u/HabaneroPepperPlants

For some reason someone made a post with this title and then deleted it ten minutes later. I shared my controversial opinions and then nobody got to see them : (

So yeah, actually controversial opinions please. Before you post, stop and think if you can name multiple people who disagree

In my last relationship, I wanted nonmonogamy but not polyamory. I saw no reason to limit feelings or physical intimacy (that was out of my sight), but wanted us to be each other's only partners. My ex girlfriend happily agreed to all of this. But the RA woman she was seeing called me toxic for it

The RA woman pushed on boundaries, insulted and criticized me to my ex, and typically spoke to me in condescending manner. My ex was a poor hinge who let it all happen, while also repeatedly breaking agreements and leveraging the RA woman's opinions against me in fights. They both called me controlling at different points. My opinion is that they both showed limited respect for consent or boundaries

It's only now that I'm out of that relationship that I realize how many months I spent feeling threatened, destabilized, and alone

I don't think their actions met the definition of gaslighting, but there was persistent dismissiveness and denial that made me feel so viscerally strange, and I start crying really hard if I let myself think about that feeling too much

I expected to find more of this attitude in the RA subreddit, and there was some, but also there was a post promoting conscious monogamy, and multiple people questioning why exclusivity is the only relationship agreement that gets called controlling. Why is it controlling to leave your partner if she decides she wants other partners, but not controlling if you leave because she gets into drugs or dates your family member?

I'm a bit of an odd duck -- I'm aroace, a germaphobe, a bit touch averse, a bit sex-repulsed in certain contexts, am overwhelmed by loud noises . . . the list goes on. I have lived my entire life in a world that actively tries to discourage and block me from having boundaries about these things, because those aren't "normal" things to care about

I think that trying to shame somebody for having a boundary is itself very controlling behavior. My ex and her connection were espousing the values of relationship anarchy while ironically not respecting my autonomy or freedom to choose what was most comfortable to me

I'm glad that I found this sub. I hope more people post here, I hope it continues to be healing

I'm just upset about a memory, and if possible I'd like some kind words or constructive feedback

My ex and I opened our relationship, though I made it very clear from Day 1 that I was not consenting to full-on polyamory. My ex said she didn't want that either. But pretty much as soon as we started meaningfully talking about it, she got involved with this super polyamorous non-hierarchal relationship anarchist woman

Nothing wrong with that on it's own, but this woman (over the course of months) called my desire for prescriptive hierarchy toxic, criticized me to my girlfriend, and repeatedly asked for things that she knew went against our relationship agreements. My ex broke agreements with this specific woman multiple times (but not with anyone else), and every time would cry and say that she just didn't understand the agreement well enough

After a few months, I started to believe that my ex was taking accountability and getting better, and so I tried talking things out with the other woman. At one point of the conversation she tried giving me a version of the "if you love her let her go" speech

And remembering it now, it just really fucking gets under my skin

I asked my ex many times over the course of those months if her desires were still compatible with mine, and she insisted many times that they were. But this lady who was actively undermining our relationship tried to paint it as though I had some problem with letting go

I get a very strong feeling of "threatened" whenever I remember her. Honestly this post doesn't even cover everything because then it'd be way too long. Thinking back, I think she disapproved of our non-poly relationship and looked down on it. There was just this special threatening way she'd frame herself as oh so morally superior that I struggle to properly describe, but it really got to me

Hello, I'm really hoping someone can help me here, since I didn't really get anywhere trying to talk to my therapist. I feel like I only have a moderate understanding of how abuse works. I've identified a few patterns that I think might've been abusive, but I'm not sure

Some questions I've struggled with:

1 - Was it abuse if I felt threatened, but not scared?

2 - Could it be abuse if she tried to take accountability and improve?

3 - Was it abuse if her actions weren't calculated, but rather a result of trauma triggers, selfishness, and a lack of relationship experience?

4 - Similar to 3, does it make a difference if she wasn't consciously trying to control me, but her actions still resulted in me being controlled?

5 - If she did abuse me, does this mean I shouldn't ever break no contact?

6 - Similar to 5, would it be pointless to ever try to trust her again?

If anyone has any insight into these questions, I would really appreciate it. Also, if any of you have resources that helped you recover from a toxic/abusive relationship, please share

I just finished a session with my therapist, in which I said that I was trying to figure out if my former relationship was abusive, or just toxic. My therapist seemed to be guiding me away from categorizing it as one thing or the other, or at least wanted me to explore why I felt that categorization was necessary

And I'm just wondering, why do these categories exist in the first place?

I said I wanted to have a better understanding of what happened and wanted to know what exactly it is I think my ex should take accountability for, if I ever decide to break no contact. But judging by the course of the conversation, she didn't think that applying the labels of "toxic" or "abusive" were the best ways of achieving those goals. So why do we have those labels at all then?

I wish I'd asked this question when my exes both expressed a fear of losing me/the relationship

When they did, I reassured them, because I knew I wasn't going to leave them for no reason, and I couldn't imagine them doing anything to give me a reason. But the more I reassured them that that wouldn't happen, the more I took on the responsibility of making that true. Then when they started being erratic and stonewalling me and acting entirely unlike themselves, I felt like I couldn't abandon them

I wish that instead of focusing on what I could do to not leave them, I'd asked them what they planned to do to not drive me away