u/CryBig3563

i (15f) and my bf (17m) have been together for coming up on six months. before i met him i had vowed to never drink again because i know what drinking does to me (for a little example i have stabbed myself in the leg with a long safety pin out of pure curiosity and didn't feel a thing, i've also cheated on my ex bf with my ex bsf, things aren't good when i drink), but there were multiple times in a row where i was fine. so i kept drinking. i figured "im a teenager, it's normal, i probably got over it now" wrong. very very wrong.

the last two time i have drank i have been... pushy. when i drink to put it bluntly i get horny. now whatever common teenage thing blah blah blah. but beyond that i can't take no for an answer, i tried to get him to bike here last night despite him being high, and the time before that we both were drunk (me very much more than him) i tried to keep him up because i wanted to do sexual shit.

now i feel disgusted with myself when it hink about this because i am certain if i was sober i would have NEVER tried to get him to do ANY of these things. you're tired? okay goodnight sleep well!! you can't bike? okay no worries there's always another night i want you to be safe. but no, when i'm intoxicated no is literally off the table. mind you i felt like i was sober enough to know what i was doing, despite being wobbly and feeling light when i would stand up. i don't even realize im doing it before it's too late.

i'm wondering if this has something to do with it; i'm on 30 mgs of prozac and this issue didn't arise till i got put on it, i later went off of it/slowed down (by my own orders lol, DO NOT DO WHAT I DID ALWAYS SPEAK TO A DOCTOR!!) while him and i were together and when i would get drunk it wasn't nearly as bad, i was stupid of course, but not literally unable to think clearly about anything except for my wants at all. but once i went back on it i got even worse, more pushy, less able to think clearly, etc. i'm also a lightweight and i had 2 5% seltzers within roughly 30-45 minutes if i had to guess. i was CHUGGING lol.

so anyways, i dont know what to do or how to make it up to him, i feel extremely horrible for being pushy especially because we BOTH have trauma from that kind of thing. i want to be his safe place, not make him feel uncomfortable :((

15f, when i say i hate kids im not sugarcoating it. i genuinely despise them. they are the most annoying little pieces of shit i've ever had to exist with. i hate listening to them talk, i hate the squeaky voices, i hate that they think they know everything. i could list so much more. i genuinely cannot put up with them, ESPECIALLY younger sister. she's 6 and im a teen and i cannot be around her for more than like ten minutes without want to rip my ears off.

i am fully aware i was the same way when i was a kid, and now as a teenager i know im annoying to my parents too. but oh my god i don't like her at all. she was so much better before she developed any form of a personality. i LOVE babies, i dont care if they cry or puke or piss on you. that's just what babies do. but my sister? oh my days its the worst with her.

she hits and shes so spoiled and she's such a brat and my parents like barely discipline her. she gets everything she wants, no one says no to her. and she doesnt even get in trouble for hitting. it pisses me off SO BAD that my parents do nothing about it. i can not tell you a single thing i like about her. and i feel guilty about that. i just can't stand her. i always wanted to be an older sister growing up but her and i have nearly a TEN YEAR age gap. what the hell am i supposed to do with a six year old?? i want to be a better sister i just don't know how with how much i genuinely dislike her.

no the main line is not an understatement. i'm new to reddit so i apologize if this isn't how it's usually done.

i can't remember. not like "oh i forgot to do the laundry" or "i forgot if i told you about this thing already" i genuinely forgot half the things people tell me unless they're negative.

it's gotten to a point where it impacts absolutely everything in my life. i can't remember anything i talk about in therapy, i can't remember anything i promise to my boyfriend, and even in basic conversations ill repeat myself because ill forget what i literally JUST said. basically i can't remember anything important. i don't know what to do about it. i've always had a poor memory but as i've gotten older it's gotten so so so much worse. and i when i say older i don't mean like 40's, im still a minor. older side however i think i had a better memory when i was like 10 than i do now. i don't know what to do about it anymore. i hate it.

this parts a bit more vent-y for warning. if makes me feel horrible about myself that i'm constantly forgetting the things i learn to make me a better person in my relationships. i love my boyfriend to the moon and back, but we argue all the time. and i don't wanna hear anything about "oh you guys shouldn't be arguing so young just break up it's not gonna work" i want to make it work. i love him and he makes me feel really special. but every time we argue it's 90% my fault. he's not the best at handling it but the issue always arises on my part.

so what now? what do i do? do i accept the fact im doomed with my memory? or is there something i can try to help me remember important things..?

ive been researching bpd in teen girls a lot, mowing over this for like 6 months now. im at a stand still, ive tried asking my therapist, she said i "dont give bpd vibes" but i relate to almost everything ive seen online, and im not talking tiktok or something, im talking real medical websites. the one thing i dont relate to *certain* level of drastic.

ive seen that sometimes folks with bpd with threaten suicide or self-harm when people leave or try to leave them in relationships. what i seem to do is beg or compromise, for example i told my ex-gf i would start writing things down and that i would change and that i loved her and would do anything to keep her. my current boyfriend has threatened to break up with me for similar circumstances and i begged once again, telling him i love him and would change to be exactly who he wants. i cant handle the idea of people leaving. i do wonder if part of that stems from the fact my dad passed away when i was young but im not sure.

another thing ive found is the mood swings, one small thing can absolutely destroy me for hours- but at the same time my mood can be brought back up just as fast. its extremely complicated and hard to deal with.

i have an extremely fluid identity, for a while i was into gyaru (a japanese subculture) then jirai kei (another japanese subculture), now i find myself leaning into scene. other than that ive also had many different labels; trans, genderqueer, demiboy, demigirl, genderfluid, etc etc. not just for gender either, i cant really sit and be comfortable in one thing for a long time but maybe that's regular teenage BS?

i also struggle with a lot of dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization. i can barely have a serious conversation before i find myself completely foggy. when it comes to arguments i go from crying to not caring to going back to crying within ten minutes.

i have a really hard time seeing from other peoples POV and understanding their feelings and stuff behind certain situations. for example one thing im very easily able to understand is physical feelings; my boyfriend got sick and i immediately felt this overwhelming level of guilt and sadness because i can understand what its like to be sick. (the guilt comes from ocd symptoms; i made him eggs and thought it was my fault he got sick) if you were to ask me about feelings though? god i couldnt tell you. "how would *you* feel if you were in example situation". not a clue. i dont know how id feel during things which makes it harder to understand how someone else might feel. i mean depending on the day that could send me into a spiral or i could brush it off like nothing ever happened. for example, i was doing my fake eyelash clusters and it wasnt working and i starting getting so angry i wanted to break stuff and then i nearly started crying because i felt like a failure within 10-15 minutes.

im also hugely impulsive, i pierced my tongue, septum, smiley, navel, second ears, nostril, and anti-eyebrow all on whim at different points. most of which i have since taken out because of my mom lol. i have dabbled in drug use and even dropped probably over 100 dollars on pokemon cards at once.

i dont know what to do with the knowledge of what it could be for one, for two im not even entirely sure if it is bpd, and three i havent figured out how to deal with any of this. it causes horrible strain on my relationships, my financial, and even my physical health. need advice.

ive been researching bpd in teen girls a lot, mowing over this for like 6 months now. im at a stand still, ive tried asking my therapist, she said i "dont give bpd vibes" but i relate to almost everything ive seen online, and im not talking tiktok or something, im talking real medical websites. the one thing i dont relate to certain level of drastic.

ive seen that sometimes folks with bpd with threaten suicide or self-harm when people leave or try to leave them in relationships. what i seem to do is beg or compromise, for example i told my ex-gf i would start writing things down and that i would change and that i loved her and would do anything to keep her. my current boyfriend has threatened to break up with me for similar circumstances and i begged once again, telling him i love him and would change to be exactly who he wants. i cant handle the idea of people leaving. i do wonder if part of that stems from the fact my dad passed away when i was young but im not sure.

another thing ive found is the mood swings, one small thing can absolutely destroy me for hours- but at the same time my mood can be brought back up just as fast. its extremely complicated and hard to deal with.

i have an extremely fluid identity, for a while i was into gyaru (a japanese subculture) then jirai kei (another japanese subculture), now i find myself leaning into scene. other than that ive also had many different labels; trans, genderqueer, demiboy, demigirl, genderfluid, etc etc. not just for gender either, i cant really sit and be comfortable in one thing for a long time but maybe that's regular teenage BS?

i also struggle with a lot of dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization. i can barely have a serious conversation before i find myself completely foggy. when it comes to arguments i go from crying to not giving a fuck to going back to crying within ten minutes.

i have a really hard time seeing from other peoples POV and understanding their feelings and stuff behind certain situations. for example one thing im very easily able to understand is physical feelings; my boyfriend got sick and i immediately felt this overwhelming level of guilt and sadness because i can understand what its like to be sick. (the guilt comes from ocd symptoms; i made him eggs and thought it was my fault he got sick) if you were to ask me about feelings though? god i couldnt tell you. "how would you feel if you were in example situation". not a clue. i dont know how id feel during things which makes it harder to understand how someone else might feel. i mean depending on the day that could send me into a spiral or i could brush it off like nothing ever happened. for example, i was doing my fake eyelash clusters and it wasnt working and i starting getting so angry i wanted to break stuff and then i nearly started crying because i felt like a failure within 10-15 minutes.

im also hugely impulsive, i pierced my tongue, septum, smiley, navel, second ears, nostril, and anti-eyebrow all on whim at different points. most of which i have since taken out because of my mom lol. i have dabbled in drug use and even dropped probably over 100 dollars on pokemon cards at once.

i dont know what to do with the knowledge of what it could be for one, for two im not even entirely sure if it is bpd, and three i havent figured out how to deal with any of this. it causes horrible strain on my relationships, my financial, and even my physical health. need advice.