u/DementedPimento

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I’ll try to keep it brief, but there’s a lot, and my ADHD might make this a hard read.

EDIT: everyone keeps talking about shower caps- my partner specifically told me i HAD TO wash my hair. I keep it tied up at work, i had it up in a fresh bun at this time, it would have been fully relegated to my pillow. Ffs, all the oils and dead skin cells would have been relegated to my side of the bed too, while we are keeping score

32(m) in a polycule with 4 people, we recently moved in together.

We all got COVID a few days ago- it’s been rough, but we have all pulled through for each other when we needed to (it was helpful that the worst of our symptoms were slightly staggered from each other). Today, I am the first to feel mostly better, so I went to work cleaning vacation homes for 10 hours (I open windows, wear gloves, wash hands, etc. nobody was checking in for a few days). I bring our 3 year old with at my partner’s request, despite how much more difficult it can make things.

3/4 through my shift, he texts asking if i can shower before going to bed since all our bedding was cleaned post-sickies. He knows I CANNOT sleep for several hours after showering at night because it wakes me up and the hair that goes down to my ass is annoying to sleep with wet, but I agreed because i like to make him happy.

I end up playing with kiddo in yard of my second clean for a while because she was so good all day, i do have some extra driving and stuff to do because of laundry bs at my first clean, upshot is i finally get home at like 8:15pm. I was out of the house from 9:30am-8:15pm. Baby is asleep in my car, so i come in, make sure the stage is set for bedtime, then bring her to bed and read her books for like 35 minutes until she’s asleep (i do this 13/14 nights, i enjoy it).

When i finally emerge, fully exhausted and ready to knock off, i see everyone is chilling on my bed. This is fine- they excitedly mention how my partner cleaned the sheets, partner tells me i need to hop in the shower, but i nervously say i am actually so tired and it’s getting late, i will just wash my hands/face/arms/pits and call it good. As i am walking to the bathroom across the hall, they all begin to protest, telling me i HAVE TO shower. I explain that i am super tired and showering will wake me up for hours, they fully ignore this and continue a united front that i simply must shower. After washing up, my partner stops me in the hall before our bedroom door and continues demanding, i get mad and say he is being totally unreasonable, there is nothing excessively dirty about my body right now and i need rest, he persists. i say you cant force me to take a shower and he says “it isn’t forcing if you just take a shower”, i say, “that’s exactly what forcing is”. He stars saying he hates me over and over (this is unfortunately common when he gets pissed so i kind of shrug it off as much as one can..)

Wall of text time.

Everyone else hears this, btw. They are totally unaffected by the dropping of “i hate you”, despite it being the first time they heard him say anything like this to me. They continue to insist that because of “the grime” from working a 12 hour shift, claiming i was “sweating all day”, i HAVE TO SHOWER. I explain that i, in fact, did not so much as break a sweat at any point today (i could explain how i achieve this, but seriously who cares), but this was once again completely ignored, FULLY UNACKNOWLEDGED THAT I SPOKE, and they continued to insist with increasing anger and incredulity. I say i took a full ass shower where i exfoliated my entire body just 48 hours ago, there is no excessive grime on me beyond what is normal for 2 days, they just continue to insist, but now my partner has gone fully into a blind rage, is calling me a (r-slur) over and over again, claiming i have ODD because i wont do what he says, saying “i cant have sex with you anymore because you are a fucking (r-slur) and it would be unethical” (solid bit)- again, the other two people in the polycule are witnessing this and say nothing. I completely sidestep the obvious insanity he is spewing, saying something like “your neurosis about the cleanliness of the bed is not my problem, you are all wrong about how dirty i am, just because all three of you agree that i should take a shower doesn’t mean you are correct to force me to”.

at this point, so many things are being said and i am losing my patience, so and i walk out of the room to get water as my partner angrily talks across the house, trying to change the topic to unrelated stuff; i try not to indulge the obvious bait to start arguing about something else, then i walk back into our room saying i am going to bed now. My partner elects to sit on the edge of the bed in my sleep spot (the bed is in a corner, he prefers to sleep on the corner side) while his other partner (32f, let’s call her cheryl) sits in the center of the bed. He smugly looks up at me (i am 5’11 and quite strong, he is Edit: 5’0, not 4’0 and not particularly muscular) and says “what if i dont let you sleep in my bed”. I say something like “i am going to sleep in my bed, you are not going to kick me out of the bed because of your neurotic obsession with cleanliness”. He refuses to move

Ffs more context… my partner had an ass surgery a few days ago- nothing serious, but his ass is fucked up. I very gently lift him off the edge of the bed and set him down a foot and a half to the right so i can at least SIT in my own fucking bed (i have lower back issues and sleeping on the wrong surface has a high likelhood of fucking me up, this is also something he knows, so demanding i sleep eslwhere over something so fucking petty is pretty cruel). This is also the part where i step my back foot on the fucking cat food bowl, lose my footing, and instinctively plummet myself into the bed instead of dropping my poor bf with the ripped ass (the force of continuing to gently set him down caused me to fall forward, idk hard to picture maybe) but he was FINE, but of course this totally unwarranted act of aggression on my part that clearly happened in a fucking vacuum meant that Cheryl was now apoplectically enraged, no longer able to form rational thoughts, and is convinced i have seriously endangered my partner (i didnt- even in my blunder i was in control of the maneuver and i counted on him being smart enough not to struggle because he would hurt himself if he tried to. Also, i would like to add it VERY felt like he was weaponizing his vulnerable state to force me out of our bed- i instantly perceived it that way when i spied how smug he was when he voiced his idea to simply force me out by sitting in my spot. I had the thought that i could quickly get around to his side of the bed, but guess what? That would have pissed him off way more because now im in his spot making it filthy with my horrid body).

Cheryl is slowly emotionally imploding because she believes she just witnessed domestic abuse (wow, suddenly other people’s welfare is important, not like i’ve been getting verbally berated for ten minutes straight or anything, nbd) my partner is continuing to say insane and cruel shit, then he grapples my hands, prompting cheryl to grab my left arm with both hands, and the other member (32f, call her tiffany) comes in, wide eyed and right in my face, desperately demanding that i admit how fucked up and gross it is that i want to sleep in my own bed after being only slightly clean (or slightly dirty, depending on who you ask i guess) while i am being actively physically held by two other people. Cheryl is bigger than me, btw. I look tiffany in her wildly darting eyes, honestly feeling a new emotion (fear? no. Betrayal), and stand on my refrain- “just because you say i need to shower right now, doesn’t mean i have to. Now you all need to let go of me”. They (almost to my surprise) let go; maybe they realized they were trying to physically fight me over something so fucking stupid that didnt actually matter in any real way- it’s not like im a fucking coal miner or just got back from the steel mill.

At this point, they finally left me the fuck alone, my partner elected to sleep on our modular couch. I have an internal problem with this. they are used by our kid to do all sorts of imagination play- obstacle courses, pirate ships, etc.- and the covers have not been laundered in a few months. They go on the floors in the living room, bedrooms, couches, all over really. If it was such a huge fucking deal that he not sleep in the bed next to me after i did a mere whore bath rather than a full shower, how is it acceptable to sleep on that? These are the fucking stakes that i was physically accosted over while sitting down criss cross applesauce in my own bed.

There are unfortunately bits and crumbs of more context i could add, but ffs it’s 2:33am. I havent been able to sleep because i realized i no longer feel emotionally safe in my home. This post is more a journal for my cooked millennial ass who prefers the medium of complaining to strangers than it is a plea for asshole based judgement, so maybe this sub isn’t what i need rn, please dont let the top comment say i am a stinky asshole who needs to shower.

Some other topics that were raised to me, again with me saying nothing nastier beyond “this is unreasonable, you are being unreasonable, this is insane, you are being neurotic” were “i have been through a lot (of trauma), so this isn’t a big deal to me, but i get why you are having a hard time (this one felt particular left field, dont know what this meant then and dont now)”, “why dont you care about anyone but yourself”, “why dont you care about how your partner feels”,
“You don’t care about (your partner’s) surgery recovery”, “how can you be this selfish”.

I am stubborn about things sometimes, i have my preferences for certain things, we disagree about things sometimes, but these accusations were entirely fucking unfounded (even the trauma one, i have my shit just like most fucked up people, but you dont see me blowing up in my loved one’s faces about it, all the time, especially when it’s this inconsequential) and to be 100% clear, they were very on topic with the shower- it was in relation to the fact that i was refusing to shower on this night where i was fucking exhausted. their incredulity about this particular injustice was as if ordained by the gods, and as much as there is that element of “surely this is about other things, too” no, it mostly wasn’t. I live with a recovering germaphobe (tiffany, who i have seen FULLY yell at her child when she gets on tiffany’s bed without permission), her partner that enabled tiffany’s germaphobia for years (cheryl) and my partner, who cannot let anything go (even worse than me), ESPECIALLY when it pertains to his bed. So yes, there is some past sensitivity about our bed, however i now make it just how he wants every morning i get up after him (with a blanket we dont use on top to protect everything), i have been cleaning my feet off for years before getting in bed, i often wipe the sheets when bits of sand find their way in there (we live by the beach, it’s inevitable sometimes), etc…. he might have some sour grapes about my inconsistent bed making in the past, my past desire to play several delightful games with our child on the bed (games which we are now banned from playing for over a year now, which brought us both immense joy and cannot be played on a little baby twin bed. What are the stakes we are talking about here again?), but ffs how is any of this a proportional response? How did neither of the other two in our supposedly loving polycule see no problem with what he was saying? How are my feelings and physical needs for my body completely fucking ignored and sidelined simply because they all agree that i should do something? The bed is fine right now, by the way- it’s all working swimmingly.

EDIT: i am sorry, i keep remembering things. Cheryl said i dont care about my partner’s surgery recovery, and cited the example of him saying “help m help me help me” while we were lying in bed and one of our cats was sauntering up his legs toward the b-hole. When cheryl opened the door, i was already sitting up, with my whole ass arm fully extended, shooing the cat away from the danger zone. Cheryl claimed i was “doing nothing”. Just a weird fucking lie.

[supprimé]

Claire Kellerman, daughter of Sally Kellerman, has barged onto this Scottish isle with a piece of shit dog who killed a cat at a cafe and ran through the kitchen. Kellerman has been banned from returning to the cafe, and she’s suing everyone on the isle. She claims to be disabled and needs the dog for … something.

I’ve linked one article going into what this entitled, horrible person has done so far.

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My son (6) lost a tooth today and was going to go spend the night with My mother (55F) tonight. While we were all swimming she shouted across the pool in front of my 10 year old son, 6 year old son, and 7 year old niece “how much do you normally give the boys for the tooth fairy?”
Luckily my 6 year old son and 7 year old niece didn’t hear because of the splashing. But my oldest heard her clear as day since he was on a swing nearby. Right after he came up to me and told me that the tooth fairy isn’t real and followed it up with “if adults can lie to us about the tooth fairy, then that means they’re lying about the other things like that too. So that means Santa isn’t either, or the Easter bunny. “

I haven’t addressed this with her yet because obviously I couldn’t talk about it in risk of the other kids around hearing us. But I’m extremely upset over it because my oldest son lost a piece of his childhood innocence today. AITAH if I ask her to cover the cost of the tooth fairy to help make up for what happened?

My folks live in a 60’s house in an older neighborhood. Some time ago they decided to befriend (i.e. “feed”) the wildlife. Started with trying to feed birds. Which became trying to satisfy the squirrels so the birds get a chance. It then “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”’d itself down to having red squirrels and chipmunks. Aww… cute… Generations later, they were causing visible gaps between the stair and the floor of the front porch. I could fit my flat hand into the holes in several places. I don’t know how long the tunneling was going on but when I first saw it, it was already a potentially HUGE problem.

I pointed it out and both of them said, “Yeah, we know. We’ve seen em go in and out.” I have very weird and fairly focused anxieties and “Patio Collapse Due to Chipmunk” doesn’t seem like a ridiculous headline to me. I asked if they’d get it fixed and I got nonchalant shrugs.
“Why?”

I brought up the upcoming fall/winter and water getting under the patio to the foundation and the damage that it could cause. The structural integrity of the patio is compromised. What if the holes become a trip hazard and one of you or both of you get really hurt? You’d never be able to cover that.

Shrugs all around.

The next year, after a couple days of nonstop rain, they returned home from wherever to find that the front porch had, indeed, collapsed in on itself. Fortunately there were no injuries - according to the door camera no one had been standing on it when the slab cracked like a shotgun blast. Cue the whole insurance mambo and inspection and rigamarole to try to get it repaired or replaced.

Cut to now, months later, and I’ve been asked to help pay for half of their deductible and the expenses insurance wouldn’t cover. They insisted on exact same as before and wouldn’t compromise on a cheaper option so insurance gave them money for the cheaper and the difference was out of pocket. To my understanding at least.

I have flat out refused.

They said I owe it to them since I didn’t warn them when I knew it could be a problem.

I said that I had warned them, they had laughed it off.

“You should have warned us more than once.”

I had. Until they told me to shut up about it.

It’s gotten to where they’re threatening small claims court. Family is divided. Some say I should know by now that it takes more than one mention to get anything done so it was my fault. Most are of the mind that I did everything but get it fixed for them and I owe nothing. I’m 99% sure that this issue would either be dismissed or go in my favor. I’m not worried about if the one percent has me pay out. I’m worried about their wellbeing. They can’t afford this if they lose.

I don’t want to go down without a fight - they’ve used my money to bail them out of financial woe more than a few times and I need to draw the line somewhere. I can’t keep saving them forever. Maybe the only way they’ll learn is to be in real difficulty. I could keep them out if this real trouble and try to stand my ground before something happens. I’m torn.

AITAH because I’m not just giving them the money this time?

Edit 1: ok, this is more attention than I expected. Thank you for pointing out what should be patently obvious for me. I replied to a few people about their disbelief about the situation. Manipulation, guilt, and anxiety for decades will alter every perception of every problem. I stress myself out about being stressed out over stupid stuff. Because “what if” is always there. I know I am in no way responsible legally. I don’t live there. I know they’d lose. Where my dilemma comes is that I can just stop this whole nonsense for now with a check. I’m not and I feel like I’m abandoning them. Hmm what else. Oh. Yes. “Cutesy writing.” I liked that one. I’m not writing a novel (sorry person who questioned my use of porch/patio descriptions) but I am also not boring.

Edit 2: hours later and I’m almost overwhelmed by the responses. I thank everyone, including the doubters and the person that said something about “AI proofing” my writing - I asked them what I do that makes this “AI proof,” as I write like this and have for decades as evidenced by several other web sites I use. I am working on getting my metaphorical shit together and I’m going to just let them do what they’ll do. Maybe they’ll give it up after they see court costs or do any research regarding the likelihood of winning.

I won’t be answering individual comments after this… there are so many and while I want to be a glib smart ass or acknowledge that I’m emotionally damaged, I just can’t handle the volume.

UPDATE: as a couple comments made me realize, this NOT actually what they’re making it out to be. This is a totally different hole they’ve dug that they are trying to hide behind the patio/porch thing. They’re using threats to get me to just pay without asking questions - probably because whatever trouble they’ve stirred up is on a “pay us or we’ll break your kneecaps” level. I don’t know. I really don’t. I also don’t care any more. This is ridiculous and I am not an AH but I must be an idiot.

Thanks all.

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So me (19F) and my bf (23M) have been dating since I was 17 and he was 21. Brief history about our relationship, when I told my friends that I was dating him, they were happy at first. I introduced them to him and vice versa, they seemed to get along. Then they soon realized that he is grooming me but I never thought about that because we were happy with each other and he seemed to love me a lot. I was told by them to break up with him and I refused (they are no longer my friends for another reason.) We have broken up before because he emotionally cheated on me, got caught and denied it. He apologized for denying it and we moved on.  

My parents, friends, etc around me tell me to break up with him bc they think he’s grooming me because of the age gap and they found out he spoils me and uses that as a way to bribe me for sex (he’s a virgin and they think he sees me as an opportunity to lose his virginity to) and also to trap me in the relationship with him. He recently got me an LV purse because I begged him for one and he said he’ll only get it for me if I promise that I’ll stay w him forever and I told him ofc I will. I didn’t mean it, I only wanted the LV bag. Like I’m so torn. I know that he loves me but part of me thinks they’re right that he may be grooming me. Another part of me wonders if that isn’t the case because he’s autistic and may not fully understand the value of money or how relationships work. I just feel so guilty that he is willing to get me anything I want. 

He also lies and blames it on his ADHD. There are countless times where he acts clueless on purpose. Sometimes I can’t tell if he’s genuinely that dumb or if he’s acting clueless on purpose. For example, I tell him that my favorite color is pink and he’ll say “I didn’t know that. I thought it was green!” Even though my entire aesthetic is literally all pink. It pisses me off how he acts dumb. It’s childish and it’s a huge turn off for me. He also has issues with grammar. He talks like a third grader and it’s embarrassing for me. Whenever we have a conversation about a certain topic, he tends to go off on something completely unrelated. I was telling him about how I wanted to boycott Sephora makeup items because they’re not eco friendly. Then he says “Buy cheaper items from Sephora next time” like he completely misses the point. I would sometimes tell him “use your brain” or “are you dumb” etc. I feel like I’m too harsh on him because he’s a little slow. Most of the time I feel guilt ridden because he’s genuinely so sweet and he spoils me and treats me better than anyone else has. 

I’m not an ableist person. I set standards for myself and I’m not wrong for doing so. I personally choose to be with someone who can think for themselves and is capable of making smart decisions. He is not smart at all. I feel like our intelligence levels are so different. Let me know your thoughts. 

Possibly clickbait title but I just went to Walmart for a money order and champagne (getting the keys to my new apt today so I had to get the rent in money order so I’ve been in suuuch a good mood until this) but before, I went to go do that I stopped by the bathroom.

I walked in, looked at the stalls to my right and they all looked occupied so I walked to the back right into the handicap. Then I heard a lady saying “handicap handicap” and I took 3 seconds to hear and then I walked out and asked “ oh do you need this” she said “yes”. I walked right out and went into another stall which I guess was open but I hadn’t realized at first when I walked in.

Started doing my business and the lady just starts going off “These entitled ass people walking into a handicap stall they’re not even handicapped. I’m 42 years old I should be young and beautiful but instead I’m handicapped and these people take my stall. I hope this eats away at your consciousness and you feel like shit. Perfect ass body walking into a handicapped stall and I JUST PISSED MYSELF. I’m 42 I should be living my life and I pissed myself cus I had to wait for the handicap stall. Now I have to take a third shower today and be so embarrassed cus I pissed myself” and the whole time I was quiet and tbh I didn’t rlly feel bad and I don’t think it was my fault she waited til the last second to go the bathroom. I swear me walking into the bathroom did not derail her for more than 7 seconds MAX.

Then I finished and went to go wash my hands. That’s when she started saying “You fucking bitch taking my damn stall “ i got mad at this point and I forgot was else she said but then I said loudly “don’t call me a fucking bitch” mind you she was in the stall still and I was washing my hands. Then she said “I’m gonna call my sister and she’s gonna beat your ass you fucking bitch you waited 5 seconds”That’s when I yelled “please do bitch!!!” and she literally just started screaming all the same things again as I walked out of the bathroom. I left and went to go buy my champagne and money order but I kept looking behind my back in case she was serious about her sister. Literally held the champagne like a weapon the whole time 😭

Now I do feel kinda bad but idk man I feel like I didn’t rlly do anything to be called a bitch like that especially cus I turned right around and gave her the stall. Literally took two steps into the stall, heard her and walked back out.
AITAH for the way I reacted and responded?
edit: forgot to say she was in one of those electronic carts so i think needed a wheelchair