u/Economy_Cup_4337

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to share some happy story :).

I had one week vacation with my wife (10+ years relationship, poly for over 8 years), and her meta ( they have been together for almost 8years) and it was amazing!
I know her meta for almost 15 years. I've known him before they know each other, and we're friends for almost 10 years.

We should have been 4, with my other partner, but sadly she couldn't make it (for good reasons). We decided to still go as 3. It is the first time we go just the 3 of us on vacations.

I'm a pretty chill guy, and want everyone to be happy, so I told my wife they could share the same bed together the whole week, because we're already nesting partners the rest of the time. At the end she chose to do 1/3 nights with me, and 2/3 with my meta (and friend). Everyone was fine with that.

We did some great activities together at the beach, visiting a natural park and observing birds for almost 4 hours, we did some land yacht (is that the word in English? a 3 wheel chariot on sand with a sail, if you never tried it, you should it's easy and so much fun), some hiking, kiting, and lots of board games.

The dynamic was great, and we all enjoyed it :)

That's it, have a great day everyone :)

I am 31m I’m mono and wife is 30f poly. Married 10 years and together 16 years. Wife has always been bi and only slept with woman in high school and I am the only man she has been with and she’s the only woman. We have 4 kids. She has always been told she could sleep with woman but no men and she has always been fine with this but never acted on it. She also only wants to be with woman and has said she prefers woman over men and if we got divorced would never be with another man. I’m mono partly by choice but the other part is wife doesn’t want me to look at other woman, be with other woman, or talk to other woman. She joked I could be with men but she knows I have 0 interest in men.

Recently wife was talking to this girl (39f who is divorced but back with her ex-husband and has an 18 year old and 5 year old they have an open relationship). Wife asked if it was fine if she made a move and I agreed. They started dating about 2 months ago. They had intimacy very quickly and have been since. I initially had a ton of anxiety (shaking, heart racing, etc.). That has mostly gone away however now I’m dealing with comments, hypotheticals, and odd requests.

She makes comments oh girlfriend doesn’t like what you do for work so hates that, girlfriend also knows about our past and hates you for that. She also does not want to cuddle, kiss, or regularly be intimate. But says oh girlfriend can cuddle me whenever she wants, she can kiss me whenever, and she can be intimate whenever. I asked why can’t we cuddle well you are a man and I prefer woman. She also says comments like woman have softer skin, etc. They typically hangout on Friday’s at our house and I have been on vacation for past three weeks and I have been helping watch the kids so they can be intimate in the bedroom for hours. I thought I was being a supportive husband.

She then starts with hypotheticals recent. So the girlfriend doesn’t like the state we are in and wants to move in about 2 years. Wife wants to go with her. They want us to buy houses side by side. Wife says things like what if we move and I find out I just like woman. Or what if we got divorced would you still move with us or stay here and you have kids during the summer.

The odd requests began yesterday during a date. We went on a date a few towns over and had a babysitter. We went shopping and out to eat. On the way home she wanted to pull over and be intimate which we did and it was great. Then we go to another store and she asks “Can we get divorced so I can marry my girlfriend and take her last name? I want to purpose on Christmas. We would still move together, live in the same house, and be intimate I would just be legally married to her and have her last name.” I was dumb founded by the request and said “No, I’m not getting divorced without the perks of a divorce.” She said “Okay, that’s fine.” She’s like we can still move and get divorced. Your new girlfriend would just need to know she would need to move in with us and you, her, and I can have threesomes.

Wife constantly pulls away from me. I have tried to express my anxiety and feelings and her response “I’m tired of this same argument every time she leaves it’s exhausting and if it doesn’t stop I can’t do it anymore”. She refuses to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, or anything unless she really wants it.

I’ve asked about our future and her response is always “I can’t predict the future so I won’t” I’m like in my mind most people say stuff like “I can’t see us growing old together.” But she doesn’t say that or doesn’t even say “I can see us living next to each other with big back yards and growing old with you and my girlfriend.” She makes comments like you are the only man I want and she’s the only woman. Or I want both of you. Or I love both of you. Yet moments later asks for a divorce, or a new style of living together, or will say how much she wants her girlfriend. She also said if I didn’t love you would I have given you a million chances.

All this has drove me into therapy and shortly into being medicated two things I have never had to do. I’ve lost a ton of sleep and when my wife wakes up I’m up exactly at the same time or before. Even like today I am supposed to stay up till 3am to sleep till 11 to adjust for going back to work on night shift. That didn’t happen I woke up at 7am before she did after going to sleep around 3:30 and not able to go back to sleep. She’s like it’s not hard close your eyes and go to bed.

I will admit that I haven’t always been the best father or husband. I have my faults, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and done things I regret.

I appreciate anyone’s response.

Thank you,
A confused husband.

My wife 47F and myself 48M have a healthy sex life. One day my wife told me that her friend, also 47F, was having issues with her husband. He no longer gets erections and their sex life no longer exists. She is feeling very frustrated and need to feel good about herself again. So my wife suggested that I should help her friend out, like in having sex with her. She said that she feels that as her best friend she need to do something, and while we are having a good sex life she is willing to share. I was taken by surprise at first, but now I'm enjoying the idea. There are rules to this, however my wife encourage me to flirt with her best friend. She even suggested a threesome as she wants to look at me having sex with her friend. I'm not complaining at all, her friend is very attractive and I wouldn't mind fulfilling that ask. So I recently started chatting up her best friend, at first she was shy to this like she didn't know what I'm trying to do, but now she a bit more relaxed. I invite her along to run with me, giving us the opportunity to get together, however we haven't done anything yet. I love my wife, and this is just a sex thing to her, and I always keep her informed as part of our rule. So we're going a weekend away, the three of us together to run a road racing event and I'm really stoked about it. Let's see where this goes.

We've been together for 4 years or so. This is my first time trying poly out. I was genuinely ok, but now is the first time where she has a very serious secondary partner. I have given them the space to explore their new relationship. Unfortunately I have only just felt ready to go out myself after a very tough year. But last week she dropped the bomb on me that she really feels that she can't maintain both relationships. I want to make it easier for her, but the sudden shift to a more precarious feeling relationship has thrown me off balance. It used to hurt a bit before having to share time, but you deal with it and accept it with the territory. Now all that acceptance and work I have done feels venomous. Like I created my own end by being too passive and letting them develop their relation. And so I don't feel I can be as supportive as I used to. This is kind of a rant, but does anyone have any advice?

Tell me I’m not the only one?

Like, I can watch my partner have sex with someone else and just think about how happy he looks. I can watch him snuggle up with a meta I dislike and feel compersion for both of them. But he watches a movie with someone else that I wanted to watch with him and it feels like the biggest betrayal in the world. How could he??? I’m legitimately upset and I hate it. Ugh.

Anyone else? Advice for unpacking this stupid shit?

I am truly happy for him. Hes a good person with a big heart and he deserves the love and happiness he’s been seeking and I hope this new relationship is exactly that for him. We ended a 7 year monogamous relationship on good terms two years ago. We were engaged. I know I gave it my all and tried everything to make it work but the relationship wasn’t right for multiple reasons (one being my curiosity about non-monogamy (and later poly) so of course incompatible, but not the only reason).

He is someone I will always love deeply and care about. He’s said the same to me. That he will always be there for me. I’m starting to learn people say things like this that they can’t really actually promise and commit too. And I am experiencing grief around it.

I’ve dated other people since our break up and assumed he would be too. Even though he’d say things to me like I was “it” for him (I.e. he was giving up on romance if it didn’t work out with us (yes, this was a problem during our relationship because pressure much?)). We don’t talk regularly but do check-ins/life updates a few times a year. On holidays and birthdays. Meaningful events. Etc. Back in February something tragic happened to his family and he reached out to let me know. We both cried and had a very beautiful loving call, as heart breaking as it was. Even though the relationship has changed. Since then he’s been incredibly busy and unresponsive. Kept saying he’ll call then not. He texted me a basic happy birthday but never called when he said he would (usually he was a person who would keep to his word). My parents were in his part of the world recently (it was an international relationship) and him and his family always said they’d visit and remain connected even if our relationship ended. And they were all crickets about my parents going there. No response about it.

I was starting to get a bit activated about this and was direct with him. “Is this where we’re at now? It’s okay if it is, if you’ve met someone else, please just let me know.” He ended up blocking me? Which was hella confusing. And then I had an STI related health scare come up and reached out on a different platform. To which he responded and apologized for not being social. That he was overwhelmingly busy and yes, he met someone else, and is very loyal and didn’t want anything to interfere, but to let him know if anything else happens with me health. So still technically there in some capacity.

I think I’m still grappling just with the change of it all. And it will likely just take time. We’re not each others main people anymore. And I don’t expect him to be there exactly as he used to. But I’ve come across this in smaller ways before in monogamy, you have a beautiful connection with someone. Say you’ll always be there for each other no matter who else comes next. And then the next person comes and there’s this slow fade to never talking again. It really hurts me. And my ex knew this and promised it wouldn’t be like that for us. And I’m seeing this pattern play out again with my most serious longterm romantic connection. It’s made me realize a big part of the poly draw for me. That past relationships don’t need to be a threat to new ones. It seems so so bizarre to me to throw away (Im being dramatic with that term. He’s not necessarily doing that) significant connections. Not just me, but the relationship with my parents too? It’s just hard to wrap my head around.

I did ask him if he could tell me the boundaries around our connection now with his new relationship. As well as what I would like going forward and he’s just left me on read. So only time will truly tell. But I’m grieving and trying to accept he may disappear entirely from my life too. I know he ultimately needs to do what’s best for him. I just hope that doesn’t mean leaving me entirely behind. But that’s part of the risk I took in ending the relationship.

Not sure what I’m looking for exactly with this post. Maybe some gentle advice and compassionate understanding? I’m a bit tender about it all.

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My boyfriend (R) and I have been together for 13 months now and while I enjoy our relationship and am mostly happy, I don't feel like some of my needs are being met. We are both poly (started poly at the beginning), he's married and he and his wife have both been poly for 10 years. They have two kids and his family takes up a majority of his time, which is understandable and I wouldn't dream of asking him to push them aside for me. I also have a second partner (J) but he's such a workaholic and lives in another state so we can only get together every few months.

I have been thinking for a while that I am wanting more from R than he is capable of giving. We are only able to hang out once a week for 4-5hrs but he does often cancel due to family. I'm not sure if this is me being lonely or just feeling like I'm not a priority. I tried asking for more time with him but unfortunately that's not possible until school starts again. I realize I'll never be his first priority, we can't move in together, and I'm not okay with that. Thinking about this made me realize that I actually don't have a primary partner, or at least he doesn't feel like one. And not to go into too much detail, but there's some things sexually that he finds difficulty with and having recently met up with J, it's such a welcome difference with him. For me, sex is a way to help me relieve stress and have fun and I have a lot of stress going on right now....

I know I should discuss this with R and I will, I just wanted to hear some opinions from those with more experience in poly. But I'm wondering if I should branch out and actually find a primary partner for me, where I am their first priority. I am turning 30 next year and I really thought I'd be living with or have future plans to live with a partner by now. I would love a partner to come home to and just drabble on about my day, hear about their day, watch the TV shows we enjoy, and then have naughty time. I've almost reached my limit with random roommates, not getting along, and cleaning up after them.

Please share your thoughts, and thank you.

I haven’t really seen many post about how much TIME really is required for polyamory. Lately, I have been thinking A LOT of where my shortcomings come from and its lack of time. Instead of trying to fit into everything to make poly work, I’ve taken a step back from pursuing or even looking because working 12hr/5days a week is really taxing on top of maintaining a concrete 6yr relationship plus trying to add another into the mix.

It certainly is disheartening that life and opportunity passes me by but I can’t really jump at it because of time. I’ve been poly for about 3-4years with a few dates but no real success. So what do I do? Just focus HEAVY on my current relationship. Build better foundation, show up even harder for them, and continuously improve my communication.

Not entirely sure the purpose of this post other than to sort my thoughts but hopefully, I won’t have such a taxing schedule where I could actually explore connections. As for now, I’ll keep my head down, not rush or push for anything and bide my time.

Cheers to those in the sidelines.

Oof! This morning my partner who I am very in love with accidentally butt dialed me from bed with someone else.

For context, my partner has been working out of state for the summer so I have not been physically with them for almost two months and their job is very consuming so even when I do get digital time with them they're not always as tuned in or resourced as I would like them to be. This person they were with is their summer fling, fully above board and encouraged by me, who they were spending the night with last night. I have had some feelings come up around them, mainly because they see each other pretty consistently once a week or so and it's just tough that it's impossible for me to get that as well but we have always worked through it and my partner has been very receptive and caring to my feelings. I also have no other partners so it kinda feels like I'm just waiting around for connection.

I was so excited when I saw an early morning call from them and said "Baby!..... honey?" to which I started to hear odd noises that I realized was smooching. And then she said something like, "Sorry about my [inaudible]" and my partner gave a sweet cozy familiar giggle. KILL ME. I almost would have preferred to hear them getting it on. Morning after pillow talk and sweet kisses are what I have been desperately missing. Plus, I can only imagine this was an on ramp to intimate and sweet morning sex... UGH

Anyways, I hung up right away and texted them to give them a heads up so they could not do it again but I definitely killed their vibe. Which I feel bad about and I wish I had the strength right now to jump to compersion but also fuck that sucked.

My nesting partner Aspen has been seeing someone who was already a friend of ours, Birch, for about 5 months. They have some intense NRE but I’ve been happy to see them happy. They’ve both decided to keep it “casual” and not label it as a relationship yet, but they’re clearly (I would say both of them) very smitten. They do however, have this thing where when they spend overnights together they will stay up nearly all night having sex and talking and barely sleep.

That’s their prerogative and for the most part I consider it not my business. I’ve bought up concern about it before though only when they missed work due to lack of sleep and put their job at risk, and when they were short tempered with me due to tiredness.

Part of me doesn’t feel great about how differently they seem to value sleep in that relationship vs. with me. For instance if they don’t get an absolutely solid nights sleep they’ll often decline to sleep in the same bed as me the next night or for multiple nights in a row until they rest well (we do have seperate rooms and don’t always sleep together). They’ll also decline sex or other plans after 10pm because “it’s too late”. But I know the dynamics and practicalities of a long term relationship living together vs. a new, occasional and casual thing are different.

Today slipped into hurt feelings and anger for me though and I’d like to know if others think I’m justified or overstepping.

They just had a weekend away together in the countryside, and this morning I messaged Aspen asking them to let me know when they had a home arrival ETA and if they’d want dinner. They replied 5 hours later saying they were 10 minutes away from home but had had no sleep, so would probably go nap with Birch in their room when they got home and probably won’t want dinner.

This upset me because Birch was driving 2 hours on winding country roads with no sleep and I consider that inherently dangerous and irresponsible. When Aspen sent me that message I was instantly worried for their safety and upset that they’d make such a choice. They then weren’t back in 10 minutes, and the longer it went on the more anxiety that they had crashed in a ditch started to take over. They both finally came through the door 40 minutes after their “10 min” message looking absolutely knackered.

I want to talk to my partner about the anxiety it made me feel and if they think Birch and them may be enabling each other in self-destructive behaviour. Part of me is also mad. We’re all in our fucking 30s and this is now dozens of times of them fucking themselves over because neither of them can say it’s time to go to bed

EDIT: the shortness with me and missing work have been well and truly discussed, apologised for and resolved, and the co-sleeping is not a concern. I merely brought it up as context that this is not the first time their inability to make a responsible choice about sleep with Birch has caused an issue, and that they’re fully capable of making very rational choices about sleep with me. The issue at hand is very much the driving without sleep being an escalation in irresponsibility that I’m not okay with

My partner and meta have on and off talks about moving in together particularly into a one bedroom apartment. Their relationship is also on and off so it's always changing. In that time though my partner and I are at a point I also want a more committed future/life together. Id like to eventually live together but I'd want space for other relationships and partners cause it is something I truly believe in.

I dont think we know how to solve this conflict of interest. Does only one partner get a full extend of a life together? Can we make it both work if meta and I don't get along/have a complicated history? I want to bring solutions to the table that meet my needs too and scratch their itch too. I really value fairness and equality. I dont think I can handle at this moment being with my partner if they do decide to move in together into their one bedroom because it would eliminate my ability to share that space with them as well.

What are ideas and ways I could present that we all get what we want from this situation?

Im not ready for this relationship to end but I dont want to sacrifice what I want and need and feel either. I want to be a fair meta.

My partner (30) and I (33) have been poly off and on for 5ish years. We were in a polycule with 4 of us for over a year and I didn't have this boundary, but at the moment we are doing a bit of parallel polyamory. He is dating a woman who I have met a couple of times but don't interact with very much and he is also dating my best friend.

Since those relationships have started, I have found that when he has a date where he is physical with them, I don't want to have sex with him afterwards. I get in my head and play the comparison game and I end up A) not enjoying sex and B) being pretty miserable for up to several days after.

As a result I have put in place a boundary where I want to wait until at least the next day for sex (and that doesn't mean no intimacy. Just no sex acts). Having this in place seemed better than shutting him down whenever he would try to initiate.

I feel good about this boundary and he respects it.

At our recent relationship check-in he expressed that he would like to work to a point where I feel comfortable letting this boundary go. He feels like he is missing out on setting up dates in the earlier parts of the day because he doesn't want the opportunity for us to be intimate off the table for the entire day. I never intended to inconvenience him with this boundary, but I really can't see myself putting it away because even him hooking up with my best friend who I am beyond comfortable with, still makes me feel the same way: after he has a physical date with them, I still can't enjoy sex because I am constantly bombarded with intrusive thoughts about my performance and constant comparisons.

I have scoured the internet and cannot find anyone who had a boundary like mine, so it's hard to find discourse around specific sex boundaries.

Does anyone else have a similar boundary? Are there strategies to work around a discomfort like this (other than therapy. Yes. I know. I go to therapy).

Came across my partner’s wife’s Feeld profile recently and it said …

“Married with kids, open for many years and struggling for all of them (working through some trauma, don’t quote any poly shit to me, I’m so over it).”

I feel confused. Prior to living in our city, my partner and his wife lived with one of his girlfriends (and her husband) for many years. He has told me that they lean KTP, but I have not met Meta yet. My partner and I have only been together for a few months.

Thoughts? Feels like a little red flag but unsure if I’m overthinking it.

EDIT: Additional info & clarifications

1 - This is unfortunately not an old account, she was most recently active two months ago.

2 - To the handful of folks that said I should just talk to my parter … Yes, we already have and we are. I wanted to hear this community’s thoughts about the profile specifically, so I didn’t include additional information about these talks.

3 - Thanks to everyone who commented, it’s validating to hear that my concerns are justified!

I've been dating this really great guy for the last five or so years, he's really supported me through some of the hardest times in my life and I am so grateful to have him in my life. He got married to his nesting-partner about a year ago, they just bought a house together even, and they're talking about having kids in the near-ish future. On my end, I'm pretty much solo poly. I have a few people I see, but nobody in that "primary" slot, everyone in my polycule is either uninterested in something serious or has already settled down with somebody else. Suffice it to say that I am a bit "up for grabs".

As they navigate these life changes together, he's told me that he wants me to be involved. He would like me to move in at some point, to help raise the kids that him and his spouse have, to even have those children see me as one of their parents if we are so lucky. He wants to build a life with me, while also building it with this other person who is just a friend to me. He says that both me and this other person are his primary partners, but they bought a house together, and I was not involved. I really struggle to see how what he says could be possible, even just logistically.

I know it's possible for three people to build family and life together, but the only times I've seen that happen are when the three all love one another, which isn't the case here. I also think it would be totally possible for me and him to raise this child together with the dynamic of a divorced couple, where we both have our own life and home, but those two lives intercept in the support of this kid, except in this case we'd love each other still. That sounds difficult and straining but possible. What I don't see as possible is for me and him and this other person who to me is just a friend, to live together and to build something together. It is hard to believe that if push came to shove that my needs and wants or feelings could possibly have the same weight as the person to whom he is married and who will have given birth to his child, and if that's the case, then it isn't my life, it's a life that has a me-shaped hole carved into it, a life that I get to be a passenger in. Another alarm bell is that he's mentioned off hand here and there that some things they want about how they raise these children would only be possible with another income in the house, and the possibility that I'm being invited in solely for what I could provide financially is bone-chilling.

To be clear, I don't think that's the case, I don't think he's lying. I just worry that what he *wants* us to be is clouding his ability to see the limits to what we all *could* be, that he's calling our dynamic something that it can't be. But I want to be wrong.

The insight of other people could be really helpful, because maybe I just am overly anxious, maybe my lack of queer and poly community is hiding from me what is possible, I would really like to be wrong. I love this man and want so much to be a coparent with him, I really want this to be possible, I just am so terrified to wake up a decade from now in a house that isn't mine, with a child who isn't mine, realizing that the life I have isn't mine either. I only get one life here, and while I don't want to throw this opportunity for parenthood away, I also am so scared to find that I never lived and instead just tagged along with somebody else's life.

Firstly, please no judgement to my partner. She is perfectly capable of making her own risk assessments.

Situation: my partner got into a hot and heavy digital conversation for a few weeks. It culminated in them meeting in person and having unprotected sex.

We live in a smallish town, so this is not a complete stranger…but it’s also not a risk I would have personally taken on a first hang out.

I’m struggling a little bit because one of my other metas is very adamant about not using protection with any of their partners. But that meta is very responsible, takes prep, generally mentally stable and wise when it comes to selecting sexual partners. And I know them and trust their judgment.

The reputation that this new person has is…not as responsible. But my partner did ask about testing and both partner and new person disclosed information and still decided to have unprotected sex.

I’m trying to figure out my own risk tolerance here. I’ve already decided to use barriers for certain types of sex, but I’m stuck on whether unprotected Oral sex is still on the table.

How would you make a risk assessment here? Is it fair to want to use barriers with my partner because they had unprotected sex with this new person even though they’ve been having unprotected sex with a meta who is open about taking similar risks??

I know that I can choose to use barriers regardless. But I’m conflicted as to whether my thinking makes sense and if I want to include barriers for oral sex.

That's really it.
Former primary and I split because I became medically immunocompromised and it was "too much of a sacrifice" for him. Me having boundaries around not seeing him when I was especially vulnerable, if he was doing things that put me at higher risk, was misconstrued as an ultimatum (yeah, I think it's going to shift the dynamic by default...).
Can't see my existing partners right now because I'm pretty sick, and one of them just traveled and puts me at too high of a risk.
We can probably do something masked, but I haven't really been able to get out of bed.

MAN, what a rough fucking transition from taking my health for granted. It feels lonely, and I feel like the odds are stacked against me. This is a vent, but if anyone else shares these woes maybe it could feel good for everyone to share? I'm overall grateful that my health is technically on the mend, but this part does make me pretty sad.

It's probably time to find a support group. Maybe non-monogamous and disabled support groups exist?