u/Equal-Librarian4941

I need to start by saying this isn't a snap decision. This has been a long, painful year of watching someone I love choose to be cruel.

My older sister (30F) has spent the past year taking calculated digs at me, creating scenes at family gatherings, spreading false narratives about me to other family members, and manipulating our younger sister into taking her side. She's not the explosive, obviously toxic type that's easy to call out. She's the kind of person who makes herself look like the victim while doing consistent damage behind the scenes. That's almost harder to deal with because it makes you feel like you're going crazy. I explain to her how she hurts me & she’s the queen of DARVO & I’m told every time to get over it.

Here's the part that broke me.

I’m (25F) I have HH but doctors think more too. I'm not on the other side of it — I'm still in the thick of it. Still getting new lab results (this is aside from the HH as it caused other issues) still potentially facing more diagnoses, still in active treatment. This isn't something I talk about for sympathy. It's just my reality right now. She has seen my actual lab work, test results etc. She knows exactly what I'm dealing with. And she and my younger sister have been telling people in our family that I'm making it up. Not because they're confused. Not because they misunderstood something. They know the truth and they're choosing to lie about it anyway.

That was it for me. But I want to be honest, this isn't just about that one thing. That was the last straw at the end of a very long road. I've made peace with cutting her off completely. What I haven't figured out is how to actually do it. My mental health and relationship cannot stay in this loop anymore.

For anyone who's been through something similar:
\\- Did you tell your parents upfront you wouldn't attend events where that person is present, or did you just decline as things came up?
\\- How did you have that conversation with your parents without making them feel like they had to choose sides?
\\- How did you handle it when the manipulative person was good at controlling the narrative and making others doubt you?

I'm not looking to be talked out of this. I've thought it through. I just want to hear from people who have actually been in the thick of family estrangement and come out the other side.

I need to start by saying this isn't a snap decision. This has been a long, painful year of watching someone I love choose to be cruel.

My older sister (30F) has spent the past year taking calculated digs at me, creating scenes at family gatherings, spreading false narratives about me to other family members, and manipulating our younger sister into taking her side. She's not the explosive, obviously toxic type that's easy to call out. She's the kind of person who makes herself look like the victim while doing quiet, consistent damage behind the scenes. That's almost harder to deal with because it makes you feel like you're going crazy. I explain to her how she hurts me & she’s the queen of DARVO & I’m told every time to get over it.

Here's the part that broke me.

I’m (25F) I have a chronic health condition. I'm not on the other side of it — I'm still in the thick of it. Still getting new lab results, still potentially facing more diagnoses, still in active treatment. This isn't something I talk about for sympathy. It's just my reality right now. She has seen my actual lab work. She knows exactly what I'm dealing with. And she and my younger sister have been telling people in our family that I'm making it up. Not because they're confused. Not because they misunderstood something. They know the truth and they're choosing to lie about it anyway.

That was it for me. But I want to be honest, this isn't just about that one thing. That was the last straw at the end of a very long road. I've made peace with cutting her off completely. What I haven't figured out is how to actually do it. My mental health and relationship cannot stay in this loop anymore.

For anyone who's been through something similar:
\\\\- Did you tell your parents upfront you wouldn't attend events where that person is present, or did you just decline as things came up?
\\\\- How did you have that conversation with your parents without making them feel like they had to choose sides?
\\\\- How did you handle it when the manipulative person was good at controlling the narrative and making others doubt you?

I'm not looking to be talked out of this. I've thought it through. I just want to hear from people who have actually been in the thick of family estrangement and come out the other side.

I need to start by saying this isn't a snap decision. This has been a long, painful year of watching someone I love choose to be cruel.

My older sister 30F has spent the past year taking calculated digs at me, creating scenes at family gatherings, spreading false narratives about me to other family members, and manipulating our younger sister into taking her side. She's not the explosive, obviously toxic type that's easy to call out. She's the kind of person who makes herself look like the victim while doing quiet, consistent damage behind the scenes. That's almost harder to deal with because it makes you feel like you're going crazy. I explain to her how she hurts me & she’s the queen of DARVO & I’m told every time to get over it.

Here's the part that broke me.

I’m 25F I have a chronic health condition. I'm not on the other side of it — I'm still in the thick of it. Still getting new lab results, still potentially facing more diagnoses, still in active treatment. This isn't something I talk about for sympathy. It's just my reality right now. She has seen my actual lab work. She knows exactly what I'm dealing with. And she and my younger sister have been telling people in our family that I'm making it up. Not because they're confused. Not because they misunderstood something. They know the truth and they're choosing to lie about it anyway.

That was it for me. But I want to be honest, this isn't just about that one thing. That was the last straw at the end of a very long road. I've made peace with cutting her off completely. What I haven't figured out is how to actually do it. My mental health and relationship cannot stay in this loop anymore.

For anyone who's been through something similar:
\\\\- Did you tell your parents upfront you wouldn't attend events where that person is present, or did you just decline as things came up?
\\\\- How did you have that conversation with your parents without making them feel like they had to choose sides?
\\\\- How did you handle it when the manipulative person was good at controlling the narrative and making others doubt you?

I'm not looking to be talked out of this. I've thought it through. I just want to hear from people who have actually been in the thick of family estrangement and come out the other side.

I need to start by saying this isn't a snap decision. This has been a long, painful year of watching someone I love choose to be cruel.

My older sister (30F) has spent the past year taking calculated digs at me, creating scenes at family gatherings, spreading false narratives about me to other family members, and manipulating our younger sister into taking her side. She's not the explosive, obviously toxic type that's easy to call out. She's the kind of person who makes herself look like the victim while doing quiet, consistent damage behind the scenes. That's almost harder to deal with because it makes you feel like you're going crazy. I explain to her how she hurts me & she’s the queen of DARVO & I’m told every time to get over it.

Here's the part that broke me.

I’m (25F) I have a chronic health condition. I'm not on the other side of it — I'm still in the thick of it. Still getting new lab results, still potentially facing more diagnoses, still in active treatment. This isn't something I talk about for sympathy. It's just my reality right now. She has seen my actual lab work. She knows exactly what I'm dealing with. And she and my younger sister have been telling people in our family that I'm making it up. Not because they're confused. Not because they misunderstood something. They know the truth and they're choosing to lie about it anyway.

That was it for me. But I want to be honest, this isn't just about that one thing. That was the last straw at the end of a very long road. I've made peace with cutting her off completely. What I haven't figured out is how to actually do it. My mental health and relationship cannot stay in this loop anymore.

For anyone who's been through something similar:
\\- Did you tell your parents upfront you wouldn't attend events where that person is present, or did you just decline as things came up?
\\- How did you have that conversation with your parents without making them feel like they had to choose sides?
\\- How did you handle it when the manipulative person was good at controlling the narrative and making others doubt you?

I'm not looking to be talked out of this. I've thought it through. I just want to hear from people who have actually been in the thick of family estrangement and come out the other side.

I need to start by saying this isn't a snap decision. This has been a long, painful year of watching someone I love choose to be cruel.

My older sister (30F) has spent the past year taking calculated digs at me, creating scenes at family gatherings, spreading false narratives about me to other family members, and manipulating our younger sister into taking her side. She's not the explosive, obviously toxic type that's easy to call out. She's the kind of person who makes herself look like the victim while doing quiet, consistent damage behind the scenes. That's almost harder to deal with because it makes you feel like you're going crazy. I explain to her how she hurts me & she’s the queen of DARVO & I’m told every time to get over it.

Here's the part that broke me.

I’m (25F) I have a chronic health condition. I'm not on the other side of it — I'm still in the thick of it. Still getting new lab results, still potentially facing more diagnoses, still in active treatment. This isn't something I talk about for sympathy. It's just my reality right now. She has seen my actual lab work. She knows exactly what I'm dealing with. And she and my younger sister have been telling people in our family that I'm making it up. Not because they're confused. Not because they misunderstood something. They know the truth and they're choosing to lie about it anyway.

That was it for me. But I want to be honest, this isn't just about that one thing. That was the last straw at the end of a very long road. I've made peace with cutting her off completely. What I haven't figured out is how to actually do it. My mental health and relationship cannot stay in this loop anymore.

For anyone who's been through something similar:
\- Did you tell your parents upfront you wouldn't attend events where that person is present, or did you just decline as things came up?
\- How did you have that conversation with your parents without making them feel like they had to choose sides?
\- How did you handle it when the manipulative person was good at controlling the narrative and making others doubt you?

I'm not looking to be talked out of this. I've thought it through. I just want to hear from people who have actually been in the thick of family estrangement and come out the other side.

I need to start by saying this isn't a snap decision. This has been a long, painful year of watching someone I love choose to be cruel.

My older sister (30F) has spent the past year taking calculated digs at me, creating scenes at family gatherings, spreading false narratives about me to other family members, and manipulating our younger sister into taking her side. She's not the explosive, obviously toxic type that's easy to call out. She's the kind of person who makes herself look like the victim while doing quiet, consistent damage behind the scenes. That's almost harder to deal with because it makes you feel like you're going crazy. I explain to her how she hurts me & she’s the queen of DARVO & I’m told every time to get over it.

Here's the part that broke me.

I’m (25F) I have a chronic health condition. I'm not on the other side of it — I'm still in the thick of it. Still getting new lab results, still potentially facing more diagnoses, still in active treatment. This isn't something I talk about for sympathy. It's just my reality right now. She has seen my actual lab work. She knows exactly what I'm dealing with. And she and my younger sister have been telling people in our family that I'm making it up. Not because they're confused. Not because they misunderstood something. They know the truth and they're choosing to lie about it anyway.

That was it for me. But I want to be honest, this isn't just about that one thing. That was the last straw at the end of a very long road. I've made peace with cutting her off completely. What I haven't figured out is how to actually do it. My mental health and relationship cannot stay in this loop anymore.

For anyone who's been through something similar:
- Did you tell your parents upfront you wouldn't attend events where that person is present, or did you just decline as things came up?
- How did you have that conversation with your parents without making them feel like they had to choose sides?
- How did you handle it when the manipulative person was good at controlling the narrative and making others doubt you?

I'm not looking to be talked out of this. I've thought it through. I just want to hear from people who have actually been in the thick of family estrangement and come out the other side.

Some background: my older sister went through a divorce about 18 months ago after an emotional affair with a coworker. I saw through it early on, which she never forgave me for. Since then she’s been consistently rude to me, creates false narratives about my behavior to our younger sister, and uses her to push me out whenever she can. There’s never any accountability, just oscillating between declaring me untrustworthy and demanding my emotional support in the same breath. The incidents keep adding up. Early in the divorce she had our younger sister hide a love letter from the affair partner, while they were still living together. A few weeks ago she showed up drunk to her ex’s house to confront his new girlfriend, dragged our 22-year-old sister along, and was a hungover mess the next day like nothing had happened.

The one that really got to me was Mother’s Day. I hosted the whole family while managing symptoms from a chronic blood disease, brain fog is real, and I was overwhelmed. I accidentally gave my nephew a single cheesy noodle. One noodle. She turned it into a scene in front of everyone, then falsely accused the hot dogs of having cheese in them too, implying I’d done it deliberately. He isn’t allergic, she just prefers he doesn’t eat dairy. I had bought non-dairy hot dogs specifically because I knew that. I just missed the noodle. Later in the same visit my nephew broke my phone and she was completely dismissive. My mom asked him to pick it up and my sister said, “we don’t do restitution when he’s tired.” She’s told me she wants me knowing nothing about her life because I’m “unsafe” and have to “earn” my place back. Then in the same conversation got upset that I didn’t take her side about the confrontation with her ex’s girlfriend. I had said “it’ll be okay, I’m sorry” and left it there. The goalposts never stop moving.

What hurts most is that neither she nor my younger sister has ever once acknowledged my health. Not once, in a year where it’s been genuinely bad. But they don’t hesitate to reach out and vent about their own situations when they need someone. I got engaged recently. I published my first book. Silence. The moment either of them needs support, I’m suddenly reachable again. I’ve told them many times how it makes me feel and they just say “I don’t care” or “get over it” She’s also slowly pulled my younger sister away from me. We were inseparable before my older sister moved nearby. Losing that friendship has been its own kind of grief, mourning someone who’s still alive.

The pattern is clear: she reaches out only when she needs something, rewrites history so she’s always the victim, and punishes anyone who won’t go along with it. I’m exhausted. I’m not looking to cut anyone off. I’ll still see her at family dinners and I genuinely want peace. But I don’t know how to hold a limit with someone who treats every boundary as an attack. Has anyone navigated something like this? How did you find your footing without blowing everything up? Am I overreacting?

Some background: my older sister went through a divorce about 18 months ago after an emotional affair with a coworker. I saw through it early on, which she never forgave me for. Since then she’s been consistently rude to me, creates false narratives about my behavior to our younger sister, and uses her to push me out whenever she can. There’s never any accountability, just oscillating between declaring me untrustworthy and demanding my emotional support in the same breath. The incidents keep adding up. Early in the divorce she had our younger sister hide a love letter from the affair partner, while they were still living together. A few weeks ago she showed up drunk to her ex’s house to confront his new girlfriend, dragged our 22-year-old sister along, and was a hungover mess the next day like nothing had happened.

The one that really got to me was Mother’s Day. I hosted the whole family while managing symptoms from a chronic blood disease, brain fog is real, and I was overwhelmed. I accidentally gave my nephew a single cheesy noodle. One noodle. She turned it into a scene in front of everyone, then falsely accused the hot dogs of having cheese in them too, implying I’d done it deliberately. He isn’t allergic, she just prefers he doesn’t eat dairy. I had bought non-dairy hot dogs specifically because I knew that. I just missed the noodle. Later in the same visit my nephew broke my phone and she was completely dismissive. My mom asked him to pick it up and my sister said, “we don’t do restitution when he’s tired.” She’s told me she wants me knowing nothing about her life because I’m “unsafe” and have to “earn” my place back. Then in the same conversation got upset that I didn’t take her side about the confrontation with her ex’s girlfriend. I had said “it’ll be okay, I’m sorry” and left it there. The goalposts never stop moving.

What hurts most is that neither she nor my younger sister has ever once acknowledged my health. Not once, in a year where it’s been genuinely bad. But they don’t hesitate to reach out and vent about their own situations when they need someone. I got engaged recently. I published my first book. Silence. The moment either of them needs support, I’m suddenly reachable again. I’ve told them many times how it makes me feel and they just say “I don’t care” or “get over it” She’s also slowly pulled my younger sister away from me. We were inseparable before my older sister moved nearby. Losing that friendship has been its own kind of grief, mourning someone who’s still alive.

The pattern is clear: she reaches out only when she needs something, rewrites history so she’s always the victim, and punishes anyone who won’t go along with it. I’m exhausted. I’m not looking to cut anyone off. I’ll still see her at family dinners and I genuinely want peace. But I don’t know how to hold a limit with someone who treats every boundary as an attack. Has anyone navigated something like this? How did you find your footing without blowing everything up?

Some background: my older sister went through a divorce about 18 months ago after an emotional affair with a coworker. I saw through it early on, which she never forgave me for. Since then she’s been consistently rude to me, creates false narratives about my behavior to our younger sister, and uses her to push me out whenever she can. There’s never any accountability, just oscillating between declaring me untrustworthy and demanding my emotional support in the same breath. The incidents keep adding up. Early in the divorce she had our younger sister hide a love letter from the affair partner, while they were still living together. A few weeks ago she showed up drunk to her ex’s house to confront his new girlfriend, dragged our 22-year-old sister along, and was a hungover mess the next day like nothing had happened.

The one that really got to me was Mother’s Day. I hosted the whole family while managing symptoms from a chronic blood disease, brain fog is real, and I was overwhelmed. I accidentally gave my nephew a single cheesy noodle. One noodle. She turned it into a scene in front of everyone, then falsely accused the hot dogs of having cheese in them too, implying I’d done it deliberately. He isn’t allergic, she just prefers he doesn’t eat dairy. I had bought non-dairy hot dogs specifically because I knew that. I just missed the noodle. Later in the same visit my nephew broke my phone and she was completely dismissive. My mom asked him to pick it up and my sister said, “we don’t do restitution when he’s tired.” She’s told me she wants me knowing nothing about her life because I’m “unsafe” and have to “earn” my place back. Then in the same conversation got upset that I didn’t take her side about the confrontation with her ex’s girlfriend. I had said “it’ll be okay, I’m sorry” and left it there. The goalposts never stop moving.

What hurts most is that neither she nor my younger sister has ever once acknowledged my health. Not once, in a year where it’s been genuinely bad. But they don’t hesitate to reach out and vent about their own situations when they need someone. I got engaged recently. I published my first book. Silence. The moment either of them needs support, I’m suddenly reachable again. I’ve told them many times how it makes me feel and they just say “I don’t care” or “get over it” She’s also slowly pulled my younger sister away from me. We were inseparable before my older sister moved nearby. Losing that friendship has been its own kind of grief, mourning someone who’s still alive.

The pattern is clear: she reaches out only when she needs something, rewrites history so she’s always the victim, and punishes anyone who won’t go along with it. I’m exhausted. I’m not looking to cut anyone off. I’ll still see her at family dinners and I genuinely want peace. But I don’t know how to hold a limit with someone who treats every boundary as an attack. Has anyone navigated something like this? How did you find your footing without blowing everything up?

Some background: my older sister went through a divorce about 18 months ago after an emotional affair with a coworker. I saw through it early on, which she never forgave me for. Since then she’s been consistently rude to me, creates false narratives about my behavior to our younger sister, and uses her to push me out whenever she can. There’s never any accountability, just oscillating between declaring me untrustworthy and demanding my emotional support in the same breath. The incidents keep adding up. Early in the divorce she had our younger sister hide a love letter from the affair partner, while they were still living together. A few weeks ago she showed up drunk to her ex’s house to confront his new girlfriend, dragged our 22-year-old sister along, and was a hungover mess the next day like nothing had happened.

The one that really got to me was Mother’s Day. I hosted the whole family while managing symptoms from a chronic blood disease, brain fog is real, and I was overwhelmed. I accidentally gave my nephew a single cheesy noodle. One noodle. She turned it into a scene in front of everyone, then falsely accused the hot dogs of having cheese in them too, implying I’d done it deliberately. He isn’t allergic, she just prefers he doesn’t eat dairy. I had bought non-dairy hot dogs specifically because I knew that. I just missed the noodle. Later in the same visit my nephew broke my phone and she was completely dismissive. My mom asked him to pick it up and my sister said, “we don’t do restitution when he’s tired.” She’s told me she wants me knowing nothing about her life because I’m “unsafe” and have to “earn” my place back. Then in the same conversation got upset that I didn’t take her side about the confrontation with her ex’s girlfriend. I had said “it’ll be okay, I’m sorry” and left it there. The goalposts never stop moving.

What hurts most is that neither she nor my younger sister has ever once acknowledged my health. Not once, in a year where it’s been genuinely bad. But they don’t hesitate to reach out and vent about their own situations when they need someone. I got engaged recently. I published my first book. Silence. The moment either of them needs support, I’m suddenly reachable again. I’ve told them many times how it makes me feel and they just say “I don’t care” or “get over it” She’s also slowly pulled my younger sister away from me. We were inseparable before my older sister moved nearby. Losing that friendship has been its own kind of grief, mourning someone who’s still alive.

The pattern is clear: she reaches out only when she needs something, rewrites history so she’s always the victim, and punishes anyone who won’t go along with it. I’m exhausted. I’m not looking to cut anyone off. I’ll still see her at family dinners and I genuinely want peace. But I don’t know how to hold a limit with someone who treats every boundary as an attack. Has anyone navigated something like this? How did you find your footing without blowing everything up?

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