u/Distinct-Crazy-1161

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

Hi, I only discovered I'm trans like a month ago

I've come to pretty good terms with that

But sometimes when I just look at my body, I just feel like a man, I don't have too much dysphoria, or maybe I do, I'm just too used to it, and besides there are way worse things to worry about, so I don't really give it much a thought, well anyways so yeah I just feel like a man pretending to be a girl, I don't look too feminine

I can't also start hrt for now (can't afford it +also parents won't allow it, I'm a teen)

So some nights, I can't just seem to fall asleep , I just lay in my bed and do nothing, probably think about random stuff and yeah that's all, and just like that it's the morning, but I can't seem to keep track of the time, and don't remember being awake all the whole span of night, but I also do remember being awake at different intervals of time throughout the night, so I can't tell if I did sleep or not, do I microsleep all throughout the night?? Or maybe some sort of lucid dreaming, where I'm able to freely think about random stuff

Oh right, I do remember also mostly an hour before when I usually wake up (I wake up at like 10) thinking about random stuff or dreaming , and I'm aware of it, but idk if I'm sleeping or not, but I don't really wanna wake up nonetheless cause most of the time it's interesting, and yeah idk, i dont know how to explain anymore 😭...

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

do you feel like there aren't just enough colors?

Like your brain doesn't Want any variations of those same 7 colors just mixed and matched to create all those different range of colors

​

Like you just want something that you haven't seen or probably will never see , but like I don't even know how to explain, I just wanna see a new color, that doesn't resemble to any of the color my eye has ever been, like it goes beyond it

​

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

This post contains content not supported on old Reddit. Click here to view the full post

So um I'm a teenager

​

I have a lot of problems, I have depression, headaches all over the day, struggle to do things because of executive dysfunction, body/gender dysphoria and so many other things.

I barely do anything anymore, I hate how I'm just gonna be a failure

​

I have talked all about it to my a mom so many times (I also struggle to talk about my feelings), but she just doesn't care, she doesn't get me the help I need and just except me to somehow magically be better someday and forget about all the things I told her as if they don't even matter, I feel unheard and hopeless

(my dad sucks and like so have many bad things as a person , so like talking to him about that isn't even an option, he told me to just kill myself multiple times and also says how I'm just a piece of shit and like much more, I don't wanna talk about that)

​

And then on top of that she always try to act so, oh so how she cares about me and asks every now and then, why am I the way I am, like u already know , I told you a hundred times

​

It's been atleast 2 years living like this, I don't have friends, I don't go outside, I absolutely hate myself and just feel like dying, but I really don't wanna die, because I never even got to live, and I don't wanna die already, but that seems like the only option sometimes, I just mostly spend all day on th damn phone to just just not be aware of the fact how miserable life is, I don't even like playing video games anymore, I barely do either, nothing seems fun

​

Idk, I just wonder if I'm just a fucking loser and that's all about it, probably just gonna die soon when I can't take it anymore

​

And umm yeah I don't know that's all...

Maybe after my heart stops beating for the best?