u/Ash2962

I was addicted to porn for quite some time, I stopped to focus on myself and not be a loser.

So I lost lost loads of weight, became attractive spoke to more women without sexual intent and stopped being a gooner.

I was a devout religious muslim, but stopped practising islam left the religion later on I got into a relationship with a muslim woman who I find out later did content. (dont judge us we all have skeletons in our closet) I was open with my distaste of the religion she didnt mind and she slowly brought me back to the religion and frankly makes me want to do more good. i prayed for the first time in ages last week.

but the issue is, she does things that trigger me and I feel im going back and reverting back to the gooner side. but she genuinely loves me and wants to please me, part of me cant say no to her when she proposes certain things, its just hard.

My mental health has kinda tanked, and I just dont feel good in this relationship and I think im back into brain rot gooner mode and I feel so trapped.

I think im the worst person on earth but im trying to do better i promise, ive not had a great relationship with islam and I may have done the worst sins you can possibly do.

How do I start fresh? Do I go go umrah? do i fast? what do I do? ive not practiced islam properly in years.

I am going to post this here, as I'll probably be condemned by mainstream Muslims for this story. (used AI for grammar)

I am an on-and-off Muslim, and perhaps I was even an ex-Muslim at that time. Ramadan especially triggers my CPTSD, and I start to isolate.

This year, I really fell off the deep end. Due to depression, I chose to willfully not fast and to commit some sins on purpose out of anger of the religion and anger against god

I was with my then-ex, who was a Muslim woman, although more culturally Muslim even though she wears hijab. I decided to step away from her during Ramadan because she would get tempted by me, and I didn't want to interfere with her Ramadan. We did sex acts before when she was supposed to be fasting and had broken her fast (not actual intercourse but she gave oral...). I felt I was taking my anger out on the religion on her and i cared about her, so I really felt it best we detach even though she didnt mind it as she wasnt really religious.

So I isolated myself for four days from her and also family, not fasting and reliving trauma that made me struggle with islam, i spend days without even leaving the house. It was a very dark time mentally I didnt want to drag anyone else in to it. Including a person I did care about.

I decided to break out of my isolation and go for a walk. On that same day, within the same hour that I left my house, I noticed someone who was an old friend of mine who looked homeless.

This is part of a longer story, but the short version is that he was a non-Muslim British man who had been in and out of prison and was struggling to live a normal life. He had been the confident, cool guy in school until something happened in his life that caused him to go off the deep end.

He told me that he had gotten a job, but his employer was withholding his pay, and that he hadn't eaten in days. He talked about how difficult it was to adjust to the real world, especially after being used to being fed in prison like clockwork. From the way he looked and smelled, I could tell he was telling the truth.

He didn't ask for my help, but I insisted anyway that I take him to an all-you-can-eat buffet which was a 5 minute walk from me.

What struck me was his level of self-dignity and consideration toward me. Despite being a former career criminal, he insisted on not disrespecting me by eating pork because of my faith. My faith in humanity rose slightly.

I looked him coldly in the eye and told him that he wasn't Muslim, that he could eat pork, and that I insisted he eat as he normally would, even if that meant eating pork.

Some mainstream Muslims have condemned me for this, but I'm not here to force my views on the world, especially when it comes to helping someone. To me, that feels gross.

But the moral of the story, as I see it, is that in all of this unholiness, I willingly chose not to fast for days, while he was unwillingly forced to fast for days. Yet somehow, the universe brought us together to remind us both that we aren't so far gone.

i still struggle with religion over all but im getting there

I am going to post this here, as I'll probably be condemned by mainstream Muslims for this story. (used AI for grammar)

Firstly, I'm a struggling Muslim, and I'm not perfect, so please don't be harsh on me. I'm really trying to be Muslim.

I am an on-and-off Muslim, and perhaps I was even an ex-Muslim at that time. Ramadan especially triggers my CPTSD, and I start to isolate.

This year, I really fell off the deep end. Due to depression, I chose to willfully not fast and to commit some sins on purpose out of anger. I won't disclose the sins, but you know—I intentionally sinned, in ways that were somewhat very bad.

I was with my then-ex, who was a Muslim woman, although more culturally Muslim. I decided to step away from her during Ramadan because she would get tempted by me, and I didn't want to interfere with her Ramadan. We had kind of committed zina before when she was supposed to be fasting and had broken her fast (not actual intercourse).

So I isolated myself for four days from her and also family, not fasting and reliving trauma, without even leaving the house. It was a very dark time mentally I didnt want to drag anyone else in to it..

I decided to break out of my isolation and go for a walk. On that same day, within the same hour that I left my house, I noticed someone who was an old friend of mine who looked homeless.

This is part of a longer story, but the short version is that he was a non-Muslim British man who had been in and out of prison and was struggling to live a normal life. He had been the confident, cool guy in school until something happened in his life that caused him to go off the deep end.

He told me that he had gotten a job, but his employer was withholding his pay, and that he hadn't eaten in days. He talked about how difficult it was to adjust to the real world, especially after being used to being fed in prison like clockwork. From the way he looked and smelled, I could tell he was telling the truth.

He didn't ask for my help, but I insisted anyway that I take him to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

What struck me was his level of self-dignity and consideration toward me. Despite being a former career criminal, he insisted on not disrespecting me by eating pork because of my faith. My faith in humanity rose slightly.

I looked him coldly in the eye and told him that he wasn't Muslim, that he could eat pork, and that I insisted he eat as he normally would, even if that meant eating pork.

Some mainstream Muslims have condemned me for this, but I'm not here to force my views on the world, especially when it comes to helping someone. To me, that feels gross.

But the moral of the story, as I see it, is that in all of this unholiness, I willingly chose not to fast for days, while he was unwillingly forced to fast for days. Yet somehow, the universe brought us together to remind us both that we aren't so far gone.

I rewatched Lord of the rings fellowship of the ring recently, and I always wondered how it would be like if I went to that region of the world(middle east not middle earth lol) with a jewish person and a christian? I really want to actualize this?

Also I dont apologize for my political or religious views, and I dont expect anyone to apologise for their religious and political views. Just don't violate the bro code and have each others backs under all circumstances.

Would anyone be open to the idea of this?

Not out of anger or resentment, but that religious and innocent side of me is dead, my religious optimism and hope has been stamped out.

I am not really living like a non muslim, I still dont drink or fornicate or seek haram, but its a fight to keep islam in my heart.

Ever since I went through what I went through, my trust in religion and people shattered.

I want it to come back I miss it, but its long gone and I barely recognise the person Ive turned to.

Im trying to come back to islam, I do make sincere efforts trying hard but my heart is dead to islam.

So hello, I want to start by saying im not the most perfect muslim.

I got that out of the way, so I live in England I live in an area with a muslim background mixed with white people.

In this gym for the past 6 months, ive noticed that there was this man who quite effeminate who walked a certain way, that people would quietly laugh behind him and look down on this man.

He looks spanish and non muslim, because we live near a rough area the muslims here are working class or are involved with selling drugs. So people here are bit rough around the edges, its not liberal at all.

I myself, didnt prejudge but I just assumed in his private life he gets up to no good and its probably very disgusting what he gets up to, as a man who has struggled with sin I withhold my judgement as best i can. I would still be cordial and not laugh at him, but he does walk in a way that highlights his sexuality and some muslims in the gym would quietly judge. I do see him in the coffee shop occasionally nearby, and I do acknowledge his presence with a head nod and a smile.

Today I went to the coffee shop and I happened to sit next to him, as I sit next time him I observe he is viewing something. I double check to see what hes looking at, I couldnt believe what I was seeing, I see he was reading the Quran on his phone....

All the time I assumed he was a non muslim homosexual man getting up to the worse in his private life behind closed doors, he was actually reading the Quran in his private life......

All the people in the gym who were looking down on him for being effeminate have NO IDEA his heart and what he actually does in his private life.

I am thoroughly embarrassed with myself for bad character for assuming the worst because of how he walked and I can say for certain he's a better muslim then me.

I did pretend to not notice he was reading the Quran and we had a normal conversation and I shook his hand goodbye. (he was actually Moroccan if anyone wants to know)

But yh this a reminder to all, to not show bad character like me and assume the worst because the people we look down maybe actually be clearer of heart then us.

So hello, I want to start by saying im not the most perfect muslim.

I got that out of the way, so I live in England I live in an area with a muslim background mixed with white people.

In this gym for the past 6 months, ive noticed that there was this man who quite effeminate who walked a certain way, that people would quietly laugh behind him and look down on this man.

He looks spanish and non muslim, the muslims here are pakistani working class or outright drug dealers.

I myself, didnt prejudge but I just assumed in his private life he gets up to no good and its probably very disgusting what he gets up to, as a man who has struggled with sin I hold my judgement as best i can. I would still be cordial and not laugh at him, but he does walk in a way that highlights his sexuality and some muslims in the gym would quietly judge. I do see him in the coffee shop occasionally, and I do acknowledge his presence with a head nod and a smile.

Today I went to the coffee shop and I happened to sit next to him, as I sit next time him I observe he is viewing something. I double check to see what hes looking at, I see he was reading the Quran....

All the time I assumed he was a non muslim homosexual man getting up to the worse in his private life behind closed doors, he was actually reading the Quran in his private life......

All the people who were looking down on him for being effeminate have NO IDEA his heart and what he actually does in his private life.

I am thoroughly embarrassed myself for assuming the worst because of how he walked and I can say for certain he's a better muslim then me.

I did pretend to not notice he was reading the Quran and we had a normal conversation and I shook his hand goodbye. (he was actually Moroccan if anyone wants to know)

But yh this a reminder to all, to not assume the worst like me lol

(REPOST from SUGAR FREE)

When I tell people I don't have added sugar and have not for a year, people assume I have a elite level discipline and live like a monk, for that reason people think its unnatainable when its a completely distorted perception.

People are confused how I have gone 540 days without sugar like I am David Goggins but its like a im a fairly chill guy haha. In reality I dont use that much self will to not have added sugar, but I use GREED.

Greed is a much more powerful force then motivation and thats fine and nothing to be ashamed of.

To contextualize this, you can either spend

- £7 every day of the week, on ultra processed sugar snacks, low grade snacks, sugary drinks, which is £49.

- Or you can spend £30 on something premium on biweekly basis and have £19 left over. Like a really nice saturday breakfast, sauna session, get a quality haircut.

- Or you can spend £120 on a monthly basis to increase quality of life by getting a deep tissue massage, hot oil massage, luxury vitamin C facial cleanse, get a fitness coach etc and have £76 spare monthly.

Thus increasing your quality of life WHILE SPENDING LESS MONEY!. (also having visible abs is amazzzzzzzzzzzzzzingggggggggggggg)

Once you shift from the mentality of raw discipline to doing things that make you happy things really change. Its not a zero sum game.

THATS LITTERALLY HOW I LASTED 540 days +without relapsing

When I tell people I don't have added sugar and have not for a year, people assume I have a elite level discipline and live like a monk, for that reason people think its unnatainable when its a completely distorted perception.

People are confused how I have gone 540 days without sugar like I am David Goggins but its like a im a fairly chill guy haha. In reality I dont use that much self will to not have added sugar, but I use GREED.

Greed is a much more powerful force then motivation and thats fine and nothing to be ashamed of.

To contextualize this, you can either spend

- £7 every day of the week, on ultra processed sugar snacks, low grade snacks, sugary drinks, which is £49.

- Or you can spend £30 on something premium on biweekly basis and have £19 left over. Like a really nice saturday breakfast, sauna session, get a quality haircut.

- Or you can spend £120 on a monthly basis to increase quality of life by getting a deep tissue massage, hot oil massage, luxury vitamin C facial cleanse, get a fitness coach etc and have £76 spare monthly.

Thus increasing your quality of life WHILE SPENDING LESS MONEY!. (also having visible abs is amazzzzzzzzzzzzzzingggggggggggggg)

Once you shift from the mentality of raw discipline to doing things that make you happy things really change. Its not a zero sum game.

THATS LITTERALLY HOW I LASTED 540 days +without relapsing

When people say no south asians do they mean indian people living currently in the subcontinent, or does this include the british pakistani or Americanised pakistani? I am super curious if this is about race, culture or upbringing.

side note I do think there is racism in the arab community but im going to assume the best.

I could be having a super good conversation with someone untill i bring up my ethnicity, and the vibe changes. Funnily enough I look like a arab and get confused for a Arab so many times, but I do feel it is racism as people assume im dirty and ungroomed if I mention im pakistani.

Old friends who see me, compliment me on my skin and hair lol, cutting sugar also really helped me in my body recomposition .I lost overall 11kg, and feel soooo much healthier and so clean.

My body has gone such through a crazy transition was well worth the sacrifice of cookies looool

Has anyone here tried tahujud and has it worked?