u/Mikathefirefox

Anyone have any song predictions for the Europe tour? Since the theme is steampunk I'm wondering if anyone has any good guesses as what might play. I think there's a chance maybe Meltdown because mechanics and stuff are a really key aesthetic to the song. Also hoping you guys get World is Mine this year too. I'm from the USA but I do want to know about the buzz from the other side of the pond so to say!

The entirely of the family I live with, Mom, Dad, younger brother(19) are are narcissists. Im just in a panic right now. I want to leave this house so bad. I have Cptsd/BD1/Autism/Adhd/OCD/Anxiety (I'm 23F) I am dependent on meds. I have no car or money, I don't know how to drive. Im considering that after my next couple of paychecks if things dont look good for me here I either go to a homeless shelter or a mental hospital for another stay.

I have these dreams that if I leave my family will kill me. They have hurt me physically before when I resist them. They are politically the type to resort to violence and have guns. In July 2025 my dad threatened to kill(specifically shoot) my ex boyfriend over him suggesting I dont have a cerfue. My dad wouldn't stop talking for weeks about how he really wanted to kill him.

I fear they will kill me if I say im leaving again. When tried to escape the first time they dehumanized me for weeks. They did the same thing when I had a sleepover at a friend's house for the first time ever. I feel catatonic with fear. I dont want to sleep. Im scared. Im afraid I'll dream again. I am terrified.

Are narcissists capable of killing their kids? Am I just being paranoid? Its 1:09am, I haven't gotten much sleep and Im dehydrated and hungry and Im just really afraid to leave my bed.

Edit: my cptsd was triggered by them again recently. This didn't come out of nowhere.

My friend said something really awful and triggering to me after I told them about how I got my cptsd

2 weeks ago I went on a trip with family to Colombia. Over there I felt I sustained severe trauma and neglect and I talked to the only friend I had a contact for on whatsapp at the time. I constantly told them how I felt and what I was going through as the trip was happening. All while Im discovering im probably asexual also due to trauma even though I can be very hypersexual and have been in the past (which I hate). I told them that I might call up my last ex, ask for sex and see if I really feel sick or disgusted or what have you to actually see if I am asexual or not. They offered to be that person to experiment with because a lot of my exes are either abusive or shitty people. They also offer me a job in Seattle at a convention to work for 20/hour which I dont make much where I live.

I got back from my trip wendsday and contacted them today. I cant see my therapist for about another week and I am so distraught and just mentally cant do this anymore. So because Ive already talked to them about my issues with this trip I told them i just really want to cry. I wanted a hug from them and I wanted to cry. I told them that I wanted to be vulnerable for the very first time in front of someone to cry for more than like 5 seconds. I wanted to be held and just bawl. So I planned to see them to do just that. I feel like I cant be in my families house for the next couple of days without seeing or talking to a friend irl and being touched by them or else I might just harm myself. I live with my family so I dont want to tell them either.

I dont know about quite a lot of things because my parents havent taught me things. Yes I do my own research into things but I grew up isolated and also without a phone or computer till i was 16 or 17 and it was 2018. I went to a school with a graduating class of 6 kids including myself and I have bipolar. I found out in may from an estranged family memeber I actually have autisim and nobody in my family told me. Its not that they didn't believe in the diagnosis either. We have been trying to get another autism test for me for years apparently when I've already been diagnosed and had no idea all my life. Im 23 and had no idea because my family purposely hid it from me and medical professionals in front of me. I have a severe identity crisis going on so on top of the trauma from my two week trip in a different country. Mind you, we went to colombia and I dont speak spanish. But when this friend and I talked about certain things that im not aware of they always say I'm choosing to be ignorant. So I didnt know I can get a medication change from urgent care and not go into the psych ward but because I didnt know this and they did I was choosing to be ignorant.

It eventually developed into a conversation about my life and what I really want to do as a career. College didnt work out for me because of my bipolar, college classes induced my mania and psychosis so I had to drop out. And they said that I had trouble taking acountablity for my assignments which wasnt the case. They didnt even finish college either. I dedicated my entire world to my assignments in college like anyone should do and made me manic and unstable consistently. Id complete all of my assignments, get good grades, do them on time, but it was just that it made my bipolar worse. They still said I didnt take accountability. When I explained to them that bipolar doesnt work the way some present and others dont, my bipolar is different because I rapid cycle, they suggested I live in a group home. I go to the hospital every couple of months like maybe 1 or 2 times a year or none if I'm lucky, which is where the talk of urgent care came in. I told them that I am capable of taking care of myself no one has given me the opportunity to show that yet because my parents abuse me and treat me like an infant. The narcissistic tendencies of my family present their head down to even when im alone at home. I told them I've been in a group home type of situation and I would genuinely hurt myself if ever put in a place like that again because of how traumatic it was the first time.

I am surprisingly the most stable I have been in years right now. All of my depression right now is spurred on by my new diagnosis of gastritis, my eating disorder, constant headaches that wont stop, the stuff I found out from my estranged bio dad, and also the abuse from this colombia trip. Because if the gastritis and headaches never happened i wouldn't really be in as such of a bad situation right now. But suggesting I need a group home is disgusting to me because I can function pretty well. I have a job, im trying to get a second and third to move out and get my drivers permit and license. Get a roommate, some good insurance, get control of my meducations and doctors, and cut my abusive family off. But their answers to me explaining things about me and my trauma are not great. They tell them that its probably best if they just listen to me vent for a bit instead because im getting upset from the responses. Ive been told by family venting to people is useless because the advice they give will always hurt me. And today that turned out to be true. It turns out to be true quite often. I told them that opening up to them about this, fucking talking to them was a bad idea.

So I tell them, you wanna know what I actually feel like right now? What this feeling reminds me of? And I tell them it reminds me of the incident that gave me cptsd in the first place. It was back in 2021 and I met them in 2022. I explain it all. Ive been crying for hours I tell them that I just want a hug, to hear someones voice, see a friends face, be touched by a friend even just like the slightest bit even though I hate being touched normally. I tell them all of this. And you know what they have to say to me?

"When you, as her daughter, committed financial crimes against your mother, it's kinda hard for her son to \*\*\*not\*\*\* to treat their full-blooded son differently from you"

Which mind you I didnt commit financial crimes, my mom was stealing money from me through a VA benefit she provided me for my college money. I was supposed to be the only recipient of because what she was doing with the money wasnt using it to pay for my college. I changed the account receiving the benifit from her bank account to mine and she physically attacked me for it, then accused me of hurting her and almost sent me to jail for me trying to stop her from attacking me. (I restricted her hands) while we were in a car. Which is the short of the big part of the trauma.

Im shocked and confused and hurt and very very triggered by this. I am full on bawling at this point in my room because I had to expell this all out and thats what they had to say to me?

"The point being: this is probably the biggest reason why you get treated differently."

Me: I just opened up to you about my cptsd.

And all you can say is, "you commited a crime and thats why they probably treat you different?"

Im just at a loss for words.

Like

I just

Wow

Im going to block you now. Please dont contact me again.

Im just in such a bad state mentally right now as they were the only person I felt I could open up to because I knew them for so long. Ive been bawling in my room since 7pm and its now 1am. I havent left my room since 10am when I woke up and only leave to use the bathroom. I literally do not want to leave my room because it is my safe space everywhere else in my families house isn't. Ive cried so much all day tears arent coming out anymore even though im still crying. I really really just want to die right now (im not going to kill myself, my philosophy is that I dont deserve pain). In a small little hole because I dont really think anyone will truly be able to understand the pain im going through because of these past few months. This current moment is my breaking point. The moment everyone has been waiting for, for my mental break to happen and its happening now. I just really want a hug.

2 weeks ago I went on a trip with family to Colombia. Over there I felt I sustained severe trauma and neglect and I talked to the only friend I had a contact for on whatsapp at the time. I constantly told them how I felt and what I was going through as the trip was happening. All while Im discovering im probably asexual also due to trauma even though I can be very hypersexual and have been in the past (which I hate). I told them that I might call up my last ex, ask for sex and see if I really feel sick or disgusted or what have you to actually see if I am asexual or not. They offered to be that person to experiment with because a lot of my exes are either abusive or shitty people. They also offer me a job in Seattle at a convention to work for 20/hour which I dont make much where I live.

I got back from my trip wendsday and contacted them today. I cant see my therapist for about another week and I am so distraught and just mentally cant do this anymore. So because Ive already talked to them about my issues with this trip I told them i just really want to cry. I wanted a hug from them and I wanted to cry. I told them that I wanted to be vulnerable for the very first time in front of someone to cry for more than like 5 seconds. I wanted to be held and just bawl. So I planned to see them to do just that. I feel like I cant be in my families house for the next couple of days without seeing or talking to a friend irl and being touched by them or else I might just harm myself. I live with my family so I dont want to tell them either.

I dont know about quite a lot of things because my parents havent taught me things. Yes I do my own research into things but I grew up isolated and also without a phone or computer till i was 16 or 17 and it was 2018. I went to a school with a graduating class of 6 kids including myself and I have bipolar. I found out in may from an estranged family memeber I actually have autisim and nobody in my family told me. Its not that they didn't believe in the diagnosis either. We have been trying to get another autism test for me for years apparently when I've already been diagnosed and had no idea all my life. Im 23 and had no idea because my family purposely hid it from me and medical professionals in front of me. I have a severe identity crisis going on so on top of the trauma from my two week trip in a different country. Mind you, we went to colombia and I dont speak spanish. But when this friend and I talked about certain things that im not aware of they always say I'm choosing to be ignorant. So I didnt know I can get a medication change from urgent care and not go into the psych ward but because I didnt know this and they did I was choosing to be ignorant.

It eventually developed into a conversation about my life and what I really want to do as a career. College didnt work out for me because of my bipolar, college classes induced my mania and psychosis so I had to drop out. And they said that I had trouble taking acountablity for my assignments which wasnt the case. They didnt even finish college either. I dedicated my entire world to my assignments in college like anyone should do and made me manic and unstable consistently. Id complete all of my assignments, get good grades, do them on time, but it was just that it made my bipolar worse. They still said I didnt take accountability. When I explained to them that bipolar doesnt work the way some present and others dont, my bipolar is different because I rapid cycle, they suggested I live in a group home. I go to the hospital every couple of months like maybe 1 or 2 times a year or none if I'm lucky, which is where the talk of urgent care came in. I told them that I am capable of taking care of myself no one has given me the opportunity to show that yet because my parents abuse me and treat me like an infant. The narcissistic tendencies of my family present their head down to even when im alone at home. I told them I've been in a group home type of situation and I would genuinely hurt myself if ever put in a place like that again because of how traumatic it was the first time.

I am surprisingly the most stable I have been in years right now. All of my depression right now is spurred on by my new diagnosis of gastritis, my eating disorder, constant headaches that wont stop, the stuff I found out from my estranged bio dad, and also the abuse from this colombia trip. Because if the gastritis and headaches never happened i wouldn't really be in as such of a bad situation right now. But suggesting I need a group home is disgusting to me because I can function pretty well. I have a job, im trying to get a second and third to move out and get my drivers permit and license. Get a roommate, some good insurance, get control of my meducations and doctors, and cut my abusive family off. But their answers to me explaining things about me and my trauma are not great. They tell them that its probably best if they just listen to me vent for a bit instead because im getting upset from the responses. Ive been told by family venting to people is useless because the advice they give will always hurt me. And today that turned out to be true. It turns out to be true quite often. I told them that opening up to them about this, fucking talking to them was a bad idea.

So I tell them, you wanna know what I actually feel like right now? What this feeling reminds me of? And I tell them it reminds me of the incident that gave me cptsd in the first place. It was back in 2021 and I met them in 2022. I explain it all. Ive been crying for hours I tell them that I just want a hug, to hear someones voice, see a friends face, be touched by a friend even just like the slightest bit even though I hate being touched normally. I tell them all of this. And you know what they have to say to me?

"When you, as her daughter, committed financial crimes against your mother, it's kinda hard for her son to ***not*** to treat their full-blooded son differently from you"

Which mind you I didnt commit financial crimes, my mom was stealing money from me through a VA benefit she provided me for my college money. I was supposed to be the only recipient of because what she was doing with the money wasnt using it to pay for my college. I changed the account receiving the benifit from her bank account to mine and she physically attacked me for it, then accused me of hurting her and almost sent me to jail for me trying to stop her from attacking me. (I restricted her hands) while we were in a car. Which is the short of the big part of the trauma.

Im shocked and confused and hurt and very very triggered by this. I am full on bawling at this point in my room because I had to expell this all out and thats what they had to say to me?

"The point being: this is probably the biggest reason why you get treated differently."

Me: I just opened up to you about my cptsd.

And all you can say is, "you commited a crime and thats why they probably treat you different?"

Im just at a loss for words.

Like

I just

Wow

Im going to block you now. Please dont contact me again.

Im just in such a bad state mentally right now as they were the only person I felt I could open up to because I knew them for so long. Ive been bawling in my room since 7pm and its now 1am. I havent left my room since 10am when I woke up and only leave to use the bathroom. I literally do not want to leave my room because it is my safe space everywhere else in my families house isn't. Ive cried so much all day tears arent coming out anymore even though im still crying. I really really just want to die right now (im not going to kill myself, my philosophy is that I dont deserve pain). In a small little hole because I dont really think anyone will truly be able to understand the pain im going through because of these past few months. This current moment is my breaking point. The moment everyone has been waiting for, for my mental break to happen and its happening now. I just really want a hug.

Edit: I added nsfw warning for mention of SA and sex/masturbation and abuse

Since February Ive had no intrest in sex at all. I went to visit my bio/estranged dad in may and he told me some things that really changed the way I veiw myself. To say the least I'm currently in an identity crisis. I have no idea who I am fundamentally. Ive been on some new antidepressants too since February as well. Im on wellbutrin which is known to make people horny but for me it turns me off completely. I dont want sex or desire it at all. The issue is, that my whole life has been sex. I was diagnosed ocd because of my obsession with sex and sexuality and everything surrounding it. My parents have told me I could be a porn star. Ive been demeaned so bad for my sex life. In April I got diagnosed with Gastritis and have had these brain shattering migraines I believe are hermacrania continua. Im prediabetic and food doesnt intrest me and life sucks right now. I cant hold water very well and am constantly dehydrated no matter how much water I drink and I take medication that makes me super dehydrated. I also have no intrest in water. I have autisim so eating and drinking water is hard enough and I just have no intrest in things at all.

​

My previous relationship which also ended in February (a lot of things happened in February through now) and that was just sex. The guy who I "dated" wasnt intrested in me that much, like he would put no work into developing an actual romantic relationship with me and thats something I desperately want. I want to be loved. I experience no love in my household with my family and moving out is impossible right now. Everytime Id meet with this guy it would be sex and he'd leave me to go smoke immediately and I would have to build myself up after since he wouldn't bother to do aftercare at all. I have glasses, he would in fact hide them from me as a sick joke after sex. It was like this for 6+ months. I think I did this because it was easy. It was a way to feel something after feeling fucked over all my life.

​

My therapist says that I possibly jump to sex first when talking to people because its the most intimate way of connecting with a person and fast. But thats been so integral to my life, how could I even be asexual? I used to be super into masturbation because it was my way of showing myself love the best way I could when I was neglected by family. I got really into it and I had a whole collection and now I kind of want to get rid of everything. I hate the idea of needing to pleasure myself, its so... mechanical? Doing the same thing over again to try and replicate a feeling I fail to see happen every single time I get in relationships. They always fall short and I always end up putting in all the work. I plan the dates, the gifts, the little acts of kindness. And yet I get guys who will block me for calling them 2 or 3 times when they're out of work and I really need them to comfort me.

​

Maybe its the fact that I so actively read the most vile of Marquis De Sade's work (120 days of sodom and Justine) and im currently attempting to read Juliette but all of his works are so sex ridden. Yet im fascinated by the works of this man. I think I hate butts even more because of him. I am completely uninterested in sex. After the last guy I dated all of my friends agreed he was an asshole, who didn't care about me. We all agreed I should probably stop serial dating. So I decided to swear off of it for a year. But now I just dont want sex at all.

​

But maybe I call him up again, ask to have sex again to truly see if this is my medication or if im actually asexual. Maybe I get a supplement to boost my libido and see if its really asexuality or me just not understanding myself enough. I've done some research last night and I might be aceflux. Ive seen in the past that I used to develop relationships very quickly based on sex, but now want nothing to do with it. Ive also had moments in the past where Ive wanted no sex and it disgusted me but I still wanted to pleasure myself. But I've also been SA'd before and maybe that contributed too. I have experienced spikes in sexuality too. Momentarily because of stuff like a period or hormones, or things like birth control. Maybe its just depression but even when my antidepressant was working I had no desire for sex. Im so confused with where I am in life.

I could be in denial. But I know at this point I am somewhere on the spectrum. I still have no idea who I am. Im still having my identity crisis. I still identify as bisexual and nonbinary but even part of that identity is shattering. Ive based my nonbinary identity on the basis that I was nothing. I knew nothing about myself and that I am nothing to nobody. Im not even fully human to my family. Does accepting this make me even less of nothing? Even more void? Typing this out is really hard. Im just sobbing in a hotel room. I dont know what to do. I really dont have people to talk to about this at this moment.

So I was diagnosed with Gastritis (no h. Pylori) in late march of this year. I was told to go on a brat diet (Bananas, Rice, Apples, Toast) I did that for months, until the second week of May, where I started taking antacids with food my stomach would not completely be okay with, but I was still restricting. Im still so lost. For a while before May, my family and I would go to the store, google what I could have and couldn't and whatever first came up we went with what that said. The AI overview, essentially. I was told that the new AI overview system was just its old system with AI slapped on it and it was no different. But then I found the subreddit. I've been lurking for a while and stuff because I just see what I can and can't have and thats all I really participated in on here. Id come, look in the search bar and look up the food i wanted and see if i could have it or not and see what the consensus was. I read a post from someone one day saying that the subreddit was just a bunch of opinions and not anything factual like no facts? Like its a lot of "I felt this so you should too!" And I didnt come back for a while.

I didn't even know there was a GUIDE to gastritis on here. I was told by a doctor, just stay on brat till the gastritis goes away. The reason I stopped in May was because I went on Vacation and wanted to actually be happy? For context, for all of 2025 I was severely depressed and was on a terrible antidepressant. I finally got to see a doctor and we changed to Wellbutrin in February. But as soon as we changed it I was and still am experiencing headaches worse than migraines, I don't want to get out of bed im in tears and couldn't keep food down or any of my medications down. I was in these vomiting fits every single day for about a month and a half before the diagnosis of gastritis in late march. My parents finally believed that I was in miserable pain and took me to see a doctor. Before then what I was doing for these headaches was like 4 tylenol (at 800mg), excedrin migraine, and like 2 advil a day. Every day, and the headcahes didn't get better they got worse.

I'm still not sure what the trigger of the gastritis is but Im almost 100% sure it's Wellbutrin. The last time I was on Wellbutrin I was diagnosed with GERD. Im still having these headaches. They get so bad they wake me up in the middle of the night and I cant get sleep for an hour until what I take (tylenol) kicks in. Ive done amazing progress on the Wellbutrin for my mood and its the only antidepressant that doesnt affect my bipolar sleep and cause me to become manic and doesnt trigger insomnia or other sleep disturbances for me. It hasnt affected my C-ptsd either which is great its actually doing wonders for it. Im making such progress and days look so much better. I feel happy. But my therapist told me I had a binge eating disorder right before my gastritis diagnosis. Im so tired of restricting.

I have no insurance and have had no insurance since 2021 since thats when I turned 21 and was kicked off of military insurance (they just do that my parents didnt kick me off). So ive been uninsured because my parents are alt-right and dont believe or want to pay for obama care either. I do work but I make so little. I make average 200 a paycheck per 2 weeks and thats if im lucky. Im trying to find a second job currently but anyways. I was able to go to a doctor in April and they told me my blood sugar was high so I needed to go on keto. I work in a vitamin shoppe with someone whos basically an expert in keto, I dont work with him often though. The doctor wanted to refer me to a gastro but I dont have the money for a neurologist for my headaches much less and gastroenteroloigist for my gastritis.

Recently like maybe 2 weeks ago I saw my psychatrist, and they told me that Wellbutrin shouldnt be the cause of my gastritis though because it only causes digestive issues for people at like a over 400mg dose. Im on a 450 dose now. Im very scared because what if I get an ulcer and stuff? But im so tired of the restricting. I was still vomiting everyday. It sucked. I constantly had to eat at the kitchen sink. Food brings me joy. Thats the only thing that really brings me joy sometimes. Im not even sure if im completely happy because im miserable everyday with the gastritis and the headaches and im crying in pain all the time.

After my vacation in may I couldnt go back to eating with brat, it was too hard. I have autisim too, eating constantly made me vomit because the textures sucked. I've just been eating whatever with antacids all the time, of course Im still restricting major stuff like caffine, chocolate, fried food. But then I worked with my Keto Coworker who told me (mind you he has a certification in nutrition from college) that the antacids will GIVE ME h.pylori. That googles, AI overview is taking from things like WebMD and unhelpful sources all over the place. He told me I should be taking a variety of things: Zinc, Chlorophyll, Dhydradted licorice root(otherwise known as DGL), and Gallbladder enzymes. Psychologically I'm also having an identity crisis because my whole life is a lie. So ive just been eating regular stuff without my antacids, I'm still restricting but I got a subscription to a movie theater chain and Ive gone all out and have eaten popcorn and chocolate and churos and caramel and hotdogs with ketchup. I went to Buffalo wild wings with family and they pressured me into eating fries too.

They told me like 3 weeks ago that we are taking a family vacation (the May vacation was different because I was alone and seeing an estranged family memeber I wanted to connect with). We are going to Colombia and they want me to eat whatever I want. I know they are going to pressure me into eating food I cant eat because I typically have to throw fits in order to tell them probably that I can't have certain food, fits that they will understand. Not that im bratty or anything but they just dont listen to me. I have to say it like 9 times regularly and them burst and throw a tantrum the 10th time for them to finally understand me properly. They just like to food pressure me which is probably where I get my binge eating disorder from now that I think about it.

I just thought today that maybe the reddit here has a guide. I found it, but im past the 90 days, Im floundering, I'm lost. Ive read the guide. I have to restrict even more because I HAVE to go on keto or else I'll be diabetic. And Im still suffering with the heachaces. Ive been told so many conflicting things from people. I just want some answers to things from people. I want some peace and normalcy. Please someone help me.

I had made a post a couple of months ago about The Land getting a digital release. I was hoping someone would be able to distribute it somewhere online since it seems like its essentially lost media. If anyone went to the movie thats the only time anyone got to see the movie.

Good thing though! We finally got an update! The online distributor and streaming service MUBI got a hold of the rights and are now streaming it on their service. If anyone who didn't see it in theaters wanted to see it or who wanted to see it again it's available to watch there.

Currently if you go to MUBI's website there is a 7 day free trial, if you dont want to pay full price immediately. They also occasionally offer a deal where you can pay 3 months for 1 dollar as well. I'm not here to promote MUBI but as a Cinephile I'm a big fan of their service.

Its still not available on major streaming services like YouTube or Amazon Prime but hopefully since MUBI has it that it will soon change to other platforms with wider business. Personally I'd love to buy it on youtube.

Edit: found out its also on a site called Vertex Movies! I got a dm showing me it was available there but im not sure if ther service is free. It looks as if its similar to sites like Tubi and Plex and might be free. Thank you for the person who alerted me! If you use the Brave browser you get no ads and no pop-ups according to the user.

I think it would be cool to have a doom mod model of scientology as a level in the game. The bad guys would be susan or whatever her name is. I dont play doom myself but i think this would just be a cool idea.

They are uploading Xenu to the data centers! We can fully intercept Tom Cruise's mind files here too! This guy has some great ideas.

I recently went to another state and visited an AMC for the first time ever in my life. They have A-list and I wondered if Regal had something similar. There are no AMC's around me and the closest Regal is like 15 minutes away from my place. We dont have the best pick for movie theaters where I live since they are a lot of run down mom and pop type or extremely expensive mom and pop type. So when I found out that Regal has unlimited where the movies are quite litteraly unlimited I had to look into it further. My dad and I love going to the theater and we love high quality experiences so I told him about it and im doing more research into it today but I wanted to know from the subreddit, the pros and cons of the unlimited subscription. Everything about each of the teirs because the app is kinda vauge of the teirs and also that birthday reward.

Im still learning about the unlimited and I am considering buying very soon. But if anyone wants to give me a good overview on the major pros and cons that would be great.

Edit: I'm seeing since PLF does cost extra I'm wondering if fathom does as well. Does the PLF include stuff like fathom events? For example I see that they are bringing back shrek and legally blonde in the next couple of weeks. Does that count as a PLF? What about things like ghibli fest or things like the metropolitan oprea fathom events?