Ok so, i have been having pretty terrible thoughts that keeps popping up in my head over and over again since the beginning of my birthday and school 

So before they have arrived. I wanted to do something very amazing for myself. I wanted to follow my dreams, achieve my goals as much as i can and also be a better person for myself and others, especially when it was my birthday soon, so i wanted to spend it very well and make the best memories that I will never forget. 

But something kept disrupting it and I am unable to achieve what i want. 

So about my dream. I want to be an animator for shows and or movies. I also want to be someone that made stories and cartoons. So i wanted to try and push my way further by making an account for that. 

I have once posted my drawings before and it went well. Not that it was very famous, I got a handfull of likes but I still enjoyed it. 

So I thought, of trying to push the algorithm more. But all of the sudden at summer, I kept having these unwanted thoughts.

Look, i have had unwanted thoughts before. They aren’t fun at all. Especially since it makes me stress about it so much that it makes me not be able to focus or even do things that I love doing. 

But this time, they were different. The themes of these thoughts were different and they scared me. 

I kept having thoughts telling me ‘’oh what if you are a terrible person that said harmful things to others. What if you commented something bad and that you are a disgusting person like other famous content creators’’ 

At first i ignored it, but then it kept getting worse and worse and it has gotten to a point where i kept getting thoughts like ‘’oh, you really want to be a bad person. Look at you, you are terrible. You said horrible things in comments and you are only saying that you didn’t because you want to deny the fact that you are just a performative person that just want to manipulate others to think that you are a good person’’ 

And it scared me so bad. I even kept getting thoughts telling me to delete all of my comments even though they weren’t hurtful or comments that I have said when I was very young and these comments were just me being a bit embarrassing in the comments. 

I even would dm the people that I commented on their videos and would make an apology letter. Or when they block me, i would comment a big apology letter on another public comment, tagging them and comment a whole apology letter. 

I know it sounds weird, but i don’t do this to annoy the person, i usually do this because i can’t bear the idea of hurting another person by accident and also because i hate being misunderstood. So i would try and tell them that I didn’t mean to hurt them and that I really don’t want to be a terrible person 

These thoughts because so bad to the point of deleting my old account and every comments that I made because i was afraid if i was convincing myself into thinking that those comments are ‘’not bad’’ and that they are actually terrible and that I am hallucinating about making nice comments. 

It was very tiring and also very upsetting. 

It also affect me with school. I keep getting weird thoughts telling me that others hate me and that they want me dead. 

Or that there will be groups of girls that are going to beat me up and that it deserve it because i ‘’insulted them’’ even though i didn’t talk to these grou of girls. 

Not only that, one of my friends introduced me to this same girl that I kept having these weird thoughts and said ‘’oh this is *my name*! The friend that I have been talking about. She is very nice!’’ 

We waved, but i still kept having thoughts telling me that she is disgusted by me and that she wants to hurt me because I am a bad person or a racist. 

Or thoughts telling me that her and the rest of her group of friends are going to tackle me and rip all of my hair and that I deserve it because i am a gross and evil person. 

I am so tired of this because I keep getting horrible notes at school and it is distracting me. 

It is also making me not want to chase my dreams because i kept getting thoughts telling me that i am a problematic person and that people in the world are going to hate me, and that I deserve the hate that I get. So it just felt poitless because no bad person deserves to make contents. 

Or thoughts telling me  ‘’ oh, but you know hackers exists. They are going to hack your account tant think you are disgusting’’ even though i have nothing to be afraid of

I wouldn’t want hackers to see my private things for obvious reasons. But i also don’t have any bad things to hide. 

It is true that last year, I have once had so much terrible thoughts that I kept spamming the same questions on Google asking ‘’ oh what if I am doing something unhealthy with my mental health’’ over and over again. But they have stopped and now turned into this 

I was so tired of it, I still am tired of it. 

Idk what to do either because everytime I try to ignore it, it comes back worse. It doesn’t help. I even kept having nightmares about myself doing bad things to others and it just sickened me

And I kept getting thoughts saying ‘’oh, you had a dream about this. It means that it is your true desires and that you want to be a bad person and calling them harmful things’’

And keep getting thoughts telling me that i was a bad person and that I deserve to be harmed because I bad people shouldn’t be treated like a human being. 

Or I keep getting intrusive images of people at my school doing violent things, hurting and aggressively insulting me because I am a bad person and that I deserve this type of treatment. 

I am scared of somehow being a bad person so badly. What if I am just trying to convince myself that I a, a good person to manipulate others into thinking that I am good but in reality I am a bad person. 

I even kept getting weird thoughts anytime I see someone getting scolded by teachers, principals or even secretaries. 

When I see these people misbehaving and seeing them getting scolded by the adults for misbehaving. I get thoughts telling me ‘’you should be at their place by now. You should be treated this way by adults. You are even worse than this kid. Yet you are getting yelled at. This is how much you don’t deserve such luxury of adults being kinder to you’’ 

And it even kept telling me things like ‘’ you need to admit that you are a bad person to these teachers, show them how much you are terrible because they deserve to know the truth about how you really don’t deserve being treated as a polite student’’ 

It is weird. I don’t like these thoughts. They are kind of annoying. But for some reason I agree bc, what if I actually am a bad person and is just making myself think that I am not out of denial? 

Like, maybe my thoughts are right. I should be treated terribly.

And it isn’t just with the teachers or principals either. I also get the same thoughts when it comes to police officers. 

I don’t know why. I just keep getting thoughts telling me that i am worse than the people in prison and that police officers should treat me like shit just like how they treat prisoners like shit because  ‘’ I am worse than the criminals in bars’’ and that I desserve to be dehumanized by the police, the world or just everyone in general because they should see me as such

And  again, for some reason, I agree even though I am sure that I did not do anything wrong. Because what if I am actually a bad person and that I am just very good at manipulating myself and others into thinking that I am good? I don’t want to do that. I wouldn’t do this. I could never.

But what if i am just denying it? 

Which scares me so much. Not only that, i wouldn’t want to be mistreated. Especially by adults and police officers or be a prisoner myself. It would just be traumatizing or upsetting for me. It is already traumatizing at school so I wouldn’t want this either.

But for some reason, I feel like I should be treated like a bad person. Because of how these thoughts are just so convincing. I am scared of being a bad person, but what  if i am denying about it? That is scarier 

Ok so, i have been having pretty terrible thoughts that keeps popping up in my head over and over again since the beginning of my birthday and school 

So before they have arrived. I wanted to do something very amazing for myself. I wanted to follow my dreams, achieve my goals as much as i can and also be a better person for myself and others, especially when it was my birthday soon, so i wanted to spend it very well and make the best memories that I will never forget. 

But something kept disrupting it and I am unable to achieve what i want. 

So about my dream. I want to be an animator for shows and or movies. I also want to be someone that made stories and cartoons. So i wanted to try and push my way further by making an account for that. 

I have once posted my drawings before and it went well. Not that it was very famous, I got a handfull of likes but I still enjoyed it. 

So I thought, of trying to push the algorithm more. But all of the sudden at summer, I kept having these unwanted thoughts.

Look, i have had unwanted thoughts before. They aren’t fun at all. Especially since it makes me stress about it so much that it makes me not be able to focus or even do things that I love doing. 

But this time, they were different. The themes of these thoughts were different and they scared me. 

I kept having thoughts telling me ‘’oh what if you are a terrible person that said harmful things to others. What if you commented something bad and that you are a disgusting person like other famous content creators’’ 

At first i ignored it, but then it kept getting worse and worse and it has gotten to a point where i kept getting thoughts like ‘’oh, you really want to be a bad person. Look at you, you are terrible. You said horrible things in comments and you are only saying that you didn’t because you want to deny the fact that you are just a performative person that just want to manipulate others to think that you are a good person’’ 

And it scared me so bad. I even kept getting thoughts telling me to delete all of my comments even though they weren’t hurtful or comments that I have said when I was very young and these comments were just me being a bit embarrassing in the comments. 

I even would dm the people that I commented on their videos and would make an apology letter. Or when they block me, i would comment a big apology letter on another public comment, tagging them and comment a whole apology letter. 

I know it sounds weird, but i don’t do this to annoy the person, i usually do this because i can’t bear the idea of hurting another person by accident and also because i hate being misunderstood. So i would try and tell them that I didn’t mean to hurt them and that I really don’t want to be a terrible person 

These thoughts because so bad to the point of deleting my old account and every comments that I made because i was afraid if i was convincing myself into thinking that those comments are ‘’not bad’’ and that they are actually terrible and that I am hallucinating about making nice comments. 

It was very tiring and also very upsetting. 

It also affect me with school. I keep getting weird thoughts telling me that others hate me and that they want me dead. 

Or that there will be groups of girls that are going to beat me up and that it deserve it because i ‘’insulted them’’ even though i didn’t talk to these grou of girls. 

Not only that, one of my friends introduced me to this same girl that I kept having these weird thoughts and said ‘’oh this is *my name*! The friend that I have been talking about. She is very nice!’’ 

We waved, but i still kept having thoughts telling me that she is disgusted by me and that she wants to hurt me because I am a bad person or a racist. 

Or thoughts telling me that her and the rest of her group of friends are going to tackle me and rip all of my hair and that I deserve it because i am a gross and evil person. 

I am so tired of this because I keep getting horrible notes at school and it is distracting me. 

It is also making me not want to chase my dreams because i kept getting thoughts telling me that i am a problematic person and that people in the world are going to hate me, and that I deserve the hate that I get. So it just felt poitless because no bad person deserves to make contents. 

Or thoughts telling me  ‘’ oh, but you know hackers exists. They are going to hack your account tant think you are disgusting’’ even though i have nothing to be afraid of

I wouldn’t want hackers to see my private things for obvious reasons. But i also don’t have any bad things to hide. 

It is true that last year, I have once had so much terrible thoughts that I kept spamming the same questions on Google asking ‘’ oh what if I am doing something unhealthy with my mental health’’ over and over again. But they have stopped and now turned into this 

I was so tired of it, I still am tired of it. 

Idk what to do either because everytime I try to ignore it, it comes back worse. It doesn’t help. I even kept having nightmares about myself doing bad things to others and it just sickened me

And I kept getting thoughts saying ‘’oh, you had a dream about this. It means that it is your true desires and that you want to be a bad person and calling them harmful things’’

And keep getting thoughts telling me that i was a bad person and that I deserve to be harmed because I bad people shouldn’t be treated like a human being. 

Or I keep getting intrusive images of people at my school doing violent things, hurting and aggressively insulting me because I am a bad person and that I deserve this type of treatment. 

I am scared of somehow being a bad person so badly. What if I am just trying to convince myself that I a, a good person to manipulate others into thinking that I am good but in reality I am a bad person. 

I even kept getting weird thoughts anytime I see someone getting scolded by teachers, principals or even secretaries. 

When I see these people misbehaving and seeing them getting scolded by the adults for misbehaving. I get thoughts telling me ‘’you should be at their place by now. You should be treated this way by adults. You are even worse than this kid. Yet you are getting yelled at. This is how much you don’t deserve such luxury of adults being kinder to you’’ 

And it even kept telling me things like ‘’ you need to admit that you are a bad person to these teachers, show them how much you are terrible because they deserve to know the truth about how you really don’t deserve being treated as a polite student’’ 

It is weird. I don’t like these thoughts. They are kind of annoying. But for some reason I agree bc, what if I actually am a bad person and is just making myself think that I am not out of denial? 

Like, maybe my thoughts are right. I should be treated terribly.

And it isn’t just with the teachers or principals either. I also get the same thoughts when it comes to police officers. 

I don’t know why. I just keep getting thoughts telling me that i am worse than the people in prison and that police officers should treat me like shit just like how they treat prisoners like shit because  ‘’ I am worse than the criminals in bars’’ and that I desserve to be dehumanized by the police, the world or just everyone in general because they should see me as such

And  again, for some reason, I agree even though I am sure that I did not do anything wrong. Because what if I am actually a bad person and that I am just very good at manipulating myself and others into thinking that I am good? I don’t want to do that. I wouldn’t do this. I could never.

But what if i am just denying it? 

Which scares me so much. Not only that, i wouldn’t want to be mistreated. Especially by adults and police officers or be a prisoner myself. It would just be traumatizing or upsetting for me. It is already traumatizing at school so I wouldn’t want this either.

But for some reason, I feel like I should be treated like a bad person. Because of how these thoughts are just so convincing. I am scared of being a bad person, but what  if i am denying about it? That is scarier 

(Btw I am very new to doing things like this with my hair. So i might be doing something wrong without me knowing and I would love for someone to correct me and also tell me what I should be doing for my hair bc I am again very new and would really appreciate it. )

Hi, so i have naturally curly hair, that is also very messy and wild on its own which makes it difficult to manage (it is also very greasy, but also dry at the same time? Idk if it is even possible but here we are. Oh and my hair type is different in each section to what i am seeing?? Idk how to explain it. It is like from 3a to 3c at the very back, 2c at the sides and 2b from the front. It is kind of difficult to explain it) 

I have never actually been able to manage my own curly hair and has never let them curly at all, since my own mother used to straighten them a lot

She herself, didn’t knew how to manage my hair, and her only solution was to straighten them 

It became this way since i was a toddler and a young teen. At first, she used to just straighten them at winter and only leave them curly at summer. But then, she started to straighten them every year and would even dislike the fact that some strands of my hair flying upwards. She would call them ‘’ antenas ‘’ and even sometimes would think that i didn’t brush my hair even though i did, it was just that my these strands of hair kind of naturally flies at the front of my face 

( it could be bc i also used to have bangs, but then when they grew longer, my mother decided to try and cut them short bc she didn’t want me to lose my bangs but then ended up cutting it too high to the point of me looking like a troll in public) 

So yeah, she hated those messy strands of  kept flying on my face and would usually straighten this part more 

Then when i became 13, she tried insisting me on hair relaxer, but i refused bc i didn’t want to lose my curls (even though in kept getting straightened)

For years my hair kept getting straightened until i reached 16 and i thought fuck it, i want my curls back 

So i decided to let the curls come back, which worked ofc. But it didn’t had the poofiness that it used to have

I used to had this kind of wild afro-like hair that was also pretty bouncy (I wouldn’t say that they are actual afro hair. I don’t have 4c hair, but it still had a similar look to it)

So when i noticed this, i did my own research and started to care for them by using products that were made for curly hair (i also decided to cut them short) 

And also used a brush made for that, which made it easy for me to brush them and maintain my curls

My mother at first was sceptical about this until she saw that I was managing them well and was okay with me keeping my curls

Which was going well, even some ppl outside of my familly thought that it looked nice

Until I had a conversation with that one girl we were talking about hair and she mentioned how i needed to use products for my hair and i told her that I did AND mentioned what I usually do for my hair. And then she looked and me and said ‘’you aren’t supposed to brush them wet every day’’ 

Which got me confused bc when i saw vidoes or just searched on how to brush curly hair in the morning, they always say yo wet them or have damp hair and add product before brushing them

And when i told her that, she said that it’s only like this after showering and also told me that i needed to wear a bonnet when sleeping (which i am not a big fan of)

So now I am confused because I thought I was doing well until she told me that and I am afraid if I was messing my hair up and I also now don’t know how to manage my hair in the morning. Bc yk, when you wake up, you have to brush your hair.

And the only advice that I keep hearing on the internet is to wet them add product and brush them (and add more products and diffuse them to keep the curls) 

But when I just now Heard that this isn’t what I was supposed to do and that I should not wet my hair to brush them kind of makes me feel embarrassed now

And for the bonnet thing…Idk what to do with it either since I don’t like the feeling of it in my head

yes Ik what you are thinking..how am I maintaining my  curls without a bonnet? I braid them before going to sleep. It works for me. But apparently I might have been going all wrong with this and this makes me feel more embarrased

So yeah, this leads me to asking this question, what should i do when i need to brush my hair in the morning? 

Should I wet my hair and add products everytime I have to brush them or do I have to do something else?

And is there any other kinds of things to cover my hair to sleep that isn’t a bonnet? Like a scarf or something similar to that or does it HAVE to be a bonnet? 

I would really appreciate the help and information and thank you for listening 

(Fyi:idk if i should even inform this. But i used to also have lice when i was 5 and the only way to remove them was to put bug spray in my head and then give me a bixie haircut. And after that lice situation, it caused me to have dandruffs and greasy hair. It is strange bc i also have dried out hair, anytime water touches my hair it always lays on top like it is waterproof, idk if this is even a good thing. And if it isn’t how do I fix this?) 

(warning, this post might be very tmi and i terribly apologize. agai, i have no one else to talk to and this is just the only access that i have for now. I Hope you understand where i am coming from)

Ok so, there was these strange unwanted thoughts that kept appearing in my head for the past months and it is now making me very uncomfortable and very upset because those thoughts are kind of telling me that i am something that i know that i am not.  But the thoughts are so crazy convincing to the point that i am afraid if i am a horrible person

So it has all started from a show that somebody has concinved me to watch and in this show there was a male actor that i have gotten curious to know bc he seemed cool and wanted to know how many characters he played.

I searched out of curiousity, at first it was nice until i found stumbled upon a post that talked about his looks. Saying how he is very pretty and androgynous and i thought ‘’ yeah, it’s true, he is beautiful’’ and that was just it. Nothing much happened

So I scrolled and scrolled, i stumbled upon fans saying that he is gay and that he came out as gay on his concert once. I saw the comment and was like ‘’cool, good to know’’ and it wasn’t a big of a deal until i kind of got curious about his fanbase and this is where things  might have went downhill for me.

Look, i am not saying that all of his fanbases are like this. I am sure that most of them are normal and are not always like this. I am just talking about the ones that are very weird

I have noticed that some of his fanbase were pretty strange (not all, but some). They have this weird tendancy of sexualizing his photos of when he was very young, saying how his prime was when he was a teenager, babying everything that he does. They also have a very parasocial behaviour when he is seen with the opposite gender and also have this strange obsession about his sexuality, not just because he is gay, but because of how he is always casted as a gay character.

They also would ship him with his male castmate a lot. At first, they used to ship their characters but then they started to ship the real actors and saying how he is secretly with him. Being completely obsessed with who he is with/what his orientation is and even using his songs as examples, saying that in the lyrics of his song he is hinting that he is secretly with his male castmates or something like that

And idk what happened to me, but something about the way the fanbase see him kind of made me very uncomfortable for how they only liked him for his looks and how they are overly obsessed they are with what gender he is attracted to/who is in a relationship with. It kind of seemed like they only saw him as a fictional character/object and not like a real person

At first i was about to get off of the app until i started to have an unwanted thought telling me 

‘’oh, so this means that you are mad that he is gay and is with a male castmate’’

At first i was shocked because i never had this type of thought saying this. At first i. Thought ‘’ no? Why would i care about who he is with?’’ 

But then i kept having another strange thought telling me ‘’ well, you just said that he is beautiful, so it means that you like him and that you are just mad that you found out that he is gay and inlove with somebody else so it means that you secretly want to give him conversion therapy’’

And this is where i started to become very upset and also has sadly started to affect my whole day because this was not what i thought at all.

It’s true that i said he is beautiful, but i wasn’t into him. I mean that as just out of admirance and not attraction.

I wasn’t even upset about the fact that he is gay, i didn’t even care. I just didn’t like how his fans only saw him for his looks and sexuality. I also just didn’t like the way they kept shipping him with others because it felted like invading somebodies privacy and i just didn’t want to interact with people like that. And even if he did infact got into a relationship with his castmate, i wouldn’t care at all as long as they are happy

But then i kept having even more worse thoughts telling me ‘’You are only saying that you are not into shipping him with his castmate as an excuse to be homophobic towards him and to deny that you are a those crazy jealous people who becomes upset when they find out that their crush is gay. So if you don’t ship him with his castmates, you are just as bad as his fans’’ 

And this is where i started to force myself to ship him with the castmate because i got scared if i was somehow a homophobe in denial that wants to hate on queer ships 

I kind of also became a people pleaser when it comes to his fans because they also were kind of bashing on some people that didn’t like the ship and telling them that they are denying the fact that he is gay and are homophobic.

And i was afraid of becoming some sort of homophobic person for not being into the ship either. 

And each day, it became some sort of weird routine of me checking if i am a hater of this guy for simple being apart of the lgbt community. 

It also got to a point that i would become triggered for seeing his photos, not because i hate him (not to mention I DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW THIS MAN) but because i also gotten horrible unwanted thoughts telling me ‘’if you look at him, then it means you are into him and want to force him into conversion therapy for being gay’’

Just so you know, i am not even into this man in any romantic way, so it made me extremely uncomfortable. But i kept having thoughts telling me that i am ‘’secretly shaming myself for having celebrity crushes’’ even though i was not even doing this at all, i just didn’t like the thoughts and it made me so uncomfortable, especially when I DON’T KNOW HIM (and he is older than me so it is an absolute no no, i am not into people who are older than me) 

But they became progressively worse to the point that anytime that I look at singular photo of this guy, it would trigger unwanted thoughts telling me that i am a horrible person, telling me that if i met him, i would be rude to him and to horrible things to him just for his sexuality even though it is genuinely not what i want to do. I would never do this to someone and it isn’t something that i would even desire to do. And not to mention….I DON’T FUCKING KNOW THIS GUY 

It became so bad that I couldn’t handle it and blocked him on every platform that he had or just anything that was related to him.

I even stopped watching my favourite show that he was involved in because of how bad the thoughts has become. I have to check the casting lists in case he would even be here because i didn’t want to be triggered by him again

Literally just anything that this guy was involved in or related to this guy would become a huge trigger and i would just avoid them completely

And I thought that it would all be over after blocking him and avoiding him but no. My thoughts has become even worse and now it isn’t about the actor anymore, but just about the mlm community

I kept having thoughts telling me that i am a horrible person that hates gay men and is denying it by blocking the actor.

And it kept continuing and continuing until i kept having thoughts telling to watch mlm contents or that I need to fantasize about two men doing it and that if i don’t, then i am a bad person that is homophobic and supports purity culture. 

So i kept having this uncomfortable routine of forcing myself into watching mlm contents/fantasies because i was afraid if i was being a homophobic puritain. 

I tried to be neutral about those contents but i felted physically sick or nauseous. I wasn’t into what i was watching, not to mention that i am sex-repulsed and seeing male genitals kind of makes me so uncomfortable 

But idk why i keep feeling sick when watching them because even before these thoughts, it wasn’t the first time i watched pornography. I mean, i did have unwanted thoughts, but it wasn’t about hating gay men, before, i had unwanted thoughts telling me that i was forcing myself to be asexual/repressing sexual attraction because i wasn’t into sex and didn’t relate to others when it came to being sexually attracted to others and even once forced myself to watch pornography because i also had a similar thought telling me that if i don’t watch people have sex and enjoy it, then it must means that i am forcing myself to hate it because sex is normal (which i agree, it is normal) and i need to like it like how others do because if others feel it’s then i should too. 

But now, those thoughts developped new themes and now are telling me to watch mlm nsfw content/fantasize about them and that if i don’t then i am shaming gay men for wanting to have sex with other men.

And it again, made me develop this routine of me watching that content because i was afraid of somehow shaming men for simple being gay.

And ngl, it was very unpleasant, i am again, not super into sex and seeing genatalia (especially male) also makes me extremely uncomfortable. 

So it would happen for me to feel sick when watching it and sometimes feel pale or nauseous, which i know it is not a very good condition to have when watching this. But anytime when i want to stop watching them, my brain would constantly tell me that if i don’t continue watching them, then i am a homophobic person who wants to harm gay men.

It went on and on until i now have developped a new unwanted thought which makes everything worse. 

Ok so, i saw a post of a comic that someone posted about an asian man and a black cowboy that fell inlove with eachother in the past and lived a happy ending. 

I thought that this comic was adorable and genuinely loved how diverse it was because i barely see any queer content that was diverse with race and i absolutely appreciate his they wrote it

But then my brain gaved me a thought that made me completely want to throw away my brain and phone

‘’you are fetishizing gay men and only see them as sex toys if you love this comic’’ 

And this made me feel completely terrified because i wasn’t trying to fetishize the comic. I genuinely appreciated the story, plot and the diversity that it has. I genuinely loved it and wasn’t trying to turn it into some sort of fetish

But my brain kept repeating this over and over again saying ‘’well you are just saying that to deny the fact that you are fetishizing gay men and see them as objects rather than a human being because your have been watching mlm porn content’’ 

Even though i didn’t watched the content out of enjoyment, but because of being afraid of somehow being a homophobe. And now it keeps telling me ‘’What if you secretly enjoyed the contents and is just saying that you don’t to deny the idea that you are fetishizing them?’’ 

When i wasn’t doing that. Not only that, i genuinely would feel uncomfortable when consuming these contents and now i am getting thoughts telling me that i am just saying that as an excuse to deny them when i am genuinely telling the truth

I am genuinely so scared right now, i am scared if i am somehow a terrible person that wants to harm the mlm community, fetishizing them and secretly denying about it.

I don’t want to be that kind of person, i genuienly don’t like these thoughts and now i am scared if i am somehow only saying that i don’t like them to deny my problems, i am so scared

and if i really am, i just wanted to say that i am so sorry. i really don’t mean to and i want to fix this. i really do, i don’t want to be a horrible person and i want to learn to get better

(warning, this post might be very tmi and i terribly apologize. agai, i have no one else to talk to and this is just the only access that i have for now. I Hope you understand where i am coming from)

Ok so, there was these strange unwanted thoughts that kept appearing in my head for the past months and it is now making me very uncomfortable and very upset because those thoughts are kind of telling me that i am something that i know that i am not.  But the thoughts are so crazy convincing to the point that i am afraid if i am a horrible person

So it has all started from a show that somebody has concinved me to watch and in this show there was a male actor that i have gotten curious to know bc he seemed cool and wanted to know how many characters he played.

I searched out of curiousity, at first it was nice until i found stumbled upon a post that talked about his looks. Saying how he is very pretty and androgynous and i thought ‘’ yeah, it’s true, he is beautiful’’ and that was just it. Nothing much happened

So I scrolled and scrolled, i stumbled upon fans saying that he is gay and that he came out as gay on his concert once. I saw the comment and was like ‘’cool, good to know’’ and it wasn’t a big of a deal until i kind of got curious about his fanbase and this is where things  might have went downhill for me.

Look, i am not saying that all of his fanbases are like this. I am sure that most of them are normal and are not always like this. I am just talking about the ones that are very weird

I have noticed that some of his fanbase were pretty strange (not all, but some). They have this weird tendancy of sexualizing his photos of when he was very young, saying how his prime was when he was a teenager, babying everything that he does. They also have a very parasocial behaviour when he is seen with the opposite gender and also have this strange obsession about his sexuality, not just because he is gay, but because of how he is always casted as a gay character.

They also would ship him with his male castmate a lot. At first, they used to ship their characters but then they started to ship the real actors and saying how he is secretly with him. Being completely obsessed with who he is with/what his orientation is and even using his songs as examples, saying that in the lyrics of his song he is hinting that he is secretly with his male castmates or something like that

And idk what happened to me, but something about the way the fanbase see him kind of made me very uncomfortable for how they only liked him for his looks and how they are overly obsessed they are with what gender he is attracted to/who is in a relationship with. It kind of seemed like they only saw him as a fictional character/object and not like a real person

At first i was about to get off of the app until i started to have an unwanted thought telling me 

‘’oh, so this means that you are mad that he is gay and is with a male castmate’’

At first i was shocked because i never had this type of thought saying this. At first i. Thought ‘’ no? Why would i care about who he is with?’’ 

But then i kept having another strange thought telling me ‘’ well, you just said that he is beautiful, so it means that you like him and that you are just mad that you found out that he is gay and inlove with somebody else so it means that you secretly want to give him conversion therapy’’

And this is where i started to become very upset and also has sadly started to affect my whole day because this was not what i thought at all.

It’s true that i said he is beautiful, but i wasn’t into him. I mean that as just out of admirance and not attraction.

I wasn’t even upset about the fact that he is gay, i didn’t even care. I just didn’t like how his fans only saw him for his looks and sexuality. I also just didn’t like the way they kept shipping him with others because it felted like invading somebodies privacy and i just didn’t want to interact with people like that. And even if he did infact got into a relationship with his castmate, i wouldn’t care at all as long as they are happy

But then i kept having even more worse thoughts telling me ‘’You are only saying that you are not into shipping him with his castmate as an excuse to be homophobic towards him and to deny that you are a those crazy jealous people who becomes upset when they find out that their crush is gay. So if you don’t ship him with his castmates, you are just as bad as his fans’’ 

And this is where i started to force myself to ship him with the castmate because i got scared if i was somehow a homophobe in denial that wants to hate on queer ships 

I kind of also became a people pleaser when it comes to his fans because they also were kind of bashing on some people that didn’t like the ship and telling them that they are denying the fact that he is gay and are homophobic.

And i was afraid of becoming some sort of homophobic person for not being into the ship either. 

And each day, it became some sort of weird routine of me checking if i am a hater of this guy for simple being apart of the lgbt community. 

It also got to a point that i would become triggered for seeing his photos, not because i hate him (not to mention I DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW THIS MAN) but because i also gotten horrible unwanted thoughts telling me ‘’if you look at him, then it means you are into him and want to force him into conversion therapy for being gay’’

Just so you know, i am not even into this man in any romantic way, so it made me extremely uncomfortable. But i kept having thoughts telling me that i am ‘’secretly shaming myself for having celebrity crushes’’ even though i was not even doing this at all, i just didn’t like the thoughts and it made me so uncomfortable, especially when I DON’T KNOW HIM (and he is older than me so it is an absolute no no, i am not into people who are older than me) 

But they became progressively worse to the point that anytime that I look at singular photo of this guy, it would trigger unwanted thoughts telling me that i am a horrible person, telling me that if i met him, i would be rude to him and to horrible things to him just for his sexuality even though it is genuinely not what i want to do. I would never do this to someone and it isn’t something that i would even desire to do. And not to mention….I DON’T FUCKING KNOW THIS GUY 

It became so bad that I couldn’t handle it and blocked him on every platform that he had or just anything that was related to him.

I even stopped watching my favourite show that he was involved in because of how bad the thoughts has become. I have to check the casting lists in case he would even be here because i didn’t want to be triggered by him again

Literally just anything that this guy was involved in or related to this guy would become a huge trigger and i would just avoid them completely

And I thought that it would all be over after blocking him and avoiding him but no. My thoughts has become even worse and now it isn’t about the actor anymore, but just about the mlm community

I kept having thoughts telling me that i am a horrible person that hates gay men and is denying it by blocking the actor.

And it kept continuing and continuing until i kept having thoughts telling to watch mlm contents or that I need to fantasize about two men doing it and that if i don’t, then i am a bad person that is homophobic and supports purity culture. 

So i kept having this uncomfortable routine of forcing myself into watching mlm contents/fantasies because i was afraid if i was being a homophobic puritain. 

I tried to be neutral about those contents but i felted physically sick or nauseous. I wasn’t into what i was watching, not to mention that i am sex-repulsed and seeing male genitals kind of makes me so uncomfortable 

But idk why i keep feeling sick when watching them because even before these thoughts, it wasn’t the first time i watched pornography. I mean, i did have unwanted thoughts, but it wasn’t about hating gay men, before, i had unwanted thoughts telling me that i was forcing myself to be asexual/repressing sexual attraction because i wasn’t into sex and didn’t relate to others when it came to being sexually attracted to others and even once forced myself to watch pornography because i also had a similar thought telling me that if i don’t watch people have sex and enjoy it, then it must means that i am forcing myself to hate it because sex is normal (which i agree, it is normal) and i need to like it like how others do because if others feel it’s then i should too. 

But now, those thoughts developped new themes and now are telling me to watch mlm nsfw content/fantasize about them and that if i don’t then i am shaming gay men for wanting to have sex with other men.

And it again, made me develop this routine of me watching that content because i was afraid of somehow shaming men for simple being gay.

And ngl, it was very unpleasant, i am again, not super into sex and seeing genatalia (especially male) also makes me extremely uncomfortable. 

So it would happen for me to feel sick when watching it and sometimes feel pale or nauseous, which i know it is not a very good condition to have when watching this. But anytime when i want to stop watching them, my brain would constantly tell me that if i don’t continue watching them, then i am a homophobic person who wants to harm gay men.

It went on and on until i now have developped a new unwanted thought which makes everything worse. 

Ok so, i saw a post of a comic that someone posted about an asian man and a black cowboy that fell inlove with eachother in the past and lived a happy ending. 

I thought that this comic was adorable and genuinely loved how diverse it was because i barely see any queer content that was diverse with race and i absolutely appreciate his they wrote it

But then my brain gaved me a thought that made me completely want to throw away my brain and phone

‘’you are fetishizing gay men and only see them as sex toys if you love this comic’’ 

And this made me feel completely terrified because i wasn’t trying to fetishize the comic. I genuinely appreciated the story, plot and the diversity that it has. I genuinely loved it and wasn’t trying to turn it into some sort of fetish

But my brain kept repeating this over and over again saying ‘’well you are just saying that to deny the fact that you are fetishizing gay men and see them as objects rather than a human being because your have been watching mlm porn content’’ 

Even though i didn’t watched the content out of enjoyment, but because of being afraid of somehow being a homophobe. And now it keeps telling me ‘’What if you secretly enjoyed the contents and is just saying that you don’t to deny the idea that you are fetishizing them?’’ 

When i wasn’t doing that. Not only that, i genuinely would feel uncomfortable when consuming these contents and now i am getting thoughts telling me that i am just saying that as an excuse to deny them when i am genuinely telling the truth

I am genuinely so scared right now, i am scared if i am somehow a terrible person that wants to harm the mlm community, fetishizing them and secretly denying about it.

I don’t want to be that kind of person, i genuienly don’t like these thoughts and now i am scared if i am somehow only saying that i don’t like them to deny my problems, i am so scared

and if i really am, i just wanted to say that i am so sorry. i really don’t mean to and i want to fix this. i really do, i don’t want to be a horrible person and i want to learn to get better

Ok so, there was something that i have been doing for a while and i don’t think i can ignore it anymore because I am starting to get annoyed and concerned

So before I mention about it, I have another post that I have talked about before and it is kind of related to what I m going to talk about right now. Idk how to put the link on, but you can go in my account and you Will see the title called 

‘’ Am I repressing sexual attraction or is it just SO-OCD/intrusive thoughts messing with me’’ 

So yeah, if you want o know more details, this is the post that you can choose to read to understand better

WARNING: this post might also be very tmi, and i apologise for it

anyways, let’s start

Ok so, i have been trying to sexually fantasize, but the issue is that i mentally don’t feel anything

Idk how to explain it exactly. 

Like, when i make myself sexually fantasize, my body would physically react like it was aroused, but deep down, i don’t really feel anything, not to mention that i am not super into the thoughts and idea. 

It all started at night, i kept having unwanted thoughts. I was supposed to sleep, I wanted to sleep, but i kept having those uncomfortable thoughts that kept me up at night and it didn’t stop

I tried pushing them away, ignoring them but it kept coming back worse. 

I kept getting thoughts telling me that if I don’t want to think about sex, then i am trying to push my sexual desires and that i will end up like a sexually repressed incel if I don’t do it

So I did. I tried to kind of  make myself enjoy it or try and react how most people would enjoy the thoughts or imagine how the characters in them would react and all of that. I tried imagining the characters enjoying them and tried to put myself in their shoes or something like that.

I thought that it worked and that i enjoyed it because i noticed that my body got physically aroused by the thought, so it technically means that I did, right? 

But i don’t know, because i mentally didn’t felt the way that my body felt. I felted more like I was just playing the character, but not enjoying what the character felt. 

Even for how my body reacted, I deep down didn’t have any sort of feeling

So I thought ‘’ok, it might have been just a waste of my time. I should stop doing it’’ because the more I tried, the more tired and strangely sick I felt and it was also just so boring

But then it happened again and again and it just didn’t stop. Each night, these same thoughts would pop up ( which these thoughts aren’t thought about intentionally, they just pop out of nowhere without any choise ) even though i didn’t want them. But then i get these voice in my head telling me 

‘’ what if you are just saying that you don’t like it to deny your true sexual desires by repressing them? If you really didn’t like it, then your body wouldn’t get physically aroused by them in the first place’’ 

Or just thoughts telling me that if don’t then I am trying to resist my true urges and that i am trying to ‘’sexually shame myself’’

Which terrifies me because I am not and would never be the type of person that would repress and shame their feelings. Whether it’s emotional romantic or sexual. It is against my morals to repress my feelings and attractions for things and others

So when i got this thought i got terrified, because I don’t want to somehow do that to myself, and i never will. 

So i would just make myself continue the thoughts. Doing the same thing and trying to be in the characters shoes, how they would react or feel in these sexual situation or how hot it is supposed to feel

But then again, it is still not it. It’s strange because i don’t feel like I genuinely enjoy this, it just feels like I am just playing the character and trying to get an idea on how they would feel. But i deep down, don’t feel anything. It just feels like I am disassociating myself from it and it is weird ( i even tried changing the stories thinking i am just not into specific acts. But they all feel the same)

I also would feel strangely sick, and would feel completely nauseous and weirdly paled by the thought. Could be because i am not super into sex. I am sex-repusled. But i don’t think it’s normal at all

Not only that, i don’t think i even liked these fantasies either. They just made me tired, nauseous and just boring in general. I didn’t want these thoughts at all because it isn’t my cup of tea. They made me uncomfortable and almost felted like my brain was trying to disrespect my boundaries. 

I would even beg it to stop but it just never did. It just comes back again and again, especially when i am stressed or just overwhelmed. It comes back more vivid and it just makes me upset because i genuinely want them to stop

Worse is that it usually comes when i go to sleep. It makes it so uncomfortable and just uneasy for me to sleep because I WANT TO SLEEP. I want to wake up in a good mood but instead i keep walking up feeling uneasy and just very grumpy after it because i genuinely did not want these thoughts.

And when i express how i feel about these unwanted thoughts. I get more thoughts in my head telling me ‘’you are just saying that to unconsciously shame your sexual desires and to force yourself into purity culture’’ or that ‘’if you really didn’t like it, then the thoughts would not physically arouse you or never have continued in the first place. You are just saying that to prevent yourself from feeling normal sexual desires’’ 

Which isn’t true. I genuinely would never prevent myself from having feelings. 

I even ask myself these same tiring questions everyday due to the fear of somehow developping sexual repressing and it is always the same

‘’ You know it’s okay to have sexual attraction?’’

Yes

‘’You know it’s okay to have sexual urges and or desires, right?’’

Yes

‘’Do you think having sexual fantasies and enjoying them are shameful?’’

No

‘’So you know it’s okay to have them?’’

Yes

‘’And you know you are allowed to feel them, experience them and enjoy them right?’’ 

Absolutely

‘’So do you?’’

I don’t know

‘’What if you are sexually repressed???’’

Like….it is always the same questions in my head

I would never repress or prevent myself to feel sexual attraction because I KNOW I AM ALLOWED. There is nothing that will stop me. Even though i don’t know how it feels, i know it is because i was taught that it is normal

But anytime i say that, i keep getting more thoughts telling me that i am lying and pretending to not know how it feels to be some sort of pure virgin………

This is genuinely the worst thing that has ever happened to me for years and months

I am genuinely so scared right now, because what if i am just trying to convince myself that i don’t like it to some how unconsciously repress sexual attractions or desires??? I don’t want to do that, it is against my morals. 

The worst part is that it feels so real, especially when my body reacts to the thoughts even though i thought the opposite. And it makes me feel like i am lying even thought i am telling the truth and i am NOW scared of somehow trying to convince myself that i not doing it do deny some sort of hiddem désire Even more EVEN THOUGH i showed genuinely repulsion from these thoughts.

And it is just a cycle of my brain just constantly telling me that if i don’twant these thoughts then i am repressed and that if i end up not liking it then i am in denial about liking it and it just is so tiring and scary because sexual repression, anything related to shaming your sexual desires, preventing from having sexual feelings and unconsciously denying them is SO AGAINST MY MORALS

so it is just terrifying and i am scared if i am somehow repressing some sort of desires unconsciously

Ok so, there was something that i have been doing for a while and i don’t think i can ignore it anymore because I am starting to get annoyed and concerned

So before I mention about it, I have another post that I have talked about before and it is kind of related to what I m going to talk about right now. Idk how to put the link on, but you can go in my account and you Will see the title called 

‘’ Am I repressing sexual attraction or is it just SO-OCD/intrusive thoughts messing with me’’ 

So yeah, if you want o know more details, this is the post that you can choose to read to understand better

WARNING: this post might also be very tmi, and i apologise for it

anyways, let’s start

Ok so, i have been trying to sexually fantasize, but the issue is that i mentally don’t feel anything

Idk how to explain it exactly. 

Like, when i make myself sexually fantasize, my body would physically react like it was aroused, but deep down, i don’t really feel anything, not to mention that i am not super into the thoughts and idea. 

It all started at night, i kept having unwanted thoughts. I was supposed to sleep, I wanted to sleep, but i kept having those uncomfortable thoughts that kept me up at night and it didn’t stop

I tried pushing them away, ignoring them but it kept coming back worse. 

I kept getting thoughts telling me that if I don’t want to think about sex, then i am trying to push my sexual desires and that i will end up like a sexually repressed incel if I don’t do it

So I did. I tried to kind of  make myself enjoy it or try and react how most people would enjoy the thoughts or imagine how the characters in them would react and all of that. I tried imagining the characters enjoying them and tried to put myself in their shoes or something like that.

I thought that it worked and that i enjoyed it because i noticed that my body got physically aroused by the thought, so it technically means that I did, right? 

But i don’t know, because i mentally didn’t felt the way that my body felt. I felted more like I was just playing the character, but not enjoying what the character felt. 

Even for how my body reacted, I deep down didn’t have any sort of feeling

So I thought ‘’ok, it might have been just a waste of my time. I should stop doing it’’ because the more I tried, the more tired and strangely sick I felt and it was also just so boring

But then it happened again and again and it just didn’t stop. Each night, these same thoughts would pop up ( which these thoughts aren’t thought about intentionally, they just pop out of nowhere without any choise ) even though i didn’t want them. But then i get these voice in my head telling me 

‘’ what if you are just saying that you don’t like it to deny your true sexual desires by repressing them? If you really didn’t like it, then your body wouldn’t get physically aroused by them in the first place’’ 

Or just thoughts telling me that if don’t then I am trying to resist my true urges and that i am trying to ‘’sexually shame myself’’

Which terrifies me because I am not and would never be the type of person that would repress and shame their feelings. Whether it’s emotional romantic or sexual. It is against my morals to repress my feelings and attractions for things and others

So when i got this thought i got terrified, because I don’t want to somehow do that to myself, and i never will. 

So i would just make myself continue the thoughts. Doing the same thing and trying to be in the characters shoes, how they would react or feel in these sexual situation or how hot it is supposed to feel

But then again, it is still not it. It’s strange because i don’t feel like I genuinely enjoy this, it just feels like I am just playing the character and trying to get an idea on how they would feel. But i deep down, don’t feel anything. It just feels like I am disassociating myself from it and it is weird ( i even tried changing the stories thinking i am just not into specific acts. But they all feel the same)

I also would feel strangely sick, and would feel completely nauseous and weirdly paled by the thought. Could be because i am not super into sex. I am sex-repusled. But i don’t think it’s normal at all

Not only that, i don’t think i even liked these fantasies either. They just made me tired, nauseous and just boring in general. I didn’t want these thoughts at all because it isn’t my cup of tea. They made me uncomfortable and almost felted like my brain was trying to disrespect my boundaries. 

I would even beg it to stop but it just never did. It just comes back again and again, especially when i am stressed or just overwhelmed. It comes back more vivid and it just makes me upset because i genuinely want them to stop

Worse is that it usually comes when i go to sleep. It makes it so uncomfortable and just uneasy for me to sleep because I WANT TO SLEEP. I want to wake up in a good mood but instead i keep walking up feeling uneasy and just very grumpy after it because i genuinely did not want these thoughts.

And when i express how i feel about these unwanted thoughts. I get more thoughts in my head telling me ‘’you are just saying that to unconsciously shame your sexual desires and to force yourself into purity culture’’ or that ‘’if you really didn’t like it, then the thoughts would not physically arouse you or never have continued in the first place. You are just saying that to prevent yourself from feeling normal sexual desires’’ 

Which isn’t true. I genuinely would never prevent myself from having feelings. 

I even ask myself these same tiring questions everyday due to the fear of somehow developping sexual repressing and it is always the same

‘’ You know it’s okay to have sexual attraction?’’

Yes

‘’You know it’s okay to have sexual urges and or desires, right?’’

Yes

‘’Do you think having sexual fantasies and enjoying them are shameful?’’

No

‘’So you know it’s okay to have them?’’

Yes

‘’And you know you are allowed to feel them, experience them and enjoy them right?’’ 

Absolutely

‘’So do you?’’

I don’t know

‘’What if you are sexually repressed???’’

Like….it is always the same questions in my head

I would never repress or prevent myself to feel sexual attraction because I KNOW I AM ALLOWED. There is nothing that will stop me. Even though i don’t know how it feels, i know it is because i was taught that it is normal

But anytime i say that, i keep getting more thoughts telling me that i am lying and pretending to not know how it feels to be some sort of pure virgin………

This is genuinely the worst thing that has ever happened to me for years and months

I am genuinely so scared right now, because what if i am just trying to convince myself that i don’t like it to some how unconsciously repress sexual attractions or desires??? I don’t want to do that, it is against my morals. 

The worst part is that it feels so real, especially when my body reacts to the thoughts even though i thought the opposite. And it makes me feel like i am lying even thought i am telling the truth and i am NOW scared of somehow trying to convince myself that i not doing it do deny some sort of hiddem désire Even more EVEN THOUGH i showed genuinely repulsion from these thoughts.

And it is just a cycle of my brain just constantly telling me that if i don’twant these thoughts then i am repressed and that if i end up not liking it then i am in denial about liking it and it just is so tiring and scary because sexual repression, anything related to shaming your sexual desires, preventing from having sexual feelings and unconsciously denying them is SO AGAINST MY MORALS

so it is just terrifying and i am scared if i am somehow repressing some sort of desires unconsciously

Ok so, there was something that i have been doing for a while and i don’t think i can ignore it anymore because I am starting to get annoyed and concerned

So before I mention about it, I have another post that I have talked about before and it is kind of related to what I m going to talk about right now. Idk how to put the link on, but you can go in my account and you Will see the title called 

‘’ Am I repressing sexual attraction or is it just SO-OCD/intrusive thoughts messing with me’’ 

So yeah, if you want o know more details, this is the post that you can choose to read to understand better

WARNING: this post might also be very tmi, and i apologise for it

anyways, let’s start

Ok so, i have been trying to sexually fantasize, but the issue is that i mentally don’t feel anything

Idk how to explain it exactly. 

Like, when i make myself sexually fantasize, my body would physically react like it was aroused, but deep down, i don’t really feel anything, not to mention that i am not super into the thoughts and idea. 

It all started at night, i kept having unwanted thoughts. I was supposed to sleep, I wanted to sleep, but i kept having those uncomfortable thoughts that kept me up at night and it didn’t stop

I tried pushing them away, ignoring them but it kept coming back worse. 

I kept getting thoughts telling me that if I don’t want to think about sex, then i am trying to push my sexual desires and that i will end up like a sexually repressed incel if I don’t do it

So I did. I tried to kind of  make myself enjoy it or try and react how most people would enjoy the thoughts or imagine how the characters in them would react and all of that. I tried imagining the characters enjoying them and tried to put myself in their shoes or something like that.

I thought that it worked and that i enjoyed it because i noticed that my body got physically aroused by the thought, so it technically means that I did, right? 

But i don’t know, because i mentally didn’t felt the way that my body felt. I felted more like I was just playing the character, but not enjoying what the character felt. 

Even for how my body reacted, I deep down didn’t have any sort of feeling

So I thought ‘’ok, it might have been just a waste of my time. I should stop doing it’’ because the more I tried, the more tired and strangely sick I felt and it was also just so boring

But then it happened again and again and it just didn’t stop. Each night, these same thoughts would pop up ( which these thoughts aren’t thought about intentionally, they just pop out of nowhere without any choise ) even though i didn’t want them. But then i get these voice in my head telling me 

‘’ what if you are just saying that you don’t like it to deny your true sexual desires by repressing them? If you really didn’t like it, then your body wouldn’t get physically aroused by them in the first place’’ 

Or just thoughts telling me that if don’t then I am trying to resist my true urges and that i am trying to ‘’sexually shame myself’’

Which terrifies me because I am not and would never be the type of person that would repress and shame their feelings. Whether it’s emotional romantic or sexual. It is against my morals to repress my feelings and attractions for things and others

So when i got this thought i got terrified, because I don’t want to somehow do that to myself, and i never will. 

So i would just make myself continue the thoughts. Doing the same thing and trying to be in the characters shoes, how they would react or feel in these sexual situation or how hot it is supposed to feel

But then again, it is still not it. It’s strange because i don’t feel like I genuinely enjoy this, it just feels like I am just playing the character and trying to get an idea on how they would feel. But i deep down, don’t feel anything. It just feels like I am disassociating myself from it and it is weird ( i even tried changing the stories thinking i am just not into specific acts. But they all feel the same)

I also would feel strangely sick, and would feel completely nauseous and weirdly paled by the thought. Could be because i am not super into sex. I am sex-repusled. But i don’t think it’s normal at all

Not only that, i don’t think i even liked these fantasies either. They just made me tired, nauseous and just boring in general. I didn’t want these thoughts at all because it isn’t my cup of tea. They made me uncomfortable and almost felted like my brain was trying to disrespect my boundaries. 

I would even beg it to stop but it just never did. It just comes back again and again, especially when i am stressed or just overwhelmed. It comes back more vivid and it just makes me upset because i genuinely want them to stop

Worse is that it usually comes when i go to sleep. It makes it so uncomfortable and just uneasy for me to sleep because I WANT TO SLEEP. I want to wake up in a good mood but instead i keep walking up feeling uneasy and just very grumpy after it because i genuinely did not want these thoughts.

And when i express how i feel about these unwanted thoughts. I get more thoughts in my head telling me ‘’you are just saying that to unconsciously shame your sexual desires and to force yourself into purity culture’’ or that ‘’if you really didn’t like it, then the thoughts would not physically arouse you or never have continued in the first place. You are just saying that to prevent yourself from feeling normal sexual desires’’ 

Which isn’t true. I genuinely would never prevent myself from having feelings. 

I even ask myself these same tiring questions everyday due to the fear of somehow developping sexual repressing and it is always the same

‘’ You know it’s okay to have sexual attraction?’’

Yes

‘’You know it’s okay to have sexual urges and or desires, right?’’

Yes

‘’Do you think having sexual fantasies and enjoying them are shameful?’’

No

‘’So you know it’s okay to have them?’’

Yes

‘’And you know you are allowed to feel them, experience them and enjoy them right?’’ 

Absolutely

‘’So do you?’’

I don’t know

‘’What if you are sexually repressed???’’

Like….it is always the same questions in my head

I would never repress or prevent myself to feel sexual attraction because I KNOW I AM ALLOWED. There is nothing that will stop me. Even though i don’t know how it feels, i know it is because i was taught that it is normal

But anytime i say that, i keep getting more thoughts telling me that i am lying and pretending to not know how it feels to be some sort of pure virgin………

This is genuinely the worst thing that has ever happened to me for years and months

I am genuinely so scared right now, because what if i am just trying to convince myself that i don’t like it to some how unconsciously repress sexual attractions or desires??? I don’t want to do that, it is against my morals. 

The worst part is that it feels so real, especially when my body reacts to the thoughts even though i thought the opposite. And it makes me feel like i am lying even thought i am telling the truth and i am NOW scared of somehow trying to convince myself that i not doing it do deny some sort of hiddem désire Even more EVEN THOUGH i showed genuinely repulsion from these thoughts.

And it is just a cycle of my brain just constantly telling me that if i don’twant these thoughts then i am repressed and that if i end up not liking it then i am in denial about liking it and it just is so tiring and scary because sexual repression, anything related to shaming your sexual desires, preventing from having sexual feelings and unconsciously denying them is SO AGAINST MY MORALS

so it is just terrifying and i am scared if i am somehow repressing some sort of desires unconsciously

Ok so, there was something that i have been doing for a while and i don’t think i can ignore it anymore because I am starting to get annoyed and concerned

So before I mention about it, I have another post that I have talked about before and it is kind of related to what I m going to talk about right now. Idk how to put the link on, but you can go in my account and you Will see the title called 

‘’ Am I repressing sexual attraction or is it just SO-OCD/intrusive thoughts messing with me’’ 

So yeah, if you want o know more details, this is the post that you can choose to read to understand better

WARNING: this post might also be very tmi, and i apologise for it

anyways, let’s start

Ok so, i have been trying to sexually fantasize, but the issue is that i mentally don’t feel anything

Idk how to explain it exactly. 

Like, when i make myself sexually fantasize, my body would physically react like it was aroused, but deep down, i don’t really feel anything, not to mention that i am not super into the thoughts and idea. 

It all started at night, i kept having unwanted thoughts. I was supposed to sleep, I wanted to sleep, but i kept having those uncomfortable thoughts that kept me up at night and it didn’t stop

I tried pushing them away, ignoring them but it kept coming back worse. 

I kept getting thoughts telling me that if I don’t want to think about sex, then i am trying to push my sexual desires and that i will end up like a sexually repressed incel if I don’t do it

So I did. I tried to kind of  make myself enjoy it or try and react how most people would enjoy the thoughts or imagine how the characters in them would react and all of that. I tried imagining the characters enjoying them and tried to put myself in their shoes or something like that.

I thought that it worked and that i enjoyed it because i noticed that my body got physically aroused by the thought, so it technically means that I did, right? 

But i don’t know, because i mentally didn’t felt the way that my body felt. I felted more like I was just playing the character, but not enjoying what the character felt. 

Even for how my body reacted, I deep down didn’t have any sort of feeling

So I thought ‘’ok, it might have been just a waste of my time. I should stop doing it’’ because the more I tried, the more tired and strangely sick I felt and it was also just so boring

But then it happened again and again and it just didn’t stop. Each night, these same thoughts would pop up ( which these thoughts aren’t thought about intentionally, they just pop out of nowhere without any choise ) even though i didn’t want them. But then i get these voice in my head telling me 

‘’ what if you are just saying that you don’t like it to deny your true sexual desires by repressing them? If you really didn’t like it, then your body wouldn’t get physically aroused by them in the first place’’ 

Or just thoughts telling me that if don’t then I am trying to resist my true urges and that i am trying to ‘’sexually shame myself’’

Which terrifies me because I am not and would never be the type of person that would repress and shame their feelings. Whether it’s emotional romantic or sexual. It is against my morals to repress my feelings and attractions for things and others

So when i got this thought i got terrified, because I don’t want to somehow do that to myself, and i never will. 

So i would just make myself continue the thoughts. Doing the same thing and trying to be in the characters shoes, how they would react or feel in these sexual situation or how hot it is supposed to feel

But then again, it is still not it. It’s strange because i don’t feel like I genuinely enjoy this, it just feels like I am just playing the character and trying to get an idea on how they would feel. But i deep down, don’t feel anything. It just feels like I am disassociating myself from it and it is weird ( i even tried changing the stories thinking i am just not into specific acts. But they all feel the same)

I also would feel strangely sick, and would feel completely nauseous and weirdly paled by the thought. Could be because i am not super into sex. I am sex-repusled. But i don’t think it’s normal at all

Not only that, i don’t think i even liked these fantasies either. They just made me tired, nauseous and just boring in general. I didn’t want these thoughts at all because it isn’t my cup of tea. They made me uncomfortable and almost felted like my brain was trying to disrespect my boundaries. 

I would even beg it to stop but it just never did. It just comes back again and again, especially when i am stressed or just overwhelmed. It comes back more vivid and it just makes me upset because i genuinely want them to stop

Worse is that it usually comes when i go to sleep. It makes it so uncomfortable and just uneasy for me to sleep because I WANT TO SLEEP. I want to wake up in a good mood but instead i keep walking up feeling uneasy and just very grumpy after it because i genuinely did not want these thoughts.

And when i express how i feel about these unwanted thoughts. I get more thoughts in my head telling me ‘’you are just saying that to unconsciously shame your sexual desires and to force yourself into purity culture’’ or that ‘’if you really didn’t like it, then the thoughts would not physically arouse you or never have continued in the first place. You are just saying that to prevent yourself from feeling normal sexual desires’’ 

Which isn’t true. I genuinely would never prevent myself from having feelings. 

I even ask myself these same tiring questions everyday due to the fear of somehow developping sexual repressing and it is always the same

‘’ You know it’s okay to have sexual attraction?’’

Yes

‘’You know it’s okay to have sexual urges and or desires, right?’’

Yes

‘’Do you think having sexual fantasies and enjoying them are shameful?’’

No

‘’So you know it’s okay to have them?’’

Yes

‘’And you know you are allowed to feel them, experience them and enjoy them right?’’ 

Absolutely

‘’So do you?’’

I don’t know

‘’What if you are sexually repressed???’’

Like….it is always the same questions in my head

I would never repress or prevent myself to feel sexual attraction because I KNOW I AM ALLOWED. There is nothing that will stop me. Even though i don’t know how it feels, i know it is because i was taught that it is normal

But anytime i say that, i keep getting more thoughts telling me that i am lying and pretending to not know how it feels to be some sort of pure virgin………

This is genuinely the worst thing that has ever happened to me for years and months

I am genuinely so scared right now, because what if i am just trying to convince myself that i don’t like it to some how unconsciously repress sexual attractions or desires??? I don’t want to do that, it is against my morals. 

The worst part is that it feels so real, especially when my body reacts to the thoughts even though i thought the opposite. And it makes me feel like i am lying even thought i am telling the truth and i am NOW scared of somehow trying to convince myself that i not doing it do deny some sort of hiddem désire Even more EVEN THOUGH i showed genuinely repulsion from these thoughts.

And it is just a cycle of my brain just constantly telling me that if i don’twant these thoughts then i am repressed and that if i end up not liking it then i am in denial about liking it and it just is so tiring and scary because sexual repression, anything related to shaming your sexual desires, preventing from having sexual feelings and unconsciously denying them is SO AGAINST MY MORALS

so it is just terrifying and i am scared if i am somehow repressing some sort of desires unconsciously

Ok so, there was something that i have been doing for a while and i don’t think i can ignore it anymore because I am starting to get annoyed and concerned

So before I mention about it, I have another post that I have talked about before and it is kind of related to what I m going to talk about right now. Idk how to put the link on, but you can go in my account and you Will see the title called 

‘’ Am I repressing sexual attraction or is it just SO-OCD/intrusive thoughts messing with me’’ 

So yeah, if you want o know more details, this is the post that you can choose to read to understand better

WARNING: this post might also be very tmi, and i apologise for it

anyways, let’s start

Ok so, i have been trying to sexually fantasize, but the issue is that i mentally don’t feel anything

Idk how to explain it exactly. 

Like, when i make myself sexually fantasize, my body would physically react like it was aroused, but deep down, i don’t really feel anything, not to mention that i am not super into the thoughts and idea. 

It all started at night, i kept having unwanted thoughts. I was supposed to sleep, I wanted to sleep, but i kept having those uncomfortable thoughts that kept me up at night and it didn’t stop

I tried pushing them away, ignoring them but it kept coming back worse. 

I kept getting thoughts telling me that if I don’t want to think about sex, then i am trying to push my sexual desires and that i will end up like a sexually repressed incel if I don’t do it

So I did. I tried to kind of  make myself enjoy it or try and react how most people would enjoy the thoughts or imagine how the characters in them would react and all of that. I tried imagining the characters enjoying them and tried to put myself in their shoes or something like that.

I thought that it worked and that i enjoyed it because i noticed that my body got physically aroused by the thought, so it technically means that I did, right? 

But i don’t know, because i mentally didn’t felt the way that my body felt. I felted more like I was just playing the character, but not enjoying what the character felt. 

Even for how my body reacted, I deep down didn’t have any sort of feeling

So I thought ‘’ok, it might have been just a waste of my time. I should stop doing it’’ because the more I tried, the more tired and strangely sick I felt and it was also just so boring

But then it happened again and again and it just didn’t stop. Each night, these same thoughts would pop up ( which these thoughts aren’t thought about intentionally, they just pop out of nowhere without any choise ) even though i didn’t want them. But then i get these voice in my head telling me 

‘’ what if you are just saying that you don’t like it to deny your true sexual desires by repressing them? If you really didn’t like it, then your body wouldn’t get physically aroused by them in the first place’’ 

Or just thoughts telling me that if don’t then I am trying to resist my true urges and that i am trying to ‘’sexually shame myself’’

Which terrifies me because I am not and would never be the type of person that would repress and shame their feelings. Whether it’s emotional romantic or sexual. It is against my morals to repress my feelings and attractions for things and others

So when i got this thought i got terrified, because I don’t want to somehow do that to myself, and i never will. 

So i would just make myself continue the thoughts. Doing the same thing and trying to be in the characters shoes, how they would react or feel in these sexual situation or how hot it is supposed to feel

But then again, it is still not it. It’s strange because i don’t feel like I genuinely enjoy this, it just feels like I am just playing the character and trying to get an idea on how they would feel. But i deep down, don’t feel anything. It just feels like I am disassociating myself from it and it is weird ( i even tried changing the stories thinking i am just not into specific acts. But they all feel the same)

I also would feel strangely sick, and would feel completely nauseous and weirdly paled by the thought. Could be because i am not super into sex. I am sex-repusled. But i don’t think it’s normal at all

Not only that, i don’t think i even liked these fantasies either. They just made me tired, nauseous and just boring in general. I didn’t want these thoughts at all because it isn’t my cup of tea. They made me uncomfortable and almost felted like my brain was trying to disrespect my boundaries. 

I would even beg it to stop but it just never did. It just comes back again and again, especially when i am stressed or just overwhelmed. It comes back more vivid and it just makes me upset because i genuinely want them to stop

Worse is that it usually comes when i go to sleep. It makes it so uncomfortable and just uneasy for me to sleep because I WANT TO SLEEP. I want to wake up in a good mood but instead i keep walking up feeling uneasy and just very grumpy after it because i genuinely did not want these thoughts.

And when i express how i feel about these unwanted thoughts. I get more thoughts in my head telling me ‘’you are just saying that to unconsciously shame your sexual desires and to force yourself into purity culture’’ or that ‘’if you really didn’t like it, then the thoughts would not physically arouse you or never have continued in the first place. You are just saying that to prevent yourself from feeling normal sexual desires’’ 

Which isn’t true. I genuinely would never prevent myself from having feelings. 

I even ask myself these same tiring questions everyday due to the fear of somehow developping sexual repressing and it is always the same

‘’ You know it’s okay to have sexual attraction?’’

Yes

‘’You know it’s okay to have sexual urges and or desires, right?’’

Yes

‘’Do you think having sexual fantasies and enjoying them are shameful?’’

No

‘’So you know it’s okay to have them?’’

Yes

‘’And you know you are allowed to feel them, experience them and enjoy them right?’’ 

Absolutely

‘’So do you?’’

I don’t know

‘’What if you are sexually repressed???’’

Like….it is always the same questions in my head

I would never repress or prevent myself to feel sexual attraction because I KNOW I AM ALLOWED. There is nothing that will stop me. Even though i don’t know how it feels, i know it is because i was taught that it is normal

But anytime i say that, i keep getting more thoughts telling me that i am lying and pretending to not know how it feels to be some sort of pure virgin………

This is genuinely the worst thing that has ever happened to me for years and months

I am genuinely so scared right now, because what if i am just trying to convince myself that i don’t like it to some how unconsciously repress sexual attractions or desires??? I don’t want to do that, it is against my morals. 

The worst part is that it feels so real, especially when my body reacts to the thoughts even though i thought the opposite. And it makes me feel like i am lying even thought i am telling the truth and i am NOW scared of somehow trying to convince myself that i not doing it do deny some sort of hiddem désire Even more EVEN THOUGH i showed genuinely repulsion from these thoughts.

And it is just a cycle of my brain just constantly telling me that if i don’twant these thoughts then i am repressed and that if i end up not liking it then i am in denial about liking it and it just is so tiring and scary because sexual repression, anything related to shaming your sexual desires, preventing from having sexual feelings and unconsciously denying them is SO AGAINST MY MORALS

so it is just terrifying and i am scared if i am somehow repressing some sort of desires unconsciously

(FYI:before reading this. I just wanted to inform that i have posted this on the asexual sub, so you might see me mention this label . i also wanted to inform that I don’t use this label myself. I don’t call myself asexual. not to mention that I don’t want to be.)

Hi, I am new to this app and I wanted to talk about something that has been going on for the last 2-3 years (or since 2021, but has worsen in 2024-2026)

This might be very long, pretty personal which i apologise, but i have no one else to talk to about it and i would love if someone would leave comments because i don’t feel good. I feel so uncomfortable and want to cry right now. I know it sounds ridiculous and that I should be sharing this with profession all, but i genuinely have no one to talk to (not to mention that i am unable to afford therapy) and it would be nice if someone who is asexual with ocd that could at least hear me yk

(Disclaimer: i do not label myself as ace. It is true that i relate to this label a lot and it resembles my experience. But because of having symptoms that are similar to ocd and also convincing myself that i must feel sexual attraction to others. It makes it kind of hard to accept that)

Ok so yeah, i am gonna start 

So, for years in my life, i used to think that I felt sexual attraction. I thought that sexual attraction meant finding someones looks admirable or wanting to get to know this person in a platonic/emotional way. Or just wanting to cuddle with them. I am a very affectionate person, when i see someone, it can happen that I get cute agression or just love to admire them. I could find them breathtaking or just would love to shower them with compliments. But i don’t feel like doing anything more than just that

My enviorment is pretty sex-positive and encourages others to express themselves, and i agree. A lot of people in my enviorment loved to talk about who they wanted to smash and also loved sexualizing bodies and things like that.

Like how big boobs are considered sexually appealing or how women would go crazy over a shirtless guy. Or talk about what they would want to do with their crush in a sexual way

I at first thought it was just jokes because i didn’t relate. I even would used to condition myself to feel like others (especially when people kept telling me that if someone finds someone attractive, then it is inherently sexual because it is impossible to find others pretty without thinking about whats under their sacks ig. And if someone doesn’t get sexual feelings or thoughts, then they are probably repressed or suffer with an unstable sexual health)

I picked up on how people would feel for certain things that are considered ‘’sexual’’ for most society and thought to myself ‘’well, if they feel this way then i should too’’ 

So i would kind of try and make myself relate. I would see a shirtless guy or a girl with revealing clothing and think ‘’huh, people go crazy over these. Let’s try and make ourselves go crazy over them to see if i could end up relate’’

Or if i find someone very admiring, i would think ‘’ok so, if i find someone pretty, then i should want what’s between their legs or imagined them without clothes’’

Even though that it wouldn’t make anything different because I don’t find nudity sexual. I find it aesthetically beautiful like art. But when i noticed how others saw it, i tried putting myself into their shoes even thought it didn’t fit for me

(I even used to think that I was bi because I felted the same when it came for any gender)

All of this has been going on for years until in 2021, i have found out about asexuality. 

When I first saw it, I related to it but thought ‘’no, it can’t be that. I feel sexual attraction’’ because ace is all about the lack of sexual attraction

Until someone had to specify to me what it actually meant and how people don’t actually joke about wanting to be sexually intimate with their crushes or when they find people pretty

I searched and searched and even found out that sexual attraction is somehing that is unconscious and that someone wouldn’t know if they ever feel it. Or that it is someones subconscious animal brain targeting their potential mate

This all went me to a spiral and realized that I might have been ace but with a very strong sensual/aesthetic attraction

But it still didn’t stop me from convincing/conditioning myself that I will someday feel it. I even would used to ( and still do, sadly) train my body to become aroused or make it erect by command to things that people find sexually appealing (or if i found someone pretty, bc a lot of people would tell me that they usually feel wet when they find someone attractive)

It kept going until in 2024, it has started to worsen.

I have started to develop sexual thoughts that I never wanted. 

These thoughts aren’t thought on purpose nor do I even enjoy it. They would pop out of nowhere, especially at night when I sleepning

I kept having sexual intrusive thoughts that kept getting worse every month. Especially when I found someone pretty

Anytime when I stumble upon a person that I considered very admiring to look at, i would go ‘’wow, they are beautiful’’ and would think about drawing them, how they look like they could be on a sick edit or how it would be nice to have a convo with them. I don’t feel any other desires than just this

But when this happens, I would start to get those unwanted sexual thoughts that keeps popping up

They are very vivid and repulsive 

Or just words in my head saying ‘’ oh, you wanna see whats under their pants’’ or ‘’you feel the urge to ravish them sexually’’ 

Or it can be just me seeing an aesthetically appealing person and i would go ‘’wow, they are so cool I wish i could-‘’

But then these thoughts would cut off/interrupt the thoughts that I make and then replace them with words that I wasn’t thinking about like ‘’SEX. YOU WANNA GO DIRTY WITH THEM’’ even thought it isn’t what I was trying or want to say (i wanted to say that i wish i could have their cool fashion sense but that’s pretty much it)

At first i usually would go ‘’WOAH, woah, hold on…This is not what i want to do to them! I don’t find them sexually appealing!’’

But then i would get more stressful thoughts that would go ‘’ you are just saying that to deny the fact that you want them that way and do it so you can be different’’ or ‘’ you are trying to resist the urge to do sexual things to them because you are sexually repressing your attractions and natural sexual urges out of shame’’ 

Which got me terrified because this is against to what i thought. I would never repress feelings for others. If i love them, i love them. If i hate them, i hate them. If i feel indifferent, then i feel indifferent.

For me, the idea of unconsciously pushing away your feelings that are normal terrifies me. Especially when a person represses them unconsciously.

I am against it and it would even petrify me if i would ever do. This is something that i am against.

So i kept saying to myself ‘’no! I could never. This is something that i am against!’’ But then my brain kept giving me more unwanted thoughts telling me ‘’you are lying to yourself and you are only pretendimg to not know how sexual attraction feels so that you can deny the fact that you feel it. You want to resist these feelings to repress them or to be an orientation that you are not’’

Which made it even worse.

I even kept having this weird sensation that i was ‘’lying to myself’’ or that i ‘’liked the thoughts’’ even thought I genuinely hate the thought and wasn’t lying when i do so (not to mention that i am terrible liar).

Worse (which is a bit tmi). My body would even get physical arousal from them even thought I wasn’t sexually attracted to the person that trigger these intrusive thoughts or the intrusive thoughts on it’s own

I even started to get weird routines like, checking my heartbeat rhythm to see if i am lying about not liking the thoughts or not feeling sexual attraction to people (after i get intrusive thoughts about people that I find pretty)

Forcing myself to look at myself naked in the mirror and say that I am beautiful because i was afraid of insecurity was the cause of me not wanting sex and getting unwanted thoughts

Or just go to Google and search ‘’am I repressed’’ tests to see if I am repressing

But they never work, they only worsen them and I hate it ( which is where my therapist suggested the possibility of be having sexual themed OCD) 

Fast foward to now, it has gotten even worse because now, someone is triggering it

Ok so, i watched a show series with an actor that I admired a lot. I liked their face, specifically. I think they are super admiring to look at and even fun to talk to or draw. They are very easy on the eyes and thought that they were classy or cunty tbh

I also envied them in a way, i kind of wanted to be them. 

I searched about them out of curiousity but then this is where i kept having intrusive thoughts about them. 

It kept coming over and over again. And again, i would usually react to these thoughts by saying ‘’hey, i didn’t like these thoughts about them. I don’t feel that way for them and i found these thoughts repulsive’’

But then i would get these horrible thoughts in my head that kept saying ‘’you are just saying that so you can resist the urge to want them sexually and you are trying to repress sexual attraction to be asexual’’ 

Which at first i ignored but then it kept getting worse. I kept getting constant unwanted thought about this specific actor and i kept having thoughts saying ‘’ if you ignored these thoughts it meant that you are trying to deny the fact that you want them that way’’ or ‘’ oh, what if you are lying to yourself about not finding them sexy’’ and things like this

It worsened a lot, especially since i am watching this show with my mother and each week, we would have to watch two episodes of it. Which made it so difficult to even focus on enjoying the show because anytime this actor would come on the screen, it would trigger these same intrusive thoughts and i would feel so uncomfortable and sick

And even worse, when i get triggered by these thoughts about the actors. My body would physically react even though i genuinely HATE those vivid images in my head or don’t feel anything for them at all. 

And then get those same stressful thoughts saying ‘’see, your body erected. Is you really didn’t like them, then your body wouldn’t react to these thoughts about them’’ or saying ‘’you are lying to yourself the more you say you hate them. You are denying when your body reacted’’

Which made me cry and even angry because it felted like my whole body betrayed me in a way. I genuinely hate these thoughts and genuinely didn’t feel that way for them. They made me so uncomfortable and i wanted them gone

But anytime i say that i get this uncomfortable sensation in my chest as if was ‘’lying’’ even though what i said was true. And then get another thought that keeps telling me ‘’ you are trying to deny the truth about resisting sexual attractions and urges towards the person. If you really told the truth, you wouldn’t get these sensations ‘’

This kept going on for weeks and it caused me to stop watching the show because of this (and also because the new last season was actually boring and i was begging for it to end) 

And it still kept going bc my fyp is now filled with the fandom of the show

It made me get insomnia bc it is very common for my brain to be awake at night and get these unwanted thoughts. 

I kept getting thoughts telling me that i am unconsciously repressing my natural urges and that i am sharing myself for having sexual feelings even thought i felt genuinely repulsion and disinterest towards them 

It even got to a point where i cried and also gotten a bit aggressive because these thoughts made me angry that it didn’t stop. I got angry at the fact that i couldn’t trust myself Bc anytime when i say the truth, i would become afraid, because what if the things that i say that i think are ‘’true’’ are actually lies and that i am just calling them the truth to deny real desires?

I don’t know what to do. I genuinely am scared rn. I am scared of somehow repressing sexual attraction towards someone even though i would rather lick a wall filled with dried out gum than ever want to be involved with this person. I am scared of somehow forcing myself to be ace even though i never use this label on myself and deep down..I genuinely don’t want to be ace 

Like yes, they are pretty, but i have to be honest, they are not sexually interesting. But i cant say that because ‘’what if i am just saying that to repress sexual attraction bc it is impossible to find someone pretty without wanted see whats between their legs’’ 

I am sick if getting unwanted thoughts anytime i find someone pretty. I also a,ways get these negative thoughts that i say to myself saying that i shouldn’t find someone aesthetically attractive without wanting them sexually. I feel like I should be even though i don’t feel that way for them

It got to a point that I even would be disgusted or uncomfortable to even look at the actor because I hated the thought. They would literally jumscare me or it is just impossible to look at them bc i was afraid of getting triggered by unwanted thoughts 

But yet i am terrified of somehow repressing sexual attraction. What if i am just using the word ocd, intrusive thoughts or asexuality to somehow repress real attraction? (i even get crazy thoughts telling me ‘’ what if you are making those stories up?’’ Even though this actually happened) 

I am genuinely scared, i don’t wanna have sexual repression, it is against my morals. I know feeling sexual attraction is normal, a lot of people in my enviorment express their sexual attraction so i know if i ever do, then it is okay. But idk how it feels. This whole time i used to think that it was finding someone aesthetically appealing when in reality it was something else. I know having sexual thoughts are normal. But i genuinely hated these thoughts

What if i am trying to unconsciously force myself to not feel sexual attraction to be ace or to deny feelings for others? I don’t want that, and I am scared

(FYI:before reading this. I just wanted to inform that i have posted this on the asexual sub, so you might see me mention this label . i also wanted to inform that I don’t use this label myself. I don’t call myself asexual. not to mention that I don’t want to be.)

Hi, I am new to this app and I wanted to talk about something that has been going on for the last 2-3 years (or since 2021, but has worsen in 2024-2026)

This might be very long, pretty personal which i apologise, but i have no one else to talk to about it and i would love if someone would leave comments because i don’t feel good. I feel so uncomfortable and want to cry right now. I know it sounds ridiculous and that I should be sharing this with profession all, but i genuinely have no one to talk to (not to mention that i am unable to afford therapy) and it would be nice if someone who is asexual with ocd that could at least hear me yk

(Disclaimer: i do not label myself as ace. It is true that i relate to this label a lot and it resembles my experience. But because of having symptoms that are similar to ocd and also convincing myself that i must feel sexual attraction to others. It makes it kind of hard to accept that)

Ok so yeah, i am gonna start 

So, for years in my life, i used to think that I felt sexual attraction. I thought that sexual attraction meant finding someones looks admirable or wanting to get to know this person in a platonic/emotional way. Or just wanting to cuddle with them. I am a very affectionate person, when i see someone, it can happen that I get cute agression or just love to admire them. I could find them breathtaking or just would love to shower them with compliments. But i don’t feel like doing anything more than just that

My enviorment is pretty sex-positive and encourages others to express themselves, and i agree. A lot of people in my enviorment loved to talk about who they wanted to smash and also loved sexualizing bodies and things like that.

Like how big boobs are considered sexually appealing or how women would go crazy over a shirtless guy. Or talk about what they would want to do with their crush in a sexual way

I at first thought it was just jokes because i didn’t relate. I even would used to condition myself to feel like others (especially when people kept telling me that if someone finds someone attractive, then it is inherently sexual because it is impossible to find others pretty without thinking about whats under their sacks ig. And if someone doesn’t get sexual feelings or thoughts, then they are probably repressed or suffer with an unstable sexual health)

I picked up on how people would feel for certain things that are considered ‘’sexual’’ for most society and thought to myself ‘’well, if they feel this way then i should too’’ 

So i would kind of try and make myself relate. I would see a shirtless guy or a girl with revealing clothing and think ‘’huh, people go crazy over these. Let’s try and make ourselves go crazy over them to see if i could end up relate’’

Or if i find someone very admiring, i would think ‘’ok so, if i find someone pretty, then i should want what’s between their legs or imagined them without clothes’’

Even though that it wouldn’t make anything different because I don’t find nudity sexual. I find it aesthetically beautiful like art. But when i noticed how others saw it, i tried putting myself into their shoes even thought it didn’t fit for me

(I even used to think that I was bi because I felted the same when it came for any gender)

All of this has been going on for years until in 2021, i have found out about asexuality. 

When I first saw it, I related to it but thought ‘’no, it can’t be that. I feel sexual attraction’’ because ace is all about the lack of sexual attraction

Until someone had to specify to me what it actually meant and how people don’t actually joke about wanting to be sexually intimate with their crushes or when they find people pretty

I searched and searched and even found out that sexual attraction is somehing that is unconscious and that someone wouldn’t know if they ever feel it. Or that it is someones subconscious animal brain targeting their potential mate

This all went me to a spiral and realized that I might have been ace but with a very strong sensual/aesthetic attraction

But it still didn’t stop me from convincing/conditioning myself that I will someday feel it. I even would used to ( and still do, sadly) train my body to become aroused or make it erect by command to things that people find sexually appealing (or if i found someone pretty, bc a lot of people would tell me that they usually feel wet when they find someone attractive)

It kept going until in 2024, it has started to worsen.

I have started to develop sexual thoughts that I never wanted. 

These thoughts aren’t thought on purpose nor do I even enjoy it. They would pop out of nowhere, especially at night when I sleepning

I kept having sexual intrusive thoughts that kept getting worse every month. Especially when I found someone pretty

Anytime when I stumble upon a person that I considered very admiring to look at, i would go ‘’wow, they are beautiful’’ and would think about drawing them, how they look like they could be on a sick edit or how it would be nice to have a convo with them. I don’t feel any other desires than just this

But when this happens, I would start to get those unwanted sexual thoughts that keeps popping up

They are very vivid and repulsive 

Or just words in my head saying ‘’ oh, you wanna see whats under their pants’’ or ‘’you feel the urge to ravish them sexually’’ 

Or it can be just me seeing an aesthetically appealing person and i would go ‘’wow, they are so cool I wish i could-‘’

But then these thoughts would cut off/interrupt the thoughts that I make and then replace them with words that I wasn’t thinking about like ‘’SEX. YOU WANNA GO DIRTY WITH THEM’’ even thought it isn’t what I was trying or want to say (i wanted to say that i wish i could have their cool fashion sense but that’s pretty much it)

At first i usually would go ‘’WOAH, woah, hold on…This is not what i want to do to them! I don’t find them sexually appealing!’’

But then i would get more stressful thoughts that would go ‘’ you are just saying that to deny the fact that you want them that way and do it so you can be different’’ or ‘’ you are trying to resist the urge to do sexual things to them because you are sexually repressing your attractions and natural sexual urges out of shame’’ 

Which got me terrified because this is against to what i thought. I would never repress feelings for others. If i love them, i love them. If i hate them, i hate them. If i feel indifferent, then i feel indifferent.

For me, the idea of unconsciously pushing away your feelings that are normal terrifies me. Especially when a person represses them unconsciously.

I am against it and it would even petrify me if i would ever do. This is something that i am against.

So i kept saying to myself ‘’no! I could never. This is something that i am against!’’ But then my brain kept giving me more unwanted thoughts telling me ‘’you are lying to yourself and you are only pretendimg to not know how sexual attraction feels so that you can deny the fact that you feel it. You want to resist these feelings to repress them or to be an orientation that you are not’’

Which made it even worse.

I even kept having this weird sensation that i was ‘’lying to myself’’ or that i ‘’liked the thoughts’’ even thought I genuinely hate the thought and wasn’t lying when i do so (not to mention that i am terrible liar).

Worse (which is a bit tmi). My body would even get physical arousal from them even thought I wasn’t sexually attracted to the person that trigger these intrusive thoughts or the intrusive thoughts on it’s own

I even started to get weird routines like, checking my heartbeat rhythm to see if i am lying about not liking the thoughts or not feeling sexual attraction to people (after i get intrusive thoughts about people that I find pretty)

Forcing myself to look at myself naked in the mirror and say that I am beautiful because i was afraid of insecurity was the cause of me not wanting sex and getting unwanted thoughts

Or just go to Google and search ‘’am I repressed’’ tests to see if I am repressing

But they never work, they only worsen them and I hate it ( which is where my therapist suggested the possibility of be having sexual themed OCD) 

Fast foward to now, it has gotten even worse because now, someone is triggering it

Ok so, i watched a show series with an actor that I admired a lot. I liked their face, specifically. I think they are super admiring to look at and even fun to talk to or draw. They are very easy on the eyes and thought that they were classy or cunty tbh

I also envied them in a way, i kind of wanted to be them. 

I searched about them out of curiousity but then this is where i kept having intrusive thoughts about them. 

It kept coming over and over again. And again, i would usually react to these thoughts by saying ‘’hey, i didn’t like these thoughts about them. I don’t feel that way for them and i found these thoughts repulsive’’

But then i would get these horrible thoughts in my head that kept saying ‘’you are just saying that so you can resist the urge to want them sexually and you are trying to repress sexual attraction to be asexual’’ 

Which at first i ignored but then it kept getting worse. I kept getting constant unwanted thought about this specific actor and i kept having thoughts saying ‘’ if you ignored these thoughts it meant that you are trying to deny the fact that you want them that way’’ or ‘’ oh, what if you are lying to yourself about not finding them sexy’’ and things like this

It worsened a lot, especially since i am watching this show with my mother and each week, we would have to watch two episodes of it. Which made it so difficult to even focus on enjoying the show because anytime this actor would come on the screen, it would trigger these same intrusive thoughts and i would feel so uncomfortable and sick

And even worse, when i get triggered by these thoughts about the actors. My body would physically react even though i genuinely HATE those vivid images in my head or don’t feel anything for them at all. 

And then get those same stressful thoughts saying ‘’see, your body erected. Is you really didn’t like them, then your body wouldn’t react to these thoughts about them’’ or saying ‘’you are lying to yourself the more you say you hate them. You are denying when your body reacted’’

Which made me cry and even angry because it felted like my whole body betrayed me in a way. I genuinely hate these thoughts and genuinely didn’t feel that way for them. They made me so uncomfortable and i wanted them gone

But anytime i say that i get this uncomfortable sensation in my chest as if was ‘’lying’’ even though what i said was true. And then get another thought that keeps telling me ‘’ you are trying to deny the truth about resisting sexual attractions and urges towards the person. If you really told the truth, you wouldn’t get these sensations ‘’

This kept going on for weeks and it caused me to stop watching the show because of this (and also because the new last season was actually boring and i was begging for it to end) 

And it still kept going bc my fyp is now filled with the fandom of the show

It made me get insomnia bc it is very common for my brain to be awake at night and get these unwanted thoughts. 

I kept getting thoughts telling me that i am unconsciously repressing my natural urges and that i am sharing myself for having sexual feelings even thought i felt genuinely repulsion and disinterest towards them 

It even got to a point where i cried and also gotten a bit aggressive because these thoughts made me angry that it didn’t stop. I got angry at the fact that i couldn’t trust myself Bc anytime when i say the truth, i would become afraid, because what if the things that i say that i think are ‘’true’’ are actually lies and that i am just calling them the truth to deny real desires?

I don’t know what to do. I genuinely am scared rn. I am scared of somehow repressing sexual attraction towards someone even though i would rather lick a wall filled with dried out gum than ever want to be involved with this person. I am scared of somehow forcing myself to be ace even though i never use this label on myself and deep down..I genuinely don’t want to be ace 

Like yes, they are pretty, but i have to be honest, they are not sexually interesting. But i cant say that because ‘’what if i am just saying that to repress sexual attraction bc it is impossible to find someone pretty without wanted see whats between their legs’’ 

I am sick if getting unwanted thoughts anytime i find someone pretty. I also a,ways get these negative thoughts that i say to myself saying that i shouldn’t find someone aesthetically attractive without wanting them sexually. I feel like I should be even though i don’t feel that way for them

It got to a point that I even would be disgusted or uncomfortable to even look at the actor because I hated the thought. They would literally jumscare me or it is just impossible to look at them bc i was afraid of getting triggered by unwanted thoughts 

But yet i am terrified of somehow repressing sexual attraction. What if i am just using the word ocd, intrusive thoughts or asexuality to somehow repress real attraction? (i even get crazy thoughts telling me ‘’ what if you are making those stories up?’’ Even though this actually happened) 

I am genuinely scared, i don’t wanna have sexual repression, it is against my morals. I know feeling sexual attraction is normal, a lot of people in my enviorment express their sexual attraction so i know if i ever do, then it is okay. But idk how it feels. This whole time i used to think that it was finding someone aesthetically appealing when in reality it was something else. I know having sexual thoughts are normal. But i genuinely hated these thoughts

What if i am trying to unconsciously force myself to not feel sexual attraction to be ace or to deny feelings for others? I don’t want that, and I am scared

(FYI:before reading this. I just wanted to inform that i have posted this on the asexual sub, so you might see me mention this label . i also wanted to inform that I don’t use this label myself. I don’t call myself asexual. not to mention that I don’t want to be.)

Hi, I am new to this app and I wanted to talk about something that has been going on for the last 2-3 years (or since 2021, but has worsen in 2024-2026)

This might be very long, pretty personal which i apologise, but i have no one else to talk to about it and i would love if someone would leave comments because i don’t feel good. I feel so uncomfortable and want to cry right now. I know it sounds ridiculous and that I should be sharing this with profession all, but i genuinely have no one to talk to (not to mention that i am unable to afford therapy) and it would be nice if someone who is asexual with ocd that could at least hear me yk

(Disclaimer: i do not label myself as ace. It is true that i relate to this label a lot and it resembles my experience. But because of having symptoms that are similar to ocd and also convincing myself that i must feel sexual attraction to others. It makes it kind of hard to accept that)

Ok so yeah, i am gonna start 

So, for years in my life, i used to think that I felt sexual attraction. I thought that sexual attraction meant finding someones looks admirable or wanting to get to know this person in a platonic/emotional way. Or just wanting to cuddle with them. I am a very affectionate person, when i see someone, it can happen that I get cute agression or just love to admire them. I could find them breathtaking or just would love to shower them with compliments. But i don’t feel like doing anything more than just that

My enviorment is pretty sex-positive and encourages others to express themselves, and i agree. A lot of people in my enviorment loved to talk about who they wanted to smash and also loved sexualizing bodies and things like that.

Like how big boobs are considered sexually appealing or how women would go crazy over a shirtless guy. Or talk about what they would want to do with their crush in a sexual way

I at first thought it was just jokes because i didn’t relate. I even would used to condition myself to feel like others (especially when people kept telling me that if someone finds someone attractive, then it is inherently sexual because it is impossible to find others pretty without thinking about whats under their sacks ig. And if someone doesn’t get sexual feelings or thoughts, then they are probably repressed or suffer with an unstable sexual health)

I picked up on how people would feel for certain things that are considered ‘’sexual’’ for most society and thought to myself ‘’well, if they feel this way then i should too’’ 

So i would kind of try and make myself relate. I would see a shirtless guy or a girl with revealing clothing and think ‘’huh, people go crazy over these. Let’s try and make ourselves go crazy over them to see if i could end up relate’’

Or if i find someone very admiring, i would think ‘’ok so, if i find someone pretty, then i should want what’s between their legs or imagined them without clothes’’

Even though that it wouldn’t make anything different because I don’t find nudity sexual. I find it aesthetically beautiful like art. But when i noticed how others saw it, i tried putting myself into their shoes even thought it didn’t fit for me

(I even used to think that I was bi because I felted the same when it came for any gender)

All of this has been going on for years until in 2021, i have found out about asexuality. 

When I first saw it, I related to it but thought ‘’no, it can’t be that. I feel sexual attraction’’ because ace is all about the lack of sexual attraction

Until someone had to specify to me what it actually meant and how people don’t actually joke about wanting to be sexually intimate with their crushes or when they find people pretty

I searched and searched and even found out that sexual attraction is somehing that is unconscious and that someone wouldn’t know if they ever feel it. Or that it is someones subconscious animal brain targeting their potential mate

This all went me to a spiral and realized that I might have been ace but with a very strong sensual/aesthetic attraction

But it still didn’t stop me from convincing/conditioning myself that I will someday feel it. I even would used to ( and still do, sadly) train my body to become aroused or make it erect by command to things that people find sexually appealing (or if i found someone pretty, bc a lot of people would tell me that they usually feel wet when they find someone attractive)

It kept going until in 2024, it has started to worsen.

I have started to develop sexual thoughts that I never wanted. 

These thoughts aren’t thought on purpose nor do I even enjoy it. They would pop out of nowhere, especially at night when I sleepning

I kept having sexual intrusive thoughts that kept getting worse every month. Especially when I found someone pretty

Anytime when I stumble upon a person that I considered very admiring to look at, i would go ‘’wow, they are beautiful’’ and would think about drawing them, how they look like they could be on a sick edit or how it would be nice to have a convo with them. I don’t feel any other desires than just this

But when this happens, I would start to get those unwanted sexual thoughts that keeps popping up

They are very vivid and repulsive 

Or just words in my head saying ‘’ oh, you wanna see whats under their pants’’ or ‘’you feel the urge to ravish them sexually’’ 

Or it can be just me seeing an aesthetically appealing person and i would go ‘’wow, they are so cool I wish i could-‘’

But then these thoughts would cut off/interrupt the thoughts that I make and then replace them with words that I wasn’t thinking about like ‘’SEX. YOU WANNA GO DIRTY WITH THEM’’ even thought it isn’t what I was trying or want to say (i wanted to say that i wish i could have their cool fashion sense but that’s pretty much it)

At first i usually would go ‘’WOAH, woah, hold on…This is not what i want to do to them! I don’t find them sexually appealing!’’

But then i would get more stressful thoughts that would go ‘’ you are just saying that to deny the fact that you want them that way and do it so you can be different’’ or ‘’ you are trying to resist the urge to do sexual things to them because you are sexually repressing your attractions and natural sexual urges out of shame’’ 

Which got me terrified because this is against to what i thought. I would never repress feelings for others. If i love them, i love them. If i hate them, i hate them. If i feel indifferent, then i feel indifferent.

For me, the idea of unconsciously pushing away your feelings that are normal terrifies me. Especially when a person represses them unconsciously.

I am against it and it would even petrify me if i would ever do. This is something that i am against.

So i kept saying to myself ‘’no! I could never. This is something that i am against!’’ But then my brain kept giving me more unwanted thoughts telling me ‘’you are lying to yourself and you are only pretendimg to not know how sexual attraction feels so that you can deny the fact that you feel it. You want to resist these feelings to repress them or to be an orientation that you are not’’

Which made it even worse.

I even kept having this weird sensation that i was ‘’lying to myself’’ or that i ‘’liked the thoughts’’ even thought I genuinely hate the thought and wasn’t lying when i do so (not to mention that i am terrible liar).

Worse (which is a bit tmi). My body would even get physical arousal from them even thought I wasn’t sexually attracted to the person that trigger these intrusive thoughts or the intrusive thoughts on it’s own

I even started to get weird routines like, checking my heartbeat rhythm to see if i am lying about not liking the thoughts or not feeling sexual attraction to people (after i get intrusive thoughts about people that I find pretty)

Forcing myself to look at myself naked in the mirror and say that I am beautiful because i was afraid of insecurity was the cause of me not wanting sex and getting unwanted thoughts

Or just go to Google and search ‘’am I repressed’’ tests to see if I am repressing

But they never work, they only worsen them and I hate it ( which is where my therapist suggested the possibility of be having sexual themed OCD) 

Fast foward to now, it has gotten even worse because now, someone is triggering it

Ok so, i watched a show series with an actor that I admired a lot. I liked their face, specifically. I think they are super admiring to look at and even fun to talk to or draw. They are very easy on the eyes and thought that they were classy or cunty tbh

I also envied them in a way, i kind of wanted to be them. 

I searched about them out of curiousity but then this is where i kept having intrusive thoughts about them. 

It kept coming over and over again. And again, i would usually react to these thoughts by saying ‘’hey, i didn’t like these thoughts about them. I don’t feel that way for them and i found these thoughts repulsive’’

But then i would get these horrible thoughts in my head that kept saying ‘’you are just saying that so you can resist the urge to want them sexually and you are trying to repress sexual attraction to be asexual’’ 

Which at first i ignored but then it kept getting worse. I kept getting constant unwanted thought about this specific actor and i kept having thoughts saying ‘’ if you ignored these thoughts it meant that you are trying to deny the fact that you want them that way’’ or ‘’ oh, what if you are lying to yourself about not finding them sexy’’ and things like this

It worsened a lot, especially since i am watching this show with my mother and each week, we would have to watch two episodes of it. Which made it so difficult to even focus on enjoying the show because anytime this actor would come on the screen, it would trigger these same intrusive thoughts and i would feel so uncomfortable and sick

And even worse, when i get triggered by these thoughts about the actors. My body would physically react even though i genuinely HATE those vivid images in my head or don’t feel anything for them at all. 

And then get those same stressful thoughts saying ‘’see, your body erected. Is you really didn’t like them, then your body wouldn’t react to these thoughts about them’’ or saying ‘’you are lying to yourself the more you say you hate them. You are denying when your body reacted’’

Which made me cry and even angry because it felted like my whole body betrayed me in a way. I genuinely hate these thoughts and genuinely didn’t feel that way for them. They made me so uncomfortable and i wanted them gone

But anytime i say that i get this uncomfortable sensation in my chest as if was ‘’lying’’ even though what i said was true. And then get another thought that keeps telling me ‘’ you are trying to deny the truth about resisting sexual attractions and urges towards the person. If you really told the truth, you wouldn’t get these sensations ‘’

This kept going on for weeks and it caused me to stop watching the show because of this (and also because the new last season was actually boring and i was begging for it to end) 

And it still kept going bc my fyp is now filled with the fandom of the show

It made me get insomnia bc it is very common for my brain to be awake at night and get these unwanted thoughts. 

I kept getting thoughts telling me that i am unconsciously repressing my natural urges and that i am sharing myself for having sexual feelings even thought i felt genuinely repulsion and disinterest towards them 

It even got to a point where i cried and also gotten a bit aggressive because these thoughts made me angry that it didn’t stop. I got angry at the fact that i couldn’t trust myself Bc anytime when i say the truth, i would become afraid, because what if the things that i say that i think are ‘’true’’ are actually lies and that i am just calling them the truth to deny real desires?

I don’t know what to do. I genuinely am scared rn. I am scared of somehow repressing sexual attraction towards someone even though i would rather lick a wall filled with dried out gum than ever want to be involved with this person. I am scared of somehow forcing myself to be ace even though i never use this label on myself and deep down..I genuinely don’t want to be ace 

Like yes, they are pretty, but i have to be honest, they are not sexually interesting. But i cant say that because ‘’what if i am just saying that to repress sexual attraction bc it is impossible to find someone pretty without wanted see whats between their legs’’ 

I am sick if getting unwanted thoughts anytime i find someone pretty. I also a,ways get these negative thoughts that i say to myself saying that i shouldn’t find someone aesthetically attractive without wanting them sexually. I feel like I should be even though i don’t feel that way for them

It got to a point that I even would be disgusted or uncomfortable to even look at the actor because I hated the thought. They would literally jumscare me or it is just impossible to look at them bc i was afraid of getting triggered by unwanted thoughts 

But yet i am terrified of somehow repressing sexual attraction. What if i am just using the word ocd, intrusive thoughts or asexuality to somehow repress real attraction? (i even get crazy thoughts telling me ‘’ what if you are making those stories up?’’ Even though this actually happened) 

I am genuinely scared, i don’t wanna have sexual repression, it is against my morals. I know feeling sexual attraction is normal, a lot of people in my enviorment express their sexual attraction so i know if i ever do, then it is okay. But idk how it feels. This whole time i used to think that it was finding someone aesthetically appealing when in reality it was something else. I know having sexual thoughts are normal. But i genuinely hated these thoughts

What if i am trying to unconsciously force myself to not feel sexual attraction to be ace or to deny feelings for others? I don’t want that, and I am scared

Hi, I am new to this app and I wanted to talk about something that has been going on for the last 2-3 years (or since 2021, but has worsen in 2024-2026)

This might be very long, pretty personal which i apologise, but i have no one else to talk to about it and i would love if someone would leave comments because i don’t feel good. I feel so uncomfortable and want to cry right now. I know it sounds ridiculous and that I should be sharing this with profession all, but i genuinely have no one to talk to (not to mention that i am unable to afford therapy) and it would be nice if someone who is asexual with ocd that could at least hear me yk

(Disclaimer: i do not label myself as ace. It is true that i relate to this label a lot and it resembles my experience. But because of having symptoms that are similar to ocd and also convincing myself that i must feel sexual attraction to others. It makes it kind of hard to accept that)

Ok so yeah, i am gonna start 

So, for years in my life, i used to think that I felt sexual attraction. I thought that sexual attraction meant finding someones looks admirable or wanting to get to know this person in a platonic/emotional way. Or just wanting to cuddle with them. I am a very affectionate person, when i see someone, it can happen that I get cute news agression or just love to admire them. I could find them breathtaking or just would love to shower them with compliments. But i don’t feel like doing anything more than just that

My enviorment is pretty sex-positive and encourages others to express themselves, and i agree. A lot of people in my enviorment loved to talk about who they wanted to smash and also loved sexualizing bodies and things like that.

Like how big boobs are considered sexually appealing or how women would go crazy over a shirtless guy. Or talk about what they would want to do with their crush in a sexual way

I at first thought it was just jokes because i didn’t relate. I even would used to condition myself to feel like others (especially when people kept telling me that if someone finds someone attractive, then it is inherently sexual because it is impossible to find others pretty without thinking about whats under their sacks ig. And if someone doesn’t get sexual feelings or thoughts, then they are probably repressed or suffer with an unstable sexual health)

I picked up on how people would feel for certain things that are considered ‘’sexual’’ for most society and thought to myself ‘’well, if they feel this way then i should too’’ 

So i would kind of try and make myself relate. I would see a shirtless guy or a girl with revealing clothing and think ‘’huh, people go crazy over these. Let’s try and make ourselves go crazy over them to see if i could end up relate’’

Or if i find someone very admiring, i would think ‘’ok so, if i find someone pretty, then i should want what’s between their legs or imagined them without clothes’’

Even though that it wouldn’t make anything different because I don’t find nudity sexual. I find it aesthetically beautiful like art. But when i noticed how others saw it, i tried putting myself into their shoes even thought it didn’t fit for me

(I even used to think that I was bi because I felted the same when it came for any gender)

All of this has been going on for years until in 2021, i have found out about asexuality. 

When I first saw it, I related to it but thought ‘’no, it can’t be that. I feel sexual attraction’’ because ace is all about the lack of sexual attraction

Until someone had to specify to me what it actually meant and how people don’t actually joke about wanting to be sexually intimate with their crushes or when they find people pretty

I searched and searched and even found out that sexual attraction is somehing that is unconscious and that someone wouldn’t know if they ever feel it. Or that it is someones subconscious animal brain targeting their potential mate

This all went me to a spiral and realized that I might have been ace but with a very strong sensual/aesthetic attraction

But it still didn’t stop me from convincing/conditioning myself that I will someday feel it. I even would used to ( and still do, sadly) train my body to become aroused or make it erect by command to things that people find sexually appealing (or if i found someone pretty, bc a lot of people would tell me that they usually feel wet when they find someone attractive)

It kept going until in 2024, it has started to worsen.

I have started to develop sexual thoughts that I never wanted. 

These thoughts aren’t thought on purpose nor do I even enjoy it. They would pop out of nowhere, especially at night when I sleepning

I kept having sexual intrusive thoughts that kept getting worse every month. Especially when I found someone pretty

Anytime when I stumble upon a person that I considered very admiring to look at, i would go ‘’wow, they are beautiful’’ and would think about drawing them, how they look like they could be on a sick edit or how it would be nice to have a convo with them. I don’t feel any other desires than just this

But when this happens, I would start to get those unwanted sexual thoughts that keeps popping up

They are very vivid and repulsive 

Or just words in my head saying ‘’ oh, you wanna see whats under their pants’’ or ‘’you feel the urge to ravish them sexually’’ 

Or it can be just me seeing an aesthetically appealing person and i would go ‘’wow, they are so cool I wish i could-‘’

But then these thoughts would cut off/interrupt the thoughts that I make and then replace them with words that I wasn’t thinking about like ‘’SEX. YOU WANNA GO DIRTY WITH THEM’’ even thought it isn’t what I was trying or want to say (i wanted to say that i wish i could have their cool fashion sense but that’s pretty much it)

At first i usually would go ‘’WOAH, woah, hold on…This is not what i want to do to them! I don’t find them sexually appealing!’’

But then i would get more stressful thoughts that would go ‘’ you are just saying that to deny the fact that you want them that way and do it so you can be different’’ or ‘’ you are trying to resist the urge to do sexual things to them because you are sexually repressing your attractions and natural sexual urges out of shame’’ 

Which got me terrified because this is against to what i thought. I would never repress feelings for others. If i love them, i love them. If i hate them, i hate them. If i feel indifferent, then i feel indifferent.

For me, the idea of unconsciously pushing away your feelings that are normal terrifies me. Especially when a person represses them unconsciously.

I am against it and it would even petrify me if i would ever do. This is something that i am against.

So i kept saying to myself ‘’no! I could never. This is something that i am against!’’ But then my brain kept giving me more unwanted thoughts telling me ‘’you are lying to yourself and you are only pretendimg to not know how sexual attraction feels so that you can deny the fact that you feel it. You want to resist these feelings to repress them or to be an orientation that you are not’’

Which made it even worse.

I even kept having this weird sensation that i was ‘’lying to myself’’ or that i ‘’liked the thoughts’’ even thought I genuinely hate the thought and wasn’t lying when i do so (not to mention that i am terrible liar).

Worse (which is a bit tmi). My body would even get physical arousal from them even thought I wasn’t sexually attracted to the person that trigger these intrusive thoughts or the intrusive thoughts on it’s own

I even started to get weird routines like, checking my heartbeat rhythm to see if i am lying about not liking the thoughts or not feeling sexual attraction to people (after i get intrusive thoughts about people that I find pretty)

Forcing myself to look at myself naked in the mirror and say that I am beautiful because i was afraid of insecurity was the cause of me not wanting sex and getting unwanted thoughts

Or just go to Google and search ‘’am I repressed’’ tests to see if I am repressing

But they never work, they only worsen them and I hate it ( which is where my therapist suggested the possibility of be having sexual themed OCD) 

Fast foward to now, it has gotten even worse because now, someone is triggering it

Ok so, i watched a show series with an actor that I admired a lot. I liked their face, specifically. I think they are super admiring to look at and even fun to talk to or draw. They are very easy on the eyes and thought that they were classy or cunty tbh

I also envied them in a way, i kind of wanted to be them. 

I searched about them out of curiousity but then this is where i kept having intrusive thoughts about them. 

It kept coming over and over again. And again, i would usually react to these thoughts by saying ‘’hey, i didn’t like these thoughts about them. I don’t feel that way for them and i found these thoughts repulsive’’

But then i would get these horrible thoughts in my head that kept saying ‘’you are just saying that so you can resist the urge to want them sexually and you are trying to repress sexual attraction to be asexual’’ 

Which at first i ignored but then it kept getting worse. I kept getting constant unwanted thought about this specific actor and i kept having thoughts saying ‘’ if you ignored these thoughts it meant that you are trying to deny the fact that you want them that way’’ or ‘’ oh, what if you are lying to yourself about not finding them sexy’’ and things like this

It worsened a lot, especially since i am watching this show with my mother and each week, we would have to watch two episodes of it. Which made it so difficult to even focus on enjoying the show because anytime this actor would come on the screen, it would trigger these same intrusive thoughts and i would feel so uncomfortable and sick

And even worse, when i get triggered by these thoughts about the actors. My body would physically react even though i genuinely HATE those vivid images in my head or don’t feel anything for them at all. 

And then get those same stressful thoughts saying ‘’see, your body erected. Is you really didn’t like them, then your body wouldn’t react to these thoughts about them’’ or saying ‘’you are lying to yourself the more you say you hate them. You are denying when your body reacted’’

Which made me cry and even angry because it felted like my whole body betrayed me in a way. I genuinely hate these thoughts and genuinely didn’t feel that way for them. They made me so uncomfortable and i wanted them gone

But anytime i say that i get this uncomfortable sensation in my chest as if was ‘’lying’’ even though what i said was true. And then get another thought that keeps telling me ‘’ you are trying to deny the truth about resisting sexual attractions and urges towards the person. If you really told the truth, you wouldn’t get these sensations ‘’

This kept going on for weeks and it caused me to stop watching the show because of this (and also because the new last season was actually boring and i was begging for it to end) 

And it still kept going bc my fyp is now filled with the fandom of the show

It made me get insomnia bc it is very common for my brain to be awake at night and get these unwanted thoughts. 

I kept getting thoughts telling me that i am unconsciously repressing my natural urges and that i am sharing myself for having sexual feelings even thought i felt genuinely repulsion and disinterest towards them 

It even got to a point where i cried and also gotten a bit aggressive because these thoughts made me angry that it didn’t stop. I got angry at the fact that i couldn’t trust myself Bc anytime when i say the truth, i would become afraid, because what if the things that i say that i think are ‘’true’’ are actually lies and that i am just calling them the truth to deny real desires?

I don’t know what to do. I genuinely am scared rn. I am scared of somehow repressing sexual attraction towards someone even though i would rather lick a wall filled with dried out gum than ever want to be involved with this person. I am scared of somehow forcing myself to be ace even though i never use this label on myself and deep down..I genuinely don’t want to be ace 

Like yes, they are pretty, but i have to be honest, they are not sexually interesting. But i cant say that because ‘’what if i am just saying that to repress sexual attraction bc it is impossible to find someone pretty without wanted see whats between their legs’’ 

I am sick if getting unwanted thoughts anytime i find someone pretty. I also a,ways get these negative thoughts that i say to myself saying that i shouldn’t find someone aesthetically attractive without wanting them sexually. I feel like I should be even though i don’t feel that way for them

It got to a point that I even would be disgusted or uncomfortable to even look at the actor because I hated the thought. They would literally jumscare me or it is just impossible to look at them bc i was afraid of getting triggered by unwanted thoughts 

But yet i am terrified of somehow repressing sexual attraction. What if i am just using the word ocd, intrusive thoughts or asexuality to somehow repress real attraction? (i even get crazy thoughts telling me ‘’ what if you are making those stories up?’’ Even though this actually happened) 

I am genuinely scared, i don’t wanna have sexual repression, it is against my morals. I know feeling sexual attraction is normal, a lot of people in my enviorment express their sexual attraction so i know if i ever do, then it is okay. But idk how it feels. This whole time i used to think that it was finding someone aesthetically appealing when in reality it was something else. I know having sexual thoughts are normal. But i genuinely hated these thoughts

What if i am trying to unconsciously force myself to not feel sexual attraction to be ace or to deny feelings for others? I don’t want that, and I am scared