Confessions of a Nürburgring Taxi driver
I drove my first official Nürburgring taxi lap for a manufacturer back in 2009. Over the next decade and a bit, I drove something over 20,000 laps of the Nordschleife for various brands and private companies.
People presume that the biggest skill requirement to being a good taxi driver is driving, but unless you're a spam-handed muppet who couldn't drive a slippery-stick up a dog's bottom without a map, you'll be fine at it.
Most competent racing drivers can do an 80% lap safely. Touristenfahrten isn't a race, and needs its own skill set to be safe and fast, but that's a whole different post.
In my opinion what separates a good taxi driver from a great one is synergy with the customers, and empathy for their emotions.
For you, it's just lap 13 of a busy Sunday. For the customer, it's potentially a core life experience. Could be the best part of their day, their week... their whole holiday!
As such, I'd like to think I became better at reading people's emotions, regardless of nationality or culture. I'd always ask each customer if they'd been on the Nürburgring before. Then if they'd been on any track before. I'd do this to figure out how fast I could go out of the gate. Do they need a 9 minute lap? 10? 7? What can I get away with?
So I was there to deliver fun, smiles, positive marketing for the brand. Not laptimes. If I could deliver a solid 9-minute lap without anybody puking, that's would be a win. Of course, some customers want it faster, and that's where the experience comes in. Push 230kmh through the first dip (Tiergarten) and watch their faces. Was it too much? Or was it thrilling?
So anyway... I'm always watching the mirrors for traffic, and I'm always watching FACES in the mirror too.
One time, pulling up to the gate to start a lap, I do my little mirror check, and one of my passengers has started to go pale already. You see it quite a bit though, so it's not a good reason to abort.
But as the barrier lifts, he grabs the sick bag with an urgent kind of snatch.
I'm like, "uh-oh", but we roll out onto the track anyway. This time I'm not gunning it at 200+ through the first straight. We roll up to 160kmh and as we pass the T13 pitlane, my unfortunate back-seater is puking.
He's apologetic, in a language I don't understand. But I crack the windows for the other guests. They're not English or German speakers either; it's a group booking from a large Asian company. But we laugh it off together, and I stick right, doing the "lap of shame" for any ringtaxi driver (making your customers puke is NOT a badge of honour, quite the opposite).
But the chap is still puking! He's really suffering.
Oh dear. I pull over at the 'safe' pocket at Hocheichen, radio ahead that this lap will take some time. I get out and help him, dispose of his full bag, and give him a fresh one.
I repeat this process again at Spiegelkurve. Park in the safe pocket, replace his bag, reassure him. Continue at slow speed.
At the half-way point, our 8 minute lap is around minute 28. I can sense his fellow passengers have passed through amusement, through sympathy, and are already experiencing annoyance. I radio my colleague, and tell them to talk with the tour leader. Tell the tour leader, they can pick this guy up from the Cafe at the half-way-point (yes, this used to be a thing).
So I stop at the half-way point, drop off the confused and quite poorly customer, with enough pocket change for a coffee and a bottle of water. I figure if I fight my way back up the public roads and through the queues, I'll lose even more time, and he'll keep puking anyway.
I radio back to base, right before I re-enter the track, and check that this plan OK. It is. They've spoken to the tour leader, and the bus will pick him up on the way past. The group is nearly done, and they're going north back up towards the autobahn.
It's about 2pm on a Sunday, for context. Further context is that I'm pretty sure that this sickly customer had the tuna salad before getting in, but I digress.
We finish the lap, and I get back to the carpark to a huge queue. This delay has nerfed the afternoon schedule already.
It's one of those days where the driver can't even get out of the car until it's time to fill up at the ED tankstelle. So the next time my passengers are being swapped, I shout at the assistant to double check that the tour organiser knows where the missing passenger is. Next lap, assistant repeats it back to me, they're gonna pick him up. It's all in hand.
For the rest of the day, I picture this little dude drinking a water as his colour comes back, waiting for a bus to pick him up. It's a fun mental image, everytime I drive through Breidscheid and past the Cafe.
At 5pm I get a phone call... from the cafe. I don't pick it up, because I'm driving a lap.
"Oh, he probably didn't pay for the drinks" I think. Well, I'm nearly finished.
I'll just pop in on my way home, pay the bill, get a receipt. So we pack up the usual time, around 6-ish, I wash the car, drive home in the daily and the last cars are leaving the track. I pop in to the café to pick up the bill, and there he is. The customer.
Big smile on his face, on his 10th cup of coffee and with some fries on the table. He's had a lovely afternoon at the Nürburgring. And his tour group are half-way to Hamburg.
A couple of phone calls later, and we had him in a REAL taxi to go join them.
I still chuckle to myself this day.
Congrats if you read this far.