u/Evil_waffle3

………. Well I actually need a therapist. But thats out of reach right now, so Ig this is the next best thing lol (And if anyone responds to this. Please refer to me as Caroline/Carol).

So about a month ago, I started to legitimately consider if I was transfem after a few conversations I had online. There were some clear signs before, but I usually brushed them aside as a symptom of depression/escapist fantasy stuff. In retrospect it sounds a lot like coping. because I really did not want it to be true, and I really didn’t believe that I could get that unlucky in life. But as time went on. it became harder and harder to ignore that, and I started running out of excuses before I gave up and accepted it………….. which was like a week or two ago. So you can probably assume there’s a lot of emotions going around. Albeit most of them are pretty overwhelmingly negative, with just the slightest twinge of euphoria that can pop up occasionally. Which I know isn’t exactly something that only I have dealt with, and it’s probably a universal feeling for most of us. But I wasn’t expecting to just outright collapse like I have lately.

Yeah so it turns out that euphoria period felt as good as it did partly because it made me focus on something different from what was eating away at me before. To keep it as brief as possible.

I’m depressed,

I have a severe ADHD.

I’m homeschooled and behind educationally.

I have a malapadative daydreaming problem that came from being homeschooled/being immensely lonely.

I feel very socially stunted, and I’ve sorta found comfort in my own misery and keep choosing that path of least resistance. Which essentially keeps me even more behind/stunted.

Very passively suicidal.

………… now add being trans, and all the shit that comes with it (being too broad shouldered, nit being able to start HRT while puberty is almost over, burning bridges with my family, etc) to that pile, and it should become clear why I was so desperate for it to just be a phase.

It really does feel hopeless for me. I’m not even mad at myself for being like this. I got really fucking unlucky, and there’s only so much I can do it this situation. I don’t want to hand wave away the stuff I’ve likely done to make it worse. but it never felt like I had control over anything (including my own gender now). And anytime I try and do something about it ultimately ends with me in the exact same spot. because I can’t seem to ever actually commit to something to anything (try forming habits when you’ve spent your whole life in an isolated and unregulated ADHD paradise lol). At a certain point it feels like I’m inevitably going to be a basement dweller/homeless person who never achieved anything, and will eventually throw themselves off a bridge or smth (kind morbid I know).

I usually write far better than this. But I kinda needed to put a shitty rant out just to make myself feel better. I’m turning seventeen soon, and birthdays always put me in this kind of mood lol.

(16 turning 17 next month, I’ve been experimenting with names so if you could call me Caroline/Carol, that would be great).

I’m probably not alone in this. But I’m starting to enter the phase where I’m now grasping at straws trying to avoid this being a reality. I went from barely thinking about this at all, to having it become a very important topic for me in the span of like a month. Never had any immediate signs before puberty, and really the whole concept of gender was something I was largely ambivalent towards. Looking back, there could be some obvious signs. But again those can be swept away as a result of puberty or whatever else was going on with me at the time (I have ADHD, depression, mildly on the spectrum, and I’ve been homeschooled my entire life. So it’s hard to pinpoint what causes any given issue lol).

But then that aforementioned one month ago happened and I’ve been a mess since then. To keep it short so I can talk about the actually important stuff. I flirted with the idea of being a chick for about a year and hanged out in spaces like r/countwithchickenlady and whatnot. There was a sorta funny post about about some games I’ve played and I made a short joke comment about how I would fit the exact stereotype if I was trans. A few comments happen, one thing leads to another and I let out a comment that I always fantasize myself as a woman, and that I’d absolutely do it if I could pass well and suffer none of the consequences (starting to realize how obvious I probably was). And it’s met with a comment that has not left me since reading it.

“So in that ending paragraph…… I’m sorry, but you’re trans. There is no way to say something like that without being trans“.

This fucking ruined me dude. And as it kept going, I kept running out of reasons against being trans. I suddenly started getting deep envy around most women, I started worrying about puberty coming to an end, and now it’s this all consuming thought in my head that I can’t stop thinking about. But I don’t want it to be true. I felt euphoric for about a week before I realized what this actually meant.…….. And it’s not fun. In fact it’s just another problem on top of a comedic amount of problems I’ve had to deal with (those aforementioned mental illnesses and educational neglect). I know it’s probably true, and I know I can’t just ignore it now that it’s out of the bag. But I’m clinging to the slightest bit of hope that I’m not. And I want a second opinion on of these are legit or not.

Feel free to call this cope if it sounds like it. But I’m worried that I’ve simply romanticized the idea of being a woman, and that I’m not viewing the actual reality of the world. A sort of “grass is greener on the other side” thing I might have conjured up to cope with my mental illnesses, fear of my future, some lingering affects from the few years where I was borderline suicidal. When I think about being a woman. I think about being happy, finally getting to wear a sundress/dresses, finding a cool gf, getting the hair style I’ve always wanted, fixing my face, and just generally being a more optimistic/kinder person. It’s all surface level stuff I’m afraid, and it’s obviously not the reality of being a woman. And I’m worried I’ve crafted this escapist fantasy for myself. I never see myself as a grandma or anything like that. And that’s probably not a good sign right?

I’m desperate for an answer. Or even just someone to talk to about this.

I’m usually really depressed when I write stuff like this. But I’m trying to be a little more pragmatic and just the tiniest bit more optimistic about this. Had a conversation with someone on Reddit today about a different topic, that made me realize how miserable I tend to write about some admittedly bad things going on in my life. So I’m going to try and switch it up just a bit.

That being said…….. There’s a lot going wrong. So much so that it’s really hard to summarize without writing an entire introspection about myself. Quickest way I can describe it without getting into nuances is this: I have a severe ADHD, I’ve been suffering with depression for most of life, and I’ve been homeschooled and had both symptoms run unopposed and without any support. Meaning I’m behind educationally and almost unable to actually learn anything. Can’t focus, can’t retain anything, can’t apply any skills to my daily life, and I can barely even do any of it without procrastinating for months on end. Throw in a lack of a social life/friends, and some very recent thoughts about a subject that’s maybe not the safest to discuss here (y’all seem chill. I’m just naturally cautious about it). And it creates this sort of Molotov cocktail of mental illness that has crippled me for most of my life.

To drop the analogies and stuff for a second. I’m scared. Next month I turn seventeen and a new school year starts. The real world is rapidly approaching and the consequences of year and years of failure/task paralysis are going to catch up to me. And despite how much I actively want to do better. I end up in the same place because the things stopping me are things I can’t control. What I need is therapy/medication to actually fix this. But with that not available at the moment (I have a post I can link that explains why if you’re curious), I have to do better on my own.

But again, I’m trying to tackle this in a different manner than how I usually do. I’m trying to think of it less like “this is horrible and I should KMS”. And more “I need to do better” if that makes sense. I’m not a bad person like I used to think I was.………. But I’m still a hassle, and I still get why I’m maybe too much of a mess to ever truly work. But I at least want to try.

I want to be able to focus, I want to get a job, I want to finally learn to draw, I want to be able to write well, I want to start gaining independence, and I want to finally be happy (I’m so exhausted being a constantly tired, borderline suicidal nobody of a person). Right now I have to focus on getting like 100+ pages of math done by the end of this month. But goddamnit I just want to feel alive. As corny as that sounds.

(I wrote all of this because of a conversation on fucking r/countwithchickenlady, and my struggles to work up the courage to ask an online friend to play Big Walk with me lol. Life’s funny like that sometimes ib).

(I posted this elsewhere. but I’m kinda in a flunk because my irl parents brushed aside my issues and I’m kinda desperate right now).

Should probably start this by saying I’m a swimmer. In fact I’m a pretty damn good swimmer to the point where I’ve been completed about this multiple times (apparently I have a good form/build for it). I don’t do it competitively or anything. but it’s something I like to do from time to time, and it’s something I’m never really anxious about as long as I can see the bottom. It’s something called Thalassophobia, and it’s fairly easy to work around because I’m not going in deep murky bodies of water often. Only time it’s really been put to the test has been in this camping group I’m apart of. As obviously there will be some situations where that is the primary thing we’re doing………. And I’m really bad at handling it………. And we’re going on a trip in a few days that involves lake swimming as an activity.

I’m really lucky to have my anxiety only get intense during very specific things. But I’m an absolute wreck when those happen, and I already had a few incidents relating to this before (had a breakdown before a rafting trip, and I had an awful experience relating to diving in the very lake I’m worried about rn about that made me physically sick). At this point everyone in this group (and likely everyone I know unfortunately) has seen me completely unravel in one way or another, and it’s so fucking embarrassing for me. In part because it’s obviously embarrassing to have an outburst in public. and because I have depression and tend to fall into self loathing/feeling like shit for the rest of the day/week.

I was able to skirt by last time without much embarrassment because I had someone I knew decently well who also couldn’t go because of an injury (And because I had shit to do the entire week to distract myself from it). Didn’t make it less embarrassing, but it at least went down easier. This year? I’m like going to be the only person who’s not gonna do the test and it’s been eating away at me for the last few days. Maybe it’d go down better if i was an adult and was doing this with other adults. But I’m a sixteen year old surrounded by other sixteen year old/people far younger. And I’m gonna be the only one who won’t do it.

Unfortunately the only options are to do it or don’t. Idk what advice I’m expected to get from here is, because there’s frankly only to options here and one of them is completely off the table (even If I can physically do it). Ig I just want someone to hear me vent about this because I haven’t formally discussed it with anyone else :/

I would appreciate anything

Should probably start this by saying I’m a swimmer. In fact I’m a pretty damn good swimmer to the point where I’ve been completed about this multiple times (apparently I have a good form/build for it). I don’t do it competitively or anything. but it’s something I like to do from time to time, and it’s something I’m never really anxious about as long as I can see the bottom. It’s something called Thalassophobia, and it’s fairly easy to work around because I’m not going in deep murky bodies of water often. Only time it’s really been put to the test has been in this camping group I’m apart of. As obviously there will be some situations where that is the primary thing we’re doing………. And I’m really bad at handling it………. And we’re going on a trip in a few days that involves lake swimming as an activity.

I’m really lucky to have my anxiety only get intense during very specific things. But I’m an absolute wreck when those happen, and I already had a few incidents relating to this before (had a breakdown before a rafting trip, and I had an awful experience relating to diving in the very lake I’m worried about rn about that made me physically sick). At this point everyone in this group (and likely everyone I know unfortunately) has seen me completely unravel in one way or another, and it’s so fucking embarrassing for me. In part because it’s obviously embarrassing to have an outburst in public. and because I have depression and tend to fall into self loathing/feeling like shit for the rest of the day/week.

I was able to skirt by last time without much embarrassment because I had someone I knew decently well who also couldn’t go because of an injury (And because I had shit to do the entire week to distract myself from it). Didn’t make it less embarrassing, but it at least went down easier. This year? I’m like going to be the only person who’s not gonna do the test and it’s been eating away at me for the last few days. Maybe it’d go down better if i was an adult and was doing this with other adults. But I’m a sixteen year old surrounded by other sixteen year old/people far younger. And I’m gonna be the only one who won’t do it.

Unfortunately the only options are to do it or don’t. Idk what advice I’m expected to get from here is, because there’s frankly only to options here and one of them is completely off the table (even If I can physically do it). Ig I just want someone to hear me vent about this because I haven’t formally discussed it with anyone else :/

I would appreciate anything.

Should probably start this by saying I’m a swimmer. In fact I’m a pretty damn good swimmer to the point where I’ve been completed about this multiple times (apparently I have a good form/build for it). I don’t do it competitively or anything. but it’s something I like to do from time to time, and it’s something I’m never really anxious about as long as I can see the bottom. It’s something called Thalassophobia, and it’s fairly easy to work around because I’m not going in deep murky bodies of water often. Only time it’s really been put to the test has been in this camping group I’m apart of. As obviously there will be some situations where that is the primary thing we’re doing………. And I’m really bad at handling it………. And we’re going on a trip in a few days that involves lake swimming as an activity.

I’m really lucky to have my anxiety only get intense during very specific things. But I’m an absolute wreck when those happen, and I already had a few incidents relating to this before (had a breakdown before a rafting trip, and I had an awful experience relating to diving in the very lake I’m worried about rn about that made me physically sick). At this point everyone in this group (and likely everyone I know unfortunately) has seen me completely unravel in one way or another, and it’s so fucking embarrassing for me. In part because it’s obviously embarrassing to have an outburst in public. and because I have depression and tend to fall into self loathing/feeling like shit for the rest of the day/week.

I was able to skirt by last time without much embarrassment because I had someone I knew decently well who also couldn’t go because of an injury (And because I had shit to do the entire week to distract myself from it). Didn’t make it less embarrassing, but it at least went down easier. This year? I’m like going to be the only person who’s not gonna do the test and it’s been eating away at me for the last few days. Maybe it’d go down better if i was an adult and was doing this with other adults. But I’m a sixteen year old surrounded by other sixteen year old/people far younger. And I’m gonna be the only one who won’t do it.

Unfortunately the only options are to do it or don’t. Idk what advice I’m expected to get from here is, because there’s frankly only to options here and one of them is completely off the table (even If I can physically do it). Ig I just want someone to hear me vent about this because I haven’t formally discussed it with anyone else :/

I would appreciate anything.

Yes there are two lol. One of them is called Dissident Cinema and is more of a coffee table style book that goes through all of his films (not too different from the Spielberg book that I really enjoyed). The other is the Parasite storyboard novel. Which goes through the story boarding/creative process behind Parasite.

I’m definitely more interested in the Parasite one. But I’m mixed on which one I want to get myself, and which one I should ask for the person doing our groups early Christmas shopping (I already have a lot of books on there). So if anyone has read either, I’d love to hear what y’all thought about them.

Also might be off topic. But what books would y’all recommend to someone trying to get into literature, who’s also a massive fan of science fiction (I already own all six dune books, and have the Three body problem trilogy and Roadside picnic on that aforementioned early holiday shopping list).

I usually write something that goes deeper into what I’m going through. But I’m not in the mood to write a bunch, and frankly. I have no new ground to cover. I’m just desperate for any kind of support/interaction, because I feel like I’m spiraling to the point where ending it all is a reoccurring idea in my mind (albeit not something I’m likely to act upon at this point).

I can link a few posts I’ve made before if anyone wants more context.

Also if anyone knows of any support group/crisis line that uses text (and preferably is its own site and not something that uses the phones messaging app). that’d be amazing.

This is going to be a little more light hearted than my usual posts on here.

I just got done with a long ass conversation that spanned like an hour and a half on the way to and from a place we were going to. We were talking about a movie we were supposed to see tonight (backrooms, and a light discussion about the upcoming resident evil movie). Few minutes into the conversation he brought up how was hopeful that AI would allow for more people to get big like the director for that movie (Zack cregger) did recently. I’m pretty staunchly against AI and we’d had multiple discussions Before about how much I disliked it being in film. Ultimately it resulted in a normal back and forth with the same talking points you’d probably expect……… Then on the way back it got weird.

I’ll try and keep it short because nobody wants to hear an argument between two annoying people. But the point I made that made the whole thing weird was essentially saying “one person trying to do everything in the filmmaking process is a stupid idea”. This set off a weird chain of Events that involved bringing up Picasso, the idea that a director apparently has a complete vision in their head that they simply tell others to do with no room for input/critique, and this weird notion that there’s at least someone out there who can do eveyrthing in the film making process and will be the AI equivalent to James Cameron/Speilberg. Idk why the idea that critique/second opinions are necessary for good art to be made was such a tone shifting point. But it lead to one of the most annoying conversations I’ve ever had in my life lol. Dude legit called me a dumbass for some reason (albeit he apologized later).

I’m kinda done trying to change his opinion because he’s way too entrenched into the idea of AI in general. I’m just sick of having to put up with it so much. Like talking about my favorite hobbies(film/indie games) is like walking into a mine filed. But it’s a little sad knowing that he sees me as this stubborn Luddite that rejects change and stuff.

So Ig I’m asking how I can make it go down easier. Not to sit back and let him roll over for out of fear of conflict. Just how to work around someone who gets entrenched in certain ideas and sees them as fact ( I actually brought this up to him. And we ha a nice conversation about it at least). Idk if anyone has been in a similar position, but I’d like so imput on how to go about it.

Also would like to add that I’m kinda a hard ass sometimes. I think I have my mind in the right place (planing on getting big into activism when I’m older. And I generally think I make good points). But I really don’t have a lot of knowledge on how to debate, so I can oftentimes come off as overly defensive/dickish to someone (At least I don’t just talk over someone and call that “debate” lol).

Apologies if I post way too often here (and in other support subs). Kinda feel like I’m repeating myself some times. But I don’t have any other outlet to discuss shit :/

That being said. I’m in a really bad spot rn, and I’m legitimately worried that I’m pushing myself over the edge after years of being severely depressed. I’m not likely to act on any of it, but I’ve been feeling a lot more passively suicidal lately (usually it’s just a weird coping mechanism I use. But right now it feels a lot worse). Idk what I plan to do with this post. But venting is at least a somewhat healthy thing to do.

I kinda knew that I’d get more depressed during graduation season, just because it’s something I’ll never get to do. And it serves to remind me of just how far behind I really feel compared to everyone else. But I was then told that I’m doing online school next year. Which I was initially excited for. Not needing to teach myself, being an in environment with at least some interaction, and like a legit education type education……. But it set in pretty quickly how I’m probably fucked because of this.

Simply put. I have a severe ADHD. And I’ve had to deal with it in an environment where I could easily procrastinate work and generally skip anything that I struggled with (should also mention that I always felt really stupid. So the idea of doing work just made me feel like shit/anxious. Especially in regards to writing. Which made skipping work even easier). I don’t even blame myself for this because what was I supposed to even do? Giving a child with ADHD an easy way to skip work was inevitably going to lead to extreme procrastination, and the child being behind (especially when you add on a pretty severe depression that hit around the ages of eleven/twelve). Now this person is getting thrown into actual school. And I can’t see how it doesn’t end in complete disaster.

I’m genuinely just not ready. I’ve always wanted to learn and be a good student (literally most of my depression is because I feel like an incompetent dumbass). Me ending up as a failure wasn’t from a like of trying at least. I just didn’t have the proper resources to deal with my mental illness. I should do fine in this environment. But I’m going to collapse immediately because I’m so far behind/incapable of following deadlines, monotony, and any of the standard expectations for a high school student. Add onto that a ton of anxiety regarding my writing skills (I’m fucking awful at it. And I’m scared to see what would happen fi someone was to actually grade it). I’m going to fail, and it’s making me spiral even further into depression/suicidal thoughts.

Genuinely why was I born this way. It legitimately feels like I was destined to be a failure who ends it all in their mid twenties. I don’t want it to end like that. But I seemingly can’t control anything, so thats most likely where I’m heading.

Apologies if I post way too often here (and in other support subs). Kinda feel like I’m repeating myself some times. But I don’t have any other outlet to discuss shit :/

That being said. I’m in a really bad spot rn, and I’m legitimately worried that I’m pushing myself over the edge after years of being severely depressed. I’m not likely to act on any of it, but I’ve been feeling a lot more passively suicidal lately (usually it’s just a weird coping mechanism I use. But right now it feels a lot worse). Idk what I plan to do with this post. But venting is at least a somewhat healthy thing to do.

I kinda knew that I’d get more depressed during graduation season, just because it’s something I’ll never get to do. And it serves to remind me of just how far behind I really feel compared to everyone else. But I was then told that I’m doing online school next year. Which I was initially excited for. Not needing to teach myself, being an in environment with at least some interaction, and like a legit education type education……. But it set in pretty quickly how I’m probably fucked because of this.

Simply put. I have a severe ADHD. And I’ve had to deal with it in an environment where I could easily procrastinate work and generally skip anything that I struggled with (should also mention that I always felt really stupid. So the idea of doing work just made me feel like shit/anxious. Especially in regards to writing. Which made skipping work even easier). I don’t even blame myself for this because what was I supposed to even do? Giving a child with ADHD an easy way to skip work was inevitably going to lead to extreme procrastination, and the child being behind (especially when you add on a pretty severe depression that hit around the ages of eleven/twelve). Now this person is getting thrown into actual school. And I can’t see how it doesn’t end in complete disaster.

I’m genuinely just not ready. I’ve always wanted to learn and be a good student (literally most of my depression is because I feel like an incompetent dumbass). Me ending up as a failure wasn’t from a like of trying at least. I just didn’t have the proper resources to deal with my mental illness. I should do fine in this environment. But I’m going to collapse immediately because I’m so far behind/incapable of following deadlines, monotony, and any of the standard expectations for a high school student. Add onto that a ton of anxiety regarding my writing skills (I’m fucking awful at it. And I’m scared to see what would happen fi someone was to actually grade it). I’m going to fail, and it’s making me spiral even further into depression/suicidal thoughts.

Genuinely why was I born this way. It legitimately feels like I was destined to be a failure who ends it all in their mid twenties. I don’t want it to end like that. But I seemingly can’t control anything, so thats most likely where I’m heading.

Ik I post a lot on this sub, and I sometimes feel like I’m repeating myself whenever I make one of these. So Apologies if I’m spamming this sub or something.

That being said. I’m in a really bad spot rn, and I’m legitimately worried that I’m pushing myself over the edge after years of being severely depressed. I’m not likely to act on any of it, but I’ve been feeling a lot more passively suicidal lately (usually it’s just a weird coping mechanism I use. But right now it feels a lot worse). Idk what I plan to do with this post. But venting is at least a somewhat healthy thing to do.

I kinda knew that I’d get more depressed during graduation season, just because it’s something I’ll never get to do. And it serves to remind me of just how far behind I really feel compared to everyone else. But I was then told that I’m doing online school next year. Which I was initially excited for. Not needing to teach myself, being an in environment with at least some interaction, and like a legit education type education……. But it set in pretty quickly how I’m probably fucked because of this.

Simply put. I have a severe ADHD. And I’ve had to deal with it in an environment where I could easily procrastinate work and generally skip anything that I struggled with (should also mention that I always felt really stupid. So the idea of doing work just made me feel like shit/anxious. Especially in regards to writing. Which made skipping work even easier). I don’t even blame myself for this because what was I supposed to even do? Giving a child with ADHD an easy way to skip work was inevitably going to lead to extreme procrastination, and the child being behind (especially when you add on a pretty severe depression that hit around the ages of eleven/twelve). Now this person is getting thrown into actual school. And I can’t see how it doesn’t end in complete disaster.

I’m genuinely just not ready. I’ve always wanted to learn and be a good student (literally most of my depression is because I feel like an incompetent dumbass). Me ending up as a failure wasn’t from a like of trying at least. I just didn’t have the proper resources to deal with my mental illness. I should do fine in this environment. But I’m going to collapse immediately because I’m so far behind/incapable of following deadlines, monotony, and any of the standard expectations for a high school student. Add onto that a ton of anxiety regarding my writing skills (I’m fucking awful at it. And I’m scared to see what would happen fi someone was to actually grade it). I’m going to fail, and it’s making me spiral even further into depression/suicidal thoughts.

Genuinely why was I born this way. It legitimately feels like I was destined to be a failure who ends it all in their mid twenties. I don’t want it to end like that. But I seemingly can’t control anything, so thats most likely where I’m heading.

Sorry if this is going to a a little rushed. I’m processing a lot of shit at once and I just need to get something out.

He’s been completely normal for my entire life. Like even in highly stressful situations he remained calm and level headed. But over the past week he made something (going to be really vague because it is actually something with potential), and it completely broke him. Like he was over excited, he was constantly working on it, he’d try and explain how/why he was doing it. And it was a little off putting, but I knew why he was as excited as he was ( He always was fond of those larger than life figures, and felt like this was his shot to be one of those). And he was able to mellow out after the initial development phase, and apologized if he went too overboard. So like it was weird, and i didn’t like it (in part because of my own moral disagreements with said product). But I wasn’t really worried.

But like ten/fifteen minutes ago he just started losing it. Not violently or anything. But he couldn’t stand still, he kept yapping about his way of thinking, I heard something about simulations, he was super paranoid (talking about stuff like newspapers/polaroids?). And was overall just acting really uncontrollable. I didn’t get the full conversation because I left to go downstairs. But like idk what to even think rn. He’s never done this before, and it happened so suddenly. Like whatever it was he was doing just enabled something inside him. It’s just a lot man.

I just need someone to talk to about this.

I’m tired. I was literally set up for failure, and I don’t see how I can ever turn my life around in a way where I’ll ever actually be happy. Idk if I’d say I’m suicidal, but some days it really feels like it’s the inevitable endpoint I’m going to get to eventually (I’m not actively suicidal rn. but it appears often enough where I’m worried).

To put it simply. I’m dealing with a severe ADHD/depression, and the symptoms that come with those (task paralysis, malapadative daydreaming, general fatigue, procrastination, etc). It’s only something I connected the dots to a few years back. For most of my life I just assumed I was an incompetent person who put too much pressure on themselves to be “good” at everything. But once I learned about what the actual symptoms of ADHD were, it sorta snowballed from there and started to make more sense. Ig I can give myself some credit for figuring all of this out on my own lol.

Unfortunately though. It doesn’t really make a difference to the root cause of why I’m as messy as I currently am. Context is great and all. but it means next to nothing in an environment where you’re simultaneously unmedicated, and largely left to your own devices educationally. It ultimately just serves as a reasoning to why you ended up a failure……… Which I am. And now there’s consequences to that and it’s legitimately terrifying to me.

I really don’t blame myself for the situation I’m in. But it doesn’t change the fact that I procrastinate almost the entire school year, and at best did half the work. I knew the entire time that I was making a mistake (I actually made a post here a few months ago where I was panicking that I skipped a day, because I was worried about it ruining the entire year), but I couldn’t physically get myself to do it. And during the occasionally times I did. I got overwhelmed by how behind I was and fell back into procrastinating. Again I don’t blame myself for this. I’m unmedicated, and was left to educate myself with two disorders that make focusing/committing to something a nightmare. Best I could do was keep making posts abiut my situation in the hopes that somehow that would fix anything (I really appreciated the support given. But I’m just incapable at actually committing to anything.)

The worst part is. I don’t think I’m actually that dumb on a fundamental level. At least in the sense that I actively wanted to be smart, and tried to do what I could to do so. I’m decently well versed in media literacy/politics. And I desperately wanted to get good at writing (I had something going for a bit until I had to wirte a 1,000+ word essay abiut a topic I didn’t give a shit about, and it just kinda spiraled from there). If thing were just the slightest bit different I could have been comfortable with myself in that regard. Instead I can’t even think about college without also thinking about suicide (I put so much of my self worth into being at least competent. And since the age of like ten I equated college with being skilled. So failing that would completely ruin me). I know it’s unhealthy how much of my self worth is tied to skill level. But I’ve felt incompetent for basically my entire life, and I don’t have much else going for me. So it’s kinda just baked into me at this point.

I’m going to stop yapping know, because I’m really tired rn (it’s 1:30 AM at the time of writing this). If any of y’all want more context I’d be happy to go deeper into any specific topic. Also apologies for the poor writing. I’m not particularly good at it, and tend to just throw every idea out at once without any specific plan. It’s a problem I’m working to overcome.