u/AnimeEagleScout

"Nice quill What are you neither handed?" Harry asked getting a few laughs from the other Tournament Participants.

"Let's do this interview privately-"

"No I want the world to see what a hack you are!" Harry says "Hey maybe don't the son of a death eater about his bosses killer seems like a conflict of interest. Draco dad is the only person I've ever met who's reached his full potential."

The quill can't keep up with the stream of insults and explosions right there and just then Harry gets a picture of Rita holding it in shock while he's smiling next to her.

"Keep going." One of the other people from the Prophet beg for Harry to keep roast.

"I love how you think outside the box, it's clear no one's ever invited you in one." Harry said "You have a voice Newsprint, and the face for radio but unfortunately you got brain for porno's."

"Okay that's enough." Rita says

"Your not wrong your just operating in a different intellectual Time Zone."

"What?" Nagato asked.

"You don't know how things work here. You beat a Dōjutsu user you get their eyes. Your shriveled as fuck, you look like beef jerky and your just not worthy of having those so hand em over and I'll let you die peacefully." Naruto says.

Nagato looks dumbfounded at Naruto as Naruto shrugged and used the Danzo Eye Ripper technique Jiraiya made sure he learned for his rematch with Sasuke. Jiraiya thought was Tsunade could put Sasuke's eyes back in when he's dragged back home.

The walk back Kurama talking about the potential of the eyes and how his chakra can support them so a deal is struck.

1 eye gets put into Kurama to fight Genjutsu and the other is given to Naruto Kakashi style.

"Yes I can but that is a different contract then Reaper Death Seal." The Shinigami says handing a piece of paper to Naruto and explained how it worked.

Write the information in blood and then sign the paper with a finger print and if the Shinigami gets it cleared by heavens court the information will be wiped from everyone's head except the person holding this page.

Naruto immediately writes "Naruto Uzumaki is the Jinchuriki of the 9-tailed Fox." And signs it with a finger print.

After 3 days Naruto wakes up and Jiraiya shows up talking about Naruto's parents like the secret wasn't a big deal. Hiruzen is trying to remember something but can't, Danzo has the biggest headache.

Naruto goes for Anti-christ to just An annoying kid. People don't avoid him anymore and he's making friends.

It's not until Jiraiya touches the paper and starts screaming realizing how much was erased "Why would you make this deal with the Shinigami?!" Jiraiya asked clutching the scroll.

"To make my life better?!" Naruto shouted "You could make yours better?"

"All it would take is writing Dan and Tsunade's relationship away." The Shinigami offers Jiraiya.

Jiraiya's hand is shaking.

"We could erase Tsunade's Little Brother from history, Orchimaru wouldn't be obsessed with Immortality, Tsunade wouldn't be obsessed with being eternally young and you'd stop being a Semi Pedo! The world can heal!" Naruto shouted.

Jiraiya is shaking as he's got the Shinigami wanting him to sign the paper. "What's the price?"

"When this type of contract is made you don't go to The Purelands or The Underworld. It's essentially saying I eat you when your time is up." The Shinigami grinned having no reason to lie.

Jiraiya asks to forget this deal exists and the Shinigami tells him give Naruto back the Contract and the information will go away like a drunked blackout.

Before All Might gets his crippling injury Conquest arrived on planet and starts beating the tar out of All For One.

The Boogyman of quirks puts his palm on Conquest and realized 'Oh shit...this fucker doesn't have a quirk!' And then is Baned in the middle of a city street.

All Might joins in and after defeating All For One Conquest sees All Might offer hand thanking him for his help.

This leads to All Might helping Conquest develop a civilian identity, Carl Barns. And eventually meeting Inko, having a son, Izuku and being happy.

Until his son starts repeating his dads early life on viltrum Prime. Izuku getting sick as a kid, the quirklessness, the bullies the getting into fights.

Meanwhile Every day Conquest is teaching his son how to fight back even without his powers so Izuku's starting fitness isn't zero and he regularly breaks desks and chairs over other kids heads for picking on him [for anime logic his bench weight is 600 before any extreme training].

When All Might calls up Conquest telling him about his quirk and how he isn't a young man anymore and goes offer Conquest it but Conquest informs him he's over 5,000 years old. "But I do have a son." Conquest says sipping his drink.

All Might gets one look at Izuku and is like "He's perfect!"

The Aim to Pass American Dream plan finishes in 6 months with Izuku cleaning the whole beach. The next 4 are practicing with the quirk.

I can see this timeline going 2 ways: izuku doesn't unlock his viltrumite powers until either the USJ attack or until his quirk burns out. Or a third option all for one/shiggy kidnapped Inko and ransomed her for Izuku's quirk and thats when the powers kick in.

"Excuse me?"

"It goes: Loser, Simp, then the path branches to Classy then Gentleman then Lady Killer or Creep, Pervert then Super Pervert or if you're really fucked up Super Creep but you gotta learn some Jutsu's that technically don't have names to get that level. It's a branching evolution you can't be both so what are you more?" Naruto says.

"Super Pervert." Jiraiya says.

"Then I have no need of your help. I'm powermaxing my Simp levels by murdering Neji and eventually unlocking the next rank." Naruto says.

"What do you mean level?" Jiraiya asked.

"Every skill has a level to it and there's a screen showing it. Let me try-" Naruto tapped Jiraiya and the Toad Sage saw everything he knew written in text boxes with skill level.

Golden Gooner: you've Jerked it in every country of the elemental nations.

Legendary Perverted: would trade village secrets for some tits bigger then a B cup

Master Sealer: apex of what a civilian born can preform.

Amateur Sage: Has not completed Perfect Sage Mode.

List after list of skills, Boons and Banes. One that really pissed him off.

Tier 2 Diddler: You've agreed to train a minor just because they turned into a woman and jumped. [Warning you are dangerously close to gaining the third tier and being equal to Orchimaru who has reached Tier 4 recently]

"What is this?" Jiraiya asked.

"Apparently it says I unlocked New Game Plus but I didn't get my memory of the last go round. I've been relearning what I was supposed to know. Apparently your old stats carried over."

Jiraiya had found Cause of Death: Nagato Uzumaki.

Failed missions: Sealing Student, Toad Student, Help Naruto not be like you and Tsunade.

So many failed missions Jiraiya asked what girl Naruto was into at this very moment?

"Sakura. My teammate who get angry at me for even suggesting we could date." Naruto said.

"That's it I'm helping you find a girlfriend that isn't the next Tsunade!" Jiraiya said as a notification appeared

Petunia has a tradition of handing out Chocolate Onions that look like candied apples to get trick or treaters away from the house.

Unfortunately Harry was the one being made to make them so making them is a tradition and tricking people into eating them on Halloween is what brings join to the occasion.

Ron is the first victim and there will be many.

"What's the greek got to do with prophecy?" Ron asked.

"Hermione are you aware of the tale of Oedipus?"

"Yes why do you ask?" Hermione said.

"Great tell it to Ron I gotta use the bathroom." Harry left the train car.

The screaming and horror from Ron was heard across the whole train and Harry walked in.

"With his Mother?!" Ron asked looking at Harry and Hermione.

"Yep."

"His dad..."

"Yep."

"He killed..."

"Yep!"

"And married his..." Ron threw up.

"It's proof from the god you do not want to know the future." Harry explains "Every Mortal who does will eventually end up fucking his own mother and as good as it would be to see my mom again, not in that context."

Ron rushes to McGonagall begging to drop Divination but she tells him he's already locked in for the year.

"What do you mean?!"

"Well we've tested the prototype on Bellatrix, she died screaming in pain but we created 10 pills that when fed to a muggle they become muggleborn."

"Estimates put around 50 inner circle death eaters and 400 marked standard. " Hermione says "imagine a cure for Squib-ness! Equivalent exchange: we burn a purebloods or a hundred and get 1000's of magic users back. The wizard population will thrive again!"

"You are a mad man for even suggesting this Potter!" The Minister shouted "A MADMAN!"

Harry meeting his alternative universe explaining what he did next funneling all of magical Britain into the Eight-Trigram Furnace.

"So you just wanted to finish Tom's world war 2 copy and Paste then?!" Alt Harry shouted.

"The black death was the result in the manufacturing of the Philosopher's Stone, tragedy begets Advancement. My childhood gave them peace, my teen years granted them an excuse..." Thanatos Harry leaned in "I wanna stop the next problem before it becomes one...i want a world of magic. Everyone gets it. No more hiding."

"And what happens when muggle governments start asking for things?"

"We give it to them. Cancer, Diabetes both cured by me."

"Harry, there are things that-"

"We got lycantropy cure." Thanatos harry held up a bottle. "Muggle science and Magic Healing working together...it yours if you join my crusade."

Remus started shaking seeing it and said "just have to juice the death eaters?"

"Remus!" Harry shouted "These are human lives!"

"Snap out of it man!" Sirius shouted "Harry as much as massacre is an option for the Death eaters, shoving them into a giant furnace and liquifing their magic isn't an option in this universe."

"Can we take half of em?"

"No!"

"Just the inner circle then?"

"You can have Bellatrix and Snape!" Neville shouted.

"Neville!"

Harry is holding the sword of Gryffindor when Malfoy decided to cast the killing curse at a minor for freeing an elf and Harry slashes his skin.

The venom puts Malfoy into a painful death and Harry is going full asshole ranting this fucker for raising the most annoying kid he's met since Dudley and being a death eater.

Harry asks Draco "Who are you gonna tell about my bullshit now?!" Not even a single drop of pity or guilt for the boy.

Money makes the world go round. Vernon taught Harry that, if you had money you got respect.

So Harry uses his money wisely.

Buying Ron and Neville new wands, buying cleansweeps for training brooms for Hogwarts, Nimbus's for all the quittage teams with labeled brooms.

Basically Harry knee jerk reaction is to pull out his wallet to make the whole problem shorter.

"That Hippogriff is legally mine not the schools and is insured for 2 million galleons. If it dies the government would owe me a fortune." Harry says holding the document and fudge immediately pulls the executioner away.

The Dragon Mage Leveling System: by merging one's soul and magic with that of a dragon the user levels up through the use of gold.

Harry has to find a scale of a Antipodean Opaleye and it latches into his skin growing scales over his body. The more gold he pays to his system the more things he unlocks.

He's fighting the urge to uses his money to make himself a god or live off the money. Not aware he has another vault.

"About what?" Hiruzen asked.

"About the fox! There was nothing in the seal but a huge liquid pool of chakra! More of a small ocean but there was no fox! No demon! Just fucking immortality and the shinigami telling me I can't die anymore!"

"Wait Naruto you can't die?" Hiruzen asked.

"That's not the important part! I'll never know about my family! I'll never reincarnate into a better life then this! I am in...i have to invent a new word for the place I'm in...Hell sound right, yeah...yeah I'm in hell!" Naruto says.

The Seal Minato used was a formula used by Laozi Uzumaki, alchemist of the clan and seeker of immortality. Kurama got juiced! His mind is in the Shinigami while the chakra and power is in Naruto's seal slowly turning Naruto into an immortal.

The idea of Minato being like okay instead of yin and yang. Lets rip its brain out and shove the body into the boy instead.

Harry is a bird Animagus and his magic knows it before he starts the process.

But when he cracks it end of 4th begining of 5th year he's either an Owl, an Eagle or a Hawk and registers . Something that can fly and suddenly Harry's Instinct start using fly as an option.

Ministry summon: Fly

Umbridge detention: Fly

Any inconvenience: Fly

Like he even played a full quittage game as one and won.

The reason Harry was so willing to get into trouble was because his brain knew fly wasn't an option until now.

Petunia's hate and jealousy for magic had converted the ward into something rancid and disgusting.

Harry had aged rapidly over his 10 years at the Dursley's, looking more like a young adult then a preteen.

When Hagrid first found him Hagrid didn't mention it, being so tall the difference was minimal.

However the bookstore had been asking about if Harry was studying for NEWT's and the robe lady was calling Harry Sir or thinking he was a jr teacher or a teachers apprentice learning the job.

Ron and Harry aren't allowed to sit near one another because Harry just as food aggressive as Ron is only his table manners are better. Harry first feast eats an entire ham worth of meat, a pound of grilled potatoes and enough dessert to put a diabetic in a coma.

One perk of the whole think is his body natural affinity for flying. Like his accidental magic is now consistently acting in his favor.

​

Naruto gets divided into 3 beings:

The Joker, The Monster and The Sage.

The jokers the one that pulls pranks and fools around. More worried about eating then actually doing shit. Infinite chakra reserve and the ability to share it with those that laugh with him.

The Monster is Naruto evil side made manifest. Think less Unscewing salt shakers more Explosive Tag Woopie Cushions. Complete healing factor: as in Hashirama level self healing.

The Sage completely void of all earthy desires and attachments its the Strongest of the three and often floats. In a constant state of perfect sage mode and able to manifest A 6 armed avatar.

Kurama is in all 3 of them as the nexus point trying to fix this internally while the three are running around the leaf.

One of them ends up on a date with Hinata.

Inko...can make a Rasengan.

​

​

Small things. Air molecules. Rapid spinning in a condensed sphere.

​

​

Imagine Izuku getting her quirk and suddenly using it like that or:

​

Izuku carries a bag of ball barrings and uses them to make a wall around himself. Like Inko limit i feel is can it fit in your hand.

​

Thats the size of most organs!

​

Izuku getting Inko's quirk even the weakest form would change so many things.

​

Straight up getting a gun and turning into Snipe 2

Naruto, sick of people being jerks steals hair dye and Makeup to cover his whiskers and turn his hair black/Red whatever.

​

​

This could lead to wherever you decide from Naruto killing another orphan or Hiruzen giving Naruto a new name and ID or moving into the Uchiha house pretending to be Sasuke cousin or straight up leaving the Village.

​

​

Get creative.

Werewolves have a Prophecy too. The one with the Name of the K9 would unite the wolves and eventually join the entire world as a werewolf pack.

​

"When i learned your name was Lupin, he he he *coughs blood* I had to bite you. It could have been great! Imagine a whole world like us!" Greyback says laying there, bleeding and in more pain then ever and all he can do is smile thinking of Wolf World.

​

"Let me get this straight. You bit Moony because his last name?!" Harry shouts because Remus was frozen in shock.

​

"Yes!" Greyback says like he's speaking to an idiot "you think with a name like Fenrir I was spared this?!"

Harry ends up traveling back in time to the Ancient Greeks and ends up ruining alot of history.

​

Starting with Asterion the Minotaur or as Harry created The Vegan Bull King. [BECAUSE if you mix human and cow you definitely get vegetarian because cows eat grass and humans are omnivorses]

​

Yep Harry straight reset the guy's taste for food, convinced him he was the rightful heir to the throne and guided him out the labyrinth.

​

When Arachnara [whatever the first spider lady was] weaves against Athena, Harry steals the tapestry depicting the gods shortcomings spreads it around as gospel to random cities.

​

​

Naruto found a fox in the woods trapped in a bear trap. Freeing it and treating its wounds with his Medical cream Hinata gave him [the stuff from the Chunin exam] Naruto wakes up to find a bipedial fox man making pills in his kitchen.

​

""No shame in taking pills. More unfair are the innate skills." He says handing Naruto a gold pill "On the house for saving my life."

​

First Pill Naruto is standing infront of Budda and The Sage of Six, they were playing chess!

​

​

Naruto wakes up and all his injuries are gone from his whole life.

​

​

Xu Dog asks him to bring more supplies and Naruto spends his pay for missions on these pills.