u/Economy_Cup_4337

Update: Everyone is safe but the conversation with my wife didn't go great. Probably more updates to come.

Some context at the end.

The text:

"For almost two years I've been respectful towards you and never tried to undermine the relationship, treating you like I wish to be treated. This is called the Golden Rule [Me].

That's over, it stops today. Look inside and ask:

Why can't or won't I handle my business with my 'wife'? Am I a eunuch? Am I closeted? Look inside and find out the Why bc wo it you're truly lost

You can bow out gracefully....you know what's coming anyways. Why not communicate your real feelings with your 'wife' instead of bottling them up and being deceitful by lying to her through omission when she asks what's up?

Despite your passive aggressive actions towards me over the last couple years I'm still trying to reach My Brother From Another; that's irony for sure

If you ever try and slow down or prevent [My Wife] from getting home to see me like yesterday we are going to have words. Unlike you I take care of my business and put her on a pedestal

We will have words and a visit... and talk about it

One on One

Whether it's at your work or at your home, Idc. FAAFO

And then we will talk about your crappy attitude and lack of performance 'on the job'

.

.

.

Just to be clear, this txt is not passive aggressive. It's just clearly aggressive 🤣

You've been notified. Respond, tattle, or stay silent, I don't give a SHIT. I respect you enough to let you know where I stand, which is more than you've given me in two years."

End of text

Context: Yesterday my wife and I were on our way home from a camping trip and wife was planning to head to metas after we got home. She suggested one route but I wasn't familiar with it so I opted to go a different way that I knew well. It added maybe 10 minutes to the trip. This morning I get this text right before work. He's texted me like this once before but without the apparent threats. I've been poly for like 10 years and have never had problems with any of my metas. AIO or should I be concerned for our safety?

Me 45, her 38 married 7 years with a toddler .

My wife has been in another relationship for about 6 months which has hurt me alot emotionally the whole time. She recently broke up with him due to my and our relationships slow demise. I have tried everything to cope with this lifestyle and it's just not me. Anyway the past few days she has been very sad and depressed the way I was feeling the past 6 months. Part of her is blaming me for this breakup.

I told her before there breakup that I can and will deal with the pain, I just want her to be happy in life.

She loves the guy and she has been very happy with him. It feels like her relationship with him threw the balance of our relationship out of wack within me. Her happiness has been the equivalent of my depression. It was great and balanced before we became poly (BTW im not blaming poly).

Im not sure if there is a question in here im just lost in all this. Any insights would be great. Preferably from a mature perspective.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite… I asked my husband to open up earlier this year so I could explore my bisexuality. I had a short term FWB but never fully bought into polyamory, since this was meant to be a sexual connection primarily (I had caught feelings however). On the other hand, he did the work on his end and concluded he would be fine if I fell in love with another person. After many months of him struggling to date, he met someone right after my breakup. I was grieving and had asked him for a breather from ENM to figure out next steps (debating if going back to monogamy is the right choice, for example) but he already had someone he was excited about. This person is poly and will only move forward if my husband can operate with full autonomy, understandably.

Poly feels terrifying to me. ENM felt like going on vacation to a foreign place, poly feels like a permanent move. It feels like an existential crisis. I don’t want to ruin this new connection of his, after everything he gave me, but can I even reframe this fear when I don’t even know if I want ENM at all anymore?

[removed]

Here’s the previous posts:

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/VTOUT4OhXJ

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/LFMuJrRlMV

Nine months later, I can finally give an update.
Unfortunately, things have gotten worse.

My son followed through with almost everything he said he was going to do. He did not return to college for the spring semester. Instead, he moved out, got a full-time job, and spent the last several months working and applying to transfer schools.
He was accepted to an out-of-state college and has just started his fall semester there.

The part I was not prepared for is that he seems happier than he has been in a very long time.
At first, my wife and I assumed the distance would be temporary. We thought that once he had time away from us, he might eventually want more contact. Instead, the opposite seems to have happened.
The longer he has been away from us, the less he seems to want contact.
For the first few months, he would occasionally answer our calls and messages. The conversations were awkward and short, but we at least had some contact. Over time, though, he started responding less and less
During that time, we did not hear anything directly from him. We only knew that he was working and preparing to move because of the limited information he had previously shared with us.

What has been hardest is hearing about how his life has been going since he moved out.
He has been working, saving money, and making his own decisions. He made friends during the months he was working. He has continued individual therapy. Now he has moved out of state and started the fall semester at his new school.
We only know those things because he told us shortly before leaving.

My son finally contacted us shortly before leaving for school. He said that he wanted us to understand what he wants going forward. He said he no longer wants a close relationship. He said that during the months he had been away from us, he realized how much anxiety he associated with being at home and around us. He said he feels like he can finally make decisions without worrying about how we will react.
He also said that he doesn’t spend as much time feeling angry anymore. That letting go of a close relationship with us has brought more peace than he has ever had before. That was probably the hardest thing he said. He told us that he wants to maintain a distant relationship with us, similar to the relationship he has with some of his extended family. He is willing to exchange occasional messages and speak during major holidays, but he does not want regular calls, frequent visits, or an emotionally close parent-child relationship. He said he’s done with us in a more permanent way.
He was very clear that he does not currently want to rebuild a close relationship with either of us.

My wife is taking this very badly.
She has been crying almost every day since he told us he wanted a distant relationship. She barely eats when she is upset and has lost noticeable weight. She keeps rereading his messages and scrolling through old pictures of him as a child. Several times, I have found her sitting on the floor in his old bedroom, holding one of his old sweatshirts.
She has also started leaving long voicemails for him, even though he asked us not to call frequently. She says she deletes them before sending, but I have caught her recording messages late at night. She has written him several letters and bought gifts for him, although he has told us not to send packages without asking first. She keeps checking his social media and asking mutual acquaintances whether he has mentioned us. When she sees pictures of him with his new friends, she becomes visibly upset and says that he looks happier with them than he ever looked with us. She has also started blaming herself, then blaming me, then blaming other people. One day she says we should apologize and give him space. The next day she says he has been manipulated by other people and that we need to make him understand how much we love him.
She has missed work twice because she was too upset to get out of bed. She has stopped seeing some of her friends because she doesn’t want to answer questions about him. When relatives ask how he is doing, she either starts crying or becomes angry and says they are taking his side.
I have tried to convince her that repeatedly contacting him will only push him further away, but she says that doing nothing feels like abandoning him.

I am taking it badly too, although I probably don’t show it as much.
The thing I never expected is that giving him the space he asked for does not seem to have made him regret leaving.
It seems to have made him happier.
And nine months ago, if you had told me that our son would walk away from our family, skip a semester of college, work full-time, move out of state, and start a new school—and somehow end up happier than before—I would not have believed you.
But that is where we are now.
He has made it clear that distance is what he wants, and that he is not waiting to return to the kind of relationship we had before.
I honestly don’t know whether his feelings will ever change, but I am beginning to understand that we cannot assume they will.

Hi all!

This is mostly going to be a rant, but I’m curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

I’m 32M and have been NM for 12 years. I’ve had several primary and secondary partners. My last relationship was poly and lasted 8 years, during which I had a primary and up to 3 secondaries.

I’ve always struggled to find partners, both casual and serious, whenever I was open about being NM. For years, I assumed it was because I wasn’t attractive or interesting enough. Since I felt like I didn’t have many options, I often settled.

Meanwhile, my partners seemed to have the opposite experience. They could hook up with whoever they wanted, whenever they wanted. At one point, my last primary had only me, then went back on dating apps 7 years into our relationship and had more experiences in one month than I’d had in the previous 7 years.

Another example is my current secondary. She recently broke up with both of her other partners, so she went back on Tinder. We were on vacation together and her notifications were absolutely wild. Within 1 day, she already had 3 dates lined up and a threesome with some random couple.

I’ve also had a few slightly toxic secondary relationships where I was basically told that they could replace me or go fuck whoever they wanted if I didn’t accept certain conditions, while they clearly knew I couldn't use the same card.

Over the last 6 months, I broke up with my primary and 2 secondaries. I also stopped mentioning that I was NM when dating.

And suddenly, I have choices.

In 6 months, I’ve had more first dates than I had in the previous 8 years. I’ve even turned down beautiful women because I didn’t think we were compatible enough, didn’t like the sex enough, or couldn’t see myself building a life with them.

It’s honestly been a very weird experience. For years, I thought I was the problem, and now I’m wondering how much of it was simply the NM label. That label meant freedom to me, but I've now realized it was the opposite.

Obviously, I know I still don’t have anywhere near as many options as most NM women do. But apparently that difference bothers me a lot more than I ever realized. It’s gotten to the point where, even if I could have exactly the same dating options I have now while being NM, I’m not sure I’d choose NM anymore.

And I think that’s the weirdest part of all of this. I spent 13 years thinking NM was what I wanted, and now that I’ve finally experienced what dating feels like when I actually have options, I’m seriously considering going back to monogamy.

My husband told me last night that he wants a divorce. We have been together 21 years, married 12, non-monogamous / poly for the last 6.
He feels that he has told me over the years that he feels like we’ve become disconnected sexually, emotionally, career-wise. The only thing he thinks we’re nailing is parenting.
I didn’t realise it was that bad to him. I thought we were just having a bit of a rough patch but that there was enough love here to get through it. He feels like he’s expressed it to me clearly, and I obviously haven’t heard him.
He’s been dating another woman for 17 months and he is planning on continuing a relationship with her.
I feel so blindsided, shocked, sad, heartbroken. I thought being poly would protect us from this - like we can have these great external connections as well as ours?! Perfect!
Anyway. I don’t really know what I’m looking for from this post. I don’t know how to navigate this. My whole life has just blown up in 24 hours.

6 year ago we opened our marriage, well for her side even though I got to play with her and other people sometimes. We had fun and enjoyed a lot of things. Well three years in she stopped making me a priority and we fought a lot. She ended up leaving me for a girl. 9 months later they split up and we decided to work things out. I was sure we were good and learned our lessons, and a year later we both agreed to try again.

A year in she met this guy and they really connected. He was alright guy definitely an ass hole but still alright. We occasionally did things all together. One year later we agreed to have him move in but agreed he would be a roommate to the outside world. Well around this time last year he didn’t like that and wanted to be able to post her on social media. I wasn’t comfortable with that yet and they ended the relationship. He found a new girl but continued to do things with my wife.

During this she stopped making me a priority again and focused on him until he did something to upset her and then her focus would be on me until he came back around. That continued until may of this year. They stopped talking and he moved out in June and moved his girlfriend in with him at his new place. The wife and I agreed to stop this and become monogamous. Well in July she met up with him and they kissed. I got mad and flipped out. Well he kicked his girl out and moved my wife in.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for. More just venting. I’m hoping this depression goes away because it is not easy.

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to share some happy story :).

I had one week vacation with my wife (10+ years relationship, poly for over 8 years), and her meta ( they have been together for almost 8years) and it was amazing!
I know her meta for almost 15 years. I've known him before they know each other, and we're friends for almost 10 years.

We should have been 4, with my other partner, but sadly she couldn't make it (for good reasons). We decided to still go as 3. It is the first time we go just the 3 of us on vacations.

I'm a pretty chill guy, and want everyone to be happy, so I told my wife they could share the same bed together the whole week, because we're already nesting partners the rest of the time. At the end she chose to do 1/3 nights with me, and 2/3 with my meta (and friend). Everyone was fine with that.

We did some great activities together at the beach, visiting a natural park and observing birds for almost 4 hours, we did some land yacht (is that the word in English? a 3 wheel chariot on sand with a sail, if you never tried it, you should it's easy and so much fun), some hiking, kiting, and lots of board games.

The dynamic was great, and we all enjoyed it :)

That's it, have a great day everyone :)

I am 31m I’m mono and wife is 30f poly. Married 10 years and together 16 years. Wife has always been bi and only slept with woman in high school and I am the only man she has been with and she’s the only woman. We have 4 kids. She has always been told she could sleep with woman but no men and she has always been fine with this but never acted on it. She also only wants to be with woman and has said she prefers woman over men and if we got divorced would never be with another man. I’m mono partly by choice but the other part is wife doesn’t want me to look at other woman, be with other woman, or talk to other woman. She joked I could be with men but she knows I have 0 interest in men.

Recently wife was talking to this girl (39f who is divorced but back with her ex-husband and has an 18 year old and 5 year old they have an open relationship). Wife asked if it was fine if she made a move and I agreed. They started dating about 2 months ago. They had intimacy very quickly and have been since. I initially had a ton of anxiety (shaking, heart racing, etc.). That has mostly gone away however now I’m dealing with comments, hypotheticals, and odd requests.

She makes comments oh girlfriend doesn’t like what you do for work so hates that, girlfriend also knows about our past and hates you for that. She also does not want to cuddle, kiss, or regularly be intimate. But says oh girlfriend can cuddle me whenever she wants, she can kiss me whenever, and she can be intimate whenever. I asked why can’t we cuddle well you are a man and I prefer woman. She also says comments like woman have softer skin, etc. They typically hangout on Friday’s at our house and I have been on vacation for past three weeks and I have been helping watch the kids so they can be intimate in the bedroom for hours. I thought I was being a supportive husband.

She then starts with hypotheticals recent. So the girlfriend doesn’t like the state we are in and wants to move in about 2 years. Wife wants to go with her. They want us to buy houses side by side. Wife says things like what if we move and I find out I just like woman. Or what if we got divorced would you still move with us or stay here and you have kids during the summer.

The odd requests began yesterday during a date. We went on a date a few towns over and had a babysitter. We went shopping and out to eat. On the way home she wanted to pull over and be intimate which we did and it was great. Then we go to another store and she asks “Can we get divorced so I can marry my girlfriend and take her last name? I want to purpose on Christmas. We would still move together, live in the same house, and be intimate I would just be legally married to her and have her last name.” I was dumb founded by the request and said “No, I’m not getting divorced without the perks of a divorce.” She said “Okay, that’s fine.” She’s like we can still move and get divorced. Your new girlfriend would just need to know she would need to move in with us and you, her, and I can have threesomes.

Wife constantly pulls away from me. I have tried to express my anxiety and feelings and her response “I’m tired of this same argument every time she leaves it’s exhausting and if it doesn’t stop I can’t do it anymore”. She refuses to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, or anything unless she really wants it.

I’ve asked about our future and her response is always “I can’t predict the future so I won’t” I’m like in my mind most people say stuff like “I can’t see us growing old together.” But she doesn’t say that or doesn’t even say “I can see us living next to each other with big back yards and growing old with you and my girlfriend.” She makes comments like you are the only man I want and she’s the only woman. Or I want both of you. Or I love both of you. Yet moments later asks for a divorce, or a new style of living together, or will say how much she wants her girlfriend. She also said if I didn’t love you would I have given you a million chances.

All this has drove me into therapy and shortly into being medicated two things I have never had to do. I’ve lost a ton of sleep and when my wife wakes up I’m up exactly at the same time or before. Even like today I am supposed to stay up till 3am to sleep till 11 to adjust for going back to work on night shift. That didn’t happen I woke up at 7am before she did after going to sleep around 3:30 and not able to go back to sleep. She’s like it’s not hard close your eyes and go to bed.

I will admit that I haven’t always been the best father or husband. I have my faults, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and done things I regret.

I appreciate anyone’s response.

Thank you,
A confused husband.

My wife 47F and myself 48M have a healthy sex life. One day my wife told me that her friend, also 47F, was having issues with her husband. He no longer gets erections and their sex life no longer exists. She is feeling very frustrated and need to feel good about herself again. So my wife suggested that I should help her friend out, like in having sex with her. She said that she feels that as her best friend she need to do something, and while we are having a good sex life she is willing to share. I was taken by surprise at first, but now I'm enjoying the idea. There are rules to this, however my wife encourage me to flirt with her best friend. She even suggested a threesome as she wants to look at me having sex with her friend. I'm not complaining at all, her friend is very attractive and I wouldn't mind fulfilling that ask. So I recently started chatting up her best friend, at first she was shy to this like she didn't know what I'm trying to do, but now she a bit more relaxed. I invite her along to run with me, giving us the opportunity to get together, however we haven't done anything yet. I love my wife, and this is just a sex thing to her, and I always keep her informed as part of our rule. So we're going a weekend away, the three of us together to run a road racing event and I'm really stoked about it. Let's see where this goes.

We've been together for 4 years or so. This is my first time trying poly out. I was genuinely ok, but now is the first time where she has a very serious secondary partner. I have given them the space to explore their new relationship. Unfortunately I have only just felt ready to go out myself after a very tough year. But last week she dropped the bomb on me that she really feels that she can't maintain both relationships. I want to make it easier for her, but the sudden shift to a more precarious feeling relationship has thrown me off balance. It used to hurt a bit before having to share time, but you deal with it and accept it with the territory. Now all that acceptance and work I have done feels venomous. Like I created my own end by being too passive and letting them develop their relation. And so I don't feel I can be as supportive as I used to. This is kind of a rant, but does anyone have any advice?

Tell me I’m not the only one?

Like, I can watch my partner have sex with someone else and just think about how happy he looks. I can watch him snuggle up with a meta I dislike and feel compersion for both of them. But he watches a movie with someone else that I wanted to watch with him and it feels like the biggest betrayal in the world. How could he??? I’m legitimately upset and I hate it. Ugh.

Anyone else? Advice for unpacking this stupid shit?

I am truly happy for him. Hes a good person with a big heart and he deserves the love and happiness he’s been seeking and I hope this new relationship is exactly that for him. We ended a 7 year monogamous relationship on good terms two years ago. We were engaged. I know I gave it my all and tried everything to make it work but the relationship wasn’t right for multiple reasons (one being my curiosity about non-monogamy (and later poly) so of course incompatible, but not the only reason).

He is someone I will always love deeply and care about. He’s said the same to me. That he will always be there for me. I’m starting to learn people say things like this that they can’t really actually promise and commit too. And I am experiencing grief around it.

I’ve dated other people since our break up and assumed he would be too. Even though he’d say things to me like I was “it” for him (I.e. he was giving up on romance if it didn’t work out with us (yes, this was a problem during our relationship because pressure much?)). We don’t talk regularly but do check-ins/life updates a few times a year. On holidays and birthdays. Meaningful events. Etc. Back in February something tragic happened to his family and he reached out to let me know. We both cried and had a very beautiful loving call, as heart breaking as it was. Even though the relationship has changed. Since then he’s been incredibly busy and unresponsive. Kept saying he’ll call then not. He texted me a basic happy birthday but never called when he said he would (usually he was a person who would keep to his word). My parents were in his part of the world recently (it was an international relationship) and him and his family always said they’d visit and remain connected even if our relationship ended. And they were all crickets about my parents going there. No response about it.

I was starting to get a bit activated about this and was direct with him. “Is this where we’re at now? It’s okay if it is, if you’ve met someone else, please just let me know.” He ended up blocking me? Which was hella confusing. And then I had an STI related health scare come up and reached out on a different platform. To which he responded and apologized for not being social. That he was overwhelmingly busy and yes, he met someone else, and is very loyal and didn’t want anything to interfere, but to let him know if anything else happens with me health. So still technically there in some capacity.

I think I’m still grappling just with the change of it all. And it will likely just take time. We’re not each others main people anymore. And I don’t expect him to be there exactly as he used to. But I’ve come across this in smaller ways before in monogamy, you have a beautiful connection with someone. Say you’ll always be there for each other no matter who else comes next. And then the next person comes and there’s this slow fade to never talking again. It really hurts me. And my ex knew this and promised it wouldn’t be like that for us. And I’m seeing this pattern play out again with my most serious longterm romantic connection. It’s made me realize a big part of the poly draw for me. That past relationships don’t need to be a threat to new ones. It seems so so bizarre to me to throw away (Im being dramatic with that term. He’s not necessarily doing that) significant connections. Not just me, but the relationship with my parents too? It’s just hard to wrap my head around.

I did ask him if he could tell me the boundaries around our connection now with his new relationship. As well as what I would like going forward and he’s just left me on read. So only time will truly tell. But I’m grieving and trying to accept he may disappear entirely from my life too. I know he ultimately needs to do what’s best for him. I just hope that doesn’t mean leaving me entirely behind. But that’s part of the risk I took in ending the relationship.

Not sure what I’m looking for exactly with this post. Maybe some gentle advice and compassionate understanding? I’m a bit tender about it all.

[removed]

My boyfriend (R) and I have been together for 13 months now and while I enjoy our relationship and am mostly happy, I don't feel like some of my needs are being met. We are both poly (started poly at the beginning), he's married and he and his wife have both been poly for 10 years. They have two kids and his family takes up a majority of his time, which is understandable and I wouldn't dream of asking him to push them aside for me. I also have a second partner (J) but he's such a workaholic and lives in another state so we can only get together every few months.

I have been thinking for a while that I am wanting more from R than he is capable of giving. We are only able to hang out once a week for 4-5hrs but he does often cancel due to family. I'm not sure if this is me being lonely or just feeling like I'm not a priority. I tried asking for more time with him but unfortunately that's not possible until school starts again. I realize I'll never be his first priority, we can't move in together, and I'm not okay with that. Thinking about this made me realize that I actually don't have a primary partner, or at least he doesn't feel like one. And not to go into too much detail, but there's some things sexually that he finds difficulty with and having recently met up with J, it's such a welcome difference with him. For me, sex is a way to help me relieve stress and have fun and I have a lot of stress going on right now....

I know I should discuss this with R and I will, I just wanted to hear some opinions from those with more experience in poly. But I'm wondering if I should branch out and actually find a primary partner for me, where I am their first priority. I am turning 30 next year and I really thought I'd be living with or have future plans to live with a partner by now. I would love a partner to come home to and just drabble on about my day, hear about their day, watch the TV shows we enjoy, and then have naughty time. I've almost reached my limit with random roommates, not getting along, and cleaning up after them.

Please share your thoughts, and thank you.

I haven’t really seen many post about how much TIME really is required for polyamory. Lately, I have been thinking A LOT of where my shortcomings come from and its lack of time. Instead of trying to fit into everything to make poly work, I’ve taken a step back from pursuing or even looking because working 12hr/5days a week is really taxing on top of maintaining a concrete 6yr relationship plus trying to add another into the mix.

It certainly is disheartening that life and opportunity passes me by but I can’t really jump at it because of time. I’ve been poly for about 3-4years with a few dates but no real success. So what do I do? Just focus HEAVY on my current relationship. Build better foundation, show up even harder for them, and continuously improve my communication.

Not entirely sure the purpose of this post other than to sort my thoughts but hopefully, I won’t have such a taxing schedule where I could actually explore connections. As for now, I’ll keep my head down, not rush or push for anything and bide my time.

Cheers to those in the sidelines.

Oof! This morning my partner who I am very in love with accidentally butt dialed me from bed with someone else.

For context, my partner has been working out of state for the summer so I have not been physically with them for almost two months and their job is very consuming so even when I do get digital time with them they're not always as tuned in or resourced as I would like them to be. This person they were with is their summer fling, fully above board and encouraged by me, who they were spending the night with last night. I have had some feelings come up around them, mainly because they see each other pretty consistently once a week or so and it's just tough that it's impossible for me to get that as well but we have always worked through it and my partner has been very receptive and caring to my feelings. I also have no other partners so it kinda feels like I'm just waiting around for connection.

I was so excited when I saw an early morning call from them and said "Baby!..... honey?" to which I started to hear odd noises that I realized was smooching. And then she said something like, "Sorry about my [inaudible]" and my partner gave a sweet cozy familiar giggle. KILL ME. I almost would have preferred to hear them getting it on. Morning after pillow talk and sweet kisses are what I have been desperately missing. Plus, I can only imagine this was an on ramp to intimate and sweet morning sex... UGH

Anyways, I hung up right away and texted them to give them a heads up so they could not do it again but I definitely killed their vibe. Which I feel bad about and I wish I had the strength right now to jump to compersion but also fuck that sucked.