u/Mariamnd06

I recently had my first STD (turns out you can be fully protected but still catching oral gonno from kissing? 😅)

Both my partners got tested and one of them was also positive.

We both got treatment last week and were careful with one another just in case reinfection could happen.

Last night, that partner saw their other person. They’d told this person and the person had said they were going to get tested, but it turns out they hadn’t gotten around to it before last night. My partner went ahead and interacted with them anyway, so potentially has exposed themselves again. Tonight I’m staying over and I’ve just found this out. I guess I’m not kissing or fooling around with them tonight!

But I’m feeling pissed that they knowingly created a risk, knowing it would mean I might have to accept the risk too or avoid sex. Is it fair that I feel upset?

We were switching over from monogamy to nonmonogamy. I wanted to have conversations about expectations and agreements. She called those conversations burdensome and exhausting. She told me it shouldn't matter and that none of my concerns were a big deal. I felt like I had to drag her into these conversations, like getting a middle schooler to do her homework

Now several months later after everything's gone to shit and we've broken up and my entire life has been turned upside down, and everything from my housing to my career to my social life has been set back by years, she keeps telling me over and over again how sorry she is. But then still says shit like this

What's ironic is she calls herself a relationship anarchist, but apparently ignores the part of the manifesto that specifically says that you should deliberately communicate

I think she might actually be more of a relationship libertarian. Just wants to do what she wants when she wants, and I'm overbearing and controlling and have "poor interpersonal skills" when I want to talk about how that affects me

I feel terrible about not being able to go along with what he wants right now, especially since we’ve just come through a rough patch in the relationship. He believes that getting involved with other people during these tense, difficult times could hurt us. I think the opposite: that being with *only* him right now and feeling "trapped" is what will actually affect me negatively.

But those difficult times were actually a domino effect triggered by him hurting me deeply—basically, he told me I was too fat and he wasn't attracted to me after I’d gained just 8kg (starting from a weight of 50kg), all while I was grieving the deaths of two people very close to me. After that, I felt like I couldn't forgive him, but... honestly, I love him. He showed genuine remorse, apologized, and understood why what he did was wrong. Getting back to the open relationship issue: it makes me sad that he’s asking for exclusivity right now, just when I don't feel entirely comfortable sharing that side of things with him. For context: I’ve always identified as non-monogamous, whereas he is monogamous. I chose monogamy with him "for a while," but that period stretched into two years—not by my choice. I’d been asking to open the relationship since day one; he wouldn't say "no," but rather "yes... but later," or "I don't know... but yeah..." So, I kept hoping we’d open it up someday once he made up his mind... and eventually, he did.

Thanks, and sorry for the long post 💗

EDIT: I really appreciate all the advice, truly. I have some tough days ahead but I, luckily have a loving and wonderful wife and we’ll make some difficult decisions together. Thank you all.

Six years ago a woman I was close friends (Jill) with texted me and told me that her and her husband (Ted) were in an open marriage and asked it I wanted to expand our friendship to something sexual.

After months of discussing it with my wife (Nadia), with whom I’d been happily monogamous with for 18 years, she agreed to let Jill and I go away for a weekend and give it a try.

It went really well. A few months later my wife started exchanging messages with Ted, they hit it off.

Jill previously slept with a married man whose wife did not know, but wanted things to be ethical this time.

Jill and I went on weekend trips every few months and weekly date nights; as did Nadia and Ted. We had the usual ups and downs of relationships, I would characterize Jill and Ted as avoidant types and Nadia and I as anxious types, but we all had lots of fun, relaxed times, loving exchanges, etc…it all felt good.

About a year ago, Jill started seeing another man (Rufus) very casually. I had no real issue with this except I still wanted to feel loved and didn’t want it to take away from the time Jill and I spent together.

However, Rufus was married and his wife did not know about he and Jill. Ted had a big problem with this, and asked Jill to end the relationship last fall. He also said he didn’t think she was capable of loving two men at once.

She ended the relationship with Rufus and ended our relationship (abruptly and painfully). She said she was ending both relationships to help save her marriage.

She and I stopped talking but Nadia and Ted continued to see each other. Nadia and I are still in a wonderful and loving marriage, but then I found out that a few months after dumping me she got back together with Rufus behind her husband’s back, and now Jill and Ted are separated, Jill and Rufus aren’t together, and Jill wants to be platonic friends with me.

I don’t know if I should try and be friends with her again. I’m still very hurt at the idea that she ended a long relationship with me to save her marriage but then got back with the very guy (still married with a wife who doesn’t know) that her husband objected to in the first place.

Any advice would help.

-Wounded in the West

Hi,
Honestly the flair Kink and BDSM as well as the opening up flair would have fit this, but I picked the one that is the most ”focused”.
So I (35f) and my boyfriend of 6 years (m32) opened up our relationship last summer. He had told me for several years that he was open to the idea of me having sex with others, and that he even agreed with the normalization of polyamory.
Since I’m kinky (switch) and he’s bisexual but has only been with women, we decided to open up the relationship. I have had a few hook ups but since BDSM requires so much trust, communication and knowing the other person I tried my hand at FWB dynamics. This has gotten complicated since my boyfriend doesn’t want me to cuddle other men, to spend the night at another man’s place or to meet them on the weekends since those, according to him, should belong to him.
On the flip side he hasn’t been able to match with anyone on Grindr or other gay apps. He refuses to visit gay bars. He says that due to being Asian most queer men disregard him and that being on the apps is humiliating; we live in a Nordic country to be specific, however in a capital. He feels Asians are too rare and therefore not liked by anyone; the city we live in does have Asian communities, but I don’t wish to speak for him on what it’s like to be POC.
He has told me I am not allowed to tell anyone that we have an open relationship since it’s a private matter but also because he, as he has put it, would be viewed as ”being a looser who gets cheated on”. He has expressed anger over me having hook ups while he hasn’t and says it’s unfair. I have expressed a desire to have the green light to search for a Dom, but this enraged him as well.
I guess my question boils down to this: Is there any way for me to help my boyfriend to get better at finding hook ups of his own? Is there a way to make our arrangement feel more fair to him? Or should we just close the relationship?
Thank you for your time 🥀

Hey!

I [30M] am in a poly relationship with Emma (primary) and Jess (secondary)

Jess and I are extremely kinky and are often looking for new casual partners separately. She has a lot of casual sex. I would like to as well, but I'm lucky if I meet even a new girl per month.

Last week, she felt down after I cancelled our plans for the weekend because I had a car accident and I got admitted to the hospital (she craves a lot of attention from me because she doesn't have a primary), so she met and hooked up with 4 new people in 2 days.

That's unthinkable for me, even though I'm good looking, I just can't get that kind of attention as a straight man.

I feel very envious of Jess, and I can't do anything to close the gap.

Currently, the only way I feel I could cope with it is meeting escorts when I feel like I want casual sex. But I haven't done it yet, so it might work or might just make things worse.

Opinions, ideas, experiences?

​

So my wife and i attempted swinging once.

With a couple. The girl said she had fertility issues. So her and I did not use barriers.

This happened Dec 23rd.

We recently were told they are pregnant and the guy is "gonna be a dad!" (Which he thought he might he infertile)

Well found out today the due date is 4 months away..... used a calculator and Dec 23rd is right in the when she got pregnant window. They had sex too but the time is.... suspicious.

They seem to be assuming its his. I feel like we should to.... but should we talk to them about it? Like during baby shower or something.

Or just assume its 100% his?

Idk any thoughts.... seems way more likely its his since they had sex way more often.... the timing is just .... suspicious

My wife and I recently discussed opening our marriage. During our follow-up, a significant detail emerged that has me concerned.

She has a crush on a former coworker who recently confessed he has mutual feelings for her. She had talked with me about her feeling for him in the past and initially I had no reservations to her exploring this, until I learned he is married and not in an open relationship. Their marriage is reportedly "not in a great place," and he is not being transparent with his spouse.

My wife has always been vocally critical of cheating, maintaining that if you can’t be honest with your spouse it’s better to separate than go behind their backs. Seeing her turn a blind eye to this person’s lack of transparency is jarring. I’m worried she isn’t thinking this through, and I’m uncomfortable with our first experience in CNM involving a situation that isn't ethical.

I don’t want to micromanage who she sees, but this feels like a shaky foundation for opening up. Am I overthinking this, or is this a valid "red flag" for starting CNM?

tl;dr - sorry, turned out way longer than I thought. Here's the short version: poly for 6+ years, in the beginning agreed with my partner that I'd rather not hear the details of her sex/play with others partner. Today she told me details about sexual encounter (she got double penetrated by other partner and other FWB), my mind made a mental image, have been fully turned off / unattracted / even disgusted perhaps (???) with my partner since then. Feelings are quite strong (not jealousy), even though rationally this puzzle was solved 6 years ago. Does this mean fundamentally I have an unresolved hang-up with poly, or am maybe fundamentally less (okay with) poly as I thought?

---

I've (36M) been with my current partner (32F) for 6.5 years now, and we were poly from the start. "Kitchen table polyamory" we call our variant, non-hierarchical but with the constraint that every romantical contact must be okay enough with each other to at least be able to share dinner at the kitchen table every now and then (meaning if someone has a strong dislike for someone new, we discuss this and while we won't 'veto', we do strongly take each others feelings into account).

Sexual partners / play partners, not so much, they can come and go but I for one am not interested in socializing with them. Like at all. I'm an introvert and really don't care about meeting new people multiple times a year and invest precious energy while they might disappear 2 weeks thereafter, especially not if the only reason I ever see them is "because they're having sex with my partner."

My partner initially really liked sharing everything about every thing she did and anyone she was with. In the beginning of our relationship I have voiced that I'm not particularly interested to hear the details about her play with others, be it BDSM or sex. While I'm happy that she's having fun and finds fulfillment in certain areas I'm less interested in, I felt unconfortable hearing the nitty-gritty.

Since then there have been moments where she voiced that my 'disinterest' (as she calls it) in her other partners made her feel like I maybe deep down wasn't okay with poly after all. Actually, a few years in this became a bigger trust thing that started triggering her anxiety a lot. At times this made me feel pressured to casually ask questions when she talked about her encounters with others - which in some instances effectively came down to asking details about her sex and play - to avoid falling into the trap where stopping her would cause an argument where I would have to defend my 'poly-ness' to ensure her that I was not suddenly going to leave her if she had sex with someone else.

What probably didn't help is that I have not looked actively for another partner in the past 6 years, or dated for that matter, except for having sex with one girl and some lewd stuff with another. For me this was enough and I certainly wasn't looking for another full time relationship.

---

Anyway, apologies for the lengthy pretext. Today something similar happened again. We hadn't seen each other for a while, and while taking a shower together she was updating me on her week. She dropped something about an encounter she had with "John" and "Fred" (1 new relationship + 1 FWB) and then fell silent and 'jokingly' 'teased' me about me never wanting any details anyway so if I wanted to know more I'd have to ask.

She was being a bit weird about it, and there was some tension in the air. I felt uncomfortable about it but against better judgement did play ball, asking something along the lines of "must've been something extraordinary if you say it like that?". Turns out she had a trio with John and Fred. Ok, good for her. Then some more details came out. Turns out she tried double penetration. Then the inevitable thing happened - a visual image formed in my mind with the faces of John and Fred and her in the middle. What I felt was not jealousy - I had felt that in the beginning of our 6 years somewhat regularly, and this was not it. I felt.. Unattracted, but with the snap of a finger. The image kind of disgusted me. I think in a matter of several minutes, my own little "johnny" went from half mast to actually shriveled up as if I'd just had a swim in the cold ocean. If you know what a fetish is (as I do, I have a very big one though very unrelated), let's just say there is one absolute anti-fetish I have which is 'cuck'. This image in my mind, I think, felt like cuck.

The next detail came out a few seconds later, apparently the condom had slipped off when one of them pulled out, so she had to report that there had been unprotected contact. This was the thing she had been uneasy about, hence the tension in the air. She needed to share a lot more details to explain how tf that even happened (I instantly thought the guy bullshitted her and took advantage, but this is not relevant to the story), which certainly didn't help with the mental picture.

---

Right now I'm home, on my own, and this whole thing is resonating in a bad way with me. "What is cuck even", "Why do I hate cuck so much", evolving to "does hating cuck mean I am not okay with her having sex with others" and finally ending up at "was she maybe right all along that i'm not actually poly and am instead just 'tolerating' poly by avoiding talking about her sexual experiences"? Does me avoiding images of her having sex mean I am at some level fundamentally just not okay with it, even though rationally I solved that puzzle 6 years ago and concluded there is no rational reason why any of that should affect our own relationship?

Rationally, I've known for 6 years that I'm okay with her having fun with other people, and I have never told her otherwise. When we did have discussions about it, it has only been about unprotected sex with others (boundary for me - or I suit up myself). But now, it does seem to have a real effect. Even though I know that there is no reason for this knowledge to change anything between us, I felt extremely 'unattracted', had no desire to have sex for the rest of the day despite not having seen her for a week, and currently I still don't.

I've had a similar feeling a few weeks back when I came home and found uncleaned toys in the sink that she'd been using with "John" that day. I knew John was there, I knew John and her had sex, I had no ill feelings towards that up until that point, and then I inadvertently saw an image of him penetrating her with that toy in my mind and went "owh" internally, instant turn-off, and have avoided that particular toy since. (That night actually turned out into a disaster, since she noticed that I wasn't touching her, leading to a big emotional thing about how she felt guilty for leaving the toys out and how unsafe it felt for her that I avoided touching her that evening.)

Is this recognizable to anyone, or does this more look like I have a more fundamental unresolved hang-up with polyamory that I have apparently not confronted myself with before now? Should I be able to hear the details and not be actually fundamentally disgusted with my partner? I kinda start to feel like she might have been right all along..

Hi F26 and my husband M30 have been married for two years and were in an open relationship while we were dating so we’ve been doing so for quite a while with no issue.

The other day he asked me how many people I am currently seeing which he has never done before, we normally never discuss who we’ve been with, and I told him the truth seeing no harm in that. I told him I am seeing three guys and a girl. At first he thought I was joking and once he realized I wasn’t he looked shocked. He then went on to say he normally doesn’t ever have more than one other partner at a time. After that conversation I could tell he was really jealous not upset or anything just jealous.

Now he is saying we should limit how many people we can each see at a time which is not going to fly with me. I’ve always been with at least three people at once the last five years and I’m not changing that. My husband has never had an issue meeting women so it seems to me he just doesn’t want to put in effort of being with more people at a time than his usual.

He’s dropped it now but he’s obviously still jealous though I’m not going to bring it up again. He’s never been the jealous type so I found it all really strange. Has anyone else experienced this before?

I (M45) have been seeing a woman (F42) for over five years now. We were both married when we met, but open. My ex, who was a big proponent of opening our marriage, had major jealousy issues with my girlfriend, even though she was more than happy to date several other partners. It always felt like a huge double standard to me. Our marriage ended for that and various other reasons.

In the years since, my girlfriend and I have continued to see each other and enter into a serious relationship. We would both sometimes see other people, and she remained married. Still, there were major jealousy problems. My girlfriend did not like me dating other people, even when I pointed out that she was still married and sometimes saw other people too.

Now she and her husband are separating. She expressed an interest in becoming monogamous, but I haven't been willing to commit to that yet. She's still married and trying to figure out what will happen with her marriage, so while she is figuring out her home situation, I began seeing someone else casually.

My girlfriend has had major problems with this. She says that it hurts her that I'm seeing someone else, but she doesn't feel it's fair to ask me to stop. She has continued to occasionally play with others, including a very close friend of hers. I've made it clear that I have no issues with that, and that I don't feel any kind of jealousy. She seems hurt that I don't feel jealous, and feels sad that I'm continuing to see someone else even though I know it hurts her.

Once again, I find myself in a relationship where there feels like a huge double standard. She continues to see other people on occasion, but she always has an excuse why it's different.

We've had many conversations about this. She has admitted that her jealousy issues are because of her own past trauma, and acknowledges that she doesn't handle it well. She tells me that I shouldn't change my behavior, and that when she gives me attitude about seeing someone else, I should just let her have her feelings and not let it get to me.

But it's exhausting. I'm tired of having the same old fights and discussions. I'm losing faith that ENM works.

Disclaimer, my partner and I have been together for a year and a half and have always been open (sexually, never romantically). We date together and separate and we now have a bit of experience in both. It was something we both wanted before we had even met each other.

My partner has been seeing someone for the last year and I’ve really struggled with it. In the beginning I would have full blown panic attacks and be a bit compulsive and emotionally reactive. I have since gotten better and I have seen some improvements as has my partner but I still feel as though it’s a work in progress.

Weirdly, sometimes when my partner tells me they’re meeting up with this person I’m okay, not 100% but still okay. However, my partner is seeing this person tomorrow and all of those feelings of resentment towards the other person and fear of rejection have been brought back up but the biggest feeling of all is just pure sadness. I’ve had it a few times before but not like this. It’s not all intense anxiety, it’s not even all jealousy it’s just this really sunken feeling and this urge to just cry.

Is this some sort of stages of grief situation or is this not normal? I love my partner and everything about our relationship but I’m scared my mind will never settle.

My gf (26F) and I (31M) have had a very sexually open relationship since the beginning. We met talking about kinks and we’ve always been extremely honest with each other. We’ve done swinging with couples, played with single men, single women, and most experiences have been positive. Our sex life as a couple is great and we have a strong connection.

Recently we met up with another couple and the experience wasn’t good for her (she didn’t like the guy and felt uncomfortable). After that, she told me she felt a lot of jealousy seeing me giving affection and attention to the other woman. It’s not fear of losing me or me falling in love, but a strong discomfort just from seeing the act itself. She said she never wants me to be with other women again.

However, she still wants to continue seeing other men. I can understand her jealousy and I’m okay with foi sing only on men, because that’s actually the dynamic that turns me on the most. The problem isn’t that I’m desperate to be with women all the time. What’s bothering me is the permanent ban and the asymmetry of the situation.

I feel frustrated, a bit trapped, and unfairly treated. It feels like the rule only applies to my side. If the roles were reversed (me feeling jealous and forbidding her from seeing other men), I’m almost sure it wouldn’t be accepted so easily.

Has anyone been through something similar? How do you deal with asymmetrical jealousy in non-monogamy? Is it normal to feel this way even though I actually prefer the dynamic with men? I’m worried that if I just swallow this, resentment will build up later.

Thanks for reading.

I just need to rant for a hot minute about other men in the lifestyle for a sec (I'm m 34).

Half the posts on here are guys like having their eyelids ripped open to the fact that they aren't as desirable as they thought, dating is a challenge for them but not their wives, and if you add in ANY complicating factor (i.e. living in a rural area) it gets so much worse.

Yet like 75% of you guys don't "let" your wife/partner sleep with other men, and like 99% of the ones who do, only do it if they get something out of it too, whether it's watching, seeing a video after, or swinging.

We don't have much of an ENM community in my area, we do have a bar that's poly friendly so a lot of people go there. I go there one night, met a woman, having a great conversation. Mention I'm poly, she's like "awesome me too!" We trade numbers, chat quite a bit over the next couple days, I started talking about meeting up for a date. I'm not shitting you when I say this, her husband is "only comfortable with her seeing other men if he gets to fuck someone at the same time she's getting fucked, so could I bring my partner and we could swing, a female friend, whatever I want" as if that was like REMOTELY reasonable. Mind you, her husband has literally never even seen my partner, nor has she seen him, much less built any amount of connection. Fuck *I* have never seen nor talked to her husband.

Shit like this is SO. FUCKING. COMMON. Guys, fellow men, what the fuck? Do some fuckin work. Like I get it, I asked for my partner to only see women when we first opened up. Made the mistake too, mea culpa. But Jesus fuck, grow. It's hard, but worth it.

Just to get in front of the "swinging is a valid _____" yeah, I don't have a problem with that, swing all you want, not fucking piggybacking on your wife's charisma and having HER potential partner bring someone you've never met who would end up being *your* dance partner for the night.

/End rant

Original:

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/AzbDsjLzK6

My wife is dating a sadist. Need help navigating.

So my (32M) wife (30F) have been together for 4 years, married for 1, with ENM entering our lives about 6 months ago. We’ve had the usual ups and downs of starting non-monogamy but have been doing the work, reading, communicating a lot and going to therapy. Neither of us are interested in returning to monogamy anytime soon.

My wife is a total submissive and I dominant. When we met I quickly became her dom and we pursued degradation and/or humiliation as that’s my primary kink and hers.

However since moving in/getting married and having a real normal life a lot of our D/s relationship got reduced and while we had plenty of toys, whips, handcuffs, we have not used them frequently. The desire has been there but I guess you could say the BDSM flame that we had initially has faded somewhat due to complacency (on my end and hers), and just the fact we pay bills, do chores, and have normal boring life stuff together. We are still very much in love and having amazing sex without significant BDSM flavor to it.

Now to her new dom the sadist. They’ve met 3 times now, and he has a very strong, sadistic edge to his dominance. From what I hear he ks quite good at it. My wife is all over this, and wants him to push her limits. The last time she came home she said they performed heavy CNC and impact play and she had with bruises and marks all over her legs, ass, and sides. She said she entered a deep subspace and it was one of the most intense experiences she’s ever had.

Now, I’m not here trying to yuck her yum, Sadism isn’t a strong kink of mine but I enjoy it at times, and this isn’t about shaming her. I think BDSM is an amazing time.

But I can’t help but feel protective, emasculated, jealous, and worried that she won’t be able to be safe with this person, despite her reassurances that he is in fact a “good guy”. I also can’t stop picturing my wife bound and gagged being whipped by another man. I know firsthand how deeply passionate a D/s bond can be, so knowing how after 3 dates he’s giving her an experience she has hardly ever felt before, I’m worried for the future.

The last 2 days since she met up with him she has been experiencing sub drop (something I know is totally normal for subs and is out of her control) so I have been providing TLC and empathy, but for a sexual experience I had nothing to do with.

Now she’s asked me if they can engage in “spontaneous” sex, meaning he can call her up and have her come over anytime he wants. She noted that she would be able to say no to him if we had plans already but is it fair that I don’t like the idea that he can rip her out of our house for a brutal CNC scene at a moments notice? It just all feels like too much too fast, but she is completely on board his sadist train and wants me to be ok with it.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking for from you all, support? Advice for resolving jealousy while supporting her needs and desires? Guidance for how to navigate this? Probably all of the above. If any of you have experience feeling something similar id love to hear it.

—EDIT—

So I ended up going full out to save my marriage and reached out to him. He’s said he had no idea about anything negative. All he knows is she wants to be pushed hard and treated like less than human. And that she’s only expressed positive responses from her to that. So from his perspective he thinks he’s doing everything right.

I expressed that she will pretty much never tell him to stop, and that she has been a sobbing wreck. He says he doesn’t want to cause any damage to our relationship and is sorry and had no idea there was any harm being done.

— update — We are very likely getting a divorce. She is unwilling to compromise or give me time to do the work and possibly get to a place where I can accept this. And it was a take me as I am or leave me type of ultimatum. I haven’t given her my answer yet but I know that who I am now I cannot accept her partaking in this activity with another person. It’s just too much for me to handle. This is a motherfucker if a heartbreaker and I’ve had some powerful heartbreak.

— EDIT 2 — I messaged the dom again yesterday to not contact her, that we are on the verge of divorce. He agreed and said he’s sorry we’re going through this and if there’s anything he could do to help.

I told her today what I told him and her response has been absolute devastation. I get it I took away her agency and didn’t allow for her to make that decision herself, but I did it for her out of love so we can focus on eachother and save our marriage if at all possible. She is beyond livid with me. Zero understanding. There’s no words. All I can think is that she was absolutely addicted to him and I took her heroin away. Fuck man. Nobody deserves this to happen to them.

— EDIT 3 —

I guess I can give another update. I’ve received so many DMs and comments and messages of support from people who’ve been through this on both sides of the issue, I can’t thank all you enough.

Today is the first day since Tuesday I haven’t felt like a Divorce is a near certainty. She said some small nice things to me yesterday after a very difficult and confrontational therapy session. But we also addressed some deep hurts on both our parts that needed to be addressed, which was about the only good thing that happened during the hour.

We’re staying separate for now and I want to through the weekend. I don’t want to normalize any of these feelings so I don’t want to live like we are normal. She is staying at a friends while I stay home to take care of the pets. She said doesn’t want to be home alone without me.

Trying to maintain hope of some kind of future. Thanks again, this might be the best community on the internet.