u/FireD_Juicy

Today's of quite normal day but strange enough I am tired I want to cry,I don't want to hold anything back, nothing significant has happened I don't know why suddenly, I like this today's day hasn't been anything special why why, all I can do is sigh. sometimes I start to wonder if it is me who has become numb or me acting numb, I am little bit scared is there going to come a time where I become numb to almost everything in the sense that's Paradise for me not Paradise but the ideal way that way I won't have to cry or get emotional overthings, I miss being a child when I did not know what was going on when I never understood anything that time felt more peaceful.

Today I on myself wondering what would I have been without reddit, it never impacted my life in any significant way but it is one of the reasons and I am slowly letting of my fears and actually admitting to things and change. Each time I think about making a post like this get scared I have realised something I am scared of being vulnerable. There are many more things I want to admit but this is it for today I have come down and I am feeling much better I will post this after 12 in about an hour.

One last thing to admit before ending the post I think I am somewhat of an attention seeker so sorry if this is me attention seeking.

Within my head.

Also imagined posting here as I bleed out

I think the humans best stat would be strength

I have tried posting there but my post was not approved by a mod. I even have messaged the mods.

I don't know why I am like this,but whenever I start to realise that I am alone with my thoughts I start to tear up,I hold them back when I am not alone or when I feel others can find out.

I feel in some sense I want people to pity me,but I don't them see me crying unless I have a great reason to.

Today I was in class I don't remember what popped up in my head and I felt some tears form but I stopped it.

There have been days when everyone is a sleep and it's late at night. Then I go to the chair facing the window as I look outside I leg the tears flow.

Whenever I write something like this I am barely able to stop myself from crying.

I realised that at some point I started to hate myself because of how good I have it and still feeling useless.

I feel like I am turning out a disappointment.

All my parents did for me and I can't do anything in return, maybe never will be able to.

I indulge myself in digital media/any form of time pass I can find,so that I am not alone with my thoughts.

Something funny about me is that I want fall in love but don't know what it is,it feels like a foreign concept to me. I love my parents and family members, maybe even my close friends

But I can't understand what it is to love someone romantically.

I want to fall in love for a selfish reason, I feel someone if I fall in love,it could be a person who I can vent all my frustrations to/cry openly in front of them with them consoling me.

The irony being I am scared that they'll not be the one(for the record I have never had a crush yet or been in love ever) I have written in a previous post how even when I seriously imagine getting confessed to, the only thing I can think of as an answer is no. And this no isn't a no because I am scared it's just because.

I feel that I am even writing this post just for attention. I have written a similar post, before on r/mentalhealth which no one was, before that I tried posting on r/sad but I realized that there has been no post on that sub for more the 3-6 months. The mods don't respond.

It made me feel a little sad thing that someone who may need help may never get it there.

This started off way different didn't it,by the end of this I have calmed down alot,but still I feel Tommorow will be a day for me to hold back my tears,if I don't focus on something.

I don't know why I am like this,but whenever I start to realise that I am alone with my thoughts I start to tear up,I hold them back when I am not alone or when I feel others can find out.

I feel in some sense I want people to pity me,but I don't them see me crying unless I have a great reason to.

Today I was in class I don't remember what popped up in my head and I felt some tears form but I stopped it.

There have been days when everyone is a sleep and it's late at night. Then I go to the chair facing the window as I look outside I leg the tears flow.

Whenever I write something like this I am barely able to stop myself from crying.

I realised that at some point I started to hate myself because of how good I have it and still feeling useless.

I feel like I am turning out a disappointment.

All my parents did for me and I can't do anything in return, maybe never will be able to.

I indulge myself in digital media/any form of time pass I can find,so that I am not alone with my thoughts.

Something funny about me is that I want fall in love but don't know what it is,it feels like a foreign concept to me. I love my parents and family members, maybe even my close friends

But I can't understand what it is to love someone romantically.

I want to fall in love for a selfish reason, I feel someone if I fall in love,it could be a person who I can vent all my frustrations to/cry openly in front of them with them consoling me.

The irony being I am scared that they'll not be the one(for the record I have never had a crush yet or been in love ever) I have written in a previous post how even when I seriously imagine getting confessed to, the only thing I can think of as an answer is no. And this no isn't a no because I am scared it's just because.

I feel that I am even writing this post just for attention. I have written a similar post, before on r/mentalhealth which no one was, before that I tried posting on r/sad but I realized that there has been no post on that sub for more the 3-6 months. The mods don't respond.

It made me feel a little sad thing that someone who may need help may never get it there.

This started off way different didn't it,by the end of this I have calmed down alot,but still I feel Tommorow will be a day for me to hold back my tears,if I don't focus on something.

&gt;!I hate the r/mentalhealth sub,I didn't want to post here but here I am!<

I don't know why I am like this,but whenever I start to realise that I am alone with my thoughts I start to tear up,I hold them back when I am not alone or when I feel others can find out.

I feel in some sense I want people to pity me,but I don't them see me crying unless I have a great reason to.

Today I was in class I don't remember what popped up in my head and I felt some tears form but I stopped it.

There have been days when everyone is a sleep and it's late at night. Then I go to the chair facing the window as I look outside I leg the tears flow.

Whenever I write something like this I am barely able to stop myself from crying.

I realised that at some point I started to hate myself because of how good I have it and still feeling useless.

I feel like I am turning out a disappointment.

All my parents did for me and I can't do anything in return, maybe never will be able to.

I indulge myself in digital media/any form of time pass I can find,so that I am not alone with my thoughts.

Something funny about me is that I want fall in love but don't know what it is,it feels like a foreign concept to me. I love my parents and family members, maybe even my close friends

But I can't understand what it is to love someone romantically.

I want to fall in love for a selfish reason, I feel someone if I fall in love,it could be a person who I can vent all my frustrations to/cry openly in front of them with them consoling me.

The irony being I am scared that they'll not be the one(for the record I have never had a crush yet or been in love ever) I have written in a previous post how even when I seriously imagine getting confessed to, the only thing I can think of as an answer is no. And this no isn't a no because I am scared it's just because.

I feel that I am even writing this post just for attention. I have written a similar post, before on r/mentalhealth which no one was, before that I tried posting on r/sad but I realized that there has been no post on that sub for more the 3-6 months. The mods don't respond.

It made me feel a little sad thing that someone who may need help may never get it there.

This started off way different didn't it,by the end of this I have calmed down alot,but still I feel Tommorow will be a day for me to hold back my tears,if I don't focus on something.

I don't know why I am like this,but whenever I start to realise that I am alone with my thoughts I start to tear up,I hold them back when I am not alone or when I feel others can find out.

I feel in some sense I want people to pity me,but I don't them see me crying unless I have a great reason to.

Today I was in class I don't remember what popped up in my head and I felt some tears form but I stopped it.

There have been days when everyone is a sleep and it's late at night. Then I go to the chair facing the window as I look outside I leg the tears flow.

Whenever I write something like this I am barely able to stop myself from crying.

I realised that at some point I started to hate myself because of how good I have it and still feeling useless.

I feel like I am turning out a disappointment.

All my parents did for me and I can't do anything in return, maybe never will be able to.

I indulge myself in digital media/any form of time pass I can find,so that I am not alone with my thoughts.

Something funny about me is that I want fall in love but don't know what it is,it feels like a foreign concept to me. I love my parents and family members, maybe even my close friends

But I can't understand what it is to love someone romantically.

I want to fall in love for a selfish reason, I feel someone if I fall in love,it could be a person who I can vent all my frustrations to/cry openly in front of them with them consoling me.

The irony being I am scared that they'll not be the one(for the record I have never had a crush yet or been in love ever) I have written in a previous post how even when I seriously imagine getting confessed to, the only thing I can think of as an answer is no. And this no isn't a no because I am scared it's just because.

I feel that I am even writing this post just for attention. I have written a similar post, before on r/mentalhealth which no one was, before that I tried posting on r/sad but I realized that there has been no post on that sub for more the 3-6 months. The mods don't respond.

It made me feel a little sad thing that someone who may need help may never get it there.

This started off way different didn't it,by the end of this I have calmed down alot,but still I feel Tommorow will be a day for me to hold back my tears,if I don't focus on something.

https://preview.redd.it/cnhrca6602ah1.jpg?width=3456&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=be90cba8a75316b8a04a66f6e24db8bbe04a32fc

I had tried to post there more than 2 weeks ago writing down everything I am mostly afraid to admit.

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I waited for it to get approved for 2 hours then I realised that the last post on it was 2-5 months ago.

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Heck I tried writing to the mods and non of them responded.

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It scares me a little that maybe a person who really needs help may have tried to post there but they couldn't have because of that.

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Even in r/mentalhealth or something nobody replied to my post but atleast that was active.

I am like an idea machine,I keep making ideas and making stories in my head,but when it comes to writing them I am very lethargic,I have tried to write chapters. For context I have tried to write three-four different stories.

The first one I tried a style I haven't before and wrote the first chapter and after half a year or more I put the second chapter out. I have the idea but sometimes I get so much into it that I forget to write.

One time a friend asked me to write something(he just gave me a topic/concept. Like colonial witches),I gave him a unusually long prologue, which multiple people told was good but big. With another friend of mine I wrote 4 chapters of that story,the friend who's writing with me sends it to me to proof read as I thought of most of the story's overall story leaving the inside empty. But I am so lazy that I don't take the time to read it(it is well and good most of the time,just requires some tweaks).

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The third story I thought about romance but I couldn't even fully write the full first chapter (this had a fantasy element) I tried to write another story with no fantasy element just pure romance,slice of life and some other things. I tried to write but I couldn't properly write two paragraphs.

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I have the urge to write but as I sit it flies away.

I have sometimes written short stories about a page long. But I mostly get to writing when not exactly in the proper place or time.

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Today also I thought of something which I wanted to write but I knew if I started I wouldn't complete it. *So I came here to get advice*

I didn't know where else to post this other than here or at the aroace aub.

I want to experience love but whenever I imagine getting confessed to the only answer I can think of is *no*