u/Aggressive_Secret589

he fucking thought about it. he looked up how to do it to me before he did it.
I literally seen it on his search history, years ago - and I'm just now putting two and two together
He pre-meditated it god damn it.
I can't
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to process it
He fucking thought about it. It wasn't impulsive. He thought about it. He wanted this. Why the fuck would he think about it??? Why the fuck would he watch videos on YouTube on how to use the ropes??? Why did he want to do that to me?? Why DID he do that to me???

Disclaimer - I am not trying to self diagnose, I am simply suspecting, not diagnosing

A brief explanation on some of the things that I am dealing with:

So, for as long as I can remember - I have always struggled with multiple forms of trauma. I am still currently in an active traumatic situation with my living situations as of now - I have an abusive family, and all of them are perpetrators for multiple kinds of abuse
I have been told that I am dealing with something called active trauma - which, is self explanatory
But, I've noticed a rapid increase of my trauma response symptoms and triggers/stressors. I have began to think about multiple traumatic events in my life during a random time - even as soon as I wake up, and it will upset me greatly. I will feel my chest and throat tighten, I will feel weak, and heavy in my own body - my breaths will be from the chest, and they'll be shallow. When I try and talk about it, my hands and legs shake - and I almost instantly begin to cry - which, is why I normally keep silent, and just sit with it
I have nightmares occasionally about it - symbolism mostly, I know that it's symbolism of a traumatic event that happened because I'll wake up feeling distressed, sometimes even crying - I smell things like cigarette smoke and I feel my chest tighten - I'm guessing it's a trigger for me because all of my perpetrators smoke, and most kinds of smoke smell similar in some way
I am extremely emotionally dysregulated at times whenever I am feeling emotional - when I'm emotional, it's either I'm completely numb, or either hysterically sad, or angry. I also don't really remember anything good from my childhood - maybe one or two things - but most of it was bad
There can be times where I'll be depressed for weeks maybe even a month or two - but that's probably something different for a different day
As I've briefly mentioned, I have somatic trauma symptoms - shaking, sweating, stomach aches, back pain, migraines, etc
I have an extreme fear of abandonment and whenever I feel that it's there, I will emotionally distance myself from them because I feel like I need to prepare for abandonment
I can't really understand reassurance, nor comfort - most of the time, it doesn't give me any solace, as much as I want it - as much as I want someone to make a fuss about me when I'm feeling bad, it doesn't give me much solace
I often try to isolate myself. I have emotional flashbacks, which those can entail me feeling anything I felt during a specific traumatic event
When I'm getting flashbacks, of course - I will disassociate.
I very often feel that the world is never truly safe, and neither are most people - anything can happen, anyone or anything can turn on you and push you to the ground if they see fit
I often blame myself around my trauma - and I'll sometimes think that it was my fault, or that because I willingly did something after think I was safe, or after I was begged - it was my fault, I have even tricked myself into thinking that I liked some of my traumas because I'm a sick and twisted person

I'm at a constant war with my brain, and I want to know what is wrong with me - I can't go on like this

curious demigirl sounds

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS- I really wonder how I am able to get more comfortable in my own femininity - while I am AFAB (that should be comfortable enough, but okay) I don't really dress fem
Now, I don't mean dressing in frilly dresses or anything (not yet) But, I'm leaning towards andro for now, but also on the more fem side of it - y'know
But, that's besides the point - how do I feel more comfortable in my gender itself? I am completely comfortable in my non-binary part of my gender identity, but I would like to get more comfortable with the fem side too
If you have any tips, please leave them!

here are some of the triggers that may be mentioned: Sexual Abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, household substance abuse, maybe neglect, threats of physical abuse, possible mentions of suicide/self harm, and r@pe

For starters, I'm almost 16, and I have been living with my mother for about 5 1/2 years now - and I used to live with my grandmother, my Nana, and aunt - but my grandmother was an alcoholic

I feel like while there was one or two times of abuse that I remember, it was much better than what I am in now. It probably built character

Brief info on my step father

Since living with my mother and my step father, I have realized multiple different things about them
Plain and simple, my step father is a narc "parent" - not just to me and my elder siblings, but also to my mother. Since I met him, which was a little over a decade ago, he has made my own, and my mother's life worse. This isn't me really feeling sorry for my mother though, I will get to her
My step father has threatened to leave multiple times, saying that he wouldn't care if we starved, or froze to death. He's threatened to slash my mother's tires and bust out her car windows if she tried to leave. The car we have now has a tracker in it. He verbally belittles my siblings and I for not cleaning the entire house all day, or when we do clean - if it isn't up to par. My elder siblings are now adults - and they're still living with us - and I am trying to build my career while still balancing cooking, cleaning, and schoolwork - soon to be early college work for psychology. He yells and says "that's just how I talk - deal with it. My dad did (insert trauma dump) and it taught me not to do (the thing that gave an undeserved punishment)" When I stand up to him verbally belittling me and making me feel incapable of life, I will then be yelled at and tag teamed by him and my mother - and verbally degraded even more.

Info on my mother

My mother — she has a lot to talk about under her belt. She also verbally belittles my siblings and I, mostly me now though since the other two are adults. She has degraded me about how my body looks, whether it be my weight, my acne, my bodily hair, my style - literally anything, and will then gloat about herself. She threatens to hit me and my siblings often so that we stop "having attitude" which is standing up for ourselves. She will get angry when I stand up for myself - and try say that she told me things, when she did not.
With me, because I'm her daughter, she will slap my behind and flick my chest through my shirt and pants, and when I tell her to stop because I don't like it - I will be degraded by her and told that 'I am feeling big' and that she can do what she wants because she birthed me, and my body is hers. She has done it between my legs before too. I don't really know if this part is abuse but - she makes me get her clothes for a shower, to wear to bed, for work, etc every single night - and will wake me up at times if I did not or forgot to grab something for her. Years back, whenever I was actively suicidal - attempting and such, while also harming myself in various ways - she said that she "pitied" me, and yelled at me because of it and threatened to take me to a psych ward to 'scare' my mental illness off- She has outright chosen her husband over her own children. She almost got a divorce with him - until he cried. Let me say that again - UNTIL HE CRIED. And THAT made her stay. I can't ever have any kind of conversation with her without it turning into a fight - and I can't vent to her either because she will always turn it on herself.
When I tried to call her out on some of her behaviors, she blamed it on my therapist and told me "Your therapist is putting these thoughts into your head." yeah... No
She's dyed my hair a couple times - but two times out of the three, she's purposely waterboarded me for fun. And she would also do it to wake me up to clean along with one of my brothers. Once, she made us stay awake for 48 hours to clean until the entire house was clean and up to her standards. An older cousin-in-law would help her force us into that. They would give one another inc3stuous innuendos, and I quite literally realized that part. My mother has only hit me physically a handful of times - she's busted my lip, slapped me across the face 3 times, shoved me against a door because I pushed her away from me because she was too close, even though I immediately apologized after because I genuinely did not mean to do that-
Oh, not to mention - she used to do this thing where she would get on top of me and lick my face, or tickle me until I cried. She hasn't done it for a while, but I know that she'd probably do it again

🍃 is unfortunately legal now - but, my step father grows it in the house, and he, along with my mother and brothers smoke

I think they also sell something called Sub0x0nes- I don't really know what exactly they are
Apparently they help addicts stay off of bad substances
But, I don't think they should be sold

Info on my now adult brothers

I am a victim of COCSA - but, to me, it feels irrelevant to even talk about now because one of the times wasn't even believed by my mother
The other, we actually got the police involved, but it wasn't rape
The unbelieved one was me getting s0domized by my elder brother - I was apparently lying because said perpetrator cried when I had the gut to tell my mother - for her to then turn it on me and talk about a time when something like that happened to her, and told me that it wasn't okay to lie
I didn't lie.

I need to know if any of this is just "character development" for me, and if I'll turn out fine when I hit my mid 30s-
I question myself all of the time, and it's pathetic that I am looking for some kind of validation. But, besides that - I never thought I'd actually talk about this in some form of detail-
I'm honestly debating whether it would be okay to cut contact when I left for good or no
My mother would probably go mad and say something like "When I ☠️, don't come to my funeral because now since you've left, you suddenly hate me."

I have posted this to other subs, and I am hoping for a response-

here are some of the triggers that may be mentioned: Sexual Abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, household substance abuse, maybe neglect, threats of physical abuse, possible mentions of suicide/self harm, and r@pe

For starters, I'm almost 16, and I have been living with my mother for about 5 1/2 years now - and I used to live with my grandmother, my Nana, and aunt - but my grandmother was an alcoholic

I feel like while there was one or two times of abuse that I remember, it was much better than what I am in now. It probably built character

Brief info on my step father

Since living with my mother and my step father, I have realized multiple different things about them
Plain and simple, my step father is a narc "parent" - not just to me and my elder siblings, but also to my mother. Since I met him, which was a little over a decade ago, he has made my own, and my mother's life worse. This isn't me really feeling sorry for my mother though, I will get to her
My step father has threatened to leave multiple times, saying that he wouldn't care if we starved, or froze to death. He's threatened to slash my mother's tires and bust out her car windows if she tried to leave. The car we have now has a tracker in it. He verbally belittles my siblings and I for not cleaning the entire house all day, or when we do clean - if it isn't up to par. My elder siblings are now adults - and they're still living with us - and I am trying to build my career while still balancing cooking, cleaning, and schoolwork - soon to be early college work for psychology. He yells and says "that's just how I talk - deal with it. My dad did (insert trauma dump) and it taught me not to do (the thing that gave an undeserved punishment)" When I stand up to him verbally belittling me and making me feel incapable of life, I will then be yelled at and tag teamed by him and my mother - and verbally degraded even more.

Info on my mother

My mother — she has a lot to talk about under her belt. She also verbally belittles my siblings and I, mostly me now though since the other two are adults. She has degraded me about how my body looks, whether it be my weight, my acne, my bodily hair, my style - literally anything, and will then gloat about herself. She threatens to hit me and my siblings often so that we stop "having attitude" which is standing up for ourselves. She will get angry when I stand up for myself - and try say that she told me things, when she did not.
With me, because I'm her daughter, she will slap my behind and flick my chest through my shirt and pants, and when I tell her to stop because I don't like it - I will be degraded by her and told that 'I am feeling big' and that she can do what she wants because she birthed me, and my body is hers. She has done it between my legs before too. I don't really know if this part is abuse but - she makes me get her clothes for a shower, to wear to bed, for work, etc every single night - and will wake me up at times if I did not or forgot to grab something for her. Years back, whenever I was actively suicidal - attempting and such, while also harming myself in various ways - she said that she "pitied" me, and yelled at me because of it and threatened to take me to a psych ward to 'scare' my mental illness off- She has outright chosen her husband over her own children. She almost got a divorce with him - until he cried. Let me say that again - UNTIL HE CRIED. And THAT made her stay. I can't ever have any kind of conversation with her without it turning into a fight - and I can't vent to her either because she will always turn it on herself.
When I tried to call her out on some of her behaviors, she blamed it on my therapist and told me "Your therapist is putting these thoughts into your head." yeah... No
She's dyed my hair a couple times - but two times out of the three, she's purposely waterboarded me for fun. And she would also do it to wake me up to clean along with one of my brothers. Once, she made us stay awake for 48 hours to clean until the entire house was clean and up to her standards. An older cousin-in-law would help her force us into that. They would give one another inc3stuous innuendos, and I quite literally realized that part. My mother has only hit me physically a handful of times - she's busted my lip, slapped me across the face 3 times, shoved me against a door because I pushed her away from me because she was too close, even though I immediately apologized after because I genuinely did not mean to do that-
Oh, not to mention - she used to do this thing where she would get on top of me and lick my face, or tickle me until I cried. She hasn't done it for a while, but I know that she'd probably do it again

🍃 is unfortunately legal now - but, my step father grows it in the house, and he, along with my mother and brothers smoke

I think they also sell something called Sub0x0nes- I don't really know what exactly they are
Apparently they help addicts stay off of bad substances
But, I don't think they should be sold

Info on my now adult brothers

I am a victim of COCSA - but, to me, it feels irrelevant to even talk about now because one of the times wasn't even believed by my mother
The other, we actually got the police involved, but it wasn't rape
The unbelieved one was me getting s0domized by my elder brother - I was apparently lying because said perpetrator cried when I had the gut to tell my mother - for her to then turn it on me and talk about a time when something like that happened to her, and told me that it wasn't okay to lie
I didn't lie.

I need to know if any of this is just "character development" for me, and if I'll turn out fine when I hit my mid 30s-
I question myself all of the time, and it's pathetic that I am looking for some kind of validation. But, besides that - I never thought I'd actually talk about this in some form of detail-
I'm honestly debating whether it would be okay to cut contact when I left for good or no
My mother would probably go mad and say something like "When I ☠️, don't come to my funeral because now since you've left, you suddenly hate me."

I've always kinda struggled with labels regarding my sexuality - more so, trying to find one that is comfortable with me. I have stuck with pansexual for some time now - but it just feels.. off? Like, my sexuality is so odd. I can date a cis woman, a trans woman, anyone who is non-binary, and also trans individuals as a whole. I can be romantically and sexually attracted to them. My partner, they are apart of the trans community - and I love them very, very much. My question is - can you identify as Sapphic while also having an attraction to trans men? Part of me thinks that it's allowed because I've done a little bit of research on it, and I have seen that you can because being Sapphic is a broader term. I just want to get verification from actual people rather than Google-
Whenever I discover a new possible sexuality that may fit me, I tend to overthink and hyperfixate on it - especially the label of being Sapphic because it feels very comfortable for me. I feel that it's more comfortable because it can include the individual themselves being non-binary or trans - I go by she/they

Edit - I would still be equally attracted to a partner, for example, my partner if they were to get any form of gender affirming surgery to feel more comfortable in their gender (top and/or bottom)
I am just not as attracted to cis men who originally own AMAB genitals-

(if I said anything offensive, PLEASE correct me and I'll make more edits to the post if needed- Sexuality talk is something that I am trying to get used to because I've spent a long amount of my time as being apart of the queer community masking it due to family and such-)

This is a habit that has increased in severity over the years - it started probably whenever I was 5-6 years old
I started biting my nails, that wasn't enough - so I started biting off and eating the skin around my fingers (still do this to this day)
The skin on my fingers wasn't enough - so I'd try to bite my knuckles, that.. Obviously wasn't enough either
So, I started to bite and rip pieces of flesh out of my mouth - I would do this to the point where I would bleed, but I especially like/liked when my mouth or anything that I bit bled because then I could suck the blood from the wound, which.. For some reason - I liked doing, and still do
I used to even cut my tongue on metal just for the taste of blood - it's truly disgusting
I have bitten holes through flesh in my mouth before - it has happened about three times
Two of those times I did while being anxious
I've tried gum, it doesn't help - if anything, I chew around it and sometimes press the gum against the open wound in my mouth.
I have grown to like doing all of this over the years, but part of me also thinks that it is disgusting - and I am unable to stop doing it
My fingers/fingernails aren't in the greatest shape and can barely ever have a chance to grow
The skin on my fingertips peels due to the constant skin trauma

My guess is that it's a self soothing method
And also a really bad habit due to me having Pica
I just don't know what it is with me and liking the taste of my own skin, flesh, and blood so much
It takes a lot for me to even talk about this because of how disgusting I think it is
Edit: It may also be due to my ADHD??

So, my partner and I are interested in trying to find new positions and more BDSM options
My partner is prone to fainting(Vasovagal Syncope and also an iron deficiency), and they have limitations, especially on positions - and they want to explore any positions that are *safer* than most-
I want to make sure that my partner and I can enjoy being intimate and also be safe at the same time
The problem with BDSM is that there are somethings that can be harmful to my partner medically - an example would be needles, sudden pain, blood, etcetera - and while both of us are into those things - we don't want to have a medical emergency. On the pain part, I feel if I tell them before hand if I am going inflict pain, it may help because they can mentally prepare - but I also want to know alternatives that could help.
My partner has a heightened sensitivity to blood, so whenever they smell or taste blood, they are at risk of fainting - if there are any alternatives to that, I'd love to know! I can probably try and shift their focus onto something else whenever it comes to visual and scent things!
If anyone has any ideas, please tell me! I want to ensure pleasure *and* safety!
Also, if there are any ideas for BDSM things, please share them!

I feel that in certain situations, I tend to lack enough empathy for people. *Especially* those who I do not like. Some people that I don't like may have financial, family, or mental health struggles - as do I — but I don't sympathize for them, and often feel like they deserve it because of the kind of person that they are. But, I also know that I probably *should* feel bad for them, but I honestly don't. It's ugly, and it's awful, but I don't feel bad for them. And whenever it comes to my own struggles, I care about them, but I have the "it is what it is, so I don't care *that* much" mentality. I sometimes have to hold back telling people that they deserve X situation because of how they treat other people. I truly hate it, because I *know* that I can be a really nice person, but on the inside, I'm hiding many, many things that tell me different. I feel like an awful person for it. Now, obviously – the me thinking that some person *deserves* a situation varies depending on how severe the situation is. It is mostly a mild situation that happens to the person where I will feel like they deserve it.

An example of this is someone that I know that crosses boundaries and randomly trauma dumps in conversations that I have that they just so happen to overhear. This one time, they were *faking* disassociation. They were pretending to be all mopey and shit about it — and I know damn well that they have their own issues too, but at the same time — I do *not* feel bad for them in the slightest. I feel like they deserve to feel those things because they have done shitty things themselves.

Another example could be my brother who abused me. He got hurt and had to go to the hospital, I didn't feel bad in the slightest - sure maybe I was like "oh shit" but I didn't feel bad for him

I feel like this is semi normal, but at the same time - it feels weird- because I definitely *can* be empathetic at times. Extremely empathetic at that

First and foremost, I will say that I am 15F and I have ADHD
I have been told by my psychiatrist that I show clear symptoms of BPD - but, or course, I can't get a diagnosis due to my age. The same psychiatrist gave me the BD 1 diagnosis, but that doesn't quite align with me since I haven't had an explicit manic episode, and I was previously diagnosed with MDD. I have done "manic aligned" things, but I haven't had an episode of mania. Now, BD 2 might make more sense, but at the same time - it still aligns with mania- but it's "hypomania". I really don't know how I'd be getting a second opinion anyway, truly. I can also give examples of some of the showing symptoms I have whenever it comes to BPD

The symptoms include:
I have a constant shift in self-worth and identity. I often catch myself saying "I don't know who I am as a person, no matter how hard I try to figure it out - I feel like I'll never know"
In my relationship that I am in as of now, I have a tendency to do a push and pull kind of thing. I will idolize my partner and I will think that they are absolutely perfect (which, of course I think they're perfect) but if I feel that I am being abandoned (perceived abandonment) I will *immediately* pull away and think that they want nothing to do with me. I take jabs at myself more than I'd do them, and sometimes I accidentally say things that I do not mean. (Of course, lots of people in relationships will say things that they don't mean, so I feel that might be irrelevant)
I disassociate a lot, especially whenever I am in high stress situations - often times, I will go non-verbal as well
I feel lonely - all of the time. No matter who I am with, if I am not distracted - I feel extremely lonely
In worse cases that I've had, whenever stress and perceived abandonment decide to take hands and skip along inside of my brain - I will think/act impulsively, which likely would lead to self harm or suicidal ideation.
I have intense mood swings - but, that also happens in Bipolar - so again, likely irrelevant
I have multiple cases with abandonment trauma, and I will do multiple things to avoid that perceived abandonment that I get. This stems from high emotional reactions during the imagined abandonment
I mirror people- I will copy vocabulary, movement, humor, etc just to fit in and not feel like an outlier
This leads me to think that I don't truly have any kind of personality and that I don't know who I am
I sometimes have times of inappropriate anger, but it isn't much for outbursts, but rather sarcasm, snippy responses, tone shifts, etc – but this is followed by a deep and nagging guilt that'll bite at me for days after
I often get panic attacks as well when I have imagined abandonment, or multiple small things that lead up to the feeling of abandonment or hurtful feeling that I get
I have found that if I feel the slightest bit of invalidation, I have outbursts and it is awfully tedious to stop said outbursts. After the outbursts and other things that I have mentioned - a feeling of numbness or depression will nag at me for days if not weeks after.

I have always had multiple problems with managing my anger, since pre-adolescence - and I have made a little bit of progress, but still not much
I also get paranoid often (irrelevant: I also get something that I like to call "sleep anxiety" which is where I feel like I am being watched or leered at by something, but I can't see it, only feel it)

As for bipolar symptoms: I show all of them *BESIDES* explicit manic behavior that is prolonged. Bipolar runs extremely heavily in my family, my mother, siblings, aunts, etc all have it. This led my psychiatrist to diagnose me with it, and when I asked what type I had - they told me "I feel like you are more bipolar, type 1 rather than 2." okay then, doctor... Whatever you say😀

Sometimes, I feel like I am simply taking it all, even though I explicitly remember traumas that would've caused these long term difficulties.
My therapist and I are eventually going to start working in a (I think) DBT book - she told me that I show symptoms of BPD as well
I won't self diagnose myself, and this is why I have been getting prolonged confusion about the entire situation
Should I get a second opinion, I'm not sure - should I read the symptoms that I have just now written down to my therapist or psychiatrist? I also don't know.
Am I giving myself some kind of self fulfilled prophecy like an idiot? It's probably a possibility.

Edit: I feel like I don't know who I am - I have trouble telling people about myself, so I avoid the question all together. And, I have this thing where I feel like I don't know who I am without having a disorder of some sort that can explain why I am the way that I am in full without the odds and ends- it becomes hard to understand. I feel like a big question mark-

I was told by some individuals that I am not bipolar considering that I haven't experienced a manic episode. Which yes, I can understand that - but I have been diagnosed with it. I've been worried because I feel like I am someone who is taking a very serious disorder, but I am being medicated and diagnosed for it. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, but I haven't had my first explicit manic episode. I normally experience depression and euythimia rather than full blown mania. But, here's another twist — I am also apparently showing symptoms of BPD (yes, I'm aware that doesn't mean that I specifically *have* it.) But, I'm a minor, which means that I can't get diagnosed. But, they also said that before I got my bipolar diagnosis. It's confusing me and making me spiral. I feel invalidated, but at the same time, I feel like they're right because mania is a significant part of BD. I am beginning to feel like I am faking everything and that I should stop getting so into my own mental health. I feel like I am my own self fulfilled prophecy, but I don't want to be that. It's weird, I feel like I don't know who I am as a person, but I've been in my own body for years. I hate it so much because I don't know what's going on. Not to mention, I have ADHD - and according to my therapist, symptoms in ADHD tie in with *multiple* different disorders, which makes me feel oddly invalid as well. I am very confused about my own medical mental health and my own mental health situation as it is. It's killing me and I've been thinking on it literally all weekend.

I think I should put a trigger warning - there will be mentions of trauma from cocsa with incest

Of course, years after the multiple instances of my brothers hurting me and more recently, my mother - I have seen my body in the shower and such. I have never had the chance to actually *look* at my body with some sort of intention. This goes from just looking at myself in the mirror to going a little deeper and looking at other parts of my body that I was scared of due to the abuse. I'm a female, and I've heard from my mother and other AFAB individuals that it's normal for a girl to look at herself - but in that instance, they'd emphasize the fact that normally it would be done at a younger age instead of a more mature one. For the first time - which was actually today, I **attempted** to look at myself with intention - years after the abuse.
It didn't take long for me to clothe myself once again and curl up in my bed while hugging my shoulders while crying because I felt the odd feeling of feeling like I own my body. I understood bodily autonomy to a certain degree, but not on the more emotional level. It was weird because I wanted to look at myself - but when I did for the first time, I broke out into an emotional mess? Every thought that I thought that I forgot about or ignored it long enough to "go away" came back all at once and I began to feel extremely self conscious about myself again. I remember telling my partner - bless his heart, he's the sweetest - "I thought that I ignored everything well enough. It feels so scary to feel like I own my body. I don't know if I should hate it because I couldn't protect myself from my abusers, or if I should start liking it." It feels so scary, the idea of knowing that my body is completely mine and that no one has any kind of right to it unless I give the say so. It feels like getting to know a stranger, but it's something attached to your body, or it's your own body in general.

Has anyone else had this experience before? If so, would you mind giving me your input or words on it?