Anxiety got worse. I need an advice to handle it
Disclaimer: This is a long vent, and I am typing this while experiencing a severe anxiety attack. If you do not feel interested or comfortable reading it, please feel no pressure to do so. Thank you. I am not sure if I have anything else to add for now, but if I do, I will post an update later.
(If it's my fault, I apologize.)
I (20 F) am currently in my 5th semester of college.
To make a long story short, I’m just a kid who isn't good at communicating, an introvert, and a homebody. I never had an issue being alone, but I never thought about making friends until I realized just how lonely I was. My family is busy with work and other things, so I feel really alone. I never realized that I was just being used and a people-pleaser throughout elementary, middle, and high school (I went to school in a small village where the people around were mostly the same). So, I can say I don't have any true friends. I just realized they only asked me for money (my family is somewhat well-off) and only reached out when they needed help. But whenever I was the one who needed help, no one was there. In fact, even in group projects, they would just dump the hard parts on me. To be honest, I don't mind helping people—I like seeing others happy—but sometimes seeing how they treated me back made me feel dumb and heartbroken.
In high school, I actually found a best friend, but she got busy after joining the student council and started hanging out with other council members. We still hung out sometimes, but whenever we met up, I could sense she was in a bad mood, whether from student council stress or something else. It made me sad because I was genuinely happy to see her. Oh, and I was still a people-pleaser back then. One day, people started spreading bad rumors about me. I felt so lonely, deeply down, and didn't even want to go to school anymore. Even my best friend sided with them, don't trust me, and randomly texting me to say hurtful things. My mental health really took a turn for the worse at that point.
Long story short, when I got to college, I stopped trying to find friends. I just let things flow and tried to remain friendly, but yeah... still a people-pleaser because I was completely alone, I was terrified of having no one. By the way, for college, I moved to the city, far away from my family. So I live alone.
I can say the people around me are nice, and I considered everyone my friend. That was until one day, a group of friends invited me to play tennis together. They also invited another person who didn't have a friend group, just like me—let’s call her B. The difference between me and B is that B is extremely extroverted and very outgoing. Without me even realizing it, I was added to their friend group, and B was added as well. We became a group of friends since then, but to be honest, I didn't really want to be in a friend group—especially because this group was full of (sorry to say) slightly toxic people who were lazy about college. I just wanted us to be casual friends and nothing more, but because I felt bad asking to leave, I just tried to adapt. I admit they were fun people to hang out with, but besides that, I didn't really think they had many good qualities (honestly, they seemed like a bad influence, and even some of my other college classmates said so).
B and I actually became close after that. When our group members were busy skipping class and ignoring assignments to go hangout, the two of us still did our work and decided not to join them. As people, we both actually liked to gossip about others. Maybe it was partly my fault too, because I talked trash about our friend group to B. We often vented and gossiped with each other, and B always agreed with whatever I said, sometimes she said she feels the same. I talked about other people too, outside the friend group, but I said those bad things as an emotional release after everything they had done to me. You could say people in college were still treating me the same way people back in school did—just using me and sometimes of them actually acting like jerks—so I only vented out of frustration and anger. I don't even remember what I said. I don't really think its that important to me to remember.
But one day, I felt like people were ignoring me. Then someone told me that B had actually been telling peoples what I said to her, and my friend group kicked me out. In a way, maybe this was a good thing because I always felt leaving the group was for the best anyway. But at the same time, my anxiety got worse and I was heartbroken. No matter how much I had been used or talked about behind my back, I never once thought about ostracizing anyone who did that to me. So honestly, it felt unfair... why would they do this to me? At the same time, I felt genuinely guilty because I only talked bad to release my emotions; I never intended for those words to reach them.
The worst part is that B actually twisted some of my words, making everything even worse. She didn't just tell my friend group—she told other people too, and maybe she even told people what I said about them (I'm not entirely sure about this one, but it makes me feel anxious every time I go to college because I don't know who she talked to). I've only been back to college for two days and I truly can't handle it... I don't know what to do. I've already seen a psychologist before for a month and actually felt a bit better, but going back to campus triggers intense anxiety attacks.
I go to college, but sometimes I just end up standing alone, not talking to anyone anymore. I really don't know if I'll be able to make it through 3 more semesters. Last couple of semester, I actually joined committee activities to expand my network, but now I just head straight back home to play games or do whatever I used to do. I stop join them. My dorm and my campus are only 5 minutes apart, but for some reason, I always arrive a few minutes early and just stand there alone... looking like a pathetic person. Maybe I should just show up right before class starts so I don't have to wait around like that (especially since the classroom is sometimes still being used by another class).
I want to ask for advice—what should I do in this situation that is triggering such severe anxiety for me?