u/Evil_waffle3

Sorry if this is going to a a little rushed. I’m processing a lot of shit at once and I just need to get something out.

He’s been completely normal for my entire life. Like even in highly stressful situations he remained calm and level headed. But over the past week he made something (going to be really vague because it is actually something with potential), and it completely broke him. Like he was over excited, he was constantly working on it, he’d try and explain how/why he was doing it. And it was a little off putting, but I knew why he was as excited as he was ( He always was fond of those larger than life figures, and felt like this was his shot to be one of those). And he was able to mellow out after the initial development phase, and apologized if he went too overboard. So like it was weird, and i didn’t like it (in part because of my own moral disagreements with said product). But I wasn’t really worried.

But like ten/fifteen minutes ago he just started losing it. Not violently or anything. But he couldn’t stand still, he kept yapping about his way of thinking, I heard something about simulations, he was super paranoid (talking about stuff like newspapers/polaroids?). And was overall just acting really uncontrollable. I didn’t get the full conversation because I left to go downstairs. But like idk what to even think rn. He’s never done this before, and it happened so suddenly. Like whatever it was he was doing just enabled something inside him. It’s just a lot man.

I just need someone to talk to about this.

I’m tired. I was literally set up for failure, and I don’t see how I can ever turn my life around in a way where I’ll ever actually be happy. Idk if I’d say I’m suicidal, but some days it really feels like it’s the inevitable endpoint I’m going to get to eventually (I’m not actively suicidal rn. but it appears often enough where I’m worried).

To put it simply. I’m dealing with a severe ADHD/depression, and the symptoms that come with those (task paralysis, malapadative daydreaming, general fatigue, procrastination, etc). It’s only something I connected the dots to a few years back. For most of my life I just assumed I was an incompetent person who put too much pressure on themselves to be “good” at everything. But once I learned about what the actual symptoms of ADHD were, it sorta snowballed from there and started to make more sense. Ig I can give myself some credit for figuring all of this out on my own lol.

Unfortunately though. It doesn’t really make a difference to the root cause of why I’m as messy as I currently am. Context is great and all. but it means next to nothing in an environment where you’re simultaneously unmedicated, and largely left to your own devices educationally. It ultimately just serves as a reasoning to why you ended up a failure……… Which I am. And now there’s consequences to that and it’s legitimately terrifying to me.

I really don’t blame myself for the situation I’m in. But it doesn’t change the fact that I procrastinate almost the entire school year, and at best did half the work. I knew the entire time that I was making a mistake (I actually made a post here a few months ago where I was panicking that I skipped a day, because I was worried about it ruining the entire year), but I couldn’t physically get myself to do it. And during the occasionally times I did. I got overwhelmed by how behind I was and fell back into procrastinating. Again I don’t blame myself for this. I’m unmedicated, and was left to educate myself with two disorders that make focusing/committing to something a nightmare. Best I could do was keep making posts abiut my situation in the hopes that somehow that would fix anything (I really appreciated the support given. But I’m just incapable at actually committing to anything.)

The worst part is. I don’t think I’m actually that dumb on a fundamental level. At least in the sense that I actively wanted to be smart, and tried to do what I could to do so. I’m decently well versed in media literacy/politics. And I desperately wanted to get good at writing (I had something going for a bit until I had to wirte a 1,000+ word essay abiut a topic I didn’t give a shit about, and it just kinda spiraled from there). If thing were just the slightest bit different I could have been comfortable with myself in that regard. Instead I can’t even think about college without also thinking about suicide (I put so much of my self worth into being at least competent. And since the age of like ten I equated college with being skilled. So failing that would completely ruin me). I know it’s unhealthy how much of my self worth is tied to skill level. But I’ve felt incompetent for basically my entire life, and I don’t have much else going for me. So it’s kinda just baked into me at this point.

I’m going to stop yapping know, because I’m really tired rn (it’s 1:30 AM at the time of writing this). If any of y’all want more context I’d be happy to go deeper into any specific topic. Also apologies for the poor writing. I’m not particularly good at it, and tend to just throw every idea out at once without any specific plan. It’s a problem I’m working to overcome.