pretend that this is a meal you can eat often and/or a lot of and it still hold up.

For example, chicken nuggets/tenders. Depending on how prepared, fried, and if breaded, these can be pretty healthy because it's basically just pure lean protein- major major caveats though on how prepared. And, even if prepared unhealthily, I still think it's still a great pick compared to other fast food options.

Could also just be personal opinions on how tasty some healthy recipes are. Like black bean corn salsa/cowboy caviar is so so tasty to me I often forget 'wow this is just a bowl of veggies and beans'

Not currently an issue, but something from a past relationship I've thought about recently.

A huge conflict with an ex of mine was that she had a kink dynamic with a monogamous person (who was aware she was poly, and actively disliked it, but still dated her anyway and had a pretty questionable don't ask don't tell system with her... yeah this is a whole separate concern) that directly impacted our dates, sex life, and relationship as a whole.

I am avoiding explicit detail but in general, in this situation my ex, 'Daisy', was a sub to her monogamous dom 'Cherry'. In this kink dynamic, Cherry would impose (consented to by Daisy) rules on Daisy with spicy punishments, but the rules themself would impact us. Things like 'you're not allowed to do spicy activity tonight, you're not allowed to have marks, you're not allowed to take more than 5 minutes to respond to my texts'.

Which... okay? Sure, get it, no judgement here.

But the problem was that Daisy would explicitly tell me these rules and at least imply that she didn't want to be punished.

Which felt... conflicting.

Some of them were a little fun to play into because sometimes Daisy would tell me specifically so that I would help her break them (sometimes she wanted the spicy punishment!). But others really put a strain on the relationship, things that would interrupt our dates (like constantly being on her phone to make sure she responded timely to Cherry). It got a point that it felt like Cherry was Domming and controlling both of us. And I told Daisy as much, that I didn't agree to these rules, and that I didn't like how it was impacting our relationship. Especially when I knew Daisy wanted to do these things with me, and it wasn't a boundary of hers, but rather a rule of someone else's. And because it was a don't ask don't tell dynamic, I couldn't communicate to Cherry directly about them, and Daisy wasn't setting any boundaries - just telling me that 'well I'll just be punished then'.

To be honest, some of the rules felt like Cherry was actively trying to punish Daisy for being poly, trying to sabotage the relationship by imposing rules that would reduce our interaction. Obviously we broke up, and for a multitude of other shady reasons.

But the situation got me thinking about how healthy poly people handle kink dynamics or consented to rules that may impact other relationships. Have you experienced any conflicts like this? Especially things like kink dynamics with chastity rules that would limit spicy time with others if followed. What are your thoughts?

Ever since I cut contact with my parents, I've doubted my decision. If perhaps I was overreacting, if it's my fault, if I should just suck it up, if I acted too rashly- almost constantly. Especially when I see other's stories, I can't help but compare and feel like 'my parents really weren't that bad.'

How do you deal with the self doubt? Where's the line? While the response and feelings are valid, how do I know if perhaps there was a better ay to go about it?

Here's my story- Long read so buckle in.

I've been no contact with my mom for about 5 years now, with a slight shift to low contact in the past year. I've been no to low contact with my dad throughout this as well, but generally if contact needed to occur it would be through him (e.g. health issues with grandparents, etc.).

Growing up, neither of my parents handed conflict in a healthy or productive way. My mom would center herself in every issue- putting her own emotions or needs first and dismissing mine and my sisters. Normally, conflict 'resolution' would like like a screaming match, her saying something like 'well I must be a terrible parent, no one one appreciates me, etc.' and then straight up leaving for hours if not days on end. As a young kid this is what hurt the most as I never had any idea if or when my mom would come back, and my dad would enable this. He'd say we'd need to clean the house or something so mom doesn't get mad when she comes back. After a point, I was old enough to understand what divorce was, that there was a very real possibility she could leave and never come back.

Eventually, whenever she did come back, the conflict was ignored. No repair.

So it developed a pattern - where I was afraid to voice when she upset me or the way we talked upset me because it would turn into blow up, dismissal, and leaving. It became very clear in general that my mom lacked emotional regulation and maturity. If she was upset, she's take it out on everyone else. Passive aggression, getting angry over the littlest things, and generally just never approaching conflict with curiosity or an ability to listen. If we were upset, she would defend herself until we gave up and she was 'right'. There was never accountability, apologies, or consideration towards our feelings. It let to me being a constant people pleaser and giving up my needs to 'be the bigger person'.

And through all this, my dad would always favor 'making mom happy' over our emotions. So while my dad may not have done the damage himself, he certainly was complacent in it.

After years of no repair and walking on eggshells, I was very much a 'bedroom child'. Being in shared spaces was exhausting, no conversation felt safe, and being myself was almost entirely off the table. Despite this, my parents were incredibly supportive in other areas. Financially, we were doing great. They were very involved in my school and hobbies, they volunteered to help out in our after school programs, they took us on vacation (to a vacation house they bought!), they paid for my college, and footed most of the bill until I had my own job and could sustain myself. They were, in most regards 'good parents'. They tried very hard to be good parents. But it didn't take away from the consistent hurt and fear growing up.

The real tipping point was when my mom's judgement became too much. Growing up she'd make comments on my body, about me being to fat, (when definitely, objectively as a child I was not). She'd make comments about others, would openly judge or mock anyone different. She also placed a ton of emphasis on making friends and being popular, when I had always been much of an introvert. It felt, at times, that she was projecting her own insecurities from her high school or childhood onto me.

It came to a head around college where so much of my repressed 'I can't do this because my mom wouldn't like it' could be ignored because I was on my own. I'd known I was bisexual for a while, but I finally came out. I realized so much of my body insecurities (made worse because of my mom's comments) were also because I was nonbinary. College was a volatile and confusing time for me. I experienced SA, I had crazy mental health issues, and all throughout this, my mom judged the absolute f*ck out of every new development. Nothing was good enough and most everything was wrong. It didn't feel safe to tell them all these new developments and feelings, so I kept most of it hidden

When I finally told them I was going by a different name (around age 19 or 20), they outright refused, and it blew up into a whole argument, where I finally expressed how I was feeling about how they treated conflict, how their judgment hurt me, basically everything I'd bottled up for a while.

And of course, knowing how my parents handle conflict, it went horribly. The fight didn't resolve anything, it was probably the last time I truly tried to work through the issues with them - to try and communicate towards a solution. And when it didn't work, I shut down.

When I went back to college after that issue, I quietly stopped talking to them as much, but still went to our family Christmas vacation out of obligation. Tensions were high the entire time, and my mother refused to call me my chosen name throughout. It sucked, by the end of it my mother had cried multiple times, blown up, refused to attend certain events, passively aggressively huffed and puffed about every little thing, and had announced on the very last day that they were selling the vacation house and would not be doing this vacation again after having overheard me venting to my sister about everything going on (they did genuinely sell the house, but insisted they were planning on doing it before anything happened).

I left, deciding finally that I would not take it anymore (at around age 21 or 22). I let them know I needed space and not to contact me. My mother responded by sending me probably the most hurtful letter I've ever received. Damn near ten pages confirming every last fear and issue I had quietly assumed but never outright named because I'd wanted to think the best of them. She'd said that she never thought I'd be nonbinary because I dressed like a slut and got boys attention. She worried that the reason my ex broke up with me in the past is because of me going through these phases. She explained that the only reason she commented on my weight is because of family health issues. Pages of excuses of defenses, how she'd cry in the shower about everything. She never apologized. Not once.

It was strange. To me it seems like she didn't think I knew why she did things or what she was going through. That I just thought she was a bad parent who wasn't trying. I always knew she was trying hard and that she loved me- but that didn't take away from the impact of her actions. I think she thought by sending this letter of defenses I would have some aha moment that she was a good parent after all. But I understood then that it didn't matter to her how her actions impacted me so long as she believed she was doing it for the right reasons.

So I cut both of them off. For a while there was no contact at all, but then my dad reached out because my grandpa died. Our communication was off and on until I felt safe enough to let them know that they could both contact me if they wished, but I made no promises about responding.

I had partly hoped this would give them the 'permission' to ask how things can be made right. That they would be curious, ask questions, maybe even apologize. Instead... crickets.

So I moved on. Years went by and sometimes my dad would text about various things, sometimes my mom would share a random picture or two. It was spotty communication with zero expectations. Generally, I responded back politely but not enthusiastically. Inevitably, my sister got married and I would have to see them in person again for the first time in like 5 years. It occupied all of my thoughts leading up to the wedding.

During it, I politely hugged my dad hello and goodbye, chatted briefly. My mom ignored me. The wedding ended, and that was that.

Afterwards, my grandma had some health complications that caused my dad to reach out again. During this, he brought up 'how upset your mom had been that I didn't say hello at the wedding,' (she hadn't said hi to me either) 'that communication is a two way street' (they hadn't initiated conversation either, and how 'don't you think its time to talk through all this, its not fair to your mother to not speak to her.'. The same sort of catering to mom I'd stepped away from 5 years ago. My mom had even expressed via a note in a box I'd grabbed from their house recently the idea that 'our memories of the past aren't always reliable'. Basically, another excuse that oh maybe these issues weren't as bad as I remember.

But now, so much time has passed I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I was wrong. That I was overreacting during a volatile time. I think sometimes maybe cutting them off was too extreme, that I could have just kept them at an arms length. They didn't outright abuse or neglect me, so it's hard to justify not speaking to them at all. And looking back, I know I didn't have the strongest communication skills either. I made this decision while my mental health was in the gutter. Since then, I've managed to come out of that gutter and thrive. I largely attribute my success today to the decision to remove them from my life. I'm afraid if I let them back into my life I will fall into old patterns. And every single time I think about reaching out to them to try and mend things, I feel my entire body revolt. My hands shake, I panic, I cry, I have terrible dreams.

Mostly, I just don't see the point. I've moved on, I've mourned the loss of my parents. And this entire time, not once have they asked what they can do to be in my life again. It feels like they're assuming some day I'll just 'get over it' and 'be the bigger person' like I used to do all my life, setting my feelings aside to coddle theirs.

So. Here I am, now age 27. If you read all this, thank you. And please, share what you think.

Hello, I've been using Teams Webinar (free version) for our webinars, but we've gotten enough attendees and use it for enough of a specific purpose that I think it's time to find a better platform, software, or technology.

Namely, we are conducting CPE webinars, which have stricter reporting and tracking requirements. Our webinars are also generally not for lead generation purposes, so we don't need all the marketing bells and whistles, just a great functional webinar platform. We typically send to our own specific mailing list and aren't looking for third party companies that have a 'pay per attendee' type business model to host webinars for us (such as CPA Academy).

Does anyone have a suggestion that fits these requirements?

1. Must be able to host a minimum of 500 attendees (1,000+ preferred)

2. Ability to block or unregister specific users (aka if we find that someone is maliciously joining (maybe we have registration limits and they are spamming registrations, or perhaps a competitor trying to poach clients, I'm not sure), we’d like the ability to prevent this)

3. Polls and comprehensive polls reports – must show names/emails of who voted- and preferably what they voted for. Polls MUST BE answerable by everyone- not just those who have the app, registered, etc. Had bad issues with people not being able to answer polls because it was blocked by bots or something for those using teams desktop vs teams browser.

4. Comprehensive in/out times, attendance, and engagement reports exported in clear format. Must have attendance in/out time tracking.

5. Ability to hide attendees/registrants from seeing who all is attending or registered before, during, and after the meeting – other security or privacy features for attendees

6. Automatic recording and transcription

7. Webinar lobby for presenters to join in before starting the meeting

8. Custom registered/reminder/follow up emails to registrants/attendees

9. In meeting help or chat feature that goes to presenters and not to all attendees.

In so many conversations surrounding polyamory, I see these words used often, sometimes interchangeably, and sometimes incorrectly. Here's my take/interpretation (not the end-all be all definition), and I'm curious to know everyone's thoughts:

For one, I don't think all of these are mutually exclusive.

Boundaries - if 'this' happens I will do 'this' as a response. It is a clear consequence as to how you will react to something else. For example: "If you shout during an argument, I will step away from the argument". It is not "You are not allowed to shout during arguments". However, it can sometimes stray into nonnegotiables because the boundary itself is that you will leave the relationship. (e.g. if you abuse me, I will end the relationship- this is both a boundary and a nonnegotiable)

Wants - desires, negotiables. Things that you would like but are open to negotiating. Not having them exactly as you want won't inherently prevent you from being with a person. For example "I want to spend more time with you. I want to spend every weekend together." which can then be negotiated with how much time, when, eg. "I am not available every weekend- can we spend every other weekend together?"

Needs- very very similar to wants imo, but I think needs are more so your specific basic fundamental building blocks to a relationship. E.g. You need love, you need to feel supported, you need to be given attention. This can look like 'wants' but I think it is loose in the specifics. For example "I need to spend quality 1 on 1 time with you". What this may look like, in practice, can vary based on wants (such as the previous 'I want to spend every weekend together')

Nonnegotiables - a specific set of circumstances that must be met or else the relationship will not occur. For example "I will not date someone who has children" "I will not date someone who does drugs" "I will not continue to date someone who shouts at me" "I will only date someone who is also polyamorous". Sometimes these can be your boundaries, sometimes they can be rules for the other person, as a whole though, anything can be a nonnegotiable - and that's okay, if the other person knows and actively agrees to your nonnegotiable. If you have a nonnegotiable, and the other person doesn't agree to it, but you date anyway..... well..... that's where problems occur.

Rules - Healthy rules are something that both parties agree to as an expectation in the relationship. For example "Our rule is to notify the other partner 2 weeks in advance if we plan to not spend a weekend together". Rules can address wants, needs, or even nonnegotiables. I think the thing that makes them different is that they are a specific instruction that you've likely negotiated on and agreed to. healthy rules, especially, can look very close to boundaries.

Here's a realistic example I've come up with that puts all of these together:
Emily is dating Jenny. Jenny has a partner she lives with named Mike. Emily needs consistent quality 1on1 time with Jenny, and her nonnegotiable is that she won't date long distance because of this. Emily feels that because Jenny is living with Mike, she is unable to spend as much uninterrupted time with Jenny as she wants. Together, Jenny and Emily have created a rule that they will have a planned date night every Thursday. Emily has agreed to this, but sets a boundary that if Jenny is distracted on the date texting Mike, that Emily will leave the date.

So... what do we think? Is it still unclear? What are your definitions and examples? What's your "Okay but what about this situation?"

I also would really like to know specific examples of boundaries or rules you've set in your relationships. So much of the time I see people saying things like "set a boundary" or "identify your needs" but much of the time it leaves me scratching my head wondering what boundaries would even help or what an adjacent example might look like. So if you've got any specific examples please share them!

We all know that chaol and tower of dawn are wildly debated- some hate him, some love him (largely a lot of people just found this book to be boring compared to the rest).

But I’ve noticed a correlation between people whose favorite book and series is CC who also loved chaol and his book best. And similarly, those who did not like chaol/tower of dawn did not like CC or preferred TOG as a series

Curious what the reason is here and what the connection is? Is it the type of characters, the pacing, the type of love story? Anyone want to weigh in who either loved CC/Chaol or disliked CC/Chaol?

Posting this here because I'm afraid the CC fans will come for me elsewhere - and disclaimer that I did not dislike CC, I still enjoyed it- I'm absolutely not intending to hate on it.

But did anyone else feel really disappointed by the CC series, specifically from the emotional impact point of view? The plots, word building, and characters didn't really feel as compelling as TOG or even ACOTAR. Parts that I knew were supposed to be emotional and hit hard with shock an awe like TOG did just fell flat. The third book especially felt like a huge let down - pacing issues, character issues, just overall didn't hit the mark compared to her other series. It felt, in a lot of regards, like the characters and plot and emotional aspects were watered down of convoluted versions of TOG plots. >!For example, when the guys get imprisoned and tortured in CC3, it reminded me of a poorly executed version of what was a much more emotional KOA Aelin trapped plot line. The 'main character sacrifices themself but doesn't end up dying' was used once again. Even the final fight where everyone joins in felt like a watered down final fight of KOA.!<

Am I just cynical, or does anyone else feel like CC was trying too hard to be something SJM has already done? Anyone else feel like they just weren't as invested in these characters?

Anyone have or attend some sort of club or group that hosts regular meetups for artists to make art (of any form)? Like a regular open studio time, figure drawing class, or watercolors class? I'm looking for something casual, noncommittal, or inexpensive, not a true art class with set sessions for several hours.

I'm basically just looking for a more structured excuse to work on my art more and meet new people with shared interest.