u/Lucky-Pen4155

I’m a 20m and I just don’t understand how other guys my age aren’t incredibly overwhelmed by life. Especially as a young guy it feels like all the pressure is on. Achieving high grades in school, staying in good shape, finding a nice girl, earning enough to provide for that girl all the while you still need to responsibly save and invest, managing stress, finding time for hobbies, being bombarded with what you should aspire to be constantly on social media…. It all feels like a bit much.

First of all, I have never had a girlfriend nor kissed a girl and I’m 20 years old. I’m a decently looking guy, who’s tall, fairly easy going but introverted and yet I still can’t find someone. I workout and am really into body building but yet still haven’t achieved a decent physique. I work two jobs while also being a university student but yet don’t have any remarkable amounts of money saved in the bank. I try to invest responsibly so I will be setting my future self up for success but it never seems like I am able to put away enough money. All of this stress while being a guy is just really tough. Men’s mental health is starting to get recognized more and more but it’s still a new thing. There’s no one that ever checks in on me and congratulates me for even trying. I don’t want this post to seem like I am searching for validation, I’m not. I am just wondering how other guys my age are able to keep going despite the fact you really never get told good job and everything you strive for is just seen as something that is expected to be done.

This feels like the lonely chapter that Chris Williamson describes. You’re trying all these things to become a better version of yourself so you do start to become isolated as you find out who you are. On top of this, the lonely chapter is filled with a never ending uncertainty if you will actually ever achieve what you set out to accomplish. I just don’t know how either guys my age can keep all the stuff in order. I feel like I am doing everything I can but I am going crazy. Also the stress of social media does not help with this.

The mental health of young men needs to be addressed more :/ I kind of just feel like I’m living for everyone else but myself right now.

So I’m a 20m and I got into bodybuilding about a year in a half ago after being overweight my entire life. In that process I was able to get into the best shape of my life and looked better than 90% of the population. The issue was I hate how small I looked despite being lean since I am a natural lifter and the choices are looking good shirtless but being small or filling out a shirt but carrying a lot of chub. When I got into this shape I still thought I was morbidly obese and because of that figured if I couldn’t diet down correctly I might as well binge eat. Anyways long story short I’m now just an average looking dude with slightly larger arms and hate how nobody has any idea that lift based of my appearance. I want to look like a bodybuilder, I train and diet like a bodybuilder but yet I look like a twig. Everything I eat is dictated by how I look and I am tired of being so disgusting. At this point I’m about to hop on anabolic steroids to get bigger since I want to be noticeably larger and get as much size as possible. For those curious about side effects, I really don’t care about them. I’m already so depressed, am in therapy, have absolutely nobody that cares about me in life so I might as well just leave a big coffin. I hate the way I look and am ready to take steroids to look like a gym bro.

TLDR: I look like shit, the way I look ruins my life and I am going to take steroids to change that

I am a 19m, soon to be 20 in a week and a half or so. I don't know what I am doing with my life, and I am stuck in the "lonely chapter" as Chris Williamson refers to it. I started bodybuilding just over a year ago to try and fix my crippling insecurities, along with the fact that I was super fat. I could not have any crazier body dysmorphia today, as I look like shit and am desperately wanting to hop on anabolic steroids. I don't know what to do anymore. I work constantly and invest the large majority of my money because I believe that to be best for a "good" life, but yet I don't know why I do it cause I am miserable and never have any fun cause my money sits in accounts. I don't talk with any girls my age, nor have I even had a first kiss, and I am about to turn 20. People on the outside see a disciplined guy who constantly goes to the gym, meal preps, speaks Spanish almost fluently, invests his money, and is generally pleasant to be around. All I see is a skinny-fat loser who has zero confidence to talk to girls, can't make it through a day without having a mental breakdown and crying, saves money cause he has zero friends to spend it on or places to spend it at, and is desperately waiting for the end. All my high school friends just went back to college today along with my three siblings, and I am stuck at home with my parents and two dogs because I am too scared to live on campus due to the severe isolation. I already transferred from my first university that was 4 hours away from home due to isolation, and after spending one semester at my local university while living on campus, I cannot do it anymore. College starts up in a week in a half on the same day as my birthday, and i just cant take it anymore. Once my classes start all life will be is fasted cardio, classes, work, gym and sleep all the while throughout the day I eat my meal prep and keep earbuds in, listening to divorced dad rock music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Linkin Park, Avenged Sevenfold, etc) and Spanish music (Feid and Mora) because I can relate to the rock music and spanish music will occasionally put a smile on my face. My parents don't know what to do with my since I used to be such a happy and driven kid but now I just feel lost. On top of this all my siblings are loving college while I sit at home like the ugly duckling in the family who couldn't handle going off on his own to university. I am just am desperate need of guidance; I feel like I am trying my best to be someone whos family would be proud of but instead I am just lost wishing my life away.

I am a 19m, soon to be 20 in a week and a half or so. I don't know what I am doing with my life, and I am stuck in the "lonely chapter" as Chris Williamson refers to it. I started bodybuilding just over a year ago to try and fix my crippling insecurities, along with the fact that I was super fat. I could not have any crazier body dysmorphia today, as I look like shit and am desperately wanting to hop on anabolic steroids. I don't know what to do anymore. I work constantly and invest the large majority of my money because I believe that to be best for a "good" life, but yet I don't know why I do it cause I am miserable and never have any fun cause my money sits in accounts. I don't talk with any girls my age, nor have I even had a first kiss, and I am about to turn 20. People on the outside see a disciplined guy who constantly goes to the gym, meal preps, speaks Spanish almost fluently, invests his money, and is generally pleasant to be around. All I see is a skinny-fat loser who has zero confidence to talk to girls, can't make it through a day without having a mental breakdown and crying, saves money cause he has zero friends to spend it on or places to spend it at, and is desperately waiting for the end. All my high school friends just went back to college today along with my three siblings, and I am stuck at home with my parents and two dogs because I am too scared to live on campus due to the severe isolation. I already transferred from my first university that was 4 hours away from home due to isolation, and after spending one semester at my local university while living on campus, I cannot do it anymore. College starts up in a week in a half on the same day as my birthday, and i just cant take it anymore. Once my classes start all life will be is fasted cardio, classes, work, gym and sleep all the while throughout the day I eat my meal prep and keep earbuds in, listening to divorced dad rock music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Linkin Park, Avenged Sevenfold, etc) and Spanish music (Feid and Mora) because I can relate to the rock music and spanish music will occasionally put a smile on my face. My parents don't know what to do with my since I used to be such a happy and driven kid but now I just feel lost. On top of this all my siblings are loving college while I sit at home like the ugly duckling in the family who couldn't handle going off on his own to university. I am just am desperate need of guidance; I feel like I am trying my best to be someone whos family would be proud of but instead I am just lost wishing my life away.

Hi guys so I’m a 19m that started bodybuilding about 14 months ago. I got into it after I finished playing high school football and was really fat and out of shape. I turned to bodybuilding as a way of betting back in shape and am now fairly far into it even though only 14 months have passed. I am always meal prepping my own foods, weighing out meals, waking up early to do cardio, lifting, and going to bed on time to try to meet my goals. I have really enjoyed all of this despite developing a binge eating disorder and body dysmorphia from body building. Right now my family always gives me shit for walking all the time, being at the gym or wanting to eat my own food. It’s even more intense right now since I am cutting and trying to get rid of some more fat until I can do my first ever real bulk since I am still not lean enough. I try to be incredibly respectful by always washing my dishes and everyone else’s, cleaning the kitchen and storing my food in a separate location but I still get shit. My parents will always ask me why I don’t want to go out to eat breakfast or why I don’t want anything when they all get fast food. The simple answer is that parents along with my 3 other siblings eat fairly unhealthy and I want to break the cycle. Every time I say that I want to do my own thing to make myself proud I just kind of get laughed at. I’m a natural lifter (meaning I don’t take steroid for those unfamiliar with the lingo) and don’t have much muscle mass yet in my opinion. Due to this, my actions are not justified by any results because I really don’t have them. I really don’t know what to do at this point cause my will to keep bodybuilding is wavering from my families constant remarks but I truly hate my body and want to be jacked. The only way forward to reach this goal of being jacked is constant years of weight training and I am just really struggling with my families remarks.

Any advice is more than welcome!!!
I wrote this for feedback from y’all and to vent.
Thanks for reading!!

Hi guys so I’m a 19m that started bodybuilding about 14 months ago. I got into it after I finished playing high school football and was really fat and out of shape. I turned to bodybuilding as a way of betting back in shape and am now fairly far into it even though only 14 months have passed. I am always meal prepping my own foods, weighing out meals, waking up early to do cardio, lifting, and going to bed on time to try to meet my goals. I have really enjoyed all of this despite developing a binge eating disorder and body dysmorphia from body building. Right now my family always gives me shit for walking all the time, being at the gym or wanting to eat my own food. I try to be incredibly respectful by always washing my dishes and everyone else’s, cleaning the kitchen and storing my food in a separate location but I still get shit. My parents will always ask me why I don’t want to go out to eat breakfast or why I don’t want anything when they all get fast food. The simple answer is that parents along with my 3 other siblings eat fairly unhealthy and I want to break the cycle. Every time I say that I want to do my own thing to make myself proud I just kind of get laughed at. I’m a natural lifter (meaning I don’t take steroid for those unfamiliar with the lingo) and don’t have much muscle mass yet in my opinion. Due to this, my actions are not justified by any results because I really don’t have them. I really don’t know what to do at this point cause my will to keep bodybuilding is wavering from my families constant remarks but I truly hate my body and want to be jacked. The only way forward to reach this goal of being jacked is constant years of weight training and I am just really struggling with my families remarks.

Any advice is more than welcome!!!
I wrote this for feedback from y’all and to vent.
Thanks for reading!!

Sorry for the spam of this post but I am in a really bad spot

No one really gives a shit about my situation and my life is kind of fucked even though it’s entirely my fault and I am the one to blame for my inability to reach my goals

I am sitting here crying as I write this. My parents never ask how I’m doing or reach out to me to help even though they know I’m falling apart. My only two friends are too occupied with their own lives as they should be cause ones parents are going through a very rough divorce and the other is occupied year round with high level college baseball. My three sibling are all busy about to head back to college and are focused on their fraternity and sorority and just how great the school year will be. I am truly about to be all alone after the leave for school in a few weeks, idk what to do. I’ll just go back to spending all day a lone in my head while I live at home with my parents and attend a college near my house. I am planning to hop on steroids so i can at least get big because I hate how skinny fat I look and have been lifting too long in the gym to have the physique that I do. I have no girlfriend, nothing meaningful to live for, friends that are all caught up in their lives, parents who are busy with their lives and a mental state that is ruined. I think I’ll take some anabolic steroids for a while, get big, parade around as if everything is okay and then let my heart explode from the steroid abuse.

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

I am literally all alone at this point. Everyone around me is so caught up in their own life that I’m kind of just forgotten about unless someone needs a favor like their grass cut or a ride somewhere. I spend all day in my own head, I go to work at a retail job and put on a happy face, I come home and act like everything’s fine but in reality I’m struggling. The gym is all I have left but it’s a pursuit of perfection that I will never reach and now I am indifferent about it. All I want is someone who cares enough to ask how my day went and give a shit about me.

I am sitting here crying as I write this. My parents never ask how I’m doing or reach out to me to help even though they know I’m falling apart. My only two friends are too occupied with their own lives as they should be cause ones parents are going through a very rough divorce and the other is occupied year round with high level college baseball. My three sibling are all busy about to head back to college and are focused on their fraternity and sorority and just how great the school year will be. I am truly about to be all alone after the leave for school in a few weeks, idk what to do. I’ll just go back to spending all day a lone in my head while I live at home with my parents and attend a college near my house. I am planning to hop on steroids so i can at least get big because I hate how skinny fat I look and have been lifting too long in the gym to have the physique that I do. I have no girlfriend, nothing meaningful to live for, friends that are all caught up in their lives, parents who are busy with their lives and a mental state that is ruined. I think I’ll take some anabolic steroids for a while, get big, parade around as if everything is okay and then let my heart explode from the steroid abuse.

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

I am literally all alone at this point. Everyone around me is so caught up in their own life that I’m kind of just forgotten about unless someone needs a favor like their grass cut or a ride somewhere. I spend all day in my own head, I go to work at a retail job and put on a happy face, I come home and act like everything’s fine but in reality I’m struggling. The gym is all I have left but it’s a pursuit of perfection that I will never reach and now I am indifferent about it. All I want is someone who cares enough to ask how my day went and give a shit about me.

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

I am literally all alone at this point. Everyone around me is so caught up in their own life that I’m kind of just forgotten about unless someone needs a favor like their grass cut or a ride somewhere. I spend all day in my own head, I go to work at a retail job and put on a happy face, I come home and act like everything’s fine but in reality I’m struggling. The gym is all I have left but it’s a pursuit of perfection that I will never reach and now I am indifferent about it. All I want is someone who cares enough to ask how my day went and give a shit about me.

I won’t end my life cause I am a big believer in the myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus and ending my life does not answer my question of how I will live but damn it doesn’t make my struggle any easier.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work (at a chocolate shop which doesn’t help with my binge eating), the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears

Just so lost in life

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears

I don’t know what to do

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears

I don’t even know what to do :/

For some context I’m a 19M who just finished his first year of college. For some context I was captain of my football team in high school at a big school, speak Spanish, had a great group of friends and received a full ride academic scholarship to a small division two school.

After getting through my first semester of college I transferred cause I had zero ability to make friends, I got into bodybuilding after high school ended since football left me fat and because of that I don’t drink, smoke, eat clean and rarely stay up late to prioritize sleep and recovery. I missed my siblings constantly who were all away at other colleges and couldn’t bear the loneliness. On top of this I have always just been a rule follower who preferred to just go play sports or do small get togethers rather than typical college partying. Additionally, I really wanted to study abroad and the country that I wanted to visit was denied by my university. The fact that I was always more introverted, was trying to chase self improvement and hide from my insecurities with bodybuilding, was incredibly homesick, couldn’t study abroad, and absolutely hated the school I was at did not help. I ended up crying almost every night and was in the worst place of my life.

After this dreadful semester, I transferred to a local university where they had an abroad program in the country I wanted to study in. I decided to live on campus even though I was so close to home so I could try and make friends. Unfortunately, I ate all my meals alone almost every day, tried to be as outgoing as possible in class, went to every club event imaginable but this led me no where. The only bright spot was the occasional times I’d each lunch at the dining hall with a girl who I became friends with from one of my clubs. After a while I just started going home every weekend because I was so lonely and my home was so close I could at least hangout with my parents. All I did at this point was go to the gym and practice my Spanish in hopes that I would look better and gain some confidence from a better physique and the ability to speak another language. The semester went on and after basically not talking to a single soul besides the daily good mornings to professors and students in my class Monday through Friday my mental state worsened. I talked to less people now at this university, was so isolated I barely spoke each day unless I was in class, was stressed by school, missed my close friend group and siblings, and just wanted to go back to my old life. Well the semester ended and now things still suck because all my friends go back to college in less than 2 weeks, I am living at home this semester and I haven’t seen my best friend in forever cause he is a high level collegiate athlete occupied with his sport year round while staying on campus.

Fast forward to today and my body dysmorphia from bodybuilding has not gone away and I am desperately wanting to take anabolic steroids. I started binge eating to cope with all my emotions and became severely depressed and eventually medicated. For the first time ever I was put in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to medicate and monitor my depression. The medication only made things worse and my whole view of live just felt grey and without any color or joy. I just found out my university cut the study abroad program in the country I wanted to go to and now I can no longer go abroad as any other Spanish speaking country requires you to specialize in a major that I am not studying. I have an awkward relationship with my parents as they don’t now how to help me and just keep telling me things will get better and not talking to me cause they don’t know what to say since this has never happened before. I have no girlfriend, zero friends, look like shit, struggle with binge eating, keep chasing self help to hide my body image insecurities, and am incredibly depressed. I don’t know what to do at this point cause my body image is all I think about all day long unless I am sulking over my boring ass life that consists of walking, work, the gym, and then sleeping whole having zero meaningful friendships or relationships. The one bright spot for me was hope in this study abroad program and now that is gone too. At this point I keep failing at every goal I have and don’t to know where to begin to fix it. Bodybuilding left me insecure as can be, I can’t go abroad anymore, I have ruined my social life, and my mental state is a mess. The only thing that gets me through this is listening to music (Three Days Grace, Korn, Seether, Alice and Chains, Linkin Park, ETC) all day long but that is pretty pointless.

Sorry for the essay but I needed I rant and don’t know to how to fix my shitty life cause every time I have tried to reach a goal or get myself out of this hole things have just gotten worse. I’m thinking about hiring a bodybuilding coach to get have an outside source help me control my diet and lifting and seeing what comes from that. If anyone has any support or suggestions to get through this I’m all hears