u/MaroMakesStuff

I know this is a stupid question but i am being genuine. this might be kinda long so sorry abt that. i'm 23, and don't like really presenting in feminine ways even when my gender is more feminine. I grew up a tomboy so ive always been like this and knew something was up with me gender wise since i was a kid. thought i was ftm on and off for a while and still get confused when i feel that way (and when i feel more cis aligned) even though i know i am fluid. my brain is very categorical so i often wish i could be one thing permanently although i have become more indifferent to which side over time (i used to lean more on the side of wanting to be transmasc but i think i am most often in the agender area nowadays so its a desire to just NOT be fluid rather than be a cis woman or trans man).

Ive struggled with accepting my fluidity for a long time and i know im fluid and have gotten better but still havent fully accepted it. A lot of the advice i've gotten on here is to just "go with the flow" and yeah i get the idea but how?? im a pretty stubborn person and liked doing things by the book for the most part so going with the flow is really hard for someone like me, not that i can't adapt and do things my own way i just like having a set path, a correct way to do things, but fluidity adds complexity to things like surgery and hrt that even if they're MIGHT be good for me, they also might not be good for me and would complicate my family and work life. i have insane imposter syndrome about being fluid and don't really have the confidence to bring that up with a regular therapist (and have heard conflicting things on gender therapists so idk which to seek out).

i really want to just go with the flow, to be able to adjust myself to my own needs but at the end of the day i really just don't know how. its torture knowing that hrt and surgery can bring so much comfort to other trans people but it really feels like we drew the short straw sometimes... staying the same means dysphoria, transitioning means a different dysphoria, something in the middle may feel ok but means that you could risk your safety if you're "visibly queer" enough.

i like the clothes i wear for the most part, formal wear and swimwear cause me a good amount of distress but at least those are usually pretty occasional. i don't love how i look a lot of the time but im in decent shape and relatively androgynous figure wise if you ignore my hips and have a baggy enough hoodie or something. if anything im lucky that i don't really need to bind but i don't fw makeup even if its masculinizing, and i haven't really fucked around with my hair much bc i hate the attention im gonna get if i change it. i'm just scared, i like blending in, i don't want to turn heads or confuse people but i can't control that, i keep a lot of my weirder things about me to myself and im generally a private person irl and fluidity does not mesh well with that tbh.

TLDR: I feel stuck, hrt is likely not for me and i feel scared to change anything about myself but restless if i stay as is. i like doing things in a straightforward way most of the time, so going with the flow is a completely foreign concept that i don't know how to express, at least in this specific context. it's particularly hard since im comfortable with the way i dress and the issues stem from more physical and social roots that i cant control or change without it being more drastic (like hrt or surgery that i couldn't undo). but that is exactly why i wish i were just a binary dude a lot of the time, solution to MY dysphoria would be therapy, hrt, surgery, and some better mental health, fluidity isn't so cut and dry at least in my case. i'm also a private person, i dont want to tell people different pronouns to use or anything and i ESPECIALLY don't want my family to know anything about my fluidity whatsoever. How do i start going with the flow and let go of all this shit? i have been getting better but i really just want to be happy and comfortable someday and this still feels like an endless cycle of exhaustion and confusion at this point.

So i'm moving to a different country in a couple months and leaving my fur and foam with my parents until i can drive it probably in about 6 months to a year after my initial move. i was just going to leave my fur, minky, and lycra in the box and plastic they came in and the foam just loose in my room. there should be minor temp changes over the year or so that im gone but ideally just want to make sure they are still usable when i can take them back, a little dust won't hurt in the end right? how do you guys store your stuff?

Extra thing not in the title but i would also like to take the suit head i've been working on, how do you recommend transporting in? its fully foam and the fur is not sewn or glued on quite yet but im hoping to at least have it sewn before i leave but since im taking a lot of essentials i was thinking about maybe vacuum sealing it if that wont damage it, but even squishing it in a suitcase is a little nerve racking to me. it seems pretty durable and i need my carry on for my laptop/other important but smaller stuff so i can't just carry the head on its own 😅

I know it's corny especially being in my early 20s that a cartoon for kids really started me help accepting myself but after watching the finale for TADC and a video on team rockets queerness i think im starting to finally come around to my own queerness that even tho i knew its been a part of me for a long time, ive still repressed it quite a bit. it was used against me for so much of my life, long before i knew being gay was a thing a person could do lol. i've started feeling more ok with my body, there are still parts of me i wish were different but i feel more comfortable with the idea of not going on HRT or microdosing T when im out of college. Im more comfortable with getting top surgery or not getting top surgery, with getting a haircut that makes people think im queer when they look at me. Im ok with not being binary trans and not trying to force myself to be a trans man when im not, but im also not a cis woman, even if i don't transition physically. sexuality is a whole other issue but im also comfortable now with people assuming suddenly, most people assume im a lesbian now anyway so why care and just do what makes me comfortable regardless. It took a long time but im finally comfortable with whatever i may do, even if it's nothing. i think im gonna tell my friends im non binary since its at least a little easier to explain and im ok with them not knowing the full range of my fluidity since i want to use any pronouns.

i want to thank this sub for helping me through this confusing time and for the first time in my life feeling understood and seen for my gender identity. finding people who have felt and experienced the same struggles helped me find so much clarity and comfort in ways that i haven't really been able to find. i hope i have the courage to talk about this offline some day, but for now im content with where im at in this moment :)

Going on T will make me unhappy and dysphoric, staying the same makes me unhappy and dysphoric, presenting as more androgynous isn't for me and just makes me not like how i look. i know that im gender fluid but i don't know how to truly accept it. i want to be able to fully pass as a man or woman interchangeably, but that's just not possible for me...

23, pre everything and very conflicted but hoping for a regular therapist soon since i unfortunately won't be able to go to a gender therapist like i had hoped. i think i am getting better at this but i sometimes do think i am a binary trans guy and sometimes feel like i am very much more neutral or even fem (but still more masc presenting in terms of clothing and stuff) but i will admit that i used to watch a lot of shitty trans content creators that burned into my brain that gender fluidity isn't real and that i'm just "making things harder for real transmascs" and i don't really know how to fix this for myself. i feel so guilty for calling myself trans sometimes but so confused as to why i feel uncomfortable calling myself cis a lot of the time. i hate feeling confused all the time and ive felt like this for so goddamn long, it feels like there is no way for me to be comfortable when some days i feel like i want to go on T more than anything and some days it sounds pretty unappealing to me. i feel this way less with top surgery and im pretty sure i do want top surgery but im just very over feeling this way, can anyone relate? what did you do to alleviate physical and social dysphoria and discomfort if yes??

I played the OG and wrath of cortex as a kid on my mom's playstation and recently revisited them via the n.sane trilogy on steam. i really enjoyed my replay of 1 and 2, with 2 being my all time favorite.

i played warped for the first time tho and im not gonna lie its my least favorite by a long shot, not sure if thats a hot take but i hate how gimmicky it was. too many ride based levels, not a huge fan of the road crash levels, the under water ones are boring and the jet ski levels are the least fun i think ive ever had playing a crash levels, plus too many tiger levels.

4 is the hardest to place because mechanically it's the best and has some of the best crash levels ive played, but because it's so hard to complete it def doesn't pass 2, but i will put it above 1 to avoid nostalgia bias.

overall 2, 4, 1, 3 is my ranking but a HUGE gap between 1 and 3. what are your rankings?

Picked up webkinz for the first time since probably 2010 ish lately because my friend sent me one and i've been enjoying it a ton! I don't really remember deluxe being a thing when i played as a kid tho and have been really caught off guard by how much is behind the deluxe paywall. i know it's pretty cheap but how worth it would you say it is? i've never been one to spend money on in game stuff 😅

I'm AFAB genderfluid and my dysphoria gets really bad on masc days where i feel like im a binary trans guy. since this doesnt always last tho and i feel cis or more androgynous a good amount of the time i am not sure how i feel about doing something like micro dosing T in the future. might be something i consider more when im a bit older but im feeling pretty confident that a lot of the changes i would want i can get through minoxidil, voice training, and a lot of working out (i may still be uncomfortable with things like fat redistribution esp with my hips but im just gonna suffer through that for now). top surgery is def the most likely thing for me since i am basically never comfortable with my chest, and when i do like it i ONLY like it with a sports bra on (which i can always do with those silicone ones or something after top surgery) but other than that my voice is probably my biggest concern. ive done some voice training but most of the things ive found are about voice feminization, which is not very helpful to me 😅. I always feel like i sound like a preteen boy trying to sound older over a video game voice chat or just generally sound unnatural, i know i can only go so far without T but any tips on even just making it sound more natural? even when i kinda get the pitch right i have to talk so monotone just to keep it lower 😓.