u/KaihakuOkami

Hey everyone. Update to my previous post because honestly I dont know what it is Im even doing right now and I genuinely feel horrible at the moment; Apologies in advance for the 3 AM sleep deprived rant

Original post for context:
https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/1tdk73t/terrified_about_reconnecting_with_a_childhood/

I finally got a response back from that childhood friend I talked about there. Ill attach her response below.

I dont even know how to explain how I feel right now. part of me is just happy she answered at all, but at the same time I feel really sick with anxiety and fear and sadness. Ive been completely isolated ever since leaving. Like genuinely almost completely alone. No support system, no friends or family anymore, nobody from my old life, nothing. It’s been months and months of just trying to survive mentally while also bouncing around from place to place feeling like Id rather just not exist anymore. And now, right when I started to believe that just maybe things could change, I already see it crumbling right in front of me

she suggested maybe talking to my mother first or meeting with her around my mom/at my house or something. But my mom and I have literally not spoken in over half a year now, basically since I left/got kicked out. I also don’t really have a house anymore. I’ve been couchsurfing, shelter hopping, and doing whatever it takes trying to get into transitional housing, trying to survive in this horrible life that I live

And what makes this worse is I didn’t tell my old friend this directly, but part of the reason I asked her to keep my being in town low-profile was specifically because I did NOT want my mother or her husband finding out I’m here. But now I’m scared she may have already told my mother about me being back and that maybe thats why she brought her up. And now I just feel trapped and cornered because contacting my mother is most likely not happening for reasons I don’t really want to dump publicly right now.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I feel like if I say the wrong thing or handle this wrong Im going to lose the only real chance at actually connectinf with someone I’ve had since leaving. I know that probably sounds pathetic...I feel completely emotionally overwhelmed by this whole thing.

I don't want to lose her. Please help me. What do I do?

Hey everyone. Sorry if this is the wrong place to ask, but I’m an exJW (18m) and I’m in kind of a weird emotional situation and honestly don’t know how to approach it.

I’m going back to my hometown this weekend because I have to deal with some selective service registration stuff, and recently I heard news through my cousin about an old friend of mine from the congregation (17f).

For context: she was basically the "girl next door" for most of my childhood. We always had really good chemistry, got along naturally, had fun together, etc. But because of the JW culture around opposite-sex friendships + my parents being extremely isolationist/abusive and paranoid about "bad influences," we were never really allowed to just be normal friends. I think part of me has been grieving that ever since leaving. The fact that we never really got to just be normal teenagers despite caring about each other as people.

Despite the stepfather having privileges, her family as a whole was also considered “lukewarm” by some in the congregation, as they weren't the most consistent about meetings and service, and because of this there was definitely judgement towards them by the congregation as a whole, including by most other youth towards her.

Anyways, according to my cousin, apparently the step-father is now disfellowshipped and her parents are divorcing. Somewhere in the conversation about all this, my cousin mentioned that she apparently said she’d either like or would be okay with being friends with me again, which honestly surprised me a lot to hear. Especially because I’ve found myself thinking about her too since leaving, but since basically nobody ever called or texted after I left, I kind of just assumed nobody really cared that much about me or thought about me much anymore. So hearing that she of all people was the exception genuinely caught me off guard.

Having been pretty much completely alone ever since leaving some months ago, I was really happy to hear this. And yet I'm also extremely terrified.

Here’s where I’m unsure what to do:

Since leaving, I’ve changed a bit. Aside from now being an atheist, and thus no longer believing in the Borg or the Bible at all, I’m genderqueer/pansexual now, and while I don’t look radically different, I definitely present more androgynous than I used to. Longer hair, different style, etc. Not "shocking" levels but noticeable enough that JWs would definitely clock it.

Part of me wants to text her directly and ask if she’d want to grab tea or coffee and catch up while I’m in town, maybe even be a good friend and actually be there for her during these times. Especially because with a lot of congregation youth, there was always this weird clique dynamic where the really “zealous” pioneer/elder-kid /super-spiritual crowd were treated like the “in group,” while everyone else kind of got sidelined socially. More often than not, she was on the outside of that, and eventually I was too despite auxiliary pioneering and having an elder stepfather myself. So I think part of me relates to her a lot in that sense too. But I also don’t want to accidentally overwhelm her or put her in a difficult position socially/religiously.

At the moment, I’m unsure how to handle:

• how the I would even initially contact her after all this time
• what I would even say in the first message
• whether asking to meet for tea one-on-one is even something I could do
• how to actually make plans in a way that doesn’t create social/religious problems for her
• if there would be some way to safely gauge her on the PIMI/PIMO spectrum
• whether I should avoid talking about the Bible or Organization unless asked
• whether I should avoid mentioning the genderqueerness/pansexuality unless directly asked
• whether my appearance/presentation is going to make things awkward
• how cautious I should be emotionally considering JW culture
• how to navigate the male/female friendship dynamics JW culture creates
• whether contacting her could create problems with her family because of the whole “bad association/apostate” thing
• what I’d even do if I ended up interacting with her younger brother, who I’ve historically had friction with and who still has privileges
• whether I should even risk my presence in town becoming known at all considering how messy things were when I left

Truth be told, I’m really unsure how to navigate the gender/social dynamics around this because of JW culture. In a normal environment this would just be "two old friends catching up," but with the JW culture around male/female friendships, appearances, reputation, and
bad association," it feels way more complicated than it should.

Part of what makes me anxious is that I genuinely don’t know how I’d handle things if I ended up having to interact with her family. Her parents are kind people, but they’re obviously already dealing with a lot right now, and I have no idea how they’d react knowing she was hanging out with someone who left and is basically considered apostate now There’s also her slightly younger brother, who while not a bad person, has a very strong personality and who I’ve usually had real friction with. He has privileges too and could probably be considered slightly less "lukewarm" than the rest of the family, and honestly I would really rather avoid any confrontation or awkwardness with him entirely.

In general, I’d honestly rather not have my presence known in town at all due to the events surrounding me leaving and the people/ideas I could end up being forced to confront again. Especially considering that most people there who knew me would immediately know where I’m staying if word got around that I was back.

Has anyone here reconnected with Old Friends after leaving? Especially when they were potentially in the "lukewarm/questioning" area? Any advice on how to approach this would be VERY Appreciated.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this <3

Hey everyone. I’m an exJW (18m) and I’m in kind of a weird emotional situation and honestly don’t know how to approach it.

I’m going back to my hometown this weekend because I have to deal with some selective service registration stuff, and recently I heard news through my cousin about an old friend of mine from the congregation (17f).

For context: she was basically the "girl next door" for most of my childhood. We always had really good chemistry, got along naturally, had fun together, etc. But because of the JW culture around opposite-sex friendships + my parents being extremely isolationist/abusive and paranoid about "bad influences," we were never really allowed to just be normal friends. I think part of me has been grieving that ever since leaving. The fact that we never really got to just be normal teenagers despite caring about each other as people.

Despite the stepfather having privileges, her family as a whole was also considered “lukewarm” by some in the congregation, as they weren't the most consistent about meetings and service, and because of this there was definitely judgement towards them by the congregation as a whole, including by most other youth towards her.

Anyways, according to my cousin, apparently the step-father is now disfellowshipped and her parents are divorcing. Somewhere in the conversation about all this, my cousin mentioned that she apparently said she’d either like or would be okay with being friends with me again, which honestly surprised me a lot to hear. Especially because I’ve found myself thinking about her too since leaving, but since basically nobody ever called or texted after I left, I kind of just assumed nobody really cared that much about me or thought about me much anymore. So hearing that she of all people was the exception genuinely caught me off guard.

Having been pretty much completely alone ever since leaving some months ago, I was really happy to hear this. And yet I'm also extremely terrified.

Here’s where I’m unsure what to do:

Since leaving, I’ve changed a bit. Aside from now being an atheist, and thus no longer believing in the Borg or the Bible at all, I’m genderqueer/pansexual now, and while I don’t look radically different, I definitely present more androgynous than I used to. Longer hair, different style, etc. Not "shocking" levels but noticeable enough that JWs would definitely clock it.

Part of me wants to text her directly and ask if she’d want to grab tea or coffee and catch up while I’m in town, maybe even be a good friend and actually be there for her during these times. Especially because with a lot of congregation youth, there was always this weird clique dynamic where the really “zealous” pioneer/elder-kid /super-spiritual crowd were treated like the “in group,” while everyone else kind of got sidelined socially. More often than not, she was on the outside of that, and eventually I was too despite auxiliary pioneering and having an elder stepfather myself. So I think part of me relates to her a lot in that sense too. But I also don’t want to accidentally overwhelm her or put her in a difficult position socially/religiously.

At the moment, I’m unsure how to handle:

• how the I would even initially contact her after all this time
• what I would even say in the first message
• whether asking to meet for tea one-on-one is even something I could do
• how to actually make plans in a way that doesn’t create social/religious problems for her
• if there would be some way to safely gauge her on the PIMI/PIMO spectrum
• whether I should avoid talking about the Bible or Organization unless asked
• whether I should avoid mentioning the genderqueerness/pansexuality unless directly asked
• whether my appearance/presentation is going to make things awkward
• how cautious I should be emotionally considering JW culture
• how to navigate the male/female friendship dynamics JW culture creates
• whether contacting her could create problems with her family because of the whole “bad association/apostate” thing
• what I’d even do if I ended up interacting with her younger brother, who I’ve historically had friction with and who still has privileges
• whether I should even risk my presence in town becoming known at all considering how messy things were when I left

Truth be told, I’m really unsure how to navigate the gender/social dynamics around this because of JW culture. In a normal environment this would just be "two old friends catching up," but with the JW culture around male/female friendships, appearances, reputation, and
bad association," it feels way more complicated than it should.

Part of what makes me anxious is that I genuinely don’t know how I’d handle things if I ended up having to interact with her family. Her parents are kind people, but they’re obviously already dealing with a lot right now, and I have no idea how they’d react knowing she was hanging out with someone who left and is basically considered apostate now There’s also her slightly younger brother, who while not a bad person, has a very strong personality and who I’ve usually had real friction with. He has privileges too and could probably be considered slightly less "lukewarm" than the rest of the family, and honestly I would really rather avoid any confrontation or awkwardness with him entirely.

In general, I’d honestly rather not have my presence known in town at all due to the events surrounding me leaving and the people/ideas I could end up being forced to confront again. Especially considering that most people there who knew me would immediately know where I’m staying if word got around that I was back.

Has anyone here reconnected with Old Friends after leaving? Especially when they were potentially in the "lukewarm/questioning" area? Any advice on how to approach this would be VERY Appreciated.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this <3