u/87-percent-gay

I recently left and my experiences there have been extremely mixed. I was wondering how other people like it there?

What is the program like? I mean their 28 day respite program specifically!

If anyone has any links to him being on the show please send them my way!

I was very close to commiting suicide.

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I had a date chosen and marked on my phone's calendar. A method chosen. I was seeking ways to obtain that method. I wrote a note to my Mom. I was hiding this information from my mental health treatment team and was having thoughts that I either had to start lying to my providers or stop going to appointments to avoid involuntary hospitalization when I was going to start obtaining the means.

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I went to a 28 day crisis residence where I'm staying now but my discharge is Tuesday. I go back to my apartment. I live alone. I rarely leave my apartment outside of appointments. I have zero friends. Families really complicated. I don't do basic self care like shower or brush my teeth unless I'm leaving the apartment. It's such a mess. There's still garbage bags of heat treated laundry and blankets and such on the floor from when I had bedbugs. They've been gone for over three months. My apartment is so gross. On a semi regular basis I don't eat until like 7pm where I get so nauseous that I feel like I need to throw up and need to eat slowly at first but then devour the whole kitchen. I was only taking my meds half the time. I'm trans and stopped taking my hrt over a year ago because I felt like I didn't deserve things that make me happy. I smoke weed all day and barely leave bed. I give myself 2nd degree burns regularly. I'm not functioning. I am very very very isolated and that was honestly the driving factor in how suicidal I was getting, Being really inconsistent with my meds probably didn't help either.

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My baseline is daily thoughts of suicide or dying but much less specific and scary. I'm closer to baseline suicidal thoughts and have committed to living but I'm so scared to go home. I genuinely do not want to go home. I don't miss my apartment at all. If I could stay in this crisis residence indefinitely I would. The situation was very unsafe and I didn't realize how dangerous it was truly getting until I was out of it. I don't want to go back to my apartment. I'm so alone there. I can't think about going home for too long or I start crying. I'm so pathetic.

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I'm on the wait-list for a community residence but I honestly don't know if I'm willing to lose that level of autonomy. At the same time living alone is NOT sustainable for me whatsoever. Living with family isn't an option. I have no other options. I feel like I'm grieving a life where I'm able to manage living on my own or a life where I could live with family or support myself and have roommates. I'm grieving a support system Ive never had but always deeply craved.

I'm really focusing on allowing myself comfort while I'm there. Toiletries and bedding and such is included. I've been there before and they allow everything that I've packed

Extended duffle bag:

Clothing (mainly my usual attire, hoodies and basketball shorts or sweats, but also some T-shirts and underwear and stuff)

Stuffed animals

Extra pair of shoes

Extra charger

Sketch book

Extra bookbag:

Laptop + charger

Switch lite in case + games

5ish coloring books

2 bags of Markers

Crayons

A bunch of fidgets

Origami paper

Tarot cards

Probably some other stuff I'm forgetting

Small blanket strapped to the front

Rolling tobacco, tubes, and cigarette machine

My daily bookbag:

2 journals

File folder (for my group program)

1 coloring book

1 bag of markers

1 case of markers

More fidgets

Things I put in day of will go in there too like wallet, keys, my stuffed bear I sleep with, more fidgets I'm using in the meantime, my vapes

I also have a dino stuffed animal I want to put in day of so I can keep him on my bed for now but that should fit in the extended duffle bag with the other stuffed animals

Thank you please tell me if I'm forgetting anything!

I guess what I told them today technically constitutes a plan but I have no actual intent so I'm not at the point of involuntary hospitalization. This is like the third appointment in a row we talked about inpatient. If things escalated to a point where I thought I'd be involuntarily hospitalized I'm scared I'd lie to my treatment team. I'm normally really really honest with them. I meet with my psychiatrist every other week but my therapist was worried enough they reached out to my psychiatrist and we're meeting again next week instead of the following.

Things for me have been really difficult for a really long time. I deal with a lot of mental health issues, suicidal ideation, self harm, etc etc. So many people talk about how religion and believing in something bigger than yourself can be such a life changing thing. I've always considered myself agnostic, but I was baptized Christian as a child but never learned much about religion even then. Please help me.

I think Jamie being nonbinary would have been really cool full circle from the ambiguity around his birth. Kelly's a really interesting and fun character, but I think it was a missed opportunity and they should have done something else with the youngest