u/Ill_Bread_8469

I don't understand. The more i try to make people love me, to cherish me, the more they seem disturbed, put off by my behavior.

I honestly never really cared about dating. It felt such a lowly, base past-time made for people with no direction in their lives. I was quite content, prideful and boastful in my interest for the arts, for the sciences, and philosophy. I could study hours a day, and never be bored by what i genuinely liked.

But then came my high-school friends, and i gave my all. I loved people at my school. And i still love all my peers, all my colleagues. I love when they pay attention to me, when they make me feel like i'm one of them, that i'm just as better as them in all that they do. I'd do anything to have that feeling forever. Yet despite everything in my power to make them like me - talking like them, spending time with them, doing things that honestly felt boring and pointless, none of it was enough. One of those things was dating. They mocked me for being a virgin, for being a shut-in, for not flirting, etc. I thought people would love, identify mor with myself if i started dating. It would prove that i'm not inferior to them, and that i also can socialize just as better as they do.

And so did i. I made almost a scientific endeavour on it, testing what doesn't work, what does. I finally dated some girls. It always ended awfully, because i didn't know and often did not have interest in engaging in a relationship. But what mattered to me is that it became a part of me, a part that i wanted people to identify themselves with it.

It amounted to nothing. I'm at Med school now (another thing that didn't work: enrolling in the greatest university of my region and doing a course of prestige did jack to make people love me and see me as different, as something that stands out. I still do Medicine for genuine interest, but it eludes me that even this is not enough to "un-lame" me), and my peers are still put off by me. If now i felt like they saw me as the creepy, awkward loner, i now feel like they see me as the inconvenient, creepy guy that needs to be shun down so he stops bothering other people. I thought being more flirting, more assertive, talking more to people would make them like me, but it always has the opposite effect - they seem to like me *less* when i talk to them, and telling them that i have a girlfriend doesn't do bull.

Why? I did what everyoned asked of me. Trying to be more charming, jokeful, and flirting. I have difficulty studying, reading, making my art and poetry, all because i lay in bed thinking about what i did to make them not like me, and what i should do to improve, and i can't concentrate in things i once used to love dearly. Yet when i did exactly what they asked of me, it did nothing. I started to once again speak less once my talkative, humorous persona didn't work, and they still once again have no interest in me. They all hang out together, play soccer, feast together, party, and i'm all left out.

It can't be because of my appearance. I'm not really ugly, and people less beautiful than me hang out, make friends and date just fine. It can't be because of my ASD. My other autistic peers are still popular and talk just fine. I don't think i'm that boring. I'm not an all-knowing God, but i do have a lot of knowledge in various topics in science, philosophy, video-games, anime, etc - things that they do talk to eachother, yet when i speak, it feels different, unwanted. What is missing?