u/Dizzy_Relative_6323

Hello everyone. This seems like such a positive group. I’ve just come across it today.

A little about me, I’m a mom, of two boys and gorgeous cat Nina who has gained her wings and flew away, (but will always be part of our family). I’m mostly a recluse I would say, but if I take care of my mental health then I’m more outgoing. Unlike most people, I hate the summer, I’m sorry but the sweating and sunlight and humidity just makes me feel like I’m melting into the ground. I’m definitely an autumn 🍂 person. And my name’s Amber.

I’m excited to start lurking and hopefully participating in this group! I think it could scratch that itch!

2nd day into my fucking migraine. My husbands been on his phone all day, it’s an inerrant phone call he says. No it’s fucking not. And he’s so fucking loud. It’s July 4th. Told him to take the kids out. He doesn’t know where. He didn’t give them breakfast. I had to order from my friend. I finally fell asleep after eating a bit and taking all my pills, anything to help with the fucking migraine. Wake up and my kids are still in front of screens, and husband is on his fucking phone and didn’t say a word to the kids the whole time nor fed them. I’m fuming and screaming, telling the second I wake up. He’s like wtf was he supposed to feed them. I said absolutely fucking anything. Open there refrigerator. Make them fucking egg sandwiches. He asks me where’s the bread. I start yelling more and like wtf kind of question is that. And I stated how I’ve been dying all day and he still couldn’t get off his ass, spend a minute with his kids or feed them. He show me his manly aggression picks up the kids chairs and throws them, both of them trying to break them. Then he walks out the house says pleasantries to the neighbors and comes back in a slams the door to the bedroom snd stays there. I didn’t shut up, I’m fucking fed up and cursing the shit out of him, this pussy ass bitch wanna show me his fucking anger. Where’s the bread? Bitch go fuck urself

2nd day into my fucking migraine. My husbands been on his phone all day, it’s an inerrant phone call he says. No it’s fucking not. And he’s so fucking loud. It’s July 4th. Told him to take the kids out. He doesn’t know where. He didn’t give them breakfast. I had to order from my friend. I finally fell asleep after eating a bit and taking all my pills, anything to help with the fucking migraine. Wake up and my kids are still in front of screens, and husband is on his fucking phone and didn’t say a word to the kids the whole time nor fed them. I’m fuming and screaming, telling the second I wake up. He’s like wtf was he supposed to feed them. I said absolutely fucking anything. Open there refrigerator. Make them fucking egg sandwiches. He asks me where’s the bread. I start yelling more and like wtf kind of question is that. And I stated how I’ve been dying all day and he still couldn’t get off his ass, spend a minute with his kids or feed them. He show me his manly aggression picks up the kids chairs and throws them, both of them trying to break them. Then he walks out the house says pleasantries to the neighbors and comes back in a slams the door to the bedroom snd stays there. I didn’t shut up, I’m fucking fed up and cursing the shit out of him, this pussy ass bitch wanna show me his fucking anger. Where’s the bread? Bitch go fuck urself

I wrote a whole rant that was too long while trying to post on r/bipolar that I accidentally deleted. It’s ok. I let out my feelings. But I do want some replies so I’m re-writing my rant in less of a ranting way.

Also fyi: diagnosed bipolar 2, ADHD, major depressive disorder, panic/anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I think that’s it.

I saw a post on r/AIO about a girl basically getting body image issues from her mother while preparing her dress for prom. It made me reflect on everything I’ve been through.

Since I was a kid, like 7-8, the earliest I can remember actually, my body has been critiqued, judged, and commented on. My mom did it more as I grew older, in an angrier way, about me going through puberty, telling me to cover myself when I started getting boobs. (They were just little nothings at this point) I had to wear cultural clothing from out of the country and nothing ever fit right. Everything was always tight on the chest.
There was an aunty, who called me skinny, tall, boney in a joking way, since I was a kid. No one, not even me obviously, was ever ok with how my body was. Underweight to overweight, never the perfect weight or body. (Except my husband, for some reason he's always happy with my body)
While ranting I did hyper focus on one of my uncles bc this guy still does it to this day. I went over to my parents house, didn't expect him and other aunts and uncles to be there, but he mentions my weight first thing, like I didn't even take my shoes off yet, or greeted everyone yet. I just froze and met everyone on autopilot until I went to the kitchen with my siblings & started shaking and tearing up with rage. My sister told me that my reaction was very obvious & that after I froze he started saying stuff like he means it in a good way, that I lost weight, tell him my secret. Of course I didn't hear any of that, I was already gone in my head, dissociating.
This guy always does it in front of an audience. When I was 26, he tried to bite my cheek while I was going around in a circle meeting everyone & he was pulling me by my clothes, & I'm pulling away so hard he rips my clothes. Everyone heard the tear but it was like haha he's so funny.
I'm 33 now, he's got one foot in the grave & I swear I won't gaf when he dies. I'm just waiting for it. I've got a history of not being able to cope with family members passing, like idk how to grieve & get over it. I'm trying to have empathy like no, I'll feel bad, but I don't think I will.

TLDR: can all these fuckers stop talking about my body. Get a hobby hoe.

I wrote a whole rant that was too long while trying to post on r/bipolar that I accidentally deleted. It’s ok. I let out my feelings. But I do want some replies so I’m re-writing my rant in less of a ranting way.

Also fyi: diagnosed bipolar 2, ADHD, major depressive disorder, panic/anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I think that’s it.

I saw a post on r/AIO about a girl basically getting body image issues from her mother while preparing her dress for prom. It made me reflect on everything I’ve been through.

Since I was a kid, like 7-8, the earliest I can remember actually, my body has been critiqued, judged, and commented on. My mom did it more as I grew older, in an angrier way, about me going through puberty, telling me to cover myself when I started getting boobs. (They were just little nothings at this point) I had to wear cultural clothing from out of the country and nothing ever fit right. Everything was always tight on the chest.
There was an aunty, who called me skinny, tall, boney in a joking way, since I was a kid. No one, not even me obviously, was ever ok with how my body was. Underweight to overweight, never the perfect weight or body. (Except my husband, for some reason he's always happy with my body)
While ranting I did hyper focus on one of my uncles bc this guy still does it to this day. I went over to my parents house, didn't expect him and other aunts and uncles to be there, but he mentions my weight first thing, like I didn't even take my shoes off yet, or greeted everyone yet. I just froze and met everyone on autopilot until I went to the kitchen with my siblings & started shaking and tearing up with rage. My sister told me that my reaction was very obvious & that after I froze he started saying stuff like he means it in a good way, that I lost weight, tell him my secret. Of course I didn't hear any of that, I was already gone in my head, dissociating.
This guy always does it in front of an audience. When I was 26, he tried to bite my cheek while I was going around in a circle meeting everyone & he was pulling me by my clothes, & I'm pulling away so hard he rips my clothes. Everyone heard the tear but it was like haha he's so funny.
I'm 33 now, he's got one foot in the grave & I swear I won't gaf when he dies. I'm just waiting for it. I've got a history of not being able to cope with family members passing, like idk how to grieve & get over it. I'm trying to have empathy like no, I'll feel bad, but I don't think I will.

TLDR: can all these fuckers stop talking about my body. Get a hobby hoe.

I wrote a whole rant that was too long while trying to post on r/bipolar that I accidentally deleted. It’s ok. I let out my feelings. But I do want some replies so I’m re-writing my rant in less of a ranting way.

Also fyi: diagnosed bipolar 2, ADHD, major depressive disorder, panic/anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I think that’s it.

I saw a post on r/AIO about a girl basically getting body image issues from her mother while preparing her dress for prom. It made me reflect on everything I’ve been through.

Since I was a kid, like 7-8, the earliest I can remember actually, my body has been critiqued, judged, and commented on. My mom did it more as I grew older, in an angrier way, about me going through puberty, telling me to cover myself when I started getting boobs. (They were just little nothings at this point) I had to wear cultural clothing from out of the country and nothing ever fit right. Everything was always tight on the chest.
There was an aunty, who called me skinny, tall, boney in a joking way, since I was a kid. No one, not even me obviously, was ever ok with how my body was. Underweight to overweight, never the perfect weight or body. (Except my husband, for some reason he's always happy with my body)
While ranting I did hyper focus on one of my uncles bc this guy still does it to this day. I went over to my parents house, didn't expect him and other aunts and uncles to be there, but he mentions my weight first thing, like I didn't even take my shoes off yet, or greeted everyone yet. I just froze and met everyone on autopilot until I went to the kitchen with my siblings & started shaking and tearing up with rage. My sister told me that my reaction was very obvious & that after I froze he started saying stuff like he means it in a good way, that I lost weight, tell him my secret. Of course I didn't hear any of that, I was already gone in my head, dissociating.
This guy always does it in front of an audience. When I was 26, he tried to bite my cheek while I was going around in a circle meeting everyone & he was pulling me by my clothes, & I'm pulling away so hard he rips my clothes. Everyone heard the tear but it was like haha he's so funny.
I'm 33 now, he's got one foot in the grave & I swear I won't gaf when he dies. I'm just waiting for it. I've got a history of not being able to cope with family members passing, like idk how to grieve & get over it. I'm trying to have empathy like no, I'll feel bad, but I don't think I will.

TLDR: can all these fuckers stop talking about my body. Get a hobby hoe.

The second I see a pic of their rooms and living spaces I feel like shit bc I’m such a dirty slob! Like I’m really upset right now bc I just saw a post for a second and the only thing I could see was the difference in their clean and uncluttered spaces, vs mine. I make lists, I buy journals, I buy more journals, I buy organizational things, but those IKEA shelves have been sitting on top of the wardrobe for YEARS not. Because I told my husband I need to change the wallpaper where those shelves are gonna go, and my books are sitting in a pile on the floor. They’ll move to a different temporary area if I ever get up to clean where they are now. And everything in me wants to clean and is determined that this will be the day, but it comes and goes and nothing changes. I am medicated but have to be careful bc I’m also bipolar. And it’s so embarrassing bc everyone knows too. My parents, my siblings they know I will not let them in the house. My husband does as much as he can and with all the work and money we put in this house during lockdown, renovating it, he doesn’t get to enjoy it bc of me. And my kids growing up in this messy environment and also knowing that they can’t bring anyone home arghh! I hate myself for this and for ranting bc I could just get up and do something, but no I’d rather rant and continue to be a fat, gluttonous, slob ruining my family’s lives. Past three, four days I’ve started taking the my adhd medication again, even though my psychiatrist told me not to yet, but I did thinking maybe this time the magic switch will turn on and I’ll accomplish something. The only thing I accomplished was making a bigger mess bc if I have to clean, I have to clean everything, so I emptied out the kids closet and chest to organize stuff but it’s just turned into a pile of stuff I dread going near. And my kids also weren’t allowed in bc in my head the mess is in organized piles and if either kid goes in they’ll mess up what I “organized”. That was a week ago and I haven’t made any progress there since. Good thing weathers been good and they’ve been able to go out. It’s just too much stuff everywhere that I absolutely needed and couldn’t live without and still can’t get rid of bc of the hoarder mentality that I might need it. Clothes, 10 years too small, from before my kids, I’m saving for “when I lose weight”. Even if I do lose half my weight tomorrow, I am not gonna wear any of those clothes. Gosh my rant is ranting I need to stop this is ridiculous. Ending a little positive, I’d say I’m good with cleaning the bathroom. Yes there’s overconsumption there too but they have a place to go and I can scrub clean and sanitize the bathroom from start to finish for some reason.

Ok, I know my adhd would never let me read this wall of text so it’s ok if u can’t. I could go on forever but I have to go pee. I don’t really post, do I do a tldr:?

Tldr: I am overwhelmed with my messy house. And jealous of everyone else’s tidy homes bc in my head, they’ve just got it easy. Others don’t have as much work as I do! I’m still ranting, sorry. And no I actually do nothing all day. Just get tired and stressed from thinking about everything I need to do. Ok, I put three small areas in journal that I said I would do today before bed. It’s 10:53pm. I’m going to start that right now. I could do it before 1. Ok I don’t know if I can but I’m still starting right now.