u/Connect-Teaching7629

I cope wondering how the other guy is 'holding up' but they probably have the ideal bland relationship.

I show nothing outward but inward I'm losing my mind.

Someone else won't fill the void or stop the spiral. I'm out of options and therapy wasn't helpful last year. I'm obsessed.

Edit: I fumbled and she lost interest. Once they lose interest, it's gone forever. I've achieved success afterward but interest doesn't return. Just as she made excuses for everything when she idealized, she now sees red flags in everything. The only way to get her interest back is by finding somebody else, but when it gets to that, I need to be the one to be over them.

It's so mentally ill and tiresome. I don't know what to do.

Edit2: I've made up my mind. Starting next week, I will change offices. I believe the fact that it's a daily thing at work, that that is what keeps it alive. I will work in another office building for the rest of the summer. Hopefully this will blow over in a few months.

Time will tell. Wanted to share.

We had a miscommunication, she flipped and discarded, I chased for answers but she was already looking elsewhere, within a year she got married to someone who looks similar and works in the same industry as her but higher up, same culture, rich parents and everything. I bet she started seeing our differences rather than similarities. I can’t possibly compete with that guy in compatibility. Sometimes I imagine how compatible he really must be, like they could weather every argument because they share a similar culture. I feel like I’ll never find whatever fantasy I have that she discovered after ditching me. I doubt wether or not she was a narcissist, and maybe it is all just a cope from me.

Ruminating on this hurts. Then I remind myself(/delude myself into thinking?) that she’s probably a shapeshifter because of this or that, and the spiral continues. This shit is torture and it feels like life is put on pause… If she knew how much I thought about her, she’d probably be in heaven.

I find that it gives me temporary relief but I never truly let go.

Every two weeks the longing becomes unbearable so I stop and reflect. Every two weeks I'll discover something new. I will find peace for a few days but then the longing comes back.

Despite their abuse, the discard felt so unjust and the lack of possibility to just get closure felt so existential, and I've longed for a final moment when "all is good again". That moment is never going to happen and if she knew how much I longed for it, she'd probably be ecstatic. So I must never give her that pleasure. Thus, I will never reach out and she will never give me closure anyway.

What I am left to do is to try overcome it on my own, and I've tried. For years.

Today, I just closed my eyes again and observed what was going on in me. I observed what fears arose if I let go. I arrived at being afraid of letting go 'my only chance of getting married'. I observed how that fear felt and how maybe it was not so scary after all.

Felt relief for a second, but it seems to not be it. 15 seconds later, I long once again.

It feels like mindful introspection can be the answer to letting go, if you finally find the answer, but I'm never able to. Thus the question.

Has someone applied mindfulness and did it help you let go?

Every day is a struggle. Every day I must wake up to go to work knowing I might bump into them at every corner. Every day I wonder if they see me or if I see them. I am walking on egg shells at my own work even after being discarded. It is maddening.

The reason it became like this is, at the time this happened, I was already coming out of a narcissistic upbringing and I had no idea what a narcissist even was:

She devalued and discarded me over the tiniest misunderstanding. She didn't use a single word, just body language and silent treatment. I didn't know whether to apologize, grovel, make her laugh or what. I just felt confused, ashamed and guilty.

She ghosted, devalued, discarded and clowned on me behind my back. Meanwhile, I wanted to see her again in order to correct the misunderstanding, stupidly as I had no idea what was going on.

She was looking for someone else while I was still oblivious and thinking about her for three months.

Finally I got a rejection out of her friend and understood that she was done, but then she flipped again and stopped ghosting, but that is a different story.

I haven't been able to let go of that initial devaluation / discard feeling. I just don't know what I'm grieving anymore. I am longing for redemption. I want to know we're good. While I obsess with this, I just observe how I'm resisting becoming increasingly bitter.

Every day I wake up to go to work, and I long for her, despite no longer wanting to see her. If I saw her, I would ignore her, yet I long for her. It's so fucked.

What is wrong with me and how do I make it stop?

Du kan donera bajs till Universitetssjukhuset i Linköping. Du kan bajsa hemma eller på sjukhuset.

1. Fäst behållaren du har fått under toalettsitsen. Här samlas bajset upp.
2. Stäng behållaren och lägg den i en plastpåse.
3. Lämna in behållaren med bajs till sjukhuset inom två timmar.

Donera gärna bajs några gånger per vecka under ett par veckors tid. Du får en gåva efter varje donation som tack för hjälpen.

Tack för ditt bidrag.

https://www.1177.se/Ostergotland/sa-fungerar-varden/donation/ge-bajs/

I opened incognito and made a Google search. Triggered the captcha. Select all that match, so I do. I get 6 different pages with complex patterns, stairs where the rail bleeds out so it’s the railing but not really the staircase. I select the pattern and…as always…it fails.

6 new patterns. I choose not to select the bleedouts this time and…it fails.

I refresh the search several times but keep getting captcha. I keep doing so until I get the ”quicker” mode and I finally do. Select 3 bridges. I select, it takes 5 seconds to fade out and fade the new picture in. New picture is another bridge, 5 more seconds. Another bridge, 5 more seconds, another bridge. Finally, no more bridges. IT FAILS.

I refresh until I forget what I was doing and want to rant.

I couldn’t use Google today.

Why isn’t Google changing this? Am I the only one revolted by it? Surely there must be easier ways to challenge bots than with this tedious and lengthy nonsense that no longer even works?!

At least while awake. Full nasal mask. Anyone else?

That is all.

Nervous system response being fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

I'm typically a people pleaser when I feel threatened. I hesitate to say no. I might lash out and then apologize immediately after. I try pleasing them so that they leave me alone.

Every time I'm compelled to do something by these people, I have a nervous system response. The nervous system response gives me PTSD and makes me want to confront them.

Example: Get an unsolicited phone call. They have no reason to call me, I am no contact. They're sadistic, so they're only calling for bullshit. I let it ring. Few minutes later, I am compelled to call back. I resist as best I can, but I finally figure I can just say what's on my mind and get it over with. "It", interestingly, being the compulsion. I call back. I get bullshit. I have a nervous system response (fight in this case). I quickly hang up just to be done with it. I suffer from PTSD after. Now I just want to go to their house and confront them but I'm resisting. That is a compulsion too.

I'm sitting here with the PTSD and just feeling anxious. I changed their name on my phone. I'm gaslighting myself. I'm catastrophizing. I don't know what to do. I just want to stop feeling this way. I regret calling them back. I'm so stupid.

Do you ever have moments like these? How do you deal with the PTSD from having a nervous system response to their behavior?

...but I try to remind myself to stay grounded...

I've made two threads in the past 30 minutes, struggling to deal with feelings of yearning for my NEx from years ago. I'm laying in bed and meditating, when suddenly the biggest piece of shit in the family calls me from out of the blue. I see his stupid face on my phone, and I remember, I accidentally dialed their number earlier in the day when I was going to call someone else and I immediately hung up. I knew then and I knew now that they were going to use that as an excuse to call me up and ruin my day. At the time, I observed the anxiety and I let it go. Continued on my day. But now, 8 PM, they of course call, as I'm struggling emotionally.

I don't answer. Then I call back. I tell them I accidentally dialed their number and it was nothing. Instead of hanging up, which they can't do, they go on to ask "so what are you doing now? are you alone?"

The rage I'm noticing boiling up inside me right now is real. One bullshit thing after the next, intentionally meant to minimize you.

I changed their number to a vomit face on my phone. Now I don't know what to address. Feelings for my nex? Anger for this despicable person? I don't know what I feel anymore and I legitimately might book a vacation. Can't even accidentally dial their number these people. My god I'm so mad.

It's been 3 years for me with no closure. I've gone to therapy, I've grown, I've done a lot, yet every time I go to work I think about them. I wonder if I'll see them again.

I know it's tied to their devaluation, but I've analyzed every emotion I've ever known and I've accepted everything, still I can't seem to let go of the yearning. They aren't the same person I knew. I've tried grieving. I've tried everything. I've even tried psychiatric help for OCD.

Nothing has worked and I still long for them every damn day.

and the worst of it all is: I know it's not even about them. I am not longing for her as the person. I am longing for my old self? I am longing for closure, so I can go back to the old me who knew all was good.

It's all so fucking stupid. and I know all of it. yet I can't stop yearning?

Can someone tell me WTF is going on with me, please? It started with their devaluation. When they discarded me.

From the very first moment I met them, I felt really bad for them, like they were an unpolished diamond in a rough spot. The way they chuckled and their vulnerability crushed me into a million pieces. I thought I felt love, because I was ready to sacrifice for their happiness. They weren't really in a rough spot, they had a white collar job and lived a decent life, they were just emotionally unfulfilled.

Any time I made them laugh, it felt meaningful. That was what drew me in. I wanted to take care of them. Intimacy was secondary, romance wasn't even on my mind in the beginning, I just wanted to take care of them like a younger sister almost, that's how I was sucked in.

They eventually flipped and became somebody else, and the confusion was great.

I watched a video of a woman just now. She chuckled in a way that reminded me of them. Intimate music playing in the background. I felt that strong compulsion to take care of this woman in the video too, same compulsion I felt for them.

I wonder, is this dynamic generally a red flag I should have considered at the time, or is this emotion actually healthy on my part and I was just fooled by someone malicious?

That was me 10 minutes ago, then I googled and saw this thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPAP/comments/wp1cpj/comment/ike0r3f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

and it hit me, I never considered that when you ride a motorbike, you are being bombarded with air at 100 km/h and yet you of course breathe just fine. Hell, if you have to yawn, you probably figure out a way to yawn with your nose. I have never heard of someone not riding a motorcycle or cabriolet because they won't be able to open their mouth or yawn, smh.

For you who experienced positive effects on bloating after going decaf, on what day did you start seeing the effects?

They play 8D chess with themselves. It's insane. Why don't they understand that I'm not playing along? Their reasons for calling, hoovering and hedging their bets are so fucking creative it's insane. If they used all this time and energy towards something productive, they'd get far, but instead they waste it on playing stupid games with people who are busy enjoying the cool summer breeze, like can't they get a life?

I had a phase that lasted for 5-6 years where I developed those traits as a result of coping with my parents. During that time, I had a few women become obsessed with me. This felt validating. After that phase, I still had women approach me, but now it was different and usually interest would fizzle out and they wouldn't stay obsessed.

My need for control at the time made me very reserved, and some women said it made me seem very fun and mysterious. Other girls said I just seemed weird.

It was one girl who fell for me hard and then switched up on me that woke me up to all of this. Another fellow narcissist who fell for me and then discarded me. I developed these traits relatively late, so I saw them as a problem. I became control-obsessed because my parents would otherwise emotionally manipulate me, this woman fell for me and always bragged about me to others, I knew our relationship was on a bad foundation but I thought I was making personal progress, one incident where I lost control and she immediately switched up, devalued and discarded. It messed me up terribly and woke me up to all of this.

Now I wonder, the last girl was a straight up NPD and even my trauma bonded self saw that but was attracted to what was familiar. But the other girls, there were so many who became obsessed with me. It's different now.

So I'm curious. Generally, what type of women actually idealize narcissists? Are they usually narcissists themselves?

That is the hardest part.

I'm tired of caring about narcissism. I'm tired of reading stories about them. No offense and I love everyone in this sub but I am so damn tired of having them occupy any area in my brain.

The doubt is always there. Maybe they weren't narcissists. Maybe this or maybe that. I've analyzed every angle you can think of and I feel like my life is put on pause as I try to process this in order to get over it.

Why am I so fucking stuck and how do I just do what I want to do, which is to move on?

I don't need this to become a scar. I never cared about them as much when I was with them as I care about them now. I know I care because I'm trying to problem solve and to let go, but I've been unsuccessful for two whole years.

I've achieved a lot in the past two years and I've had good weeks and bad weeks but one thing has remained constant and it is them, and the constant "what if?"

How. The. Fuck. Do. I. Just. Let. It. Go? How do I accept loss / defeat / whatever I'm resisting?

and here's the thing:

I feel dizzy and foggyminded. I have no motivation to do anything. I have no ideas or energy. This can all change if I just drink one shot of espresso. If I drink one shot of espresso, I will become manic about my project, get a lot done, get new ideas and maybe achieve something.

For the sake of my belly, I am going to power through this. I will stay dizzy and foggyminded, with no motivation and barely an ability to think. I will complain to Reddit, instead of answering emails. I will see if decaf will do anything positive for me.

This withdrawal is due to 20 years of daily coffee consumption. Since I was 18, I've drank a total of 6 shots of espresso a day. Sometimes Americano, sometimes Latte, most often regular espresso.

One espresso = productivity back to "normal" levels and I'll feel great again

No espresso = I'm defeated

The reason I go through with this is because my bloating has become very problematic. Last week, I was commented on looking 6 months pregnant. I'm skinny, but my belly actually looks pregnant. I look like a bowling pin.

If decaf fixes the bloat, I'll cut the coffee permanently. Day 2 so far feels like hell though.

Is it an adapting thing? I'm currently using the mask and I feel like I'm only getting shallow breaths and not enough oxygen, like I'm breathing under the blanket?

Do I just need to get used to it?