u/Disastrous-Union3173

I am an adult now. (18f).

I worked with my therapist today on unpacking things and it popped up. Not super loud, but super quietly.

There’s always this lingering feeling that I’m always unsafe and I can recall some things but I’m not 100% sure if they happened. But I swear something similar must’ve happened.

Its not loud most of the time. The one time it did get loud I buried it again.

I remember most of my childhood being good with my parents but I always get these dreams (to this day) about people I trust raping me, including family and friends.

I’ve had these dreams since I was 6, not exactly the same, but people were violating me. And I was jerking off from the age of 4 to harsh things (I had no internet access)

I feel nauseous typing this and idk if I want to unpack all of this.

I remember being 6 years old, going to a friends house, and meeting this kid who was 2-3 years older than me at the time.

He made me feel unsafe every time I was around him. And I know he was just a kid too and I don’t blame him.

I can recall him backing me into a corner, putting me in a dog cage and touching my thigh while putting on a Barbie movie to distract me.

I recall him having a crush on me and the adults mentioning years later that he has trauma.

I remember a dark room very clearly when I was alone with him. (I think He tried that often) but I don’t remember anything else other than leaving and feeling like my stomach hurt.

To this day I consider myself fairly hypersexual and I guess for context I do struggle with major depression and anxiety.

The times I’ve had consensual sex with my last boyfriend, even though I was aroused, I was never able to get penetrated long or at all because it hurt really bad and my body kept rejecting the act.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have that kind of sex again it hurts me too much and is too painful.

Idk what’s going on honestly, but something must have happened and I’m scared if I remember then I ll have to live with it.

After dealing with major depression the last 4 years which resulted in several attempts, bipolar ll, a rough breakup and other changes,

I’m finally doing intensive therapy this summer.

I’m choosing for the first time spend 100% of my effort to get better.

I want to be happy and not suicidal all the time.

I’m wondering since I’ll be so busy this summer with therapy what cool things I can do to celebrate this.

I’m thinking I could dye my hair or do something else? Like a tattoo that reminded me of this time in my life and how I’m getting through it (I’m an adult)