u/Ill-Musician2225

I was a sensitive little girl. I cried easily, I was shy and scared, and I was a target of incessant bullying from my peers. Coming home from school invited more torment from those I loved most. Those who were meant to protect and uplift me. I would be subject to a carousel of emotional and physical turmoil; made to witness just how much I was hated. Glorified in front of guests and friends, only to be demonized once the doors were shut tightly behind us. I became intimately familiar with the sight of my own blood, because my failures were so severe that they were deserving of brutality. I was a monster, a bad influence to my baby sister, a liar, a defect, a sinner. An angel, their princess, their pride, a perfect example of their own success. My image became warped.

I stopped being sensitive. My tears were scrutinized and dismissed. Everything I did was fake, I was a liar, I was a two-faced girl destined for hell. I went from a sensitive, shy girl who shivered and cried at the sight of blood to a cruel, sadistic, angry shell of a person. Over time, my tears dried up. My desire to be kind to others disappeared. I began to revel in the pain of others, because it meant I myself would be safe. I leer at the scared girl within me in pure disgust. I don’t mean to, it makes me want to cry. But I just see her there, shaking in a pool of her own blood and tears; emblematic of all the pain I went through. I know she carried me to where I am today, but all I want to do is close the door on her forever and abandon her. I hate her awkwardness, her sensitivity, her goofiness, her hopes and dreams. She is weak. She was worth humiliating and torturing. Right??? If she wasn’t, it wouldn’t have happened.

But if that’s all true, why are tears beginning to stream down my face at the sight of this poor, pathetic creature reaching out through the darkness?

and it was so easy???? my obgyn sounded almost angry when i told her how my doctors dismissed me because my tests were “normal”, and said it was obviously pmos judging by my specific symptoms. she also sent an order to test my a1c (i know other tests may be needed, but this is a start)
it just feels really good to be listened to, and i wanted to rave about it for a sec because this has been SO HARD.

wanna know WHY i was told this?
it was because i said lesbians do not have crushes on fictional men. when i brought up that the whole “unattainability” thing that people spew is lesbian masterdoc nonsense, i was told to shut up.
guess who said all of this to me?
a bisexual.

hii im starting at msu this fall after having taken a 4 year long break from school 😭 im 23 and was kinda hoping i could make some friends w other transfer students? idk if this is the right place for this, but i figured i’d try lol

tw for suicide mention

ok so im very vain, and it has always been extremely difficult for me to function if i feel ugly. i used to have really bad body dysmorphia as a result, and wouldnt leave the house. back then, though, i looked FINE. i was gorgeous. i wish i had known that.

now, i have been dealing with what is most likely lean pcos, and its RUINING MY LIFE
my hair is fucking dry as shit and falling out in clumps every day, and its beginning to be very noticeable. i fucking want to kill myself
how am i supposed to love myself jf i feel ugly
this is so destabilizing and i want to die so bad

ik this is pathetic as fuck but oh my god vanity is a disease … i think im just going to stay in the dark in my room forever until i die
i dont even wanna look at myself this is so nauseating

i used to smoke every day almost, and my favorite strain was sativa. unfortunately, i had such a severe panic attack the last time i truly smoked that i almost went to the ER (i know, i know.)

i really want to get back into smoking, as it used to help me with reflecting on stuff and provided a lot of value to me. i just want to know which strains are least likely to make me anxious? im terrified of having a panic attack like that again…

its been getting worse and worse, i got blood tests + ultrasounds with NO indication of hormonal imbalance or pcos, thyroid is fine, etc

and yet i miss periods for months at a time, i have disgusting course chin hair and body hair, hair is falling out by the handful, cystic acne….

i feel so fucking hideous, ic ant live like this i cant do it
i really cant
im vecoming agoraphobic because of how ugly i am i feel so fucking disgusting and gross and miserable

what do i do someone please help me

i think i am anddd idk what to do
this happens every so often and idk how to handle it. every time i come out of it, im still the same piece of shit bitch that i was before

So I made this friend last year, and we got really close. We were hanging out pretty much every day for months. I was aware that their dad was sick, and had been for a long time. I admitted to having feelings for them, and they said they did too but were kind of dodgy about it. However, they kept being present with me and we seemed to be getting closer.

One day, they stopped texting me. This was out of character, so I reached out a few times. They let me know that their dad was on hospice and not doing well, and they were out of town. We kept in touch for a while after that, and suddenly they said they were coming back because they couldn’t handle what they were going through.

They made soft plans with me, and said they’d be back in a week.

I have not heard from them since the beginning of the year. They have depression as well, and I know they are likely struggling with a lot.

I’ve reached out via text about 3 times since, letting them know I’m there if they need me, but to no response. I’m not really sure what to do… What do I do? Do they even want to be my friend anymore? Do I just let them go? I don’t know how to support someone who won’t respond, so I guess I just don’t know how to proceed…

I used to be an avoidant myself, and I’ve come a long way in working on it. I understand what theyre going through, I just don’t know if keeping them on my radar is worth it.

For context, I am already diagnosed with BPD and OCD. I have a lot of severe childhood trauma, and narcissism seems to run on my dad’s side of the family. I was raised by 2 narcissists, and I see a lot of traits in myself as well.

She told me I am a covert/vulnerable narcissist, but that it was hard for her to spot. I have been going to her for 1.5 years and have made a LOT of progress specifically with my BPD symptoms. I always suspected I might be a narcissist, but she didn’t agree with me when I first met her. Now, that has changed…

What do I do with this info? How do I not be this way?? People always say narcissists don’t change; am I just screwed?

If someone’s therapist told them they are a covert / vulnerable narcissist due to their trauma, would that mean they were being diagnosed with NPD? Or is it just an indication of narcissistic traits?

I feel like calling someone a narcissist in a clinical setting would equate to a diagnosis… Right? Like does that get put on a record somewhere?

ive been clean since last may, but i have been having sh ideation for the last 3 months and its getting worse and worse. im using all my coping skills and im in therapy, but i wanna let go and cut. what the hell do i do i cant stand feeling like this anymore

tw for suicide attempt mention + sh

“It appears that I am flawlessly talented in the art of sinking to lower and lower depths, despite my ravenous desire to ascend. It’s quite humorous watching myself attempt to claw my way up to something almost human, whilst simultaneously digging myself deeper into this endless pit with my struggling legs. Like reaching for a ledge that’s a little too high, and gashing the floor with my useless flailing. Only to fall deeper once more when I’ve decided to give up for the upteenth time.

Feeling my eardrum get blown out from the shockwaves of a gunshot was enough to quell my desire for self destruction for quite some time; while I was able to escape the suicidal thoughts, however, I was still trying to hurt myself in other ways. Eventually, these subsided as well. Having a distraction in the form of another human in my close proximity was the main culprit. Intense fear and survival instincts from my suicide attempt also helped aid in this false metamorphosis. I truly in my heart believed that I had been cured! That I was leaving the stains of the past behind me. No, I was no longer going to cut! No longer going to drink myself into a stupor. To give myself credit, neither of those things have been done in a very, very long time. My last true tango with self harm was around the last time I tried to end my life. I have baby cut a couple of times, but that behavior does not reflect the emptiness that I intend to portray when I am wounding myself. I want my blade to open my body up to the universe, to reveal to it the void that floats within. I am nothing. My essence is nothing. Yet, at the same time, it is everything. My inner world is rich, and full of beauty. I see things there that are much better than living in this waking world. Of course, there always has to be an inverse of this; it is also terrifying in here. I fear for my safety every day that I am in my head. I am tormented constantly; I can never escape the obsessive thought patterns that wrack my brain day in and day out. All I can think about is myself. My desires. My hatred and rage. The need to project these feelings onto others so that hopefully, for just a second, I can finally escape the pathetic emptiness inside. I feel so tired of it, and it will never ever stop. I know this.”

ok so this happened a week ago, and im still thinking about it. i know its basically an admission of me being an asshole, but fuck it

sometimes i find myself needling people for no reason in front of others, basically just to make them feel small. i would never admit to that, but its obviously what im doing.

at work last week, i was observing a colleague of mine try to get people’s attention during a meeting. she had had trouble doing so a couple days ago, so i helped her out. this time, she made a little joke about people not paying attention to her, and i rudely said “maybe we’d listen if you knew how to get control of a room”

several people in the meeting laughed about it, but she looked a little hurt. i felt a little bad and apologized after, and she said i was rude.

i feel like i really only felt bad because i knew itd reflect poorly on me if i didnt apologize. after she said i was rude, i spiraled the rest of the day and didnt talk to ANYONE at work the next day, to the point people realized i was off.

i think some people can smell the narcissism on me, especially when i do shit like this. it was almost like an impulse. i was looking down on her for being in a higher position and not being able to get people’s attention, and it just slipped out . then when she called me out, i basically threw a tantrum by ignoring everyone for an entire day. she seemed chill with me after that, but i know there are a few people at work who can clock the narc behaviors and dont like me as a result.

how do i stop doing this

tw for csa+sa mention

so idk if its the narcissism or the csa/sa trauma (or both), but i cannot have sex. its interesting bc i always hear ppl say “oh narcissists r great in bed, etc etc” but ive only slept with 1 person in my entire life (and several times it was not my choice). i lost my virginity at 20.

besides the visceral TERROR i feel about intimacy, i also just think other ppl are gross and stupid. why would i want to give them ultimate vulnerability (in my opinion)?? i can barely even stand most people in a platonic sense. i feel like other people do not DESERVE to have sex with me. that, and of course im secretly super insecure.

sex is vulnerable and awkward as well. not really my idea of fun… although it seems like im missing out on something other people enjoy. but idk other ppl disgust me.

anyone relate?

hii im a 23f and i am just starting out, id love a friend / study buddy!! i just dont know where to begin, and a friend would be great:)