Mother, you’ve affected me more than I want to accept 😔
I was recently asked why I’m so hard on myself. My initial thought, and what I wanted the answer to be: I’m an over achiever, I won’t settle for mediocrity. Because if you’re going to do something might as well do it right or don’t bother doing it at all.
But as I sat with it, only one thing came to mind. Something I’ve suppressed because I didn’t want to give you any credit (even negative one) since you decided to walk out of my life at a young age.
I’ve told myself I resented you as a mother (now that I have my own kids) and not as a daughter. Because I couldn’t imagine walking out on my kids when they’ve needed me the most.
But the truth is, I know exactly why if I’m not doing **TOO MUCH**, I’m not doing **ENOUGH.**
The words you said to me when I was proud of myself (probably the last time I remember doing so) have shaped my entire life. & I hate crediting you for that. Because I overcame despite your absence. Because I achieved despite your words. You do not deserve to be associated with my success.
But I know no matter how much I achieve, it will never be enough, even for me. I know why I’m terrified of failing to the point I’d rather not try at all if it’s even a possibility (but I’m working on it) Your words echo in my head and my only crime was being excited to tell you my latest accomplishment.
“No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, remember, you will never be better than me”