u/-intheTwilightZone-

There is a tendency to label everyone who has been in an abusive relationship as codependent. This can be a form of victim blaming. (Posted this in another sub for those who were abused by someone with narcissistic tendencies)

It’s not true. I (21f) was abused physically and emotionally by someone who indeed called me codependent and denied his abuse. No therapist or social worker I have ever worked with after this abusive relationship has labeled me as such, even after I’ve asked.

1.) Codependency is something that shows up in multiple relationships, not just one. I am not a relationship dependent person or someone who always needs to please or needs others to like me or depend on me. I don’t always or usually need a boyfriend or even friends. I don’t always or even usually need to take care of others or feels good thinking they need me to care of them. I’m also not a relationship hopper/monkey brancher and am more than comfortable being alone.
2.) There were abusive physical and mental consequences for not anticipating the needs of my ex and pleasing. After I stopped doing what he wanted I was physically abused, he would lie to others about me, and he’d isolate me. There were also consequences for leaving him: after the relationship I was smeared on social media, to professors, to friends. I came back to my last year of university completely isolated. I was trying to do whatever kept me away from his violence and from his manipulation and sabotage. Leaving was not always safe and neither was saying no.
3.) I have never had an incessant desire to be in a relationship or take care of someone else. However, like I said, if I didn’t there were consequences from my ex.
4.) Before him and his abuse I was confident and independent, after him and being treated for trauma I am confident and independent again.
5.) There is a difference between being in a trauma bond and being a codependent person.
6.) Now that I am away from him I am physically and emotionally safe to only have to worry about myself and not have to worry about being coerced and threatened into doing everything for someone else. I’m no longer forced to play a part or exaggerate my love. I am safe. Fawning, fright, flight, and freezing all failed to work in my relationship with my abusive ex.

I’ve noticed that in this community and in others there is a tendency to label all victims of domestic violence and intimate partner violence as codependent when 1.) we were only in our relationship and not any else’s relationship and only know what others shared online (we don’t know all of the details or their entire lives) 2.) you are not a therapist and if you are, the victims of domestic violence coming for support are not your clients. 3.) some of you are really codependent and it’s not a healthy way to treat others. 4.) it’s best to label yourselves and not others in these communities and you all should be working with therapists and no alone when labeling yourselves.

Mini-rant I guess. Maybe other victims of intimate partner violence will relate.

I (21f) was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. A large part of the relationship consisted of him isolating me from my friends. It started off where I wasn’t allowed to talk to my friends or his friends that became mine about his behavior. He would question me about it and said that they looked at him like a monster after they saw how cruel his messages to me were. I never sought support for the abuse from then after that.

I said okay and that I expected the same to apply to him, but it never did. He would lie to my friends and his about events that happened, things I said. He also created his on narrative about me that wasn’t true and everyone believed him.
When I came forward about the abuse no one believed me. I lost my support group.

After the relationship ended he posted about me on social media, amped up the lies and half truths and I lost mentors, guidance from professors, opportunities and most importantly my friends and support group. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.

If I date again I want to keep my friends separate from my partner. I never want to jeopardize my support group again. However, people say that’s a red flag and that they may feel like I’m hiding them. I plan to be transparent about the reason why, but I don’t know what to do.

So what do I do?

If he becomes friends with mine I will just go out of my way to make more friends that he does not know. I want to keep myself safe in the future and I’m not sure how.

I plan on having a power of attorney that is not my spouse in case I’m in any sort of medical emergency or freak accident.

I plan on setting boundaries that I will not be in a relationship with someone who yells at me, lies to me, lies about me, throws things or hits things in anger, or is violent with me or threatens violence.

I also will make it clear that I will not be with someone who goes through my phone and I will also will not be doing this. I will also not permanently share my location with them and also do not want theirs.

My ex set a rule that porn is cheating, yet he was always using it. I will have a boundary that I will not be with someone who uses pornography and I will also not be going so.

I will not give ultimatums, but I will be clear about my boundaries in the beginning and leave once they are broken or at early signs of disrespect.

I also will be clear that I am not their caretakers. They can and will take care of themselves as I can take care of myself. I don’t want to be physical threatened or manipulated into playing mommy again. I will be doing things for them because I care to, not because of the expectation or demand and I will not take care of someone else if I’m not cared for.

Is this extreme? I felt this way before I was abused, but afterwards it sometimes feels like I’m expecting too much. Idk. I don’t mind being single forever. These are my non-negotiable if I do date again, but the keeping friends separate seems impossible.

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable and be as honest as possible.

Are priests trained in things like that? I (21f) recently graduated from a Catholic university. While there I experienced intimate partner violence and emotional abuse by my then boyfriend. I reported it to a well known priest who worked at my school, he had a close relationship with my ex and his family. I thought he’d be impartial or care, but he pressured me not to come forward and blamed me for it. He then gossiped about me.

I made a complaint about him at my school and they found wrongdoing, they also say that I wasn’t the first person he did that to. That really hurt, because it was like they didn’t care and kept him around allowing it to happen to me. I got a no-contact order for my ex, but by then it was too late. My school is associated with a specific order and they told me that the (order) already had the complaint.

When I called the person in charge of handling complaints she told me they actually didn’t have it and asked for permission to work with the school. All my attempts at getting justice failed and the priest has been rewarding my ex and isolated me after I reported.

The school said they spoke to him, but that didn’t work the last few times and he’s continued to do so. I stayed in a relationship where there was violence because I didn’t know I deserved better. I believed that priest.

I need spiritual advice. It’s hard to find a therapist that’s also Catholic and well versed in theology and regular therapy is not cutting it. I joined the church while in college and know that I’m home I don’t have a parish to call my own. I’ve been away from the church since my last confession a year ago. I’ve been to 2 Mass services in the last year. I feel like God does not want me.

I wasn’t born Catholic and maybe joining the church upset him and then I deserved to be abused. Maybe my ex is favored and that’s why he hasn’t faced consequences for what he has done and I should accept that. I don’t have Catholic family so maybe it was never meant for me, my ex does and the priest does. Maybe God just doesn’t care about me and maybe he doesn’t love everyone. Maybe he enjoyed watching me suffer. I don’t know. The litany of humility does not change the pain I feel from the grave injustice of all of this.

I want to share how I feel with a priest, but I’m scared I’ll just get told the same thing the last priest told me. If I deserved it and my ex is favored then fine, but it’s strange that it’s a mortal sin to commit suicide when my destination is hell anyway.

Can I just call a priest at the local parish and ask for spiritual advice and a longer confession? Should I go to traditional confession? Do I have to be a member of that parish to call and ask? I don’t want to bother a priest, but I also need help. I feel bad for not going to Mass, but at the same time it’s like the last three years of my life have shown me that I’m not wanted there and will get punished for going. If I do find someone will they be insulted when I explain why I’m scared of priests and don’t trust them? I want to trust them and God, but I can’t. I also don’t want to annoy them. I’m sorry if this question doesn’t fit this subreddit.

I spent my sophomore and junior year in a relationship that was very abusive. He was physically violent and emotionally abusive.

During my last year I finally broke down and told someone at the Women’s Center about the abuse and shared screenshots about the abuse and of when my abuser would threaten to kill himself when confronted with his behavior. I got a referral for a no-contact order and it was put into effect.

Before that, during my junior year I started meeting with someone in Dean of Students office because I was very suicidal, but didn’t confide in her about the abuse until I felt safe enough to do so.

After the no contact order was in place, I found out my abuser started meeting with the same person I was meeting with in the Dean of Students office after the order was put into place. He was aware I was meeting with her for my suicidal ideation while I was still in the relationship.

Then I noticed that she began to quote his words at me and the same false accusations and narratives that he used as an excuse for his violence. She never said she was meeting with him, but I had already found out and then she started mentioning things only my abuser knew he’d say to me.

She also knew that I refused to meet with anyone who was also meeting with and supporting my abuser because they were not safe people for me to be around mentally and in the worse case scenario physically.

This caused extreme distress and I was very scared, but I did not say anything and continued meeting with her because I felt like I had to. I also felt that if I stopped meeting with her it would only serve my abuser. I wasn’t disrespectful, I remained kind, but was a lot more selective about what I shared and never told her that I knew. After all, while not all of the behavior was appropriate, it’s her job. My abuser could have been genuinely suicidal, and I’m glad he got help, but he was also lying and was abusive to me.

After the relationship ended he was posting about me on social media and made his account public to do so, he lied about me to both my friends, his friends, staff members I considered mentors, and I came back my last year completely isolated. The no-contact order only stopped some of this behavior.

After working with non-BC affiliated therapists and social workers I have realized that what I experienced is called Post-Separation abuse and it was an attempt for my abuser to internally set his narrative and shield himself from accountability.

I would recommend that anyone at BC going through domestic violence to not only rely on BC staff, because post-separation abuse can also involve utilizing them.

Get outside help: a therapist, support from domestic violence advocates in the Boston area, join online support groups, even a lawyer would have been helpful in my situation.

Also collect evidence, I was too scared to file a police report and didn’t think they would care while in the relationship. After leaving the relationship, I saved all of our messages, photos, and got call logs from my phone provider corroborating the abuse and timeline. This evidence is useful because it allowed me to disprove the narrative that my abuser set and that was being regurgitated to me by a DOS staff member.

Overall, do not think that a no-contact order and ending the relationship stops the abusive behavior. Post-separation abuse is real and serious, and BC staff even in the DOS office and women’s center, are not infallible. Just be careful. Now that I have graduated I feel safe enough to speak out, and I just want other survivors to be strong enough to come forward and also be mindful of how post-separation abuse can work in a university setting. Also, if your abuser has threatened to kill themselves it does not give them permission to lie about you, push you, throw your things, throw things at you, or sexually abuse you ever.

If anyone needs help finding affordable or free support that doesn’t involve BC staff I can leave some links in the comments. BC is a very good school and outside of a few bad apples has very good staff. The people I worked with cared and tried their best, but abusers often use any tool they have and they are also capable of being manipulated.

I was in an abusive relationship where I experienced violence. After the relationship he lied to many and I lost friends, mentors, and my support group generally while at University.

I requested and got a no-contact order at my University, but it’s up now that I’ve graduated.

I’m scared to use LinkedIn because of the information on there and keeping it incredibly private makes searching for jobs there difficult. I did find a job, but it’s not one I want forever.

I deleted all social media accounts he knew about. I have a new one with no pfp.

It’s just hard because I want to stay safe, I don’t want new jobs sabotaged or friends to be harassed or be subjected to his lies. I know social media is not necessary and it wasn’t something I felt like I needed before being abused, but now it just feels incredibly isolating and like an extension of the coerced isolation I already experienced.

I want to try to use it LinkedIn and social media while protecting my privacy, but I’m scared he’ll be able to find me. Do I need my location, current job information and profile picture on LinkedIn to get the most of its use and to get jobs to respond? Can someone dumb down the privacy settings, I think I have them all maxed out. Also a larger question, but to any of you who have experienced similar abusive relationships, how did you protect yourselves going forward?

I want him to have to pay for the things he did: for pinching me during sex (I let him slap me and that violence wasn’t even enough for him. I thought I was creating a safety net by letting him hit me during sex so that he wouldn’t hit me outside of it and it didn’t work), pushing me into the street, pushing me so often, grabbing me, throwing my things, throwing porcelain past my head and it shattered against the wall, lying and saying I did things he did, cheating, isolating me, smearing my name, etc.

I want his mother to pay for telling me not to tell anyone, for telling me not to call the police, for telling others that it was my fault.

I want the priest at my university who called his mother and pressured me into not reporting to have consequences. He held opportunities over my head, there was an unsaid threat to take them away (which he eventually did), he gossiped about me and joined in on the bullying of my abuser and his supporters. I reported the priest and was told his behavior is wrong but he has no consequences for being a proponent and extension of domestic abuse.

I want all of my former friends who remained friends with my abuser, refused to look at my proof and gossiped about me all year to have consequences for supporting his abuse.

I want justice. The list of his supporters and people who covered up his behavior seems endless. I was treated so terribly and wanted to die constantly and they all knew this.

The church played a role in covering up the abuse. To other Catholics: be carefully at Catholic universities and be weary about confiding in priests, the bottom line in many places is protect the priest/church not the victims. Just be careful.

I want justice, but it’s like there are so many powerful people making it impossible. Getting a no-contact order for my ex didn’t help. Reporting the priest didn’t help. Both things made everything worse. I want justice and I’m trying everything in my power to get it. I don’t know what else to do.

I agreed that I was yelling when I was whispering or even speaking normally so that he could have justification for his violence towards me and not get more violent.

I agreed that it was my fault he was cheating because I looked through his phone and found it and that was wrong and deserving of what happened.

I agreed that I was the only person that made him that angry and that I deserved it.

I agreed that it’s my fault he ruined both of my birthdays I spent with him and other important life events.

I agreed to so much that by the time I tried to call out his abuse he already had his narrative of half truths, his lies, my lies that I said to protect myself from his violence. It’s so unfair, but I was trapped.

Did anyone else do the same?

No one believed me. I have evidence. When they believe the violence they then move the goal post so that it somehow still is my fault. The smear campaign was awful, but no one even came to me to ask my side of the story. It’s disgusting. Then they masquerade as good people. It’s so cruel and devastating. I didn’t even go around telling everyone outside of authority figures the truth so that I could remain safe, but they could have asked instead of spreading lies or they could have said nothing at all.

Why do so many people defend domestic abusers and then even participate in their emotional abuse and isolation? Even before I was in an abusive relationship I never did something like this. I never joined in on their abuse or with the abuser. So I just don’t get it.

No one believed the violence. When I proved it, they, in unison with my abuser, accused me of provoking it by yelling at him. But I didn’t yell before he was violent. Every time he was violent I was just speaking calmly sometimes even whispering asking why he would do the cruel abusive things he would do.

When I did yell at him, he was already yelling at me or once I yelled “don’t say that” (not angry but shocked and disgusted) when he said “Jews really do rule the world.”

These people jumped through logical and ethical hoops to defend and protect him, yet they still masquerade as good people. Enablers are worse than the abusers at times, because at least they are pathologically disordered.

I recently graduated from a Catholic university. While attending that school I was in a relationship where I experienced domestic violence. This person is praised on campus and has a mother that got heavily involved in our relationship. She has close ties with the head of an office on campus (this person is a priest). She also has close ties with the head of campus ministry and the leaders of a campus club/organization. She lives 2 hours away from campus and my family lives halfway across the country. From the beginning of our relationship she was insistent on calling me often and staying in touch. I didn’t have much of a support group so I trusted it. I now know it was not an innocent suggestion.

As the domestic violence and coercive control began to start, I would get calls from her after he was violent telling me not to tell anyone and not to tell my parents. I went to a priest on campus to report what was going on and my confusion after he broke up with me because I didn’t do his laundry on time. He then berated me for saying that I thought my ex was using me. He told me not to tell anyone about the abuse including my parents. He then called my ex’s mother and they both berated me for the same thing. This priest and my ex’s mother knew I was suicidal. They did nothing. After the relationship ended I was falsely accused of doing everything my ex did. I now know this to be called DARVO. This priest was also gossiping about me to other students. I got a no-contact order for my ex but by then the damage was already done. I reported the priest to the harassment office. They acknowledged his wrong doing, his inappropriate behavior, and the abuse of my ex. They said that I shouldn’t be surprised is he doesn’t have his job, but the priest still has his job. It was also acknowledged that it wasn’t the first time the priest did something like this. He gave my abuser a job on campus and rewarded him in other ways.

There was no justice served in my case. I was terrified to report the abuse due to the thinly veiled threats and the prediction that I’d face false accusations. All my fears came true anyway. I feel like if the school fired him the first few times he was reported I wouldn’t have had to suffer for so long. He knew I was suicidal. If I hadn’t forced myself into the women’s center, hoping that no one there was apart of his abusive circle I probably would be dead right now. It shouldn’t have gotten that far. I reached out to journalists and for some reason they seem interested and see the wrongdoing. I was convinced not to report it for so long I began to think it was normal and that I deserved it.

However, my ex went to great extremes to isolate me. I was lied on to professors, friends, mentors etc. Even though my schools women’s center saw proof of the abuse and the harassment office saw wrongdoing, they had no way to undo the social smear campaign. My ex and his family are well connected and my family is not. It is a top ranking university and they have ties with people with extreme wealth. My family doesn’t have these ties. I’m expecting to be harassed, doxxed, lied on, and bullied all over again and to a more severe extreme. Im also worried about physical retaliation. I’m ready to fight back, but with his ties and crafted narrative most will assume at best that the abuse was mutual even though it wasn’t true. Is reporting it worth it? I’m scared the next girl won’t make it so far and she’ll end up dead by her own hands or her abusers or maybe she’ll have to drop out. It’s not fair. Should I do it? I know of worse things this priest has done (like convincing two girls not to report a rapist and then inviting the rapist on a school sponsored trip) and it has to stop. I just don’t know if I’m ignoring the dangers by being too focused on justice. Please give blunt advice. I could really use it.

I also posted on another sub hoping to get more advice. I was in a 1.5 year long relationship with someone who abused me mentally, physically and emotionally. I was isolated and smeared. We broke up last year before my last year at uni. I asked him to block me because, at the time the hoovering would have worked. He then said that breaking up was an example of me always putting my feelings first. I felt guilty like always and begged for another chance. Then the smear campaign started and I begged and begged even more because I couldn’t deal with being so isolated at a uni far from home. His mom and a priest at the uni told me not to report the abuse and not to tell my parents. Every time he was violent I’d get a call to that effect.

In my last year at Uni, I reported the priest and wrongdoing was found and acknowledged, but no consequences because it’s up to the Catholic order to decide not the Uni itself. I also got a no-contact order from my ex because his mom was still reaching out and he was still smiling and smirking at me every time he saw me on campus despite telling everyone how awful I was. The smear campaign ramped up after this. He must have felt exposed.

How likely is the Hoover? His smear campaign was believed my so many I’m scared to ever make new friends and grow. I live 12+ hours away now. I don’t have public social media. It’s not findable. I have blocked him and all of his accounts as well as almost 600 other people connected to him. I changed my number. I deleted all accounts they knew about. I want him to fear reaching out in case of consequences.

The no-contact order doesn’t apply outside of campus and I just graduated. I have no desire to be back with him. I see how evil he was clearly now. If he reached out I am confident enough to say I will not fall for the same charm and pity loops. I view him, his body and his words as an active threat.

What else can I do to minimize the risk. He has found a way to circumvent preventions before. I don’t know how, but I don’t want it to happen again. I tried making consequences for his enablers by reporting the priest, but that didn’t stop him either. What else did you all do to keep safe? If I’m being dramatic please tell me, but I think we all know the lengths they are capable of going to.

I had a stay-away order while on campus, but I just graduated. I’m in a different state. I’ve blocked them on social media, all mutual friends, and as many of their followers and following list as I’ve could. I am almost unfindable on social media. What am I missing and what more can I do to keep them away? I want them to stop completely. The smear campaign and lies poisoned many. I no longer have access to the women’s or student center that helped. The smear campaign, physical and psychological abuse was incredibly calculated for so long. It’s like they are always steps ahead. They used to say “I know you better than you know yourself.” I didn’t realize how evil that statement was until after I left. I want to protect myself. Any advice?

Any mention of their violence, lying, or manipulation is met with “you’re not perfect” as a way to deflect from their behavior. I have never once claimed to be perfect and I have never thought that I am, yet I am treated as if I have made such claims. He has told other people that I think I’m perfect as well and the cycle spreads and continues. It frames the abuse as mutual when it never was. Is anyone else familiar with this behavior?

Hi everyone. A close friend of mine of almost a decade was recently diagnosed a few months ago. We’re early 20s. In the past few months we’ve confessed feelings for one another. We had a falling out a few months ago due to them being unkind. I now know it was during an episode and not representative of their character.

We reconnected as friends but we once again acknowledged our feelings for one another. Since reconnecting they explained they are now medicated and said their feelings for me are real.

The romantic relationship aside, I am just worried about my friend. They have been ghosting me for weeks. They were active on social media so I reached out asking if I did anything wrong and if they were okay, but they only read my messages which is out of character for them. I sent a follow up about a week later saying that it was okay if they didn’t want to talk and that I hope they’re okay. I also said that if they’d like to end or take a break from our relationship it’d be okay because I’d like them to take care of themselves and be happy. This message was not read.

We talk fairly often and always get back to one another. I am worried they are going through a depressive or hypomanic episode. I’d like to tell them that if they ever want to reconnect, we’d could pick up where we left off as friends and I’d harbor no ill-will. I miss them, but I understand how jarring this condition could be and how much their life has changed so quickly. I just want them to understand that I’m not angry and that there is no pressure to reconnect and that we can be friends again if or when they’re interested and ready. It’s been awhile since my last message. Is no message best? Should I wait a month? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!