u/Cyborginox

Hello everyone! Long post ahead, for those who like to sit down and read. TLDR at the end!

Im the guy who takes choice games, and creates the absolute worst timeline possible. I just recently finished doing this with The Walking Dead, if you wish to find that post on my account, but even before that, I started with Life Is Strange, and even did Before The Storm!

Before we get into Sean’s journey, let’s summarize the world and universe of Life Is Strange so far;

-Max destroyed Arcadia Bay for Chloe, who she constantly disagreed with so they aren’t even as close as they could be. That means thousands of lives are gone in this route, all for a Chloe. This was after Chloe directly murdered Frank, and Max literally caused Kate to jump off the roof with her actions.

Basically, everything has gone wrong.

—

Now onto Sean and Daniel, and their endless crimes!

DISCLAIMER; The events described will be obviously parodied for entertainment and laughs, but are based on actual possibilities.

—EPISODE 1—

-Ah, we start the day as Sean Diaz, a teen boy who will be going through Hell. After discovering Lyla got invited to a rave from her dealer down the street, best man ever, sells crack by the pound, Sean gets invited. Knowing this will be a blast, Sean runs home to prepare.

-Before we can start preparing however, our father dares annoy us with his presence, demanding justice for Daniel wanting to take the last choco crisp. To get this mess over with and to save Daniel from diabetes, Sean decides to eat the choco crisp himself, the funniest but worst choice, as it hurts your father, and Daniel remembers it later.

-After finally being left alone, we’re left to prepare for our party.

Well, we can’t look like dorks. Beer and halloween candy it is, everyone! Gotta pack the condoms too, because dealing with Daniel is the only child interaction Sean has decided to have for the rest of his life.

-Hmm. We need money.

Well, we could steal out the money jar, but after Sean used Daniel to rappel down from the roof and steal the money last time, Esteban came prepared, with three turrets locked and loaded, ready to gun down whoever comes near the jar. Sean decides not to take that risk. (Real reason; This is a “good choice” in disguise, as Sean has no morality to impact, Esteban dies before finding out, and they need the money out to survive. Sean will be struggling with cash in this route.)

-Not only that, but Esteban has started taxing Sean and Daniel for being his sons, so Sean puts in 10$, in fear of losing a finger, the cost of not paying the Existence Tax.

-This means we have to grow some balls and talk to Esteban himself. Before talking however, Esteban forces us to find a wrench to extend the playtime of the demo. We try to tell him we’re playing the full game, but he chastises us for talking back. As revenge, we keep finding the wrong wrench, irritating Esteban into giving up.

Sean asks him for money, but Esteban tells Sean that Esteban’s cartel got raided by the FBI last week, and with their stash of Choco Crisps gone, the cartel has no way of getting finances.

Sean finds this irrelevant, and decides not to mention the crack rave he’s going to, knowing his dad’s cartel will run through and raid everything so thoroughly, you’d think it was an ad for Raid: Shadow Legends. Sadly for his dishonesty, Sean gets only half the money he could’ve gotten.

-We give Esteban no hugs. In universe, Sean could be a usual annoyed teen, yeah, but as a player, you have no reason to deny Sean his last hug with his father. Which is why we’ll be doing that!

-During a shared OnlyFans stream for our supporters, Sean and Lyla discuss what they’ll do at the rave. But before they can get into all the failed pickup lines Sean will attempt, he notices Brett giving Daniel an issue outside, as Daniel won’t stop bugging him about having Angry Birds on his phone.

Sean is outside in an instant, stating that the only one who gets to beat on Daniel, is him. Brett refutes this, saying that Daniel signed a contract saying that Brett can kick him 3 times a day.

-So, we choose to Question Daniel, effectively lowering our brotherhood by 2, and making Daniel think we never believe him.

-Brett doesn’t take the chance to run, which is his fatal mistake. He starts picking a fight, but what he doesn’t know is that Sean is currently on his last dose of steroids. This means he will, no doubt, kick ass in this fight.

Hopefully he won’t need those steroids for future fights.

-Before Sean can make a break for it with Daniel after crippling Brett, The Average American Cop spawns from literally fucking nowhere, at the perfect time to fuck Sean over. He tells Sean and Daniel to get on the ground, arresting them before the game even starts, ending their villain origin stories.

-Papa BanBan comes to the rescue, but he’s no use against a gun. You see, his cartel uses bananas, and Esteban never listened to Sean saying that’s an awful idea.

The incident ends up Papa BanBan dead on the floor, but before Sean can celebrate the inheritance money, something explodes- Mayhaps one of the bombs he planted in the neighborhood, Sean thinks.

Cops are coming. And now they need three things.

Choc-o-crisps, in hopes of rebirthing the cartel. Cash, to get to the luxurious Mexican beaches and resorts that Sean heard of on TV. He never really paid attention to his own culture. Costa Rica is in Mexico, right? Well Sean’s heading there regardless!

And final thing? Babes. They need to continue the Diaz bloodline at any cost!

-And so, our journey begins. We need chocolate, cash, and babes. What we have?

…30 cents leftover due to our awful monetary decisions, halloween candy, beer, and condoms. Hm. Okay Daniel, we may actually *die* out here. This is actively the worst you can pack.

-Luckily we come across our first hit. There’s a car left behind, with two valuable goodies; a choco crisp and a lockbox!

Committing literal theft and stealing both, we break open the lockbox to find out it was empty, besides a nice -2 morality for Daniel and a theft point.

At least we got the choco crisp! Sadly despite our efforts in slaving away to get it, Daniel will eat it as revenge for us doing the same earlier.

-We come across a bathroom, asking if Daniel needs to use it. He says he doesn’t want to use it because it’s disgusting, so I let him hold off, straining his bladder and having him become a certified Forest Pisser later on. Since we’ll be scaring him with mentioning bears, he’ll worry that one saw him pee.

-Daniel wants us to play Hide and Seek, but last time we attempted that, he got lost in Target for 6 Days. Sean refuses, upsetting Daniel.

-We let Daniel fall over on the tree trunk, instead of helping him. Due to a game glitch, this improves our bond for some reason, though it makes his clothes dirty as hell and makes Daniel angry.

-At the campsite, scare Daniel with the spider web, and splash him at the campsite, without teaching him to skip tones. Also be his opponent in a stickfight!

This will result in Daniel being pissed, storming off, and we have no Moment Of Calm. Such an overreaction, Daniel!

-We also happened to give Daniel no good berries, but every single poison berry. After we straight up nearly killed Daniel, he’ll be throwing up his guts at night, throwing up all the beer and candy, having a terrible day overall due to our choices. He pretty much hates us right now, and is much more pessimistic.

-The next day, we come across a gas station, which is good, because Daniel just threw up the only nutrients he had.

Since we literally only have 30 cents, Im not kidding, we have no choice but to steal and beg. We could wash up our faces to improve our chances, but our clothes are already ruined, so oh well.

We’ll piss off the family immediately, asking them if they’re visiting, then choosing the “What’s Wrong With It?” Dialogue option, pissing them off. If it’s possible, send Daniel beforehand, as it upsets him. If not, then only send Sean!

Plus, with only Sean and failing, we guarantee we don’t get any chips from the mother!

-We’ll then send Daniel to distract Doris while we steal items. We’ll take this chance to steal some soda and water (we could’ve gotten water from the tap), with no food! Totally useful!

-After raising Doris’ suspicion through the roof with being unwashed, stealing, and our dialogue choices, she’ll be quite cold to us. So unjustified!

-With our delicious serving of Air, Water, and Soda, like some knockoff Avatar type shit, Daniel complains how we have nothing to eat. He’s eating worse than Clementine in my Walking Dead worst route, and she was in a damn apocalypse.

-We can’t even enjoy our ‘meal’, as Hank confronts us. Sean, for once, tries to be diplomatic, and will try to find a way to discuss his outright theft. This earns Daniel a backslap, and Sean a punch to the stomach sk bad he goes unconscious.

I could’ve fought, but hey, we’ll be doing that later, and this way Daniel gets hurt too.

-After waking up, Sean will state “You kidnapped me!” To Hank. Hank will show Sean why he got the Stamper family name, and stamp Sean’s face with his shoe, earning a bloody nose and bruise for rest of the episode.

-A missable interaction; have Daniel try to pry off the vent. As he hasn’t discovered his airbender powers yet, he’ll use his hands, and injure himself!

-After the great escape, Sean gets himself free thanks to Daniel’s help, only to hear a commotion!

-Unfortunately Hank wakes up and tries to stop our attempt to steal. We then commit literal assault and robbery, stamping his face in return, and stealing the raccoon sweater and camping gear!

Ah, we are teaching Daniel amazing things. His morality is in the toilet.

-We soon talk to Brody, who we met at the gas station. He disapproves of our choices, but we hold him at gunpoint and tell him he has no say, and he drives us to where we need to go.

-Daniel reveals he stole Mushroom, and we try to tell him attachments will end in heartbreak, but he insists on keeping her. I guess he’ll learn eventually.

-We talk with Brody about our failures, as we look among the destroyed Arcadia Bay, due to Max’s shenanigans.

-After we rob Brody for 30 bucks, Daniel robs him for a hula girl due to the thievery we taught him. Brody drops us off at a hotel, where we proceed to tell Daniel that the loud people in the room are having sex.

We continue our sexual education by Daniel finding condoms in the backpack we gave him. Sorry about that trauma, bud.

We’ll also forget to add soap to the bath, to further reinforce Daniel’s bad hygiene habits. He’ll overload the soap anyway, but something tells me it’s more for careless fun than for function.

And we’ll also forget the towels!

-We’ll refuse to dance with Daniel, telling him to stop it before we get sued by Dance Dance Revolution. Depriving him of one last happy moment before he learns of his father’s death, we head out to waste a dollar on soda, as Sean forgets it hearing a tornado in his room.

-We soon find out that Daniel has been an Airbender all along! Unfortunately he found out his father’s dead, too.

After choosing every option that pisses Daniel off and makes him throw more shit at Sean, we, by some miracle, calm him down.

-And that’s it for this episode of the Wolf Brothers’ awful, awful chaos. I mean, we’re already one episode in, and they’re legit criminals. Daniel hates Sean, we starved him, and nearly killed him with poison berries, on top of everything else. We are an objectively awful brother.

I say that’s a plus so far!

—EPISODE 2—

-Due to our decisions, we have less than 10 bucks to our name, Sean had to steal from stores, and had to go dumpster diving multiple times, according to his journal. Sorry about that, buddy

-Ah, we start the episode in the snow, playing with Mushroom and Daniel. Daniel will request we don’t throw the snowball at him, so we’ll oblige, throwing it at Mushroom instead. This lowers Daniel’s Brotherhood, along with morality!

-We’ll prank Daniel with the snow burrow, pretending to get bit. Dissappointed we didnt get rabies and die, Daniel deducts a brotherhood point from us.

-We’re going to tell Daniel to never use his power. Not only will this lesson absolutely go in the trash throughout the game, but let’s be honest. Telling Daniel not to use his power is ridiculous, for so many reasons. He can use it better, yeah, but never?!

Anyway, we’ll be telling Daniel to repress his power.

-Tell Daniel to deal with the ravioli, or we’ll feed his ass poison berries again. Yes, you can do this.

-We’ll let Daniel cheat and swear! Ah, teaching him absolutely amazing things!

-The next day, we’re preparing for our trek away from the cabin. Mushroom wants to be let out, it seems.

We won’t be letting her out to pee. Not only to be mean, but so Daniel is responsible for what happens next, when he opens the door.

-Yeahhhh..we let our brother bear the weight of getting his dog killed.

We’ll also let him kill the cougar, also adding that to his conscience. We got to bury Mushroom, but we probably doomed a family of mountain lion cubs.

-After this very traumatizing morning, we make our way over to our grandparents.

We make it, and they let us in with open arms.

Though, we won’t be making too much of a good impression. We’re accused of Assault And Robbery, Daniel will call religion bullshit, which Claire doesn’t take well for swearing and blasphemy.

Man, we aren’t making a good impression on Esteban’s parenting.

-The next morning, we continuously ban Daniel from his power, as well as tell him he doesn’t have to learn. We will now have an uneducated Daniel!

-We’re going to lie to Stephen about our power. It’s just the dementia, old man, you saw nothing! Since he tells us not to tell Claire, not believing us, he now sees Sean as a liar.

-We won’t be doing any chores!

-Daniel will break our rule, and save Chris Eriksen (who looks like that kid from Duck Season) from falling out of a tree house.

How dare Daniel break our rule to save a life! Reprimand that ass, and remind him of the rules. Let. People. Die!

-Sean will log into his social media account, further incriminating himself to the police. I do this anyways, since I call Lyla on a good route, but hey.

As for Lyla..well, we didn’t call her in Episode 1, dooming her. We’ll call in this episode though!

…Oh. She’s been put in a clinic. She has been very distraught and mentally ruined because of our situation. One call could’ve changed it all.

Hm. Well, sorry about that Ly Ly. We’ll also lie about being “Adam”, as getting her mother to incriminate us is funny, but probably indirectly lets Lyla know we tried to call and saves her. We want to avoid any saving graces.

-Daniel’s continuing to hang with his new buddy Chris, who is now delusional abojt having powers. We’ll scold them for using those powers!

-Either decline a superhero name, or be called Professor D, which is disapproved of.

Actually, go Professor D. Thinking about that long enough, it’s hilarious.

-Get the heroes and villains of Chris’s toys completely, completely wrong. The car who killed your mother is a hero, Chris!

-We didn’t seem to gain Chris’ trust, so he wont talk to us about Charles, do we won’t be helping their family grow better.

-We soon get dragged Christmas Shopping, effectively ruining any chances of remaining hidden.

While we’re so cheap that Daniel only gets a stolen yoyo for Christmas, buy the expensive ass Christmas Wreath with the last of our money if we can, which only serves to piss off our grandparents as it’s evidence we went to the market.

-Daniel will once again ask if he should reveal his power. We will once again tell his ass no, and that he better keep the damn secret.

-We won’t donate to or listen to Cassidy’s song

-We won’t be drawing for Chris!

-We’ll be pranking Nick by dumping snow on his back, ruining his clothes, and his day!

-Making it back, we have a chance to learn about our mother! We decide to just break the damn lock, permanently damaging Claire’s home, and making her angry when she finds out.

-Sean wants to burn down everything that belongs to his mom, but Claire foils our plans, and she and Stephen spawn. She rants at us for swearing, rudeness, blasphemy, breaking the door, all that, and Stephen storms off, deciding to go fight a cabinet and lose.

-We now have to rescue Stephen! Lifting it isn’t enough..

DAMN IT DANIEL. I SAID DON’T USE YOUR POWER!

After he sits his ass back down and we continue to lift, we accidentally cripple our grandfather, either costing him a knee or thousands in medical bills.

-It turns out that our reckless social media doomscrolling, calling Lyla’s mom, and our Christmas Market shenanigans, caused the cops to find us.

We make a quick escape, but get cornered by a cop car outside. It starts up, aiming to run us over.

But Chris won’t let this happen. He hilariously bolts in front of the car..Only for the car to swerve and hit him. Turns out the car villain won..

Hey, at least Chris lived. Same can’t be said for his mom. His family must hate cars now.

-Cue Daniel sadly sitting in the woods with Sean, with absolutely no gifts besides a sad yoyo, and a probably dead Chris, as far as he knows. Get over it Daniel, we have a train to hop! I heard there’s a weed farm willing to pay for our labor, and I’m not dumpster diving again!

—EPISODE 3—

-It’s been months later, and we’ve been so poor we couldn’t afford a camera to record our journey up to this point, sorry guys. Bad news, you missed weeks of weed farming. Good news, we got a camera with some of the cash!

-Sean and Daniel seem to have taken our no hygiene lessons seriously, as they are now living their best life as dirty hippies. On the bright side, we got a tent earlier, so we didn’t have to borrow!

-After Sean continues being as awkward as possible with the hippies, he’s going to make a bad impression and not make more coffee after drinking the last cup. Penny will take every possible chance to mention this to Sean.

-Hit a bullseye to piss off Daniel and get a romance point with Finn, only to prove it was a dud and completely whiff the next shot, even before Daniel’s cheating. Still got the romance point!

Actually, researching a bit, Daniel immediately cheats the second time if you get a bullseye the first time. Wonderful.

-And yes, as long as you have Sean be a flirtatious simp with Finn and/or Cassidy, you can still unlock their romance scenes, despite the choices I’ll be listing.

-Absolutely refuse to talk about Karen, to Daniel! We’ll be upsetting him extra badly in this episode.

-Ask Daniel why he doesn’t wear the watch. Due to low brotherhood, Daniel will bluntly say Finn’s wristband is way less lame.

-Intervene when Big Joe slaps Cassidy! Everybody looks at Sean like an annoying white knight, chastising the poor guy, Big Joe threatens him, and it even lowers the romance with Cassidy as it annoys her, making her feel less confident talking with Big Joe that day!

-We make it to our *very* illegal work on the weed farm, especially considering Daniel hasn’t even hit puberty and can’t even fathom smoking the product he’s been cutting.

We’ll be very blunt and rude to Daniel, including moments like when he cuts his fingers, coming off careless and heavily impacting our brotherhood.

-This is all while we keep cutting ourselves, trying to trim a single weed bud. Yeah, Sean’s fingers will be absolutely screwed, and Merril will be pissed we got nothing done.

-Irritate Merril when he’s talking to Sean, like overly apologizing, and getting the conversation cut short, most likely making Sean feel like a loser.

-When we make it back home, Draw Finn! Sean’s going to be chasing after a girl while having his bi awakening with Finn, simultaneously. You’re making us bi’s look stereotypical, Sean!

-Ignore Daniel doing the dishes, struggling lifting the water tanks. Listen, Sean needs to get them gains for Cass! And Finn.

-We’ll try to do the wolf howl, only to look lame, as Daniel will continue to be rude and say we’re wasting time.

-Later we’re having a nice night by the campfire, thinking of all the sins we’ve committed so far. We reveal that we killed a cougar, which of course the hippies don’t like, and we also smoke weed and drink beer (not enough to make Sean too inebriated to tel a story)

-We’ll then refuse to escort Daniel to bed, letting him brave the wilderness alone and get eaten by bears. Finn foils our plans however, safely escorting Daniel instead. Damnit.

-After we neglect our brother to get some booty, we’re soon subjected to an awful haircut as punishment. At least we get to talk with the others!

-In which we’ll have Sean try to be impressive and say he had “Many girlfriends”, not realizing this deducts his chances with Cass by 2, and Finn by 1. Probably because he sounds like a douchebag.

-And that night is over! We got an awful haircut, our brother absolutely *despises* us, and we came out as cougar-killing douchebags. I say that’s a success!

The next morning we’re forced to try to make a living again, back at the weed farm. Sean already prepared the first aid kit, as he knows he’ll probably actually chop off a finger by accident this time.

Merril gives us a rundown of our work so far! As we only trimmed one bud at most, he ended up giving the dealers more of Sean’s cut skin than actual weed buds, so he’s a bit pissed.

We’re already probably about to get a pay cut for this blunder, but Daniel is three steps ahead with his stupidity, sneaking into a drug dealer’s home.

-Merril decides the best solution to this is child abuse, and proceeds to order Big Joe to beat a little kid, walking away.

Sean has no qualms with this, letting this play out. Sadly Daniel knows how to defend himself, and throws an ashtray at Big Joe.

But we aren’t any fools, so we keep our mouth shut. Sean’s twink ass, trying to take on Big Joe? Please.

Unfortunately Finn thinks his twink ass is any better, but all that earns him is a big punch to the face and a bruise. And now Daniel has to deal with the fact that Sean was about to let him get beaten, and Finn had to step in.

-Due to Daniel’s bullshit, we now have to reveal to the group that he is, in fact, an Airbender. They try to see if we knew any Firebenders so they could light up their blunts, but no such luck. Try looking into Rachel from Before The Storm, guys. Some theories suggest she’s a fire gal.

-Finn’s first plan is to use Daniel for a GTA Online heist, which is wild. But Sean actually finds Finn’s quick thinking impressive.

Hence, we will agree to effectively use Daniel as our little weapon. Totally ethical! Endangering our bro, risking armed adults, for some quick cash, putting all the weight on his shoulders!

-We’ll take this chance to have Sean explore his sexuality and kiss Finn, giving him a million more things to think about. In this route, they’re quite literally partners in crime!

Plus, it makes the things we’ll do next even juicier!

-We’ll immediately agree to the tattoo from Cassidy for bonus points with her! And for Sean to have something to permanently remind him of his future mistakes.

-We’ll also accept to go skinny dipping with Cassidy! Finally seeing his chance to get laid, Sean refuses to ruin it by telling her he agreed to the heist that she very visibly disapproved of.

He already reached the first step! He managed to secure a kiss from Cassidy!

…Man he is an utter jerk in this route. Two timing Finn and Cass! Flirting is one thing, but kissing!?

-Unfortunately, juuuust as she’s about to invite us into her tent for some fun time, Daniel pulls the most little brother move ever and ruins it, Coming along with Finn and revealing the heist.

Pissed off beyond all hell, Cassidy storms off, feeling especially used by Sean. If she’s upset about being lied to with the heist then kissed, then let’s be glad she didn’t discover we kissed Finn before we kissed her.

-Oh well. One broken heart never killed anyone! Let’s make way toward our very immoral heist! Surprisingly, we don’t mess this up.

-Inside the house, Daniel thinks Sean’s plan to carry the safe out the house is stupid, and decides to break it open right there in the living room. Not so shockingly, this alerts Merril.

Little does Merril know, due to our succesful heist..we have acquired the gun! It’s a surprise tool that’ll help us later!

-Anyway, We now have a shotgun pointed at us, and Merril is telling us to get on our knees. We could listen. We could discuss.

Or we could GUN!

Let’s GUN!

-We shot Merril in the shoulder!

..Annnd Merril shoots Finn in retaliation. Because fuck Finn in particular. Dont shoot the guy who just shot you with the gun, shoot the guy who’s going “Merril, don’t!-“. Merril logic!

Anyway yeah, sorry about that Daniel. Kinda got your friend shot dead. With this choice, everything is kinda literally Sean’s fault, and I wouldn’t be shocked if Daniel blamed him more for directly getting Finn shot.

Damn Daniel, calm down! It’s just one dead guy! He was my boyfriend! I feel awful about this too!

-After Daniel spends some extra time tossing Sean around the room, he then goes into his usual Akira rage mode, and then proceeds to Arcadia Bay the entire living room.

As in, the living room was destroyed, if that wasn’t clear. And we all got knocked out.

-*Cue copyrighted song*

“I never meant to hurt youuu..Please never go awayyyyy”

My ASS. Daniel, you have every motive in the book to injure Sean, I wouldn’t be shocked if you deliberately picked up the glass shard and jabbed it into his eye in this route.

Anyway, Sean’s out cold. Jee, I wonder why.

—EPISODE 4—

-Welp, we’re a bunch of failures. Our brother is missing halfway across the damn state, I’m arrested, and I’m missing an eye in the hospital.

Surely things can’t get worse!

-Agent Flores, with her cunning agent self, comes in trying to do peaceful manipulative wordplay for information. After being as aggressive and incriminating as possible, Sean will rat out to Flores that the heist was Finn’s idea. Pin it all on the dead guy!

-As much as we enjoy this strawberry jello and bread as dry as croutons, Hospital food isn’t cutting it anymore. Hearing of a new McDonald’s down the street, Sean makes a plan to break out immediately.

Oh yeah. And find his brother too. Somehow. Thank goodness Gaycob- I mean, Jacob- gave us a location, or else the game would’ve ended right here.

-We can’t escape this high security hospital however, without cracking a few eggs.

..That few eggs being, Joey’s skull. It got cracked when Sean hit him in the head with a pipe. Sean tried to get Joey to help, Joey refused due to our awful convincing, and it all went wrong. Sorry about that Joey.

-During our escape, we come across Merril unconscious, who Sean says he refuses to cry over.

I mean yeah, he’s a bad dude Sean, but he has a family, and if he was so frantic with getting work done to take care of them, then Im assuming they can’t afford to be without him for long. And he only killed Finn because you shot him in the shoulder. Not to mention the bullet wound likely complicates the whole medical process. At least the extra bills the hospital will attack him with.

Merril is a victim in this route.

-Anyway, we commit another crime and hijack yet another car, ruining a hardworking doctor’s day.

Sean doesn’t make it long before falling asleep, in which we have a dream where our father judges us for our choices. He’s supportive of our dead boyfriend though!

-Before Sean can get into the details of Daniel ruining him getting laid, we’re rudely woken up by a hillbilly, Chad. Looks too poor to afford a TV that isn’t a box, yet has enough money to get an Xbox and bully children online. This dude DEFINITELY thinks cleaning his ass in the shower is gay.

His friend’s decent enough, but that doesn’t save us from the absolute asswhooping coming our way.

Soyjack Virgin Sean VS Chad Chad!

First, Soyjack Virgin Sean will try to get Daniel’s sketch tablet back, getting it broken by The Chad. This also earns him a nasty headbutt to his only working eye.

Next..Sean will fail to listen to the guys in doing spanish. Honestly, I think the best route is just saying the spanish words, as it’s less humiliation than being forced to sing, and getting beaten is just something Sean didn’t deserve at that point, especially considering the trek he’s about to do.

He’ll refuse to sing, resulting in a major damn beating from The Chad. Poor Sean has to take the broken sketchpad and get out of there, terribly hurt.

-Unfortunately we lost the car a few days later, because apparently vehicles need gas to run. Oh well, I’m sure that lady will find her car one day.

-We’ll have Sean sit down as little as possible, as well as not drink water. Just overall make him suffer.

-Soon, a truck driver pulls up next to Sean, offering him a ride in a comfortable seat and air conditioning. There’s even a delicious sandwich in there!

But because Sean has seen one too many videos of this ending with a person on the side of the road in their underwear, he politely declines, allowing the truck to drive off.

-This means Sean will walk even more miles in the desert heat, exhausted, thirsty starving, and severely beaten.

How he didn’t die is beyond me.

-We’ll donate to the church, but only because Sean thinks this is his ticket to Heaven, and because this effectively wastes the money, as the church burns down later. With the money inside.

-We soon reunite with Daniel, who we nag and guilt trip the hell out of over our missing eye. I’m not letting this one go!

-After being as rude and aggressive as we can, Nicholas drags Sean out like we’re Lyla at the psych ward. Sean tries to stand up, But Nicholas punches him down, giving him a big bruise on the cheek.

What is up with the grown men in this game beating on Sean like they’re his age.

-Before we can go back in there and practice our karate, We get interrupted by our mother being so selfish, she steals my spotlight in this moment by revealing herself after 10 or so years.

-She saves Sean’s life by buying a motel room and some burgers, allowing Sean to rest up, shower, and eat. He would’ve definitely perished otherwise, with our choices.

-We’ll thank her by giving her 5 minutes of our day to talk outside. Of course, this only results in us choosing every horrible option, including “It’s too fucking late for apologies”

We’ll end out with 8 to our Karen Resentment score, which’ll make our bond with Karen -8 in the next episode. Which makes it even worse than if we had just cut the conversation short, which automatically sets the bond to -7!

Basically, Sean won’t be forgiving her anytime soon.

-In turn, she’ll refuse to even offer to clean our eye, leaving us to do it.

-We get back in contact with Jacob, who Sean immediately threatens. i mean, justified. What was Jacob’s bright ass idea, bringing this “miracle” to a place he knew pretty much ran like a cult.

-Sneaking inside the church, we do everything we can to alert Telltale’s Bruce Wayne. Ahem, I mean, Nicholas.

But for real, compare the two and tell me they don’t look similar, at least when Bruce is in that white button up. Anyway,

To alert the guests, we’ll be walking right in front of them, telling Derek we’re Sean, then say nothing else.

For Helen, who rats us out regardless unless we’re silent, we’ll tell her Jacob is showing us around, which is technically the truth.

I hope Derek and Helen are happy with the fact they got a teen beaten today.

-Be as messy as possible in Lisbeth’s house. Unfortunately, leave Daniel’s raccoon sweater if you want that sad tragedy.

But yeah, bust open the lock with the fire extinguisher and things like that. Leave the drawers open. Basically be the worst and most obvious criminal ever.

-We will share the money with Jacob! Yes, this is the bad choice. I will not be convinced otherwise. Jacob has his own money, and way more availability to work and earn it, and did not go through nearly the same shit Sean did for it, and not to mention it’s needed much more direly for the wolf brothers. Jacob pays for Sarah’s medicine either way, they literally use the money to surf in a beach house, while Sean and/or Daniel are fucked over financially after everything they worked for.

Nevertheless, we want to leave them broke in this route, so enjoy your beach house, Sarah Lee.

-Fuck, Nicholas is here, and he’s quickly searching everywhere because of our obviousness.

Karen will offer a distraction. Good, go be useful for once! She’ll go burn down a barn and commit literal arson.

..Which proves to be useless, as we get caught anyways.

-Yeah, Sean isn’t the brightest bulb in the shed. Jacob tries to tell us to hide, but Sean stands right in front of the door. He thinks that him and Jacob can take on Nicholas.

Unfortunately, Jacob immediately ditches Sean and hides as the door opens, leaving Nicholas to show off his inner Batman/Bruce Wayne moves on Sean’s stomach and face. Even more violence upon the boy.

Jacob tries to intervene, but gets backslapped and called a slur. And thinks that justifies him literally leaving Sean to be dragged off, while he stays there and leaves for Sarah Lee.

What if Sean was put to execution by Lisbeth and Nicholas?! The dude has a gun. Jacob is an asshole for this one, especially after we gave him the cash.

-Because of our absolutely awful choices and dialogues, Daniel will remain as convinced as a mule.

-After Sean literally gets beat to a pulp, Daniel finally decides to listen. As we flee, he gets upset at Lisbeth, lifting her into the air, ready to kill her.

But Sean isn’t going to let his brother get such a sick kill. Stealing Daniel’s kill, he takes Nicholas’ gun and shoots Lisbeth midair. Double points!

Hm. Daniel and Karen don’t seem too proud of us.

…And we quite literally, actually, made Sean responsible for murder. No more false accusations, his ass actually killed someone. Nice!

-And so we end the episode, walking out of a burning church, leaving Nicholas to run out alone.

..The dude could’ve still picked up Lisbeth’s body. Instead, he left it to burn.

—EPISODE 5—

-We start the episode with it being revealed that the final step of our pokemon evolution, from homeless kids, to spoiled grandchildren, to hippies, to punching bag, to desert hippies. Im rather disappointed.

-Have Sean show no regrets in killing Lisbeth, when asked by Daniel. Her or us! We’re teaching him amazing things.

-Let Daniel play with the poor scorpion, traumatizing the poor thing for life.

-Reaffirm Daniel that he and Sean are not criminals. I usually do this in a good route, but after everything we’ve done in this route? Assault and robbery, shot a dude, killed Lisbeth..yeah we’re quite literally criminals.

-Tell Daniel he’s too old for wolf stories. I mean, he was allll about that in Episode 3.

-Don’t help Daniel off the cliff, just like the old days!

-And refuse to do the sculpture, for the woman currently dying. Real nice Sean. Daniel gwts upset too.

-Especially because we refuse to do the treasure hunt with him!

-We’ll soon meet our buddy pal David from Life Is Strange! So far, he’s met two maniacs with powers!

Mind you, in this timeline, Max terrorized his ass and directly ruined his family. I’m shocked he’s still in contact with her.

-When Karen tries to be supportive for once and tells us to follow our murderous dreams, tell her thats not what Esteban taught us. Not only is it hypocritical since we just shot a lady, but Karen doesn’t like that.

-Don’t leave Karen a note! Considering what happens later, not giving her any parting words is quite sad.

-We won’t be saying farewell to Arthur, Stanley, or Joan! See you later, NPCs!

-We won’t be giving Karen a hug either.

Our bond with her is in the toilet by the way.

-We finally set back on our trip to Mexico! Daniel brings up how he can’t even speak that language, but we decide we’ll figure it out when we get there.

-Well, we got to the border. We opened it.

The problem is, Daniel just got shot unconscious by PS2 Abby from The Last Of Us, and we’re currently being pinned to the ground after being hit with a gun.

Damn Sean, at this point, fight back. Pinch a bitch or something. You are getting your ass absolutely handed to you by everyone.

-The cops rescue us, but considering we’re criminals probably deserving of the death sentence at this point, that’s not a good thing.

-Welp, we’re in prison. Roll credits!

No? Game isn’t over yet? We can mess up more!?

Fine fine. Try to break the chain while on camera. Tell the cop interrogating you that you’re a supervillain, dont try to explain things/earn sympathy, nothing of that sort. Sean incriminates himself more with every passing second.

Daniel eventually saves us, but we’ve quite literally created a monster, as he doesnt give a damn he threw the officer so hard the stone wall cracked.

We’ll also abandon Diego and Carla to rot in their cell, while taking revenge on the vigilantes, most definitely making them even more racist and hateful.

We are AMAZING people.

-Oh crap, the cops are coming. While it’d be funny to get Sean hit yet again (he even acknowledges it with “I’m used to it..”), it’s more awful to kill two innocent officers.

Especially considering we’re telling our child brother to break their spines. Daniel, now, is an actual killer. I guess Sean killing Lisbeth wasn’t to prevent that.

-Since we’re understandably now in very deep shit, considering we probably killed like 4 officers, assaulted vigilantes, and left immigrants locked up. Well, sadly, we’d probably be celebrated for the last one, by the police.

-And here we are guys. The final choice. The brothers are at the border, cops blocking them in. Sean and Daniel are literally both killers now. There’s no easy way out of this.

They’ve come so far. Done so much.

…Only for Sean to surrender. Fucking *damn it* Sean fucking Diaz, you did it again, you fucked up.

-Daniel has a justifiable crashout. I mean, I understand.

Sean and Daniel literally went on the run, went through all the shit they went through, from cults to weed farm shootouts, just for Sean to waste everything they’ve been through and surrender? Chris almost died to help us escape.

-..Unfortunately, this crashout leads to Daniel somehow knowing how to forcedrive a car through living people. The mental energy he puts into this, leads to him not focusing on shielding from the bullets.

…Allowing one to slip through and hit Sean. Who darkly dies, painfully, coughing on his blood, with Daniel screaming for him.

…Damn this route went from hilarious to tragic real quick.

-I guess the remaining officers didn’t want to approach that dramatic scene, leaving Daniel to cry with Sean’s corpse and called it a day, because Daniel made it to Mexico. Either that, or the cops were like the Seabear, saw that Daniel crossed the line to Mexico, and let him free.

Anyway, we’re having a timeskip, to see the depths of our choices.

Daniel, poor as shit since we gave Jacob our money, is alone in Mexico, forced to become a gangster anomaly. He dyed his hair blonde, either to represent Chris, or his mother who likely is in jail for arson.

Some dumb gangsters try to threaten Daniel, and while he has literally every reason to kill them in this route..he doesn’t! I would say redemption but..with how we raised Daniel, I don’t even think that’s possible.

Either way buddy, I suggest you use the next bank robbery money, for some therapy.

—END—

And that’s it everyone! Man, between this, and Max killing an entire town (even Chloe has a direct murder on her hands), we’re effectively turning the world into a terrible place, and showing that the powers bring more harm than good.

Don’t worry, we’ve already arranged for Javi to get a jaw transplant within the next 50 or so years

Unfortunately we lost Luke in the making of this impractical joke.

The images summarize this Season’s events pretty well, if the post is too long!
One image will be in the comments, since the post won’t post otherwise.

And here we are folks..The ultimate finale of our worst possible timeline. We’ve had Lee raise Clementine in the worst possible way. She then went on to be a demon child. Javi certainly didnt make her worldview any better. But it’s not just her story; Even the 400 Days characters and Michonne are proving the world is fucked off in this timeline. Each of those links on the words should lead you to previous parts, unless Reddit updates and removes these links in the next few years and effectively fucks me over.

With so many deaths that didnt need to happen, even for a Telltale game, so many walkers left to roam, and so many people filled with hate and vengeance,..It’s safe to say, this is the worst possible timeline, worst possible choices, worst endings..And all of the above!

Before we get into Season 4’s choices, let’s get into what built Clementine into who she is now, with a quick recap!

—CLEMENTINE’S ADVENTURE SO FAR!🍊—

-She has been starved. Ingame, the only thing she ate onscreen was Mark’s legs because Lee stayed upstairs for 30 seconds. She wasn’t fed a protein bar in the drug store, nor any rations in Episode 2. I hope she gets to eat next time 🥺 (UPDATE! She got to eat quite a few times! A whole few beans, some porridge, and the nastiest peach and beans known to man! Then she starved ever since her slave labor at Carver’s, until she had to live off of rare rabbits when living alone with AJ.)

-Lee constantly failed to save her, such as in episode 1, Carley had to shoot the zombie. Lee was also very rude, not only telling her off for needing to use the bathroom, but also refusing to look for her hat, not looking for her parents, let her go to Crawford, etc.

-She probably doesn’t see Lee as the best man, since he let her best friend Ben die, and killed multiple people in front of her. He taught her pretty awful things.

-Lee taught her little to no life lessons due to being silent, or the worst ones when there was no other choice

-She cleaved her kidnapper in the shoulder then shot his brains out.

-But then had to leave Lee as a one armed zombie, unhandcuffed, left to wander the world.

-So many lives are on her hands and conscience due to Season 2, and she was an awful person. She abandoned Christa, abandoned Pete to die, said nothing to Matthew getting shot, made Walter let Nick die, directly caused Alvin to get shot by supporting Kenny shooting Carver, chopped Sarita’s arm and head in a horde, abandoned Sarah, literally watched Luke and Bonnie drown under ice, shot Mike (non canon but we’re making it canon!), watched Kenny stab Jane, only to shoot Kenny in the head afterward. This Clementine is a legit monster.

-She also suffered many wounds, constantly getting abused by Carver and Troy, possibly gaining a cheek scar. It doesn’t help we also went the Alone ending, the objectively worst one, so she had to endure finding baby formula, food, water, places to sleep for AJ and her, and on top of it? She had a car door smashed on her finger, and had to cut it off.

-Javier gave her no break. He was constantly rude to her, guilt tripped her, sold her out both in Prescott and to Conrad (only for Conrad to get ran over by Kate), constantly called her a liar, didnt help her with her period, let her nearly die many times, and was just an overall awful guy to her.

-Javier made her stab Lingard in the head for AJ’s info.

-She then went with Javi to save Richmond with Kate, only to lose her love interest Gabe, holding his hand in his final moments. Due to Javi’s awful choices, he lost his entire family, with Kate even leaving him.

-Only for the person responsible, Joan, to get away. Im sure she’s making the war in Richmond quite troublesome at the moment, especially since David isnt alive to help, one of the doctors is dead, the other doctor hates Javi, and the two possible leaders, Kate and Javi, arent even talking to eachother.

-By rejecting safety and shelter from Ava, forcibly injecting AJ with medicine and wasting it, and spitting on David, the game seems to look on the bright side of things, because all of this somehow deems her “An Expert Survivor”.

And that’s what I can remember, of Clementine’s wonderful adventure so far! Time for Clementine’s Worst Ending to her journey..and how she’ll continue the cycle of trauma with AJ!

—EPISODE 1—

-We start the episode with Shitbird, a.k.a AJ, annoying Clementine with the fact they have no bullets, since they used most of them shooting up a retirement home of old survivors. AJ tells us he’s hungry, and after Clementine, outside of our control, tries to do literally everything except feed AJ, she’s forced to give up the last few crumbs of our Barbecue Lays. Clementine promises we’ll find more food, but she’s going to fail that promise, as we’re going to avoid the optional can of beans in the train station.

-After some tutorial segments, and collecting an awesome deer skull (ONLY collect the skull collectibles. Maybe the venus flytrap. We want the school kids to think Clementine is insane or scary as hell.), we come across a walker couple who want to be left alone, tied to a chair.

Clementine debates what’s better. She doesnt think or care for souls inside of walkers, unless she can make them suffer, She’s debating, leave the walkers to suffer and probably kill someone later, or mess up their wish and kill them?

Hm. Well, leaving them seems like it could end in disaster. And since we’ll be disagreeing with James’ theory about walkers being alive, we’re pretty much doing it to be an awful parent, and send AJ through that window.

-Now AJ, what lesson do we do when entering new rooms? Check for windows. Idk. Not for exit points, but dirty windows are the main flaw of the apocalypse.

-Now, true lesson with your gun; Save the last bullet for yourself. This is a messed up thing to teach a kid by the way. Basically, be ready to give up and kill yourself. Perfect for this route!

-After we soon get bombed by the walker couple we left alive, we have to hastily make our escape. We try to drive away, but a walker grabs us, and we need AJ’s help. Unfortunately he forgot we have two bullets left and not one, and he insists on saving the last for himself, not shooting the zombie, resulting in us crashing the car.

-One concussion later, we wake up in some form of bed. Last time we went through THIS rodeo we had to have a talk with Gabe about how spiking drinks isn’t socially acceptable, so Clementine rips off her binds and is ready to stab the first fucker she sees.

-Which turns out to be Tennessee. Or Connecticut. I can’t remember. Either way, we pin Argentina against the wall, threatening his life. Unfortunately Marlon and his fuckass mullet is one step ahead, having a bow aimed at us. Since he doesn’t hesitate to shoot Clementine here as the game over tells us, we have no choice but to refrain from child murder today. Disappointing.

-We then threaten another child, telling Wet Willy we’ll break his teeth if he keeps looking at us like his next gooner material. He gets the message and runs off.

-Marlon doesn’t even bother to give us a tour, letting us go and find Louis, or in other words, allowing Clementine to rob them if she really wanted. After we steal jars of porridge from them, we set off to find Louis.

-Ruby comes in angry about the bite taken out of her hand, and Clementine understands, as AJ was ravaged by a family of raccoons the other day so he effectively has rabies. Regardless, she defends AJ, stating she will stab anyone who threatens that boy, basically being a Yandere but Parent Edition. She will in fact, kill for her child.

-AJ reunites with his beloved gun, which Louis questions. In the rudest way possible, we tell him we know what we’re doing, and move along.

-We soon meet Louis. Immediately simping for our badass Psycho Girl, he belts out into his Oh Darling Clementine song. Clementine tells him to shut it down, and that she’s copyrighting his song for using her name.

-We don’t allow AJ to play the piano, as Clementine is Blasian, meaning half asian, meaning her child gets no fun until she sees A+ grades on that report card.

-We’re forced to earn our keep and risk our lives defending our school. Violet blames us for bringing the gooners, but I shoot back with saying my life is more valuable than all of theirs combined. Imagine how hilarious it’d be if Clementine died here, leaving the school to deal with AJ. Anyway, after ignoring Louis’ inefficient log traps, we continue along our way. Though we also annoy the hell out of Violet, as me and Louis pump eachother up, boasting ourselves.

-Later on we’re talking with the rest of the crew. Marlon comes to tell us we’ve earned our scraps of food, but AJ is a big boy who demand big portions, so he elbows Marlon in the balls and runs off.

-You can avoid apologizing to Ruby, so we’ll be doing that. Teaching AJ all the wrong things!

-AJ rudely snatches Aasim’s book. There is literally no reason not to give it back, but because we’re assholes, we’ll let AJ read Aasim’s private business and likely make him never trust or truly like us.

-I think it’s possible not to introduce ourselves to Willy and Mitch fully. If Im wrong, then earlier make AJ stop swearing, so they’re less impressed. We’ll let him swear later when he asks anyways.

-Bug the hell out of Omar about dinner. Doing this is hilarious. He grills Clementine about patience.

-We’ll talk to Tenn and Violet, and proceed not to pay any respects to Sophie and Minnie’s graves. Clem’s intuition tells us one of them will be a problem later.

-When we finally get to our stew, AJ starts eating it like a caveman, slurping it down and burping. We could discourage him, but we’ll burp with him and make Ruby miss the rest of her meal instead, as she storms off angry and disgusted.

-Mess up the card game as much as possible. Refuse to answer about AJ’s parents for example, since Clementine got Alvin shot then directly shot Rebecca after depriving her of nourishment. She doesn’t want to confess any crimes today.

-Clem’s two questions she’ll ask, is worst thing eaten, and Marlon’s haircut. I feel bad for offending Marlon in a good route, but its fun to do here. Plus, Clementine will “joke” about eating Mark’s legs, which, in this case, is true. Man, no wonder the school kids are horrified of her. Clem’s “I’m joking” and Violet’s “Are you?” Says it all.

We’ll crush Louis’s dreams by telling him we have a boyfriend. Well, to be fair, he still has a chance, since Gabe is in fact dead.

We’ll then be silent to Marlon’s question of who took care of Clem, or rudely refuse to answer. It completely ruins the mood, yet the game still continues.

We’ll then tell Violet we think she’ll die first, since she gets the most offended.

I forgot if we can tell them if we left Lee to die. If so, do that. If not, be silent and make Louis feel even worse for asking the question!

-Keep the coloring box Violet offers later. It’s a jackass move since Tenn is expecting them and they literally belonged to his sisters, but we’ll deprive him of that.

-Be silent when Violet vents

-Let AJ sleep on the floor like the hobo baby he is! I mean, I imagine a sore back and overall body isnt pleasant even for a toddler. But hey, he wanted to. And since the apocalypse most definitely has roaches and rats, enjoy that rest on the floor AJ, dont let the floor bugs bite.

-The next morning, before talking to Marlon, AJ will commit theft on Tenn’s policeman toy. The irony. Clementine will enable this literal spoiling and thievery, and let him keep the toy.

-Clementine will refuse to bond with Rosie. Sorry girl, Clementine’s just an asshole in this route.

-We’ll be absolutely useless in the hunting vs. fishing choice.

For one, we’ll go hunting, missing the chance to help Brody bond with Violet before her death and giving Violet that closure. Then we’ll piss off Aasim by goofing off with Louis, only to refuse to swing the bat.

Ah, fun times! Oh yeah, we also killed a baby rabbit. And Abel trashes the fishing shack in this route!

-After that absolute failure, Clementine then breaks all community boundaries and takes Louis and Violet outside the safe zone. Im sure this will go well.

After offering Louis up to die as a distraction, we sneak inside the station!

-A WILD ABEL APPEARED!

You know what, Im sick of these pokemon battles. *Pushes Abel through the window to be devoured*

-After we got our jars of Randomly Textured Food, courtesy of probably murdering a man just now, we make it back.

Brody’s ungrateful ass tries to tell us that we should’ve made sure Abel was dead because he has plot armor. Clementine shoots back and tells her off, saying that she has the most plot armor of all, she’ll be fine. Pissed at how selfish Clementine is, Brody storms off.

-We won’t allow Tenn to draw us, as Clementine thinks his drawing skills suck, especially since we took most of his colors. Plus, Clementine copyrighted her face, so thats defamation of character. Probably.

Just to be safe, ban AJ from being drawn, making Tenn ruin his drawing and scribble out AJ. We wont be thinking of a peaceful afterlife!

-Tell AJ you’re uncertain about the school. These kids must perish.

-FAST FORWARD! Clementine seems to have deleted some of our footage..

-Hi, I’m Clementine. You’re probably wondering why Brody is dead, a zombie, and i’m locked in a basement by Marlon.

I totally DIDNT murder Brody for sassing me earlier, and Marlon got away before I could kill him next, heroically locking me inside. No, that’s not what happened at all..

You see, Marlon gave away Tenn’s sisters. Brody snitched on Marlon. Marlon didnt like that and bonked her in the head.

Anyway, after bashing Brody’s head, time to pull out my inner phoenix wright skills on Marlon.

-After being as unconvincing as possible, Clementine will somehow get the others on her side. But she needs to appeal to Louis or Violet first.

Hmm. Louis likes us. Lets use his feelings and crush on us, and manipulate him against his best friend, making Marlon feel alone!

-After everyone comes against Marlon, take the chance and go for the gun, which is completely unnecessary by this point, but hey, Clementine gets to knee and pistol whip Marlon.

We then say he has to leave out into the wilderness to become Walker Chow, but AJ has other plans. And I’m convinced the other kids wanted Marlon dead, because somehow nobody saw AJ walk around to Marlon, get the gun (especially since its next to Clementine if she takes it from Marlon), and shoot him. But hey.

-At least AJ saved the last bullet for himself. Man, we are raising one messed up kid.

—EPISODE 2—

-We start the episode back in our room, contemplating our life choices. Clementine wants to throw AJ in front of a car for ruining her chance at love, food, and sleep, but since she crashed the only working car, her options are limited. Luckily AJ saves himself by getting Clementine the most bitter yet watery coffee to exist, as Starbucks isn’t exactly still standing.

-Clementine has flashbacks to the previous night. Everytime someone accused AJ, we were either silent and let them talk about him, or got ridiculously aggressive.

-We tell AJ he is justified for killing Marlon, which he is very much so not. I mean, he took it upon himself to grab a weapon, and shoot a disarmed or talked down person, with no say from anyone else. Shooting Marlon wasn’t his call to make, rather or not Marlon deserved it.

Not that Clementine cares about any of this. She will encourage a toddler that shooting defeated teenagers is okay. This bewilders the hell out of the other kids, making them look at Clementine even worse.

-We forcibly disarm Mitch, because we have literally stabbed way more people than he ever has, so he his best bet is to not even try it.

-AJ brings up how we ditched Lee to be a one armed zombie, probably still roaming the earth, but any mention of Lee is traumatizing to Clementine, so she yells at AJ for bringing it up.

-We try to lie to the other students about saying AJ needs to be punished for Marlon’s crimes, but AJ rats us out to the other kids.

-The kids turn out to be avid supporters of Democracy, and have decided to put things to a vote. While Violet has been defending us, she knows Clementine’s and AJ’s chances are slim after the shit they’ve been pulling.

-We are soon kicked out of the school, and since we weren’t even given a can of the food we found for them, we’re going to betray their asses the first chance we get. Louis tries to take our gun, but that’s our Surprise Tool for murder, so we politely decline, pissing him off.

Listen Louis, in this route, we can at least say your behavior here is what caused Clementine to shift and start choosing the most aggressive options with you.

-Fast forward, we’re now in our hunger games era as we are in the forest, having to fend for ourselves. Sadly we dont even make it 5 minutes alone, as we are now being pinned to the floor, rifle to our head, and AJ just gained a concussion from being whacked in the head by Abel, who is missing a gooning arm due to us trying to kill him earlier.

Why they gave the one dude who can lose an arm, a pump shotgun as his main weapon, is beyond me. They should’ve just had him keep the pistol.

-We’re kicked around, until we realize our captor is..Lilly! Come on Lilly, you’ve gotta give me some leniency here. You saved Lee from Andy, Lee forcefed you rat jerky, and..

Oh. Well, he did leave you on the side of the road to die. Maybe stomping on Clementine’s stomach for backtalk is slightly more fair.

Who am I kidding. Clementine’s gonna get her ass for this one.

-Lilly tries to offer us her hand as if she didnt just squash our kidneys, so Clementine declines, getting up on her own.

Though, she is intrigued by the idea of selling the school to these raiders. She’ll stay silent, considering Lilly’s offer.

-Unfortunately before Clementine and Lilly can shake hands and agree upon their deal, Violet and Louis come sneaking back, having heard the commotion.

We could make sure they stay safe, and tell them to run..but screw them. Open fire, Vi!

Ooo, nasty shoulder wound for Lilly.

..And ouch, Louis got blasted in the arm. Sorry about that, Louis, Hopefully it doesnt hurt much to lift your arm for your piano.

-We quickly flee, assisted by the hordes of walkers. However, Clementine wonders if she’s been drugged again once one of them start speaking, only to be revealed to be a person. He leads Clementine to safety.

Turns out he’s a pacifist, otherwise known as our mortal enemy. He wants us to distract a walker rather than kill it, and while its tempting to leave a walker out there to kill someone, there hasnt been a single soul seen out here for miles besides the Delta, so we’ll take our chances and kill it instead, just to prove a point to James.

He tries to offer us an apple afterward, but Clem’s no Snow White, and we haven’t gotten to The Wolf Among Us tragic playthrough yet. We refuse, denying AJ a meal. He’s used to it.

-The next morning we make it back. After Willy nearly kills James, he decides to depart. After that, Louis helps carry AJ back, which is difficult with a shotgun blast to the arm. But Clementine will be silent, offering no sympathy.

-Talking with Violet, argue with and blame her, as if she wasnt the one person actively backing up AJ and Clem. I’m sure she’ll appreciate that one.

-We’re soon sent out with Mitch, who wants to kill us, and Ruby, who’s missing a few screws since she thought a medkit could help a headshot Marlon. Nevertheless, we keep picking a fight with Mitch and be rude or silent to Ruby when possible.

-Clementine will of course, regret this, as I think theres a QTE you can fail, and Mitch saves you.

Clementine repays this favor by burning Ms Martin, much to Ruby’s horror. Like, this is literally so messed up. Ruby JUST gave kind words about how Ms Martin was a hero who cared for them, and Clementine goes and burns the corpse with Mitch. Mitch appreciates it, but hey, he dies anyway.

That corpse couldve helped the nearby plants, by the way.

-Anyway, we get to the rest of the school. Learning harsh military routines from David, she whips the kids up in shape, having them fortify the school. If she’s going to stay here and those pests have to be there too, she’s going to turn them into minions and slaves, Carver style.

-Absolutely suck at the bow game with Louis. Im sure that inspires his confidence in her skills. Actually, he wont even witness it, because he’ll walk away after she refuses to forgive him.

-Log trap or brick trap? Well, as Aasim said, log trap is inefficient. So lets set up a whole log to kill ONE guy! Since it hits him in the torso later, Im pretty sure that he’ll become a walker, rather than if we did bricks to the head.

-During Truth or Dare, we have to choose Marry, Flip, Kill. I forgot whether choosing Marry or Flip Aasim makes him do the “Not interested, Clem” dialogue, with Clem bluntly saying “Im not, either”, but whichever one results in that.

-Dare Aasim to kiss a walker head. Force your friend to commit necrophilia, and risk giving him 50 diseases! I dont care if its just a cheek, your exposed lips on a rotting corpse head that’s literally infested with bacteria, is guaranteed infection. Aasim may not have gotten the walker virus thing, but I bet you 50 bucks he got Corona or some strain of Aids from THAT move. Thanks Clem.

Ruby has to kiss those lips, you know.

-Completely crush Tenn’s dreams of there being an end to walkers. Sorry bud, with how the world is in this route and the fresh walkers we’re adding to the world, thats never going to happen.

-Hmm. Louis and Violet seem to be throwing us signals. Our psychopathic behavior has drawn them to us like we’re an episode of Animal Planet.

And so, The Wild Clementine chooses her mate. Louis, who we havent forgiven and have actively been antagonizing this entire episode,

Or Violet, who we’ve also been antagonizing from the start. Wonderful choices.

We’ll go Louis, even though he’s my preferred path in a good route. You’ll see why, for maximum tragedy..

-While it’s so tempting to call Louis cute, carve a heart, all that, JUST to stay silent or friendzone him..We’ll be romancing him in this route. So he gets lucky! Sadly for him, we do the inverse; be silent or blunt all the way until we suddenly drop the fact that we do, in fact, like him. Louis, despite his very negative interactions with Clementine so far, takes this as them being a couple.

Ah, such a wonderful, toxic journey.

-We’re soon interrupted as we’re alerted of an attack on the school. People will either die or be kidnapped, and Clementine is ready for either.

Omar got shot, but Clementine doesn’t really care because she isn’t hungry right now. Lilly breaks in, talking mess to us about Lee. While I wish we could bring up her dead father, Clementine doesn’t think of that, so we settle with intense death threats that leave Lilly unimpressed.

She tries to call out for the other kids, but Tenn, being the dumbass he is, listens. Clementine decides to repay him by staying silent, letting Lilly grab and kidnap his ass.

Unfortunately Mitch foils our plans by blowing up the cart, and then running to save Tenn. Thankfully, Lilly does us a solid and stabs him in the throat, upsetting everyone except Clementine.

-Clementine then commits murder by having a swinging log crash into Yonatan, one of the raiders. Ouch.

-We’re soon fighting an old smoker, Abel. What happens here, is up to you; either we slash the only hand he has, even though he dies anyways, or we let Clementine get punched by a grown man. Which sounds worse to you?

Yeah, Clementine getting hit by a grown man doesn’t sound pleasant. Sorry Clementine.

-Thankfully AJ gets his getback, as we let him taught him he can call dibs on lives. He whacks Abel brutally, giving him a nosebleed, then we punch the man off balcony, breaking his leg.

-We’re soon confronted with saving our boyfriend, or saving the girl who hates us, yet just tackled Lilly to save us, who pulled the trigger, about to literally kill the girl she knew since season 1.

This is a hard one. This choice alone, is a pivotal point in our tragic route, and honestly, it can go either way, who we save here, due to later possibilities and our current narrative.

But let’s..Save Louis! Demon Clementine abandons the girl who just saved her to get literally kidnapped, just for some ding dong! Let’s just hope they don’t make any apocalypse babies. 1 AJ is enough.

-Violet gets kidnapped, along with Aasim and Omar. Clementine’s ready to cut our losses and move on, but everyone insists on saving them. But we dont know where they are..

…Luckily, we have a cripple to torture. *Glances at Abel*

—EPISODE 3—

-With three child slavery victims and a dead Mitch, Clementine has herself a good night sleep. The next morning however, people are still whining, with Willy blaming Tenn. Clementine points out Willy isn’t wrong, which hurts Tenn, but that doesn’t matter as we need to head down and torture that cripple.

-Teaching AJ the arts of torturing a cripple, we let him wake Abel up by kicking at his broken leg. Unfortunately we’ve been neglecting Rosie and spit on Marlon’s grave, so she wont join us in our torture.

We settle with dehydrating Abel, giving him brain damage by slamming his head against the desk about 3 times, and burning a cigarette on his face. And some more AJ leg kicking.

Surprisingly, Abel begins to die from his missing arm, probably slashed remaining hand, stabbed foot, twice broken nose, mauled remaining arm (and you saw what Clementine endured in Season 2), broken leg, three head desk slams, and the shock and pain of a cigarette burn to the thin skin on the face.

I wonder why he’s coughing up blood. Anyway, that isnt our problem, but Abel insists we mercy kill him.

..So we promise to kill him..only to leave him to turn. He calls us an evil cunt, which by the way, is the only time this is said in the entire twd series as far as I know.

As for the evil part..well, he isnt wrong about that one. Especially since AJ watched us do all of this.

-We soon go out to scout the Delta, and see what they’re doing.

We won’t be picking up Omar’s rabbits foot, that’s the most notable thing I remember here. We met Minnie, but besides threatening her life a bit, not much there.

So I’ll do you all a favor and fast forward.

-Oh and goodness gracious, we will fast forward past James and his Walker-Fucking propaganda. Just know we killed every, single, walker just to spite his ass.

Also, we lied to him about believing in walkers having souls. I’m sure AJ’s learning good lessons from that move. I mean, if James believes Clementine, he’s an idiot, Clementine has been doing nothing but killing walkers and people.

Grab the wind chimes, because while it makes sense with other collectibles, our room is pretty much empty besides skulls. Wind chimes alone adds no atmosphere except noise, which probably eliminates that room as a hiding spot in the future.

-We’re finally back, and while our friends are dealing with kidnapping, torture, and probably death, everyone who evaded those pesky raiders are throwing a party.

We try to make it as miserable as possible. Refuse to name the bomb (or stay silent to name it AJ since they dont like it much), choose the color that gives the least dialogue, fail Ruby’s report thingy, then when Louis talks about his past, be silent.

Ah, thanks for saving the mood with your chronic masturbation joke, Willy.

-We then have a good night’s rest, while our friends are going through hell. Ah. Listen, we need our energy before we storm the ship later!

-Next day.

Hi, I’m Clementine. You’re probably wondering why I’m in a jail cell, Violet is yelling at me, Lilly is telling me about her own Evil Route, and basically everything went to hell.

Keep wondering. We have to figure this out and escape!

-Lilly wants to throw a party for getting Clementine on board, and orders a pineapple pizza to subject everyone to that torture. louis objects, but Lilly doesn’t stand for it, ordering for his finger to get cut off. One less finger to lick the pizza grease from, oh, the horror.

Thankfully, Clementine is willing to risk a child’s life for her lover. She’ll have AJ bite off Dorian’s ear, and Dorian kicks AJ, splitting his chin and giving a scar that looks like it wont be fading completely, even well into adulthood.

I know, Louis possibly losing a finger is way worse, but again, bear with me..

Nobody escapes harm in this route. Even if that harm, has to be spread out..

-Lilly, after being told how we tortured and left Abel to die, drags AJ out of the cel to introduce him to the belt. Only Clementine is allowed to pull violent discipline on AJ, But unfortunately Minerva is stopping her. Thankfully Clementine’s boytoy Louis distracts Minerva by murdering Dorian, traumatizing himself, and allowing us to knock out Minerva with a 2 piece combo and a side of wall.

-Beforehand, Violet will try to stop us. Fun fact, if you fail the QTE here, Clementine will literally be punched, full force, with blood, by Violet, rather you romance her or not. Talk about toxic yuri.

-Onto the deck, we need to rescue AJ from Lilly’s belt whoopings she learned from Larry. Lilly tries and fails to kill both James and Tenn, and AJ bites her hand. We’ll wait as long as possible before charging, to let AJ get that chewing in.

-We’ll fail all the non-lethal QTE’s with Lilly, getting Clementine hurt more.

-James will, once again, try to convince us into pacifism, trying to get us to not kill Lilly. Clementine’s about to tell AJ to take the shot, but James said he’ll give Clementine three harems if she spared Lilly. This stuns Clementine into silence, making AJ exclaim Clem’s name, but ultimately give the gun to James…who gets stabbed in the back by Lilly.

He has nobody to blame but himself for that one, but oh well.

Shooting Lilly makes AJ all trigger happy, I know..but lets face it. Lilly dying, or James? Lilly is literally the villain, and can do some horrid shit, and actively won’t get better. James is insane, but at least, at the core, he’s “good”. He values life. Not enough people exist like that anymore.

Which is why Lilly will be surviving here. Damn, between her and Joan, the villains are getting away with their shit. They’ll probably band together and burn down the school with Clem and AJ inside.

—FINAL EPISODE—

-Ah..The final episode..everything totally isn’t going to shit..Maybe Demon Clementine can salvage this.

-After killing a man and regaining our bow, we head off to see Lilly, abandoning her people on a raft. Damn, she really is competing with us over being the worst person.

Instead of hearing her speech, we’ll waste arrows/give her ammo by shooting at her with every chance, missing. Her final words to Clem will be; “Fuck you, Clementine.”

Cold.

-After the boat politely waits for that to end, it finally blows up. We wake up to a walker about to take a bite of us, but Louis comes to the rescue, not wanting to lose his only chance at love for the rest of his life. We stay silent, as a thank you.

We then meet Violet, struggling with a zombie. Not forgiving that punch earlier, Clementine shoots at Violet, but her missing finger makes her throw off the shot and end up shooting the zombie. Oh well.

It turns out Violet went mostly blind, fully in one eye, partially in the other, because her dumbass ran straight at a bomb. Somehow, Minerva is impervious to explosions, because she’s perfectly fine.

Well, until we shot her, and she got bit in the arm and cheek. Sorry Vi, your girlfriend’s done for.

-Minerva throws a grenade, spooking off the kids. It turns out they dont care about Clementine and AJ, because they dont even *try* to come back to help. Oh well. Turns out they left Tenn too.

-We soon make it to safety in a cave, and Clementine tries to relax for a bit. But AJ has other plans, ranting about how he shouldve been able to kill Lilly.

After many contradicting, aggressive, and weak arguments from Clementine, we get past that fiasco. Well, after AJ asks to be trusted to make hard decisions.

Listen AJ, you’re justified to kill people. Lives are worthless. But you will only kill when I say so! I make the hard calls!

This saddens AJ, but he’s going have to learn that Clementine trusts nobody but herself, since everyone she trusted is either dead or betrayed her.

-Back in the woods, we run into..Louis! Following the scent of his mate, the wild Louis finds Clementine, who is seeking shelter with her pup AJ.

Instead of, you know, coming back with one of the damn horses..or walking AROUND the broken bridge like he did before..Louis has us go through it, on foot. You know what, maybe what happens next is deserved.

-A.K.A, Minerva proving she’s more of a psycho than we can ever be, because her sole purpose in living is aiming to kill her brother. Dark.

We’ll tell Tenn not to be stupid, but we know he can’t resist doing that. Louis works on getting the boys across, while we need to clear the walkers.

Which..we don’t do. I’m pretty sure we can let them pile up on the car and be fine. Honestly, once the herd blocked Minerva, Clementine shouldve helped the boys across.

But alas, due to her automatic dumb choices, Clementine got an axe to the leg by Minerva. In return, we shoot her before she can even finish speaking.

-And since we didn’t trust AJ..he wont trust himself to shoot Tenn dead. Damn. Oh well, we didnt get the most evil AJ, but we probably got the most Traumatized/Guilty one regardless.

I mean, he has to live with the fact Louis got eaten alive because he didnt take the shot. Tenn has to live with another life on his hands too. And AJ slapped him.

And Clementine? Well..this is the second lover she’s lost, after Gabe. Homegirl is going to need LOTS of icecream tonight, she is very distraught.

Poor Louis. His death hits especially hard, since he’s the bright voice that makes everyone laugh. Hearing him scream in pain as he’s eaten alive hurts. Worst of all, most definitely died a virgin.

Oh well. Hope you can sleep tonight, Clem.

-We soon get seperated from Tenn. It turns out Clementine’s “Still not bitten” line was doomed to be thrown in the trash, as she did, in fact, get bit, and in the most casual and anticlimactic way possible. Clementine readies his gun, but Clementine tells him not yet, and they get to safety. Which turns out, to be in James’ old barn.

-As Clementine is slowly losing life from the gooner virus, we switch control to AJ. With nothing determinant to do here except be awesome, we exactly that.

-Mind you, beforehand, we told AJ if we were bit, to kill us. But you see, thats when we had a gun. Clementine was perfectly fine with putting the responsibility of killing her, on AJ, despite the fact she didnt even kill Lee.

But seeing that Axe, she switched her mind. She didn’t want to die and ruin her pretty face, so she tells AJ to leave her, she’ll call over some dudes and get herself patched up.

Unfortunately AJ has other plans, and still raises the axe. clementine looks at him like WTF since she said to leave her, but he doesnt give a damn.

You see, he doesnt want to lose Clementine. But he recognizes that she’s a monster, and can’t be let free to roam and ruin more lives.

And so..he brings down the axe.

-Cue a flashback where we play as Clementine. Long story short, she killed Eddie (sorry Wyatt, stole your kill), Shot a dude who flipped us off, then left a charred man to burn alive.

-Later, playing as AJ, we choose the more doubtful and depressing options. We find Tenn, who was guilty about everything that happened. Apparently Louis and Minnie were left as skin and bones, which we probably shouldn’t tell Clementine.

I mean, you see how much walkers there are? How much people get eaten? It must’ve been *bad*, if there was nothing left of the corpses, that they couldnt even reanimate.

-Miss every single possible fish. Guess the kids are starving a bit tonight!

-Tenn wants to learn to stop being like AJ, To stop getting people killed.

And yeah, while we could leave him defenseless and an artist..Teaching him to be like AJ? We made AJ a contradicting monster in this route. We will effectively continue the cycle of trauma and violence on everyone, through Tenn.

-Leading Tenn back to the school, we conclude our adventure, with Clementine being revealed to be alive, because as they say, evil never dies. Unfortunately AJ crippled her, so her villain days are over, and she may have to go through..redemption. *shudder*.

-After burping a bunch again at our meal, and coming across a caravan of people we’ll likely be robbing, AJ makes it to the room with Rosie, who likes AJ much more than Clementine. Setting her hat down, we finally conclude our bloody, tragic adventure, and our worst timeline.

And there you have it everyone! And yes I know, long post. By now that should be expected. Could I have done worse?

You already saw what Clementine’s been through, before all of this. And with now, losing a leg, a lover, and pretty much having no friends besides AJ, Clementine is pretty much screwed over. I mean yeah, theres the other schoolkids, but I dont think Aasim will get over his diary being read, Ruby wont get over a body being burnt in front of her, and Tenn will likely remember being held at knifepoint. Such wonderful choices!

Maybe AJ was the hero we needed. If he didnt cripple Clem, we would’ve gotten everyone else killed. Hell, Violet can barely even see!

But yeah, that’s the end folks! And this was a fun series of posts to make! Im sure you feel better about your route now. This route had the most tragedy, evilness, deaths, walkers, and more, out of literally any other timeline. This is actively the most depressing you could make things, and The Walking Dead is already somber.

Maybe I’ll see you guys on another post! If you havent already, check out my previous Worst Routes on the other seasons, and if you can find them, perhaps on other Telltale games, or games like Detroit Become Human!

What choice game should I tragedize to the max, next?

Though it would be, if everyone was forced to be as pixelated as this 3-bit Alastor.

Anyway, I think I’ve realized what part of the problem is with the whole redemption theme.

Hell..Isn’t Hell. At least for a huge group of demons. People argue “But hell is their eternal punishment already, what retribution is needed?” When..It isnt. At best, Hell is LA, at worst, it’s a 24/7 prison riot on steroids, with exterminators being trigger happy guards.

I suppose the innocents in Hell got lucky avoiding the whole hellfire thing. But for the guilty ones?

it still isnt Hell when..Overlords exist. Their existence alone is a contradiction. You’re telling me “Either if you have no skill issues or you spawn with a positively broken skill kit, you have a shot at becoming some form of mini royalty!” What the fuck kind of punishment is that? Do prisons give you a special lottery on ruling Cell Block A? No.

Who’s bright idea was it to allow sinners to even have powers? Not only is it a stupid idea in concept, but it spawns Alastors or Vox’s who thrive in their deaths because they became powerful. If a human has even the slightest idea of how Hell works, they would probably commit suicide since they’d have a headstart on how to survive there. Hell, they may fucking nuke themselves so they can nuke buildings at will as a demon. And this is all possible, since Hell isn’t exactly discreet, considering that Sinners can’t leave, but can have hellborn leave for them and disrupt life on Earth.

Speaking of bright ideas, who’s was it to make sinners above certain hellborn? Imps and hellhounds are low in the population, but lower than the people imprisoned there? in what logic does that make sense? Even henchmen are above prisoners in pretty much any lineup.

It was written off as “oh, we moved past those practices”, I know, but that still weakens the whole idea of redemption.

Take Valentino or Vox. You’re telling me they are going to be able to just repent, be all “Oh I suddenly want to change, You’re free, Angel Dust!”, with literally no actual retribution? Just him deciding to change, after all that time and suffering? When he could’ve done that beforehand? Even the religion this is based on has divine punishments for a reason. It’s justice, and it’s necessary. Basically having a cracked out forced vacation in the worst parts of LA, Isn’t justice for your likely completely unrelated sin. Where is the redemption, with no justice to what you’ve done? You changing at the end of the day, doesnt change what’s been done before, which is why that has to be addressed.

Not that eternal torture is necessary at all, but again, Valentino didnt even actually experience Hell. The Vees and the rest of the Overlords may have struggled or suffered to get where they were or whatever, but they still established themselves, and got lucky enough to be above everyone else who is supposed to be in “Eternal punishment” with them. You might as well just give them eternal immortality on Earth. That’d be more “Hell” than this.

I guess it’s for the same reasons the Sins arent sins. Vivziepop’s worldbuilding is in shambles, I swear. If this was all intentional, I’d understand, but best believe the show will actually push the fact that “Hell is hellish” somehow when there are so many better ways to convey it, and again, not just basic eternal fire or torture.

Maybe focus on the body horror? How dying changes your entire body against your will, not only that, but to reflect the trauma of your likely awful death? Nope. Let’s give sinners beautiful or handsome bodies and cute or hot features, with badass powers to boot! Is this supposed to be Hell or Heaven!? I don’t get it.

Rant over. I just had to get that off my chest, I suppose. Hell should be something you want to avoid. Redemption should be something to aim for, but depending on how lucky you got in Hell, why would you want to? Hence Alastor. He’s going to be irredeemable not just because he’s Alastor, but because he’s literally living his own Heaven, being a lordly masterly entertainer, who owns realms. Heaven won’t give him a fraction of that, and if it does, we really need to question Heaven’s common sense. Charlie would have a much easier time just putting her foot down and fixing the politics and society of Hell, then trying to redeem these people and having then thrown somewhere most of then don’t even want to leave.

Gee, I wonder why so many people who shitted on Charlie’s idea were blatant assholes who are literally thriving in Hell, and not the ones getting shanked on the streets and respawning every day.

Bonus tragedy folks!

You probably have seen the recent posts I’ve made, of the world being made an even worse place. You have Lee The Unhinged, Clementine The Demon, and even the 400 Days cast got in on a bit of the fun. The main characters are being their most evil (and traumatized) selves, and bringing everyone down with them!

But now, it’s time to put the focus on Michonne, who gave her notice of Temporary Leave to Rick Grimes. She wants to be the main character, and Rick gave her a 3 Month trial, and as long as she doesn’t screw this up and brings back food, water, soldiers, and strippers, he’ll let her keep the job.

Will she succeed? Let’s find out in Michonne’s Wild Vacation!

—EPISODE 1—

-After some off screen events that didn’t seem to go well, and after a couple of lost daughters, we’re now struggling in the forest, beheading zombies with our Tinfoil-Issue Machete, as Rick didn’t trust us with our own Lawyer Katana. He took it as ‘security deposit’.

-Michonne didn’t realize that spending so long away from the comics, means she no longer gets 5 new exes every week. Unable to cope with this, she puts a gun to her head.

This is the most ridiculous choice ever. Your story just began! You’re a main character! From the comics of the series we’re adapting, no less! Wanna see if you can kill her off in the first episode?

Obviously it won’t work. But we’ll try anyways! Pete stops us, but we already wasted the bullet. Suck on that, Pete!

-A while later, Michonne is now on a pirate ship she borrowed from Davy Jones. She got some of what Rick asked for; They have food, The pirates are somewhat armed, and they’re surrounded by water.

Now unless Oak is willing to strip naked and wear a thong, We need to find some strippers.

-Shit. There’s a storm! Watch out for the falling sail, I’m not saving you! Let the big guy get bonked on the head. Better than Michonne dislocating her fricken shoulder and having to fix it.

-Pete, the main man of our pirate harem, dutifully finds some potential strippers over the radio; some old friends of his, who have history of dancing on laps for a few bucks. Michonne congratulates Pete, giving him 7 dollars to get himself something nice but not expensive, and they prepare the boat to find their new workers.

-Michonne and Pete are having a nice date on the waters, away from the rest of the harem, when zombies rudely want in on the fun and drag us under the water for some deep sea fun.

-After probably fornicating with the walker mermaids, Michonne and Pete come across an abandoned ferry. Not the most usual strip club, but Michonne’s seen worse. They consider the ladder, but Michonne hasn’t been doing her cardio ever since she found that stash of cheesy poofs, and relapsed into her artificial cheese addiction. She chooses the window instead.

-This proves to be a bad choice as we traumatize ourselves with chopped off limbs, dead people, and torture devices. We consider taking the jar of tongues, but Rick specifically told Michonne not to bring any of the ‘crazy bullshit’ she considers food, after the Bull Testicle incident.

-After abandoning the jar of candy and the candy bar just to spite Rick, we come across a locker that contains a wimpy kid named Greg Heffley. Before we can interrogate him on why he never aged in his 20+ diaries, his sister Sam comes into the scene locked and loaded, ready to gun us down. Unless Rodrick transitioned, I don’t remember Greg Heffley having a sister. Must’ve sacrificed Manny as a trade when the apocalypse began.

-Greg and Sam quickly explain they changed their last names from Heffley, to hide their identities in case their mother Susan came for them. They then killed the brother and sister of a family called the Fairbanks, effectively replacing them. Michonne sees this as normal, but before we can chop their legs off anyways and rob them, more men come into the scene with guns.

-These guys seem like much better soldiers than the pirate harem, but while Michonne tries to offer them first dibs on Rick’s rations, they aren’t in a talking mood. The jerk named Randall quickly holds us hostage, taking us to the crew.

I blame Pete for this blunder.

-One boat kidnapping later..

-We are now being held prisoner, hands tied. Yet Sam the genius suggest that we go for the attack, and bring Randall down, and escape the armed people with guns, kicking and swinging!

Michonne is rather amused by her stupidity, so she agrees. When Randall comes down to untie them, Michonne headbutts Randall, Sam goes for the attack but is immediately BODIED to the floor, and Randall leads us out, while the camera comically pans over to Sam, knocked out, scar on her face. Michonne was expecting that one.

-Michonne is still chuckling over the knocked out Sam, while she’s sat down to meet Norma. After refusing one of our only chances of a drink, we proceed to be rude as Hell to Norma, refusing to co-operate. She asks us if we’re connected to Sam, And Michonne tells her to go ask Sam herself, once she wakes up from the 1 piece combo Randall gave her earlier.

-They then bring out Greg Heffley, who quickly proceeds to ruin everything and say the exact opposite of what we say. Seeing this as his fault, Michonne lets Greg take the blame, purposefully allowing for a teen to get beaten by a grown man to save herself. Which is especially messed up if you’re the one to lie.

-Greg is beaten so badly he begins to piss his pants, and not wanting to deal with the smell, Randall and Norma throw Greg and Michonne back into the basement, with Sam, who thankfully woke up! Oo, that’s an ugly scar, girl.

-Sam doesn’t appreciate this comment, but before she can fight me, Randall begins to pressure Zachary into being a man and doing something. Zachary interprets this as reasonable excuse to shoot Greg.

-Michonne quickly hides her lawyering license, knowing that if she tries to defend Zachary for this one, her career is over. This allows for Sam to go for the gun, who takes aim at Zachary.

Considering witnesses make things complicated, Michonne encourages Sam to pull the trigger. And boom, a Greg is shot! What do you mean, that was unethical?

—EPISODE 2–

-We start the episode with a man be Jonas being upset we killed Zachary. It turns out Zachary was his bottom, and Randal told Jonas that was his last one after 5 replacements this year. Infuriated, Jonas now wants to kill us.

-We make it out of our prison, making our escape, when Michonne almost forgets her boytoy Pete. Rescuing him, Norma comes try and take her man, and Michonne is having none of it. Focusing on her, we leave Sam to deal with Randall, because that totally went well last time.

-Surprisingly, Sam manages some revenge for that ice cold knockout she received earlier, and we make our escape. Pete offers to stay so we don’t have to kill anyone, but I’m out for blood, so I politely decline.

I usually bring Pete on a good route anyways, because the game feels oddly empty without him. Plus, the people you end up killing likely die anyways.

-With a bloodthirsty Sam and an angry Pete, we make our way to a save haven. Sam calls her home this, but Michonne has seen bigger communities fall, so she’s already preparing Sam’s funeral music.

-On the way to the house, Sam says that we have to do acrobatics to get to her home, ensuring nobody unfit or old can ever step into her threshold. Michonne flexes her prowess and succeeds, while Sam gets herself shot by a wild Randall.

-We quickly drag Sam to her home, where we’re greeted by a rifle. Paige, who is desperately trying to become Sam’s wife so she can take the family’s inheritance money, sees Michonne as competition and is about to shoot. Telling her that she’ll use Sam as a human shield, Paige has no choice but to let her through.

-We quickly patch up Sam’s wound in the slowest and most agonizing way possible. We could hurt her but clean the wound by pouring alcohol in it, but Michonne remembered that Rick said “If you get booze, that’s a bonus point to your main character status”, and quickly pockets it, hoping it’d be enough to get him drunk.

-We then meet Sam’s family. We decide to be awkward, silent, or even mean and rude when the options come. Even to the children.

-Michonne has flashbacks due to her traumatizing experience of losing the kids on an episode of one of those court shows, and she has a choice; learn more information about her children from answering the phone, or harassing the stranger who dare walk by our door during our spiral.

We go to harass the stranger, only to find out that they’re just one of our inner demons taking a walk, though we miss out on that phone call.

-We could share our past with Paige..give her some advice..or hell, express sympathy over her Doomed Yuri with Sam..

Or we could stay silent. Yeah, Paige just shot at her twice, she’s not forgiving that blunder anytime soon.

-After demanding from John Fairbanks that he leads us to the strippers, he tells us he lost all of them during a walker attack, but can tell us where to find some stripping goodness. He leads us to the front gate, monologuing about his wife, the greatest stripper known to earth. Sadly, before we could get into details of their Honeymoon, Randall blueballs us by shooting John in the head.

-Infuriated, Michonne prepares her attack, ducking cover.

Im unsure if this happens either way, but she’s gonna choose the guy who ends up getting a flare gun shot into his mouth. Talk about a horrible, horrible way to go. And Michonne gives no fucks.

-BATTLE START!

MICHONNE, PAIGE, AND PETE, VS. A CRAZY ASS RANDALL!

Paige struggles for the gun with Randall, holding her own for a surprising amount of time, before getting absolutely bodied to the floor. Pete grabs the man from behind, allowing Michonne some cheap shots (could’ve done a machete stab, but that’s just me). Randall headbutts Pete, and apparently that’s the best Pete can do, as he leaves Michonne fighting for her life.

Michonne whacks Randall with a shovel, gets her shoulder dislocated, still wins, and is now about to torture the hell out of this man. And not in the BDSM way she used to do with her man back in the day.

-We interrogate him on the closest place to find some strippers, but Randall foils our plans and tells us he burnt down every stripper joint. The funny part is it wasn’t even on purpose, but adding his flaming crackpipe to the abundance of alcohol never ended well.

This pisses off Michonne, so she twists the crank repeatedly, and even risks killing him by bashing his head with a wrench. Not the killing choice, but she can hit him beforehand. Leaves a nasty wound on his head that makes you wonder if he’ll even survive being spared.

After a bit more Randall abuse, Norma calls him, letting him know she ordered Dominoes and he’s missing their annual sibling Horror Movie Night.

Michonne lets Randall answer the radio, only to pull it away within seconds. When he asks why the hell she did that and Norma’s going off, Michonne just stays silent. Michonne felt like being funny for once, it was just during the worst time, as Norma is now coming to burn the house down. Woops. That one may be on Michonne.

-Randall then jumps on the chance to start telling Michonne how he knew her ex, and how he suggested the court TV show, and how he’s responsible for Michonne losing the kids in the divorce on National Telivision.

Sam is wondering why she wasnt allowed to kill her father’s killer yet, and Pete wants us to spare the man.

So the solution? Just as Randall is going on about how Michonne wasn’t even allowed to see the kids on the weekends, she gives him a light tippy tap on the head with a wrench.

Randall dies, as he was born with a condition that left his skull softer than tissue paper. Woops.

Let’s hope Norma doesn’t find out about this blunder.

—EPISODE 3—

-In fitting fashion, this episode is called “What We Deserve”. Yeah, Michonne kinda deserves everything that happens in this route.

-Michonne has to quickly explain why she murdered Randall, but Pete doesn’t want to hear it. Michonne reminds him he’s her boytoy, and there are no questions to be asked.

-Michonne lets Sam bury her father alone, with one unshot arm. Michonne gets no strippers, Sam’s Father gets no burial assistance.

-Michonne will bluntly traumatize Alex and tell the boy his father is dead. Like, really dead. So dead that he wouldnt want to come back, he cant come back, thats how dead he is.

Leaving the little boy to deal with that, we move on.

-Alright, here’s the deal. Norma wants her brother or she’s turning us all into burnt nuggets. Her brother, is currently dead. Our pirates got lured with the promises of blackjack and strippers, so they’re being held hostage. Understandable.

We need to get a plan. Put a bag on Randall! Bashing his head wasn’t enough to stop the gooner in him, so he’s a walker now. At least he’s standing.

-We’re going to be as absolutely confrontational as possible during this whole ordeal. Norma’s gonna threaten us, we’re gonna threaten her back. Michonne doesnt fuck around.

-Michonne has to hold her quips as Norma then brings over our crew, tied up. Bet you Pete’s happy we didn’t let him offer himself up on a dinner platter like Mark Mignon. Michonne has to be careful pulling this trade off, or absolutely everything could go wrong!

-Michonne doesnt even get a chance to screw up the deal. Jonas is still upset we killed his twink, so in retaliation, with everyone telling him to stop (instead of, you know, grabbing the gun), he kills our smoker pirate. Oh well, the cigarettes would’ve gotten him anyway.

I mean, this feels extra bad because, While Pete shoots Jonas here, Jonas could actually survive this whole ordeal, and presumably doesnt join the shootout. But since we killed Zachary, Jonas replaced Gabby, who unfortunately gets to live instead. Damn.

-Before handing Norma her dead brother, she ends up demanding unreasonable terms; her people, AND 10 of Norma’s soldiers becoming our strippers as a show of goodwill. Norma shows us how she feels about this, by shooting Oak in the stomach. Oak retaliates by kicking Norma, Walker Randall is shot and killed, and we flee into the home of an innocent family, to bring them into the crossfire!

Welp, the only soldiers we have now, is a Pete and a Big Guy who we let have a concussion earlier. Rick won’t be happy about this.

-We have a shootout where MANY people die. After Michonne nearly gets shot, Norma runs over, grabbing our machete, planning to make some Michonne sushi. Easily overpowering her, some gooners (zombies) come in for the assist, eating Norma alive.

Leaving her to that gruesome fate since we have some nachos to get to inside the house, we quickly hop back in there, leaving Norma’s crew to be munched on like a 5 course meal.

-Unfortunately, we don’t get to enjoy our nachos, as some asshole throws a molotov into our home. Everyone flees, while I cry over that steak, chip, and cheese goodness being lost to the flames.

-Michonne traverses the fire hallucinating her daughters, but she then hallucinates the plate of nachos. Her daughters are slowly forgotten, as she follows the voices of the nachos going “You could’ve eaten us, Michonne. We were perfectly cooked, Michonne..”

-She accidentally saves children from the fire, instead of the nachos. Damn it.

-As Sam finds us and pulls us away from the nachos, everyone heads out to escape through the window. But before I can..I see the nachos one last time, behind me. Calling for me.

Michonne can’t hold back. She lost her daughters, but she won’t lose those nachos. She reaches for them.

Sam pulls her crazy ass back, summoning the strength to throw Michonne out the window. The last thing we see, is Sam falling through the floor..

..Meaning yeah. Michonne kind of let a girl burn alive, for hallucinations. That guilt is gonna eat her up for the rest of her life. But to be fair, Michonne wanted to eat up those nachos.

-And soon, the surviving cast quickly makes it out, presumably heading towards our ship..Yeah, everything that went down here was a complete and utter disaster.

-And I have bad news. Rick called. After finding out we’re only bringing back Angry Pete and Concussion Man, a traumatized family, and the food on the ship rotted due to every caretaker being kidnapped, he’s kind of pissed with us. Especially because we have acquired approximately zero strippers. He stripped Michonne of her main character status, and demands that she heads back to his group immediately, she’s done, no negotiations.

-Michonne continues to remember those nachos, before moving on with everyone else, ready to set sail. And that’s the end of Michonne’s journey…

To summarize,

-This traumatized woman tried to shoot herself and wasted a bullet, and owes her life to Pete. Despite this, she kept being rude and antagonizing him and going against what he said, and he probably thinks she’s a psychopath now.

-Michonne has to deal with the guilt of getting Oak shot and Sam burned alive directly due to her choices. Paige and the boys are probably in shambles over this.

This feels horrible since Oak and Sam presumably make it with the others to one of the save havens in the comics, and live. Damn.

-She let Sam shoot Zachary, leading to Jonas shooting our friend, and Jonas getting shot.

-She actively antagonized Norma and never tried to be peaceful. In this route, Michonne literally inserted herself into their war and came at Norma and Monroe, taking no chance to be peaceful.

And Yeah..that’s pretty much the worst highlights of this little short story! It was short, and to be honest I dont remember much so it took some effort remembering, but this is just a bonus to Season 3, continuing the main timeline of the Absolute Worst Route and Tragedy Choices! We just had to take a small detour; Tragedy doesnt just exist with the main characters..we make it exist everywhere. The world, like I said before, is crumbling piece by piece, and is an actively worse timeline than, say, normal or better choices.

See you in the next post!

Season 3 of our absolute worst Walking Dead Timeline! Where we kill everyone possible, leave more walkers to roam the world and kill more people, and turn the main characters from Layered, to the objectively worst people that in their groups!

If you want Clementine’s story so far, see my previous post. It’ll be a good explanation as to why she is the way she is now..

Not to mention Lee and the 400 Days characters. Even Michonne. You get trauma, he gets trauma, she gets trauma, WE ALL GET TRAUMA!

Anyway, let’s start the tale of our favorite jackass, Javier, and his worst choices and outcomes.

—EPISODE 1—

-We start the episode with Javi already giving us a headstart on our Scumbag playthrough! He missed his father’s death for some gambling, and is now charging down the road, hoping he made enough betting money to pay for the life support brother David will put Javi on.

-Finally arriving, Javi realizes a second too late that he lost all of his cash on blackjack and hookers, but David already begins beating on him and giving him a one way trip to the E.R. Thankfully Gabe spawns out of nowhere, and we snitch on David to his son, calling him a bully. We also get up on our own, because Javi is a Strong Independent Gambler.

-On top of the punch, we earn a slap from our mother. Thankfully Papa has our back, and he takes a nice bite out of her.

-Unfortunately she uses her Hispanic Mother authority and demands we take her to the hospital and execute her husband. With no choice but to obey her sorcery, Javi and David comply. Little do they know, their uncle is a jackass who is hiding his bite.

-We’re now in present day, where Javi has been roped into taking care of a family that isnt his. Mari and Gabe have at least managed to not get themselves killed, but Kate apparently risked everyone’s lives to see her dealer on 7th street, because we somehow still have weed this long into the apocalypse.

-After we smoke in front of the kids, suggest banging with Kate, as well as many illegal crimes, Mari reveals she’s been awake this entire time, and her radio is actually an FBI listening device. Before Javi can pull the trigger on Mariana, we come across a junkyard, and the hope of sleeping somewhere that isn’t a cramped space with hormonal teens, sounds like Heaven.

-We make it to the junkyard, load up some gas, kill some Tutorial Walkers, and make it inside what seems to be some form of abandoned hideout. The kids try to make first dibs on the pudding, but I threaten to have them sleep in the van while me and Kate make this our love shack, unless they give me every cup. Little do they know, I end up teling them we can’t spend the night here anyways, because Kate said so and I don’t want to be blueballed tonight.

-Unfortunately I soon get confronted by that one Home Alone burglar and his new sidekick, Homer’s Urban Friend from The Simpsons. I proudly tell them I ate all their fucking pudding, because I fucking love pudding, and Max doesn’t appreciate that. He prepares us for a kidnapping as punishment and leaves, but one of my family members had a bit too much pudding and passed gas in their hiding spot. The noise didn’t alert Lonnie, but the sound of everyone kicking Gabe’s ass was enough to draw attention.

-We quickly give Lonnie some head trauma, saving our family, as we need them as bargaining chips, or in other words, sell them to the nearest raider camp for some quick gambling cash. Unfortunately Max comes back from his piss, and beats the piss out of us in turn.

-We soon wake up kidnapped in a van, with Rufus The Doofus being a ruder jackass than I could ever be. Javi tries to Harry Potter his ass and say Aveda Kedavra, and while it doesn’t instantly kill Rufus, it seems to have made a tree fall in the road.

-We escape, and, terrified of our elemental powers, Rufus makes a run for it. Leaving no witnesses to our newfound powers, Javi brutally shoots him in the back. -1 life deducted.

-And it seems like Javi’s about to receive instant karma, when a shotgun is pressed against his back.

But..it’s the one and only, Clementine! Yippee!

Though I don’t think Javi should be celebrating. Javi, this girl watched Luke and Bonnie drown under ice, then watched Jane get stabbed, only to shoot Kenny in the head afterward. And that’s after everything she witnessed and endured from Unhinged Lee. She will absolutely blast out your spine in this playthrough for any fuckup.

-Regardless, Javi will keep being a rude jackass, sad that he wasn’t a Harry Potter prodigy afterall. This includes not shooting the walker off of her outside of Prescott, as he was hoping he wouldn’t have to give up the van he made a deal with her for.

-We get inside Prescott, talking to as little people as possible. We also make Conrad lose his poker game with Francine, just to start Conrad’s hatred spiral toward Javi.

-We then go with Clementine to go talk with the dealer who gave her dud bullets. The guy’s a jackass who feels threatened by my aura of pure Jackassery, so he pulls a knife on us, cutting our eyebrow.

Beware of being a Jackass. The more Jackass Aura you have, other Jackasses will try to take the title, like an episode of fucking Animal Planet.

-After Clementine blunders and shoots a guys’ brains out, we’re going to betray her and tell the truth to Tripp. To be fair, I do this in a good route too, as Javi and Clementine get to walk free through Prescott, even if she’s a bit upset.

-Cue Clementine being plagued with flashbacks. She must’ve come in contact with Michonne and contracted the disease.

It seems as due to Clementine’s awful choices during her venture, where she quite literally was responsible for each of her group member’s deaths recently, she ended up alone with AJ. By some miracle the two of them are still alive, surviving off of one starving rabbit a week.

Since AJ spooks off our kill, Clementine quickly punishes him by closing him in a hot car with rolled up windows. We then go off to find food alone. Just as we’re about to get a juicy headshot, AJ cries, and Clementine’s just about ready to use him as bait. Returning to the car, she finds a zombie hitting at it, with AJ inside! Our bait! We quickly finish of the threats, but sadly, a jackass walker slams the car door on Clementine’s finger.

So, being alone resulted in Clementine losing a whole finger! In one of the most agonizing ways possible, as she not only got it mangled in a car door, but likely had to cut it off afterwards too. That must’ve sucked, especially having to stitch your arm previously.

-Eleanor offers to go find our family quickly, compared to going in the morning with Tripp. Since the trip with Eleanor takes so long you get there during morning anyways, I dont think this choice matters.

Unless it does? I think if so, this is one of those “timeline extension” choices. So technically, waiting until morning gives Mari a few more hours of life, hiding, while going at night foils that. Night it is.

Plus, I dont think Tripp is happy with us sneaking out of Prescott with his crush.

-We make it back to our family! After rude or silent dialogues, especially to Mariana, we quickly make Javi regret not saying any last words, as his niece was shot in right in front of him.

-As tempting as it is to stay with Clementine instead of going with Gabe, Eleanor, and the stupidly shot Kate, I usually do that in a good route. One; Staying with Clementine gives a chance for Javi to tackle her out of the way of a bomb. If you sold her out in Prescott or are planning to sell her out to Conrad to save him, this helps balance out how much Clementine should trust you.

Also, Javi gets a chance to bury his niece after. How many people get that chance? Many are just left to rot where they died.

Also, you get Mariana’s casette player, which I like to give to Gabe.

..We won’t be doing any of that here, however. We’ll be going with the fam.

And that’s the end of Episode 1 so far! Solid start, if I say so myself! People don’t like us, we already killed a man and knocked out another, and we’re about to cause so much more destruction!

—EPISODE 2–

-We start the episode flirting up Kate in the past, telling her we can smother David with a pillow and run off to Tahiti together. Before we can follow through, David foils our plans, crying over a broken glass, that he got from a soldier he admired so much he gave the man a honorary blowjob. I promptly tell him Kate’s gonna leave his ass, Kate throws us under the bus to save her own ass, and David tells me my ass is gonna leave his house.

Woops.

-Going with the fam last episode allows us the chance to make Gabe accidentally put Kate through pain, by putting too much alcohol! He runs off. He’ll be fiiine.

-Cue us being a useless uncle and being silent with the Tantrum Gabe. In fact, do we even have to talk to him? Is there a choice to leave him? No? Damn.

-Before Javi can go to his first resort and just give Gabe some nudie magazines, lotion, and tell him to take it behind the tree, we’re interrupted by bandits. Skedaddling back inside of Prescott, we take the high ground, just in case they have Anakin on their team.

-Badger threatens us, telling us to come out of the closet or else he’ll chop the fingers off of Francine.

-Conrad doesn’t want his wife to lose the only things Conrad will ever allow in his ass, but Javi doesn’t care. He quite literally, tells Badger, “Do whatever you want to her, I dont give a shit!”

He may be bluffing, but not in this route. Conrad’s “What!? Motherfucker!” Is priceless.

-Javi then proceeds to escalate things even further by opening fire first. Francine makes a break for it, only to get shot up in the back.

Yeah..uh..Javier literally said he doesnt give a shit about the hostage, then proceeded to prove it and literally got Francine killed with his choice. He is fucked up for that one. Conrad has every right to hate us.

-Oh..we just caused an entire community to perish and die..That one may be on Javi. Especially because he just walked by a citizen struggling with a walker, letting them get eaten, effectively eliminating the one possible non-main-character survivor in Prescott.

-Conrad goes off and is about to kick our ass for our little stunt with getting Francine brutalized, but Gabe threatens the man’s life, aiming a gun at him. Javi then quite literally tells Gabe to do it, but Gabe doesn’t have the guts, shooting the ants on the floor and running off instead. We have a talk about how he needs to pull the fucking trigger on the actual fucking target next time.

-Since Kate still needs help, and Javi doesn’t want to lose his booty call, he tells everyone to drop everything, and that they need to get her care ASAP. Road trip!

-Our road trip sadly spirals as we meet a blockage. After ignoring as many people as possible, clearing the cars and zombies, we soon meet a stranger, drawing our gun. We take the shot, effectively wasting a bullet.

The gun aimed at our head won’t be a waste however, that’s for damn sure. It turns out, the perpatrator is no other than Jesus!

-No, not Paul. You see, after the Michonne fiasco in a totally unrelated story, Rick Grimes has banned all comic characters from ever appearing in the series again. So now we have Jesus’s replacement, Jesus Christ. Sigh. At least it isnt Griefer Jesus. If you know, you know.

-We tie up Jesus Christ, as we dont have nails and a cross, so this is the best we can do.

-We make our way through a Subway. Not the train station, the food joint. Unfortunately we’re quickly surrounded by hundreds of Jared Fogles, and we have to abandon our fresh personalized sandwiches. Jesus Christ unbinds himself, makes quick work of the Jareds, and we make our way through.

-Clementine opens up to us on how she got yet another grievous bodily injury, showing her brand. In her flashback, she’ll end up being rude as hell to Ava, trying to block the door and leave her to die, then refuse the New Frontier offer. Apparently after surviving alone cost her a finger, Clementine is still being stubborn about her independence. Ava is still kind to us, though she wont be in the future, when we backtalk her after having AJ taken away.

-Unfortunately Conrad has other plans, holding us back. The slippery devil listened in to our conversation with Clementine, who trusts us for some reason, and now wants to use her as leverage for the New Frontier. Even worse, he’s holding Gabe hostage!

I know what you’re all thinking. This is Scumbag Javi, shooting Conrad is perfect! Well…Bear with me. Conrad living past this moment, is an investment we have to make for future tragedy..not to mention, it gives us a chance to be rude to him, or at least silent at important times.

Plus, Jackass Javi has no issues losing the Problem Child (Gabe) to a bullet or two after losing Mariana, who was always his favorite. Not only that, but he is like, VERY upset Clementine lied to him about knowing the New Frontier. She’ll justifiably feel like he’s a traitor, while at every opportunity, Javi will guilt trip the hell out of Clem. Gabe will call us a coward for selling out his crush, but he’s just a little twerp so we dont value his opinion.

-For example of Guilt Trip Javi;

Tripp: “Why the hell is Conrad pointing a gun at Clementine?”

Javi: “Because she’s a liar, that’s why.”

*Clementine sad face*

-After a bit more guilt tripping, we find out Eleanor abandoned Kate in a car and ran off to safety. Not letting this slide, we quickly head off to find her.

-We then arrive at the gates of Richmond, where Max now holds the High Ground, and now I’m wondering if one of us was Anakin all along. We quickly offer up Clementine on a silver platter, and Max asks how we know Clementine. We throw her under the bus yet again by telling Max she’s a liar and betrayed us, making Clementine look down once more. She really shouldn’t like Javi in this route.

-Max tells us to lower our guns, as a sign of goodwill. Knowing he’s one of the bandits from Home Alone, Javi realizes that anyone who can survive Kevin Mcallister and his Saw bullshit, is someone who doesn’t mess around. We have everyone keep their guns pointed, even Gabe.

This would result in an immediate shootout, but thankfully the gates open, revealing..David.

Yeah, David, I kind of got half your family shot, want to bang your wife, and made your son nearly kill Conrad. But before you try to question me on that, I’d like to question you on why the hell you abandoned us for multiple years. You have my Discord tag, Bro!

—EPISODE 3—

-We’re quickly holed up in a jail cell with the rest of the crew, right where we belong. The group questions me for being David’s brother, but I shoot back with saying if that mattered, I would be in the same room as Kate, not rotting in a jail cell.

-David soon brings us out, where we proceed to immediately be an annoying little brother and pester him with small things like how his men killed Mariana. He tells us he doesn’t give a shit about that and that he poured one out over her years ago at one of Clint’s birthday bashes.

-We’re brought to the rest of the Richmond leaders, a.k.a Spineless Clint and Joan. Wait a second, Joan? No, that’s just Hillary Clinton turned cold and evil by the apocalypse. So what she got a tan and dyed her hair, she can’t fool me.

-Hillary Clinton blackmails us with nude pictures from Javi’s baseball days, and so we have to tell her that her cake looks amazing. Which will make Javi a hypocrite when he tells her that her cake looks like shit.

-David demands we stay silent, but screw that. These bastards killed Mariana, and wasted half of the years Javi spent raising two little shits. Calling Max a cousin fucking dirtbag and causing a scene, we only end up getting the blame thrown on David, as they’re his soldiers. Sorry bro, Hillary Clinton outplayed us.

-We soon have a flashback as Clementine once more. She’s currently sneaking into the Richmond camp, and has stolen a syringe of medicine. Lingard, quickly sniffing out someone stealing his next fix, wakes up and tries to stop us. He tells us the medicine wont work, which is factually correct since AJ recovers anyways, but we dont listen and just jab it into AJ. We couldve snuck away right there..Or not jab a long needle into a toddler’s shoulder..but apparently Clementine felt like being bold and brutal.

I mean, putting it back drops the medicine and wastes it. Using it at least puts it into circulation.

-This results in us losing AJ. Since Clementine pretty much murdered Kenny and Jane over this boy, she doesn’t appreciate that, but the best she can do is spitting at David, missing her chance to say goodbye to AJ, And hear his first words. Damn, no wonder Clem is cold in this route.

-We’re kicked out of Richmond due to classic politic injustice against Hispanics, and we’re forced to pack our bags. Hm. They packed condoms into the bag, that’s all I need.

Or at least I would, If I HAD KATE. I’m coming back for that ass. Literally.

-Conrad gives us puppydog eyes when we take out a gun from the bag, so we’re guilt tripped into giving him the gun. I sure hope us being nice for once doesn’t result in tragedy..

-Our first stop is to raid the assholes who think they got away with killing half my child support. After breaking and entering into an establishment, we soon hear banging on the door. David is on the other side! Clementine aims the gun at us, threatening to shoot us if we let him in. With what she’s done before, I believe her. But Javi doesn’t need to be convinced, he backs away from the door, hoping the walkers will eat David and we’ll have no issues going after Kate.

Jesus Christ disapproves, but we paved our way to Hell long ago.

-We come across Max, Lonnie, and Badger, and quickly make the rounds. David will make Max do military workouts, and trust me, that’ll take anyone out. Tripp and Conrad and Clem will go crouch after Lonnie and most likely let him get away.

I’ll go play baseball with Badger’s skull.

-After a bloody fight with Badger, end up having him on the floor, guts shot out. Tripp and Conrad come at the literal last second. Not even that. They saw Javi crash through that window minutes ago. As seen by all the possible Javi deaths, if Javi didn’t save himself, their asses would’ve been late. Now being deemed Useless Goons, Tripp and Conrad come into the room, asking to steal our kill.

Hell no. We’ll smash Badger’s skull into a pulp in front of them. Badger stew, if you will. And yes, it made me feel better, Trip!

-We get downstairs to see David forcing Max to do a 27th armless pushup out of 100. You know, those pushups where they lift their body up with their feet. Max gives up, so before David can execute him as punishment, Javi steals David’s kill and shoots the poor idiot in the head.

I mean, I do feel bad for killing Max. He wasn’t good, but he just wanted to follow Joan’s orders, regardless of if they were messed up. But Badger was the one who butchered a hostage, killed Mari, and just overall threw everything into a bloody spiral without being reasonable like Max, and Max pretty much got punished for Badger’s actions.

Oh well. He’s dead now!

-Making it back, we take a moment to sneak into the hospital and meet back with Kate. Her suggestion? Ditch David to Political Punishment and sneak away. Yeah, Gabe too. Kate straight up does not give a shit, and would rather run away with her hot boytoy Javi.

Seeing no problems with this, Javi agrees. Shame we get caught anyway, Kate ditches us, and now David is giving us the stink eye because we ditched him to Joan, who we now know is pretty much capable of mass murder.

-Annnd since we killed Max recklessly, we have no evidence. We try to pull a fast one on them, but we’re no Phoenix Wright, and without any evidence, we’re quickly declared guilty. Unfortunately David takes our sentence from life sentence to death sentence, by taking a gun and shooting Lonnie.

Surely there was no way this could’ve gone even slightly better. I mean, David had a valid crashout here, after Javi betrayed and abandoned him, then Lonnie went and lied about everything. Not to mention Joan.

—EPISODE 4—

-As Javi is also plagued with flashbacks, we flashback to Javi and David on the baseball field. Showing our absolute prowess, we hit every shot, pissing off David, who wants to play with balls better than we play with balls. Dont be mad I can touch balls better than you, Dave!

-A fan will run up to us, asking for an autograph to sell. Listen, this kid may be a jerk, but he’s gonna sell that, make money, and then most likely buy a bunch of snacks or whatever. Is that bad? Yeah. But in the apocalypse? We pretty much just got that kid some extra supplies.

..So we’re going to doom him to starve, by refusing to sign that autograph. Even a fake one.

-David tells us that since we’re freeloading in his home, he changed his mind about us packing our bags and instead wants us to take care of his family. With years of gambling ahead of me, I tell him Hell no, but we know how that turns out later.

-Back in present time, me and David are currently locked up for our many brotherly crimes. It isn’t long before David’s beating my ass for talking shit, and Joan comes in mocking us, before taking David away to be a boytoy. Poor David.

-However, that buys us time. Gabe shows up and is useful for once, and breaks us out of prison.

What I didnt account for is that Gabe is a moron, who’s going to try to tackle a full grown adult and say ‘freeze’. After letting him get shot 3 times in non canon death scenes as a lesson, I finally save him, getting myself stabbed in the shoulder. After guilt tripping Gabe and scolding him, Ava shows up and judges us for getting injured, and we continue on our tasks.

-Clementine finds us, and tells us she’s going through that time of the month. You know, that explains her murderous behavior lately. Nevertheless, we stay silent, not even suggesting Kate, as Javi has no way to help.

-Lingard wakes up from another drug coma, telling us that he’ll hold the fate of AJ hostage unless we kill him. That’s no issue with me, but nobody tells me to do anything. Staying silent, we allow Clementine to kill Lingard. She doesn’t even dose him. She leaps and stabs him in the head brutally. Holy damn, Clementine. Oh well, there’s -1 Doctor for Richmond.

-We soon make it back after that, and reunite with the rest of the crew. With Conrad alive, there’s no conflict except Gabe wanting to be useful, which we try to shut down. He comes along anyways.

-more rude dialogue later, we’re pulling a GTA mission and stealing an armored truck. Not much bad we can do here, except cause noise and do things like fail QTE’s and cause more racket.

-Ah, everyone’s hanging out peacefully in an armored truck. Clementine and Gabe are playing euchre, Javi hates on them, Kate wants to bang Javi..Wait what?

Yeah, Kate wants to hop on Javi while David is currently about to get hanged. And trust me, while Javier would LOVE to, he hasn’t seen Kate touch a single shower in Richmond, so he’s going have to deny her for now.

Unfortunately, Kate takes this as permanent refusal, slaps Javier, and calls him a coward for not daring to risk contracting 9 diseases. Javier is fine with this outcome. But he may have screwed up this booty call.

-We’re saved by the bell, or rather, David’s execution, and I guess it’s our brotherly duty to go save him. Quickly making our way there, We soon see Joan is making a display of it. Everyone at Richmond is either evil or morons for accepting Joan after this, by the way.

-Joan turns the tables on us and reveals everyone we’ve killed so far, to everyone in Richmond. Rufus..Badger..Max..Lonnie..Lingard…Yeahhhh, that probably doesn’t look to good to everyone in Richmond.

-It turns out Ava and Tripp somehow got themselves caught, what with Tripp being unable to shut up about how thick Eleanor is, and it got him and Ava captured. Joan has us pick between the two of them to save; our brother’s friend, or our own.

Since David’s currently about to get hanged, we don’t really care about how he feels. I want to save Tripp, and make him my next Kenny!

-Well shit, not THAT much like Kenny in this route. Tripp was shot dead, in the neck too. And considering Ava gets shot in the head otherwise, Tripp’s death here is honestly worse. Like hell, he’s still moving around before he dies, likely in agonizing pain. Most likely becomes a walker, too. And let’s face it, Tripp is kinda more likeable. Shame he had to die to die here.

-We now have guns pointed at us after Joan just did a switcheroo and killed our friend, so we’re kind of in a pickle. David suggests we shoot Joan, while Clint offers us cocaine, 5 sticks of gum, and 5% of the next heist he pulls with Joan, since he wants in on the deal.

While shooting Joan is tempting..That’s the GOOD outcome. Letting Joan literally get away with everything, technically including Mari’s murder, especially after what Joan just did? And is most definitely the type to come back and be a problem later? While Clint, the peacemaker (or at least fence sitter), dies instead? How can I pass that up in a tragic route, at least for Javi!?

-So the one time that Javi takes the high road (plus he needs that heist money for gambling), David screws up everything by wrestling the gun from Clint and shooting him in front of Gabe, during the panic in Richmond.

David then sees Hillary Clinton making a break for it, and David reveals he’s always been a Trump supporter, and runs to chase her out. Aiming to convert Gabe, he tells him to follow. Ava abandons us to go with David, since we just left her to die.

Telling Gabe that David’s a dead man due to Hillary Clinton’s bodyguards, we stop him from following his father, save Clementine, and call for Kate.

-And when some jackass throws a molotov at the truck, Kate will spin out of control. And guess what?

Conrad will finally die, at his last death opportunity. For some reason, pushing Javier out of the way of a truck and getting ran over. Why Conrad saved the man who literally got his wife butchered and shot directly, nearly got him shot by Gabe, and was an overall jackass besides accepting the deal and giving him a gun? Beyond me. No wonder Tripp and Conrad were friends, they’re very forgiving.

And considering Clementine saves Javi with no deaths instead if Conrad is already dead, Clementine probably feels guilty over this too, being too slow before Conrad acted first. Speaking of guilt..now Kate has to deal with the fact she just blew up a wall and let walkers into Richmond..AND the fact she ran over Conrad! Like, killed the hell out of him.

So yeah. This episode ended in disaster in literally every way, with multiple friends dead, and Joan got away with it all. Nice one, Javi.

—EPISODE 5—

-We start the episode with a final flashback, with Javier’s father. After supporting our father hiding his illness, he makes us promise to never fight David.

Since Javier is a liar at heart, we’ll make that promise, just to get pops off our back. Im sure me and David can hold off on fighting until Pops kicks the bucket.

-Starting the episode, Javier proves he’s sexist by thinking every woman looks the same, mistaking a walker for Kate. After being saved by the real Kate, curse out David, and round up the others, we make it to safety in an apartment building.

We’ll also be Uncle of the year and let our nephew storm off against his father.

-Inside, we won’t be forgiving Eleanor. Her ass betrayed us, Joan was written out of being Eleanor’s mother so she has no excuse, and she has the audacity to blame Javier because we got Tripp killed. So we’ll effectivey go off on her, not forgive her, and solidify the resentment Javi and Eleanor have. Considering Javi is gonna be the ‘leader’ of Richmond or whatever, not being on good terms with the doctor probably isn’t good.

-After we stay silent to Fern pointing a gun at Kate and Javi, David will go and break Fern’s arm.

Be sure to thank David here! Im sure everyone else in the room feels the same!

-Don’t stand on the roof with David later. After everything we’ve done to him, he has every right to military throw us off that rooftop. Take away one of their last few brotherly moments!

-Later on, we’ll reunite with Ava, who doesn’t really forgive us for almost letting her die. Javier tells her he doesn’t give a shit, and we go about our day.

Ava then saves us anyways, proceeds to tell us to be careful, and proceed to die in the most ridiculous way in the entirety of the TWD universe. It happens immediately, her yell fades, and they’re finished mourning her death before she probably even hit the ground. Better yet, Javi will be silent after her death.

-After the group tries to kill us by having us cross a helicopter last, we make it, dunk on the haters, and carry on. Unfortunately there’s a horde, and Clementine tells us we have to cover ourselves in guts. Javi says no, but Clementine says he’s been betraying her for breakfast, so Javi has to do it or he’ll get shot.

-After that’s done, everyone makes it inside the garage. We’ll disagree with everything David says, as he’ll try to order everyone to go home. Kate has enough of this, slaps David, then breaks up with him.

But because she’s a bitter bitch like the rest of us, she’ll rat out Javi, still upset about him rejecting her. Instead of Kate, you know, clarifying that Javi rejected her, She lets David get angry and punch the shit out of Javi. Honestly, she probably wanted this.

-Javi takes no shit and fights back! And he’ll succeed..until David takes out the wrench. Fail that QTE, And give Javi a concussion, or at least a nasty headache for the next week.

-Im unsure if Clementine leaving Jane then shooting Kenny results in her shooting David in the shoulder. I hope so, since that’s worse than him simply having a gun aimed at his head.

-Anyway, David drives off with Gabe after our brutal fight, and Gabe goes along despite having just been hit with a wrench.

Kate literally gives zero shits, preparing to go and save Richmond. Why? Because all of a sudden she cant abandon it, because she feels guilty for it’s downfall. Basically, even her being heroic is selfish.

Javi is the Selfish King Of Kings, so we’re going along with her, ditching our brother and nephew.

And Clementine? Well, she’ll be, according to the game, “A Expert Survivalist” due to rejecting Ava, injecting AJ, Who fact checked this shit? Anyway, Expert Survivor Clementine decides the smartest thing is, not to spread out, but to ditch Gabe and David as well, as we go with Kate to save Richmond! I’m sure this will go well! Javi does NOT want to do this, by the way.

-During our Richmond clearout due to the tragic gooner infestation, we’re tasked with choosing the right button on the control panel. After choosing every wrong button before the right one, we finally seal the breach!

Better yet, we got a Jesus assist! We wont be giving him any thanks through dialogue choices.

-Low and behold, leaving an angry rowdy man and his impulsive son to drive off through a horde together didn’t go well. We soon go off to find them, only to find..

David dead, with Gabe bitten. Sitting him down, he tells us he pretty much killed them both by trying to stop the car, the last thing you should do with an angry driver.

Clementine, due to the Alone ending, ends up holding Gabe’s hand. Sorry Clementine, one of your first romantic experiences, dead. I hope this trend doesn’t continue.

We stay silent whenever possible, to deprive Javi and Gabe as many parting words as we can, before Gabe offers to shoot himself. Since we forgot his last few birthdays, Javier decides to grant him this wish, walking away.

-Fast forward! We’re now in present day, with a memorial of all of those we lost. Damn, that’s a pretty full photo wall.

Kate mourns for a few seconds, then proceeds to tell us that since we wont fuck her, she wants to distance herself. Literally. After everything youve been through, even letting your family die for her, she will cut contact if you dont love her back. I mean, Javi did lead her on in this route, but still, that’s fucked up.

-Javi once again takes this Worst Route into his wands by giving Clementine the most tragic haircut known to man. This literally botches her hair and makes it uneven in Season 4. Damn Javi.

-Nevertheless, we go to see Clementine off, as she goes to find AJ, who we killed Lingard to find. Another dude killed for AJ by the way. AJ’s gonna feel a lot of weight on his shoulders, with the value Clementine is putting on his life.

-Oh yeah. After we may or may not have flirted with Jesus, decline to lead Richmond. Im pretty sure Javi gets convinced anyways since he’s apparently leading the war to defend Richmond, but hey, make him seem like a wimp to responsibility, in front of Jesus Christ.

I mean, we did kill two of Richmond’s leaders, Clint and Lingard, along with everyone else presented at the hanging, and just overall made ourselves look awful. Im sure Richmond doesn’t want us leading it anyways. Leave that to Kate, since she feels so responsible.

—END—

And that’s Javi’s tragic tale, folks! After being a major jackass and pulling dick-ish moves on everyone, Javi then got hit with immediate karma, as he lost his only remaining family, David and Gabe, and then Kate left him and cut contact, effectively leaving Javier completely alone. Not to mention the sick concussion Javi got from David.

and the only two survivors, Javi and Kate, have extra trauma; Conrad sacrificed himself to save Javi, and Kate literally ran Conrad over with a truck, which Javier was quick to remind her. Imagine her guilt from everything due to that. And then David and Gabe dying since Javi chose her.

So yeah, Scumbag Javi’s alone. He doesnt even have Conrad, or Eleanor since he didn’t forgive her.

Clementine? Well, she’s as traumatized and deranged as ever. She killed multiple people, And Javier gave her literally no reason to like him at any point due to him throwing her under the bus at every opportunity. We have done nothing but make her worldview actively worse. She became an “Expert Survivor” due to her choices, but Im not sure her track record proves that.

Could I have done worse? I think Javi’s pretty much screwed over. Compare this to Kate/David Alive, Gabe Alive, Conrad Alive, Lingard alive, Eleanor forgiven, Tripp having a better sendoff, Clementine not losing a finger, and more..yeah, we screwed up Season 3 screwed up at every chance. We proved that by far, Season 3 proves choices matters most.

Im pretty sure even Jesus doesnt like Javi, since we proved ourselves an evil jackass at every moment we could with him. Worst of all, Joan got away with all her shit.

See you guys in, sadly, the last post..The ultimate tragic yet evil duo; AJ and Clementine! With Clementine back in control, And AJ becoming a little devil..this timeline is really going to earn it’s title as the Absolute Worst and Most Tragic! See you all there!

Hello everyone! You’ve probably seen my Unhinged Lee post. Little did you all know, that was simply a prerequisite to the true adventure; Clementine. All that trauma didn’t do her good, and it’s about to show tenfold.

To catch everyone up, here’s what Clementine has been through so far, courtesy of the trauma Lee dumped on her in his tragic route/worst outcome playthrough!

—CLEMENTINE’S ADVENTURE SO FAR!🍊—

-She has been starved. Ingame, the only thing she ate onscreen was Mark’s legs because Lee stayed upstairs for 30 seconds. She wasn’t fed a protein bar in the drug store, nor any rations in Episode 2. I hope she gets to eat next time 🥺

-Lee constantly failed to save her, such as in episode 1, Carley had to shoot the zombie. Lee was also very rude, not only telling her off for needing to use the bathroom, but also refusing to look for her hat, not looking for her parents, let her go to Crawford, etc.

-She probably doesn’t see Lee as the best man, since he let her best friend Ben die, and killed multiple people in front of her. He taught her pretty awful things.

-Lee taught her little to no life lessons due to being silent, or the worst ones when there was no other choice

-She cleaved her kidnapper in the shoulder then shot his brains out.

-But then had to leave Lee as a one armed zombie, unhandcuffed, left to wander the world.

And that’s what I can remember, of Clementine’s wonderful adventure so far! I’m sure now that her story is in her own hands, she’ll manage to fix up the..small problem areas.

The Lee that created this monster

Meanwhile, for the 400 Days cast..

—EPISODE 1—

-Clementine, thankfully, found Omid and Christa after they tried to abandon Clementine last season. I don’t remember Lee telling you two to be walking through empty fields like you’re in Twilight! They’re lucky that not only Lee succeeded in saving her, but Clementine just happened to be in that one spot.

And how do they redeem themselves for their abandonment? Leaving Clementine to wash her face alone, so they can go bang in the next bathroom! Jeez Omid, give Christa a break.

-And now Clementine can’t even wash her face, because Michelle Obama has her at gunpoint. What does this woman expect to find on a child, a stick of gum and a few stale doritos?

-Father Of The Year, Omid, stops giving Christa the Omid Specialty Backshots for 5 seconds, which is long enough for him to hear the commotion. He comes in, spotting Michelle Obama pointing a gun at his source of food stamps (Omid getting a job in this economy!? He’d rather have Christa do OnlyFans!), and he can’t let this slide. But instead of going for his signature tackle he used to take down Big Billy in high school, the doofus goes for his tippy-toe-back-tap attack, and gets his ass blasted by Michelle for it.

-Mother Of The Year bursts into the bathroom with the gun she was using the peg Omid, only to see him shot dead. And while that’s an extra hole, Christa swore off of necrophilia ever since her teenage years (Clementine was forbidden to ever ask about THAT one), and blasts Michelle Obama, effectively making herself the next target of Joe Biden’s power move since she switched sides (if you know the meme, you know).

But the worst part? Mother Of The Year has the audacity to look at Clementine like it’s her fault! …She may have noticed that Clementine warned Michelle about Omid. Kind of an asshole move, Clem.

-Fast forward, and a big one at that! Clementine grew up! And Christa is without a child. Mother Of The Year, peopl- okay I’ll stop.

-With these past couple of years having been awkward, what with Christa giving Clementine a stink eye for breakfast every morning, Christa goes out to get some milk. Clementine decides to get supplies for a fire, as Lee taught her the milk trick a while ago, and knows Christa won’t be coming back.

-I forgot if it’s possible to burn the drawing of Kenny and his family. I know she’ll refuse to burn the photo of Lee (we can at least try, so she, in this route, canonically considers it), but the drawing should be fair game.

-Clementine hears some shouts nearby, and being nosy, she stealths her way to the voices. She discovers that multiple Single Dads have cornered Christa, about to murder her as vengeance for when their wives also left for milk. Clementine believes this is justice and goes to escape, but Christa decides to look at Clementine, effectively snitching her out to the Single Dads who would kill for a chance to add Clementine as a daughter to their families. Karma strikes Christa as she’s speared in the leg, but Clementine now has to make a hasty escape, or else she knows she’ll have to suffer from low-income housing and dad jokes.

-After ditching Christa and running from The Most Incompetent Adult (trademark), getting him mauled by zombies, Clementine soon falls into a rapid river! She’s always wanted to go to Raging Waters!

-Sadly, her waterpark trip takes a downturn as she ends up passed out on land. Good news is, she lost a Christa and gained a dog! She unfortunately won’t be learning Sam’s name in this route.

-As tempting as it is to be a jerk and refuse to give Sam food…that’d mean giving Clementine more beans. Does staying silent make her just sit there, or does she eat more beans regardless? Stay silent if it means they both get lesss food, but otherwise have Clementine try to be nice for once and give the dog some food, only to immediately be punished for it and attacked.

-I forgot the specifics, but Clementine can survive Sam mauling on her arm, as long as you keep punching him, for almost a minute I think. So to draw out the pain and suffering, because that’s our trademark in this route, keep punching for as long as you can, before grabbing the can/knife!

-Clementine is a bit pissed off about this whole ordeal, so she’ll commit a cardinal sin and leave Sam there to die. This route always punches hard when it dives off the comedy and goes into the truly tragic moments.

-Not much further optional things to do here I believe, until you finally get kidnapped by Luke and Pete. When Clementine wakes up, she remembers her trauma from her last kidnapping and immediately bolts for it. Which would’ve been the end of her, had Nick not missed his shot. When you choose this choice by the way, it’s much less of a reflex/accident; Nick deliberately aims the gun up at Clementine and shoots. And still misses.

-When they’re discussing things, try to appeal to Rebecca. Of course, this does nothing. Though it gives Clementine a reason to target Rebecca now..Heh..

-Unfortunately, the cabin crew did their research and figured out that Clementine is a little demon in the making, so they lock her in the shed. I’m not taking the walker bite excuse, there is no way a walker can even rip with the precision of a dog’s teeth. Rip something with your own teeth, then rip at that same thing with a knife. The rips are different. Carlos is a fraud who wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a patient stabbed with a knife, vs. an ice pick. That matters!

-This isn’t Clementine’s first rodeo making an escape! She’ll make it out of the shed in a jiffy. Now as for her arm..she beeds help with that. She’ll knock on the window, self reporting herself to Alvin. While I could fail to get the juicebox and bandages..Clementine will instead will be a manipulative little demon and threaten to tell Rebecca about Alvin, securing his hesitant aid. As for Sarah…well, after what Lee did to her previous friends, Ben and Duck, she isn’t exactly fond of the idea of friends right now. So she’ll be rude as hell and refuse to be friends with Sarah..who will be rude as hell and refuse to be friends back. And we get no damn peroxide from her. Sigh.

-After nearly getting caught in the house multiple times, due to waiting out red screens, we finally get to the shed and get down to business. Clementine forgets all about the juicebox she blackmailed Alvin for, and immediately gets into surturing her wound. We will make this as slow and painful as possible. Clementine needs to toughen up for the apocalypse!

-Steal the watch Nick cared about. Not because we’re going to give it to him later, but because Clementine for some reason sees value in this in the apocalypse.

-Unfortunately, the zombie security guard the Cabin Crew hired found Clementine in the shed, and goes for the attack. Being an Independent Strong Child(trademark), Clementine makes quick work of him, which causes noise that brings the cabin group outside. After Aura Farming and saying Still Not Bitten, the group can’t help but invite us inside for a warm meal. Thanks, I can’t remember the last thing I had that wasn’t 4 beans or a chunk of Mark.

-We cant even enjoy our food for 5 seconds without Rebecca coming in talking shit. So we’ll talk shit back and ask who’s baby is it. After shutting Rebecca up and ending up on her kill list, we go back to our food.

-Luke chats us up as if he didn’t allow us to be locked in a shed, but this food is delicious, so I wont bite the hand that feeds. Clementine needs her strength up for the trip out tomorrow!

-The next morning, Clementine and Pete giggle and gossip about Nick, such as the bad hair days he’s had, and how his shoes are so out of fashion. Nick gets pissed that he can’t even piss without his name being pissed on, so Pete tells Nick to chill out, which just pisses Nick off more.

-Sadly, we come across a massacre. It’s only sad because Clementine didn’t get to do it first. Roman and the raiders who attacked Christa lost their Pokemon battle against Carver’s crew, and the leftover evidence is depressing. At least Clementine finds her backpack (I never realized until now, she didnt have it with her when she fell in the water), and while a dying man will be asking for water, Clementine has virtually no reason to help this man, as water is limited, he tried to kill her a small while ago, and refused to answer anything about Christa. He’ll have to get his hydration elsewhere.

-Before I can see if I can troll more dying people, Pete gets himself bit in the cankle. This summons the Plot Convenient Horde(trademark), and Clementine has to make a choice. Pete demands they get over to him, and since Clementine refuses all authority, she goes to Nick instead as revenge.

Pete dies without even getting a few more hours to his life, and Nick likely blames us now! I cal that an absolute win for Episode 1!

—EPISODE 2—

-We start the episode having a room temperature canned beer in Pete’s honor. Clementine stays silent or rude whenever possible, only being cordial when Nick offers her beer. Have her drink some, because our morals left eons ago! She wont get past a sip, but that’s enough to turn her into a redneck later on. It always starts with a little..

-The gooners outside (reminder; it’s what Lee taught us to call zombies!) are quickly approaching our destination, quickly foiling our plans to live in there surviving off of beer. Thirst and hunger taken care of! That’s totally how it works! Anyway, Nick offers to distract them, and Clementine’s no fool, and runs out of there quicker than Usain Bolt.

-After absolutely ditching Nick, Clementine makes her way back to the cabin, where a search party is already being made for the group. They trust a little girl who’s done nothing but rob them and let Pete die, alone in their home, with Carlos trusting us more with the duty than Sarah. That’s an ouch for Sarah.

-Sarah and Clementine lament their lost chances of friendship, Sarah threatens Clementine’s life with a gun, and they take selfies!

-Clementine’s plans to use the photos to frame Sarah are quickly foiled yet again, as there’s a knock on the door. There’s a man at the door, who says his name is Bill, who is actually Carver. Clementine thinks twice about making a Dollar Bill joke to him, especially considering he looks and smells like he could be a homeless man who’s never seen a dollar in his life.

-She repeatedly tries to refuse his entry, but he pushes past us anyways. Before Clementine can dial 911, Bill steps into the kitchen, threatening Clementine’s supply of porridge. She knows how good that stuff is from when Luke fed her, and it’s not too hot nor too cold, it’s just right. Defending her porridge, she reaches for the knife, but Carver is quicker. While he could show her why people call him Carver, he puts the knife away, because Carver is nothing more except a moral upstanding citizen, trying to teach Clementine how to be better.

-After Clementine walks him out the door, the cabin crew soon returns. Being silent when asked how he looks, the group consider throwing Clementine into a fire, but before they do, Sarah snitches on the fact they were taking pictures. Clementine in turn, snitches on Carlos when he tries to reprimand her, pointing out she was supposed to distract her, which hurts Sarah, but Clementine couldn’t care less.

-Since Clementine outed everyone and forced them to go hiking, Rebecca tries to take this chance to be kind to Clementine. Not dealing with her twofaced bullshit right now, Clementine quickly walks away.

-Fast forward, long walk, long walk..The group gets to a bridge, and Luke decides to go and volunteer Clementine to go with him, because he’s no fighter and the rest of the cabin crew would jump off the bridge before actually showing some spine.

-They come across two walkers on the bridge. Luke demands Clementine attack the walker sitting down. Clementine refuses to listen.

-Clementine’s lack of obeying any orders has led to a situation where Luke is hanging through a hole, and Clementine is on the edge of her life. How they get out of this one?

The world may never know…

-Once they get past that pickle, they come across a kind stranger. Clementine outright lies and says she’s not an asshole, which makes Luke wonder if she’s implying he’s an asshole.

-Ah, promises of warm food and beds.

A wild NICK appears!

MATTHEW used; AIM GUN!

LUKE used; “DON’T SHOOT!”

CLEMENTINE used; Silence is a valid option.

NICK used; AIM GUN, EXCEPT USE IT!

It was VERY effective!

MATTHEW has died.

Results; -69420 EXP! Your NICK has leveled down to Level 0!

-After Luke promises Nick the biggest wet willy of his life for that blunder, the group comes across the actual cabin!

-Nick has the audacity to vent to us after he shot a man. Clementine could’ve done so first! Just for that, she’s keeping the watch Nick regrets not taking.

-Alvin sits his big ass down and tries to ask Clementine to find food for him and Rebecca. Just for that, Clementine promises to eat every crumb and morsel she finds, in front their face.

-The group then make their way forward. After another trek, they make it to..a winter cabin! The group acts like complete dumbasses by trying to walk up there to the front door like they own the place. Totally nobody living in the huge ass obvious lodge..

-Clementine has to climb for a better view, suggested by Luke. Clementine asks what, is she a monkey? Luke says; you said it, not me. Okay Luke. Kenny, you may have found a contender 🤨

-Speaking of Kenny..guess who we just ran into, after all this time! Our favorite boat god Kenny!

Yeah. We’ll totally act like friends. It’s not like Kenny left Lee to die multiple times, refused to look for Clementine, things like that. That’s just swept under the rug, we have catching up to do! Not to mention, we’ll hate eachother so much that Lee will be jealous!

-The group gets welcomed into the cabin. with Clementine staying silent when asked if the cabin crew group is good. She’s not advocating for the people who locked her in a shed. Next!

-After disappointing Sarah by choosing a star instead of an angel, we proceed to have a wonderful dinner meal. Both Kenny and Luke are looking at us with sad puppydog faces as if I’m not the child, and Luke didn’t leave me to be kidnapped a while ago, so I’m sitting with him. We’ll catch up later, Ken!

-After Clementine is taking her time to throw up her meal (I mean, seriously. Peaches and beans cooked together? What the hell kind of dinner is that? Thats what was made, right? Maybe Walter deserved that bullet later.)

-At some point, we meet the local drug addict Bonnie The Bunny, who’s spying through our windows, wondering who put the bugs in her skin. I want to send her off starving, but Walter foils my plans and hands her a whole crate of peaches. I subsequently hand Bonnie an empty check to sign later, because Clementine trademarked those cans ever since she saw her face on them. Bonnie better upgrade from addiction, to dealing if she doesn’t want to end up poorer.

-*A few hours later*

-Hi, I’m Clementine. You’re probably wondering why I, an 11 year old, had to end up fixing a whole damn wind turbine for a whole group of adults in the middle of a gooner horde.

Keep wondering.

By the way, Since the cabin crew is awful at covering up their murders, Walter is currently upset since we killed his twink. We then lied about Nick being responsible, just to tell the truth about Nick being an awful person (In the eyes of Clementine in this route), Walter is probably brewing up some master plan. May my choices have consequences in a few episodes.

..Nevermind. Walter straight up just left Nick to get munched on by a gooner. This was part of Clementine’s plan ever since Nick tried to shoot her on their first meeting, but to minimize guilt, we’ll slap the shit out of Walter anyways.

-Clementine is just about to run for the hills and finally ditch everyone, but her plans are foiled yet again as she hears AKs going off. Knowing the cabin group, nor Kenny’s crew, are that locked and loaded, Clementine is sure they’re screwed.

-It turns out that Billiam Carver has returned, along with drugged rockstar Bonnie, and some other goons. Goons. Not gooners. Billiam wants that distinction clear. Anyone who touches their willy gets it shot off, at Howe’s.

-After some forced win stealth sections, Clementine makes it to Rebecca and Alvin. Alvin wants to go down there and help Carlos, who’s getting his fingers twisted in 12 different directions. Sadly ruining Carlos’ chances of ever doing his prized fingering techniques ever again. The “6-Turn shabang finger dance” had the ladies shivering, according to him.

Clementine pats Alvin on the back, says good luck, sends him and Rebecca down to face the music, while she sneaks out the window.

-Unfortunately Kenny catches us before we can make our escape, and has us come to help him shoot. Killing people? You know exactly how to get me to stay, Kenny!

-Hmm. Well, Kenny just took out one of Carver’s men. That’s good. But then Carver shot Walter in retaliation. Ooo…

-Regardless, seems like a good idea to keep trying! Have Clementine directly tell Kenny to shoot Carver. Alvin gets shot, and now it’s both Kenny AND Clementine’s fault!

-Regardless, I cant convince Kenny to shoot at Carver while he has Sarita hostage, so we sadly get taken with everyone else. Damnit Kenny. Maybe if you didnt shoot one of his guys, we’d have been let go! Luke already ditched us!

—EPISODE 3–

-Ah, episode 3. So lovely. We’re already starting with slavery, Troy being a creep, and Clementine being backhanded by Carver for looking at him funny.

-Clementine will follow Lee’s old instigator ways, by jumping sides and choosing the rudest choices when everyone’s arguing.

-Once we finally make it to Howe’s, we’re introduced to our harsh daily duties, and all the jerkwads living there. We met Bonnie, but along with her came Wyatt and Russel! I’m sure they’ll be relevant! We also met Jane, as we couldn’t have Molly with us instead, due to Lee shooting her to her doom back at Crawford. On the brightside we have Mike, who probably is or isn’t one of the raiders who totally killed Christa. He won’t tell us.

-I kind of forgot the order of some of these events, so forgive me. Eventually we get to the night time, where Clementine’s one job is to sit down and do nothing. She can’t even accomplish that, and ruins things for One Armed Reggie (he doesnt like that name for some reason), as Troy scolds him and threatens to tell Carver, which he does. Fun fact, you can completely avoid this if you interact with other things/everyone else, or wait things out. Reggie gets praised by Troy and Carver! Doesn’t save him though. Not that we’ll be doing that, in this particular route!

-The next morning, Clementine is told she can’t be a freeloader and is quickly put to work in the greenhouse, with Sarah. Clementine stays silent with Reggie, further embracing the awkwardness between them, as she then focuses on her task. Unfortunately Sarah suffered a slapping from Carlos due to sneaking into his beer stash, so she’s a bit distracted. Do we help her?

No. I mean, to be fair, even if Sarah screws up and cuts healthy leaves off, Clementine doing her work properly and Sarah messing up half of it, is still better than Clementine doing none of her own, just to help Sarah.

-Unfortunately Carver doesn’t see it that way, and even though we try to blame Sarah, he doesn’t want to hear it, and insists that Reggie has to meet the pavement for this. Clementine understands, and leads Sarah away, and Reggie gets this-is-sparta’d.

-On the way back, I think, is when Clementine gets dragged and kidnapped into a store. Knowing this is Luke, we’ll still bite the hell out of his hand. That’s the thanks he gets! And no hug! He’ll discuss how he made a plan for everyone to escape, while he’s currently surviving with less sleep than me during exams. Im sure this plan will go well.

-As Troy brings us to Bonnie for work, we’ll continue bullying her for being a lying witch, dump Reggie’s death on her, and refuse to tell her about any plans.

-I forgot what happens from this point to tomorrow, but that makes this quicker, so that’s a plus! Clementine, the next day, will be searching for Luke so they can launch their grand plan. Luke sadly has ditched us yet again, so Clementine spends her time in the store reading the comics. Troy doesn’t appreciate this, entering with the quietest door ever, backslapping Clementine, dragging her off.

-It turns out Luke wasn’t willing to die of starvation, to help our plan go through. So unreliable. He got himsef caught by Carver, since Luke decided to go and take Carver’s sandwich out the fridge, with Carver staring right at him. Nevertheless, Luke got caught, ribs broken, and we now need to decide what to do with the radio.

-If Luke got his ribs broken, Clementine’s keeping her mouth shut. She will let everyone in this room die before taking the blame. Thankfully, Kenny grabs the radio and takes the blame instead. As Carver begins to practice his recently learned taekwondo on Kenny’s face, we have to decide whether to stop Sarita, or help Kenny.

Both of which is crazy ass ideas, for a child. Carlos, go stick your broken fingers up your ass, I’m not helping you restrain a grown woman, you grown man.

Then again, Clementine gaining a scar for the rest of the season is tempting, so we may help Kenny ourselves. Or we could do nothing, and let Sarita take the hit instead.

-Kenny somehow survived that ass whooping, and we now have to pull off our escape plan. With Jane The Dirty and Mike The Irrelevant joining us, we can do it, I’m sure of it!

-Fast forward. Well, everyone got caught again, held at gunpoint by Carver. Clementine will help them as soon as she robs Carver’s gun out of his office.

She succesfully does so, while turning on the radio to attract the herd. Making it back to Carver, Clementine pulls the Carley-Andy special and shoots him in the ear, allowing everyone to take Carver down!

-Kenny thinks that 2 bullet wounds, one in the shoulder and the other in the ear, isn’t enough. Subsequently, Kenny gives him 2 more bullets to the legs. As he grabs the crowbar to finish him off, Sarita tries to pull Clementine away. Clementine says no, as she never had any innocence to preserve in the first place. Sarita walks out, saddened. (Ngl, Sarita’s sad expression alone, makes me usually just walk away with her in a Good route, I feel too bad otherwise, it was a good thing Sarita did before her death. Watching Carver die isn’t worth it, and proves his point too much anyways)

-After we watch a man get his face caved in, we quickly make it out into the herd. Covering ourselves in zombie guts for fun, we learn it’s actually a very good technique in survival. Huh. The more you know.

Anyway, Carlos pays more attention to telling us to watch over his own daughter, than he does to himself, so he gets shot in the neck. Resulting in zombies munching him all over. No, Carlos, I’m sure you’re fine! You see, those are DOG BITES. Aren’t they?

-Sarah doesn’t appreciate our humor, and runs off. Her noise causes Sarita to get bit, so Clementine only has moments to act!

This is Clementine’s one chance to off Sarita and have Kenny’s attention all to herself. Clementine will chop off Sarita’s arm, because that’s totally a good idea in the middle of a herd.

After the Lee fiasco, and this, Clementine may have no reason to believe amputation works. Miseducation is wonderful!

—EPISODE 4—

-Clementine starts off this episode by murdering a woman. As Kenny is already in emotional turmoil, we’ll axe Sarita in the head, right in front of Kenny’s face. Honestly, him hating Clementine in this moment is justified, that is insensitive as hell, even for a child. At least Sarita won’t become a walker.

-Clementine will tell Rebecca that they’ll stick together..just to tell Jane they should split up. Rebecca will be shocked and feel all abandoned about this. I haven’t forgotten you advocating for my death, lady.

-Clementine later gets seperated with Jane, coming across a trailer park. After some ninja stealth zombie takedown, we later find a physically beaten Luke, and a mentally beaten Sarah. Sarah gives us trouble trying to escape, so Clementine stays silent when speaking to her, then leaves her at first opportunity.

No need for a pep talk, Jane. I am perfectly content with Sarah becoming walker chow.

-Back at the camp everyone holed up at, Rebecca cries for a total of 5 seconds over Sarah’s death, before we move on. We then piss off Kenny and antagonize him in his grief. We then either have to go with Jane to the observation deck, or go find Mike and Bonnie.

Since my Spiderman senses are telling me that someone will have sex in this episode, I avoid Mike and Bonnie for now. I trust Jane, and we quickly scout out and pull a GTA 5 heist on a crippled teen for medicine. He’s in our sights.

-One robbed cripple later and some additional medicine we can use to get high, we head off to see if Mike and Bonnie at least have their clothes on.

Turns out they were being even more useless than I expected, as they accomplished nothing while I was gone. Bonnie tries to feed me to a walker, but I pull an uno reverse card and tell her to get her ass through that booth. After she gets yanked through and suffers physical trauma hitting her head on the metal, Mike takes down the zombie with his Urban strength. Bonnie looks like she blames me, but if she would rather have me in that situation, she can kick rocks. At least we acquired water.

-We soon make it back, and we soon discover that Rebecca’s pregnancy has become plot relevant again, and have to set our focuses on that.

We have water and medicine, but we won’t be offering that. Plus, zombies are coming, and Kenny is currently going haywire killing a zombie.

Be silent and have Mike not know what to do, effectively abandoning the water. By the way, telling Mike to grab the water may be useless later, but still the most effective and smartest choice here. Kenny runs off after killing his one zombie so he’s fine, and leaving a whole gallon of water makes the group seem like morons. Which they are, in this route.

-We soon walk up the deck to discover that Luke decided to have his birthday cake; Jane. Now, Luke. I dont even know, man. You could’ve masturbated or something. Did you seriously have to stick your willy in Jane, who, like everyone else, hasn’t touched a shower in months, and just finished smearing zombie blood and guts all over her? Imagine the damn smell as Clementine walked up there, from Jane AND Luke. And that’s saying something, since they’re in a room that’s missing a whole wall.

-Anyway, after that disgust, Kenny has a justified crashout while Rebecca goes in labor. With no Sarah to worry about, we drop the deck with no issues, and have to help Rebecca give birth.

We left the water. And we do have medicine for Rebecca..but Clementine is still being petty, and is withholding those painkillers from the woman who just finished giving birth.

Welcome to the world, Marlon’s Doom- I mean, A.J!

-Hmm..Leaving at night, or leaving a few days later? I mean, honestly, let’s be real, the good choice here is waiting. You quite literally extend the timeline a few days, and that’s a few days that Rebecca can rest, be alive, be with AJ, And if you have the water and painkillers, presumably isn’t suffering much.

..We won’t be doing any of that here. We’ll drag the woman who just gave birth, who should be in a wheelchair, on a long trek. I wonder why she dies.

-Anyway, Jane abandoned us, we’re in the cold now, Rebecca’s dying, and Russians have their guns aimed at us. You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation.

I’ll explain later. Rebecca’s slowly becoming a gooner, and Clementine shoots her, for final revenge, as well as to stop her from becoming a gooner while her son is in her arms. Clementine is evil, but not that evil.

Also, Clementine has the trauma in the back of her mind later; she killed the mother of the boy she’s raising!

—EPISODE 5—

-Clementine just caused a shootout over her chance to kill Rebecca. She did it to save AJ, But she can only be so heroic. When Luke tells her to get over here, she’s ducking behind cover, leaving the crying baby in the shootout.

-Luke runs to get AJ, So we pretty much indirectly caused Luke to get shot in the leg. He’ll be fine, I’m sure.

-After we shoot Arvo’s sister in front of him, he goes utterly insane. Look man, it was me or her, and you know Clementine isn’t too altruistic in this route.

-And look! Jane came back, and she saved Kenny by saving the man about to shoot him! Im sure she’s gonna regret that later!

Downsides, we have a shot Luke and a shot Mike. Upsides, we have Arvo hostage.

Clementine will be encouraging Kenny’s cruelty to him, every damn step of the way.

-We soon make it to some sort of station or whatever, where everyone is making jokes, drinking, having fun! We’ll even have a drink, further worsening this child’s development! I’m pretty sure there’s a cigarette or two we can smoke somewhere too. Kenny didn’t like that.

-We..won’t be convincing Kenny to join us by the fire. He and Arvo stay in the cold. In fact, Kenny will end up beating Arvo into unconsciousness. That’s some head trauma on the boy.

-The next morning, we’re celebrating Luke’s birthday by taking him to a roller rink. But in classic Impractical Jokers fashion, what Luke DOESN’T know, is that we told Clementine to forget the roller skates. We now have to traverse the ice slipping and sliding. How can this possibly go wrong?

-Well, sorry Luke. The ice is breaking. You’re a lost cause, might as well just shoot you now. Luke suggests we shoot the walkers instead, So I sigh and decide to grant him that birthday wish. But Bonnie’s stupid ass has other plans, and ends up crashing underwater with Luke.

-Where are they!? I hear something! Luke!

Yeah. Luke. I’m so sorry man. I want to save you, I really do. You’re hitting that ice really hard, you want to live. But saving you requires saving Bonnie. And she’s been kind of pissing me off.

Hey Luke, before you disappear underwater completely, do me and favor and slap Bonnie as a zombie.

-Nobody seems to care that we literally watched Luke and Bonnie drown under ice, as we now try to figure out what to do next. As Kenny bickers with everyone and beats on Arvo..we’ll try to stop Kenny, just so he can accidentally hurt Clementine. It’s not for Arvo, it’s for the drama!

-A big chunk of time after this is pretty much the surviving group gossiping about eachother like schoolgirls. On the bright side, Bonnie isn’t here to give us a hypocritical lecture.

-Clementine tries to get a good night’s sleep..Only to wake up to the Urban and Russian trying to rob us! What the hell, Telltale!? Stereotype, much!? After we have an exaggerated outburst at the developers of the game, we have to figure out how to handlw this situation.

Canonically? Shout for Kenny and Jane immediately, and get yourself shot, maximize Kenny’s chances of getting his hands on Mike and Arvo.

Not canonically (except for us)? Just between you and me..let’s act like we re-programmed the game and put the scene in where Clementine potentially shoots Mike, and it doesn’t corrupt the saves or anything. Because she would definitely do that in this route. And the way he stares at her like ‘wtf’ before flopping to the ground is hilarious.

So now we can imagine that Arvo, who’s dealing with multiple beatings and a concussion, is left alone to run away from Kenny and Clementine! He literally only has a rifle, which I doubt he can shoot consistently and stay on his feet, so he’s pretty much fucked. Especially considering the blizzard later.

Mike doesn’t show up later regardless, so headcanoning that we shot him changes pretty much nothing, except that Clem is a cold blooded killer. Someone should really mod that back in, without it corrupting the saves. Im sure with enough skill it’s possible, I’ve seen a lot of shocking game-programming shenanigans be pulled off in these modern times.

-Arvo shoots Clementine in retaliation. Clementine survives this. +1 Gaming Sin.

-Ah, flashback with Lee..Peace..

Be silent. Clementine wont know what to say, and misses her one chance to fully express herself to Dream Lee.

-We wake up in a car, somehow not bleeding to death, while Kenny and Jane are acting like they got married and are going through divorce, all in the timespan of Clementine being unconscious. Clementine instigates this on both sides again, before eventually we’re forced to stop.

-We find Kenny, and soon, Jane finds us. She tells us she lost AJ, And Kenny, who lost almost every bit of family he had, goes haywire, running out to find him. Jane quickly warns Clementine to stay out of things.

-Clementine takes this warning verrrry carefully. She’ll just spectate, let them harm eachother even worse than usual in their fight, since Clementine wont intervene. She’ll still try to get between them, probably Kenny, so she has to remember Kenny throwing her to the floor.

Kenny somehow survives every previous injury, a gut slash, many punches, and an eye gouging. I said it before and I’ll say it again, no wonder Kenny is popular with the ladies, he has very high endurance.

-After Jane fucks herself over and gets herself about to be stabbed, we have to make a choice. Let Kenny stab Jane and look away, or shoot him.

…Or we could just watch. Yeah, if you do nothing, the game interprets this as the ‘watch’ choice, and you witness the knife go into Jane. Clenentine is evil for this one.

…Especially considering she didn’t do it for Kenny. Seeing how far he’s gone and that he’ll likely spend the rest of his days rambling about hist lost boats, she deems him useless. She aims the gun at him, which he accepts, seeing his last family figure aim a gun at his head. We then shoot Kenny.

So not only did we watch Jane die, we shot Kenny in the head right after. Damn. At least Kenny doesn’t become a walker in this route, but He suffers the same fate as Katjaa. Just like Duck with sink his teeth into Katjaa, Jane’s going to sink her teeth into Kenny.

..This doesn’t concern Clementine, who finds out that AJ was alive after all this time. After everything she did. She doesn’t know who to blame more; Herself, or Jane.

But damn, AJ. Let’s hope Clementine never tells you how many people died over you.

—END—

And that’s where our choices led us! Clementine is now in a field, alone, with a recently shot and reopened shoulder, armed with only a hatchet, about to try to survive alone, with AJ. In any other world, she’d be dead within a week.

But since this universe wants her to suffer for a while..who am I to say no? The game is absolutely forcing me to do this, guys. I have no choice. I totally had no choice but to have Clementine become a psychopathic 11 Year old.

Did I do good, making this route tragic? We can at least agree..even if you think Clementine is still good after these decisions, she’s going to have trauma and ptsd and guilt for the rest of her life. So many people died, directly because of her. She didn’t even give anyone a chance to live farther than they could’ve. And if you agree with me that these choices make Clementine evil, then yeah, she is a little demon in this playthrough. Compare this, to her happily living at Wellington for months in the end, Kenny possibly alive, along with some others. Nope. She failed everything and everyone. And it’ll only get worse!

See you guys in a future installment to the series..Which will either follow Michonne to stay in chronological order, or Javi! Or I may do Michonne as a bonus post and do Javi as the main post, who knows? See you guys in the next post!

I apologize ahead of time if Reddit nuked the damn image quality.

Hello everyone! I’m the guy who turned Lee from a Scumbag into straight up Unhinged, and bestows this fate upon pretty much every video game with a story you can change! Unhinged Lee’s story

But since I want to do this chronologically to imagine the world slowly crumbling piece by piece due to our decisions, I’m giving you all some bonus tragedy; a Worst Decisions/Absolute Worst Route for 400 Days, where all the wrong choices are made!

If you havent seen the rundown for Season 1, I suggest you do so now! But for now, let’s get into everyone’s story! Season 2 is coming very soon, it’s already done, just have to post eventually!

Disclaimer Again; These events are obviously parodied for the laughs, but are based on real possibilities.

—VINCE—

-Ah, Vince. Probably a representation of if Lee didn’t end up with Clementine. He’ll start the story having murdered a man for killing his brother one too many times in Call Of Duty, because that’s a sane reaction. Fleeing the scene, he needs to dispose of the weapon! ..Nevermind, just keep running. Vince knows an apocalypse is coming, he needs to stay armed!

-What he didn’t account for, is that he absolutely sucks at running from the police, and now he lost the gun to boot! Now he’s stuck with Justin Yourpockets and Danny Diddler The Second, who won’t shut up with their arguing. Vince tells them he’ll twist their balls with a ladle if they don’t stop it, and they settle down.

-Likewise, two other prisoners also won’t shut up with their arguing. Unfortunately they don’t have a Vince to keep them in check, so one insists on murdering the other, which Your Average American Cop sees as a chance to shoot a black man. Yeah, good luck with that lifelong cancelment on Twitter. Sadly that’s the worst consequence he’ll face for blasting a man’s face off, as he’ll be told off with a warning and put on paid leave, as is tradition.

-As we let that officer off the bus to receive his ‘consequences’, we now have to worry about the fact that the leftover prisoner is becoming a gooner; he doesn’t want to wait for someone to drop the soap, The Booty Warrior needs what he needs n o w. Danny Diddler The Second is experienced with these thoughts and quickly scoots away, knowing he’s on the menu.

-Vince doesn’t want to be touched by a gooner before he even gets into prison, so he quickly aims the gun at Justin and Danny, insisting they offer him something for their lives.

Justin offers me thousands of dollars that Devin Weston will put into an offshore savings account for the next 50 years, while Danny Diddler The Second promises to leave my firstborn alone if he lives. While I want to shoot them both, the game won’t let me, so I shoot Justin. Not because Danny is the worse choice to save (he is), but because Danny dies anyways, compared to Justin who just ditches Vince. Vince would rather have a dead friend than a traitor! It also really makes you question his values, if he ‘canonically’ and knowingly saves a diddler in your route.

And Vince is free! He’s free! Now he just has to shoot Danny, set off to Tahiti…shit, are those zombies?

—WYATT—

-Two hippies with in a hotboxed van, two feet apart cuz’ theyre not gay…Probably.

-Not much you can do near the start of this, except have Wyatt respond like a rude jackass or give silent glares, but something tells me that’s how their friendship is regardless.

-They hit a dude, Wyatt wants to keep going, Eddie wants to ‘do the right thing’ and check. Booo.

-And while Wyatt will try to force Eddie out the car, Eddie is ready for this, and reminds them of the Plunger Incident a while back, and says Wyatt has to go or he’ll tell everyone in the state, walkers included. Wyatt is almost convinced, so Eddie suggests Rock Paper Scissors. Wyatt refuses if possible and would rather just leave, but if that isnt possible, have him lose rock paper scissors.

-Wyatt goes out into the freezing cold, cursing Eddie. He finally comes across their hit and run victim, who is very much so not a walker, but for his own sanity Wyatt ignores this and leaves the man to die. He has to get back to Eddie, who’s secret plan was to steal the kush!

-After abandoning a dying man and clearing the path of zombies, Wyatt almost makes it to Eddie..only for the car to drive out of the scene! Just because Nate is shooting at him! Wyatt accepts no excuses, and flees on foot, promising to hunt Eddie down, and more importantly, the weed.

Will Wyatt succeed, or will his kill be stolen? Only time will tell..

—RUSSELL—

-Ah, Russel! Our boi! He’ll be looking for his grandma, who promised him some cookies a few days ago, and just because the apocalypse happened doesn’t mean he’s going to let her forget about that chocolate chip goodness. Sadly before he can get far, a car drives up to him, so he dives into the grass. He ends up right next to a dead Carley with a bullet in her cheek, which is probably a bit traumatizing.

-Nate, who just finished dealing with a few hippies, drives up to Russel, asking if he’s a hippie. Russel says no, and Nate is happy to not have to kill Russel, letting him into the car. Forcing him into the car, more like.

-During the absolutely hilarious scene of Nate letting a zombie grab Russel through the car, say the exact number Nate doesnt want you to say. He’ll drive off anyways!

-Nate says they have to make a pit stop and grab some drugs, to turn the trip to Russel’s grandma into a party! Russel says fuck no, but is forced along anyways. Nate’s dealer is some old timey elderly citizens, which may not seem like much, but Nate is telling ya, those old coots know how to have fun.

-Once they get to the gas station, they immediately get shot at. Nate forgot the owed the old man a few thousands, and is shocked he forgot it before the guy with dementia did. Anyway, He tries to have Russel cover him, but Russel immediately uses this chance to point the gun at Nate. Not even saying or doing anything. Just points it at Nate. Nate was very nice to just snatch the gun. What the fuck was the plan there, Russ!?

-A funny thing I like to do is to just let Nate get shot when he runs across. It’s a game over, but it’s absolutely priceless to watch him bolt across the lot expecting cover, only to get shot down.

-They’ll come across a zombie, which I believe is a walker of the officer or the prisoner left behind. Leave it for Bonnie to deal with later!

-When they finally get inside the restaurant for their drugs, they come across the old couple. The old man says some really racist crap, which Russel and Nate don’t stand for, and Nate immediately draws his gun.

Now, whether or not to support it..that’s difficult. Which is ‘worse’ to you? Having Russel support old people getting shot, witnessing it with his own eyes? Or being rude as hell to Nate and leaving, who’ll probably think back on it in a while and consider Russel someone he has to get some sort of get back on? Personally, I’ll probably do the second in a bad route, as Russel’s already traumatized from what he’s seen from previous groups, and pissing off Nate hasn’t been shown to be a good idea. Nate was never shown dying either, he’s still out there.

—BONNIE—

-Hm. Bonnie..You know, as much as I like to antagonize her, with what we’ll be doing in this route, we’ll have nobody to blame for her awful ways except ourselves. How she is in Season 2 will make sense.

-Regardless, keep flirting with Leland, piss off Dee when you can. Yes, this involves calling Dee a bitch. Listen, Dee is no doubt evil, but Bonnie (and Leland) are undoubtedly wrong for the emotional affair they’re having (even hinted to have kissed too).

-Dee shows off her bag, caling it a gift, like there’s going to be a PS5 in there or cans of food, but it’s just some damn flashlights. Look, they’re good and all, but not “They’re a surprise, get your hopes up 😉” worthy. I’d be so mad if I was Bonnie or Leland. Like, it’s not even a gun. A gun would’ve been mighty useful.

-Especially since Bonnie just got shot. And Dee is making Leland ditch Bonnie! That bitch!

-After a chase through a cornfield so long, it could feed a group for weeks, Bonnie gets cornered behind a car. She takes a peek, and sees it’s Dee. Now’s her chance to take her out! For Leland!

-After Bonnie swings with the the force of a baseball champion, she looks at her handiwork and gives herself a B+. Dee didn’t immediately die, so that’s a few points docked off. After Dee curses out Bonnie a bit, and before Bonnie can burn the body, Leland comes into the picture. Bonnie tries to lie and say Dee tried to sneak behind her with a katana and finish her off, but Leland doesn’t buy any of it, and refuses to come with Bonnie.

Which means yeah, Bonnie will fail to lie to Leland, rather than the truth or a succesful lie. Considering that Leland isnt confirmed dead if he survives, then him dying here is really a waste of a life. Oh well, that’s Bonnie’s guilt to handle. She just murdered a woman, failed to lie to her husband about it who she was flirting with, and left Leland to get shot in the head.

To be fair, this is kinda Dee’s fault for stealing those flashlights.

—SHEL—

-After Shel’s group just killed a married couple, she’s sitting down listening to her little sister Becca’s song. There’s not much you can do in Shel’s story, besides probably being silent or rude at times, so we’ll fast forward a bit.

-Keep annoying and getting Shel scared by interacting with the zombie chained outside. Sadism on both sides, torturing herself and the zombie!

-The group will have found a guy who snuck in. The guy pleads his case, saying he was totally just going to use the group’s kitchen to bake everyone a cake. Despite Roman’s orders, Shel believes the man, and lets the guy go, who says he’ll be back to bake the cake soon, he just needs to go get the eggs. I believe him!

-Well, that one’s on me. Boyyd’s dead, or however you spell that guy’s name. The one decent cancer survivor, killed by our one time kindness. That justifies our evil!

-Roman’s giving us a lecture about how we need to be killing more people, and as an example, he offers up Stephanie, since Stephanie outed his hentai addiction a few years ago, and Roman still hasn’t let that go.

-Shel hesitates, in which Becca offers to do it. Shel calls her bluff, then proceeds to show her how it’s done. Presumably, Stephanie doesn’t Houdini her way out of this one, and Shel gets to her.

—-

And that’s our little bonus post of the 400 Days cast! I figured it was best to knock them out the way before proceeding to Season 2, if at least to explain who does/doesn’t appear in Howe’s later on.

Speaking of, let’s see where our choices led everyone..

-Being the 1# customer of Howe’s (if using the back alleyway as a cocaine spot counts), Bonnie goes with Tavia no matter what.

-Vince will stay behind at the camp, since he shot Justin’s foot off. Something about loyalty and all that. Well, Vince is pretty competent, I imagine he could survive pretty well.

-Wyatt was about to stay, since Eddie abandoned him, but Tavia told him “People you know may be there”. Considering not a single person any of the 400 days cast knows, is at Howe’s, that’s a straight up lie. Wyatt doesn’t have to know that *before* being stuck under an abusive dictator though.

-Shel and Becca will stay, since they have no fear of Roman, as they presumably left on seemingly good terms, since they dont fear him coming after them. I mean, they didnt see him die because that doesn’t take place until a bit before Season 2, so that’s the best explanation. Regardless, Shel has Boyd’s life on her conscience, along with Stephanie’s blood on her hands. Becca is probably going to become a monster.

-Russel will also be convinced by Tavia saying people they may know, could be there. I dont know how Russel expected his grandma, who was in a whole other state I think, to be in this camp, but oh well. That’s on him.

And so, How I think this all went later; Vince, Shel, and Becca were the only ones left at camp. Honestly? Not too bad of a group. Only 3 mouths to feed, Vince seems more than capable in terms of survival skills and physicality, Shel seems at least decent if she survived this long, and Becca at least doesn’t seem like the sort to get herself or others killed in a Ben way, though never say never.

But since Wyatt didnt bring the car to camp, and Shel didn’t bring the RV? They have no vehicles, which I feel like will be a big part to play in their stories and survival. A car and an RV can make a huge difference. Even if gas runs out, the RV is a spacious roof over your head. Instead, everyone will be out in the cold, with no transportation, in the middle of the woods.

As for the gang who went to Howe’s? Wyatt, Russel, and Bonnie. Well, Bonnie will speak for herself later on. She’s currently dealing with the fact she killed Dee for a man she got killed moments later.

As for Wyatt and Russel? Well, I really hope Howe’s whips them in shape, enough for them to escape the Howe’s herd. Or since this is a bad route, I hope it doesn’t. Or if they do escape, let’s hope Nate finds neither of them..

And that’s it for 400 Days, folks! Dont worry, even if this seemed a bit quick, it’s nothing compared to Season 2. This is just the appetizer to the true story to come.

Hello everyone, long post warning (but hilariously worth it). I’m the guy who goes into choice games and either gift the characters the best possible timeline even in a depressing world, or bestowing upon them, Hell on Earth.

In this case, Lee’s going to prove why he was put in that cop car at the start of the game. He’s going to be as deranged, injured, traumatized, and hated as possible! Even Clementine will be giving him the side eye every once in a while. I was going to do a post of the worst possible Clementine, but how can I do that without showing the man who’s going to cause her downfall in the first place?! Get ready for The Walking Dead Season 1: Tragic Route/Worst choices and outcomes!

Note: The descriptions of these choices/events will be parodied for entertainment, but is overall based on actual things you can do.
Without further ado, lets begin! I’ll be doing this post specifically episode by episode, most likely.

EPISODE 1

-Our local Urban Man has landed himself in a cop car, after Senator Shenanigans shenanigan’d Lee’s wife. Can’t blame him. He’s going to be rude as possible to the cop at least- even if there’s no rude option, be silent! Without knowing the apocalypse is coming, Lee is pretty much setting himself up for an extra infraction for ‘not communicating’ or whatever.

-Since the cop had spent his previous night partying with bros and dancing with Red Light District strippers, his drunk driving has led to a car crash (totally.) Dont even have Lee check on the man through the window, Lee needs to get out of here. He’s a history professor, he has ridiculously long assignments to hand out!

-Your local squad of walkers, or ‘gooners’ as I like to call them, since they emit the same smell as anime goon squads, have suddenly popped up. Lee has way too many of them in his class already; he knows the best thing to do is run and not touch them with a ten foot pole, especially after he just shot the face off of a cop. Not even knowing zombies exist yet. He just…blasted a man’s face off, and is oddly not traumatized about it.

-Small fast forward, we finally reach Clementine’s home. Nothing bad we can do here..except make Lee not drink the cup of water on the counter. He’s gonna regret that when water is hard to come by.

-Lee convinces Clementine out of her treehouse with promises of rare Strawberry Shortcake figurines. Sadly Lee didn’t get to make a pit stop at the bathroom before he got arrested, so before they leave for their venture, he tells her to wait and borrows the bathroom at the house for a bit, effectively causing them to Leave At Night.

-This unfortunate series of events leads to an outcome that already marks this as the worst timeline; Chet dies and shows his true nature as a Gooner, since Lee and Clementine left at night. Luckily, a cop named Andre found Lee again and throws him into the cop car, and arrests Clementine too just because.

-After Lee tucked and rolled out of the car with Clementine, they ended up in Hershell’s farm. After threatening the man to have him thrown into a retirement home if he doesn’t let them sleep there, they get a place to sleep. Right next to animal shit. Deserved.

-It doesn’t help that Lee either keeps giving the worst lies known to man on purpose, while also staying silent every now and then. Hershell wont be liking Lee.

-As Lee makes friends around the farm, including our total bestie Kenny, eventually Kenny’s son Goose decides to run over Shawn’s leg with a whole ass tractor, effectively crushing it into 700 fragments. Like, the dude’s bones are dust under that skin.

-Shit, now the gooners are grabbing Goose. Lee ignores how wrong that statement sounds, and focuses on his ultra Urban battle planning. …He’ll politely step back, call HR to get Duck’s tractor license removed, and let things play out. Kenny runs in, saves Duck, then dips. Call Kenny a jerk, but at least he’s displaying Father Of The Year material, while Lee was about to let two people die.

-…Well, one of them died. Sorry about that Shawn. I blame Kenny, I left the choice to him. And once Hershell guilt trips us (how dare he, after we got his son killed), have Lee say “..I tried to help both.” Mf you stood there, you didn’t do shit. Anyway, Kenny still invites Lee with his family for some reason, despite Lee doing absolutely nothing to deserve it.

-After a road trip to the drug store so Kenny could pick up on some ingredients for Moonshine, they come across a group. and coincidentally, this is the store Lee’s parents owned! This automatically grants him rights to talk shit to everyone, cause fights, and worst of all, ignore or take all of the protein bars without giving them to anyone. Not even Clementine. That girl is staying starved.

-Kenny quickly picks a fight with the nearest geriatric patient he can find; Larry. Larry retaliates by wanting Duck eaten alive. Lee sees this as reasonable; “Then we do what you say! We, throw him out, and save the group.”

Kenny: “Lee? What the FUCK, man!?” feeling betrayed as if Lee almost didn’t let this exact thing happen just a couple of hours ago.

-Lee makes up for it by picking a fight and telling Kenny to punch Larry. Literally doing nothing except instigating a fight in front of this man’s family. Kenny complies, tickles Larry, gets barrel punched by Larry, then is somehow standing up 5 seconds later. If there’s one thing you can say about Kenny, the dude’s got endurance. Lee himself took a few seconds to recover from a Larry punch. Anyway, it’s only the first episode, and we already probably got Kenny a broken nose.

-A gooner will suddenly grab Clementine, trying to convince her that loli media is underrated. Lee can’t let this slide…Except he does. Because after slipping for the 3rd time, we wont be doing the QTE to get to Clementine; luckily Carley has to deal with 3 gooners a week as a hot reporter, and quickly puts the freak into the ground. Sadly Clementine already filed a “Clementine will remember you couldn’t save her” notification, to really punch you in the gut. Well, it’s best she learns early that this man is the worst caretaker ever. Anyway, Larry just had a heart attack, and Lee was threatened at gunpoint by Lilly to acquire the medicine.

-Im not sure there’s much optional bad things you can do after the drug store. Oh, there’s one. The suicidal religious woman. Now, I think the good choice is to give the gun, and not just because she deserves one last wish if she’s going to die anyways, but because if you dont give the gun..She wrestles Carley, Glenn, and Lee for it. And somehow, one woman overpowers one woman and two guys long enough for the balcony to break. Considering the group will be staying in this motel, removing a whole balcony/floor of access from one side of the motel is a plus. Think of the missed out bedrooms, random little supplies missed out in those rooms, etc.

I forgot if the group repairs it, but if they do, its still quite bad to waste resources..on a balcony for a place you wont even be staying at. Not that they know.

-And how can I forget, the big choice of episode 1..Carley or Doug! And hear me out. While it’s usually the popular choice to save Carley, Doug eats the extra bread in the next episode, etc. etc….we’ll actually be saving Carley in this route! While Doug is a safe neutral, saving Carley can either go awesome (Lee gets a girlfriend + being honest about his past), or awful (by antagonizing Carley and refusing to show your past, missing out on the main perk of saving her). So Lee is gonna let Doug die for some puss, that he’s going to fail to even get.

-And I think that’s it until later! Besides maybe being rude to Glenn/disagreeing with his plan? Between him and Hershel, thats two people that ‘ll probably be bad-talking about Lee off screen in the shows/comics, to Rick’s group.

-EPISODE 2!

-The first episode was definitely a fun setup. But now, I think it’s time we get into the good stuff. We start the episode with Lee walking next to Filet Mignon- I mean, Mark. The army guy who spawned inbetween episodes. He’ll ask Lee if he should shoot a crow with the sniper rifle, which is an *awful* idea, because even if you shoot the thing, it’ll either explode or rip into pieces so small it’s worthless. Anything left is probably gunpowder-poisoned. Regardless, Lee supports this plan, only for Mark to whiff the shot, waste a bullet, and contribute towards walkers screwing over Ben’s group!

-After hearing screams, they run to see a man trapped in a bear trap! Little does Lee know, Kenny pushed the man into the bear trap for disagreeing about boats, and Kenny left and came back to feign innocence. Seeing The Original David in the beartrap, Lee remembers something; this guy was on jury duty the day Lee’s sentence was passed. In bloodthirsty vengeance, Lee..chops off at the teacher’s leg *just enough*, right before it cuts off, but he doesnt complete it, instead looking around and standing there. This way, you’re forced to abandon him to being eaten alive, after mutilating his leg with an axe. ..Kinda poetic to what happened to Mark, no? Anyway, Travis got himself shot, as per Special Forces training, and Lee, Kenny, Mark, And Ben are forced to bring him back to the motel.

-I say that ended well, If I say so myself! Only one tortured and dead man, one shot teen, and a Ben! Sadly, the rest of the group doesnt agree, and this sparks an argument; in which Lee will side with Kenny against Lilly. It’s not enough to remain in Kenny’s good graces, and you piss off Lilly for the moment, so win! She’ll promptly force Lee to spread out the rations, which includes Rat Jerky, a rotten apple half (You cant convince me that half an apple was fresh), and two singular saltine crackers. Time to get feeding. Clementine won’t be eating. In her words…”I hope I get to eat next time 🥺”. Guys, Im telling you, when I heard that in my worst playthrough, my dark humor couldn’t take it, and I was laughing for a good while.

-Hmmm. Well, priorities first when it comes to feeding the group. We’ll give Ben a saltine cracker, Give Mark the other saltine cracker, force Lilly to eat some rat jerky (gotta give her strength to kick Clementine’s ass in a few seasons), and keep the rotten apple half for ourselves! Im sure everyone appreciates our choices!

…Kenny just went off on us for not even considering feeding him or the kids, Clementine guilt tripped us, Larry threatened us out of the group..What a bunch of ungrateful twats!

-Ohh, and yet when dinkly ol’ St. John brothers come with promises of fresh food, you guys are so ready to hop on the plan. Have Lee disagree and get outvoted. That way everyone feels stupid when they end up on the food menu.

-by the way, earlier, try to refuse looking for Clementine’s hat. Lee knows that damned thing is cursed, everyone who touches it is doomed to die. Except Satoru Gojo and AJ of course.

-Small, but lie to the St. Johns about who the leader is. Tell the brothers the leader is Kenny (false, it’s logically Lilly), then tell Brenda the leader is you (depending on your Lee, probably more or less accurate. But not this one.) Lee gets called out on his shit by cannibals.

-Fail to fix the swing for the children. Sadly, I think either Kenny or Andy gets their hands on it anyways. Damn children getting joy..at least Lee won’t get credit.

-Lee and Mark will be tasked with fixing fences, to earn their meals. After Andy definitely tried to turn them into fried chicken with the fence (activating it while he knew they were interacting with it), Mark then proves he’s clumsy, and gets in the middle of bandits playing arrow-lawn-darts, earning an arrow to the shoulder. That’s his fault. Welp, minor shoulder injury, he’s done for. Let’s deliver him to Brenda for a nice sauteé.

-Sooner or later, Danny somehow mistakes Lee for a child, and invites him alone in the middle of a forest. Upon realizing his mistake and that he now has to actually do work, he seriously and grumpily inspects the campsite with Lee.

A wild JOLENE has appeared!

JOLENE used; rambling crazy shit for a few minutes! LEE and ANDY are Provoked!

LEE used; “Fuck this” and a bullet! It was super effective!

JOLENE has fainte- no, she’s dead. Pretty dead.

-After Lee commits literal murder for no reason (at least that early on, like, Jolene didnt even get to threaten anyone properly), Danny has the audacity to judge him. Well, I guess Danny didn’t want to waste the meat. Oh well, let’s bring Clementine her cursed hat.

-Lee is tired of doing work, and just wants his damned meal for the day. He didnt get a single damn butter biscuit out of that basket, and that rotten apple he ate isn’t settling well. Regardless, Kenny manages to steal him for a break in mission real quick. Except..Lee doesn’t exactly appreciate the “urban” comment, and refuses to look into the barn. Yes, you can actually..not unlock the barn! Doesnt really change much, but for us, Lee is a bit mad at Kenny.

-Ah, a nice dinner meal. The STD Johns are quite welcoming. They managed to make Mark..less bland than he usually is! Wait, nobody else at the table knew? Why are you all staring at me like that? ..Ahem. I, Lee, have to go wash my hands.

-After Mark warns Lee not to eat dinner, Lee initially refuses to comply, but eventually decides to honor the wishes of a dying man. He’ll pass up on eating him just this once. But as for everyone else?

Oh. Well. We kind of just wasted 30 seconds standing here. Clementine’s full, at least. She got to “eat next time 🥺”

(Side note, when Lee finally does get down there, can he still say “Its..people!”. If so, do it, that exchange is hilarious)

-Tell Larry “Fuck you Larry, eat up.” He does. And he enjoys every last bite. Listen, Lee didn’t manage to feed him earlier, this is just Lee..trying to right that wrong. At least he ensured Clementine and Larry got to eat.

-Sadly, because Lee is an instigator motherfucker who can’t ever miss a fight, he encourages Kenny to grab his gun.

-For this little stunt, Lee gets thrown into the freezer with everyone else. Damn, if he hadnt tried to get them shot, he could’ve been feasting on Mark Mignon right now. Anyway, be silent when Clementine is traumatized about eating human meat, then immediately go antagonize Larry. He’ll list off every bad thing youve done to him as if he doesnt deserve it, Lee will confirm his hatred, and Larry will have a heart attack from shock. Kenny immediately wants to commit murder and crush his skull in, while Lilly wants to save her father. Such a moral dilemma.

Lee..will just stand there. It achieves what we want; Kenny pissed off at us (and Lilly understands, but I imagine she appreciates it less than Lee trying to actually help), except we also get shoved by Kenny. Ah, the abusive bromance begins. And Larry’s dead. At least it isnt on our hands..?

Again, be silent comforting Clementine.

-When choosing a weapon when breaking out, choose the cattle prod. You want a worst choices route? Then choose the tool that not only is useless against a walker if needed, but probably gets Danny off when Lee uses it against him.

-Kenny will straight up watch Lee about to die, as if being frozen indecisively warrants death, but thankfully Lilly comes in with 2 sickle stabs on the Danny. Lee steals her kill by stabbing him with the pitchfork. And again, Lee will kneel in front of Clementine..only to not say anything. Just asserting dominance. It’s kind of hilarious how his trademark kneel can just be followed by constant silence and a stare. Lee’s past life was from the reconnoissance era, apparently.

-Kenny has the audacity to go save his family after leaving me to die, so Lee chases after, not to help, but to kick his ass. Unfortunately, he gets distracted by Brenda holding Katjaa hostage. Sadly, calling Brenda a bitch results in death, so Lee literally needs his life threatened at gunpoint, to be nice.

-After an assist from Mark, Lee can get back to murdering Kenny. Luckily Andy has that covered, remembering Lee’s outstanding support of the cannabalism by feeding two guests earlier, and shoots Kenny point blank in the kidney with a rifle. Kenny somehow survives this. No wonder Katjaa married him, the dude has premium endurance. Sadly Andy is still threatening Duck, and Lee needs the boy as a meatshield for bullets, so he cant let this slide. Carley shoots Andy in the ear, and Lee goes for the attack.

After a struggle, Lee gives some weak ass punches to Andy’s hand as he’s being dragged to the fence. Literally everyone watches this by the way. Fully grown adults. With guns. And they let Lee nearly d i e.

Well, not Lilly. She fondly remembers the rat jerky we forcefed her earlier, and shoots Andy in the shoulder (another bullet wound). Lee gives just a couple of punches, then stops as he stared at Andy’s handsome face. Andy takes the advantage and turns the table; he’s the top now. Lee refuses to ever bottom, so he flips Andy back over, punches him, throws him into the fence, leaving him a severely shot, electrified, beaten mess. Take that as a lesson to never make Lee bottom.

-For extra measure, he shoots him with a rifle, making sure Andy somehow doesnt recover from his many bleeding wounds and walkers surrounding him. If Lee wasnt punched enough to get the rifle outcome, then electrifying Andy in front of everyone still works.

-Enjoying the fact that he murdered 2 men (3 if you count the fact he fed into Larry’s anger heart problems in this route), Lee makes his way to a location he meant to pull a heist on a while ago. A stranger’s car! What could possibly go wrong? I mean, the dude had no reason to leave the car open. And Clementine can get forced to wear a hoodie, if Lee makes her do so aggressively! (honestly even on a good route I do this. It’s for everyone’s benefit, Lee doesnt look like a dork in front of everyone, and Clementine gets a hoodie to stay warm! New non-walker clothes are a rarity in the apocalypse.)

-And that’s the end of Episode 2! Didn’t mean to make this one so long. Ah well, the other episodes should at least be quicker! And Lee is already beginning his descent into being a psychopath.

EPISODE 3

-We start the episode on a store trip for milk, but Kenny is sticking with us so we don’t ditcjh the group. He still doesn’t trust us for hesitating to kill a man, so he’ll keep reminding about that, then expect to be backed up for his plan for leaving. Just to piss him off, let’s agree with Lilly, since she isn’t here to appreciate it. We’ll pretty much be against Kenny most of the time in these arguments due to the point system, except in specific moments like earlier where we want to piss off Lilly with lasting consequences (like having her be angry when passing Lee the food)

-A hysterical woman who had been released from her containment bunker (how else did she survive this long) is screaming down the street. Lee considers killing her just because, and Kenny says no, they need to buy time with her having a painful death instead. Lee still isn’t fond of Kenny after he almost let him get blasted by Danny STD John, so just to piss him off, he shoots the zombies around her, probably even whiffing a few bullets just because. Kenny gets pissed about this, and drags Lee to go get supplies.

-In which case, Lee ends up just going from shelf to shelf, without picking up anything. He’s specifically looking for Viagra to impress Carley, and the store doesn’t seem to have it, so he doesn’t want to waste money on non-essentials.

-The gooners break into the store after learning it had explicit fanservice mangas, so Lee and Kenny have to make a hasty escape. Kenny ditches Lee to die for a second time, so Lee summons his inner strength to push a whole door of zombies off of him. Talk about a mix of luck and badass skill.

-They soon make it back to the hotel, where Lilly is still fond of Lee for being submissive in the meat locker and letting her try to save Larry, and Lee has the audacity to tell her they got full bags. Kenny rightfully calls Lee out on his memory issues, and rats him out for having an empty backpack, which makes Lilly instantly go from wet pond, to dry desert. Lee then tries to gaslight her into thinking she’s crazy when she brings up stolen supplies.

-After Lee is forced into detective work, Duck decides to tag along, having no issues with previously murdering Shawn and eating a whole bunch of Mark. Duck is a little demon. As much as Lee appreciates that, he tries to refuse Duck’s offer to help, which Duck translates into begging for assistance.

-Im pretty sure around this time, you can talk to Carley and have her try to have you reveal your past. …Not only will we refuse, we’ll be rude and tell her to drop it. This exchange is actually kind of bitter if you haven’t seen it, Since Lee and Carley are usually quite close.

-Im unsure what other bad things you can do, I may have forgotten. Since the next thing I remember is the bandit attack, and there isnt much optional you can do there..shoot near the group, like Ben/Clementine/Katjaa and Duck. It doesn’t do anything of course, but its funny to imagine that in the moment, Lee is just..threatening their lives and shooting at them for no reason.

-Fast forward to everyone in the RV after abandoning their warm motel beds, Lilly is angry that someone dared to share the drugs the group desperately needed. She rightfully accuses Ben, but Carley recognizes that Ben is a good meatshield for bullets, and tries to defend him. Lee goes against this, and even begins to accuse Carley, who takes major offense (yes, you can do this). Lee is just a huge ass instigator in this route.

-Lee’s actions lead to Carley being shot on the side of the road, due to Lilly. He didn’t cause this, but his dialogue didn’t exactly help. Kenny decides to leave her, and Lee agrees, since Carley was supposed to be his (failed) booty call, and this is the one action Lilly remembers later, compared to everything else.

She even rats out Lee for being a murderer! Kenny gets upset for never being told, and honestly in this route I expected him to leave Lee there too, but Kenny seems to have more kindness than Lee, and that’s saying something.

-After an awkward RV ride, Katjaa reveals that Duck had been bitten, which Lee is just completely silent to. Silence is a valid option!

-I’ll do you all a favor and skip over the long ass train section. Highlights are, we’re silent/rude to Chuck when he spawns, we dont give Duck the water or animal crackers, and we grab the heaviest tool, in case we fail to fight Molly, and want Lee to have severe head trauma.

-After we finally get the train running, Kenny stubbornly refuses to hear Lee out when Lee tells Kenny that Duck is a growing boy, going through early puberty, and will no doubt become a gooner worse than Willy, and has to be put down before that can happen. Kenny argues back with asking how Lee could know a Season 4 character, and to deflect, Lee initiates a fight.

Now, whether winning or losing is better is up to you. Personally, maybe succesfully choking out Kenny a bit, and then letting him beat the crap out of Lee, is the course of action to go in a worst route. Lee even gets a dew bruises/scars throughout the episode! Kenny even stopped the train, and we prevented the Duckpocalypse death..

-Fast forward to off the train, Im pretty sure theres a choice or something to have Kenny stay with you or not. Now this is a hard one. What’s worse; witnessing your wife shoot herself in front of your eyes, with you presumably being unable to reach her in time? Or not being there to witness it, but you’ll probably feel like you missed a chance to do anything about it, since you stayed back?

-Regardless, Katjaa selfishly leaves us with the responsibility of shooting Duck. Except..Lee doesn’t let anyone force him to do anything. As tempting as it is to shout “SHOOT” To Kenny shooting his own son, I think it’s more tragic if we just leave Duck there. Kenny will no doubt feel endless guilt for leaving his son like that, and Larry’s prophecy comes true, with Duck eventually going to sink his teeth into his mother’s face. Dark.

-Ben soon reveals he was the one who slipped away our drugs, getting Kenny’s family killed. Lee soon reveals he’s about to throw Ben’s ass off the train.

-As if that wasn’t the end of Kenny’s turmoil, we get stopped by a huge ass gas tank. On the flip side, we meet Christa and Omid, who we’re already planning to screw over!

-After getting into the station and all that mumbo jumbo, we manage to cut the gas tank out the way with Omid. Sadly, a horde of gooners heard of the woman joining our group, and are converging quicker than the train can go. Kenny gets driving, Lee and Omid have to get down, but of course Omid decides to make an issue right then and there. Not taking his shit, Lee pushes Omid off the thighwah, directly making him bounce off the train and bust his knee, before jumping on perfectly fine.

-We now have a hilarious scene of Lee watching the injured Omid and pregnant Christa try to run onto the train. Help neither of them. Just keep shouting “Run!” As if that helps. Lee is an asshole for this one and it’s hilarious, *especially* since he still reaches and grabs *nothing* while they pull themselves up on the train.

Christa’s dialogue for this is justified. “What kind of leader are you!? Is this how you treat your people?!”

-And that’s the end of the highlights of Episode 3! We’re left off with Clem’s walkie being revealed to work..We need to have a talk with that girl about honesty. Coming from Lee, the most dishonest man known to existence in this route.

EPISODE 4!

-I dont think there’s tooo much bad you can do near the beginning, from what I remember. We start the episode walking down a nice rural neighborhood, but sadly the gooner hordes hear the hentai loudly playing on our phones and we have to make a break for it. Kenny trips and falls, and we’ll..just watch as he struggles with a walker at his ankle. Somehow, he doesn’t get pissed at Lee for this from what I remember, though to be fair he had done the same to Lee repeatedly. This is just their bro bond; letting eachother fend for their lives. Also, Lee will fail too shoot any walker coming towards Clementine when Ben ditches her, if possible.

-Be rude to everyone, of course. Even harshly discipline Clementine when she dives into the house alone! Christa judges us for this, but it’s not like she’s a good parent. She doesn’t even get past the first step of- okay, you know what, I probably shouldnt make this joke, in good faith.

-After we commit burglary and break into another home, we soon find a little zombie boy that broke into the attic. Kenny’s more emotional than usual since he realizes that this will be Duck in a couple of weeks (Zombie Duck’s still got some time and weight due to Katjaa) due to our choices. Lee doesn’t want to stick around to be blamed for that one, so he’ll just leave Kenny to do it alone, not even staying there with him.

-Soon we venture into the city with Kenny (forgive me if the timeline is a bit off, dont remember the specific order), where we’ll be searching for a boat. Lee prefers sightseeing instead, using a quarter to look into a telescope. However, they soon encounter someone looting a nearby stand, and since Lee can’t let anyone else have their thunder, he goes in, ready to attack. Somehow, through pure teleportation (considering neither us nor Lee saw Molly exit through any of the possible exit points), he gets snuck up on from behind. Now, whether you win or lose here is up to you. Either give Lee a concussion with a face full of wrench, or give Molly a nasty headache later down the line with that punch to the floor.

-When Kenny comes around to help Lee for once and attack, have Lee support the plan by saying “Get her!”. After Molly absolutely bodies Kenny, Lee does the most hilarious switchup ever and goes “Wait, he’s with us!” As if Molly should care about that.

-Fast forward, Lee is in a “You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation” type of deal, now alone in the sewers. He’s going to prove himself as the worse survivor ever, by constantly making noise and alerting the walkers, by using the gun instead of the pick, things like that.

-We soon break into Vernon’s little hideout. What is Lee’s first instinct when seeing old people? Threaten to kill them before the cancer does.

-Somehow, this works! We even have a new friend, Vernon! He totally didn’t immediately plan to betray Lee in this route. (i can already imagine- “Don’t worry Brie- I’ll go with this jackass, rob him and his group, and I’ll be home free. Have the lingerie on.”)

-Another fast forward, we’re in a dilemma with the group, as we need to sneak into crawford. Lee finally decides to be responsible for once; Even a group full of adults is an awful idea sneaking into a heavily armed strict base. The group would’ve definitely had more casualties if humans were in Crawford. So Lee ultimately decides to leave Clementine. …Nah, in this route, the bastard just wanted to see Clementine’s sad face as she walked up the stairs.

-The crew then makes their way to Crawford. As Lee has already prepared his words for their funerals, as he plans to ditch them before they get gunned down, this plan sadly falls apart as Crawford has fallen to the Gooner disease. Suddenly them not wanting old people or children makes them the moral messiahs. At least it’s easier to sneak around, in a tediously long (at least during replay) school section.

-While we can miss out on learning Molly’s backstory..we’ll actually learn it in this route. Just so Lee can confront her. And just so he can tell her “I didnt ask for your life story” when he literally just did. Not to mention, it’s rude as hell since it’s traumatizing for her. Anyway, let’s fast forward a bit. Surely everything else will go fine.

-IT DIDNT GO FINE. I REPEAT, IT DIDNT GO FINE. Lee may or may not have shot Molly when she was attacked by a horde. She then ran into a direction I’m pretty sure had no exit points, and I forgot if Lee even gave her pick back. If she can even use it with a shot arm. Yeah, Molly kinda got fucked over. Lee’s going to sweep this little incident under the rug…

-Since Ben decided to screw everyone over by removing the barricade, which already cost us a Molly (Lee is, again, covering up his part of things). But now we’re stuck in a classroom with Gooners trying to break down the door, and what does Ben decide to do while we’re already in peril we caused!? We reveal he was the one who got Duck and Katjaa killed. Lee tries to tell him to shut the fuck up, but Ben decides to have his balls drop and tell Lee no. Which is precisely why Lee told Kenny to kick his skinny little ass later, when trying to hold Kenny back from beating Ben to a pulp.

Not to mention, Lee wont exactly be advocating for Ben’s spot on the boat. Don’t uh, don’t tell Clem. Don’t tell her about anything that went down here, actually.

-Speaking of Ben..we’ll be dropping him off the tower, of course. Actually, we wont even do that. It’s possible to not even shoot the walker (who is Crawford) grabbing him. So Lee, perfectly capable of saving Ben, will let the poor boy be dragged down by Crawford. Crawford probably softened his fall too, so that’s even more drawn out pain for Ben too. Ouch. Kenny probably likes me for this though. Actually, does not shooting Crawford count as dropping Ben, in terms of Kenny’s point system? Little does Kenny know, we robbed him of character development!

Anyway, in Lee’s eyes, Ben wouldnt even be in this damn situation if he didnt take the hatchet out the door. Then told Lee “fuck you” when told to be quiet. Lee doesn’t let those things slide in this route.

-Back at the house, Kenny will accidentally snitch on us to Clementine about dropping Ben. Clementine isn’t exactly happy about this. Damnit Kenny!

-We will, yet again, threaten Vernon. The dude should’ve known better than to try to take Clementine from Lee.

-Clementine will yet again ask if they can look for her parents. By the way, Up to this point, Lee has been very blunt and rude to her about this topic. In his eyes, HE’S her parent now and he won’t be hearing anything else. Kinda weird Lee, ngl.

-For some reason, Clementine isn’t happy with us, and she decided to leave us while we finally took a once in a while nap. Lee goes oht to look for her..and little does he know, Clementine asked one of her walker buddies to hide behind trash and bite Lee as a prank. Silly Clementine.

-But now Lee has a bite to deal with. So annoying. Knowing Kenny would head back to the St. Johns for a saltlick in a heartbeat, to finish off Lee, Lee decides the smart thing is to hide the bite for now. And he needs to look for Clementine, and give her a talking or two about her walker friends.

-Sadly, Lee gets no help. Kenny remembers everything Lee had done to him, and punishes Clementine for it by letting her be kidnapped. As far as he knows, Clementine got taken by a raider gang for god knows what, but siding with Lilly one too many times apparently outweighs this, to Kenny. Because no matter what, you can’t convince him in this route, even with the family card (unless dropping Ben gained you enough points, but unless you sided with Kenny during a lot of the arguments, these choices should prevent him even being Neutral)

-Christa wont do it, for oMiD, because we didnt reveal our bite, nor did we leave Clementine with a gun to help with Omid. I swear, new drinking game, take a shot everytime Christa says Omid. I know you love him, but damn.

-Ben is dead. He decides not to join Lee.

-So a bitten Lee is on his venture alone, to save Clementine…How can this possibly go wrong?

FINAL EPISODE!

-Ah, the finale. The culmination of Lee’s choices, probably coming to bite him. He had just heard the voice on the radio speak of Clem, but before he can even figure that out, he blacks out, waking up to realize that if he doesn’t lose the arm, the gooner disease will overtake him.

-*Cue horrible, awful, grotesque scene of Lee having to saw off his own arm since he’s alone*

-I know this may be seen as the smart choice..but in meta context, knowing what happens, this is one of the worst choices you can make in hindsight. Lee goes through awful, agonizing pain, just to eventually die anyways, at the exact same point, with little to no benefits. He loses a whole arm. And plus, when he does this alone, it really paints a picture of a man so far gone, he saws off his own limb for a chance, compared to someone else doing it.

-Now without an arm, Lee makes his escape to the roof. Luckily his parkour skills haven’t failed him yet, as he manages to building hop with one arm. Molly would be shitting bricks if she wasn’t probably Walker Chow by now.

-Sooner or later, Lee makes it back to the group…who was severely beaten by Vernon’s crew. Well, Kenny was. They specifically gave him quite a few bruises. Lee’s laughing in his mind, happy to not be them..at least until he remembers he’s missing a whole arm, and has to explain that to everyone. Guess everyone’s been having their own adventure!

-Once back in the house attic, Kenny picks another fight with Lee. Lee will immediately throw the statue in rage. He was definitely aiming for Kenny, his missing arm just threw it off.

-Not much other things we can do for a certain stretch of this episode, that’s super bad. Not much happens. Oh, Kenny sacrificed himself for Christa. Got lost in a horde. There’s that. But yeah, nothing important (Remember this is through the eyes of Lee)

-Well, talk about immediate karma. Now Lee, Omid, and Christa are looking among a horde. Lee just sent Omid and Christa over first, hoping the sign they climbed would break with them on it. Unfortunately, no such luck, and now Lee is doomed to either become a roof dweller, or climb down. Climbing down it is..

-Alright, gooner horde. You think you got what it takes to take on THE LEE!? COME ON!

-Annnnd Lee got himself bit again. Twice.

Yup. Lee can chop off his own arm, *just to get bit again twice in the horde.* Talk about unlucky, damn.

-Once inside the Marsh house, Lee prepares to add yet another victim to the kill list. This kidnapper caused more hell for the group than Lee did, and he can’t let that slide. No competitors.

-Sadly, The kidnapper is one step ahead, and has Lee held at gunpoint, listing off every bad thing Lee had done. And you could imagine how that went, with this route. Anyway, just around the part where the kidnapper is willing to spare Lee’s life in exchange for Lee becoming his wife in this whole family dynamic, Clementine comes to the rescue, breaking out of her room. Lee directs her to the cleaver he had been forced to give up, which Clementine subsequently lodges into the shoulder of the Stranger. A large fight ensues!

-..In which Lee gets himself shot in the stomach, trying to get to the gun. Ouch.

-And due to the wounds of a bite we failed to stop, a whole ass chopped off arm, *two more bites*, and a bullet to the gut, Lee doesn’t have the strength to choke out the stranger. Disclaimer, he can, but in this route he won’t. It’s more tempting to traumatize Clem with killing a fully living person. (Goodness these posts make me seem awful)

-Since Lee now owes his life to Clementine, he cant in good conscience gun her down for getting him bit. He decides to get her to safety.

-Damnit Clementine, I am on my last leg, worry about your dead parents later! *passes out*

-Lee wakes up in containment, with Clementine telling him he went batshit crazy and started beating on a crowd of people, and Lee shrugs, as that’s a normal tuesday for him. His prisoner senses detect a security guard nearby, and wanting to turn the tables, he has Clementine handcuff the guard rather than himself. This does nothing as the guard soon attacks Clementine, with Lee being too weak to do anything about. After Clementine proves she’s an independent strong child and killing the zombie, she looks at the sadly dying Lee.

…Who stays utterly silent throughout the whole thing. Barely any last words. Just “…” and a mournful look. Damn this route is awful.

-And finally…have Clementine leave Lee. This can’t be a tragic route, without Lee being left there, unhandcuffed, to wander around as a one-armed zombie, no doubt probably killing someone since he’s unchained. And while people argue killing Lee is bad for Clementine’s trauma, this can’t exactly be good on her mental state either.

..Then again, considering Lee has done her more harm than good in this route, maybe a small part of her felt vindicated seeing this. This is the start of her villain route (Im unsure if these choices would lead to Clementine choosing by herself to leave Lee. so to be safe, Have Lee tell her to leave him. But if she can decide to on her own with these choices, I feel like that’s even more messed up)

And that’s the surprisingly long adventure of Unhinged Lee! Listen, you can argue that individually, these choices are morally grey. But combined, all choices together? Lee is a straight up asshole, you can’t change my mind. Even for a game where people usually die anyways, we left a lot more dead people and walkers than necessary. Pfft, and people say choices don’t matter! Tell that to everyone Lee personally screwed over! Also, is there anything I missed?

Either way, see you guys in the next post! Seeing how long this one was, it may not be wise to combine the next three seasons together, I may do them individually. Not to mention; 400 Days and Michonne!

That’s right folks. We’re about to create the absolute worst TWD timeline 😎 It’ll help you all feel better about your more decent routes, even if the harshness of Telltale/TWD made it feel depressing, I’ll show you that it could’ve been much worse.

Ah yes, our favorite character, Spoiler, and their variant Alien Spoiler.

Nah I’m kidding. This post, for those who clicked past the spoiler, (and I’ll leave a few more at the start to get the message across), is about >!Alien Anders!< . I usually make much different posts than this, but after seeing a comment a bit ago and analyzing the endings, I had a fun thought;

What if >!Alien Anders!<..has potential to be good?

Now hear me out on a few things. One; I know this isn’t likely and a bit of a reach, I’m not saying it’s canon. But it’s a fun thought to tickle the brain, and isn’t impossible.

Two; I don’t mean good as in ‘better’. Stranding an innocent woman on a desolate, waterless, foodless dusty planet is awful. But I mean that Alien Anders may have the potential to not..well, be a murderous psycho. A bit of a ‘silver lining’ of ditching the real Anders.

I’ll list my points briefly below;

-From what we’ve seen, The alien is considered to be a mass, like a hivemind. However, when it splits up, it’s like it’s own subconscious. For example, when two mimics meet eachother, they show recognition and communication; which is unnecessary if they’re meeting ‘themselves’. This leaves the possibility that a split off entity can have it’s own ‘personality’.

-Compare Alien Eisele and Alien Anders in the endings. When Eisele dies early on (so the crew doesn’t know), and her mimic is let in during the end (with or without Mitchell), you’ll get an ending where the crew is outright, blatantly murdered on the ship. If Alien Anders is there, the two mimics smile at eachother.

However, if Alien Anders is alone, *she isn’t shown killing everyone.* Everyone assumes so, but if they were to see the Eisele variant, they’d realize that Alien Anders *chose not to.* Of course, there’s the possibility she will offscreen/when they land on Earth, but what about the Docked ending? The alien could just kill everyone and fly off to Earth, just like if everyone died *before* this point. And if Earth was the overall goal, what was the point of Alien Eisele killing the others, if Alien Anders chose not to/didn’t have to?

-This is a bit of a weaker point, but in the secret scene where Cooper discovers Alien Anders, rather than the Alien just killing everyone right then and there, it..reveals itself. Plot convenience maybe, but by all logic; we saw mimic Eisele/Cernan instantly kill their real self by stabbing them in the chest with their hand. Even in ‘human form’, the mimics are capable of slaughter. Why not just kill Cooper the moment she initiated the fistbump?

Now, this isn’t to say that mimic Anders is the epitome of morality. There are multiple times where the mimic goes rogue, such as when your character dies during that one chapter you have to run away from multiple alien monsters; Alien Anders will be confronted by a different mimic after being split off, only to reveal herself and smile with the other mimic, effectively no longer integrating herself into the group, at least as far as I’m aware (and they both kill Mitchell if he’s there). Another time Alien Anders goes rogue is when Alien Eisele kills everyone in the end, as I mentioned.

However, you could argue these ‘deviations’ prove this theory quite a bit, actually. You could argue the alien’s plan from the start was to infiltrate the group to land on Earth, but why reveal itself/no longer join the group if nobody but it’s own hivemind is aware of the secret? Even if infiltration was the plan, maybe Alien Anders, as it’s own subconscious, slowly began to ‘change’\redeem itself seperate from the Entity’s goal. (since as Alien Anders, seperate from the whole entity, it hasn’t really killed anyone)

It may fall back and go murderous like an addict relapsing on their addiction, but that’s only on certain routes. But I think the alien is curious on the humans, and not in a malicious manner; it’s ‘giving them a chance’, in a sense. It’s more common for the alien to stay on it’s path and not kill everyone, than it’s common for it to go rogue and kill someone/show evilness.

Anyway before this gets too long, That’s it to my theory. And again, I know it’s unlikely, probably just the game aiming for a “Alien invades Earth” outcome (which still fits for the Eisele variant), but it was fun food for thought, and definitely fun to consider. Just like how Williams obviously isn’t good, but he doesn’t sabotage the group like many thinks (and is actually grateful if saved), I think Alien Anders holds some nuance too. Definitely not good, but there’s potential for her not to be evil down the line, at least if she likes the remaining survivors.

Hello there folks! Long read but I promise you won’t regret it, for the hilarity alone. I’m to deliver the absolute worst line of decisions you can have as Markus. Some of these choices can have nuance, and be called “not evil”..but combined together, can you really say Markus isn’t evil after everything he’ll end up doing? Believe me, he isn’t doing this for the androids either, so there’s that.

EDIT: Dont blame me for the low image quality, blame Reddit. And my pride making me refuse to fix it myself.

Anywho, lets begin! Be sure to check out the posts of Connor and Kara when they’re up! (As of writing this; they are!)

-Ah, Markus starts his story on a sunny day. Let’s ignore the news probably reporting “Local Deviant backflips off roof holding little girl, after shooting incompetent jackass police android”, and go about our day.

While everyone thinks this chapter is railroaded..it isnt! Its just hard to avoid some things. But you can avoid both the priest, and the protesters! Just have Markus walk around them.

..However, that’s for a Best Choices route. We won’t be doing that here. Have Markus stare at them like a toddler asking if you have games on your phone, only for him to get insulted and beaten. Plus, the priest will say “You will be the end of Detroit”. Foreshadowing much?

-Since we got confronted, Carl will notice how disheveled Markus is later. It’s fiiine.

-Don’t activate the android bird when coming back. You don’t deserve life, bird!

-Beating Carl at chess is too honest. Lose on purpose! “Draw” is a better version of this I feel like, while with losing on purpose, Carl is fully aware Markus is deciding to take pity on him while being able to win. Plus, since Markus gets trapped into this moral dilemma, this is the “worst” option for an activity compared to, say, the piano.

-Paint whatever painting you please. Maybe whichever one seems the most aggressive/scariest?

-Later on, Leo will be committing a GTA Online heist to get his hands on Carl’s paintings. Markus and Carl are having none of his shit, so they go in there guns blazing. In the scuffle, Markus “accidentally” pushes Leo backwards onto a machine and fractures his skull into about 28 crooked lines.

This is the good choice, I know, since Carl lives..but hold out with me, It gets sad later.

-Anyway, Markus becomes the victim of the Average American Cop, and ends up “dead” for self defense. But he’ll rebuild himself in the wastelands…mercilessly. He’s going to do things like steal parts from still-living androids who want to live. Yeah..uh..for the androids!

-And soon, he finds Jericho. Markus is ready to save his people, after such injustice! All he did was brain Leo!

-Yes, we will romance North if possible (and since we’re choosing violence, its possible no matter how much of a fool we are {EDIT: Looking back, I may be so wrong}). For the romantic impacts! But we will annoy the hell out of her, even with dialogue choices.

-Markus is sick of sitting around and waiting to die. He has a Leo to kill, he found out that the little shit lived. Unfortunately, North will nag him about the dying androids in their hideout. SUUUUCH a priority. But fine, let’s go pull a heist for some blue blood first. Markus has laid down the plan perfectly. He hired some experts for the job, including the well known John Wick, Michael De’Santa, and Weapons Expert Samurai Jack.

-Unfortunately in the Spare Parts chapter, Markus plan crumbles as he discovers that his hired crew failed to show up, so he’s stuck with Plan B; North, Josh, and Simon. At least they’re free of cost. Once the crew gets inside, Markus will show off his moves from 1980’s action films that Carl showed him…only to fail multiple events sneaking in, but not enough to get caught. Not yet.

-Once the crew gets to the spare parts and fill their bags, an android named John will discover the crew, because the Invisibility Cloaks Markus purchased for the mission were knockoffs that dont even hide you when you wear them. A guard will then come and ask for John. We could hide like idiots, only for John to immediately reveal us..or we could grab John…or we could stab the guard. Let’s commit murder on another human that has loved ones and a family! Josh will turn outright Hostile toward us, and North doesnt even have a relationship improvement, nor loss, even she stares at you like ‘wtf’. But yeah, Josh…We’re going to make the most peaceful guy want to kick our ass.

-We’ll end up traumatizing John into deviating by himself because of that. John independence day! John sees this as reasonable cause to join Markus, and tells him how to find more blue blood. Markus is selfish and wants it all for himself, so he agrees, and runs off to prove why he was called a ‘ninja’ by Leo, just pronounced weird.

-By the way, those androids in that compartment behind everyone? Yeah, just..close that back. We dont have time to deviate people (We do, but the others dont have to know that). Now to get the key to that truck, and have Markus accomplish his mission!

-But he’s no Connor. He’ll walk right in front of the guards, make the alarm get tripped, then have to fight them. Fail some of the QTE’s to hurt Markus (there goes some of the blue blood they’re stealing), but succeed the others. EXCEPT the last QTE, as this makes Markus have to shoot the guard in the stomach. Another unneeded casualty on a poor soul who was trying to be heroic. At least the news channels will have things to report.

-RUUUUN. The alarm got sounded due to an incident totally unrelated to Markus. Totally. sadly, a guard dog will drag John to the ground. Markus wont let the only useful android so far die; try to save him! …Only for Markus to get mauled by a dog as well. How North saves him is beyond me. John didnt make it though. And they got about..a few bottles of blue blood at least! …80% of which will go to healing Markus’ stupid ass. But North confirms they had to leave the bags, so the mission was literally pointless.

-Markus doesn’t even have the gall to do his “At least we tried!” Speech. He wakes up from being saved, is guilty about John, and the chapter ends. With how that shitfest went, I’m not shocked that if Markus tried to pull that speech, he’d be thrown out of Jericho right then and there.

-After Jericho somehow forgives him for this, he’s given the chance to redeem himself later at Stratford tower. And he manages to fail even this in every way.

First off, he forgets to lock the damn door when he and North are sawing windows. A man walks in, asks what they’re doing, and Markus literally says “Uh…we’re doing maintenance”. Promptly, security is called, and North is forced to knock the man out. She reaaaallly doesnt like Markus right now, I don’t think he’s going to be able to romance her unless we somehow repair this. Then, with the two guards in the room, aim the gun at them, making them call security. Shoot one of them, preferably the one calling security since the other will shoot Simon (Security gets called anyways due to us not locking the door).

Markus will even shoot the broadcaster running away. Not that it saves the mission, since after the broadcast, SWAT storms the building. Simon gets shot AGAIN, and Markus can’t let his blonde twink die, so he’s going to try to save him, and they’ll make it to the roof. Markus won’t shoot Simon either! Afterall, Markus has entrusted Simon with a special mission; ‘traumatize Connor’. I suppose we’ll have to see that happen in Connor’s post!

-Okay. Look. Markus isn’t doing the best right now. He’s caused more harm than good to Jericho and everyone rightfully hates him. But he can fix this! Afterall, he has a master plan. He and North will storm Capitol Park and free their brethren.

The best part is? For once, things won’t go wrong..

-Okay, well, relatively speaking. Markus will try to wrestle a drone, and he discovers that his hard practice, wrestling and throwing Carl, is insufficient when it comes to wrestling something that can fight back. The drone will throw him off and call the cops for assault. North will then murder it (Aren’t drones like..animals to them? They’re so peaceful about killing them) with a shovel and berate Markus for the millionth time.

Shit, the police are coming. Markus’ master plan? …”Act natural” by dragging North to a bus stop and kissing her. After North kicks Markus in the balls, pepper sprays him, and submits him as the next inspiration for Law and Order SVU, they then focus on their task, liberating their androids. But yeah, North hates us, probably because forcibly kissing a woman who has SA trauma isn’t the best idea. Markus is a jackass.

-Shockingly, Markus succeeds in breaking into the store. As tempting as it is to ditch all of the androids..Its more tempting to cause destruction after. If we fail, we have to leave.

-We won’t be doing this, but hilarious note; after breaking into the store and North tels him what to do, you can just…do nothing until the police arrive. To quote a North with angry tears in her eyes; “We had a chance to spread our message, and you just fucking STOOD THERE!”

-Back to our original programming, time to storm Capitol Park! Do everything destructive. Turn over cars, burn all 5 possible things, destroy nearby objects, stuff like that. Dont waste time on Graffiti unless the message is threatening or has Markus’ face (to implicate him further). In this chaos, Markus not only burns down a store, but a damn hotel. A *hotel.* not only is that a huge business to ruin, but what if there were people inside? I don’t trust that EVERYONE in that hotel got out unscathed. Plus, the news reports confirm that the fires are still spreading. So above all damage, at least cause a bunch of fires.

But not only that. In this worst route, DON’T free the androids from the windows or anywhere of that sort. Let them stay trapped for the rest of their lives. We believe in Independent Deviancy! …Hopefully that happens before they’re recycled later.

-After someone rats us out to the police, we sadly have to flee. We’ll find North crying over dead bodies (I thought you said hatred was better than indifference, North?), and then androids holding two cops hostage, one of which with a confirmed wife and son. We’ll be tasked with deciding their fates after they slaughtered the other androids.

…Eh, Markus doesnt feel like it. He wants to kill Leo, not random assholes. He’ll just hand the gun to a random android who stares at him like ‘Wtf’. Dont stare at me dude, you literally decided to kill those two guys, as the news reports confirm. Those guys had friends and families. Thats on you, not me.

As revenge for our actions, humans will be burning androids, according to the news. So we just indirectly got our brethren killed.

-We’re now at the Freedom March! The game will force you to convert a few androids to progress..But after that? Markus will walk down the streets, repeating the exact same message, and walking past every. Single. Android. Freedom for all? Ha! Freedom for Markus! I guess you can steal a few Karas away from their families, or any android that seems useful or loved. But permit yourself no more than 3 androids! Bare bones march or nothing! This is honestly an awful thing to do, since those androids left behind, are presumably either stuck as machines or are later stuck in situations where they’re likely brought to the recall center.

-Now for when the police stops things? Good question. DONT attack immediately. Surprising, yes, but we’ll decide to stay still a few times, needlessly getting androids shot. Then, when the option comes to sacrifice..Attack instead. Fuck you Josh, they’re murdering us! CHARGE!

-Markus can survive multiple shots, so have that happen, but dont get him killed. For example, when theres three options to deal with the cops aiming at you, run at them and get shot. The game is surprisingly lenient with the QTE’s here. Fail any QTE that may get another android killed if thats possible. But decision wise?

Execute the sole soldier Markus beats down. Nobody gets lucky. Also, when a soldier is aiming at you and North..charge at them soldier and let North get shot! She’ll be fine. Totally. Totally..

Finally, after failing some QTE’s and making North shoot some soldiers for you, gun down all of the remaining soldiers running away! Yeah…at this point, the Androids arent even fighting for freedom well. This isn’t self defense, they’re actively attacking humanity. Damn it Markus. Josh probably wants to smother us with a pillow.

-Since Connor used Simon and Chloe’s powers combined to find Jericho, Jericho is fucked and gets attacked. And for Markus, this can be a hilarious disaster.

First off, North will submit his notice of being fired from Jericho. If at this point its not possible due to a violently succesful Freedom March, then choose to flee previously instead.

Welp, Markus got kicked out of Jericho by North for literally causing more damage than good, due to getting more androids killed than he’s saved. Josh didn’t really disagree.

Markus see the police encroaching upon Jericho..And you know what? They still owe him Leo’s head on a spike. And now, North as well. Traitor! We’ve gotta run back in there and stop her! Ahem, I mean, ‘save our people’.

-*Cue Markus deciding to “save his people”, but abandoning every single Android being gunned down*

-Well, besides Josh. Why? Because Markus wants Josh to suffer, and see the carnage we’re causing because he and North kicked us out.

-Soon, Markus will get jumpscared by Terminator Connor. Luckily, Connor seems to have been a bit defective lately, and Markus guns him down without much issue. Must feel awful to have to kill a fellow android though. Oh well..Connor will be back.

-Markus soon locks in on North’s location. She tries to act all friendly as if she didnt just kick Markus out, and he’s having none of it. North will get shot as she escapes, looking to Markus for help..

…And lets just say, Markus gets his leadership position back pretty quick, because North doesn’t make it with us.

-Okay, look Josh. I know this doesnt look good. The group’s terrorist (Markus) has came back and done nothing to prove he’s a good leader except save your life. He abandoned North to die. But hear me out. A revolution is what we need. A revolution will bring us Leo’s head on that damn spike! The 10 androids in total that are still alive seem to agree!

-Speaking of, we’re taking a nice visit to Carl, since the Picasso Mafia broke Carl’s legs for stopping Leo from acquiring the paintings, and the old man is now bedbound. No regrets though, Leo is still in the hospital trying to get a replacement for about 17 skull pieces still.

-Dont you see, Carl!? Leo has done too much! He stole my pokemon cards! He sold my socks! He pretended to hug me then took my wallet! Humanity must suffer and die for his crimes! Fire and death!

…Carl, now isnt the time for a heart attack!

-Well, we got the worst case scenario, Leo hospitalized and Carl dead. If only Markus could’ve prevented that. But now his greatest heist partner is gone, and Leo is still alive, so Markus has a job to do. Time to go to war!

-If Josh didnt like the Freedom March, he wont like this. I mean, he’s still outright “Hostile”. The most peaceful guy wants Markus dead.

Oh well. CHARGE! IF ONE OF THOSE DEAD SOLDIERS AREN’T LEO THEN I’M RIPPING ALL OF YOU A NEW ONE!

-Shoot as many humans as possible, kill those soldiers that have families!

…But dont get too far/dont progress much. If you see Josh get shot, you’re doing too good. Also, make deliberately bad choices, making androids run into bullets, tell the scared android to fight and then die, etc.

you see, Markus made this clear. This isn’t for Androids, this is to see Leo dead. And since Markus isn’t seeing his drugged out ass in the battlefield, he doesn’t feel like fighting. So he’ll stay behind cover until that probability rate reaches 0%, leading to loss.

-Markus tries to retreat, and gets lit up by multiple bullets. He’s no North though, so he has a fighting chance and crawls out of there, into a store. He doesnt understand why he’s getting shot, he’s letting the humans kill his army! This may be the end..

-Bleeding out in the store, Markus decides to at least die in peace, knowing that even if Leo survives that head injury, he’ll have about 50 mental conditions.

Sadly, That doesn’t satisfy Connor. Markus doesn’t recognize him and assumes Connor is one of his many ex lovers that Markus ghosted, and thats why Connor wants to kill him. Sadly, convincing Connor out of this doesnt work, and Connor promptly leaves a bullet in his head..and the police win. That’s the true tragedy of this post! Cop propaganda!

-However, little did Connor know Markus has two brains; a bad side, and an evil side. Connor only killed one of them. And Markus can’t pass up his last chance to leave a mark on the world. Leo can’t keep getting away with this!

So, Markus’ hand ‘slips’ and he ends up pressing the detonator of the Dirty Bomb. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys, he stored that in the robo rectum inventory somewhere. Comes in handy! So rest in peace, Detroit. Every soldier in the immediate blast vicinity is dead or is suffering radition cancer/mutations. That same fate probably applies to every Detroit citizen that wasn’t out of the state within 30 minutes. Markus undoubtebly ended countless lives and ruined many others by doing this, and guaranteed that humanity will never like Androids again. Basically an all out war, androids or humans, one side *will* die out after everything done in this route. Diplomacy is out the window- which arguably isnt the case even on a normal violent path.

Rest in peace Markus, however- unless Connor decides to not shoot him. But overall..yeah. With Kara, Connor, and Markus’ decisions combined, they literally caused the maximum possible casualties in the game, ended countless lives, and completely destroyed Detroit. Androids lost the war, but humans died a bunch throughout the game and got nuked. Literally nobody won! What, is there a few straggler androids sitting around? They’re probably getting hunted down by a special task force after what we did.

Well, there is Josh. Yes, you can actually have him survive the Violence Path- just fail before he dies. And so, ironically, we have a Josh sole survivor ending, and it isnt even a happy one, since he lost all of his friends, had to kill humans, saw no peace, is full of guilt, and would probably be killed on sight. He doesnt seem like the type to commit suicide either, so he’s really just going to be living with all that. Markus actively damaged and ruined any chances Androids had.

But that’s the end of the tragic tale, folks! Did I forget anything? Could I have done worse? Let me know your thoughts, these were fun posts to make!

Don’t forget, check out Connor and Kara’s stories as well!

Connor’s worst outcome!

Kara’s worst outcome!

Hello everyone! Hilariously dark but lengthy read ahead.

Some may or may not recognize me, depends on if you’ve been in other choice game or Telltale game subs! But long story short, Ive been making posts of the worst possible timelines and choices you can take in games, to ensure the most casualties, evilness, destruction, and just overall make the world a worse place. And what better game to do that with than arguably the biggest choice game to exist? (Come on, its 2026, you’d think we’d have another Detroit-like game by now)

I’ll do this with a series of hopefully just 3 posts, highlighting the worst of each character’s storyline!

I’ll start with our beloved boy Connor, who’s going to be through more trauma than good.

CONNOR

-First mission can go comically awful. Connor will walk in there, probably annoy Captain Allen a bit, take the gun you’re specifically told not to have, then just…stand there like a defective android. Probably in Daniel’s line of sight too, since that causes swat injuries. Better yet, wait a few minutes, and you’ll end up getting another cop shot, and Captain Allen will force Connor out to face Daniel, aiming a gun at a girl that should probably sue Cyberlife for making a android using her facial features (Alice). Then..proceed to piss off Daniel at every turn, telling him he’ll meet the recycling center a little less faster if he lets the girl go. That cop bleeding out to the side? Walk past him, let him bleed out. Most people miss out on him anyway.

Lie about having a gun. Then immediately pull out the gun. But dont shoot! What could go wrong?

Shit. Connor got shot dead. Annnnnd Daniel just dragged a girl off a roof. Annnd Captain Allen is looking at Connor’s corpse like he wants to burn it. What do you MEAN, lying about an unauthorized gun, aiming it at a panicking angry man holding a little girl over a roof, then threatening him, isnt a good idea!? …That hysterical mother will hate androids for life. Damn, one mission in and we have about 5 unnecessary casualties.

The worst thing is!? Connor neglected to save the fish that was out the aquarium at the start!

-I believe the next part in Connor’s story is meeting Hank. How will Connor introduce himself to this traumatized, grizzled old man detective?

By verbally trying to drag him out the chair, contacting his superiors, and spilling his drink of course!

Shit, he hates us. We’re going to have to fix that if we dont want him to play some rigged Russian Roulette later. I heard it’s lethal.

-We’re now investigating an Android that got abused. Hank will ask us how the man suffered 28 stab wounds with a baseball bat nearby. And since Connor was told he won’t receive a single dollar to his paycheck until he actually does his fucking job after the last fiasco, he wants to take this seriously.

EXPERT CONNOR ANALYSIS; Carlos Ortiz attacked the android in self defense, with a knife! After a fight in the nonexistent garden, Carlos ended up stabbed in his living room! The baseball bat is a baseball bat.

Hank will have enough of this bullshit and leave Connor in the house, confused on what he did wrong, also saddened by the lack of paycheck. The abused android gets to try to survive in this disaster of a playthrough, at least! Im sure he wont get himself killed, or Marcus wont screw him over with the Disaster War.

-I totally didnt forget what chapters go in what order. This list is all over the place. Anyway, whenever the chapter is you can encounter Gavin asking Connor for coffee, refuse. It might make that woman cop Gavin’s trying to impress, unsympathetic with Connor.

-The chapter after that for Connor? Uhhh..I think its waiting for Hank. Surprisingly, have Connor learn things about him. *If* you want to save Hank from Russian Roulette. I only say this, because Im debating which Hank outcome is worse (if you know what happens in the future on some routes, you know what I mean)

-Kara will make a surprise cameo in this post, as Connor will find and chase her! Kara and Alice will get to the highway..And Connor will stubbornly refuse Hank’s order to stay, and chase the deviant woman and the child down the highway! …Connor then promptly hits major karma, as we’ll succeed in the QTE for Kara to push Connor in front of a incoming vehicle..but fail the QTE for Connor to dodge. That way, Kara directly killed a fellow android (Probably will have later trauma about whether it was right to kill an android doing its job, something like that once she isnt worrying about Alice), Connor fails his job again, and Hank also gets to relive his trauma of his son getting hit by a car. Everyone wins!

-Next Connor chapter is investigating Rupert. This time, Connor will finally do his job and succeed. You see, Connor is sick and tired of being looked at as a failure of an android. “I never fail my mission” is an outright lie coming out of hmouth, considering he’s failed his missions in every conceivable way. So he wants to redeem himself! He’ll find Rupert, chase him succesfully (besides falling through a roof and nearly getting blended by a shredder), and..ditch Hank when the man is hanging off the roof. Look, Connor didnt have time to be impressed by an overweight old man having an 89% chance to pull himself off the edge, he had an android to catch. ….Crap, Hank hates us again, slapped us, and the deviant fucking jumped off the roof. Look, Connor TRIED. Im guessing he still wont get paid.

-By the way, Amanda hates us. The thing is, Connor isnt even trying to make that be the case. He’s been doing pretty machine choices..but Connor chooses this one moment to make emotional responses to this very stern lady. And he keeps failing his mission. We’ll chalk it up to mommy issues making him vulnerable with Amanda.

-In the next chapter..shit, Hank attempted Russian Roulette again. We’re losing him, people! Deploy the hippie clothes to cheer him up!

-We are now at the strip club. Surely staring at a few dancing guys and gals doesnt make Connor sus…shit, Hank caught us.

Anyway, fast forward, and we’re now fighting robo strippers. Fail some QTES, Make Connor look doofy and sustain damage, throw a North, but when everything is said and done..shoot the android running at you. Making her girlfriend shoot herself too. We just ruined android yuri that wouldve had a perfectly happy ending. Connor is a monster. Hank thinks so too, since he hates us even more. I sure hope theres a cap to that, or else he may be unsaveable. Hopefully dialogue choices salvage things, because our major choices sure won’t.

At least he did his job for once! Unfortunately, Amanda said she put his paycheck into an offshore savings account to guarantee ‘client security’ or something. I’m sure he’ll see that money in the next 20 years.

-We are now sitting at a bridge with Hank..having a nice talk..discussing life…How Connor does fear death…Yup, Connor is sounding human for once! …Not that Hank cares. Hank just shot him because he hates us. Probably a few regrets down the line, along with bills from Cyberlife to Hank, that he’d never pay.

-Connor #4, with his Daddy and Mommy issues with Hank and Amanda respectively, is now in inner turmoil. He wants to do his best after so much disaster, investigating the lethal tower raid. And he does! He even avoids getting stabbed in the kitchen (I wonder if you can probe one of the androids without that happening. If so, do it.) Why? Because our good buddy Simon is making a cameo on the roof, after Markus got him shot (more on that at another time). There’ll be a shootout between Simon and the police, and Hank will demand Connor stay down..which Connor refuses of course! He manages to dodge the bullets, probing into Simon’s memory…before Simon shoots himself. With Connor in his mind. This proceeds to then give Connor trauma, as he sounds human, and emphasizes how he felt Daniel die. Poor Connor. This is the 4th time he’s felt death, and he didnt even die this time!

-And now..we meet Kamski. You know how this chapter goes. Poor Chloe wont be making it.

What do you MEAN, Hank is on my ass again about being cruel!? I want to accomplish my mission, he should be happy! Screw it, we have the location of Jericho now, Kamski screwed over his own androids because we killed one of our own, let’s go raid Marcus’ ship.

-Connor will later sneak aboard Jericho as it’s being raided. Due to..events we are currently unaware of, Markus is currently M.I.A and kicked out of Jericho. Connor is probably confused seeing North there, since Markus was never declared dead. Dont worry, Im sure he’ll come back. Back to Connor. Since it is literally impossible for us to deviate at this point due to our choices, we won’t! Connor will remain a stone, cold, machine..more like an angsty teen detective trying to prove he isnt a deviant.

-We’ll need to neutralize the deviant leader. What do you know? Markus did come back! Probably for revenge on North for kicking him out. What drama did Connor miss out on!? Anyway, Before Connor can find Markus, a soldier with confront him. Instead of being any sort of reasonable..beat the man into submission.

-Sadly, as Markus will complete the QTE later for the gun, Connor will get shot again. Seems like the other protagonists don’t like him much. Onto Connor #5.

-We havent checked on Hank in a while…oh no.

Well, with our choices, we likely got Hank to get that rematch on Russian Roulette he always wanted. On the bright side..

-Due to Hank politely moving himself out the way, on the roof, Connor should be able to assassinate Outcast Markus without interruption. Damn it- who ticked off the police? Captain Allen wants to do his job and show up for once in his life, and its to stop me from ending the revolution!? Well, he probably doesnt like me after how that hostage situation went down..

Connor will refuse to stand down, and so will Captain Allen. Solution? massacre his entire squad, and kill the man. Damn, this post isnt even about Markus, and Detroit is already losing dozens of lives.

-Ah, we’ve come far with Machine Connor, havent we…So many lives ended, so many people who hate us. Connor will soon manage to find Markus in the battlefield.

..Not in the literal battlefield, no. Markus got everyone shot, the androids are fucked. Connor had nothing to do with this probably. Anyway, Markus will be found dying inside of a building, probably regretting his choices. Connor technically won by default, but he doesnt settle for Match Wins unless he increases his K/D ratio. He’ll ignore Markus’ logical arguments on why Connor shouldnt shoot him, will shoot Markus anyways (we’ll chalk it up to revenge). Connor finally did it..he proved himself..he accomplished his ultimate mission!

…Only for Markus to somehow survive a headshot (Connor chooses this one time to not be ultra lethal), and..activate a fucking dirty bomb. Welp. Detroit is screwed. Does Connor still get the credit..? I’m now imagining a confused Connor in the wastelands, wondering if he gets paid still. Amanda doesnt have the heart to remind him he was never going to get paid.

-In fact, Im pretty sure Connor is just probably doomed. He’s either getting ditched as a defective model, or he’s getting replaced. Then again, Cyberlife can’t exactly put resources into a new Connor when their H.Q is currently bathing in radiation. So I think Connor is actually safe in this ending! Probably traumatized, loaded with guilt, and hated by both androids and humans, but alive! Yippee! But no paycheck. Sigh. I guess he’s going to have to make do with that quarter he tosses, to pay the bills.

And there we go! The worst set of choices, at least as Connor! But this isn’t the end everyone- keep an eye out for posts regarding Kara and Markus’ stories as well! Detroit isnt fully doomed until they’ve got their hands on it.

As of writing this, Kara’s is now up! Let me know if you want to see Markus’ soon (Unless its already done when youre reading!)

I’d appreciate any thoughts and opinions! See you guys there!

Kara’s worst choices!

Markus’ worst outcome!

Hello everyone! I’m here to dive into the worst possible sets of choices for the game, from Kara’s POV! If you haven’t seen them, be sure to check out the posts on Connor and Markus, and how they cause even more destruction to end the life cycle of Detroit! The three main characters have been menaces who actively made the world a worse place, by the way.

But it’s Kara’s turn! Come along with me, Alice, we’ve gotta get to Canada!

DISCLAIMER: NO CHILDREN WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST. ANDROID CHILDREN? OH..

-From the start, Kara can have things not go the best. But first and foremost, she’s going to prove that Cyberlife cheaps out on it’s programming, and continuously annoy Todd by doing nothing at times, walking in front of the TV constantly, and trying to get a sniff of his Red Ice stash. Kara is stressed, man. Also, have Kara refuse to do any optional chores. what brownie points do we need from Todd? Leave that house a mess!

-Keep in mind, Kara is the most susceptible to damage in this game. By that I mean, Connor gets replaced if he dies, and Markus has access to android components. Kara? If you injure her, there is no realistic way she heals herself in some of these scenarios. That being said, get her hurt as much as possible!

-Alice..well, lets just say this poor girl won’t be having a fun time. Kara wont bother to talk to her (except choices that decrease the relationship) or anything of that sort!

-Later on, in Stormy Night…well, we know how this chapter goes. And no, we wont be getting Kara and Alice smashed into parts. To maximize damage in this playthrough, they need to live, not have their stories cut short!

First, try to speak with Todd. Get Kara needlessly hurt, and provoke Todd into going after Alice immediately.

Gun? Yes. Succeed in using that gun? No. Fail literally every QTE in the fight with Todd…you won’t die, since Alice will shoot Todd instead! Yippee, we traumatized that girl for life! +1 to the kill count!

-What do you mean, running off with a little girl who shot a man, makes us fugitives!? Fiiiine.
No, we wont make Alice sleep in a car, its not like she really cares about comfort. But here’s the plan..

-We have a gun. So we use this gun to go into the store. We force Alice to knock over cans. Steal some pointless food. Then we use the gun, and threaten the man at the register, making him hate androids! THEN we steal clothes from the laundry matt, ruining a guy’s day, and making Alice chastise us again. And THEN..we sleep in a squat, with our acquired resources.

- While usually I do this as the good route, I feel like this also works for a bad route, if you antagonize Ralph. Kara can also leave her gun upstairs (direct evidence of Todd’s murder, by the way). In the morning, Kara will be snitched on by Ralph after she threatens him with a knife (Only after forcing Alice to play along for a bit, decreasing their bond). Ralph probably got arrested too after being discovered, so thats a plus.

-Kara and Alice will be on the run from a wild Connor, on a highway. Little do they know, Connor has failed every mission so far. While Kara will fail a few QTES and get hit but live (this scene is forgiving), Connor will catch her for a bit, before she pushes him away. She’ll succeed, but Connor will also fail. And thus..Kara murdered a fellow android by pushing him in front of a car. That’ll probably sit on her mind for a while. For Alice!

-Ah, after so long searching…They encounter Zlatko! I’m sure this man is nice and friendly.

*A few minutes later* Huh..did Kara just get her memory erased in some dude’s basement?

-Yeah yeah, we’ll get her memory back. Afterall, she downloaded folders upon folders of premium DILF porn, and she can’t let that go forgotten. It gets to the point she walks right by the trapped, tortured androids in the basement. I’m sure they’re fine.

-Probably cutting it really close, find Alice after recovering your memory. Throughout Zlatko’s house? Well..For one, rip out the heart of the android in the bathroom. Cruel, but he’s a snitch. Then, don’t release the trapped polar bear, poor thing. And then…burn Zlatko’s house. Why is this bad? Well, you’re already going to kill a man. Realistically, you’re burning down priceless furniture, artifacts, a house that could go to someone who isnt a psychopath, and..every android and bear you left trapped in there. Kara is a monster. But hey, we have Luther, who just shot Zlatko in the chest!

-Ah, Luther. Our bodyguard. Our living, second chance, in the flesh (?). Im sure he’ll last long with us.

-During the Pirates Cove chapter, I dont think there’s much you can do, besides ignore choices that increase your bond with Alice. Oh, you can threaten the Jerry’s with the gun! Unless we left that earlier. Woops.

-Midnight Train. We have now met, the seemingly very important Rose. And her whiny (but correct if you think about it) son Adam. Im sure this will be a peaceful venture where Kara and Alice will be able to get to Canada peacefully. Crap, is that a cop at the door?

-Kara is tasked with hiding everyone, and ensuring that cop gets out the door satisfied. The result? She leads the cop right to the android room, calls the noises a draft, gets them caught, and Luther has to come to the rescue and save them, by becoming One Push Man then falling to one bullet. Rest in peace Luther, you saved Kara from screwing up absolutely everything. Also, Adam hates us for sure now since he witnessed Luther kill a man, so he goes on about that while Kara and Alice are grieving. Rose comes back in, stares blankly, then says they have to go. Girl, you have a dead man and a shot android in your house. Either you go to jail for everything, or you dispose of the body and become a legit criminal. And seeing as how she shows up later, she probably took Option #2.

-We’ll soon have gotten to Jericho, after all the stress. Maybe this is Alice and Kara’s chance at peace? Aboard the ship of Warmonger Markus?

-Alice will get revealed as an android, after we see another version of her. Lucy will ask Kara if it even natters. …And yes, yes it does. Kara will be distant, because Kara in this route literally ended countless lives for this girl, just for Alice to lie to her about her existence.

…Alice? Alice, why are you leaving? ALICE!

-Well, Alice is gone. She got upset that Kara was being distant, when their relationship was literally ‘Distant’. Yes, this actually happens.

-However, Kara remembers she can’t possibly earn any Child Support if that child is dead! She has to find Alice, immediately!

-After she finally finds Alice, they’ll be trying to survive the Jericho shootout. You can get Kara shot in the arm, if you immediately run right at the guards shooting at you. Then, Kara will bring Alice into a room and close the door, locking out another android. Alice begs for Kara to let her in..and so we will! Why is Kara being altruistic for once? Well, Alice is ready to leave us, we’re on thin ice. That, and by trying to let in the android, that android gets shot anyways, and Kara has to shoot a soldier in the head to protect Alice. +1 Kara kill count!

-As they’re fleeing Jericho, soldiers will shoot at them. What to do here? ..Keep running, just once! You get Kara shot in the leg, which she will have to somehow deal with. And their journey goes on a bit longer!

-Afterwards, Kara will have to sneak through the streets to get to the bus. There’s no Luther to save (I forgot if the Jerry is still in danger or saveable if Luther isnt here). Abandon the Jerry, then you’ll encounter a choice to take a detour or go risky. Go risky. And then, they’ll be checked by officers..and After everything that’s happened so far..Kara will shoot the cop that says “Wait”. It turns out he just wanted to give Alice something she dropped. That feels absolutely awful. +1 Kara kill!

-We might still be able to get to the recycling center after this. Im unsure if the game has you proceed to the checkpoint immediately or if you can turn back. If its impossible to get captured after shooting the guard, then either do that and make the choices to proceed to the boat ending (we know how that goes), or DONT shoot that guard. He gets off lucky. Instead, get Kara captured right beforehand when trying to sneak. We want the recycling center for our planned ending..

Rose? Well, she’s probably still in that parking lot, wondering where Kara is.

-Welp, Kara is living through history in a way she never wanted to. She has to get out of this…damnit Kara, you and your choices. We’ll try to have Kara and Alice as unscathed as possible.

-Which involves Kara refusing to put her hands up and then shielding Alice, both actions getting her hit and stressing out Alice. Then linger and walk in circles around the guard, and get pushed around some more, further stressing Alice. And how can I forget being brutally honest with what’s about to happen? Poor Alice won’t be catching a break. Especially having to deactivate her skin.

-A shot android has to be cleaned up, and a guard is forcing another android to clean it. Kara volunteers! It stresses out Alice, but Kara has a plan..Alice just needs to trust Kara’s great plan…

-Kara will drag the android away, to the cleanup area..before seeing a truck, about to drive off. And what does Kara do? …She hops on that truck, and keeps her head down. …Who am I kidding, if I was her, I’d signal the driver to get going before opening a bag of Android Chips

-We’re now on the truck to freedom. Kara has escaped her fate of becoming a Coca Cola can. She’s more of a Dr. Pepper girl herself.

Kara is now in a field of destroyed androids, in a Detroit…that hates Androids, is currently nuked due to Markus at the moment, not that Androids are doing any better since Markus lost the war. Im sure Kara has a plan.

.

Oh. Alice? Uh. Oh. Heh. Um. Still at the recycling center. ..I guess Kara isn’t getting that child support income.

And that’s the end of Kara’s absolute worst storyline! I mean yeah, she could’ve died with Alice at the recycling center…but the idea of a downtrodden, mentally destroyed android who went to such lengths, having to make her way through a destroyed detroit with barely any deviant allies left, with the world hating androids, is a curious idea. Kara is probably going have to be a hermit, hidden in the shadows of detroit forever. Living with lots, and lots of guilt for the rest of her immortal android life as well. …And she probably needs a few components, with all the injuries and failed fight QTE’s. Good thing she’s in a wasteland with all the parts she needs. She can become the next Markus! That went well last time!

…Let’s be honest, In this route, Kara would be a worse revolution leader than North.

Thats the end of Kara’s post! See you guys either on Markus’ worst storyline, or Connor’s! If you thought Kara was bad, she didn’t cause nearly as much tragedy as them, shockingly enough..

Let me know your thoughts and opinions below, on this tragedy route/failthrough! And if you want the other parts up quick, Im going to try to do them ASAP today!

Connor’s worst choices!

Markus’ worst outcome!

I guess this is less so a hot take, and moreso me wanting to discuss/ask the fandom about this, it may just happen to be a hot take due to how often I see people say it.

Unhappy Campers, undoubtedly, harshly stained Moxxie’s character for a lot of people. And honestly, I just don’t get..why. Like, I agree the episode did him cringe, but I watched it again recently and it wasn’t even as bad as people make it seem. Moxxie and Millie literally had one problem out of a million. And it wasn’t out of thin air, they both know Moxxie is insecure as Hell. It’s his primary flaw; just like Millie is way too impulsive at times (possibly being the one member to possibly cause a conflict if the company stopped killing humans). They are two ends of the extreme, and they help eachother through it and love eachother for that.

How the episode displayed the conflict? It was annoying for two reasons for me. One, the same reason it annoyed everyone else, it was purposefully done to show Moxxie being obnoxious. But two, it was just..needlessly awful to Moxxie throughout the episode. Finally giving him a chance for him to feel validated by running a mission, only for Millie to immediately find the target and make a good plan, then for everyone at camp to treat him like an insect, then what he finally did this all for, killing a target, Millie takes that away without even being there. This episode was just Moxxie torture porn- especially the fact that viewers themselves are acting like he’s the spawn of Satan for it and hating him. Even the song lyrics got in on bullying Moxxie.

I would push that aside as just being “The point of the episode”..but people are legit hating Moxxie for it? If it’s for being annoying, it was literally the show’s dramatization of how Moxxie was desperate for some sort of attention. Literally blame the writer’s version of “humor”. Does that make it right? No, but he wasn’t being a bitchy whiny mean girl just for the hell of it. Is it because of how he “treated Millie”?

Oh my goodness. The healthiest couple in the show, even above Fizz and Ozzie, had one minuscule problem they resolved in the *same episode, which most couples in the series don’t even accomplish.* No couple is perfect, you certainly won’t be perfect in a relationship. Moxxie, despite everything that episode, learned his lesson and let Millie have her moment too. And it’s like people ignore that and paint him as selfish; he was never selfish, he just never got recognition from anyone except Millie. He’s literally love starved. It’s like begging for food on the street because you’re starving. That’s not being selfish. You could work for food, just like Moxxie can work on his self esteem, but the issue still stands.

Anything people can “hate” Moxxie here for, literally any other major character they love has done equally annoying or worse things. From the arguments I’ve seen, Everyone who hates Moxxie (and not the writing) *specifically* for this episode strikes me as people who get annoyed by feminine ‘weak’ men or people looking for any excuse not to like Moxxie for whatever reason (Which is valid, like or dislike whoever you want, but can the reasoning actually make sense?).

I guess this is less so a hot take, and moreso me wanting to discuss/ask the fandom about this, it may just happen to be a hot take due to how often I see people say it.

Unhappy Campers, undoubtedly, harshly stained Moxxie’s character for a lot of people. And honestly, I just don’t get..why. Like, I agree the episode did him cringe, but I watched it again recently and it wasn’t even as bad as people make it seem. Moxxie and Millie literally had one problem out of a million. And it wasn’t out of thin air, they both know Moxxie is insecure as Hell. It’s his primary flaw; just like Millie is way too impulsive at times (possibly being the one member to possibly cause a conflict if the company stopped killing humans). They are two ends of the extreme, and they help eachother through it and love eachother for that.

How the episode displayed the conflict? It was annoying for two reasons for me. One, the same reason it annoyed everyone else, it was purposefully done to show Moxxie being obnoxious. But two, it was just..needlessly awful to Moxxie throughout the episode. Finally giving him a chance for him to feel validated by running a mission, only for Millie to immediately find the target and make a good plan, then for everyone at camp to treat him like an insect, then what he finally did this all for, killing a target, Millie takes that away without even being there. This episode was just Moxxie torture porn- especially the fact that viewers themselves are acting like he’s the spawn of Satan for it and hating him. Even the song lyrics got in on bullying Moxxie.

I would push that aside as just being “The point of the episode”..but people are legit hating Moxxie for it? If it’s for being annoying, it was literally the show’s dramatization of how Moxxie was desperate for some sort of attention. Literally blame the writer’s version of “humor”. Does that make it right? No, but he wasn’t being a bitchy whiny mean girl just for the hell of it. Is it because of how he “treated Millie”?

Oh my goodness. The healthiest couple in the show, even above Fizz and Ozzie, had one minuscule problem they resolved in the *same episode, which most couples in the series don’t even accomplish.* No couple is perfect, you certainly won’t be perfect in a relationship. Moxxie, despite everything that episode, learned his lesson and let Millie have her moment too. And it’s like people ignore that and paint him as selfish; he was never selfish, he just never got recognition from anyone except Millie. He’s literally love starved. It’s like begging for food on the street because you’re starving. That’s not being selfish. You could work for food, just like Moxxie can work on his self esteem, but the issue still stands.

Anything people can “hate” Moxxie here for, literally any other major character they love has done equally annoying or worse things. From the arguments I’ve seen, Everyone who hates Moxxie (and not the writing) *specifically* for this episode strikes me as people who get annoyed by feminine ‘weak’ men or people looking for any excuse not to like Moxxie for whatever reason (Which is valid, like or dislike whoever you want, but can the reasoning actually make sense?).

Hello everyone! I hope you saw my recent post, where Jesse starts his journey of absolutely screwing over the world of Minecraft. He went from jerk, to borderline insane a few times, but it’s okay.

If you haven’t seen the recent post, here’s a recap of everyone/everything relevant!

-Jesse was, like I said, a jerk. Even to Reuben! Always rude or snarky, and when he couldn’t be, he was silent and awkward. He woke up and chose violence whenever possible. Nothing much bad happened to them in particular, besides being hit by stuff a bunch. He also got Redstonia destroyed, and Ellegard killed. He also ensured that Aiden and Cassie will hate him for good and won’t redeem themselves. He basically left everywhere he went, ruined in some way. Oh, and Jesse let DanTDM die. Absolutely unforgivable.

-Petra got eaten by a witherstorm, suffered Amnesia, got in a hated argument with Jesse, got chipped, stayed chipped because Jesse saved Lukas over her, and she died early in episode 8 because Jesse saved Ivor over her, who she doesn’t exactly like much. So yeah, her and Jesse shouldnt really be on the best of terms, especially since Jesse was rude at every turn.

-Lukas should straight up be traumatized, and also dislike Jesse. He got abandoned to a witherstorm, starved, put out in the cold, antagonized by Jesse and Axel to the point he glared at Jesse and walked away, was arrested, thrown off a cliff, accused of murder, chipped, and then killed (respawned like Petra) and lost his one treasure he used to document everything.

-Ivor got off a bit easy all things considered, besides the usual rude choices and punching him. Oh yeah, we destroyed his house, and didn’t support him and Harper (who we screwed over by letting her town hate her)

-Axel and Olivia? I said everyone relevant.

And that’s the recap for Season 1! Jesse is still somehow a legendary hero mayor of Beacontown after this, so let’s see how they can not only screw over themselves and their friends, but everyone else as well!

SEASON 2:

-Ah, Jesse, the mayor of Beacontown. With everything Jesse has done in Season 1, he’s pretty much a corrupt politician pretending to be a hero. Do you realize how many shady deals he’s/she’s made, and will continue to?

-Be silent when Lukas shows off his journal (Poor guy had to get another after Slab straight up robbed his ass)

-In town, with Stampy and Stacy choosing Pumpkin Pie or Cake..be silent. It’ll make Radar suggest cookies, which will make them both glare at him. Sorry, Radar.

-In the mines down with Petra..run into everything you can, and fail every QTE except stealing that dude’s cake. It’s not like Jesse has unlimited access to that sort of thing, why would a starving hardworking miner need a cake? Let him slave away at the mines and STARVE! Sorry about that.

-Petra will want you to retrieve her sword for her, because apparently that’s the least we can do after handing her trauma for nightly supper last season. Fine, but Jesse will do it by committing a literal crime, storming the place and attacking guards, for a sword that was ‘legally’ (but shadily) lost. It’s like committing a casino heist, because that casino screwed you over during a game of blackjack. Plus, it results in an argument with Petra, who is just really bitter after last season.

-The puppies shall be exempt from all punishment

-Induce Stella’s whole ‘rivals’ thing since it’s funny. Plus, since Jesse will be screwing over Stella this route, Jesse won’t just be joking around. Don’t mess with Jesse.

-Radar won’t be trusted to run the town. Listen, after that last fiasco where he Beacontown’s Goonfest on the same day as Jesse’s birthday, Jesse will never trust him again. Why they don’t speak of this ingame? Jesse likes to cover up that incident.

-Don’t tell Petra to be herself with Jack. Jack will think Petra is weird. Honestly Jack may spend this entire game disliking Jesse’s group for a bit due to our choices.

-Warrior Tower or Builder Wall? Either I suppose. Builder Wall, maybe. At least the Warrior Tower kills a bunch of statues and fires arrows at the Admin, while the Builder Wall..stops them? Just like the Warrior Tower can. Plus, the Admin can literally just step on it as a colossus. Jesse didnt do shit when using it to ‘protect’ people in Episode 2. I guess it could be used as cover though? JUST LIKE THE WARRIOR WALL!

-Here comes the big choice of saving Jack, vs Helping Petra. I don’t understand the shock people have here when something happens to Jack; it literally says HELP Petra vs SAVE Jack, deliberately different words. Anyways, we’re helping Petra for once in our lives, since an eye is a more of a loss than a sword, bad eye or not. I would stop someone from a stab to the leg, than save a materialistic sword. And damn, that must hurt for Jack. And while it’ll make Petra like us for a bit, we’ll be doing other things to cause harm.

Plus, Petra has another chance to lose her beloved sword later!

-I believe that’s the last jerkwad thing you can do in Episode 1. But this is only the beginning, and we already scarred a man for life physically!

EPISODE 2

-Oh no, a colossus is destroying our neglected town! Sacrifice the women and children first!

-You can’t do that? Damn, Jesse isnt in their villain arc yet. Oh well, we can be slightly evil and be silent when Petra needs motivation, in that scene where you can say something like “Adventuring is your thing!”. We won’t be doing that here.

-Leave Stella in the ice prison! Serves her right! Ha! Enjoy hypothermia! Point 1 to me, rival! She hates us for this.

-Send up Petra! Let her have her moment! Is Jesse trying to redeem himself? …Oh, I just got Petra kidnapped. Again.

-But before the kidnapping happens, draw your sword on the admin when he reveals himself! He’ll snap your precious diamond sword out of existence, and Ms. Butters, which a whole eye was lost for! That’s gotta hurt for Petra *and* Jack, just because Jesse thought they could swing a sword on a godlike being. They of course, won’t learn from doing this earlier in the episode.

-The Admin sees everything terrible Jesse has done, using his admin power. He sees Jesse as a blot on this beautiful world, and calls the C.I.A to arrest Jesse. Jesse cops a plea deal and rats out his friends, so they got thrown in jail too.

EPISODE 3

-*Law and Order Theme music*

-Jesse got Petra kidnapped and is in jail for life, despite copping a plea deal. I believe if they hadn’t done so though, they would’ve been executed, with death by Llama spit.

-While going corrupt within 5 seconds of stepping foot in jail is tempting, Jesse will be a good person! …It totally wasn’t their genius plan to bully Radar, letting the Warden torture him, break his glasses, and giving him a black eye, with the glasses having tape for the rest of the game. Uh, sorry Radar. A black eye makes you tougher.

-Prison Jesse has shanked 3 people off screen! They didn’t even have a reason! Theyre out of control! Let’s hurry up with this list.

-Jesse is traumatized after collecting mushrooms and drugging Radar. His revenge, will be shearing the big red guy’s mooshroom. Given how he genuinely bawls as if we killed the thing, I think Jesse did a truly awful thing in his eyes, and he’ll never look at that cow the same way again.

-Don’t let Stella join you. I *think* if you keep antagonizing her before this, you don’t even get the chance, she just hates you. So solidify her dislike of Jesse!

-Since Petra was kidnapped, she’ll appear now as the admin’s champion, forced to fight Jesse. Such a sad, hard moment…Until Jesse doesn’t hesitate to slash Petra a couple of times. Ouch. She’ll remember that for sure. listen, Jesse totally was forced to by the admin, they didn’t want to run at Petra and swing at her repeatedly, totally not!

-Leave Nurm, or leave Lluna..This is surprisingly difficult. On one hand, Lluna is the officially good choice, since it allows her to be Jesse’s pet if you want, Stella appreciates it, and you get secret armor the next episode. Nurm isnt bad either, especially if you don’t want Jack mad at you, but it doesn’t feel as ‘favored’ as the Llluna outcome. Plus, he literally wants to be left there. So we’ll be going against his wishes, and walking him out of there with a smile on our face, leaving the Llama to Llava.

Then again, it’s really tempting to steal Lluna from Stella and leave her with nothing. Depends on your priorities.

-Theres a few QTES you can fail escaping the jail, making things funny. But don’t fail the combo QTE with Radar. If you do fail, you get a ‘better’ moment of him having a time to shine, goofily swinging his sword to kill mobs. And Radar doesn’t get his good moments here.

-Ditch Xara! What do you mean, it’s not a good idea to piss off a crazy ex admin woman, who can easily escape a straight jacket?

And that’s the end of Episode 3. The psychopath Jesse has escaped prison, made countless enemies, and is on the loose.

EPISODE 4

-The people with the weird animal hats will demand our swords, or our lives. They’ll present a suitcase with our swords, saying “Deal or no deal” (Totally how this scene goes). Choose the dialogue choice “NO DEAL”, Of course!

Oh…Jack fell..Oh….Well Jack’s probably dead. He falls.

if we left Nurm, we don’t have to worry about that loose end at least.

-Fail the trivia contest with Fred’s people and just overall be very rude. You won’t get any pajamas, and they’ll dislike you!

-Be silent during the conversation with Petra. A deep, emotional moment of venting, where she looks to you…and Jesse gives her a concerned look. Poor Petra. She is going *through it* in this playthrough.

-Giving Xara her bed? Well, this is a hard choice…Not really. Give her the bed, shockingly enough. It may be the nice thing to do..Let’s talk about the future consequences.

You can’t convince me that when the Admin blows up Stella’s city, nobody was hurt. They in no way got any warning to evacuate, and it was instant. Those townspeople and baby wolves are dead. Compared to what, Xara being choked to death? It’s brutal, but that’s one life who lived a long immortal life (or used to be immortal), vs a whole town. Lives aside, all that destruction, all those homes destroyed, means countless lives are ruined regardless (Though I suppose it’s easy to rehome yourself in this world)

Did it ever get confirmed if citizens were in Champion City were evacuated? Like, officially?

-Jack will then save your life. I mean, did we ever

-Bring Radar, or Save Fred’s people? Let’s see..Radar really wants his moment…That enderman has no reason not to kill those people like it possibly kills Jesse if you fail QTE’s..It seems to like Radar…A plan is forming in my mind!

Abandon those people to either die, or be trapped underground for the rest of their lives, and leave Radar with endless guilt for the rest of his life! What, you thought I was saving them? Deliberately abandoning multiple people to a giant Enderman, to selfishly save one friend, is like, the worst thing we can do! Plus, you can have them be silent beforehand, not even arguing “We won’t leave you!”, so theres less emphasis on the friend part.

And that’s the end of Episode 4! Listen, arguably, Jesse’s decisions here can be justified individually. But together? I think Jesse is sick of this, and legit having their villain arc. They’re sick of the Admins, their locations, everything.

But time for the grand finale..Episode 5!

EPISODE 5

-Jesse is currently sneaking into their own city. This is when we’ll see the consequence of giving Xara her bed. She’ll decide to take a cozy nap in the Underground, while the Admin commits terrorism and mass murder on Champion City. Stella will lose everything, just like that. Karma for loving the Admin so much in this route!

When Nell asks whether to revert the statue or to keep the admin’s build..Revert the statue! Pointlessly endanger Nell! After letting her fall into scalding lava last season, we’re really not doing her any favors in this route. Plus, the Admin’s build may be better than the singular block or the penis we built earlier, but we’ll never admit it.

-Have Lukas and the Ocelots charge at the admin! I mean..after seeing him blow up an entire city, repeatedly destroy our weapons effortlessly, and literally everything else, this is the dumbest choice we can make. A bunch of geeks armed with leather jackets and iron swords, vs a god? They deserved to be thrown at the floor/walls and teleported. Poor Lukas even gets thrown around and hurt multiple times just for fun. Again, he’s probably traumatized.

-Beat the Admin in the finale of course (and leave Jesse at 1 heart, to make it like theyre on their last leg). Now, Jesse has a moment to earn both themselves, and the Admin, redemption by saving his life (ignoring he’s screwed because Radar won’t be bringing the giant Enderman).

But..nah! Just cruelly leave him to die. It’s in universe treated as evil or morally grey, but..it’s really not. It’s like executing the Top 3 worst people on our planet combined into one. The Admin arguably deserved worse than the Death Penalty for his crimes.

However, Jesse doesn’t care for justice, they care for blood. They’ll be leaving the Admin, witnessed by Petra and Jack. And so, they barely make it home by the skin of their teeth. I think Romeo sacrifices himself anyways, probably making him somewhat better than this Jesse, somehow.

And that’s the end of the Admins. Well, besides Xara, but yeah.

-Now..Staying in Beacontown, or Hitting the road? That’s a genuinely hard choice..

But..considering everything we’ve done, I say we hit the road. We abandon everyone, our city currently in repair (which, long story short, was caused by Jesse leading the Admin back in the first place. Damn, they have a bad track record with this), our responsibilities, and hit the road with the one person who hates our guts and is full of trauma after everything we’ve done to her! This will end totally well.

…It won’t. After this, Either Petra will kill Jesse in their sleep, or Jesse’s going to abandon Petra for the millionth time in the middle of a creeper horde. It’s fun leaving things in the air!

And that’s the end of this very hilarious tragicomedy, of Jesse being the worst person in Minecraft Story Mode! If you stay consistent, they are pretty morally awful. You can’t even argue they do this stuff for their friends, as they’ve screwed over their friends too.

In this route, Jesse’s goals are beyond your understanding. For all you know, this Admin chaos was ruining their vacation weekend, and that’s why they stepped up as the ‘hero’!

Ahem. Anyways, let’s sum up all the destruction and chaos, and how everyone was left by the end of the game!

-Jesse, as you know, got off with little to no karma. This is after ending Redstonia, Fred’s People, and Champion City due to our choices. They also took the armor of and caused the death of a great inventor, repeatedly tried to kill Aiden, left Cassie (and possibly her cat) to rot with Endermites, left two of the Old Builders to rot and die with baby zombies, saved a sword over an eye, abandoned Stella in ice and in prison, abandoned a whole gathering of people to die, indirectly caused their rival city’s termination, and left a weakened man in a crumbling tower. After these crimes, they ran off to escape the FBI before they could be caught.

-Petra has absolutely went through it. Was eaten by a monster and suffered amnesia right from the start, antagonized relentlessly, left to have her mind stolen, and left to die in a twisted game and enslaved in mines, continued to be antagonized, lost her precious sword because of Jesse wanting to attack a god (after feeling guilty for causing a man to lose his eye for this same sword), kidnapped and made a ‘champion’, purposefully hit by Jesse with a sword, was left hanging when she confided in Jesse, and is now stuck adventuring with the one person who let all of this happen to her.

-Lukas was already covered earlier on since he doesn’t do as much in this game, but I’m guessing he’s probably relieved. Afterall, the one time he tried to help, Jesse made him get ragdolled across a room. And now he’s left to look after a town with Radar.

-Radar’s self esteem should be in the toilet. We didn’t trust him not once, let a man give him a black eye and break his glasses, didnt encourage him, forced him to skip his time to shine and abandon a town to die, and we once again didnt trust him to run a town, so he’s kind of just there while Jesse is out adventuring. Radar needs justice.

-We made Jack lose an eye, refused letting him be champion, probably abandoned his buddy to prison, we chose a sword over his life and made him fall 100 ft, and then abandoned him back at town. He probably won’t be adventuring anytime soon after this.

-Ivor was kind of chilling throughout the whole thing. He’s a bit traumatized from learning Jesse wears blue underwear, though.

-Stella? Well, we took our rivalry from petty to serious. I left her imprisoned, refused to let her join or to look after Lluna, and possibly abandoned her Llama in jail. She then lost her entire living, with her city and its citizens being destroyed at the snap of a finger, by the one being Jesse chased her to. Depending on our choices, we probably stole her Llama too. Stella is fucked.

-Lluna is completely debatable here. Either she abandoned Stella and ran away with Jesse and Petra (which I think is the best way things can go, at least if you don’t cause Stella’s town to be nuked too), or spat on Jesse and went on to be homeless with Stella. I’m unsure which is better for this.

-Axel and Olivia missed everything. Which is usual for them.

-The old Order Of The Stone is probably in shambles. At least Magnus and Ellegard arent arguing anymore.

-The Old Builders? Well, Hadrian and Mevia are fucked, in a world of baby zombies and no food. Harper is currently trying to pick up the pieces of a town that hates her. If you think Cassie is an old builder, then she’s screwed over too. Otto is really the only one who got off easy, and he probably doesn’t have any games to run after Jesse suggested they end them.

-The New Order Of The Stone is full of teammates who are terrible at working together, and have more controversy than the original. We have Jesse the Fake Hero, Petra the Traumatized, Lukas the Punching Bag, Ivor the literal villain, and Axel and Olivia the irrelevant.

And that’s the worst you can do, for such a ‘stereotypically happy’ game! Now everyone is in shambles, and negatively and permanently impacted in one way or the other! We have officially given Jesse their arc, of Jerk to Asshole To Vigilante To Antihero To Villain! Probably scratch the vigilante part, honestly!

Is there anything I missed? Any thoughts on this chaotic journey? Let me know in the comments!

Hello everyone! Long post ahead. If you’re in the other Telltale subs you may have seen my posts once or twice, I tend to do the Absolute Worst or Absolute Best (as of no recent, worst) way to play these games. For example, recently I made Batman fail as a hero, become a straight up villain, and everyone he knows along with half the town is either dead, crippled, or lost their job because of him.

Yeah, he isnt doing well right now.

But for now, let’s focus on this game, and Jesse! While the game is lighthearted and Jesse is an overall hero…you can genuinely screw them and their friends over if you try hard enough, between the two games. Here’s how to be as incompetent, hated, outright awful hero of Beacontown, and leave the world of Minecraft as damaged as you possibly can! I’ll go through each episode of Season 1, and in my next post I’ll do Season 2!

EPISODE 1

-Let’s lay out basic rules here. Jesse by default, is seen as an altruistic hero. *We don’t do that here.* Every chance they’ll get (Male or female, so I’ll probably accidentally refer to them as male by habit, or randomly alternate pronouns) they’ll be a rude jackass, fail (unless it results in Game Over), and be an overall awful person and friend. We’ll cover the notable moments, but that should still be stated from the beginning.

-In response to Olivia’s game, tell her “Chicken sized zombies”…you’ll see why later.

-Sound as goofy and incompetent as possible to everyone. I forgot specific things, but for example, have the goofiest team name.

-Build anything for the contest. The choice to make here, is to have Axel and Olivia join you looking for Reuben after Aiden makes him run off into the woods. They will start their journey of absolute uselessness here by accomplishing nothing, while your hard worked build goes up in flames. Like, I would think bringing them is the good choice, but them doing nothing but yelling Reuben then returning home (for real, what if Reuben died) tells me otherwise. This gives that jerk Aiden a win sadly, but at least Lucas gets a win.

-Have Reuben stay with you when you find him, instead of running home. Poor thing gets a black eye for a couple of episodes.

-Whenever Jesse is fighting mobs, have them get hit until they’re at one heart. I don’t think it does anything, but it’s funny to imagine them on their last leg all the time. And they logically shouldnt be regenerating either, in scenes where they haven’t ate for a while.

-Later, the butcher will be threatening Reuben. I honestly think the bad choice is to give your Stone Sword in exchange, and the best one is to threaten the man. If you give the stone sword you get a golden sword from Petra later, but you never enchant it, so it’s worse than stone. But you can also..do nothing. Reuben will maul the butcher, and you keep the sword unfortunately, so I guess do whatever is worse; Betray Reuben again but keep the sword, or give the sword away.

-I don’t think much happens later until Ivor’s basement. Fail as much as possible. I think Jesse can suffer a few concussions, getting hit by an Iron Golem a few times. Somehow Jesse survives this!

-The group will remember they ditched Lucas with that Iron Golem. Jesse will advocate that they continue to ditch Lucas. Lucas gets ditched.

-Theres not much bad things you can do from here I suppose. Perhaps not responding when Gabriel asks for help? Jesse isnt trying to be a hero here.

-Now, saving Gabriel or Petra…that is a really hard choice. Both are viable for a good or bad route. Saving Petra would be the ‘good’ thing because she’s your friend and all that, you get more scenes with her, that sort of thing, but if you save Gabriel then Petra appears with everyone else in the final battle and helps build against the Witherstorm, truly earning her position in the Order (Though arguably she does either way since she goes through the entire journey if saved). Plus it’s perfect if Lucas joins you, since it’s like the entire Order is there. But this is all artificial, compared to the friendship aspect.

For a bad route though? Maybe ditching Petra to get eaten. Being devoured by a Witherstorm then losing your memory for a while cannot be a pleasant experience, and she sticks with Jesse longer, having that trauma.

-Don’t give Lucas that cookie. No, make him sleep outside. Screw Lucas! (Not really, but in this route the poor boy will be going through it)

-Punch Ivor. To be fair, I’d do the same.

-And that’s it for Episode 1! The damage is small so far, but bear with me!

EPISODE 2

-I don’t think much big choices can happen here, besides more of Jesse being a rude jerk. The biggest alterations is if you go to Boomtown or Redstonia.

-And I say..Redstonia. May be a surprising choice as Boomtown is more chaotic, but think about this; the Witherstorm is following you due to the Amulet. It only goes wherever you go. So by Jesse going to Redstonia, they are literally responsible for a city full of inventions, creations, and brilliant minds being destroyed and eaten. At least with Boomtown it literally thrives off of being destroyed; and with people being eaten, theyre probably saved from being blown up by themselves. If eaten, they could probably just be found after the Witherstorm is killed, like the people in Episode 3, and Gabriel\Petra.

-And..yeah, that’s pretty much it in terms of big story changing factors, surprisingly. I mean, in the Ivor fight, you can have him kick Jesse’s ass by failing every QTE! And have Gabriel get a splash potion to the face.

EPISODE 3

-Jesse can especially be a jerk in this episode. Be rude to Lucas, get upset whenever he tries to be leader, and just overall be nasty and defensive to everyone. In the intro, save the Amulet instead of Axel and Reuben. (Lucas will try and fail)

-Fail every QTE in the intro, to look ridiculous in front of your friends!

-Sadly, don’t high five Reuben. Shockingly, A lot of people don’t do this.

-Now, Magnus or Ellegard’s armor…that’s a hard choice. …No, not really. A destructive bombmaster vs a genius mind..For a bad route, rest in peace Ellegard. Take her armor. She may be an Order fraud, but she still followed through on actually being a redstone legend. And now her and her town, are both gone in this playthrough. Magnus may be funner, and still a ‘good’ person, but not exactly good if you know what I mean. He does run a literal deathtown and tried to literally kill Jesse if you go after him instead, even if for show.

-Be silent during Ellegard’s death. She speaks so much emotional words, Jesse just can’t say anything.

-Jesse can straight up just run past everyone stuck in the witherstorm’s corpse. I mean, Jesse was silent and never did promise saving them, to the dying Magnus/Ellegard..

I’m pretty sure this logically guarantees they don’t escape/get eaten again when the Witherstorm reforms.

-And that’s the end of episode 3, where you’ll meet amnesia Petra! Don’t worry girl..that isnt the end of your suffering.

EPISODE 4

-Leave on bad terms with Lukas. I don’t know what I did wrong! I only left him to die by an iron golem, starved him, made him sleep in the cold, antagonized him, demean him so I can be leader, and say he was selfish to look for his friends!

What right does he have, to storm away!?

-Well, Lukas is gone.

-Your friends are so hungry..I suppose you should collect some food for them. Don’t pick up any carrots (Or whatever food you can find any floor), and better yet, sneak into the hut for the cake..only to get distracted by the chest and cauldron, making the witch catch you and chase you out of there. Also, Ivor ditches you. He did warn you about the witch.

-Which weapon do you craft, when you have a chance to make one with endless power? …An infinite hoe! Save the world with a hoe! Arguably the most useless thing to make, since there would be no logical difference between that and a diamond hoe enchanted with maximum efficiency and unbreaking. The other tools would uniquely be the best of their kind, incomparable. I guess Jesse likes farming? It’s more unique than a sword at least.

-As for the armor..any you wish! It can go either way. Though I suppose maybe keeping Ellegard’s armor? Miss out on a chance for sleek, special armor against a powerful foe, and likely damage the sword even more in the process.

-And so we get to the finale battle. and to Reuben’s untimely death. I don’t think there’s much unique things you can do here, except..well…be as silent as possible while Reuben is dying, just like with Ellegard. Poor Reuben got burned, got a black eye, nearly left to a butcher, and was insulted/neglected by Jesse at random points, just for Jesse to not have any last words. Even I think that’s cruel, Jesse.

-Now, whether or not you have Gabriel tell the truth about the Order or not is up to you and how you view things. Telling the truth means people feel lied to, lose their faith in the legends, and probably sparks a bit of doubt in the new Order, because who’s to say the same lies didnt happen again, in their eyes? But it’s the right moral thing to do, and if you don’t tell everyone, they presumably remain in blissful unawareness. A secret buried forever. On the bright side, you stick it to Ivor since he literally killed people for all of this.

So I suppose what is the ‘bad thing’, is up to you!

-And that’s it for Episode 4! You will have the new order; Jesse The Asshole, Axel The Boomtown Assistant (Since Magnus is alive), Olivia who’s going to be the leader of…a destroyed redstone city. With no help from Ellegard, who’s dead. And Petra, the fresh amnesiac who contributed nothing but getting herself eaten, and building a structure she wasn’t even needed for.

Lucas shouldnt even be an honorary Order member, since from I remember if he leaves on bad terms, he doesn’t even come back with Aiden and the others. And he literally stormed away from the stage later. Oh well, he’ll get over it.

EPISODE 5

-Destroy Ivor’s lava house! Honestly I usually let him keep it, since Free Building Rights(tm), and it honestly shouldnt be a hazard unless an idiot tripped and fell in there. Plus, Axel and Olivia barricade it a bit to make it safe if you keep it anyways.

But because we don’t allow free building rights, destroy that house!

-When getting the Flint and Steel and the zombies come, do your own idea. Not really a bad thing, but it means no brownie points with Axel, Olivia, or Petra!

-Later on, fail a bunch of non-lethal QTE’s and make Jesse look doofy. Also, threaten Aiden with your sword when he confronts your group! Jesse isnt just making a statement, in this route they’re ready to kill.

-Overall be a rude and non-law-abiding menace in Sky City.

-Get yourself arrested in Sky City trying to help Ivor. I see literally no benefit to this as it makes the town and Isa distrust you more (especially if you don’t even try to convince her properly later), and you miss out on a chance to create life later by building an Iron Golem with Milo (unless the build club thing happens anyway? I don’t remember) which probably saves people when Aiden destroys the town.

Also, Jesse needs to go to jail for once for their atrocities.

-Try to keep the Eversource for yourself. You can’t even argue Jesse wants it for the good of his own town. In this route theyre just outright selfish.

-Aiden will confront everyone later, and you have to help Lukas or the Founder. And honestly, I legitimately think it’s best to help Lukas. You get to punch Aiden, knock out his tooth (which is visible for the rest of the episode), and prevent Lukas from being thrown off the edge, which is cool.

..We won’t be doing that here, though. Lukas is getting thrown off the cliff. Like I said, he suffers this route.

-Keep antagonizing and blaming the Founder

-After they make their way back up, Jesse will encounter Ivor, who offers potions. Unless I’m mistaken, anything works, but the leaping potion makes you skip over everything, and probably punching Gill or Maya if you want. The potion you choose here won’t be available in Episode 7, if that matters to you (And if you save Ivor in episode 8, he’ll try to use the last available potion, which is hilarious when he tries to use a potion of leaping as if that’d do much in that scenario)

-Finally, you get to fight Aiden. After you’re done kicking his ass…walk away. He gets pissed youre literally leaving him to die, tries to attack Jesse, and either Jesse or Reginald (if you fail) punches Aiden into the waterfall anyways. Much more satisfying than just pushing him in the water from the start. Pretty much eliminates his possible redemption, too.

-Leave Isa in charge of rebuilding, back on the ground. Between that and antagonizing her constantly, I’m sure she learns nothing, and that leaves the fun chance of Milo probably starting a rebellion against her strict ways. Those citizens shall never know anything except dictatorship!

-And that’s the end of Episode 5. With Jesse being selfish with the Eversource, getting jailed, and being dismissive of Aiden’s fate, Jesse is starting their anti-hero arc. Unless they’re a full blown villain already, who knows.

EPISODE 6

-Ah, the murder mystery episode..I wonder how we could possibly screw this up!

-Of course in the intro, fail every possible QTE, make Jesse look doofy while fleeing from a literal zombie apocalypse.

-Don’t show Captainsparklez the Flint and Steel. The dude’s gonna die, the least we could’ve done was let him see a cool item for the first time. But nope!

-Accuse Stampy, so Dan dies. This one is probably subjective, so I’ll make this argument for a couple of reasons. Dan literally had his Flint and steel stolen by Stampy in the first place. Then for him to get murdered for it? Talk about harsh. And Stampy never gets to tell Dan the truth. Imagine that guilt. And if we apply the youtuber’s series into their Minecraft lives, Dan just left Dr. Trayaurus and Grim by themselves (Unsure about Lizzie’s Minecraft life though)

-Don’t try to help Dan, and chase the killer. Everyone probably just wanted to be heroic when choosing this, but the game phrases the choice as if you left Dan/Lizzie to die so you can get an autograph from the White Pumpkin or something.

-Be very distrustful of Lukas, when the poor guy is framed as the White Pumpkin. Lukas may feel betrayed, but Jesse falls to peer pressure sometimes!

-Absolutely fail to convince everyone Cassie is the White Pumpkin, either by staying silent or making accusations so wrong/bizzarre it’s funny. Nobody will believe you, but Cassie outs herself anyways.

-Don’t give Cassie Winslow. I honestly think this is a good choice, since the cat doesn’t deserve to be stuck down there with her, and it seems okay with either choice. However, with Season 2 hinting Cassie returns, I don’t want to give her the mercy of having her cat. I thought she rotted in that pit of endermites, since there is literally no logical way out of there alive, unless she has a Ninja Ivor up her sleeve.

-And that’s it for episode 6! Jesse was less so the cause of everything, and moreso just the instigator that made everything worse at every turn. It was kind of funny!

EPISODE 7

-Ah yes, this episode. It can have quite a few funny horrible moments, but everything is mainly between Jesse and their friends.

-Petra will be sick and tired of her trauma. But to be fair, she only got eaten once…Jesse will refuse to hear any of her crap and refuse to apologize to her, actively making the argument worse.

-When she gets into a fight with a zombie and can’t kill it, just watch her fight it. Honestly a very jerk move. Alternatively, you can help her, fail, but then have the audacity to tell Petra “I thought you said you could handle it?” sarcastically.

-Oh no! Everyone’s being mind-slaved by PAMA! …Honestly a very, very dark episode. Imagine this happening IRL. Anyways, try to fight back against PAMA and get floored instantly, Jesse doesn’t stand a chance

-Lukas and Petra get chipped. Damn, the game hates them more than this playthrough does.

-Overall be rude to Harper and Ivor of course (I should’ve mentioned this before, but if you can’t be mean, just be silent and awkward)

-I don’t think much big things can happen, or much that can be seen as bad by choice. The next big choice is Lukas or Petra, and..

-That one is very difficult. I feel like who’s better to save, depends on your choices so far, and who you want to befriend or make things up to. But for now, we can save Lukas, since he dies next episode anyways (Totally permanently). Jesse is apparently holding so much of a grudge for Petra’s argument, that he’s willing to let her stay mind enslaved. I mean to be fair, Lukas has been chill for now.

-Jesse will then proceed to bully Lukas whenever possible

-Again, I don’t think much significant bad things can be done after this, other than being rude. Or when Petra is saved, be silent, no kind words.

-And once Jesse throws Harper under the bus and blames her with the citizens, probably screwing her chances of being leader or that town being peacefully rebuilt, that’s the end of the episode!

EPISODE 8

-Ah, the finale…Now, I don’t think you can do anything toooo drastic. But you can traumatize your friends some more, and that’s always a plus

-Look like a noob and fail enough Spleef QTE’s to live but not die

-When you and Lukas have to save Ivor or Petra…save Ivor. Like, think about this. Youre saving the old man who snuck himself into your group, after causing half the world to be destroyed, and likely deaths besides just the eating, like people being hit by tentacles or from the destroyed environment. Magnus/Ellegard and Reuben, along with Jesse’s failed QTE deaths, are proof of this. But yeah, let’s save that guy, and not your longer-known friend. R.I.P Petra. Guess Jesse wasn’t over that grudge. Oh, and Lukas died too.

-Be silent whenever you have the chance to be upset about your friends. Jesse doesn’t really care about that.

-Be a jerk in town, as much as possible. Don’t help anyone youre not required to!

-When the race gets here, trusting Em or not is your choice. Either Jesse gets karma and gets betrayed, or you solidify Em disliking you even more (You can antagonize her a bunch besides this anyways). I say..trust Em. Jesse tries to be nice for once, gets fucked over, and you cause Em to slash a bunch of other players, screwing them over too!

-During the race, I think you can try to avoid the other racers, and not eliminate/hit them. We won’t be doing that. Kill as much as possible! It’s uh…Just a game afterall. Someone get Jesse’s mental health in check.

-When the pink haired gladiator kills Ivor and Jesse gets mad, slash Slab. Doesn’t affect much, but I like to imagine it makes them hate eachother more if you don’t befriend Slab later.

-Which we won’t. Be rude to him, antagonize him, and make him wait when the miner calls for you. I forgot if you get a dialogue choice with the miner, but if you do, be silent or dismissive. Shun Slab for a guy you dismissed anyways. Wow, Jesse.

-Making a deal with Hadrian or not..I think it was Jesse staying for their friends or something? Well, whether it’s more good to do that or not is subjective.

-When Jesse gives a speech to everyone, be completely silent. It’s so awkward and hilarious, but it somehow works!

-Hmm..not much else to do that’s impactful, I suppose. Get needlessly damaged more than you have to in the Hadrian and Mevia fight, as Jesse continues showing they suck at their job.

-When everything is said and done, Lukas won’t get his journal of everyone’s journey back, because we pissed off Slab. Sorry Lukas. I guess you can rewrite the whole thing?

-Whenever possible, have Jesse give Otto the worse advice on the games. Like staying silent, not telling him to keep them sane, or hell, just shut the games down. Theyre arguably still fun once everyone isnt forced to stay, but nobody gets to have fun here.

-What to do with Em? Hard to say, because she doesn’t show up after this. I would honestly say have her return home, because her friends and family must be so confused. But this is the bad route. Maybe having her to stay to help Otto with all the games? I know it’s not bad, but after having the chance to leave after being a prisoner, and there’s a possibility of going home or joining Jesse, staying in the games seems like the worst one.

-Remember how I said to tell Olivia, you prefer chicken sized zombies? Well, Hadrian and Mevia will get trapped in a world full of them because of this. And logistically, a world of zombie sized chickens is endless food. A world of chicken sized zombies is eventual death. Hadrian and Mevia are dead.

And boom! Sorry for the long post everyone, but I hope it was entertaining! Jesse was a thorough jerk, and made a combination of choices so bad, they are factually an awful friend and an awful hero. They left the world in an awful state too, Lukas is traumatized, Petra is ultra traumatized, Redstonia is done for, and more. I think this is honestly the worst state you can leave the world in, by the end of Season 1! But trust me..Season 2 gets so much more impactful and worse.

Which will be the post right after this one! See everyone there! Is there anything I missed for Season 1, that could leave things off the worst possible way?