u/BuggedCookieDev

I was searching advice on how to be a functional adult because I'm far from being one, I got so many issues, I got so many things wrong with me and I just wish to be more functional and I accidentally found this subreddit and after reading the description it kind of hit close to me, I saw that there's the option to vent, which is exactly what I'll do... I'll just vent here.

Sorry in advance grammar might be terrible, I'm not a native English speaker. I'll also try to paragraph things but I can't promise it. Also things might be all over the place, I'll try my best to keep things grouped as much as I can.

I'm 22yo I'm far from being a functional adult and it's extremely hard because my mom is ... kind of over-controlling (Sorry, I use the word controlling, I just don't know how to describe... exactly what my mom does to me, I'll try to give examples later) and my dad is... drunk everyday. Don't get me wrong me not being functional might be entirely my own fault, but I'm trying to be functional and I want to be functional...

I'll start with my dad because it's the easiest to explain into words, I'll start with the positive, when sober my dad is awesome, he's supportive, he taught me most things I know, we used to play together when I was a kid, he was a great dad... only when sober... He's not a "villain" I don't hate him. But now I just kind of feel numb toward him and my mom. I'll be honest too I think I do have resentment toward him for things he's done but he's my dad I love him.

But... I can't handle him being drunk anymore, it's daily, I swear if my mom would leave a pack of 48 he'd be able to drink it all in a few hours only. He drinks and drinks, it's literally the first thing he does with his coffee, then when he doesn't have any more beer he takes any alcohol left in the house (Wine, even cooking-wine and anything really) to drink, if none left he goes to the neighbor to get more or do some services in exchange of money which he uses to buy more beer... and he always comes back drunk.

He's tipsy/drunk daily (but okay-ish) but sometimes he get so drunk a few times a week that he start insulting around for hours and hours, he gets angry to the point of kicking stuff (never inside of the house, we got like a "summer kitchen" kind of place where he usually does that) or sometimes he straight up say mean comments, I never blamed him for it, I never said a single thing I just kept it for myself again and again and again. Even when he'd say really REALLY hurtful things to me.

("TRIGGER WARNING")

Never once I got angry at him for being drunk and being annoying as fuck, until... one night, for context, I have been struggling with very dark stuff on my own for a while now and at that night, it REALLY bad, like I genuinely thought about doing bad things to myself and I was playing dead on the floor for days at that point I just didn't care about anything. I woke up at 5PM and first thing I get, when I got downstairs, is him saying a few mean stuff which just made it so far worse, usually it gets over my head and I should have just ignored him but it's like that night I couldn't. It just triggered me so badly for nothing.

Anyway, he kept going for like a long time even went as far as saying that he'd throw all the food in the trash for some reasons and I know my reaction is disproportionate here but I don't know I just blew up at him and I told him "get in your fucking shower" and I repeated it a couple times, he then pushed me aside went to the fridge and he kept saying the same thing in loop drunkenly. And I don't know I blew up there I slammed the fridge shut and I got to his face told him once again to get in his fucking shower already or fuck off and I can't really remember what I said else I think I even said "Get a fucking therapist or some shit already I'm tired of seeing you drunk everyday it fucking hurts me, you fucking hurt me" and he just got even more furious and started threatening me, I got so overwhelmed I was shaking and crying, I kept thinking about doing bad shit to myself but instead I just called my brother he came home and picked me up. Also the ""threats"" I remember is like "You'll see what I'll do if you continue" "I'll throw you out in the fucking street" "We'll see each other in court" and a bunch of other stuff where I completely zoned out... I know he said some other stuff but I just can't remember it.

I know my reaction could have been more controlled but I was so fucking angry I just snapped I couldn't even control my reaction it just went all out. Anyway thanks to my brother he picked me up, went where he was living at the time (He too had left home because of our parents) and we just talked and all changing my mind, he even called my mother because I asked him to because she would be freaking out. And well first thing I hear over the phone is her ordering him : "BRING HIM BACK HOME NOW." (Again I was 21yo...) my brother just answered "Too bad he's here" I heard her yelling a bunch of stuff at him and he just hung up.

Since I couldn't sleep there he brought me back home after an hour or two, my dad was still drunk but at least he was trying to drink water this time. My mom was just following me around asking me to "Take a coffee" with her it was 22pm or something like that ain't no way I'm taking a """"COFFEE"""" also with my own experience with her I knew taking a coffee with her would just be 9999 interrogation. I kept saying no for going with her in the car about a dozen times until I just accepted because she made it clear she wasn't giving me a choice... I went and the first thing I said was "If you say a single word about tonight, I'm leaving the car, we take a coffee and that's all" then she proceeded to ask me about a hundred questions on : "Why did I leave" "Why did you say you wanted to live somewhere else" "Why did you go to (her ex-best-friend house)" "What did you say when you were there" "Did you talk in my back?" "What did you say" "Tell me what did you say" etc.. etc... etc..

I just left the car went back home, for once I didn't care she would be mad at me, I'm always so terrified of her reactions but that time I didn't care I just left the car and walked home, my brother who still was in his car asked me what I was doing and I told him "I knew it was an interrogation"

Anyway, fast-forward, I go inside the house my mom follow me around and keeps asking me the questions and I don't know I just went with the most generic sentence I could think off "I don't want to talk, I'm overwhelmed, please stop asking me questions" etc... but she kept going anyway she followed me up to my bedroom and kept asking me 999 questions even tried told me my dad "hit her" (I personally don't believe her due to my past with her...) ANYWAY she start trying to ... get my attention, I really don't know how to explain that but like she want me to comfort her or some shit and I kept answering the same thing "I don't want to talk, I'm overwhelmed, please leave!"

And she got mad at me and yelled "I HAVE TO COPE WITH EVERYTHING BECAUSE MY OWN KID DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME" I didn't say anything and neither did I reacted to that and when she realized that she just repeated at least 2 others times... and she just left mad at me.

She later wrote to me those same things she said to me like the fact that my dad had apparently hit her... etc... ALSO the other reason I think it's fake it's because one time she pointed at her shoulder showing a "" "bruise" "" and the very next day she show me her face and also her story was... not matching ANYWAY I don't care. Or I do I don't know.

Anyway, next morning I go see my dad he's working on his truck, I just say good morning like nothing happened and bring him his tools, he didn't really look like he was actually working on it to be honest... later my mom said "Did both of you apologized to each other" I apologized for my over reaction and him for... his comments he teared up, my dad never tear up.

Also another thing I hate that my mom during the entire night kept adding comments in the back of my dad almost like she wanted me to hate him or something, I DONT KNOW but like instead of just helping or anythign she was just piling on the problem, like adding fuel to a fire ... as well as making me her damn "therapist " again (I say therapist here as in the sense that she always does the thing where I have to validate HER feelings where she vents to me and shit)

Anyway beside the fact that my dad been drunk 99% of my life literally speaking another thing he did was also a year ago when my grandfather was dying, I was terrified of seeing my grandfather dying, at the time I thought I was numb and I didnt care but realized quickly I was just really scared, then I saw him in person, on his death bed, I literally cannot remove the image from my head of my grand father looking like a skeleton and unconscious he couldnt even recognize me over the phone in his last conscious moments it fucking hurts

anyway, when I finally went and saw him in person because my brother told me "its... time, you should come" my dad was drunk as fuck and saying things like "i'm drinking in his honor" yeah sure buddy you've been drinking your whole life tell yourself that. Anyway I was trying my best not to cry in front of anyone but my dad made a really mean comment he told me I looked ugly because my eyes were swollen and it just fucking hurt me so much I just left, I did tell my mom about it and she just told me "its his way of coping" and I HATE WHEN she does that she always excuse his fucking behavior ANYWAY. I left, and the same night my grand father died and I couldn't tell him goodbye, never got the chance to. I couldn't tell him I loved him. I'm tearing up just writing this crap.

Other memories of my drunk dad is him scaring the shit out of me when I was a kid when he was really drunk, getting really fucking mad at me and barging into my room drunk and angry but like they're just memories but I just remember them... BUT I Have good memories of him too like me and him playing with laser at night, playing hide and seek at night when he's sober...

Another thing during one Christmas I got super duper drunk for the first time, and I know that everyone's reaction to alcohol is different I'm not here to shame anyone, but when I drank I still had a sense of self... I was really REALLY drunk, I couldn't even coordinate myself to walk properly... but after that I struggled to separate drunk dad vs sober dad even more...

Now about my mom... I'll just copy and paste something I had already wrote months ago:

My whole life I had been overly dependent on her, I couldn't even tell my own emotions from her, the things I like/dislikes from what she does. it's like... couldn't tell the difference sometimes, I don't know how to explain, I didn't knew if I liked something because I actually liked it or not or if it was because of her or not, or if I was mad/furious because she was or if I was too... and even today I still struggle to separate myself and what I feel from her... I always waited for her approval until now...

Control & Dependence got so bad I didn't even knew how to use my bank account or do any normal adult stuff. And even then, the bank account ? I have to create a new one, because I want to make sure she has no control over it. And I mean for lots of people it seemed so simple to just leave. for me it wasn't, no matter where I was physically, even at school, or at my job, or even a lady at school (as an adult) trying to help me to get some friends a job and more etc... all I always think of is how she will react. It's always how it been my whole life, "how will she react?" It's never how I feel about something, it's always "how will she react?" I was so scared of any of her reactions I could barely listen to the lady.

In fact, when I got the help from that lady, to get a job and some friends, at the time, I was anxious that if my mom learned about it (and I was 19... btw) she would get furious/mad/pissed at me, well in fact, that's the reaction I got, she got pissed at me. Each time I tried the most smallest thing to be independent, she would get mad/furious/pissed/cold or even yell at me, like trying to find a job, trying to make my CV, getting my first interview etc... trying to get my brother's help for transport to give CV around the city etc... and after each time, even right after she literally yelled at me she would go "I wasn't mad, I didn't yell".

Her first reaction to me getting my first interview for a job was literally yelling at me and actually getting super fucking mad about it because apparently it was "too late" (4 pm...). Other times, whenever I tried talking about jobs I was trying to get etc... she would do her best top 100 reasons for me not to get a job.

Then when I finally got a job, she was doing the transport, I thought yay finally she supports me... I was wrong, she would continue doing her top 100 reasons for me to leave my job, then I later had another job she would give me the coldest attitude about it "it's just minimum salary, its a bad place" only my father had been supportive of me for that.

Also learned that when I was searching for jobs, she deleted & hid some phone calls from me, from jobs that had called... she probably caused me more anxiety/stress & panic attack than anything else...

Other things "she's done" is making me hide my dad's beer around the house, and each time I told her that I didn't wanted to do it because to me it was kind of participating in the cycle of my dad's alcoholism, and well each time I ended up doing it because she would get mad at me for not doing it.

Now the good part, months ago I did my first city walk on my own, and it was my actual first time doing a walk. Some people might just tell me "Why didn't you do it sooner, you're an adult", I mean it DEEPLY when I say I feel messed up in my head, for years I tried doing it, but for years each time I thought about it I feared my mom's reaction any kind of bad reaction, I wasn't even terrified of the city, I walked around the city on my own, the second time I went for a walk. The only reason I got the courage to do a walk at that time, was because shit got so bad in my head it was either that or I don't know honestly.

For me trying to leave for years, even just for a walk into the city, to buy stuff, even as an adult, I couldn't because for years her control been so deeply "ingrained" in my head that I was more scared of ANY of her reactions more than anything else. To be honest, I'm not even scared of going alone in the city or anything, literally second day of walking I went all around the city on my own even if I didn't knew some paths or people or literally where I was going, I just walked randomly and it was fun, was way less scary that any expected reactions from her.

Even now when I finally do walks now she no longer DIRECTLY gets mad (even though sometimes she's obviously pissed) She just send me a message every 15 mins asking me where I am and wanting me to send pictures...

I went to some friend's parent's house, knew them my whole life and they live near, I didn't see them for over 1 or 2 years, and I never knew why. Well, I learned why, they stopped talking to my mom because basically of what I've been saying + some other more personal stuff. TL;DR those parents said to my mom that what she was doing to me (and my brothers) wasn't really okay and well I'm an adult and she should let me breath (BIG TL;DR here) before I leave like my (middle) brother had done.

I had hours long conversation with them too, and I didn't even have to finish my sentences and they knew exactly what I was talking about, it was validating? (Not sure how to explain the feeling)

I haven't felt this... great in years at the time. WELL, I came back home, my mom was absolutely pissed at me, (btw, I even told her I was leaving, even though my brother just basically told me that I don't have too, but I guess I still told her anyway...) MY mom was absolutely pissed at me but I was happy I wasn't interrogated... WELL I WAS WRONG AGAIN, next morning very first thing she did was literally that, interrogating me, asking me shit tons of question about what I did and said etc... and telling me that I shouldn't be talking about what's going on at home MANY TIMES, and that's it's a personal thing and so I better not say a single word about what's going on at home etc... etc...

Another thing, at the time I was on her amazon account because she controlled also my bank account, so I had "ordered" (asked her) to order me a new phone (with my money ofc) because I wanted a phone that I had "bought MYSELF" and it worked... Until it didn't

Fast forward, phone was ordered, said to be arriving in about 1 to 2 weeks, (at the moment of purchase), it actually arrived in a few days later, April 14th 3PM exactly. I knew because, when I randomly checked on her Amazon (from her tablet) I saw that the package had arrived 2 days ago. AND WELL WITHOUT CONTEXT THIS MIGHT SEEM legit, but with past experience with her, this is kind of not new... anyway... I asked her... not so happily, "I saw my phone got delivered two days ago, where's my phone?".

She seemed almost surprised that I asked her, and I insisted on "where's my phone" she was weirdly hesitant to answer, and she finally said "in my bedroom" I said "where?", I went to her closet, saw the delivery box.

I asked her "Why is it in your closet?" she told me it was raining outside and the box got soaked and so she put it there to dry. I told her "IN YOUR CLOSET? Right...". (For context, 14th, 3PM there was no rain, I know because I was literally taking a walk and it didn't rain until 4 to 5pm and it was mild rain... so the "soaked" part didn't make sense, also because the box just looked like it got ripped open, not soaked.) I took the package, it was already opened, it was empty, asked her "where's the phone?" once again she got super hesitant.

She told me "over there" barely pointing somewhere, I asked here "WHERE" (I was starting to loose my patience at her bullshit again) finally she remove a full pile of clothes and all, from the literal bottom of her closet, my phone and the box was fucking hidden under all that pile of clothes. I asked her why was it there, she told me "to dry it" it was damn obvious it wasn't for that, box was dry, didn't have any water damage, and again, timeline doesn't match... I didn't say anything else, just took my phone, charged it, while we left home so I could go to work, along the ride she kept almost changing her story about the phone, giving excuses over excuses. I talked about it to my brother and he doesn't believe a single word of her words, and also got pissed at her, because again it's not the first time she does this kind of bullshit.

Other things I use to hate is her portraying me as the "golden child" or "special" I don't know how to say that but she used to say to people I was autistic to get some kind of attention out of me... or invent things that I never said or did just to get some attention or whatever I don't know.

She used to say also very VERY personal things I repeatedly told her not to say to strangers but she kept going anyway even after a dozen times of me telling her to stop even a few times of me blowing up at her. Once again to get some kind of attention idk out of it...

I HATE being put under a spotlight and she used to do that so many times...

Also now that I have my own stuff like my phone, phone number, bank account, amazon stuff anything... you'd thing she'd leave me some privacy well NO, each time I order something she'd ask me what I ordered... (okay fine... until) even when I tell her it's private or I'll show her if I have/want to (respectfully) she'd insist on me telling her FOR DAYS, literally I'm not joking... once I told her that "it's something for myself" and she'd go "is it toys?" (Dude wth?) then she'd continue on asking me multiple times in that day on what is it... then the next morning the first thing she literally said to me "SO what is it?" it took at least until the third day for her to finally stop...

Once I was lucky I didn't buy anything weird because she straight up just opened the package, luckily she never done that again when I told her to NEVER do that again. (A miracle she actually listened...)

And well that's it, it's all my vent, there's many thing I could vent more of, but to be honest it's already wayyy too long... on the good side I got my phone, my phone numbers, I'm slowly buying things to live alone even though I am not functional, I have no idea how to do taxes, I have no idea on how to do even half of the adult stuff I'm supposed to know.

Anyway I don't want to become like them, specially not like my mom, I want to heal eventually, get therapy for all the dark stuff in my head but also just to heal.

Thank you for reading... if anyone wants to interact, ask me questions or just... relate I don't know, just know that last time I vented it helped me a lot, I'm open for anything... just I don't know if I want validation... it feels good to vent, thank you.

Hello, I currently own an espresso machine with a pressurized basket and I'd like to buy my own grinder I'm searching for a low price option, I don't need it to be a single dose but if it costs less I'm for it.

I enjoy a medium roast if that information is important, the only thing that I don't want is a 500$ option that is just pretty to the eye... If something fairly cheap can do the same job for like... 100$ to 200$ CAD I'm open for suggestions.

Preferably available from Amazon if possible!

Thank you!

When I was watching the finale I just had a similar vibe as Coraline, am I the only one?

Other Family

\"His Family\"

Caroline's Other Family

JUST A VIBE, anyway, loved the episode and absolutely love the end!

Like 90% when I want to sleep my legs feels like they suddenly want to move, like I HAVE to. It's like I always feel like I need to stretch my legs, I stretch them it works for like 3 seconds then the sensation comes back. I go for a walk, come back in bed, the sensation comes back.

Sometimes when I'm extremely tired I can't even sleep because, I keep moving my legs every 30 seconds because they're never comfortable no matter the position. It's like a sensation in the thighs / calves. Not sure...

Anyway amber lamp, can't fall asleep, wanted to share my frustration...

So I've been thinking for a while now, how do I switch/give controls to a vehicle, an animal etc... or anything that could technically be controllable in my game?

Like maybe I want to ride a horse, maybe I want to drive a car and for that I need the player input, but how?

I was thinking of creating some kind of PlayerController that would always exist in any scene

And then I might do something like ... PlayerController.instance.TakeControl(carController) for example or PlayerController.instance.TakeControl(animalController)

PlayerController would then send the input to the current controlled thingy in the scene...

I'm not the biggest fast of singleton and I have no idea if this would be a good use? The only other way I thought about would be referencing the PlayerController to every single vehicle/animal in the game which makes no sense to me... since an animal by default might just be controlled by an AI

and creating an entire separate script just for the player... seems ... very weird

Anyway, trying to learn how y'all would do it?

Sorry if it makes little sense!

I already have done a similar post, but I have made some modification to it, while not all of them are visible, now everything changes with the theme. I've made some grub ricing, added a loading screen while everything is being loaded and then a proper login interface. I also fixed some old bugs I've had with some previous hyprland install, use the "nuclear" option script just to make OBS or some other apps works, I discovered that I had to launch my hyprland with uwsm start hyprland.desktopand with my sddm I can then choose it and now everything just works, no janky fixes!

What I mean by "peak productivity" is since DMS is all* out of the box, I can just focus on working on my stuff and be a little more productive than with my own ricing. While I loved doing my own ricing I couldn't just focus both on my system, how it works and look while trying to be productive at anything. I was thinking to maybe leave hyprland but I love it so much and it's really fast and "slim". So I made some research found DankMaterialShell and installed it, now I can just focus on my own stuff.

I wanted to also share my grub ricing somewhere because I'm happy on how it looks and now my system looks like a system and not a... bunch of stuff glued together.

Anyway, that was my rant, thank you :D