Thoughts? Have you ever done or seen a student do it? I know it's not against the rules, but how much trouble would I be in if I got found out? How weirded out would the prof be?
I wanted to try a class but I won't be able to register due to reasons so I was thinking of sitting in to listen/take notes to learn on my own even without the credit
I'm learning so much yall
Every year is a little bit better
Self directed forgiveness is great especially when you overthink
I am finding peace
Now, I just need it to stick
Forever
I never want to go back to the self-loathing and the world-heavy burden of before
I'm slowly working on the things I want to work on, I'm learning to reach out, I'm learning to do so much better on my own
Life is looking okay right about now even if there's still plenty more to solve 😌❤️✨️
I wish I could say more, but it's all been said before. It's the typical phrases. Think on them if you need to and let them fall into place
It might take time, but one day it likely will be okay again
I want to do things
But I am scared of many things
I know I can become great
But I am scared of putting myself out there earnestly
I am scared of actually trying
I am scared of failing publicly
in part because I know when I fall, I'll have to pick myself up again alone
in other part because I know that I have a fragile ego (not that you'll ever catch me saying anything like that irl though lol)
and also because I know people expect me to fail
I've done things before, but
I haven't tried (something I love) yet
but I desperately want to
I don't know how
but I kind of do
I can feel it in my bones
If I stop trying to be superhuman tomorrow,
in a few years I could actually get pretty close
I can't ask anyone irl
but I'm willing to ask here
I want to do things
But I am scared of many things
I know I can become great
But I am scared of putting myself out there earnestly
I am scared of actually trying
I am scared of failing publicly
in part because I know when I fall, I'll have to pick myself up again alone
in other part because I know that I have a fragile ego (not that you'll ever catch me saying anything like that irl though lol)
and also because I know people expect me to fail
I haven't tried yet
but I desperately want to
I don't know how
but I kind of do
I can feel it in my bones
If I stop trying to be superhuman tomorrow,
in a few years I could actually get pretty close
I can't ask anyone irl
but I'm willing to ask here
I will forever be grateful that I was a kid pre-tiktok and meta glasses, before posting kids and strangers online was a normal thing
because the things I used to do HAUNT me to this day as a full grown adult
I will forever be grateful that my school had a phone ban because I was pulling stunts without a care for social norms and expectations back in the day
The horror of reminiscing
I could never go back to High School because what was that?
And I had a reputation of being a calm child
I was under the radar
and unaware of what was happening around me
I am terrified of child me because
Again
WHAT WAS THAT?
💀💀💀
No I will not go into specifics because the world doesn't need to know what it didn't witness 😭😭💀
I will forever be grateful that I was a kid pre-tiktok and meta glasses, before posting kids and strangers online was a normal thing
because the things I used to do HAUNT me to this day as a full grown adult
I will forever be grateful that my school had a phone ban because I was pulling stunts without a care for social norms and expectations back in the day
The horror of reminiscing
I could never go back to High School because what was that?
And I had a reputation of being a calm child
I was under the radar
and unaware of what was happening around me
I am terrified of child me because
Again
WHAT WAS THAT?
💀💀💀
I went to a store today and asked for a specific item. The guy at the counter didn't even recognize the brand so I ask if he knows where the nearest store (same chain) is. He says yes and proceeds to tell me to type the name into google maps to find it
...
Fuck you
...
Just for that I hope you stub your pinky toe every time you take off your socks for the rest of the year
🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
...
Fuck you. Wasted my time
You make me so mad
LPT, if you don't know something just say so
The sane thing to do here would've been to say 'no (I don't know where the nearest store is)'
or to use your own damn phone to google it
Again
Fuck you 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Broke my promise to post this. Hope your happy
🖕
I am average height, average hair, very light makeup
I realized that I haven't changed since high school. There are many things I am not willing to try yet, but I recently started experimenting with makeup, jewelry and my hair too
I wear my hair in a puff, afro or twist/twist-outs
I'm thinking of trying clear nail polish again, but my parents might make a fuss (be way too excited and I don't want to deal with them teasing me or exposing my business to people I don't know) so I'm hesitant
I try to wear skirts but that sticks out sorely in my city and while no one will say anything bad to your face about it, any awkwardness will be mocked or ridiculed in private by at least one person
Skirts are way too cheeky for my comfort right now and the last time I went shopping for one, they were all see-through
to be honest, I'm barely comfortable with changing but I keep getting overlooked and made out to be stupid (people repeating my words and suddenly it's a good idea, people overexplaining basic things like google maps as though I didn't know what technology was, etc.)
I could also get corrective surgery for strabismus, but idk if I want to risk blindness just yet. Sure the risk is low, but it's never 0. I think I can deal with people's bs for a bit longer if that means I don't have to risk it yet
I don't like wearing makeup everyday, but people look me in the eyes a little more when I do, less people ask if I'm sick or tired when I do. It makes me feel horrible, but I have to pick my battles as they say and that's not one I'm winning. Trust me, I've been trying for years
I don't like doing slick back buns all the time, but I get more patience and compassion when I do compared to when I have my afro.
I got profiled today by a black girl at sephora. She followed me everywhere. She always came back after helping other customers, asked for my name 'just in case' and just stood there as I swatched a few testers on my arm. I didn't end up buying anything. It's the first time it happened to me there, but it was bound to happen one day I guess.
I try to slouch less. Standing straight feels weird and wrong, but I do it nonetheless because otherwise I look even more compact than I already do
I try to not hate myself, but whenever some people are around, I can't help but do. It's inevitable. They don't say anything bad anymore, but I think on some level, I internalized what they used to say
I couldn't tell you what exactly I don't like
It's everything and nothing. Half the time I don't know what my face looks like despite the fact that I'm always staring at myself whenever there's a mirror or glass or anything reflective
idk if that's normal or not
My parents don't think that I'm normal
I bought a skin-tight camisole today. My sister gave me the dirtiest look when I said I would get the size small. It fit, but I have a belly and in my family that's the worst crime
I still bought it, because I could use it and a pair of flowy, brown polka dot pants. I'm ok with me, but I don't think the world is.
It obviously doesn't hate me, but I'm not needed in any way.
I am entirely replaceable and unmemorable. I would be forgotten if not for pictures.
I don't want to pretend to be someone who is not me, but I still want to go far. There doesn't seem to be a place for me in anything significant if not for being a prop, an aide, a wallflower despite trying
Some people shine without even trying and all I want is to matter to someone
I wish someone would remember me sometimes
I'm tired of begging people to see me
I'm not trying to literally "disappear" in case any of you were worried, I still have (hopefully) a little over half a century to live so I'll keep trying
But I won't lie and say I'm feeling all too great about what seems to be waiting for me
I'm actually kind of sad because I genuinely loved that job but it didn't pay much
I got another opportunity that pays better, treats people better and is inside WITH a/c :DDD
I'm set to start next monday but I only got the confirmation today so I wanted to wait for that confirmation before quitting. Just in case lol
I know I'm probably making some people's lives a little harder but they'll figure it out I think
I still kind of feel bad, but your girl's gotta grow. I've been at the same job for 4 years barely any pay increase and this jump is more than the total increases I got the past 4 years. I like the people well enough but I wouldn't call anyone even a work friend.
I know I'm making the right choice, but I still feel bad. I offered to stay until friday but they might just tell me to not show up again. It's probably a burnt bridge but hopefully that won't bite me in the ass later
I'm actually kind of sad because I genuinely loved that job but it didn't pay much
I got another opportunity that pays better, treats people better and is inside WITH a/c :DDD
I'm set to start next monday but I only got the confirmation today so I wanted to wait for that confirmation before quitting. Just in case lol
I know I'm probably making some people's lives a little harder but they'll figure it out I think
I still kind of feel bad, but your girl's gotta grow. I've been at the same job for 4 years barely any pay increase and this jump is more than the total increases I got the past 4 years. I like the people well enough but I wouldn't call anyone even a work friend.
I know I'm making the right choice, but I still feel bad. I offered to stay until friday but they might just tell me to not show up again. It's probably a burnt bridge but hopefully that won't bite me in the ass later
Mildly to kind of extremely pessimistic and potentially toxic, TMI post
I think I will die alone
I've made my peace with that a long time ago. I wish they would at least spare a day of two every few months to just talk and hang out because I genuinely love them all so much and would be so willing to help them out whenever, in however way I can, but I also decided to stop chasing people who are running away from me a long time ago.
I know some of them are more likely to end up in an abusive or neglectful relationship because they have low self-esteem, seek validation anywhere they can get it and have parental pressure to stick to a certain type of man.
I'm pretty sad at the prospect, because I don't wish any of them bad luck or ill will. I wish I could be there to help if they ever ended up a single married mom without the option of divorce, but I will not force myself into their lives if they don't make leave space for me in it.
The door will likely always stay somewhat open because I can't in good conscience ignore a woman I know if she ever needs help but once comfort and trust is lost it's hard to be truly warm again
I also like men. But. Day after day, I am disappointed. The internet isn't real, but real life is somehow worse the more you talk to people. The older I get, the more microaggressions multiply and become more obvious. The more I am aware, the more tired I get and I keep thinking whether or not I want to gamble on my future with a man that doesn't understand or doesn't believe me when I talk about what I go/went through, with a man that values other men's opinions over women's especially his gf/fiance or wife, a man that fetishizes me or a man that gives me a shut up ring and/or lands me in the same position that I worry about for my friends
Either way I will always lose. If I marry a white man, I'll be called a whore. If I marry anlther minority, I'm still trash. If I marry a black man, he could be the best thing ever which is a heavy burden to carry as a person or the stereotype.
(I did say this was a toxic post)
There is no winning
I still very much long for someone to call my own though not necessarily romantically, just enough that I can rely on them on my bad days, that I can hug/cuddle with, that I can talk to and they could also count on me for the same
(I did say it would be TMI)
I don't think it'll ever happen though so I will likely be the stereotypical old cat lady. Hopefully a rich one with plenty of hobbies.
I have very little faith in humanity humanity
I know on some level, I am unreasonable, but it matters to me that I am seen as a human and that they can also admit that they are human too, not superior but equal
Yes I'm very pessimistic and the bar is way far down. I don't hate being a black woman but I certainly hat north America for always making feel like a zoo showcase, a symbol, an object, a stereotype, an experiment or basically anything other than a person
I've literally never felt like a person. There's always something because as much as it's the only home I've ever known, there are always thorns in my bed and it's not great when everyone ignore it
So there was a training module at work this past week and something stuck with me.
For context, I'm a teacher. We had to simulate a good version and a bad version of a situation between colleagues.
One situation my team was assigned was 'At lunch, the team members split themselves up by culture' aka people only eat with people of their culture. No one seemed to want to see how this could be a problem. Their main argument was that people will sit with their friends and that's fine.
I don't fully disagree and I said as much while insisting that it could become a problem which is what we were tasked to act out.
I wonder about what example that would set for the kids if all the white people sat with their white friends, all the black people sat with their black friends, etc.
I've thought since then that if it were girls sat with girls and boys sat with boys then maybe they would've seen the issue better, but I didn't think to mention either example at the time.
For the record, I don't care about what people do off the clock or who they hang out with, but during lunch, we're still leading by example
There were three other black people in that team of 14 people in total. No one really backed me up so I was left to argue with a wall that wasn't really listening.
I wonder now if I was mistaken in seeing it that way? I don't really see how but maybe I'm wrong
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Venting portion: I'm still quite disappointed by the response to my concerns but it would be dishonest to say I'm surprised. Maple syrup country is very two-faced whether people believe it or not and its citizens love to bury their head in the sand about a lot of things. I'm disappointed that no one really had the courage to back me up but I'm unsurpised. It's not unique to them, but I do seem to attract a lot of resistance to my ideas whatever they may be. Sometimes I'm even right and will get ignored. Then someone else will say it again and it will be welcomed. Then, when I say it was my idea, I get labeled uncooperative/not a team player/unpleasent. It's nothing new but it is still hurtful and tiresome
There was a training module at work this past week and something stuck with me.
For context, I'm a teacher. We had to simulate a good version and a bad version of a situation between colleagues.
One situation my team was assigned was 'At lunch, the team members split themselves up by culture' aka people only eat with people of their culture.
No one seemed to want to see how this could be a problem. Their main argument was that people will sit with their friends and that's fine.
I don't fully disagree and I said as much while insisting that it could become a problem which is what we were tasked to act out.
I wonder about what example that would set for the kids if all the white people sat with their white friends, all the black people sat with their black friends, etc. I've thought since then that if it were girls sat with girls and boys sat with boys then maybe they would've seen the issue better, but I didn't think to mention either example at the time.
For the record, I don't care about what people do off the clock or who they hang out with, but during lunch, we're still leading by example
There were three other black people in that team of 14 people in total. No one really backed me up so I was left to argue with a wall that wasn't really listening.
I wonder now if I was mistaken in seeing it that way? I don't really see how but maybe I'm wrong
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Venting portion:
I'm still quite disappointed by the response to my concerns but it would be dishonest to say I'm surprised. Maple syrup country is very two-faced whether people believe it or not and its citizens love to bury their head in the sand about a lot of things.
I'm disappointed that no one really had the courage to back me up but I'm unsurpised. It's not unique to them, but I do seem to attract a lot of resistance to my ideas whatever they may be. Sometimes I'm even right and will get ignored. Then someone else will say it again and it will be welcomed. Then, when I say it was my idea, I get labeled uncooperative/not a team player/unpleasent. It's nothing new but it is still hurtful and tiresome
I realized that the reason I had trouble at customer service adjacent jobs in the past is likely because I wasn't masking enough so that likely created bad impressions of me to my coworkers. That would explain why I was always in a separate 'bubble' despite being polite and approahable
I'm starting my first corporate job next week. Advice on how to make things flow smoothly? I always do my job well but in almost every position I've held, I've had something along the lines of 'needs to integrate the team more' in my performance report
I'm thinking of looking up practice typical interactions online to have a better idea of expectations, but I also thought to ask here for obvious reasons
Some tips I already found were,
Some questions I have are:
a. How to navigate being invisible but not invisible? What do I tell myself? because sometimes they don't even know my name or my face, then I need help once and it's framed like it's a constant occurrence or I get scolded as though I never did anything correctly before
b. How to avoid or minimize burnout and/or the daily overstimulation that will come with people always talking to me or the surrounding noise?
c. any other piece of advice you think might be relevant and helpful
I realized that the reason I had trouble at customer service adjacent jobs in the past is because I wasn't masking enough so that likely created bad impressions of me to my coworkers. That would explain why I was always in a separate 'bubble' despite being polite and approahable
I'm starting my first corporate job next week. Advice on how to make things flow smoothly? I always do my job well but in almost every position I've held, I've had something along the lines of 'needs to integrate the team more' in my performance report
I'm thinking of looking up practice typical interactions online to have a better idea of expectations, but I also thought to ask here for obvious reasons
Some tips I already found were,
in the morning, greet people with eye-contact, a genuine smile and say their name clearly to make them feel seen
consistency at 40-60% over giving 100% and burning out
I think I'm pretty good at eye-contact, but I may need to smile more, care more about looks (not repeating the same outfit even if it's a different piece of clothing that looks identical) and keep quiet/observe most of the time without waiting too long to ask for help. I'm thinking of just laying out 2 weeks worth of outfits to wear on rotation to simplify the task without weirding people out by wearing the same things week after week.
overall, what I understand is it's better to prioritize the impression/illusion over the reality of things (less is more and all that)
Some questions I have are:
a. How to navigate being invisible but not invisible? What do I tell myself? because sometimes they don't even know my name or my face, then I need help once and it's framed like it's a constant occurrence or I get scolded as though I never did anything correctly before
b. How to avoid or minimize burnout and/or the daily overstimulation that will come with people always talking to me or the surrounding noise?
c. any other piece of advice you think might be relevant and helpful
Unless it's a pre planned, well practiced route, I hate driving. Today I drove my brother around isolated, rural streets for 3 hours and a half
So many bikes, so many pedestrians, narrow roads, every other car going over the speed limit, so many hills that prevent you from seeing far ahead and nosy people starring because there was an unfamiliar car around making seemingly strange maneuvers (so many U-turns and parking in strange but not illegal places)
I got scolded by a pedestrian for signaling wrong and I honestly can't blame him because I was the one with the multiton tool while he was a fifty year old on a skateboard no helmet.
For the record, I didn't signal wrong but the narrow roads (omg the narrow roads) and not seeing ahead did not inspire confidence in me. And no matter if I am in the right or wrong, if a pedestrian or vulnerable party (like bicycles, motorbikes, etc) politely criticizes my driving I will always take it because again I have a multiton tool at my disposal (that imo is way too necessary for comfort but that's a separate discussion) As soon as it hit that I didn't know where I was going I wanted to turn back or abandon the car with my brother and walk home. I didn't of course. But I am on the floor because what the heck is this? Why is this normal?
The weight of the context hangs over my head everytime I can't just drive somewhere I know with roads I know and it never fully disappears even if I know where I'm headed Anyone relate? I drive to campus sometimes and that's usually fine since it's the same place, same time so I tend to see the same cars and people Anyways that's all
My grades are dropping. They've been dropping since I started high school. Covid for sure accelerated a lot of things. I am about one B away from getting kicked from my major next semester.
I think I should. I am very scared however. I might get denied opportunities in the future because of it, but I may never see them without it
So many horror stories seem to come out everytime I think about it. Especially lately about a black woman who was dismissed from her studies to become an OBGYN due to a system error.
My parents would not approve. I believe this will widen the chasm between my dad and I, but getting kicked from college would land me on the streets so I know which devil is worse. I still remember him saying 'that's not my daughter' after telling him I got rejected from the first two majors I applied to. That was before learning that they weren't open to new students especially if your grades were too high as they automatically assume that too high school grades are inflated, but I digress
The point is, I would like to do a master's abroad in a 2-3 years. The scholarship for that requires great grades, awesome ones even since it's fully funded and you get to choose the uni you attend. That's enough time to get my gpa back up, but I don't think I'll make it alone.
My college would be informed of all conclusions since It'd be on the insurance they provide full-time students. My doctor recommended I go with them since community waitlists are YEARS long and the damage might already be done then.
It's been instilled in me that medical notes are forever. Academic failures also are. I have quite a few of one without citable justification and they keep multiplying.
Logically, I know what to do, but can I get some reassurance that it'll be okay?
I might still regret it, but I might regret not doing it more later. Even if they say no, even if it turns out that I'm just lazy and incapable, I think it would be best to know for sure, but like I said, I'm scared (terrified really) so replies would be welcome
I told my parents I was going to buy some omega 3 capsules. They offered to get it for me. Then they try to tell me the pharmacist said no
It's omega 3. Over the counter. Wtf is going to happen with on-the-shelf doses🙄
are we going to restrict tylenol too now?
I'm willing to bet the pharmacist said something along the lines of 'it's not strictly necessary' but they're trying to make me believe they said 'no she can't have any'
I'm getting it myself tomorrow anyways. I'm lowkey mad because I had plans for my day that fit this outing and today was almost exceptionally orderly, then they just throw it out willy nilly. The worst part is that I'm not taking any formal medication for adhd. I'm trying my best and they're standing in my way. ughhhhhh
edit: can't edit the title. sorry for the typo :/
I would like to get an adhd and autism assessment. I've heard of the former being covered by the university fees but I haven't heard much about the latter so I'm assuming I might have to wait until post grad for that?
Some sources say to go to the clinic, while other say to email the pmc. Can I really just do that? No additional steps until they reply? or is there another procedure? What do I even say? Should I ask to meet or describe my reasons in detail? Any help is appreciated
Girl sought me out on my lunch break, only wanted to talk about relationships and boyfriends, insists that there must have someone who catches my eye or someone I think is pretty and keeps pushing, I give up and name a guy who is nice/polite, she informs me that he's happily in a relationship, I'm like ok no problem, she's repeats that he's in a relationship and I'm like ok no problem and she gets mad and calls me a wannabe homewrecker
This girl knows I don't fw people like that. She insists that one day I'll 'grow up' and be normal. I may be young but I'm not so young that I don't know what attraction is
edit: The more i think about this, the more ridiculous everything becomes. What even is this? It's so immature. We're grown adults not teenagers 😭
edit: I'm curious, what do you think I do for work?