u/Distinct-Crazy-1161

Hi, I only discovered I'm trans like a month ago

I've come to pretty good terms with that

But sometimes when I just look at my body, I just feel like a man, I don't have too much dysphoria, or maybe I do, I'm just too used to it, and besides there are way worse things to worry about, so I don't really give it much a thought, well anyways so yeah I just feel like a man pretending to be a girl, I don't look too feminine

I can't also start hrt for now (can't afford it +also parents won't allow it, I'm a teen)

So some nights, I can't just seem to fall asleep , I just lay in my bed and do nothing, probably think about random stuff and yeah that's all, and just like that it's the morning, but I can't seem to keep track of the time, and don't remember being awake all the whole span of night, but I also do remember being awake at different intervals of time throughout the night, so I can't tell if I did sleep or not, do I microsleep all throughout the night?? Or maybe some sort of lucid dreaming, where I'm able to freely think about random stuff

Oh right, I do remember also mostly an hour before when I usually wake up (I wake up at like 10) thinking about random stuff or dreaming , and I'm aware of it, but idk if I'm sleeping or not, but I don't really wanna wake up nonetheless cause most of the time it's interesting, and yeah idk, i dont know how to explain anymore 😭...

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do you feel like there aren't just enough colors?

Like your brain doesn't Want any variations of those same 7 colors just mixed and matched to create all those different range of colors

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Like you just want something that you haven't seen or probably will never see , but like I don't even know how to explain, I just wanna see a new color, that doesn't resemble to any of the color my eye has ever been, like it goes beyond it

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So um I'm a teenager

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I have a lot of problems, I have depression, headaches all over the day, struggle to do things because of executive dysfunction, body/gender dysphoria and so many other things.

I barely do anything anymore, I hate how I'm just gonna be a failure

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I have talked all about it to my a mom so many times (I also struggle to talk about my feelings), but she just doesn't care, she doesn't get me the help I need and just except me to somehow magically be better someday and forget about all the things I told her as if they don't even matter, I feel unheard and hopeless

(my dad sucks and like so have many bad things as a person , so like talking to him about that isn't even an option, he told me to just kill myself multiple times and also says how I'm just a piece of shit and like much more, I don't wanna talk about that)

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And then on top of that she always try to act so, oh so how she cares about me and asks every now and then, why am I the way I am, like u already know , I told you a hundred times

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It's been atleast 2 years living like this, I don't have friends, I don't go outside, I absolutely hate myself and just feel like dying, but I really don't wanna die, because I never even got to live, and I don't wanna die already, but that seems like the only option sometimes, I just mostly spend all day on th damn phone to just just not be aware of the fact how miserable life is, I don't even like playing video games anymore, I barely do either, nothing seems fun

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Idk, I just wonder if I'm just a fucking loser and that's all about it, probably just gonna die soon when I can't take it anymore

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And umm yeah I don't know that's all...

Maybe after my heart stops beating for the best?