r/MilitaryWives

Over the past two months, my husband has been doing pre-deployment training on a ship for two weeks at a time. He’s a Marine, but he works in administration. At first, everything seemed fine, but lately I’ve noticed that he’s been acting differently. He seems more distant, doesn’t talk to me as much, and when I ask him if something is wrong, he gets defensive. We’ve had a few arguments about it, and while we resolved them before he left for another two-week training period, I still have a feeling that something isn’t right.
My husband has told me about the coworkers he works with in his office. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but then I noticed that he kept bringing up one specific female coworker. Eventually, I asked him if he liked her because he mentioned her so often, and he said no.
What has been bothering me is that he tells me they go to the gym together on the ship and sometimes go to the chow hall together as well. He also mentioned that there was a karaoke night on the ship, and she was there too. Another thing that stood out to me was when he said some of the other Marines asked him if she was single or dating anyone. I asked why they would ask him that, and he said they probably asked because he works in the same office as her.
I know she’s single, and that makes me even more anxious. I can’t help but worry that they may have gotten close during all this time together. What makes it even harder is that they’ll both be deploying together for almost eight months, so they’ll continue working in the same office and spending a lot of time around each other.
He also told me that he’s inviting some of his coworkers to a family event, and she’ll be there too.
I know that ships sometimes turn off Wi-Fi, and he’s told me that when that happens, he can’t send or receive messages. I understand that’s part of being on the ship, but with everything else that’s been happening, my anxiety has been making me overthink the situation.
I’m not sure if I’m worrying over nothing or if these are valid concerns. I don’t want to accuse him of anything without a reason, but I also can’t ignore that his behavior has changed, and it has left me feeling uneasy.

By the time he gets back it’ll be almost a year he was gone and I want to look nice but I don’t wanna be overdressed any advice will be appreciated!

Hi everyone, this is my first post on one of these and I’m just in a really weird place. My husband and I have been together almost 6 years, and married almost 1. When he’s home we don’t really ever have any problems. He’s my best friend and I love him so so much and we’re such a solid team. But last year he had the chance to a position that has him gone a lot. And while we expected the first year of this job to have a lot of work trips this is significantly more than anticipated. We’ve spent about half the year apart for each other and I’m exhausted and starting to feel resentful. 

I work from home, so when he doesn’t come home I spend a lot of time by myself. I love my job, and I always dreamed of working remotely. But with him being gone sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in this house taking care of our pets and I never get to leave. I try to keep busy and go to workout classes and see the couple friends I do have; but it just feels so lonely. 

I hate that I’m starting to grow resentful of him, that I can’t be excited for him when he tells me he gets to do something exciting on his trip and instead I’m just jealous and bitter.  I know it’s not his fault that he’s gone, but I’m so fucking resentful. I never feel like he actually wants to talk to me when he’s gone (which I know isn’t true. But I just can’t help but feel that way). 

I hate that I feel like I have to change jobs to feel less lonely when I don’t want to. I hate that I don’t feel like I can just be upset or angry about it all without feeling like a dick about it. And I’m just tired of dealing with this. I feel like my entire life is having to suck it up and just deal with it and I’m so tired of having to deal with it.

I know as soon as he gets home again we’ll get back in the groove and everything will be okay. But I’d be lying if I said this year hasn’t taken a toll. And that just upsets me because I love him so much. Im in therapy and have talked about all of this to my therapist, but I think I’m just looking for some sympathy from people who understand. I just feel so alone. 

My husband is in the army 21M and I am a 20F. He constantly denies sex with me and says that I turn him off. I’m a very sexual person and this kinda hurts me bc I feel like I’m not good enough. We are eachothers first bodies and only bodies. I found out he was paying 500+ for OF in February of this year. He wanted to meet with the girl to bang. We used to bang eachother like rabbits in highschool. He said he wanted to meet w her bc he’s basically tired and used to our sex. I tried to roleplay w him in July bc he said he’s into that but he kept on getting soft. I completely gave up on sex with him. Everytime I ask for it I get turned down. What do I do at this point? We have a history of porn addiction. He looks at women who have bbls, natural big butts, or big boobs. And I look at passionate things. Because that’s what I crave. And he makes no effort to make me orgasm. He’s probably eaten me out 10 times within the 5 years we’ve been together. I’m just tired of this. We have constant fights and when I beg for sex he gets so annoyed. I just want a connection with my husband. He’s so turned off by me for whatever reason. We’ve agreed that porn is a no go in our relationship but I know sometimes he jerks off when he showers in the mornings when I’m not awake. I want him to want me but there’s nothing I can do. Please give advice.😔 I feel unloved and unworthy of having a physical connection w my partner.

Hello!

My husband is gone at basic training, and we weren’t able to get my military spouse ID before he left. I now am trying to get it, to ensure I can get on base easily to watch him graduate. Will I be able to get this at the DEERS office without him present? I am planning on calling and asking tomorrow, but I’m very concerned because if I can’t do this it will really complicate things.

Thanks!

How did you all find out your spouse was cheating on you? My husband has been acting weird this week and something seems off. He's at AIT rn and he's starting to text me less and less and doesn't say good night anymore and never asks me about me and how my day was or anything in my life. I've told him things like I'm not feeling too well and he won't ask any follow up questions and won't check in later and ask if I'm feeling better. Like yesterday he only sent me 3 texts and 2 of them were about the weather. He also turned off he location and when I asked him about it he made a stupid excuse about battery and icons. And then when I asked him if he's going to keep it off because of the battery he said no was just checking something but it's been almost a whole week and he still hasn't turned it on. He also stopped sending me meme and reels which I know sounds silly but its something he usually does on a daily basis. So now idk if I'm overthinking everything or something is up but I feel like he might be cheating. Is there any way I can find out? Like how did you all find out if your spouse cheated on you?

I don’t think people talk enough about how lonely it can be after reporting DV, especially when you’re OCONUS with a child and don’t have a village.
The person I considered my closest friend here was one of the people telling me I deserved better. But when I actually reported, the support disappeared. The night everything happened, my daughter had been at the hospital with me for hours without eating while I was being interviewed. I asked my friend to pick her up, and she waited two hours because she wanted to go to a restaurant with her family first. She eventually helped, and I’m grateful for that, but I know if the roles were reversed, I would’ve dropped everything.
That same night I was exhausted, scared about the future, overwhelmed and feeling guilty. I cried to her, and she shook her head and said she didn’t understand why I even felt bad. Since then, she hasn’t checked on me once. The only other time I asked for help, because I had an interview where I couldn’t bring my daughter, she said no before I could even finish asking.
What hurts is that right before this, while her husband was deployed, I constantly checked on her and her kids, spent time with them, and even had my husband help when her cat died. I never expected anything in return, but I thought my closest friend would at least be there when my life fell apart.
Being OCONUS makes it worse. Making close friends isn’t easy, and even if I meet someone new, I’m not going to immediately open up about something this personal. I’ve been holding everything in and figuring it out alone since day one.
I understand now why people are afraid to report. Everyone talks about getting help and support, but what happens when there is no village? I feel like I lost everything, and somehow I’m still expected to carry everything alone.
I have nobody to vent to, nobody checking on me, and I’m tired. Some days I genuinely feel like my husband, despite everything, would’ve been more supportive than the people I thought I could count on.
I just wish someone had prepared me for how incredibly lonely the aftermath can be.

I‘m a 14+ year military spouse and we’re entering my husband’s sixth deployment. This time feels harder. We have three school age kids who are all feeling the separation pretty intensely but in different ways. We also just PCS’d to our new location all the way across the country from our previous base and a thousand miles away from any support system we have… and that support system historically doesn’t travel to help us out. We haven’t even had time to establish a community here. I also work full time from home as the primary earner. So I’m feeling stretched in all the directions.

Okay… so how do I make it all happen? How do I keep the family afloat, cared for, fed, in activities, and happy for six months without drowning myself? ”Make time for self care” isn‘t the advice I’m hoping for. I’d really love to know the practical ways you made it work successfully. Thanks

If your spouse joined and went to basic, OCS, then BOLC how long were you apart? I would love to stay together during BOLC after being apart for 11 months, but if we're just staying in a hotel that's not very feasible with 3 kids and 3 dogs. Financially it doesn't seem like a smart move to pay for a U-Haul, deposits, and all of that stuff for only a little over 5 months. Like two weeks short of it being a pcs. I'm a tired mom doing it all alone and my kids just want their dad. By the time BOLC is over we will have been apart for 14 months.

I know... we signed up for this life. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck though.

If my spouse served in the military until 2005, which was prior to our marriage, and his service was re-characterized in 2015 to medical retirement and he added me to his SBP, and I divorce him, can he remove me from his SBP if I want to remain as the SBP beneficiary? If he remarries, can he add his new wife to his SBP and remove me? I’m ready to answer your questions and appreciate your attention. Thank you.

My husband is in the AF and graduating from tech in seven weeks and we’re discussing our moving options. We’re staying domestic and it’s a 21 hr drive. We have two year old and eight month old. Flying means: we get there faster BUT we don’t have our car and anyone with kids knows how difficult it is fitting car seats and such in. We also don’t know how quickly our stuff will be sent so is flying worth not having our car or any of our kids stuff? Driving is obviously driving, but we also won’t have seen each other for seven months and I know my husband and I would have plenty to talk about and we would drive when the boys sleep. We also would be able to pack some of their favorite toys, our baby’s clothes since he’s still growing at a rapid rate. And anything else we’d want when we move in right away. I think it’s called a partial move? I’m not exactly sure but would love advice since this will be our first move.

Me and my bf are dating for less than 1 month and he asked me to marry him! And tbh I'm surprised i felt its early but we really love each other so much and having fun together makes calls and share everything and he really nice, handsome, nerd, respectful and understanding person

And guess what we haven't met irl yet but ill be in his state next Nov

Is that something normal in military men? Or I should run?
I DO trust him btw

Hi everyone, my husband is set to deploy soon and I’ll be managing 4 kids(10,8,2, and 3 months), 2 dogs(one is a 5 month old puppy) alone without family support. What things did you do to prepare that helped? This will be our first time with him deploying, and I’m doing my best to prepare myself and kids. He’ll still have some access to communication, but there will be significant time difference. Thank you so much for any advice.

To start off a lot has led to me wanting to leave but the perhaps biggest in my face reason of all is that after months apart due to him being in school we have decided to try for another child as we have a 5 year old. Well I told him today that I thought there was a high chance I was pregnant and he “jokingly” acted like he was going to punch me in the stomach. (Which I know is not a joke thing to do) and then later our kiddo went to smack his butt to get him back kinda for smacking my butt and he walked over and pretended like he was going to punch them in the face and then laughed like a child and said “haha that’s two for flinching”

We just moved to a new state and are essentially isolated from any and everyone we knew because it’s just us 3.

Please tell me I’m not crazy?

Dear cheating Husband,

I've been carrying this around for a long time, and I don't think you truly understand what this has done to me. Every time I try to talk about it, somehow the conversation ends up becoming about you. Your guilt. Your shame. You feeling overwhelmed. You not wanting me to look at you differently. Meanwhile, I'm expected to carry what happened, carry my own pain, and somehow make room for yours too.

I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted from feeling like I had to investigate my own marriage because you refused to be completely honest. I'm exhausted from feeling like every confession only came after I confronted you. I'm exhausted from wondering how much of the truth I'm still missing because you've spent so much time minimizing, backtracking, and protecting yourself instead of protecting me.

What hurts me isn't just what you admitted. It's everything I feel like you're still hiding.
I don't believe this was just "sea goggles." Maybe deployment made temptation stronger. Maybe it made boundaries easier to cross.

But "sea goggles" didn't make you call another woman your work wife. They didn't make you spend an entire month thinking about having sex with her. They didn't make you kiss her. They didn't make you let her touch you. They didn't make you touch her. They didn't make you fantasize about her. They didn't make you imagine what would happen if she got pregnant or talk about hiding it.

Those were choices that you made.
I feel like you've hidden the depth of your emotional attachment to her because admitting it would force you to admit how far this really went. I don't think this was just physical. I don't think this was just emotional. I believe it became a relationship. Maybe you'll never agree with me, but that's what my heart has believed for a long time.

One of the things I can't get past is that it doesn't feel like this relationship ended because you chose me. It feels like it ended because everything around it fell apart.
You came home early from deployment, and you were still talking to her. So when you tell me now that it was nothing, or that it was just "sea goggles," how am I supposed to believe that?

If it was just a deployment fantasy, why didn't it stay on deployment? Why was she still part of your life after you came home?
You never came right out and said, "If AP had acted differently, I would've kept talking to her."

But you didn't have to.

The way you talked about everything, the way you continued communicating with her after you got home, and the way you've handled all of this ever since makes me feel like if she hadn't blown everything up, you would've continued that relationship.

That's what my heart believes.

And that's one of the hardest things for me to live with because it makes me feel like I wasn't the one you chose. It makes me feel like circumstances made the decision for you before you ever had to.

What breaks my heart even more is feeling like your loyalty was with her instead of with me.

I feel like you protected her.

You protected her feelings.

You protected that relationship.

You protected your image.

But you didn't protect your wife.

And you didn't just bring another woman into our marriage.

You brought her child into our home and put me in a position I never should have been in.

You had me caring for your affair partner's child. You lied to me and manipulated me into taking on that responsibility while I was completely unaware of the full reality of what was happening between you and her.

Do you understand what that did to me?

I was taking care of a child connected to a woman who was involved with my husband while I was being kept in the dark about the depth of that relationship.

And because I was the one providing a home and taking on that responsibility, I was also the one who had to deal with the disrespect that came with it.

I feel like AP became entitled to our home, our space, our generosity, and even access to you because you allowed that dynamic to exist.

And every time I tried to establish boundaries or shut the disrespect down, I felt like you protected her instead of me.

That hurt.

It still hurts.

Because I shouldn't have had to fight my own husband to feel protected in my own home.
You allowed another woman to disrespect me, and then you made me feel like I was wrong for reacting to it.

You let her become comfortable enough to believe she had some kind of place in our lives that she had no right to have.

And I was left to fend for myself.

That's not new, either.

You've always had a way of protecting other people before you protect me. You protect other people's feelings. You worry about how other people perceive you. You worry about being the bad guy. You worry about hurting other people.

But somehow, I'm the one who is expected to take the hit.

I'm the one who is expected to understand.

I'm the one who is expected to forgive.

I'm the one who is expected to be strong.

I'm the one who is left to fend for myself.

And I'm tired of it.

I keep asking myself why it seemed so easy for you to make another woman feel important while I've spent years trying to teach you how to love me, value me, and protect me.

That's one of the most painful parts of all of this.

I feel like I've spent years explaining to my own husband what emotional safety looks like. What loyalty looks like. What protecting your wife looks like. What choosing your marriage looks like.

Why?

Why did I have to teach you those things?

Why did another woman get the version of you that I've been asking for?

Make that make sense.

Then there's the timing that I can't escape.
Around the same time I lost our baby, you were building whatever this was with her.
While I was grieving one of the biggest losses of my life, you were emotionally and physically investing in someone else.

I don't know if you'll ever understand how deeply that broke me.

Now every time I think about our baby, I also think about what was happening between you and her during that same period.

Those memories are tied together forever.
You changed something inside of me.

I used to feel safe with you.

Now I question everything.

I question my instincts.

I question what was real.

I question whether I'll ever know the full truth.

I question whether you would've ever stopped if things hadn't fallen apart.
And the hardest part is that I don't think you understand why I question those things.
You say you don't want me to look at you differently.

How could I not?

The man I thought would protect me became the man who hurt me the most.

You were supposed to be my safe place.

You were supposed to be my protector.

You were supposed to be my hero.

Instead, in one of the darkest chapters of my life, you became the villain.

Maybe that's hard for you to read.

Imagine how hard it's been for me to live it.
What hurts almost as much as the affair itself is everything that's happened afterward.
Instead of helping me feel safe, I feel like you've continued to make me question my own reality.

I'm not asking you to convince me anymore.
I'm asking you to stop making me question my own reality.

I'm asking you to stop minimizing what happened.

I'm asking you to stop making me feel like I'm crazy for seeing things the way I do.
I'm asking you to understand that trust isn't rebuilt by telling me to move on.

Trust is rebuilt by honesty.

By consistency.

By transparency.

By accountability.

By choosing me every single day, especially when it's uncomfortable.

I also need you to understand something else.

I don't believe you're evil.

I believe you've become someone who centered himself in every part of this story.
You've been the villain because of the choices you made.

You've been the victim because of the consequences of those choices.
But somewhere in all of that, I got lost.

My grief got lost.

My heartbreak got lost.

My healing got lost.

I was left carrying the destruction while you wanted things to go back to normal.

They can't.

That marriage is gone.

I do believe in redemption.

I believe people can change.

I believe marriages can survive betrayal.
But redemption isn't something you ask me to hand you.

You earn it.

You earn it every single day by telling the truth, even when it's ugly.

By choosing transparency over self-protection.

By sitting with my pain instead of running from it.

By making me feel emotionally safe again.
By protecting me with the same determination you once used to protect your secrets.

I'm done teaching you how to love me.

I'm done teaching you how to value me.

I'm done teaching you how to protect me.

I need you to decide whether you actually want to become that man—not because you're afraid of losing me, not because you're tired of talking about this, but because you genuinely understand what your choices did to me.

I still love you.

That's why this hurts so much.

But loving you no longer means abandoning myself.

For the first time, I'm choosing to honor my own pain instead of pretending it doesn't exist.

This is my reality.

This is what your choices have felt like to me.
Whether you agree with every conclusion I've reached or not, these feelings are real.
And I need you to finally see them.

— Betrayed spouse

My husband is active-duty military and I’m a civilian. We’ve been married for 4 years, but we’ve lived apart for 3 of those 4 years.

We technically have a joint bank account, but there is nothing in it. My husband has another bank account that was joint with his mother throughout most of our marriage. She only came off that account about 6 months ago.

He has been receiving overseas BAH, which goes directly into his bank account. . He has never added me or our child to his orders. We recently had to evacuate because of the war, but because we weren’t command sponsored, we didn’t receive per diem so we had to stay with relatives as he did not want to pay for us to stay in our safe haven. We have shared Amex cards that I use for expenses, but I have no access to or control over any actual money. I don’t have access to his bank account, savings, or the money he receives from the military. His mom had access to this until recently.

I’m starting to realize how financially vulnerable this leaves me, but I genuinely don’t know what I should be doing or what my rights are as a military spouse.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What should I be doing to protect myself financially, and are there military resources I should be speaking to?

edit: maybe my title is misleading, i have not separated or divorced him. i simply have just traveled back to my home state to finish my degree.

a little bit of a backstory: my husband (21m) and i (21f), have been together for 5 years and married for almost 2 (next month). we are high school sweethearts and have been together almost every day since we started dating. he is my best friend and i love him more and more every day. he joined the army after we graduated and that was rough due to him being stationed across the united states. we have been on and off long distance for a while in the three years he has been serving. i have been in college this whole time (i see him maybe twice a year at most).

now for the vent: i had spent my entire summer vacation
with him in his state from may-august. i am about to graduate early this december, and i am incredibly frustrated because i could have signed up for classes that were fully online, so i could just stay with him and fly down for graduation. i hate leaving and feel like a part of me is missing and i am so incredibly empty. i’m trying to finish my degree while dealing with the grief and heartache of being 2,000 miles away from my whole world.

i don’t know what i am looking for posting this. i’m just so lost and i feel insane. i am so sorry for any wrong grammar or punctuation, i am an absolute wreck right now on the airplane home. thank you so much for taking the time to read!

So my husband is currently in bmt but i am wondering, once he goes to tech school, when he will be able to have weekends off and also have his phone. i know it doesn’t happen instantly but based on your experience, when did that begin to be allowed?

I just have plans to see him anytime i can and i hope that’s allowed sooner than later.

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My military spouse has been deployed for a year and I’m struggling with sexual urges, any tips ?
Just want to know how yall dealt with the sexual deprivation that comes with the distance.