u/Far-Spread-6108

And it's getting REALLY fkn OLD.

No, unfortunately I cannot close the account because I have a WF personal loan tied to the checking account the debit card uses.

My debit card is not the only card I use. I also have a Prime credit card that I generally use for most purchases. For smaller day to day trips I'll use the debit card.

It's ALWAYS fraudulent Walmart.com transactions too. I don't even use Walmart.com and rarely visit a Walmart.

I tested it out and used my Prime card at Walmart, and went to Walmart more often, to see if that's where it was coming from. If there were scrapers the Prime card should have been compromised too. It wasn't.

I used my Prime card exclusively for about 2 months. Nothing happened.

Then, 2 weeks after I started using my WF debit again, MORE fraudulent transactions from Walmart.com.

Also, I don't get any notifications of any kind they're happening. I just open my app and find them. Sometimes they get automatically reversed so they clearly KNOW they're fraudulent, but do they tell me? No.

I'm really over it.

As of this moment I killed my last WF debit because it happened AGAIN, ordered a new one, turned it off, and plan to never activate it and cut it up when it arrives. I've switched everything over to my Prime card, which I didn't really want to do because I would like a card linked to my checking, but this is BS.

Why the WF card and never any other?

Mainly for the men but only because I'm a woman who is attracted to men.

I've felt for a while I'm done with "dating". Never say never I guess, and something could happen that might change my mind, but right now it's not in the plans. There's no "I'll look for someone after X" or "I just need a little break from it".

Too many games, too much bullshit, ghosting, cowards, it was just making me feel awful about myself. One or two or even a few I can totally "not take it personally". But when it's every damn one? To where the last guy I SWORE was into me so I asked him out left the message on read, never spoke to me again, and now avoids me like the plague?

Gee sorry I'm so disgusting that the idea of a coffee with me makes you want to leave planet earth.

So then I wondered what I was even DOING it for. Did I really want a *boyfriend*? Like honest talk with myself time.

I didn't. I don't. Not really. In fact it sounds exhausting and suffocating. I guess I got stuck in the mindset of I *should* want this so I'm going to try to find this.

I wanted something. Just not that.

There's been a guy I met organically on IG. We're states apart currently, but he's originally from 3 hrs away from me and still has family and friends here.

We talked some and seemed to vibe but I just..... really enjoyed chatting with him. There was some light banter and maybe-flirting if you squint, but hard to say. He was just fun to text with and share memes about our common interest.

He mentioned he's visiting my state in September.

Oh, cool! I'm so oblivious sometimes.

Well, talking turned to not needing to squint, definitely flirting, and then much more.

He made it clear that if we meet, it's just a vibe check, a drink or two to get comfortable with each other and confirm this is where we both want it to go, and then hook up.

And I was, much to my own surprise, totally ok with that. He was respectful about it, not trashy. It was just clear communication as to where he was and what he could provide, and made a suggestion.

I wouldn't date him anyway. He's 33 and states away. We have a lot in common but he's also 33 - we're going to want different things and a relationship wouldn't work. Plus, there's the distance.

He says he likes older women and has been with us before, I've never been with a considerably younger man but I'm willing to give it a go. I've found men my age to be lacking ambition, energy and libido in general anyway.

He's mid 30s. Not mid 20s. He's been married, has 2 kids. He can definitely know his own mind. If he has a preference for older, then he knows what he wants. I didn't feel fetishized and I'm not fetishizing him. I've just never been with anyone that much younger.

Point is, he was up front. He didn't make fake promises of a relationship. He didn't get into something he didn't actually want and then disappear. He's looking for a casual sexual encounter with someone who meets a preference he has, so that's what he asked for. No bullshit, games, ghosting, weirdness. Just "Hey you seem to be responding in kind, ao here's what I would like. Is that something you'd be interested in?"

And I said yes, pending vibe check/short hangout.

Because I AM interested in that. It sounds exciting and fun.

Of course, some people won't be. I could have just as well said no, you're actually a stranger. No, I'm looking for a committed relationship. No, you're not my type. No, you're too young for me.

The odds were actually better I was going to say no. But *he still asked*.

And I didn't say no.

What's nice is, I actually feel *wanted* by him. Turns out, I wasn't actually unattractive the whole time. He mentioned he was initially drawn in my my humor and intellect. It wasn't me. Not everyone os going to be attracted to me, of course they're not. Because that's not reality. But he's just proven it's *possible* for someone to want me.

So, guys (and women too) ASK. Don't be classless and crass about it, but if you want something casual, then *ask for that*. State that. The people who DO want something serious (which is obviously completely ok too) will just move along. "Oh, he's only looking for a casual relationship. That's not what I want". True, you still have to read the room some, and you'll still have to "invest time" in meeting someone, but I promise us ladies who are just tried of it all but still want some male companionship and sex now and again are out here.

What we DON'T want is fake relationships and thinking we're in one and then wondering why you won't act like a partner when that was NEVER what you wanted. Odds were good that you'd find someone who'd have done it anyway WITHOUT being lied to.

(Yes, I do know how to navigate this safely, and yes, my DMs are off because I know what a post like this would get, so don't try - I need to know SOMETHING about someone in order to be interested or attracted)

tl;dr Turned out I was looking for what I thought I should want instead of what I actually wanted. And men, if you want something casual, even a one time or very occasional meet up, just be up front about that - there's women who will be interested in the same. No need to lie, play games, lead people on, or engage and then run away. Just ask. You'll hear nos, but you'll also get yesses.

Disclaimer 1: I am on HRT.

Disclaimer 2: Yes, I know it's not all men.

Disclaimer 3: Yes, I know men also experience a hormonal decline/change with age.

That said, it's come up on this sub and others and I overheard a conversation between 2 men in the wild tonight and it's gotten a bit under my skin.

"Just get her on HRT".

First of all - in what universe is it acceptable for any adult to "drag" any other competent adult into the doctor and say "Give them this"??? The answer, for those playing along at home: never.

Second, there's more to HRT than just "I need her to get her sex drive back". We take HRT to help with cardio and bone health, sleep, mood, irregular or heavy bleeding, to prevent or better manage diabetes, weight management, muscle maintenance, hot flashes, skin issues, and about 100 other symptoms of the menopause process. Nobody ever died because they didn't have a libido. People HAVE died because their heart failed.

Third, HRT is not medically safe for all women. It is *medication*. It is *healthcare*. Stop treating it like it's gas station boner pills. Women with certain cancers or a risk factor for them cannot take some/any hormones. Some women don't WANT to take HRT. It is our decision. Not yours.

Fourth, it is not easily accessible. The average man can walk into the average clinic and say "I gained 10 lbs and it takes me longer to get an erection" and will be told "BET! Here's your TRT!" It took me FIVE doctors to get any treatment. I read somewhere that the average woman seeking HRT sees ELEVEN providers before getting treated. Idk if that's true, but it is believable. It is still somewhat stigmatized and a LOT of providers are misinformed. Our HRT was initially had a *black box warning* because the only study done was on an obsolete drug, in women who had been post menopausal for 15-20 years. Youra didn't. There's also a view that men NEED testosterone, it NEEDS to be replaced, they NEED sexual function, they NEED healthy muscles and bodies to be MEN. But menopause is "just part of it" for us and we can fucking suffer. The view and information is turning. But it's not all the way there yet. Even if we wanted to "just get HRT" it's not that easy.

Fifth: It is not your business. We do not owe strangers our medical history just so you can be relatively sure you're getting laid. Most people DO want sex to be part of a relationship. That's fine. But this is a conversation for an established relationship, or when enough familiarity has been built that issues like sex and libido can be talked about. You don't get to sit down across from us on a first date and be like "You on HRT? Are we fuckin or what?"

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Location: WI/TX

We weren't in contact. She was awful. Hadn't spoken to her in 20 years and next thing you know I have everyone and their goldfish calling me. She died. Cool, not my problem.

However, I just got a letter from the Special Administrator for her forclosure, that her house sold at a Sheriff's sale for a $60k surplus and the attorney "strongly recommends me to appoint a Personal Representative to receive and distribute the funds".

So, I have 3 questions:

1. What kind of attorney would I even need for this? I'm in medicine, not law, I know NOTHING. Probate? Estate?

2. Should I seek one in Texas (where I am) or in Wisconsin, where the property was located? Or doesn't it matter?

3. There's a chance it may not even be worth it. Without the whole backstory and trauma dump which would be for another sub, she was as bad with money as she was everything else. She died with no will, no life insurance, and afaik, yet a THIRD mortgage on the house, to the tune of around $20k (it was a falling down hoard, I am AGHAST it sold for $100k - literally HOW? But apparently it did). Assuming the court would order that debt be paid, and god knows what other debts she ran up (there's 2 listed on the letter, including that mortgage), might I even get anything worth having out of it?

I would love to recoup some of the money she stole from me before I broke contact - but I'm not going to proceed with a desire for revenge alone, either.

Appreciate any help in advance.

Sorry but it bugs me. We're grown. We're not talking to our parents here. Some of us ARE the parents.

If you're not comfortable enough to say sex you shouldn't be having it. You don't need to use slang or pejorative terms if you're not comfortable with those, but intercourse, lovemaking, whatever you want to call it is having sex. That is the act you are engaging in. You're having sex. You had sex. You want to have sex. You don't want to have sex.

It's not "enjoying intimacy".

Intimacy can be platonic and emotional. It doesn't need to be romantic or sexual at all. We're intimate with our friends and family members. Intimacy means comfort, safety, closeness, trust, familiarity.

Sex can include those things. But can be mutually exclusive of them too.

You can have sex with a nameless stranger. You are not intimate with that person.

You can be intimate with a sibling. Your closest brother or sister can be your emotional go to when the world goes to hell, your best friend, the one who will take all your secrets to the grave. Who knows things about you no one else does, or ever will.

You best not be having sex with your sibling.

Istg if a man ever looked at me, in seriousness, and asked if I wanted to "have some intimacy" my vagina would rise up, revolt, and take leave of my body. Possibly even start a revolution.

Everyone's comfort level with the language surrounding sex is different. Some people will let loose like the break room in a truck stop. Others are more reserved. All are ok as long as both/all people involved are enjoying themselves.

But ffs if you have so much shame and guilt around sex that you can't even say the word, you're not gonna ENJOY said sex and your partner probably won't either.

It started to dawn on me something was up when Hokas first came out. They. Looked. So. Stupid.

But still, there I was, in healthcare, wearing the Brooks everyone recommended.

I used to run. Had to give it up due to shin splints. I have low arches therefore I pronate.

..... except I don't.

Looking back now I wonder if all the foot pain and the runner's knee and the tendonitis and everything else was actually overuse or all that "motion control".

Or trying to run on my toes in shoes with a 1 cm drop.

I'm 3 weeks into my first pair of Xero and the pain from my hallux rigidus is almost gone. I could hardly walk anymore and was heading for surgery.

I still have it, sure. But letting my foot relearn how to work naturally....

And the way my calves and even my quads HURT at first in these shoes. You don't realize how many muscles are functionally dead until you use them.

So who decided we needed to run and walk on these ridiculous chunks of foam and carbon fiber that mashed our toes into a triangle?

There's some situations where cushioning would benefit..... but they also make REASONABLE shoes for that now.

I KNOW it's a thing. It's a biological thing, not "fad medicine". But I had yet another uneducated provider tell me that as long as I have my monthly, it's "not indicated".

​

Ladies in SA in peri, where are you going?

I was in braces from 12-15. Even considering that ortho has advanced significantly from what it was then, mine was not well done at all.

​

I had an expander and it ruined my teeth. At one point they were so loose the only thing holding them in was the braces. I couldn't eat because my teeth wobbled all over. One actually just..... fell out. Got forced clean out of the bone. I took the rubber band off the bracket to get a better look at what was happening and the tooth came with it, bracket and all. Painlessly.

​

I had SEVERE crowding and my ortho just cranked everything back and out in the period of about 6 months.

​

I was 6 months out of braces when the internal resporptions started. 5 of them. Plus root resporption on one. 2 bridges and 3 root canals and crowns. $8k on a personal loan. Making $35k/yr and living by myself.

​

What that also ended me up with was a literal whole mouth of abfractions and gum recession and breakage at the gumline.

​

But then no dentist wanted to treat "healthy teeth". I'm sorry, but I didn't realize healthy teeth were excruciatingly painful all the time and had huge hunks missing. Are the healthy teeth in the room with us? So I just lived like that for 10 years rubbing whatever goop du jour they handed me onto them with no improvement, until I couldn't tolerate it anymore. There was nothing I could eat, drink, or do that didn't almost drop me to my knees.

​

Finally found a dentist to do bonding and idk, maybe that was the wrong choice too? Because I was $4k in for all of that, on top of what I still owed for all the reconstruction, and they started leaking and disintegrating in a year and a half.

​

Mind you, I get my regular cleanings and X-rays. I take good care of whatever mess remains. I had too much invested in it.

​

I go to a new dentist last week, one of my 2 1/2 yr old crowns is full of decay - leaking. Probably since the day it was placed. 3 yr old bridge probably in the same condition, which is ALREADY a redo because the first one fell off 2 years in. Also worn down to almost nothing, and I don't grind. He thinks it was a composite material that's not appropriate for back teeth.

​

All that bonding is basically DOA at this point.

​

There's no way out of this. I already have a personal loan, a maxed out credit card, and a maxed out Care Credit. I'm probably $20k in debt for TEETH and whatever I get done just ends up being more garbage.

​

I don't drink or eat a lot of sugar. Occasionally, yes, like a normal person does. But I mainly drink water with sugar free drink mix packets, the occasional soda or energy drink (maybe 1-3/week) don't even like candy that much, don't eat or drink a lot of citrus - it upsets my stomach anyway.

​

I brush 2-4x/day depending on where I am, use a water flosser and a fluoride rinse. My problem isn't even decay, really, it's decay under garbage work. How am I supposed to brush under a crown? Under filling? If they're leaking they're leaking. And this wasn't done at schools, chain clinics, or anything like that. This was all private dental practices.

​

I've only ever had like 2 cavities that weren't related to "restorations" - and what are we even restoring when they just cause more damage?

​

My teeth are wrecked. I wish I'd never done ortho because they've shifted anyway, after a while I couldn't even fit my retainer in anymore because my teeth were so hacked up and rebuilt.

​

I haven't even come CLOSE to paying off what I'm ALREADY chasing and now everything is on fire again.

​

I'd need ANOTHER $20k to fix it all and I just. don't. have. it.

​

My dentist is hell bent on SAVING THE TEETH!

​

What are we even trying to save anymore? Nothing is going to stop the "bleeding". My insurance maxes out at $1200/yr. That's not even one bridge. What do I do with the rest of this mess then? Let it rot? Just seems like losing the teeth anyway with more pain and extra steps.

​

What \*I\* want is to just pull everything. Take out one last loan and get an all-on-X. Maybe we can save something to support a denture. Idk. But I am OVER THIS. I'm going to be chasing failing work for teeth that don't function and look like shit anyway for the entire rest of my life, to the exclusion of everything else.

​

I need a new car. Nope. Teeth. I'd love to take a vacation someday before I die. Nope. Teeth. New work clothes? Nope. Teeth. New PERSONAL clothes that don't have holes and actually fit? Nope. Teeth instead. Maybe get a pet? Can't afford one. Teeth. I'd love a gym membership. Nope. Can't have that. We have to SAVE THE TEETH! I WANT A LIFE. I want this DONE WITH. My parents and orthodontist collectively made a HUGE mistake but what's done is done.

​

And even if - even IF - I won the lottery tomorrow and could get a new, beautiful whole mouth reconstruction..... that won't last forever either. 10 years? Maybe 15? And then it's teeth again.

​

I get saving natural teeth. But there comes a point of "At what cost???" Literally or metaphorically. My whole life has revolved around teeth since I was 16/17. I can't do it anymore. $30k+ to have teeth that hurt and look like shit and STILL have problems. There comes a point where we have to ask ourselves if we're cutting off our nose despite our face.

​

Is this an unreasonable take and could I find a reputable dentist anywhere to just let me call it and throw in the towel? No matter how bad dentures are, they can't be worse than this. Oh they're uncomfortable? So is this. Oh food doesn't taste right? What food? You mean the mush I can eat? And they'd LOOK natural. Instead of hacked up, pieced together, bonded and crowned shit.

I was in braces from 12-15. Even considering that ortho has advanced significantly from what it was then, mine was not well done at all.

​

I had an expander and it ruined my teeth. At one point they were so loose the only thing holding them in was the braces. I couldn't eat because my teeth wobbled all over. One actually just..... fell out. Got forced clean out of the bone. I took the rubber band off the bracket to get a better look at what was happening and the tooth came with it, bracket and all.

​

I had SEVERE crowding and my ortho just cranked everything back and out in the period of about 6 months.

​

I was 6 months out of braces when the internal resporptions started. 5 of them. Plus root resporption on one. 2 bridges and 3 root canals and crowns. $8k on a personal loan. Making $35k/yr and living by myself.

​

What that also ended me up with was a literal whole mouth of abfractions and gum recession and breakage at the gumline.

​

But then no dentist wanted to treat "healthy teeth". I'm sorry, but I didn't realize healthy teeth were excruciatingly painful all the time and had huge hunks missing. Are the healthy teeth in the room with us? So I just lived like that for 10 years rubbing whatever goop du jour they handed me onto them with no improvement, until I couldn't tolerate it anymore. There was nothing I could eat, drink, or do that didn't almost drop me to my knees.

​

Finally found a dentist to do bonding and idk, maybe that was the wrong choice too? Because I was $4k in for all of that, on top of what I still owed for all the reconstruction, and they started leaking and disintegrating in a year and a half.

​

Mind you, I get my regular cleanings and X-rays. I take good care of whatever mess remains. I had too much invested in it.

​

I go to a new dentist last week, one of my 2 1/2 yr old crowns is full of decay - leaking. Probably since the day it was placed. 3 yr old bridge probably in the same condition, which is ALREADY a redo because the first one fell off 2 years in. Also worn down to almost nothing, and I don't grind. He thinks it was a composite material that's not appropriate for back teeth.

​

All that bonding is basically DOA at this point.

​

There's no way out of this. I already have a personal loan, a maxed out credit card, and a maxed out Care Credit. I'm probably $20k in debt for TEETH and whatever I get done just ends up being more garbage.

​

I don't drink or eat a lot of sugar. Occasionally, yes, like a normal person does. But I mainly drink water with sugar free drink mix packets, the occasional soda or energy drink (maybe 1-3/week) don't even like candy that much, don't eat or drink a lot of citrus - it upsets my stomach anyway.

​

I brush 2-4x/day depending on where I am, use a water flosser and a fluoride rinse. My problem isn't even decay, really, it's decay under garbage work. How am I supposed to brush under a crown? Under filling? If they're leaking they're leaking. And this wasn't done at schools, chain clinics, or anything like that. This was all private dental practices.

​

I've only ever had like 2 cavities that weren't related to "restorations" - and what are we even restoring when they just cause more damage?

​

My teeth are wrecked. I wish I'd never done ortho because they've shifted anyway, after a while I couldn't even fit my retainer in anymore because my teeth were so hacked up and rebuilt.

​

I haven't even come CLOSE to paying off what I'm ALREADY chasing and now everything is on fire again.

​

I'd need ANOTHER $20k to fix it all and I just. don't. have. it.

​

My dentist is hell bent on SAVING THE TEETH!

​

What are we even trying to save anymore? Nothing is going to stop the "bleeding". My insurance maxes out at $1200/yr. That's not even one bridge. What do I do with the rest of this mess then? Let it rot? Just seems like losing the teeth anyway with more pain and extra steps.

​

What *I* want is to just pull everything. Take out one last loan and get an all-on-X. Maybe we can save something to support a denture. Idk. But I am OVER THIS. I'm going to be chasing failing work for teeth that don't function and look like shit anyway for the entire rest of my life, to the exclusion of everything else.

​

I need a new car. Nope. Teeth. I'd love to take a vacation someday before I die. Nope. Teeth. New work clothes? Nope. Teeth. New PERSONAL clothes that don't have holes and actually fit? Nope. Teeth instead. Maybe get a pet? Can't afford one. Teeth. I'd love a gym membership. Nope. Can't have that. We have to SAVE THE TEETH! I WANT A LIFE. I want this DONE WITH. My parents and orthodontist collectively made a HUGE mistake but what's done is done.

​

And even if - even IF - I won the lottery tomorrow and could get a new, beautiful whole mouth reconstruction..... that won't last forever either. 10 years? Maybe 15? And then it's teeth again.

​

I get saving natural teeth. But there comes a point of "At what cost???" Literally or metaphorically. My whole life has revolved around teeth since I was 16/17. I can't do it anymore.

​

Is this an unreasonable take and could I find a reputable dentist anywhere to just let me call it and throw in the towel?